Supernatural s14e04 Episode Script

Mint Condition

1 Sammy, it's me.
I don't remember most of what Michael did because I was underwater, drowning and that I remember.
[ Screams .]
I felt every second of it.
Why would Michael give up his vessel like that? I don't know.
- Ghosts 101.
- Ghost possession.
Definitely a ghost.
Somebody's spirit can attach itself to an object or a bunch of objects.
Everything has a weakness.
Dean: They hate iron and salt.
Whatever happens, you stay inside this circle.
- Where's the spear?! - So Michael wants the spear because he knows it can hurt him.
You're no different than him.
I am nothing like him.
Announcer: Do you have unwanted gold just lying around the house, collecting dust? Why not turn that gold into cash? Here at Diamond Dave's, you can have cash in your hands today.
We'll take anything you want to sell us.
Woman: When Aunt Gloria passed away, she left me so much jewelry, I didn't know what to do.
That's when I called Diamond Dave.
Announcer: If it's gold, it's cash in your hands.
Announcer #2: You're watching Shocker TV.
[ Screams .]
This week on Shocker, it's gonna be a blood bath.
We've got slicing and dicing.
We've got scream queens and killing machines, 24 hours a day, all week long.
Hatchet Man: Time to slice and dice.
[ Bell tolls in distance .]
[ Horns honk in distance .]
[ Gasps .]
[ Chuckles .]
Mezco 15" Mega-Scale Panthro.
So handsome.
So angry.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Cellphone rings .]
[ Gasps .]
Hey, Sam.
Stuart, what did you do? I Uh, nothing.
Really? Because according to Yelp and this awesome, one-star review we just got, you screamed at a customer and called him a, quote, "mongoloid Tribble in a robotic exoskeleton built by Tony Stark's inbred third cousin.
" Which is not cool, and weirdly, creepily specific.
That -- He said I couldn't beat up Superman.
Again, Superman is not real.
That's not the point.
And I have seen you get winded eating a taco.
Okay, that doesn't matter.
If I had kryptonite gloves, I could beat up Superman.
Anyone could.
That's science, Sam.
Look, I -- [Sighs.]
I like that you care -- really, really care about this stuff, but we need every customer we can get, okay? So just chill a little, please.
Yeah, um Okay.
I'm sorry, Sam.
I just -- I just get spun out sometimes.
I know.
Coming to game night? Of course.
I'll see you there.
[ Sirens wail in distance .]
[ Cellphone beeps .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Whoosh .]
[ Bell jingles .]
[ Keys jostle, lock engages .]
[ Door knob rattles .]
Stuart: Yeah, well, all I'm hearing is excuses.
Okay, look, I don't [laughing.]
care about traffic, okay?! It has been over 30 minutes, so -- Hello?! Free pizza! [ Sighs .]
[ Groans .]
[ Cellphone beeps .]
[ Object clatters .]
The heck? H-How did you [ Screams .]
Supernatural 14x04 Mint Condition Man: brought them back -- back from Hell, again.
Announcer: "Hell Hazers 3: It Lives Again.
" And now back to "Hatchet Man: All Saints' Day.
" There will be no further interruptions.
I get electrified Time to slice and dice.
You've got the power When you turn off the juice My circuits overload When your body lives Son of a bitch.
You're electrified Hey, this area's closed off.
[ Music continues indistinctly .]
I-I said beat it, buddy.
[ Breathing heavily .]
[ Whimpers .]
[ Screams .]
[ Screaming continues .]
Time to slice and dice.
[ Woman screams .]
[ Knocks on door .]
- Hey.
- What? Uh, what you doing? Horror marathon on Shocker.
Just made my way through the "Halloweens" and now I'm about to -- [ Man screams .]
Oh, wow.
What? Oh, yes, I shaved.
I mean, it's so smooth.
It's like a dolphin's belly.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, um I wanted to check up on you.
You doing okay? I mean, y-you haven't really come out of your room in almost a week.
Well, since when is "okay" a part of this job, huh? Yeah, Cass, is, you know, showing Jack the ropes and Dark Kaia and her spear are in the wind and we have no clue where Michael is or what he's up to.
