SurrealEstate (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

For Sale by Owner

Previously on SurrealEstate
Your house? I've been
watching it for a while.
Before your grandfather
bought the place,
she came next door to
complain about the weeds.
Nobody ever saw that lady again.
Your mother?
I'd like to give you
the kind of orientation
that any new associate deserves.
There are things that
you'll come up against here
that may be new.
Our track record
with new employee
retention has been, um
Megan Donovan.
You're kind of into her.
She's in a relationship
and she's a client.
Neat little piles.
This is exactly
what we're looking for
- Oh, what a view!
- I know.
It's my favourite view in the world.
My great-grandparents owned the land
for a few years before
they could afford to build.
But they still came up every
summer and pitched a tent.
Some nights, when the sun sets,
it looks like the lake is on fire.
Takes your breath away.
How lovely.
If you listen closely,
you can still hear Grammy
gasping for air.
It took her breath away.
Forever. She croaked.
Who wants to see the kitchen?
It's nothing fancy, but it works.
Why all the knives?
My family loves a sharp knife.
Long story.
Let's go see the deck!
This is magnificent
Yeah, it's a thing with my family.
We spread the ashes
in the lake every time
someone buys it at the cottage.
How many people have died here?
I had a cousin who dove off the dock
and broke his spine.
My Uncle Roger threw out his back
trying to kick the cat
and took too much oxycodone.
Oh. Oh, no.
Oh, no!
- Oh, my god!
- Are you okay?
The house!
The house hates you.
Run! Now!
So she failed to sell the place.
Just the latest in a
long line of failures
for my big sister, Harper.
You co-own the cottage?
Yeah, we inherited it from our parents.
See, I do the finances
and she just lives there.
I mean, we call her the
"caretaker" but, honestly,
she's got nowhere else to go.
- You never rent it out?
- Never have.
Harper insisted she
could sell it herself
without an agent.
Well, you could remove your
own appendix, too, but ouch.
Anyhow, it's, uh,
been six months
and we've had a ton of
showings and zero offers.
Why do you think it hasn't sold?
Old place. Middle of nowhere.
Apparently, some odd stuff happens.
What kind of odd stuff?
Look, man, I mean
isn't this kind of what you do?
I mean, drive up there,
talk to Harper.
Get to it. Chop-chop.
My research associate is on the case.
We'll get back to you.
What a tool.
I need signatures.
I'm jumping on a new
listing. I need you to cover
one of our regulars, William Larson.
As in the author?
He is the author.
William Larson?
The master of modern horror?
Don't get starstruck.
Larson is kind of a
- challenge.
- Dick?
Every time he starts writing a
new novel, he buys a new house.
So, he's a frequent flyer.
He's a sure-fire closing.
Can you squeeze him in?
Maybe Zooey will bring you up to speed.
Hey. I worked up a fact sheet
for you on the North cottage.
That place has racked up a body count.
Can you email it to me?
I got an errand to run.
So, do you want me to upload
some of Larson's previous homes
for comps?
Sure. I have some
properties in mind already.
Just so you know, Larson's
not like our other clients.
- He's very
- I've worked with celebrities before.
Trust me. This is what I do.
Trust me. This is what I do.
Hey, you.
Sorry to bother you. Uh
I was just, um
Ah, nothing. Hm.
I was just, uh
I'll have August come
by for a follow-up.
Make sure that portal gate
in the basement is holding.
You can't just check it yourself?
Like, now, maybe?
Uh, actually I have to head
up north for a few days.
But August, he'll take care of it.
Well, I better be going.
Brock moved out.
We're done.
Oh, okay. Ah, sorry to hear.
Not so sorry, but I am surprised.
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
So, I'll, uh, I'll see you around maybe?
I'm your residential
real estate specialist.
You'd be the real estate guy.
Uh, Luke Roman.
Told Callum we didn't need you. But no.
He prefers to flush thousands
of dollars down the toilet.
He's such a tool.
He spoke so well of you.
Nobody is flushing any money away.
In fact, I think your price is too low.
Yeah. It gives the buyer the impression
that there's something
secretly wrong with the place.
Is there something secretly
wrong with the place?
You tell me.
Come on, before it gets dark.
You don't want to be here after dark.
- It's beautiful.
- Oh, yeah.
Beautiful, right?
Except at night when it's pitch black
and anything can and anyone can
Shiplap ceiling is original.
Kitchen is not fancy.
But functional.
Might want to lose a
few of these knives.
Unless you're planning on
selling it to the Borgias.
Let's go out on the deck.
Oh, I love this!
Do you mind if I ?
That's special.
