Superstore (2015) s04e16 Episode Script


1 So this year, none of the stores will have strolling Easter Bunnies, because last year they kept getting jumped by gangs of teenagers.
You all saw the YouTube videos.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughter] - So much anger.
- Hilarious.
Spring frozen yogurt flavors, check.
New daily email, check.
No bunny characters, check.
Glenn, you had an announcement.
Thank you, Amy.
Uh, I just wanted to remind you all that I'm acting my church's Passion play tonight.
It's just a little part, Villager Number Four.
I'm trying to do things that are kind of outside my comfort zone.
Like, last week I tried hummus, and, I'm sorry, I'm not a fan.
- Oh, do you think that I'm - Yeah, I'm sorry.
Or that hummus is Thank you for trying it.
Okay, anyway, I need to get a head count so I know who's coming.
All right oh, no, could you keep your hands up until I get you all? So Anyone? Cheyenne, you Oh, um, well, I have another Passion play, but I'll try to swing by.
Uh, same.
I mean, there's just you know, this time of year, there's so many.
I'm free tonight.
I was actually looking for something to do.
But that sounds truly awful, so no.
Okay, so no one.
All right, well I guess I could go.
Oh, well, only if you want to.
I mean, don't do it just for me, 'cause, you know, it is a big church.
I probably won't even know that you're there.
[overlapping chatter] - I can go after the other one.
- I'm good.
[upbeat music] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.
Easter is upon us.
So treat your kids to a Cloud 9 Easter basket, full of candy, toys and HDMI cables, because we had an overstock.
Happy Easter.
Behold, he is a-aroused? A raisin? Risen.
He is risen.
God, brain fart.
This is hard.
Acting is hard.
Blake Lively always says that.
- Well, he's right.
- [Phone rings] - It's a lot of pressure.
- Just relax.
- It's supposed to be fun.
- Yeah.
Speaking of the play.
Hello, Deacon.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Thank you for calling.
Bad news? Yeah, Scott Bankroft broke his leg.
And now I'm playing the role of Judas.
- Judas Iscariot! - Yeah, we know who Judas is.
Son of Cyborea and Simon Iscariot.
That I did not know.
No, Denise, I did not steal your "Roswell" DVDs, and even if I did, you have no appreciation for New Mexican culture.
What the hell? I'll call you back.
No, I won't.
Amy! Amy! Amy Sosa! I don't like yelling, Dina.
- Then come over here! - [sighs] I thought you said we weren't having - an Easter Bunny this year.
- We're not.
Well, then why is this guy walking Huh.
He must have gone into a different part of the store.
Hold on, I'll find him.
Wait, hold on.
We have cameras in the break room? Yeah, yeah, it's hidden in the smoke alarm in the corner.
Is that legal? Uh, it's in a gray area.
Wait, what is he what is he doing? Is that Is that supposed to be me? Do you want to hear what they're saying? You have audio? Is that legal? Do you want to hear what they're saying? Check.
Go on for too long, check.
Oh, bring in stale donuts, checkity-check.
[chuckles] Nailed it.
No, I have never said "checkity-check.
" She doesn't even realize she's making the check mark backwards.
No, it's the right way from my point of view, Carol.
I'm not an aerobics instructor.
Oh, honey, I don't think anyone thinks you're an aerobics instructor.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh, my God, this is a huge part.
This is too much pressure.
Well, at least they're letting you hold the script during the play, and you're really good at holding things.
Yeah, but I don't know how to play a villain.
I'm a nice guy.
Even so, I mean, there must be sometime in your life where you did something bad that you could tap into.
Once I was bringing Dippin' Dots home for me and Jerusha, and I told her that a homeless man had eaten hers, but really I ate both of them.
That's the worst thing you've ever done? [sighs] And I guess there was this other time when my friend Wesley in Sunday School told me that he was gay, and I promised that I wouldn't say anything, but as soon as he left the room, I ran and I told Deacon Jeremy, and then he had to spend the rest of the year in a special camp.
- Oh, dude, that's messed.
- Yeah, use that.
[Muzak playing] Excuse me.
Hey! Hey! Hey, Sandra, did you see a large Easter Bunny - walk past just now? - What did he look like? A man-sized rabbit, Sandra.
Two large ears, cottontail, capable of walking on his hind feet while using his front feet like hands.