And, not that I'm complaining, but the house is full of strangers, so So your plan is to just lay in here, watching "Hatchet Man" movies, seriously? "All Saints' Day" is a classic.
[ Woman screams .]
Time to slice and dice.
- Oh, is it? - What do you care? You don't even like scary movies.
Well, yeah, Dean, our life is a scary movie.
I like it when they run.
All right, well, I hate to disturb your marathon, but I think I found us a case.
More Michael monsters? No.
Killer toy.
What kind of toy? And then the thing freakin' jumped me! I mean, It wouldn't stop! It was just over and over.
Just [ Breathing heavily .]
Panthro kicked my ass.
ThunderCats? Seriously? Yeah.
But, I mean, you got your pizza, at least eight more of these movies, so I'll just leave you to it, and I'll get one of the other guys to -- Oh, hell no.
[ TV turns off .]
Hell no.
Panthro is mine.
Dean: I wonder if we're talking, like, one toy gone bad or if it's like a whole crew, you know, like Puppet Master-style.
Do you actually want there to be more than one? I don't know, just - Boo! - Boo! Aah.
Still not a fan of Halloween, huh? Nope.
[ Chuckles .]
So lame.
Happy Halloween.
[ Man screams .]
Hey, I can help you guys in just a second.
Hm, she's like your twin.
What? What are you talking about? Her -- soft, delicate features, luxurious hair.
She's like your Wonder Twin.
All right, okay.
Well, if that's me, then, uh that's you over there.
- That guy? - Yeah.
- [ Laughs .]
- Yeah, we have zero in common.
[ Gasps .]
Hatchet Man.
No way.
Check it out.
It's David freakin' Yaeger.
Press the button.
Hm? [ Button clicks .]
Time to slice and dice.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, dude.
[ Button clicks .]
We all do bad things sometimes.
[ Button clicks .]
Trick or Treat! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- I need this.
- How much? Not for sale.
[ Bell jingles .]
Hatchet Man's a classic.
Nothing in common.
Okay, what can I help you guys with? Funko Pops, Magic cards? Uh, Stuart Blake -- Vintage Hot Wheels.
I'm sorry.
Uh, were you getting helped by Stuart with vintage Hot Wheels, or No, sorry.
Um, my name is Ian Gillan, and this is I'm Ritchie Blackmore.
We're with Campbell & Sons Insurance.
We heard about Stuart's little incident with the toy, and, uh, we're hoping to speak to him.
Well, he's at home healing up.
Well, we went to his place, and his roommate said he had moved out.
Kicked out, actually.
They had a fight.
Over? [ Sighs .]
"Fist of the North Star.
" Stuart said that the dubbed version was better, but -- You know what, forget it.
Um, I like Stuart, but he's an acquired taste.
Sounds like a guy who could make a lot of enemies.
I mean, not real ones.
Maybe online -- He trolls everything.
Okay, uh where can we find Stuart now? He's at his mom's house.
Of course he is.
[ Chainsaw revs in distance .]
Stewie will be up in just a minute.
I can't believe you had her make us apple cider.
She offered.
Stuart: No! No! You stupid, dumb -- That's not how you play the [ Screams .]
Game over! I'm done! Done! [ Footsteps approaching .]
Who are you? Uh, we're from Campbell & Sons Insurance, and -- - What are you doing down there? Fortnite.
It's a video game.
It's the video game.
Yeah, well, I'm a Zelda for life, so [ Chuckles .]
What, are you burning sage down there? So? I-I dated this goth chick.
Like, super hot.
Met online, and -- and she was into Wicca.
Said that burning sage was, like, good luck or some crap like that.
So, you're not together anymore? [ Snorts .]
I broke it off before we could MIRL.
You know, I mean, who needs goth-girl drama, am I right? - Merle? - Uh, M-I-R-L.
"Meet in real life.
" Why do you know what that means? Stuart, we're here to ask about the attack you reported with the toy -- I made it up.
You what? The whole thing.
I lied.
But the video [ Stammers .]
That was fake.
I didn't expect it to go viral, but it did, and, uhI just I fell.
'Cause the hospital report said that you had marks on your face, your legs, your back, and your genitals.