Grampa made it for Grammy when
That would be your
grandmother, Samantha North.
She died here, right?
Grammy Sam, yeah.
And if you listen closely,
you can still hear her
gasping for
Sounds like a bunch of people
caught their shuttle to glory here.
Aunts, uncles, cousins.
And their mortal remains
are scattered on the lake, forever
Is that like a family tradition thing?
Like some families open their
presents on Christmas Eve?
That I find creepy. I love the deck.
Your brother mentioned you had
some odd stuff happening here.
Loud bangs in the middle of the night;
the screams of tormented souls
Uh-uh-huh, uh-huh
- Oof. That is scary.
- Yeah.
How'd you hurt your arm?
A whipping wind
came at me from hell itself.
a strange force
pushed me down the stairs!
Sweet god, no!
It's happening again!
The wind from hell.
Or maybe
The Dyson Cool Tower up there.
You have a remote in your pocket.
Either that or you touched
your butt for another reason
that's absolutely none of my business.
You're good. Okay?
A beginner would have just
made some spooky noises
or rigged a door to open by itself.
But the puff of cold air?
That was a nice touch.
Following it up with the
physical hurl down the stairs?
Now, that is commitment to the craft.
My friend respect.
Who the hell are you?
I'm just the guy who's
going to sell your cottage.
I came to see if it was
supernaturally compromised.
But I think the only
compromising factor
is you.
You're some kind of ghost hunter?
I'm a real estate guy.
You hungry? I'm hungry.
The houses that you sent to me
they are all wrong!
A complete waste of my time!
Where is Luke?
Uh, unfortunately,
Luke is unavailable right now.
So, I-if you could give me a
little hint of-of what your
I have a story
that needs to flow out of me.
And that cannot happen
unless the environment I am in
lets that flow
remain uninterrupted.
Are you going to blow my flow?
Then tomorrow
you had better show
me the most messed-up,
walls bleeding, chain rattling,
haunted houses in twelve states,
or I will be taking my business
So, just for clarity,
you want a house that's
Haunted! Yes.
Metaphysically engaged!
Demonically possessed!
I want a house
that's gonna make Amityville
look like the house on Pooh Corner.
I want a house
where every night is
going to be Halloween
and where every day is going to be
Dias de los Muertos.
You comprende?
Huh, we'll see.
So, how did it go?
What a strange person.
You're welcome.
This file says Larson.
There's a Larson file?
Once William gets
settled in a new place,
Luke starts a new file.
Abandoned places,
clients who won't listen, odds and ends.
There are no details. Only addresses.
This would have been
great information to have.
You were so confident.
You said, "Trust me."
Next time,
consider trusting me.
Luke wanted me
to do a check-in at the
Donovan house tomorrow.
Portal's been closed for weeks.
Something going on?
I was hoping you could tell me.
Is it just me,
or is Luke taking an unusual
interest in this property?
Searchers after horror
haunt strange, far places.
H. P. Lovecraft.
So, it's not just me.
No. He's clearly hot for the homeowner.
Great. Thanks.
It's not like I never
left. I went to college.
What'd you study?
Biodiversity conservation.
Worked as a parks warden at
Dogwood for three summers.
And then they offered
me a supervisor position.
But, ah
sometimes I regret not taking it.
Why didn't you?
That was the year Callum and I
took ownership of the cottage.
After your dad passed?
Somebody had to keep up the place and
it was supposed to be temporary,
but I haven't left since.
I know I'm in the right place;
place I belong.
This is nice. It's been a while
since I had someone to talk to.
So, what happens now?
I put the word out. We show. We sell.
And you move on.
So, meanwhile, tonight
I'll get you some clean linens
for the guest room.
I have to make a few calls.
Going to take a look around.
You'll leave the door unlocked?
Sure. It's a very safe neighborhood.
I'm going to bed. The door's unlocked.
Okay. Thanks. Good night.
Forget something?
Harper, if this is a fake-out,
you've outdone yourself.
Wait, don't go.
Mind if I, uh ?
I remember when these
chairs were filled. Mm-hm.
My folks, my grandparents,
cousins and aunts, uncles.
Speaking of relatives, um
you haven't seen any of
them around lately, have you?
My dead relatives?
Just dotting the I's and whatnot.
So, uh, family meals.
Was kind of a big deal?
Grammy Sam had a rule:
no arguing while eating.
But we fought like feral
cats the rest of the time.
Did your parents fight?
Hardly ever.
Anyway, I have some good news;
a lot of interested buyers.
Do you mind if I put
out one of our signs?
Mm. Good luck.
