Supernatural s05e19 Episode Script

Hammer of the Gods

Sam, starring as Lucifer.
Dean, starring as Michael.
Suck it up, accept your responsibilities and play the roles that destiny has chosen for you.
Why didn't the stake kill you? - I am the Trickster.
- Or maybe you're not.
- Hello, Gabriel.
- The archangel.
This isn't about some prizefight between your brothers.
This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family.
- You gonna do something? - Like? - Michael stupid.
- Come on, Sam.
Things are about to get bad.
They're not gonna get anything from me without agreeing to a few conditions.
- Whatever you're thinking, don't do it.
- I have to.
You're ready.
There's no other choice.
There's never been a choice.
- The answer is yes.
- Dean.
Of course, I have a few conditions.
- What changed your mind? - Damnedest thing.
World's ending walls are coming down on us.
I didn't wanna let you down.
So screw destiny.
I say we take the fight to them, do it our way.
Hello? Hello? - Ah! - Hi.
- Buddy, you can't be here.
- Of course I can.
Someone's gotta get everything ready.
They're coming, all of them.
And we've each got our part to play.
Even you.
- What? - You're dinner.
No! Ahh! Ahh! Whew.
Nice digs for once.
- Busy night.
- Any port in a storm, I guess.
- If you could just fill this out, please.
- Yeah.
Sir, I think you got a little shaving nick there.
- Your key.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, you have a coffee shop? Buffet, all you can eat.
Best pie in the tristate area.
You don't say.
Heaven, right? Trust me, pal.
Better.
- How you doing? - No.
- But - No.
- Oh, lady, I'm just - I understand.
And no.
Ten-four, yeah.
Sam, unpucker, man.
Eat something.
We should hit the road, Dean.
- In this storm? What, it's - It's biblical.
Exactly.
It's frigging Noah's ark out there and we're eating pie.
How many hours of sleep did you get this week? What, three? Four? Bobby's got his feelers out.
We've talked with every Hoodoo man and root woman in 12 states.
- Yeah, well, I'm not giving up.
- Nobody's giving up.
Especially me.
We're gonna find a way to beat the devil.
Soon, I can feel it.
And we will find Cass, we will find Adam.
But you are no good to me burnt out.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Come on.
We have actually got the night off for once.
Let's try to enjoy it.
- Oh, what are you, 12? - I'm young at heart.
Wow, look at this.
We're like Rockefellers.
Chocolates.
Ohh.
- You want yours? - Knock yourself out.
Whoa, Casa Erotica 13 on demand.
What? Isn't this place kind of in the middle of nowhere? - So? - So, what's a four-star hotel doing on a no-star highway? Hello? Hello? The room next to ours The couple that are joined at the lips, have you seen them? Mr.
And Mrs.
Logan? The honeymooners? They checked out.
Is something the matter? - They checked out? - Mm-hm.
Just now.
Really? It sort of seemed like they were in the middle of something.
It's kind of weird for honeymooners to check out without this.
Oh, dear.
I'll just put that right in the lost and found.
Don't you worry.
Is there anything else I can help you with? - No, no.
We're good.
- Super fantastic.
Creepy.
Broke the needle.
Well, I'll scope out the joint and you keep an eye on Norman Bates over here.
I mean, one night off, is that too much to ask? This ain't no peep show, man.
You're beautiful.
You're sweet.
- I hate sweet.
Ahem.
Sorry to interrupt.
The last guest just arrived.
- So everything's ready? - As it will ever be.
Pantry's full.
- And the Winchesters? - Suspicious, but under control.
- You have their blood? - Of course I do.
I'm quick.
Boys never even knew what hit them.
Thank you, Mercury.
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
- An elephant? - Yeah.
- Like, an elephant? - Like full-on Babar.
So, what the hell is? Where is everybody? Let me guess, it's locked.
So, what, the roaches check in, they don't check out? Think about how we got here.
That detour on I-90? The frigging hurricane? - You saying we were lead here? - Like rats in a maze.
Please be tomato soup, please be tomato soup.
