Superstore (2015) s05e12 Episode Script


1 [mellow music.]
I can't believe Myrtle's gone.
Yeah, she was so sweet, and lived through so much.
Her e-mail address was from Yahoo.
When I first hired Myrtle to be my assistant, she used to leave loose hot dogs on my desk every day.
I think she thought I'd asked for that, but she just really cared.
She did.
And she was really getting a lot less racist towards the end.
All: Yeah.
She still called me Moana sometimes, but at least she saw the movie.
Representation matters.
All right, Glenn, I got it all cued up.
Oh, good.
We still have the projection from Myrtle's virtual greeter, so I thought it'd be nice to see her again.
Oh, like when Tupac played Coachella.
Welcome to Cloud 9.
All: Aww.
Check out our great deals on batteries.
Check out our great deals on sporting goods.
Check out our great deals on paper products.
How many of these do we have to watch so we're not bad people? - I'm gonna say ten.
- Avocados.
[upbeat music.]
Feels kind of weird just going back to work, huh? Yeah.
Should we just call it? No, we can just think about Myrtle while we work.
Great, now I gotta do two things.
Hey, guys, Myrtle's nephew just came in and dropped off this envelope they found in her stuff, and it's addressed to "Sweet Prince Jonah" from Cloud 9.
And she meant me? I mean, I played a prince in "Into the Woods" in high school, but there's no way she could've I don't know why this There's 1,000 bucks in it.
I already opened it.
- Oh, my God.
- What? For Jonah? Were you guys even close? She never mentioned that when I made her tea every morning, or when I took her to her doctor's appointments.
I mean, I was nice to her, but, you know, like a regular amount of nice.
And she fell right into your trap.
There was no trap.
It's the way of the world.
The rich get richer.
Who's rich? How many cruises did you go on as a kid? That's not the point.
Sure, I grew up comfortable, but now I have tons student loan and credit card debts.
Look, guys, I have no idea why she gave me the money, and I'm just saying I'm not the spoiled wealthy guy you all see me as.
I mean, you did start working in retail on a whim.
Can you back me up here, please? Why? You're doing great.
Tell me who to be Who died And made you king of anything? Hey, Dina.
Are you mad at something far way? Just thinking about Myrtle.
I always meant to tell her how much I admired her work ethic.
I mean, she didn't know what she was doing, but, man, could she randomly move things around.
I miss her, too.
We used to go to the same water aerobics class at the gym.
I don't want to picture your hair wet.
- We wear swim caps.
- Sandra, please.
It's just, when someone dies, it brings up a whole lot of regrets, you know? Makes you think about all the things you wish you could've done differently.
It's really been making me think about my dad.
Yeah, maybe you should reconnect before it's too late.
Oh, God, no.
I want him to feel this kind of regret.
I wanna cause him the pain that he caused me.
I started smiling before I heard what you said.
Hey, Glenn, how you holding up? [sighs.]
Not great.
I found a snail in my car this morning, and I didn't even name him.
I didn't have it in me.
Yeah, that's that's rough.
Hey, you know, I was watching the weather this morning, and it was so crazy.
The guy was talking about a cold front off the coast of Myrtle Beach.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, he said Myrtle, like, five times, you know? Who knows? Maybe maybe it's a sign, you know, that she's, um she'll always be here with us.
Or maybe she's trying to communicate with us.
Yeah, or that was just the whole message.
- What's - Jonah.
- Ketchup packets.
- Uh Myrtle loved to eat ketchup packets.
Is love the right word for what that was? This could be a sign.
- [sighs.]
- I don't think My eyes are open, Myrtle! This lipstick is stay all day, all organic, and only $13.
Cash only.
Just put the money on the counter, and then I'll shake your hand with the lipstick in my palm.
Um, I really just popped in for chunk salmon and water.
You're selling bootleg makeup.
Corona turned me on to her little side hustle selling this makeup, and she's been making bank.
She keeps Instagramming herself rolling around in money.
Money is filthy.
Yeah, she got a staph infection from it, but she can afford mad antibiotics now.
Lucy May? [Scoffs.]
Cheyenne, I've heard about this.
This is a pyramid scheme.
No, no, no, it's called multi-level marketing.
The different levels get smaller and smaller as you go up.
It's kind of shaped like a triangle.
Trust me.
It's a scam.
It'll just make your money problems worse.
But it's so easy.
I just recruit people, and then I get a cut.
- It's like I'm a makeup pimp.
- [hums.]
Oh, Garrett, do you want to try some hand lotion? Nah, not really a hand lotion guy.
Yeah, obviously.
Okay, well, if you're gonna be rude, come on.
