Superstore (2015) s04e09 Episode Script

Shadowing Glenn

1 [knock on door] Hey, hope I'm not interrupting.
No, come on in.
I'm just researching Lutheran Kindergarten options for the baby.
- Wow, already? - Yeah, they fill up fast, especially the accredited ones.
So, I've been doing a little future planning myself.
And I was thinking that maybe I might wanna, um, become a manager like you.
[gasps] Like me? Yeah.
Well[voice unsteady] that is some interesting news.
And I was wondering if maybe you'd be willing to write a letter of recommendation for the management training program.
I'm sorry, are you okay? [emotionally] Yeah, I'm sorry.
This is just like the happiest day of my life.
I am gonna teach you everything that I know.
You are gonna be the best manager sorry manage-ess that they have ever seen.
I'm pretty sure that the training program will cover most of what I need Oh, there is no way that I am sending you into that lion's den unarmed.
I gotta start building your curriculum.
Oh, um, that sounds like a lot work, and I know how valuable your time is.
No, do not even think about paying me for this.
Lesson one: Typing using the "home row" method.
[upbeat music] So, you wanna be a manager.
You've worked your little tush off.
You're on the fast track.
But sloooow down.
You still got a lot to learn.
Welcome to tape four of "Management Overview.
" - When did he make this? - Last night.
He stayed up till 11:30.
He actually fell asleep through most of part one, but then he farted himself awake.
This is what you get for wanting to be a manager.
Just a sweaty idiot snoring and farting through his basement.
You don't wanna be a manager? God, no.
Why would I? I just figured since you're an assistant manager, the next logical step would be What's wrong with being an assistant manager? Nothing, nothing.
If you're happy, I'm not judging you.
It sounds like you're judging her.
Guys, this really doesn't have to be a group thing.
I wanna start my own business someday.
Oh, my God, so do I.
Wait, is this really happening? Are we really starting a business together? You know what? I hate you for saying it first, but yes.
Guys, remember this moment we just witnessed history.
Sometimes, as a manager, you've gotta be a shark.
I think he missed the pause button.
I got tricked into starring in a video once.
It was hilarious.
[Iggy Pop's "Real Wild Child"] That I got to be the wild one Ooh, yeah, I'm a wild one Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
I mean, come on, who'd have thunk it? Yesterday you were just some nobody floor manager, and now here you are ordering ice pops all by yourself.
- It's been a whirlwind.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, now I hit submit? Uh-buh-buh-buh! Euuuhh! A-C-E-S-T: "Always Check Everything Seven Times.
" Really, seven times? Isn't that five or six times too many? You would be surprised how many mistakes I pick up on the seventh check.
Seven times, got it.
Okay, and then I hit submit.
Ah yes, but if you ever forget where you are, here's a little mnemonic device, you know, to help you remember.
First Mark the unit's inventory price And unit quantity Then triple check the product name 'Cause thorough's what you want be - Glenn, really, I - Then look it over One more time in case there's a mistake Then sign it, date it, click submit And throw it in the lake But don't do that last part, 'cause it's just for the rhyme.
Hey, I've been thinking about what you said, about how I should be ashamed of my job.
Oh, I didn't actually mean you should be ashamed No, no, no.
You were right to ridicule me in front of everyone.
It was harsh but a real wake-up call.
Okay, again, I wasn't trying to ridicule you.
I Truth is, I don't wanna do this for the rest of my life.
But I don't wanna be a manager either, so what do I do? I mean, you could do whatever you want.
Oh, really? Could I be a giraffe? - Well, within reality.
- Yeah, exactly.
How quickly we go from "you can be whatever you wanna be" to "within reality.
" Okay, drop what you're doing.
We have to figure this out.
- We? - It is the least you can do after the way you humiliated me.
You can't just shiv someone and then walk away.
You need to help mop up the blood.
Mop up my blood, Jonah.
What if we call our business "Divinity"? But the word Divinity is written upside down.
Mmm-hmm, love it, but also kind of hate it.
What about "Just Us"? "Just Us" or just "Us"? Just "Just Us.
" "Just Just Us" or just"Just Us"? Hey, any chance you guys could go talk over somebody else's head? Shh.
We are trying to create a lifestyle brand slash multimedia platform.
Yeah, you obviously don't get Chateo.
Chateo! [laughs/exclaims] I love it! I actually thought of it a while ago, but I was sitting on it, 'cause I just wanted it to, like, slip out and sound super casual.