Why do I need to describe this to you? No, I didn't, but did see a zucchini that looked a lot like a cucumber, and I thought, whoa, that could really mess up dinner.
How is that helpful to me? Look, we have to find this bunny.
Is it that big a deal what someone dressed up as an Easter Bunny on Easter? It could be a serial killer, Sandra.
Or a terrorist.
Or a spy.
So if you see him, call me on the walkie immediately.
Code Cottontail.
You got it.
What if I see another zucumber? That's what I call a zucchini that looks like a cucumber.
I'd like to meet your mother and shove you back up inside of her.
Hey, so I couldn't find the movie "Hop" to put on the TV in Electronics, so I just put in "Fatal Attraction," 'cause it has a bunny.
Okay, well, that's taken care of.
Don't always have to do that check thing.
It's kinda stupid.
What? No, I love it.
Do you? Yeah, you know, it's fun, it's cool, it's very you.
Okay, bye.
He coulda just been like, "Amy, those little air check things you do are stupid.
" But instead, he mocks me behind my back.
Are you allowed to videotape people without their knowledge? It's a gray area.
And then to my face he was all like, "I love it.
" Like totally lies.
And I just wanted to be like, "I heard you, you dick.
" Also, if that's not a functioning smoke alarm, - what happens if there's a fire? - Will you focus? It's just not really a big deal.
You're the boss now.
Of course people talk about you behind your back.
- Well - What? - Like what? - Hmm? Who talks about me? What do they say? Nothing.
It's an expression.
"Of course people talk about you behind your back" is an expression? It's just forget it.
It's nothing.
No, no, I'm not mad about it.
I'm curious, I think it would be good for me to know.
I could work on it.
I mean, eh, if I racked my brain, I guess maybe I heard once somebody say something like, uh, "I wish she would say thank you more," you know? - I say thank you all the time.
- I know.
I'm, like, always saying thank you, like, too much.
Yeah, that's what I said.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Who said it? Nobody.
Nobody? Somebody said it.
You know what, I misspoke.
Uh, what I meant to say is whenever you leave a room, we all just sit in respectful silence.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
If it makes you feel any better, they just make fun of me openly to my face.
30 pieces of silver.
It is done.
30 pieces of silver.
30 pieces of silver.
Okay, you know what, let's just forget the lines, okay? Forget the lines.
Who is Judas? He's the disciple that betrayed Jesus.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, everybody knows that.
But who is he? Let's do a little role play, okay? - You be Judas.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I'll be Judas's friend.
- Oh, uh, Peter.
Great, I'll be Peter.
You're Judas.
It's not Easter.
We're not talking Jesus.
- Yeah.
- We're just two dudes hanging out in Jerusalem cutting it up.
Okay, oh, um Oh, uh, hey, Peter.
Do you want to go down to the spice market in Bethlehem? Whoa, Judas, why is your penis hanging out? Wha no, it's not.
[whispered] You have to say yes and go along with it.
Oh, oh, uh, okay.
Uh, I just wanted you to see it.
Judas, we've talked about this, and I know Brad has pulled you aside and told you to stop.
It's not cool, it's not funny, and it's starting to make people uncomfortable.
Oh, okay.
- Well, then I'll put it away.
- Thank you.
Now, can I interest you in some figs or some dates? Judas, why is your penis out again? Well, I thought I put it away.
Well, obviously you didn't.
'Cause there it is right in my face.
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
Now get out of my hovel! Oh, okay.
I'll get on my donkey and ride.
That's not a donkey.
That's a rock.
But I said it was a donkey.
You're wrong.
It's a rock.
It's like 1980 called and they said, "Shoulder pad, party of two.
" Bad blazers, got it.
You have got to stop watching this.
You're gonna drive yourself crazy.
No, no, no, it's good.
I've actually learned quite a bit about myself, aside from the complete lack of fashion sense, I don't make enough eye contact, my voice can be shrill, my walking stride is too long, and when I talk, I move my hands more than an Italian.
This can't be legal.
It's a gray area.
You know "gray area" doesn't just mean totally fine, right? It's not like running a yellow light.
You would think that with everything going on in the world, there were more important things - to talk about than my - Wait, wait, shh, shh.
Actually, I think Jonah's shirt is pretty cool.
It's a big swing, but works for him.
It's just Garrett just never really compliments me.
It's nice.
Doesn't matter.
Nope, it doesn't matter.
Crazy thing is this isn't even one of my premium shirts.