Oh, all right.
Now just watch the money roll in.
I can't be the guy that keeps this money, right? I don't even know why I have it.
'Cause you're the sweet prince.
I'm just gonna give it back to the family.
Then they'll have the money and everyone here will know that I'm just like a regular man of the people.
The people would never turn down $1,000.
Everybody here would keep that money.
Some would try to steal more of it.
Okay, well, then what if I gave it to you? I mean, I'm living in your house.
It's the least I can do.
Yeah, you know, I haven't wanted to say anything, but you do owe me, like, 19 grand, but I'd prefer you pay me back in sex.
Mm, that's a lot of sex.
Okay, well, how about we just share it, then? We could spend it on something nice like a trip.
Ooh, I have always wanted to go to Florida.
Like the Florida from the news? Well, if you ignore all the people, it's basically Hawaii.
So I was able to get my dad's phone number from his Facebook.
Luckily, old people still trust the internet.
- Cool.
- And I'm here for support.
You're gonna call him.
Look, my dad scum of the earth, human equivalent of a Band-Aid in a salad left me 23 years ago.
He deserves to suffer.
So you're gonna call him and tell him you're my friend Sandra Johnson from work.
Sandra Johnson? Kaluiokalani sounds made-up.
Anyway, just tell him I'm dead.
- [line trilling.]
- What? Hello? Uh, this is Sandra Johnson.
I work with your daughter Dina at Cloud 9, and I just wanted to tell you that Dina passed away.
What? Yeah, I'm sorry.
She's dead.
Oh, God.
Actually, she's not dead.
- What? - Nope.
She's dying.
Fully dead.
The doctor said she stabilized and she might pull through.
But I think they were just trying to be nice.
They seemed like liars.
I'm sorry, what are you Damn it, Sandra.
If you can't even convince my dad I'm dead, what the hell can you do? Hi, Sandra? Sandra Johnson? Yes? Yeah, we talked earlier on the phone.
I'm Dina's dad, Howard.
I I called the number back and they gave me the store address.
The app said it was a 47-minute drive.
- I made it in 40 flat.
- Congrats.
Our conversation left me with more than a few questions.
I mean, she's dead? She's dying Sir, the truth is, Dina's fine.
She wanted me to fake her death to make you feel bad.
Well, I guess, uh, can't say I don't deserve it.
I'm no golden jackal when it comes to parenting.
They're incredible fathers.
Is Dina in the store? Yes, but small heads-up.
She's very angry.
If she goes for a choke hold, it's best to just pretend you've passed out, okay? Dad? Now that everything's out in the open, my name isn't actually Sandra Johnson.
It's Sandra Kaluiokalani.
Yeah, sure it is.
"Florida man cuts nose off with samurai sword.
" We're going to the other coast.
Jonah, look.
I was just in softlines, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, boom.
This bottle of Mr.
Clean appeared.
Myrtle always said that Mr.
Clean was her celebrity crush.
She called him, "My big white genie.
" Oh, yeah.
That sounds familiar, I think.
Look, I know she means well leaving all these signs to let me know she's still around, but it just makes me miss her more.
You shouldn't outlive your employees.
It's not right.
It's not natural.
You know what, Glenn? You should take the money.
- What? - Really? Yeah, you were so close with Myrtle and you deserve it.
She wrote my name on the envelope, but who knows who she could've meant, you know? Could've been you.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
You know, I think you giving me this money is another sign from Myrtle.
Or maybe it's just a nice thing that I'm doing but enjoy.
It's yours.
The colors are packaged so you know they go together.
It takes out all the think work.
I could use a little less think work.
I'll take one.
- Thank you, baby.
- Mm-hmm.
Wait, you made all that money today? Uh-huh, and this may push me to Lucy May diamond level.
Once you hit diamond, they send you a sweet hoodie.
Well, it's a hoodie.
Hey, Cheyenne, that stuff you gave me, the lotion or whatever? Isn't it the best? And it makes your hands smell like you just washed them with Hawaiian Punch.
You know, I could just, like, buy a bottle if it'll help you out.
- Really, Garrett? - You're buying Lucy May? Yeah, to help Cheyenne.
Plus, feel my hands.
They're soft like puppy fur.
I've never touched you before.
It's weird.
It's been a while since I've been in a store like this.
I just get everything from Jed.
He's my neighbor and a hoarder.
- Convenient.
- Yeah.
Look, for what it's worth, when I left you that day, I was a different man than I am now.
I was young and stupid, and I had this dream of selling belt buckle knives.
And I made that dream come true.
Wait, that was in there this whole time? Wow.
Fast as lightning, but sharper.