Mine keep blowing over
and end up out in the lake.
Hey, if real estate was easy,
anybody could do it.
So, uh, can I borrow your shovel?
It's in the shed. I'll go grab it.
Hello? Testing, testing. One, two, three.
This thing on?
Should I grab a pork chop now?
Uh, it's just interference.
Probably from your Wi-Fi router.
Uh, welder did a fine job.
Did you, uh,
find the spectral raccoons?
Hi. Uh, one of the neighbors
reported a glowing raccoon
in his recycling bin.
On further reflection,
the neighbor admitted that
it might have been some
particularly good weed.
Or particularly bad weed.
Anyway, weed.
- How's everything here?
- Satisfactory.
Yeah, I told Luke everything is fine.
Well, he likes to be thorough.
He seems to have a special interest
in this house, don't you think?
I mean, I guess it's only natural,
seeing how his mother
used to live next door.
Luke's mother?
And this was the last place
that they saw her alive.
And you have no idea
what I'm talking about.
Stop, now, stop.
Now this is what I'm talking
about! Dark and foreboding.
Grand dramatic staircase.
The heads of dead animals
This place is trying way too hard!
What's next?
We call this the Red House!
The colour of warning
and danger; of seduction!
And lobsters.
- And sexuality!
- And communists.
And sin!
And next!
Come on!
This house is literally oozing!
With possibilities!
I don't know, Sharon.
We don't seem to be clicking, do we?
Perhaps it's time for some
fresh blood, so to speak.
Ah, wait, I just have one
more house to show you!
All right. Tomorrow morning. One more.
And then we are done!
The house is ours! Ours!
Not for sale!
You know, a lot of sellers
have second thoughts.
Perfectly natural.
Listen to what you're saying.
"We." "Us." Plural.
I'm all for picking your pronouns,
but it feels as if someone is using you
as their Bluetooth speaker.
We are The Norths!
You are Harper North.
You live in this cottage,
but you are not this cottage!
How did ?
this might be the
closed head injury talking here,
but I am pretty sure this has
something to do with the ashes
of your dead relatives.
They are controlling you somehow
Tying you to the property.
I can help you.
Just cut me out of these.
Rethinking that whole "cut
me out of these" thing.
We are
the Norths!
Hey. Hey, can you help me?
It's for Harper. You love Harper.
Let her out ♪
Move them on ♪
Oh, then watch her fly ♪
Sdrawkab ti yalp
Sdrawkab tid niw! ♪
'Kay, wait a minute?
Let her out?
Like, get Harper physically out of here?
She leaves the property
and that breaks the hold?
Let her out
Move them on ♪
Then watch her fly ♪
Sdrawkab ti yalp
Sdrawkab tid niw! ♪
Can you not hear me talking?
Is the song the only way?
Phil, I'm sending you a sound file.
It's a song in a
language I can't identify.
See if you can find out
what it says and call me.
Oh, and I kinda need it right now.
You came back.
Could I leave a message for Harper?
Can you tell her
that her dead relatives
want to keep her here?
I don't know why,
but it's no life.
Not for someone as terrific
as Harper.
Just think of the amazing
things that she could do
that you could do
if you leave.
You could go back to Dogwood,
wherever you want.
Let's do this.
Or undo this.
Right now.
Come on.
This is your grand plan?
Drive away really fast?
It's not going to work. I can't leave.
Yes you can! You have to have faith.
What other languages does
your grandmother speak?
What? None that I know of.
Nothing from the old country?
What old country? She's from Nebraska!
Didn't you hear me? I
literally can't leave!
Talk to me, Phil.
- You okay?
- I've been better.
What about the song?
Our database has over 6,000 languages.
This doesn't match any of them.
Are you sure?
There are phonetic similarities
to the Finno-Ugric language family,
but the morphology is all wrong.
Yeah, we're sure. Hey
did you try playing
the thing backward?
Move them on, oh,
then, then watch her fly ♪
Sdrawkab ti yalp
Sdrawkab tid niw. ♪
Move them on, oh,
then, then watch her fly ♪
Sdrawkab ti yalp
Sdrawkab tid niw. ♪
Wind it backwards
Play it backwards ♪
This is your best shot
at keeping my business?
Brady Bunch house?
Yeah. Mm-hm. That's it.
Give me the key.
I'll take a quick look around
and then we are done.
Okay, I know it seems
banal and innocuous
Oh, I'll take it!
I want it.
I need it.
Make the deal!
Whatever it costs.
Okay. Super!
Oh, my.
What happened in there?
You look like you've seen a
Would you happen to have a Xanax?
You picked the right agent.