Motel Hell.
Help us.
Get us out.
- Hurry up.
- I'm going as fast as I As I can.
There's somebody behind me, isn't there? Something tells me this isn't a Shriner convention.
Dinner is served.
Ladies and gentlemen our guests of honor have arrived.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.
In all my centuries, I never thought I'd see this.
- This many gods under one roof.
- Gods? And before we get down to brass tacks, some ground rules: No slaughtering each other, curb your wrath.
Oh, and keep your hands off the local virgins.
We're trying to keep a low profile here.
- Oh, we are so, so screwed.
- And we all know why we're here.
The Judeo-Christian apocalypse looms over us.
I know, we've all had our little disagreements in the past but the time has come to put those aside and look toward the future.
Because if we don't, we won't have one.
Now, we do have two very valuable bargaining chips: Michael and Lucifer's vessels.
The question is: What do we do now? Anybody have any bright ideas? Speak up.
This is a safe room.
I don't like his tone.
Kill them? Why? So the angels here can bring them back again? I don't know what everybody's getting so worked up about.
This is just a couple of angels having a slap fight.
It's no Armageddon.
Everybody knows when the world comes to end the great serpent Jörmungandr rises up and I myself will be eaten by a big wolf.
Oh, yeah? And why is that? Because your beliefs are so much more realistic? Whole world's getting carried around on the back of a giant turtle.
Ha! Give me a break.
What are you gonna do? You watch your mouth, boy.
No one's ever proved that.
Stay.
We have to fight.
The archangels, the only thing they understand is violence.
This ends in blood, there is no other way.
It's them or us.
With all due respect, ma'am we haven't even tried talking to them.
Kali.
Who asked you? Can't we all just get along? Gab Ugh.
Tsk, tsk.
Sam, Dean.
It's always wrong place, worst time with you muttonheads, huh? Loki.
Baldur.
Good seeing you too.
I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.
- Why are you here? - To talk about the elephant.
Not you.
The apocalypse.
We can't stop it, gang.
But first things first.
The adults need to have a little conversation.
Check you later.
Okay, did that? - Holy crap.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
By the way, next time I say "let's keep driving" let's keep driving.
- Okay, yeah.
Next time.
All right, so, what's our next move? I don't know.
We grab those poor saps out of the freezer.
Bust them out, gank a few freaks if we're lucky.
And when are you ever lucky? - You know what? Bite me, Gabriel.
- Later, big boy.
I should've known.
This had your stink all over it from the jump.
You think I'm behind this? Please.
I'm the Costner to your Houston.
I'm here to save your ass.
- You wanna pull us out of the fire? - Bingo.
Those gods are gonna dust you or use you as bait.
Either way, you're uber-boned.
Because a couple months ago, you were telling us that we need to play our roles.
You were uber-boning us.
Ohh, the end is still nigh.
Michael and Lucifer are gonna dance the lambada.
But not tonight, not here.
And why do you care? I don't care.
But me and Kali, we had a thing.
Chick was all hands.
What can I say, I'm sentimental.
Do they have a chance against Satan? - Really, Sam? - You got a better idea, Dean? It's a bad idea.
Lucifer's gonna turn them into finger paint.
- Let's get going while the going's good.
Okay, great.
- Just zap us out of here.
- Would if I could.
But Kali's got you by the short and curlies.
It's a blood spell.
- You boys are on a leash.
- What does that mean? Means it's time for a little of the old black magic.
We're gonna take the hors d'oeuvres in the freezer with us.
Forget it.
It's gonna be hard enough sneaking you mooks out of here.
They called you Loki, right? They don't really know who you are.
Told you.
I'm in witness protection.
Okay, well, then how about you do what we say or we tell the Legion of Doom about your secret identity.
- They don't seem like a pro-angel crowd.
- I'll take your voices away.
- We'll write.
- I'll cut off your hands.
People are gonna be asking, "Why are you guys running around with no hands?" Fine.
Bonjour, mon amour.
- Leave.
- You always did play hard to get.