Attention, Cloud 9 customers.
Please be on the lookout for a six-foot-tall Easter Bunny.
White fur, cottontail, plaid bowtie.
He's been spotted in the vicinity.
Ooh, did you hear that? The Easter Bunny's here.
- Let's meet him.
- No.
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
This bunny should be considered dangerous, possibly armed, likely a pedophile.
Also if anyone would like to offer their child as bait, please let me know.
I have a doll I use, but obviously there's no substitute for the real thing.
As of now, I don't know the bunny's preferences, so I'll take a blonde and a brunette.
No redheads, obviously.
They're gross.
[Muzak playing] This, uh This shirt comes in two colors.
Think I might have picked the wrong one, you know? What do you think? It's a little loud.
- Don't you think? - I don't know.
Maybe maybe I should just get rid of it.
Just give it away, 'cause it's like it's like, is this really a good shirt? What would you think about me just getting rid of this shirt? Do what you want.
Okay, okay.
So if I never wore this shirt again, that would be cool with you? I don't know what you're asking me.
I'm not asking anything.
I was just saying, I think I might get rid of this shirt.
It's just that we have to finish these baskets - or we can't go home.
- Yeah, yeah, great.
No, that's what I'm doing.
Great, yeah.
Let's let's finish these baskets.
Let's go, let's go.
Making sure I'm not in too deep You steal my sunshine Keeping versed and [deep-voiced] Hey, guys, how's it going over here? Good.
Are you sick? [deep-voiced] No, no, but thank you for asking.
The, uh, Easter decorations all look really great.
I particularly like the end cap over yonder.
Well, you all did a great job.
Cheyenne, thank you.
Mateo, thank you.
Sayid, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- No, no, no, thank you.
Thank you.
I think she [bleep] her pants.
Hello, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
[gruff voice] Hey, Jesus.
[imitating Nazi officer] Jesus of Nazareth.
Papers please.
I said, are you looking at me? 'Cause you oh.
Calm down, Glenn.
Calm down.
Where did you go You had the world inside your head But you did not seem to know Father of mine So she's all, "No, the nice girl" from the Bradley Cooper movie," and I'm like, "That is Lady Gaga.
" [chuckles] Your grandma's such a basic bitch.
Hey, have you guys noticed Amy's acting weird today? Totally.
What's with the voice? She's all, "Thank you, Mateo.
" I mean, it's totally working, but also super random.
What is she eating, cigars? I had the craziest customer come up to me this morning.
Also, what's with the weirdly intimate stares? Did I tell you about the time she high-fived me and interlocked fingers? I felt so violated.
Oh, but have you guys noticed how well she's been running things around here? Like, we all knew she was gonna be good at the job, but it's been crazy.
Why do you keep looking at the smoke alarm? I'm not.
She's not running things that well.
Oh, you know what I realized? We never had a moment of silence for the guy who created SpongeBob.
So do you want to do that now? Guys, he obviously doesn't want us talking about his girlfriend in front of him.
Since when? Last week he was saying how when she goes for a run, she looks like Frankenstein.
[laughter] What? No.
That wasn't me.
I don't even know who you're thinking of.
Yeah, you were all like, "Me Amy.
Me prep for 5K.
" That does not even sound like me.
"Running hard, water bad.
" "Me get shin splints.
Ohhh!" Can everybody just shut the [bleep] up so we can enjoy our break? Thank you.
Ugh, Amy's making me stay after to do back stock.
She's, like, super grumpy today.
She's a real grumplestiltskin.
Did I use that right? - Mm-hmm.
- You did, yeah.
What is up with her lately? She's so uptight.
Yeah, well, she's about to chill the F out.
I had some ecstasy left over from St.
Patrick's Day, so I put some in her coffee.
- Oh, no.
- What the hell? - She deserves it.
- Oh, good for you.
You drugged me? What the hell is wrong with you? Oh, my God, my heart is beating so fast.
Oh, how much did you give me? None, bitch.
You caught.
Great job on these baskets, man.
You really knocked that one out of the park.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah, yeah, sure, you know.
Just, you know, throwing out a compliment as one does.
So mm-hmm.
Cool shoes.
Yeah, they're Jordan 11 Retro Concords.
What? Those are so dope, son.
I love them.
Huh? What's I'm sorry, I missed - I missed that.
- I didn't say anything.
Oh, I thought you said something about me.
I did not.