Guess who just closed
a sale with America's
master of modern horror and the agency's
biggest pain in the ass?
This girl!
Uh, you better point one of those at me.
Anyway, is Luke here?
I want to tell him.
He's not. Which is perfect,
seeing how we are spelunking
the dark crevices of his personal life.
I don't spelunk.
So, what'd I miss?
It seems Luke has a history
with the Donovan place.
A family thing.
We just thought that he was
crushing on the Donovan lady.
Both could be true.
I'll take that. Thank you.
I owe you an apology.
I was dismissive and condescending.
It is a flaw in my character
and I am working on it.
Honestly, I just thought
you were the office manager.
I contain multitudes.
I'll be fine.
I'll just stay if it
keeps peace in the family.
They are dead.
You're alive.
We may be dead but,
goddamit, we're family!
It's his fault!
She was ours until he came along.
Don't be foolish. She's still ours.
Aren't you, dear?
She damn well better be!
Stop it. No fighting at dinner.
She's the only one
left. The next true North.
Callum is such a tool.
You have a duty to the family!
She has a duty to herself.
Stay out of this!
The music box!
Leave my family alone!
Play it backwards.
Wind it backwards!
Harper, darling.
Grammy Sam!
I'm sorry. I
I tried to leave
and I tried to sell the cottage.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm the one who's sorry.
When your grandfather died,
this cottage
and the music box it inspired, well,
they became an obsession.
I lived in the past.
But one can't turn back time.
And so, with that lovely melody
playing in my head
I said goodbye to this world.
And it was only in the next
that I learned the awful truth
of what I'd done.
That none of us who love this place,
or slept in its water, could move on
until that melody was turned back.
Turned back.
I had no idea that
my final act of despair would
keep you all trapped here.
But now,
we're all free.
We can move on.
And so must you.
after all these years,
someone could hear my song.
Don't go.
I must.
And so must you.
You can be anything.
Do anything.
But you have to move on.
Where are we going?
The train station.
You sure?
Seven-and-a-half-hour train ride
to Dogwood State Park.
And from there
Who knows?
Who knows?
Let's try this again, shall we?
You are going to love the outside world.
I hope so.
Plus, interest rates
are at an all-time low.
The spreadsheet is perfect.
It's just what we need.
Of course it is.
I mean "thank you". Ha.
Don't even ask.
That should be our company slogan.
On the drive back I set up
four individual showings.
Can you get them on the books?
That's for the North
family cottage, right?
Let's just say "the cottage".
You okay?
How'd it go with Larson?
Had to crack open your
emergency envelope.
- And?
- He loved it!
Master of modern horror.
That Brady Bunch house
looked completely harmless.
He spent a few seconds in
there and came out looking like
a vegan at Sizzler. What was ?
That was my house. I grew up there.
I had a lot of unusual friends.
They couldn't all come
with me to college.
I look forward to reading about them
in broad daylight. With the light on.
I think that would be for the best.
if you ever wanted to talk about
family and feelings and stuff, you know,
not work-related,
I would be up for that.
Thank you.
Life is short.
And sometimes you gotta
step up and close escrow
before you get beat
out by a better offer.
Megan Donovan.
If you like her, you should make a move.
She's a client.
Neat little piles. Personal, business.
That's a TED Talk, Luke.
It's not a life.
Are we celebrating?
Did you get an offer on the house?
Uh, no.
This isn't exactly a professional visit.
It's, uh
the other kind.
Let me get some ice.
Meet me up in the library, okay?
I never thought you'd come back.
I saw you in the window.
I knew it was you the second that
Oh, the stories we tell ourselves.
You probably had some demented fantasy
that I'd come back.
That I'd make you breakfast and
help you with your homework and
hold your forehead
while you had the flu.
My only fantasy was that
I'd never see you again.
Do you know how happy I was
when I found out that I was pregnant?
Your father and I had been
trying for a while and,
finally, it seemed like all
my dreams were coming true.
I wanted a little girl
so badly.
And when it was all over,
all the sweating and the
bleeding and the
cursing and the pushing,
all that I got was you.
Just the first in a series
of crushing disappointments,
culminating about 73 seconds ago.
It's going good for me, too.
And you're the one seeking the truth
for everyone else,
helping others with
their unfinished business
and yet, somehow,
you can't even face your own.
I never deserted my family.
You never had a family.
And you never will.
You tell that tramp
that I'm sharing this house with
to go back to her lawyer.
At least he knew
how to press the right buttons in
Shu-shut up!
Oh, Lucas.
Is that any way to talk to Mommy?
I, uh, hope you like 'em strong.
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