Supernatural s05e09 Episode Script

The Real Ghostbusters

Why are we even here? Following Dad's orders like a good soldier? - Are you that desperate? - This isn't you talking.
The difference between you and me.
I have a mind of my own.
I'm not pathetic like you.
Before Dad died, he told me that I might have to kill you, Sam.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Don't know.
We're talking about the Colt? - Lf you are set on the insane task of killing the devil, this is how we do it.
- You are LARPing.
- Excuse me? - Live Action Role Playing.
You're fans.
- Fans of what? DEAN: Supernatural by Carver Edlund.
His name's Chuck Shurley, a genius.
I'm Dean.
This is Sam.
The Dean and Sam you've been writing.
I write things and they come to life.
I'm a god.
- He's a prophet of the Lord.
- You.
- You're - Carver Edlund.
Yeah.
Hi, Becky.
I am your number one fan, but I know that Supernatural's just a book, okay? - Becky, it's all real.
- I knew it.
- You okay, lady? - Sam, is it really you? - And you're so firm.
- Uh Dean.
Come on.
Chuck.
There you are.
- Guys? - What's going on? Uh Nothing.
You know, just I'm just kind of hanging.
- What are you guys doing here? - You told us to come.
Uh No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
You texted me.
This address.
"Life or death situation.
" - Any of this ringing a bell? - I didn't send you a text.
We drove all night.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand what could - Oh, no.
- What? Sam? You made it.
Oh, uh Becky, right? Oh.
You remembered.
- You've been thinking about me.
- L It's okay.
I can't get you out of my head, either.
- Did you take my phone? - I just borrowed it from your pants.
- Becky.
- What? They're gonna wanna see it.
See what? - Oh, my God.
I love it when they talk at the same time.
Hey, Chuck.
Come on, pal, it's showtime.
Guys, I'm sorry for everything.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, Dean.
Looking good.
Who the hell are you? I'm Dean too.
Duh.
Uh-oh.
It's Sam and Dean.
I'm in trouble now.
Have fun, you two.
Aah.
What? - That's right.
- Oh, it's awesome.
Becky, what is this? It's awesome.
A Supernatural convention.
The first ever.
Welcome to the first annual Supernatural convention.
At 3:45 in the Magnolia Room, we have the panel: Frightened Little Boy: The Secret Life of Dean.
And at 4:30, there's The Homoerotic Subtext of Supernatural.
Oh, and of course, the big hunt starts at 7 p.
m.
Sharp.
Yeah! Okay.
But right now Right now, I'd like to introduce the man himself.
The creator and the writer of the Supernatural books the one, the only Carver Edlund! Okay.
Okay, good.
This isn't nearly as awkward as l Ahem.
Dry mouth.
Ahem.
Okay.
Uh Ahem.
So I guess, questions? - You.
- Hey, Mr.
Edlund.
Big fan.
Okay, I was just wondering where'd you come up with Sam and Dean in the first place? Oh, uh, yeah, l It just came to me.
Okay.
Yeah.
The hook man.
Uh, ja.
Why, in every fight scene Sam and Dean are having their gun or knife knocked away by the bad guy? Why don't they keep it on some kind of bungee? L Yeah, I really don't know.
Ja, follow up.
Why can't Sam and Dean be telling Ruby is evil? I mean, she is clearly manipulating Sam in some kind of moral lapse.
It's obvious, nein? Hey! If you don't like the books, don't read them, Fritz.
Okay, okay, just Okay.
It's okay.
So Next question.
Yeah, you.
Yeah, at the end of the last book, Dean goes to hell.
So, what happens next? Oh, well, there lies an announcement, actually.
You're all gonna find out.
Thanks to a wealthy Scandinavian investor we're gonna start publishing again.
Yes! Sweet Lord, yes! I got you a Yellow-Eyed Cooler.
- Thanks, Chuck.
- Sure.
Ahem.
So, Becky ahem, I was wondering, are you doing? Oh, hi, Sam.
Excuse us.
In case you haven't noticed, our plates are kind of full, okay? Finding the Colt.
Hunting the devil.
We don't have time for this.
Hey, I didn't call you.
He means the books, Chuck.
- Why are you publishing more books? - Um For food and shelter? Who gave you the rights to our life story? An archangel and I didn't want it.
Deal's off, okay? No more books.
Our lives are not for public consumption.
Becky would you excuse us for just a second? - Uh-huh.
You guys know what I do for a living? Yeah, Chuck, we know.
Could you tell me? Because I don't.
I'm not a good writer.
I've got no marketable skills.
I'm not some hero who can just hit the road and fight monsters, okay? Until the world ends, I gotta live, all right? The Supernatural books are all I've got.
What else do you want me to do? No, guys.
Wait.