That's not a slip and fall.
Well, I don't see why an insurance company would care, you know? And I-I think it's time for you to leave.
- Okay, but -- - Now.
[ Door slams .]
Lady-you wasn't kidding.
That guy's a piece of work.
Well, whatever happened was not an accident.
Okay, but, uh Big Bang in there, not a great liar.
So, what are we thinking? Spell? Well, his girlfriend was into Wicca.
Wicca doesn't always mean witch.
Except when it does.
All right, let's wait till they leave, check out the house for hex bags.
Yeah, find some lamb's blood.
Right, exactly.
All right, good.
Stay safe.
[ Cellphone beeps .]
All good? Yeah, it was Riley.
He'll be fine.
I don't know who Riley is, but cool.
Children: Happy Halloween! So, seriously, what is your deal with Halloween? [ Sighs .]
I don't like it.
Yeah, but why don't you like it? Hmm? And don't give me that, like, "Oh, every day is Halloween for us" crap, okay? Because, one, it ain't.
We don't eat that much candy.
Two, you've had this hate on for years.
So? Mom's on the move.
[ Car door opens, closes .]
[ Engine starts .]
All right, what about our guy? [ Sighs .]
You know, I think I know why Stuart changed his story.
Uh, the comments on his video are all pretty brutal.
People are calling him a liar, a loser, "ThunderSpaz," Snarf's love child, Panthro's bi - Rhymes with "itch"? - Yep.
Got to love the Internet, where everyone can be a dick.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Groaning .]
Help me! Help me! Help! [ Grunting .]
[ Whimpering .]
Stay with him.
[ Pistol cocks .]
Okay, uh Hang in there.
Hey, wait.
We'll get you help.
[ Groaning .]
[ Chainsaw revs .]
[ Siren wails in distance .]
[ Indistinct talking over P.
My poor baby.
Yeah, it was touch and go there for a while, but, uh, doctors say he's gonna be all right.
I'm just grateful you showed up.
I [ Sighs .]
Thank you.
You saved his life.
Oh, I-I should run back home, get -- get Stewie his favorite pillow.
Actually, you know what? Um It's probably better if you just stay here.
Yeah, just until he wakes up, you know? Yeah, of course.
You're -- You're right.
I'm just all flustered.
It's okay.
Everything's fine.
Everything is not fine.
My first clue was the flying chainsaw.
While you were waiting for the ambulance, I did a quick sweep for hex bags, nothing, but then I pulled out EMF, went freakin' crazy.
- So it's a ghost.
- Yeah.
Hey, we got to figure out a way to keep mom here while we clear the house.
You know, I don't get why a ghost would be gunning for Stuart.
[ Scoffs .]
Murder, grave robbery, stole his favorite Pokémon -- I mean, take your pick.
All right, you stay here with them.
I'll go check the house, ask around, see if anybody -- - Got dead lately? - Yeah.
- All right.
Woman: GI Lab, 6-2-6-7.
[ Telephone ring in distance .]
[ Switch flicking .]
[ Flashlight clicks .]
[ Chuckles .]
Nice, Sam.
[ Inhales deeply .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Warbling .]
What the hell? [ Warbling stops .]
Announcer: Now back to our feature.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Woman: Are you insane?! They will never understand that it was an accident.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? Just keeping an eye on Stuart.
He must have awesome insurance.
[ Indistinct talking on TV .]
Trick or treat? He's still out.
Yeah, the nurse told me.
Babs went out for a quick bite.
Figured I'd stick around.
I want to be here when he wakes up.
He's kind of my best friend.
Is that right? [ Sighs .]
Look, I I know Stuart has his stuff, but we all do.
And me and my dad don't get along so great, and whenever we -- we really have it out, Stuart lets me crash at his place.
No questions asked.
We just eat pizza and watch movies.
It's Zen.
Sounds like a good friend.
Yeah, but now, when his mom called, said someone a-attacked him with a chainsaw? Looks like.
Happy Halloween, huh? [ Woman screams .]
[ Eerie music plays .]
[ Breathing heavily .]
Oh, I got to get out of here.
"All Saints' Day Three.