But I can't forgive myself for leaving you for it.
I watched this belt buckle go from prototype to market ready, but I didn't see you go from pre-teen to tall lady, and, uh, well, that's not okay.
Well, I think it's water under the bridge.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, I think I should show you around 'cause this store is kind of like my own personal belt buckle knife, though not nearly as surprising or cool.
Look, I know why you did it.
It's just that we talked about maybe sharing the money.
No, you're right.
You're right.
I just hope that you don't go around giving away chunks of our money for the rest of our lives.
- Rest of our lives, huh? - What? No, I meant, like, for the rest of, like, however long this is.
No, I get it.
Yeah, however long this is, which if you have your way, - will be 1 million years.
- Oh, shut up.
Jonah, Amy, I just got off the phone with Pastor Craig, and we've decided what I'm gonna do with Myrtle's money.
Oh, you and Pastor Craig decided? Yeah, he said that all the signs that Myrtle has been leaving me means that she hasn't ascended into heaven yet.
But luckily for us, Pastor Craig can get her in.
Wow, that is lucky.
Yeah, it turns out that the amount of money that Myrtle left is the exact same amount that she needs to get into heaven.
I mean, tell me that's not a miracle.
[mellow music.]
What a waste of money.
We would spend it so much better.
I still love the idea of a vacation.
Wow, you're really stuck on this vacation thing.
If there's something you're planning on asking me I hate this.
Please stop! You can do it right here in town.
[door slams.]
Just once Can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong? Why the good times Nev Dina, have you seen Glenn? Not for a while.
I've been lucky.
- Thanks.
- [gasps.]
The staff bathroom's cool, right, Dad? I use it all the time.
No big deal.
Oh, Dad, this is my boss, Amy.
Show her your belt buckle.
- Oh, my God.
- This is oh, Jesus.
Fast as lightning, but sharper.
[both laugh.]
Amy, why don't you tell my dad about how I'm doing as assistant manager? Um oh, yeah, she is great.
She's hard-working and dedicated and, um, uh, very very serious about security.
She tackled a guy.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, I think broke his nose or His jaw.
Yeah, it's all part of the job.
I mean, you can be super proud if you want, but that's your call.
Thanks, Amy.
Okay, I want in.
You're obviously making a lot of money, and you know I can make you even more.
Plus, I'm dating the manager's brother, so I'm basically the first lady of the store.
Wouldn't Jonah be the first lady of the store Okay, it doesn't matter.
The vision center sucks, and I need money.
I'm running out of options, so please put me on the team.
Okay, you're in.
I'll get you some product to get you started.
Yes! Chateo back in business.
- What? - Chateo.
It's the business that we were gonna start.
Oh, I don't remember a lot of things we talk about.
Hey, buddy.
Oh, hey, Amy.
Is it okay if I step out to do a wire transfer? Pastor Craig's on Lake Como time.
Uh-huh, maybe.
Look, Glenn, I was thinking.
When was the last time that you got Jerusha something really nice? Oh, I bought her a bone-in parma ham last Monday.
As far as she's concerned, that's as good as it gets.
Uh, because we just thought it's kind of a lot of money to be giving to Pastor Craig.
I thought so too at first, but then Pastor Craig told me about all the extras.
- Extras? - Yeah.
Like for $600, Myrtle can get into heaven, but it's, you know, regular heaven, economy class.
But for the thousand, she can get into first-class heaven.
I mean, I bet that's where the saints hang out.
Okay, Glenn, we're not saying that - it's just that - You can't have the money.
What? Dad, this is Garrett.
Dad? Oh, wow, okay.
Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Garrett killed all my birds.
- Oh, well - Then he had sex with me.
- Okay.
- Wow.
Busy guy.
Smell like Hawaiian Punch here? - [both sniffing.]
- Oh, yeah.
- What is that? - [Mumbles.]
We heard about you two about how you don't want Myrtle to have a good afterlife.
What? No.
We want her to have the best afterlife.
Oh, I see.
So you want Myrtle to get into heaven.
You just don't want to pay for it.
It's how rich guys stay rich.
They just hold on to their money.
- No helping nice old ladies get to heaven.
- Mm-hmm.
No taking their best friend out for sushi on his birthday, even when I made the reservation.
You can't assume someone's taking you out to dinner.
Yeah, well, I learned that one the hard way.
Look, buying your way into heaven, that's that's just not how it works, and what is that fruity smell? I smell it, too.
Definitely coming from this area.
We're getting off track here.
Stop complaining about some random good smell.
Okay, do you honestly think that paying to get Myrtle into heaven is the best use of this money? - Yeah.