- Hey, are you okay? - I think so.
- What happened? - I saw a ghost.
- A ghost? - Excuse me? - Could you tell us what it looked like? - Leave this to grown-ups.
A woman.
She was in an old-fashioned dress.
Really old.
Like a school marm or something.
Did she say something to you? Okay, gather close, everybody, for a terrifying tale of terror.
I saw a ghost.
None other than the ghost of Leticia Gore herself.
I was on the third floor, getting ice for a guest.
Ooh.
The LARPing's started.
The What is that again? Live Action Role Playing.
A game.
The convention puts it on.
"Dad's journal.
Dear Sam and Dean, this hotel is haunted.
You must hunt down the ghost.
Interview witnesses, discover clues, and find the bones.
First team to do so wins a $50 gift card to Sizzler.
Love, Dad.
" You guys are so gonna win.
Well, yes, Agents Lennon and McCartney as manager of this fine establishment I can assure you that it is indeed haunted.
This building was once an orphanage, run by mean old Leticia Gore.
One hundred years ago this very night Miss Gore went insane and butchered four little boys before killing herself.
Now, folks say that the souls of those poor little boys are trapped here and that the evil spirit of Miss Gore punishes them to this very day.
Well, that's just about all the community theater I can take.
Yeah, this cannot get any weirder.
Dad said He said I may have to kill you.
Kill me? What the hell does that mean? I don't know.
Oh.
I need a drink.
EMF's going nuts.
Wooo.
I'm mean old Leticia Gore.
They buried me in the basement.
Wooo.
Ow.
You got me.
You're supposed to vanish.
How am I supposed to vanish? Yeah, okay, Dean, we'll see you in five.
Hey, but seriously, dude, don't eat my Skittles.
Help us.
Help us.
Miss Gore won't let us have any fun.
This is part of the game, right? Holy mother of crap.
That was Naughty, naughty, naughty.
- How you doing? - Busy.
Well, you sure look lovely tonight.
Especially for a dead chick.
Buddy, I have heard that line And all from dudes wearing MacGyver jackets.
But you seem different.
- How so? - Well, you don't seem scared of women.
For the last time, I'm not making this up, okay? She's upstairs, a real, live, dead ghost.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sure it was just one of the actors.
Who beat the crap out of me and then vanished? - You saw something? - Look, this isn't part of the game, jerk.
I'm getting out of here, you should do the same.
Alex, wait.
L Hey, come back.
What do you think? I don't think that guy's a good enough actor to be acting.
Why, yes, Agents Jagger and Richards as manager of this fine establishment, I can assure you it is indeed haunted.
The building was once an orphanage run by mean old Leticia Gore.
Excuse us.
Mind if we ask you a few questions? I don't have time to play Star Wars, guys.
Go ask the guy in the ascot.
Actually, we really wanna talk to you.
Okay.
You guys are really into this.
You have no idea.
- What? - All this stuff they're saying.
Place being haunted.
Leticia Gore.
Any truth to it? We generally don't like to publicize this to, you know, normal people but, yeah, 1909, this place was called Gore Orphanage.
Miss Gore killed four boys with a butcher knife then offed herself.
- Is tonight really the anniversary? - Yep.
Guess your convention folks want authenticity.
Hmm.
- There been any sightings? - Over the years.
Yeah, a few maids have quit.
Saying they heard the boys or saw them.
A janitor even saw Miss Gore once.
Where did Miss Gore carve up the kids? Look, I don't want you stomping all over the joint.
A lot of this place is off-limits to nerds.
The attic.
EMF's going nuts.
Great.
We got a real ghost and a bunch of dudes pretending to be us, poking at it.
No way this ends well.
You know what? Serves them right.
- Dean.
- Well, I'm just saying.
It's gotta be around here someplace.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
No one else is looking for the attic.
Okay, all right, dude.
One, stay in character.
All right? If it's just me, I look stupid.
And two, you heard the guy downstairs.
I think this is part of the game.
Help us.
Oh, my God.
- That makeup is amazing.
Amateur.
- Stay in character.
- Sorry.
Ahem.
Sorry.
Help us.
Miss Gore won't let us have any fun.
Where's the body buried, kid? We'll light her up nice and toasty.
Yeah.
Wow.
Fast runner.
Dude.
Check this out.
Oh, that is creepy.
Must've been what he was trying to tell.
Gee, you think, Sammy? Okay, this is the coolest game ever.
Ahem.
Yes.
My mommy loves me.
I said my mommy loves me.
I'm sure she does.
My mommy loves me this much.
Awesome.
All right.
So that was a guy with the County Historical Society.
- And? Not only did Leticia Gore butcher four boys, but one of them was her own son.
- Her son? - Yeah.
According to the police at the time, she scalped the kid.