[laughs] Oh, my God! Okay, so the guy that we're going to talk to at the distribution center is named Ronald Stimple.
And here's a few tidbits I collected to help us out during the call.
We need to know that he wears a mouth guard at night - to order paper towels? - Okay, Amy, managing a store is about relationships.
Business is personal.
That's why when you ask a question that's too personal, they say "it's none of your" - "Business.
" - Exactly.
God, you're a fast learner.
Would you mind actually putting that in the recommendation letter? Which, by the way, they said "the sooner the better," but no pressure.
Yeah, I'm not feeling any.
Okay, so, Ronald is 47 years old, he's in a handball league, he had a deaf girlfriend when he was 16, and he's thinking about a vasectomy, but I think he's showing off.
Hey, Ronald, Glenn Sturgis here.
Time to order some more paper towels.
Okay, no problem.
Okay, anyway, how's it going with [dial tone] And that is how that is done.
- So interesting - Yeah.
- To see behind the curtains.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
All right, next up is Fern Rosato.
Now, she's married to a woman, so watch how casually I bring up "Xena: Warrior Princess.
" - How's training? - Ah! [sighs] I'm supposed to be tuning into the rhythms of the store.
Or trusting my inner manager.
I'm not sure.
Glenn was playing "Chariots of Fire" really loudly at the time.
Sounds like you're learning a lot.
Oh, yeah.
Earlier today, I got to order ice pops all by myself.
Nice! Sounds like it's totally worth it.
Well, I think in the end it will be.
I'm just glad to finally be taking control of my life again, you know? No more crying over stupid mistakes I made as a high school student.
If I'm unhappy with my life, then you know, it's up to me to change that.
For me, I think it started with my parents.
They didn't love each other enough to love their kids.
Oh, um, I Oh.
[clattering] Okay, next question.
"In your career, would you rather work with your hands or at a desk?" Well, if I choose the desk, am I not allowed to use my hands? I mean, am I typing with my face? I think you're getting bogged down with the details.
Just answer off the top of your head.
I mean, I don't I don't know, it depends.
I mean, "work with your hands" could be code for "massage," which could be code for "prostitution.
" I mean, do I wanna be a prostitute? Again, depends.
Who are my clients? Let's try a different section.
Um, okay.
"Rank the following four qualities "from most to least important: flexible hours, coworker relationships, social impact, salary.
" Four-way tie.
That's okay.
- Yeah.
- I'll just all right.
Okay, uh, what about this one? How does it make you feel? Scared.
You said the last one also made you feel scared.
- Okay.
- And what about this one? Hey, is that the Pizza Hut font? Yes.
Just how does it make you feel? Like, um hungry.
We want sophisticated, bold, offensive, inclusive.
Okay [ahem].
I'm sorry, I thought that we weren't doing "bold.
" I thought we were doing "bold.
" Okay, maybe we should just forget the whole thing.
- Okay, I'm out.
- What? What if instead of "bold" we did "extreme"? Okay, okay, back in.
I love "extreme.
" We just solved our first business crisis.
I love making business decisions.
Okay, I have hidden several rule violations somewhere in this section.
And, go.
That trash can is overflowing.
That fluorescent light bulb is out.
That mannequin's missing an arm.
There is a bottle of grape soda that doesn't belong in women's wear and it's leaking.
These sweaters aren't really folded.
They're just sort of wadded up into balls.
And Brett should be wearing a shirt.
That was really good.
You even found some I didn't notice.
Okay, so, this next part is called: "Backwards and on Roller-Skates.
" 'Cause a great manager should be able to do this job backwards and on roller-skates.
Glenn, this really isn't necessary.
I mean, I know all of this stuff, and what I don't know, I'm sure I'll learn in actual management training.
So, you don't want my fake management training, is what you're saying.
I mean, I wanna say exactly, but I'm trying not to hurt your feelings.
Sorry I wasted your time.
Brett, for future reference, if a manager asks you to take off your clothes, you can say no.
Okay, what about Professional flavor tester? Pass.
I don't want my sister's job.
Maritime law? Legislative or enforcement? - Enforcement.
- Pass.
- Legislative? - Also, pass.
Why didn't you just say that to being with? I'm trying to be open.
Maybe you could be a bike messenger.
Uh, like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in "Premium Rush"? I think I'll pass on being chased around by a corrupt cop because I'm unknowingly delivering $50,000 to a Chinese human trafficker, thanks.