- If that's what Myrtle wants.
Okay, well, if that's how everybody feels, why don't we all chip in? - You know what? - Great idea, Amy.
I'll start.
Here's 5 bucks, Kay? I'm onto you.
Hey, I'd love to chip in, but I'm still paying off that sushi dinner I had to buy myself.
Okay, all right, Marcus is a pass.
- Justine? - I've just got big bills on me.
- Oh, come on, everybody.
- This is a good cause.
Yeah, well, so far, we only have wait, where's my five? Who took my five? I don't care what you say.
I'm giving this money to Pastor Craig.
- You should.
- Good for you, Glenn.
- I'm sorry.
- Now I'm smelling the fruit.
Is it coming from over there? - This is a joke.
- We all know who it is.
What we don't know is why.
- Watch this, Dad.
- Right in the pocket.
- That's my girl.
- [forklift beeping.]
Wow! Sure know how to lift that fork.
- Take after your old man.
- You want to try it? I won't tell the assistant manager.
I hear she can be a bit of a hard-ass.
You know something, Dina? I am really proud of the woman you've become.
Thanks, Dad.
Yeah, I mean, seeing you today, I'm starting to think maybe it was a good thing that I left.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be the strong woman you are today.
I hadn't thought about it that way.
All right, let me try this, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah! - [Engine turns over.]
Hey, Dina, your dad's looking for you.
Uh, so what should I tell him? I don't know.
I can't hang out with my dad all day.
I mean, I have a job.
I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from because I feel like it, you know? I still have to go through all the security footage form this morning, so Oh, come on.
Damn it.
I'll I'll tell him you're on a call.
[keyboard banging.]
Don't worry.
I'm in heaven now.
Don't worry.
I'm in heaven now.
Guys, what is this? It just started doing that a little while ago, and hasn't stopped.
Did I hear her say, "I'm in heaven"? Yeah.
Wow, Glenn.
You were totally right about this signs thing.
I mean [laughs.]
What a relief.
Guys, I'm not the chicken that forgot his hat, okay? - I know you faked this.
- What are you talking about? I mean, come on.
The editing is so choppy.
Okay, my bad.
In the future, I'll be better at faking miracles.
Still, it's true.
A nice lady like Myrtle I mean, there's no way she's not getting into heaven, right? - Definitely.
- Yes, exactly.
I mean, it only makes sense.
But I'm still gonna give the money to Pastor Craig just to be safe.
Hey, you're still here.
That's a change of pace for you.
That's a fair joke.
So I was thinking maybe we could have dinner tonight? Celebrate our reunion.
You like meatball subs, right? I'm a vegan now, but don't beat yourself up.
It's impossible to know stuff you weren't around for.
So we have some catching up to do.
No, Dad.
It's too late.
You missed everything.
When I was 13, I broke my arm so bad, they gave me my own booth at the county fair.
I attended multiple father-daughter dances alone, and when I was 16, everyone made fun of me 'cause my dad didn't buy me my first gun.
Our neighbor Mr.
Gianetti did.
Terry Gianetti was a stand up guy.
I had to navigate all of that without you.
And that may be why I am so strong, but I am not gonna let you take credit for that, okay? So I think you should leave.
Oh, come on, Dina.
I mean, I can't take back what I did.
But I'm here now.
What more do you want me to do? Do what I did.
Figure it out.
I was on fire.
God, it felt so good to be out there hustling.
Oh, and we sell a sunscreen with glitter in it.
Corona cashes in at music festivals.
Two words.
Gay pride.
Well, pride will be here before you know it, so let's stock you back up.
- That's a lot of boxes.
- Yeah.
I had to borrow my step-dad's van to fit the rest.
The rest? Yeah, so half of this is yours now, and once we sell all this, I'll break even and start making bank.
Wait, so all that cash is not profit? Cheyenne, it's gonna be ten years before we make money off this.
What? Ten years? What am I supposed to do with money in my 30's? You know it's funny we're putting Myrtle's picture up there.
You know that in 33 years of working here Myrtle was never once Employee of the Month.
But when Heaven picks an Angel of the Month, I know who's picture they're gonna hang.
Do you think they'll use that picture, or would it be her as like a baby? Or like her in a Halloween costume.
Any way uh, she will be missed.
- To Myrtle.
- All: To Myrtle.
[all groan and gag.]
- What is this? - This is Myrtle's favorite drink.
Called "The Rusty Spaniard".
I didn't realize we had .
[all talking together.]
Well, it was really nice to have that money.
Even for a short while.
I mean don't worry.
I don't need like a fancy ring.
I want you out of the house by tomorrow.

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