I'm gonna deep-fry this bitch, extra crispy.
- Dude say where she was buried? - Doesn't know.
Check it out.
There's the orphanage here's the carriage house, and right there, cemetery.
You think that's where Leticia's planted? It's worth a shot.
Hey, hey.
- Hey, you mind? - It's real.
A century old and he's right, there is a cemetery.
- Where did you get that? - It's called a game, pal.
- It ain't called charity.
- All right.
Give me the map, Chuckles.
You're the Chuckles, Chuckles.
Besides, Dean don't listen to nobody.
Dean, cool it.
Dean.
What? They're freaking annoying.
Okay, guys, we all wanna find the bones, right? We just thought it would go faster if we all worked together.
Ahem.
We get the Sizzler gift card.
Fine.
And we get to be Sam and Dean.
Fine.
Yes.
Hey, Rufus, Bobby, would you hurry it up? - You all right? - I'm trying to be.
So where were we? Dr.
Ellicott had just zapped your brain.
Right.
Got it.
Ahem.
Why are we even here, Dean? You just following Dad's footsteps like a good little soldier? You that desperate for approval? This isn't you talking, Sam.
That's the difference between you and me.
I got a mind of my own.
I'm not pathetic.
So, what are you gonna do, Sam? You gonna kill me? Man, I am so sick of you telling me what to do.
All right, you know what? That's it.
That is it.
What's wrong, Bobby? I'm not Bobby, okay? You're not Sam.
You're not Dean.
What is wrong with you? Why in the hell would you choose to be these guys? Because we're fans.
Like you.
No, I am not a fan, okay? Not fans.
In fact, I think that the Dean and Sam's story sucks.
It is not fun, it's not entertaining.
It is a river of crap that would send most people howling to the nuthouse.
So you listen to me, their pain is not for your amusement.
I mean, you think that they enjoy being treated like circus freaks? Uh I don't think they care, because they're fictional characters.
Oh, they care.
Believe me.
They care a lot.
He, uh He takes the story really seriously.
- Found the four boys.
- And here's Leticia Gore.
What are you guys doing? We're looking for bones, genius.
They gotta be around here somewhere.
Okay, generally, bones are in the ground.
Yeah, I know that.
I'm just Wait.
Hold on.
- Are you serious? - Deadly.
We're not really digging up graves, you guys.
We're just playing the game.
Trust us.
You wanna win the game, right? That's not a plastic skeleton.
That's a That's a "skeleton" skeleton.
- You just dug up a real grave.
- Yeah.
You guys are nuts.
I thought you said you wanted to be hunters.
- Hunters aren't real, man.
This isn't real.
My God.
You guys have seriously lost your grip on this - What? - Naughty, naughty, naughty.
Barnes! - Oh, my God! - Naughty, naughty, naughty! Real enough for you? Aaah.
- That was really Awful.
Right? Exactly.
- Round's on us, guys.
- See you around.
Hey, how did you know how to do all that? We, um We read the books.
Hey, Chuck.
Good luck with the Supernatural books and screw you very much.
Fans of yours? Hmm.
I'd say no.
- That's weird.
- Definitely.
- Uhn! Hey.
Anything? - Every exit's locked.
- Almost like - Something's keeping us in? Yeah.
This is bad.
Gee, you think, Sammy? - Don't go in there.
- Get downstairs, okay? Go, go.
Why'd you do that? Why did you send my mommy away? Maybe because of the high-and-tight she gave you, huh? - How about some thanks? - Ahem.
I'm just saying a little gratitude might be nice once in a while.
My mommy didn't do this to me.
What? Then who did? Ja, how original.
Supernatural bringing you more creepy children.
Sigh.
Miss Gore wouldn't let us have any fun.
You look nothing like real ghosts, just telling you.
But Miss Gore is gone, and now we can have all kinds of fun.
Well, guys, I guess we're out of time.
So thank you for your incredibly probing and rigorous questions.
And have a good Hey.
What? Holy crap.
You gotta keep everyone safe.
This is life or death.
- For how long? - As long as it takes.
How the hell am I supposed to do that? I don't know, man, just do it.
Okay.
So good news.
I got much more to tell you, I guess.
It's awesome.
Buddy, I got work to do.
You're gonna wanna see this.
Trust me.
It's gonna be a hell of a show.
Here we go, here we go.
What does the future hold for Sam and Dean? Well, how do you feel about angels? Yeah.
Because let me tell you, they're not nearly as lame as you think.
Okay.
New theory.
The legends about Leticia are ass-backwards.
So all right, let's say those three orphans were playing cowboys and Indians.
LARPing as cowboys and Indians.
Whatever, and let's say they scalped Leticia's son and killed him.
Mom catches them in the act, flips out, slices them and dices herself.