What are you trying to do, get her killed? What about scuba cop? Is that a job? I don't think I see that listed here.
- It's a pass anyway.
- Ah.
Too worried about the bends.
Amy, hey.
Are you the one who keeps putting pictures of naked horses in my locker? Aren't all horses naked? Not this naked.
They're just putting it all out there.
No, Marcus, no.
I am not the one putting naked horses in your locker.
Also, did you septuple-check this purchase order? It just showed up.
No, because you don't need to check something seven times.
That is not right.
Obviously, it was a typo.
I meant to write 120.
Who would need 12,000 boxes of ice pops? We don't have room for that.
No, sorry, sir.
Can you not bring this in? Sorry, lady, not my problem.
You cannot hold us to this deal.
No, okay, sir, you may not bring this in here.
Absolutely not.
All right, fine.
[with effort] You are not going anywhere.
Oh, God.
Okay, these shoes have no traction.
This is way too many ice pops.
It's fine.
It's fine.
We just have to sell them as quickly as possible.
Now, in the middle of winter.
Yeah, it's like when you were playing in the snow as a kid, and your mom would come out with a delicious tray of ice-cold milkshakes.
Um, does Glenn know about this? No, and he doesn't need to, so let's get all these into the freezer before he sees them.
The freezer's full.
And based on my experience with ice, these things are gonna melt.
Well, it's January, Marcus.
Outside is a freezer, so just hide them somewhere outside.
You want me to just hide all of these boxes somewhere outside? - Can you? - Absolutely.
I'm pretty good at hiding things.
My girlfriend lived with me for an entire year during high school.
My mom had no idea.
I hid her in my stuffed animals like E.
Why did you have so many stuffed animals in high school? Do we need someone to distract Glenn while we try to sell them? I can make myself cry on command.
Ooh, it's not happening.
Oh wait, here it comes.
Okay, everyone look away.
I'm gonna pull out a nose hair.
- Ugh! - You know what? Cheyenne and I will distract him.
Okay, yeah, great.
That's a plan.
We have a plan.
Yeah, Marcus is just gonna hide these boxes somewhere.
Mateo and Cheyenne are gonna distract Glenn with something.
And Justine's gonna cry.
This is some "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" level [bleep].
It's pretty good.
[pop music playing] Hey, Glenn.
I don't know if you heard, but Mateo and I are starting a business.
" Oh, that's really great.
Well, and since you're a businessman, we were wondering if we could sit here with you for the next couple of hours, and just really learn from you.
Really, you want my help? - Oh, yes.
- Uh, yes.
- Please.
- Absolutely.
Okay, have a seat.
Ugh, I thought I was starting to find Coat Guard interesting, but I think I'm just enjoying this octopus in a sailor hat.
Well, I think we've been through every job, and there's nothing left.
There's gotta be something.
Do you think space mailman will ever be a thing? Look, you can't expect to figure out your entire future in a day.
I spent 200 grand on higher education, and I still haven't figured it out.
200 grand? Your parents must be pissed.
All student loans.
You have $200,000 in student loan debt? Ha! I mean, the interest on that alone must be more than you make here.
Well, yeah.
I mean, sure That means every single day, even after you've worked a full day, you are more in debt than you were the day before.
- [laughs] - Uh-huh.
Wow, I thought I was in trouble, but ha! I mean, you're just as lost as I am, and you're 2 hundy in the hole.
That's pretty weird to think about, huh? [laughs] That is weird.
Attention shoppers: it's 10 degrees Fahrenheit outside, so why not take home a frosty case of ice pops? It makes about as much sense as most of the stuff you buy here.
I'm looking at you, Spoon Painting Guy.
Sir, would you like to try a tasty ice pop? Ma'am, you look like you could use a refreshing pick-me-up.
Celebrate winter with yummy, ice-cold ice pops.
Are these okay for a diabetic? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
And just like that, you have a mug of steaming hot purple cider.
Get your ice pops, ice pops, ice pops.
Hey, oh.
Look alive, look alive.
Half a cup of milk, a handful of kale, a scoop of protein powder, add three ice pops, [buzzing] That's what fiber sounds like.
Have a heavenly day.
Have a heavenly day.
And then voila.
If your daddy says you can't have them, then you scream and scream and scream your head off until he says yes.
Just a little like it's like popcorn.
They said it couldn't be done, but just like that, 12,000 ice pops disappeared.