- I've moved on.
- I noticed.
Baldur? Really? Baldur's uncomplicated.
No! No! No! No! No! Stop! No! No! It's too late.
No! KALl: I never took you for the type.
- Romantic? - Pathetic.
You're the one who called me here.
Because I thought you might take this seriously.
I'm taking this seriously.
Ship's sinking, time to get off.
I mean, screw this marble.
Let's go check out Pandora.
It doesn't have to be like that.
Afraid it does.
- If we fight - You die.
And what makes you such an expert? I've tussled with those ass-monkeys once or twice.
Kali, no more tricks.
I'm begging you, don't do this.
I have to.
Can't blame me for trying.
- Still love me? - No.
Ow! Where the hell is Gabriel? You must take me for a fool, Gabriel.
You're bound to me.
Now and forever.
Ghostfacers! Ghost, Ghostfacers We face the ghost When the others will not Ghost, Ghostfacers Stay in the kitchen When the kitchen gets hot Is the intern position open? - You're hired.
- Really? - You see my face? See your little box? Yeah.
Okay, my face is gonna be right in your box.
Ghostfacers We face the faceless We face the dead Ghostfacers - If you're dead, you better stay dead.
- Yeah.
Because if not, we're gonna kill you.
- How long have you known? - Long enough.
How's the rescue going? Well, surprise, surprise.
- The Trickster has tricked us.
- Kali, don't.
You're mine now.
And you have something I want.
An archangel's blade.
From the archangel Gabriel.
Okay, okay.
So I got wings.
Like Kotex.
But that doesn't make me any less right about Lucifer.
He's lying.
- He's a spy.
- I'm not a spy.
I'm a runaway.
I'm trying to save you.
I know my brother, Kali.
He should scare the living crap out of you.
You can't beat him.
I've skipped ahead, seen how this story ends.
Your story, not ours.
Westerners.
I swear, the sheer arrogance.
You think you're the only ones on Earth.
You pillage and you butcher in your God's name.
But you're not the only religion and he's not the only God.
And now you think you can just rip the planet apart? You're wrong.
There are billions of us and we were here first.
If anyone gets to end this world it's me.
I'm sorry.
This is crazy.
They can die.
We can kill Lucifer.
All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up.
Are you out of your mind? I'm out of options.
Now, on any other given day, I'd be doing my damnedest to kill you, you filthy, murdering chimps.
Ha, ha.
But, hey desperate times.
So even though I'd love nothing better than to slit your throats, you dicks I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna help you ice the devil.
And then we can all get back to ganking each other like normal.
You want Lucifer? Well, dude's not in the Yellow Pages.
But me and Sam, we can get him here.
How? First, you let those main courses go, then we talk.
Oh, we can either take on the devil together or you lame-ass bitches can eat me.
Literally.
Come on, everybody.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
All right, all right.
Go, go, go.
Get out of here.
Pst! Dean.
Don't look at me.
Act natural.
Get in.
Nothing natural about this.
I thought you were dead.
You think I'd give Kali my real sword? That thing can kill me.
- Then what do they have in there? - A fake.
Made it out of a can of Diet Orange Slice.
- So go snag our blood, would you? - What? I heard you in there, Kali likes you.
You can get close.
- Lift the plasma, then we vamoose.
- No.
Hand over the real blade.
Better yet, why don't you sack up and help us take down Lucifer? - You can't be serious.
- Deadly.
Since when are you butt buddies with monsters? - That's all they are to you, aren't they? - Sam was right.
It's nuts, but it's the best idea I've heard.
So unless you have a better one Well, good luck with that.
Me, I'm blowing Jonestown.
Lemmings wanna run off a cliff, that's their business.
I see through you.
The smart-ass shell.
The whole "I could give a crap" thing.
Believe me, takes one to know one.
- That so? - Yes.
Those freaks aren't blood, they are family.
They just stabbed me in the frigging heart.
Maybe.
But you still give a crap about them, don't you? - Dean.
- They're gonna die in there without you.
I can't kill my brother.