If that's true, it means we got three bloodthirsty brats.
Leticia was keeping them under control.
- Until we took her out.
- Smooth move on our part.
Get back to the cemetery, torch the kids' bones.
How? We're trapped.
We don't even have our guns.
The ghosts are running this joint and they're only scared of one thing.
- Exactly.
- You want me to do what? You're an actress.
We just want you to act.
I work at Hooters in Toledo.
- No, you can forget it.
- You'll be safe, we promise.
This is really important.
We wanna help.
Just give her the puppy dog thing, okay? Guys, no.
- Why not? - Because this isn't make-believe.
Look, we know.
We're not nuts.
We're freaking terrified.
Yeah, but if all these people are seriously in trouble, we gotta do something.
- Why? - Because that's what Sam and Dean would do.
No, there's really no such thing as a Croatoan virus for down there.
You really should see a doctor.
Uh I don't wanna do this.
I'm right here, sweetheart.
I got your back.
Trust me.
This is gonna work.
Boys.
Boys, come here this instant.
You come when I call you.
- Do you understand me? Miss Gore? Push it.
You boys have been very naughty.
Now you open the doors.
Open the doors right now.
Go, go, go! Very naughty, you hear me? Naughty, naughty, naughty.
Damn it.
Run.
Oh, my God.
Supernatural makes digging graves seem so easy.
It's not, though.
I'm gonna throw up.
No, you're not.
Thanks.
- Aah! - Sam! Let's see.
What else? I fell in love for the first time at 16.
Lost my virginity, actually.
But then she went around telling everybody it didn't count, so Ahem.
Uh Excuse me.
You really can't leave.
Please, sir.
Don't open the door! I said no one leaves, damn it.
Now, somebody salt this door.
How come Dean can always light the stupid thing on the first freaking try? Come on.
Aah! Don't.
Dean! You know, maybe that guy was right.
Maybe we should put these things on a bungee.
You know, I gotta hand it to you, guys.
You really saved our asses back there.
You know, thanks.
Guys, I don't even know your names.
Oh, well, I'm Barnes.
This is Damian.
What's yours? Dean.
The real Dean.
- Yeah, right.
Me too.
- Get the hell out of here, Dean.
Well, anyway, thanks.
Really.
You're wrong, you know.
- Sorry? - About Supernatural.
No offense, but I'm not sure you get what the story's about.
- Is that so? - All right, look.
In real life, he sells stereo equipment.
I fix copiers.
Our lives suck.
But to be Sam and Dean to wake up every morning and save the world to have a brother who would die for you well, who wouldn't want that? Maybe you got a point.
You two don't make a bad team yourselves.
- How do you know each other anyway? - Oh, well, we met online.
Supernatural chat room.
Oh.
It must be nice to get out of your parents' basement, make some friends.
We're more than friends.
We're partners.
Oh.
Well.
- Ahem.
Howdy, partners.
- Howdy.
Look, Sam, I'm not gonna lie.
We had undeniable chemistry.
But like a monkey on the sun, it was too hot to live.
It can't go on.
Chuck and I, we found each other.
My yin to his proud yang and well, the heart wants what the heart wants.
I'm so, so sorry.
Yeah, Sam.
You know, sorry.
Will you be all right? Honestly, I don't know.
I'll just have to find a way to keep living, I guess.
God bless you.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Chuck, look.
If you really wanna publish more books, I guess that's okay with us.
- Wow, really? - No, not really.
- We have guns and we'll find you.
- Okay, okay.
- No more books.
- See you around.
Sam, wait.
One more thing.
In Chapter 33 of Supernatural: Time Is on My Side.
There was that Bela? She was British, a cat burglar.
- Yeah, I know.
- She stole the Colt from you.
Then she said she gave it to Lilith, remember? - Yeah.
- Well, you know she lied? She never really gave it to Lilith.
- Wait, what? - Didn't you read the book? There is this one scene where Bela gives the Colt to a demon, Crowley, Lilith's right-hand man.
And I think her lover too.
Crowley? - Didn't occur to you to tell us this? - Sorry, I didn't remember.
I'm not as big of a fan as she is.
Heh.
Becky, tell me everything.
You okay? Yeah, you know? I think I'm good.
You're not gonna believe it, I got a lead on the Colt.
- What? - Long story.
I'll tell you on the way.
What are we waiting for? Like a lot of authors, I started writing because of love.
Yeah, I had a huge crush on Nancy McKeon who played Jo in The Facts of Life.
I must have written her She never wrote back.
I don't think the Benders made flesh suits out of all their victims.
Maybe just, like, a couple scarves.
Actually, my favorite movie was Beaches.
Hillary and CC were just so brave.
So strong.
Way I look at it, it's not jumping the shark if you never come back down, you know?