Ah, okay, well Mm, you smell nice.
Is that, uh Is that like a new What is that? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Ah, I'm gonna find you, you stupid bunny.
- Hey, cutie.
- [gasps] Shh.
Carol might be around.
No, she's outside vaping.
I told you we could spend the day together without her knowing.
Well, be careful.
Dina's looking for you too.
She thinks you're some kind of sex bunny.
Well, maybe I am.
[chuckles] Let's go to the photo lab.
Would you mind putting the head back on? It's kind of a fantasy.
I can't believe you were spying on us.
That is so illegal.
No, actually it's not illegal.
Eh, it's a gray area.
So perfectly fine.
Are we sure this is the last one? I don't know.
Dina's the one who put them everywhere.
Yeah, Amy was just the one sitting watching us in the dark without our consent.
No, all the lights were on.
Maybe I should take down all the smoke detectors, you know, just to be safe.
Yes, that's definitely the safest thing to do.
What other private areas do you spy on us in? Are there cameras in the bathroom? Oh, my God, are you watching us masturbate at work? Uh no.
And you shouldn't be masturbating at work.
Then how do you know I'm doing it? I'm good, thanks.
I'm not the bad guy here.
You're the ones who have been sitting in here, talking about me behind my back.
If you have something to say, why don't you just say it to my face? Yeah, that goes for everyone.
If you have an opinion about someone, tell them, bad or good.
Who goes around saying good things about people behind their backs? That's a really good question.
Garrett, do you have any thoughts about that? No, not really.
We were talking about you because you're the boss.
Everyone complains about the boss.
Wait, did you guys used to say things about me when I was the boss? No.
It's just something we started doing recently.
Oh, okay.
So when we do need to masturbate, where are we supposed to go? I don't know, maybe hold it? - You can go to your car.
- Loading dock.
- Milk aisle.
- [clears throat] There's a nook in the Garden Center that's good.
Or hell.
Oh, where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Oh! Gotcha! Sandra, Code Cottontail.
I repeat, Code Cottontail.
- What was that? - The rabbit.
Turn around.
He's right there.
Uh I don't see him.
Are you serious? The large rabbit.
It's right there, you could reach out and touch him.
He's right there! The white guy! I'm sorry, I don't know what you see on the camera, but there's nothing here.
Ahh! Hey, Dina.
I was about to leave for Glenn's show and - Are you okay? - Huh? Oh, uh, I, uh I don't know.
I think I might be going crazy.
Do you think I could be going crazy? No.
I mean, I guess it's possible.
You have been working really hard lately.
Plus, you went through the trauma of losing all your birds.
You're seeing giant bunnies.
Yeah, actually, you might be going crazy.
I'm sorry.
See you at Glenn's show.
[Muzak playing] You mean well But you make things hard on me I'm not gonna write you a love So full HD is all you're really gonna need.
- You get into Ultra HD - Hey, man.
I know you like this shirt, and I think it's pretty messed up that you won't say nice things to my face.
It's not hard.
I think you're a good cook, and you have a pretty decent singing voice.
And I think it's sweet how you call your grandma every day.
There, see, was that so hard? It's fine, we're cool.
He's my best friend.
- Desperate.
- Desperate.
I feel so sorry for her.
Hey, gang.
Hi, Amy.
We were just talking about the weather.
Oh, great.
Look, um, you were all right.
I should not have been watching you, and that was weird, and I know everybody needs to vent about the boss and that it isn't anything personal, so please accept my apology.
Yeah, well, maybe we were being a little catty.
I mean, most of what we said was good.
You just didn't hear that part.
Mm-hmm, okay.
Well, let's just put it behind us, you know? Case open and shut.
So if anyone's heading over to Glenn's Passion play, I can drive.
I know how to get there.
- [phone buzzes] - I've been before.
[snorts] Oh.
What was that? What? Oh, just looked like you two were texting each other something funny.
Not each other.
I don't even have his number.
- Oh.
- My mom texted me a funny bitmoji.
It's her jumping out of a pumpkin.
- For Easter? - Mm-hmm.
That's how Filipinos celebrate Easter.
Oh, that does sound funny.
Can I see? Oh, I'd rather not.
Oh, I just I'm just curious about it.
It's embarrassing.
No, well, why are you being so weird about your phone? I'm not being weird.
You're being weird.
- Mateo, just let me see it.
- No, stop, it's private.
No! I told you to get a case.