Can't or won't? That's what I thought.
So you're going to summon Lucifer? Sort of.
I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running.
- Breaking them would be easier.
Show's over.
Sword's a fake.
And Gabriel? He's still kicking.
I hate to break it to you, sister, but you've been tricked.
Checking in.
Lucifer.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, you did right calling me.
It's just the way the talk is heading in there, it's It's insane.
You know, I never understood you pagans.
You're such petty little things.
Always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind.
No wonder you forfeited this planet to us.
You are worse than humans.
You're worse than demons and yet you claim to be gods.
And they call me prideful.
What's happening? It's him.
How? Does it matter? Shazam us out of here, would you? We can't.
Of course you can't.
You didn't say "Mother May I.
" Sam, Dean, good to see you again.
Baldur, don't.
You think you own the planet? What gives you the right? No one gives us the right.
We take it.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Not really.
Better late than never, huh? Guard this with your life.
Lucy, I'm home.
Not this time.
Guys, get her out of here.
Over a girl.
Gabriel, really? I mean, I knew you were slumming but I hope you didn't catch anything.
Lucifer, you're my brother and I love you.
But you are a great big bag of dicks.
What did you just say to me? Look at yourself.
Boo-hoo.
Daddy was mean to me so I'm gonna smash his toys.
- Watch your tone.
- Play the victim all you want but you and me? We know the truth.
Dad loved you best, more than Michael, more than me.
Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it.
So all this is just a great big temper tantrum.
Time to grow up.
- I'm not getting in that thing.
- Just get in the car, princess.
- Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael - Screw him.
If he were standing here, I'd shiv his ass too.
- You disloyal - Oh, I'm loyal.
- To them.
- Who? These so-called gods? To people, Lucifer.
- People.
- So you're willing to die for a pile of cockroaches? Why? Because Dad was right.
- They are better than us.
- They are broken, flawed abortions.
Damn right, they're flawed.
But a lot of them try to do better, to forgive.
And you should see the Spearmint Rhino.
I've been riding the pine a long time, but I'm in the game now.
And I'm not on your side or Michael's.
I'm on theirs.
Brother, don't make me do this.
No one makes us do anything.
I know you think you're doing the right thing, Gabriel.
But I know where your heart truly lies.
Here.
Amateur hocus-pocus.
Don't forget.
You learned all your tricks from me, little brother.
Dear Diary, being a high-powered business president is super fun but so exhausting.
Sometimes I just need to relax.
I need Casa Erotica.
Room service.
Come in.
Gabriel wanted you to guard this with your life? Maybe he's a fan.
It is a good one.
I've got the kielbasa you ordered.
Ohh.
Polish? Hungarian.
- What the hell's going on? So nice.
Sam, Dean you're probably wondering what the hell's going on.
Well, if you're watching this, I'm dead.
Oh, please, stop sobbing.
It's embarrassing for all of us.
Without me, you got zero shot at killing Lucifer.
Sorry.
But you can trap him.
The cage you sprung Lucifer from, it's still down there.
And maybe, just maybe, you can shove his ass back in.
Not that it'll be easy.
You gotta get the cage open, trick my bro back into it and, oh, yeah, avoid Michael and the God squad.
But, hey, details, right? And here's the big secret Lucifer himself doesn't even know.
But the key to the cage, it's out there.
Actually, it's "keys," plural.
Four keys.
Well, four rings from the horsemen.
You get them all, you got the cage.
Can't say I'm betting on you boys, but, hey, I've been wrong before.
And, Dean, you were right.
I was afraid to stand up to my brother.
But not anymore.
So this is me standing up and this is me lying down.
- My goodness.
You're naughty.
- Oh.
Oh, man.
Horsemen, huh? Well, we got War's.
We nicked Famine's.
That's two rings down.
Collect all four? - All we need is Pestilence and Death.
Oh, is that all? It's a plan.
The hell? Does this stuff make you drowsy? I've got a lot of driving to do.
Blue ones make you sleepy.
Red and orange ones are okay for daytime.
Oh, the living.