" Totally Both: Time to slice and dice! Like, [sighs.]
creeping me out to the max.
[ Screams .]
Hatchet Man: Trick or treat.
Time to slice and dice.
Never gets old.
You know, a lot of people don't like this one, but it's actually my favorite.
I mean, sure.
There's no way a hospital would ever be that empty.
but that's over-thinking it.
- I don't know.
I've been to a lot of hospitals at night.
Trust me, they get pretty empty.
Okay, so, "All Saints' Day Three" -- That's my top pick.
What about you? I mean, I like Five, right -- "Search for David Yaeger"? 'Cause it's weird, but it's bloody.
- So bloody.
- Yeah.
In the best way.
But, uh I got to go with number four.
- "Hatchet Man Lives"? - Yeah.
Nice choice.
"Killed in a prank gone wrong" Both: "Mechanic David Yaeger comes back every year on the day after Halloween.
On All Saints' Day, Hatchet Man takes his revenge!" [ Chuckles .]
You really know your A.
Yeah, well growing up, it was, uh It was always nice to check out once in a while.
I like to watch movies where I know the bad guy's gonna lose.
[ Eerie music plays .]
Knock knock.
Time to die.
[ Bell jingles .]
Oh, um, we're, um -- we're closing.
[ Door closes .]
Yeah, right.
I-I just, uh Sorry.
I'm just here to, um Did you hear about Stuart? Yeah, his mom told us what happened when she dropped off his keys.
- Yeah.
I mean, what happened to him, that's insane.
Yeah, yeah, so -- so I actually have a few questions, um and they might be a little different.
- Different like - Different like, uh Has anyone close to Stuart died recently? You're an insurance dude, right? Yeah, yeah, and -- and we wouldn't normally ask these kinds of questions, but it's a special circumstance, and Well, I mean Jordan.
Jordan? Yeah, he owned the store.
He taught Stuart, Dirk, and I everything we know about comics and games.
He was like our own personal Willy Wonka.
Sounds like a great guy.
He was.
Cancer sucks, you know? Yeah.
So, who owns the place now? Me and Dirk.
Jordan left it to us.
But not Stuart? Stuart worked here, but Jordan fired him twice.
He kept catching Stuart stealing, and to Jordan, this place was his life, you know? And you hired Stuart back? He's my friend.
Okay, uh Where is Jordan buried? Nowhere.
He was cremated.
Oh, um, right.
Sure, uh, excuse me.
I just have to, uh What's that? [ Warbling .]
It's a, um carbon monoxide detector.
Wh-- Is that -- Is that bad? Yeah, yep.
Pretty bad.
Um You know what? Uh, you should leave now.
- What? No.
- Okay, listen to me.
This is weird, but I think you're in danger -- [ Footsteps approach .]
[ Screams .]
[ Inhales sharply .]
[ Gasps .]
Samantha? Samantha! [ Samantha whimpers .]
Hey! Hey, are you okay? No? What just happened? I think, uh I think a ghost -- A ghost? Yes, um All right.
Listen to me.
Ghosts are real, and they can possess things -- uh, people, toys, chainsaws, and, apparently, life-size figurines.
You are not from an insurance company, are you? N-Not exactly.
Listen, I-I-I'm not sure, but I think the ghost of Jordan is trying to kill Stuart.
Wait, what? Did he hurt you? No, he just -- He shoved me out of the way, and then he bolted.
It's locked.
Where are the keys? Hatchet Man or whatever took them.
- You sure? -I -- I was pretty busy screaming, but, yeah, I'm sure.
Is this expensive? What? - No, don't! - Eugh! [ Thud .]
Yeah, it's shatter-proof glass.
Jordan's pretty serious about thieves.
[ Indistinct shouting on TV .]
The aerobics instructor in the giant mixer.
Right, and then the kids the next morning are at the rec center, they're all eating breakfast, and the one finds a tooth with all the stringy bits still hooked onto it.
Oh, come on.
I mean, forget Freddy and Jason.
That's top-10 horror-movie kill right there.
Top-five, even.
Oh, and then, the jock guy's face when Hatchet Man shoves it into the engine fan of that truck and it just, like bbl-bbl-bbl-bbl-bbl-bbl [ Imitates explosion .]