[chuckling] Mindfreak, right? I think this is one of those situations where the job you did is so incredibly bad and such a massive waste of time that it circled around to genius.
So, it's not good? It's not good.
On the ninth day of business - My employees said - [knock on door] Glenn, oh uh sorry, I can come back.
No, no, what is it? I just wanted to come see if I could take you to lunch to discuss, um, my my salary.
That sounds great.
We'll all go.
All of us? But what about the learning? This will be a teachable moment.
The best negotiations always happen over a meal.
Write that down.
Come on! But we wanna learn about your filing system.
- Glenn? - Um - Glenn.
- Yeah, Glenn, let's stay in the office.
I love ice pops.
[Moans suggestively] Justine, what are you doing? Sex sells, Amy.
Mmm, I can't wait to put this in my mouth.
- [moaning] - [quietly] Okay, stop! Oh, sensitive teeth.
Oh, Glenn, where where are you going? Just out for a business lunch with my protégés.
We're gonna talk about a raise over a nacho tower at Red Robin with a bunch of my coworkers.
Yeah, let's go.
- [scoffs] - Give yourself that look.
Um, Glenn.
Glenn - Um, Glenn.
- Yeah? Glenn.
Whoa! Okay.
What? Uh, I am just, uh, stunned by how nice our parking lot is.
Well done.
Very well done.
It is.
It is a nice parking lot.
All: Oh! Oh oh oh oh! You're not supposed to cut through like that.
[sighs] Do you think Glenn was really mad? I mean, it's hard to tell with him.
He turns purple for so many reasons.
Hey, this might not be the best time, but I need to get reimbursed for the giant photo of the parking lot.
Kinda maxed out my mom's credit card.
Uh no.
But you said "hide the ice pops.
" I did exactly what you said.
So let me know if any of these feel right to you.
First up, me as a chef.
Whoa, somebody call 9/11! - You mean 9-1-1? - I did.
- You have to say "9-1-1.
" - Okay.
Come on, she obviously just made a mistake.
We don't take returns.
You know that.
Well, maybe you could just take half of them back, and then in future purchases Amy, I got this.
Come on, Donovan, like, we we know each other.
We've worked together for years.
[sighs] Like, I know that you tore your meniscus playing handball, remember? And you've got a bulldog named Velvet.
There's nothing I can do.
I also know about the waitress.
- The waitress? - Yeah.
On April 7th, you told me that your wife was going out of town for a month.
But then on April 21st, you told me that you'd "pounded a waitress, until her eyes rolled back in her head.
" I didn't wanna hear about it at the time, but now I'm glad I did.
[exhales] I'll take them back.
That is wonderful! See, I knew we could come to an understanding, Donovan.
Thanks for stopping by.
Go [bleep] yourself, Glenn.
Again, I'm sorry about the typo.
I didn't know it would get so dark.
I feel like everyone works Monday to Friday, so we should do Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday from 10:00 pm to 2:00 am.
Then we could do lots of business with Tokyo.
Hey, if you guys are serious about starting a business, would it be crazy if we teamed up? - Teamed up? - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I went to business school.
It was only a year, but you know, it's something.
And I have a lot of great ideas.
Hey, you know what? How 'bout this? The next day that we all have off, let's get together and just brainstorm some business ideas.
Maybe we could do some research I'm gonna cut you off right there.
You know we're not actually gonna start a business, right? You're not? No, I mean, we always tell ourselves that we're gonna do something, but I think in the back of our heads, we both know we're never actually gonna do it.
- Right? - God, no.
Ah oh, okay.
It's like when people talk about starting a band.
Oh, my God, we should start a band.
- Yes! - You in? I don't play any instruments.
Again, we're not actually gonna do this.
Oh, right yes.
So then, yeah, sure.
What should our name be? You know, I always thought a good name for a band would be the Hardtime Ramblers.
- All in favor - Ugh! Of voting Jonah out of the band? Glenn, I'm really sorry I messed up the order.
What is this? My recommendation for the program.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Glenn, thank you.
You know, I made a mistake or two coming up.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
- You? - Oh, yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
One time, I gave $100 bill in change when it was only supposed to be 35 cents.
And then another time, I forgot to put anybody on the schedule, and I had to work the whole day alone in the store.
And then, uh, and then one time I ate everybody's lunch by accident.
And, um oh, I accidentally ordered some adult toys 'cause I thought they were puzzles.