Did you know that they made the brain splatter with saltwater taffy? I did not know that.
That's pretty cool.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Excuse me.
[ Cellphone beeps .]
Yeah, what's up, Sam? We were right.
It's a ghost.
Guy's name was Jordan MacNeel.
He used to own the comic shop.
All right, so we going to a graveyard or what? No, no, no.
He was cremated.
And, um And what? So, he possessed the David Yaeger figure at the shop, and I think he's coming for Stuart.
Wait, wait, wait -- Are you telling me that -- that Hatchet Man David Yaeger is coming here? Uh, I mean, not -- not literally, but Hatchet Man is coming here? [ Chuckles .]
Hatchet Man: Trick or treat.
Hey, hey.
Look at that.
Hey, man! Whoo! [ Chuckles .]
David Yaeger! Killer costume! Come on, let's go.
Hey, trick or treat! If ghosts are real, does that mean vampires? Yep.
- Witches? - Uh-huh.
Werewolves? Unless it's Godzilla, it's real.
All right.
Get in.
But -- Now! Now, listen to me.
Ghosts can't cross the salt line, okay? So whatever you hear, whatever you see, whatever happens, stay inside.
Capiche? What I don't get is, why is Jordan going after Stuart now? It doesn't make any sense.
Stuart's been stealing.
- What? - I mean, not cash, just stuff that he thought was cool.
And Stuart doesn't have good impulse control.
I've been taking money out of his checks to make up for it, but I guess a ghost wouldn't know that.
Yeah, guess not.
[ Grunts .]
Oh, come on.
Damn it.
It's a hardcore lock.
All right.
We got to get out of here.
Okay, how? Do you have cleaning supplies? [ Monitor beeping rhythmically .]
[ Shivers .]
What the [ Electricity crackles .]
[ Whimpers .]
[ White noise plays .]
Aaah! Help! What's happening? I got to get out of here! [ Screams .]
Hey! Jordan, I -- I know you're trying to kill Stuart, but he's my friend.
He's our friend.
So if you want to do this, you're gonna have to go through me! Oh, crap.
Woman: Hey, Phil.
Hey, where are you? [ Chuckles .]
Come on.
[ Eerie music plays .]
[ Screams .]
Oh, no.
Run, girl.
[ Screams .]
I like it when they run.
Now, you see that? You see that? That's[Chuckles.]
my favorite part.
[ Breathing heavily .]
Woman: Stop! Leave me alone! [ Screams .]
Enough talking.
More killing.
You kidding me? Are you kidding me? Ooh.
Right? - She is so slow.
- Come on, man.
Somebody come and help me please! [ Screams .]
Where is everybody? [ Screams .]
Ooh! Run, girl! Run! Mm! You got to run, girl.
Come on, man.
My grandmother runs faster than you.
Help! Somebody! Anybody help me! [ Breathing heavily .]
Where is everybody?! [ Breathing heavily .]
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Jordan, please! You're dead! Get away from me! [ Elevator bell dings .]
We killed you.
You're dead! We all do bad things sometimes.
Press that button.
Press that button.
He would never catch me, tell you that much.
No, this can't be happening.
No! You can't run from Hatchet Man.
This isn't real! [ Buttons clicking .]
[ Woman screams .]
[ Both gasp .]
All right.
Pretty sure this will work.
Where did you learn how to do this? I had a messed-up childhood.
Here goes.
Yep, all right.
Uh, get back.
[ Fizzing .]
Get down.
- Cool.
- Cool.
[ Gasps .]
Told you to stay put.
You don't -- He's here.
Where? [ Button clicks .]
Time to slice and dice.
Oh, hell.
David Yaeger was an honest man making an honest living, until one night, when a practical joke turned deadly.
Man: One day, we're gonna have to answer for the things we did that night.
Woman: It was just a prank.
Now, David Yaeger is back with his faithful hatchet to get revenge on those who took his life.
[ Screams .]
If the people responsible for his death weren't torn up about it they're going to be.
[ Screams .]
Time to slice and dice.
In this dark, quiet hospital, they can run, they can hide We killed you.
You're dead! but there's no escaping the Hatchet Man.
Trick or treat.
No, this can't be happening.
We all do bad things sometimes.
"All Saints' Day III: The Reckoning," coming soon to a theater near you.
Pray for survival.
All right, look, man.
I know once you go Casper, things can be a little -- well, a lot crazy.
The way I see it, you got two options.
One, you let this go, and you walk into the light.
Or, two I send you there.
[ Button clicks .]
Time to slice and dice.
I was kind of hoping you'd say that.
Stay back! I got this.
[ Elevator dings .]
Problem is, the ghost is always tied to an object.
Right? Its bones, something that meant a lot to it in life.
Whatever that thing is, the ghost is usually stuck there, but Jordan, he's been all over -- the shop, Stuart's house, so how's he moving around? - The key chain.
- What? - It was Jordan's and then Stuart closed up the night he got attacked and he brought the shop keys home and then his mom brought them back after.
I mean, could that -- Does that make sense? Yeah.
It does.
Come on.
[ Button clicks .]
We all do bad things sometimes.
[ Knife clatters .]
I -- Sorry? [ Dean gags .]
Dean! Key chain! Sam: Come on, come on, come on.
Use this.
Dean: [ Strained .]
Ugh! It's really sunk in deep! Hurry up! [ Wails .]
Time to slice [distorted.]
and Di Is it really over? Just like that? "Just like that"? Yeah, you're -- You're all safe now, even Stuart.
And Jordan, is -- is he He's in a better place.
Thanks, man.
Hmm? You, uh You got me out here 'cause you needed to get me out of my funk and get me a win, and you did.
So thanks.
I got to admit, it didn't go exactly like I thought it would.
Hey, man.
I just went toe-to-toe with David freakin' Yaeger.
[ Chuckling .]
That was awesome.
Yeah, it wasn't really -- Don't ruin this for me.
[ Chuckles .]
Hey, Dean when we get back to the bunker, man, you got to stop hiding out in your room.
I'm not hiding out.
And I get why you're doing it.
I-I do.
But what happened with Michael You said yes for me, for Jack, for your family.
You did the right thing.
What happened after, just because Michael was wearing your face, doesn't mean any of this is on you.
I don't blame you.
No one blames you.
You got to try and stop blaming yourself, please.
I'm never gonna get over it, okay? I'm just not.
But you're right -- I'm not doing anybody any good by just staying couped up in my room, sowhatever you need, I'm there.
All right, chief? [ Chuckles .]
[ Watch beeps .]
All right.
Well, that is it.
Halloween is officially over.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay, seriously, why? Why do you hate Halloween? What is it? Was it the time that I -- I ate all your Halloween candy? - No.
- Was it something Dad did? No, dude, you don't want to know.
No, I really do.
What? [ Scoffs .]
All right.
Remember Andrea Howell? No.
When I was in sixth grade, we were living in Bismark.
I had a huge crush on her.
Aww, that's adorable.
So, she invited me to her Halloween party.
I said yes, and I-I went over, and at first, everything was great, um And then we started to play games.
Spin the bottle? B-Bobbing for apples.
Like I said, I had a crush, so the entire night, my stomach was in knots, and when it was my turn, I-I bent down, and No.
[ Retches .]
Lunch, dinner, it all came up -- on Andrea, mostly.
Uh, people ran and screamed, and it was so bad.
That's great.
I ended up hiding out in the woods until you finally came and got me.
So that's why you hate Halloween.
- Yeah.
- Oh, come on, man.
You got to get over that.
That's -- I mean All right.
This is what we're gonna do.
Next year, we're doing Halloween right, okay? I'm thinking matching outfits like, uh Batman and Robin.
- Bert and Ernie.
- No.
- That's weird.
- Yes.
Uh Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Dean Shaggy and Scooby.
Why would we Turner and Hooch.
[ Scoffs .]
Ren and Stimpy.
Come on, now.
- Thelma and Louise.
- Thelma and -- We just put it in drive and go.
[ Engine revs .]
[ Light bulb buzzes .]
[ Electricity crackles .]
What the Trick or treat.
[ Laughs maniacally .]