SurrealEstate (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
SurrealEstate.
Some agencies, they help their clients
sell their houses by reducing clutter.
We help them by stopping
the walls from bleeding.
I'm Luke Roman.
I have this kind of connection
to these things all of my life.
- If you like her
- Hey.
you should make a move.
Everybody, this is Susan
Ireland, our new agent.
The technical term
is telekinesis.
Tonight, for the first
time in my entire life,
I really felt like
I was in control.
Those things, they can hurt you!
They are dangerous.
Until you learn a little more about them
you might want to think
about doing things our way.
Oh, dear.
This house is clean.
Bitch.
The things I've
seen these past few months
feel like one big hallucination.
I'm going to be really busy
over the next few weeks.
Guess maybe you'll see
me if you have time.
- Here, buddy, look at me!
- Something's changed.
The voices, they're not there.
I got nothing.
Hey, I can handle things
for a little while.
I'm afraid you're going to have to.
These final negotiations
are always a little
tricky.
Of course, the seller wants something.
The buyer wants something else.
And, sometimes, there are
other parties involved
who have desires of their own.
That's when your
representation really matters.
Excuse me. I just need to take this.
- Zooey, where is he?
- I don't know.
He was in his car headed your way
when his phone cut out! Did
you check in with August?
August is a little busy right now.
Oh, dear.
Oh, shit!
- He's here!
- Does he have the key?
- Do you have the key?
- That thing zapped my car
and chased me the last eight blocks!
Real estate is exciting, isn't it?
Okay, if August crunched
these numbers correctly,
you have, like, seven minutes, max.
One sec. Hi.
Suppose I could trouble
you for a glass of water
and some Tylenol?
I have the key!
Technology is not cooperating.
As soon as the numbers
come up on screen,
we need to reset the clock,
wind it up and make
Augie, was that you?
I find nothing funny about
our current situation.
Nothing electrical seems to work.
Looks like we have
to do this old school.
This was so much simpler
when Luke could just
talk to these things.
Those days are gone.
Come on, come on!
Read me the numbers when you get 'em!
Uh, it looks like eight.
Four, eight.
- Four eight? That's not a time!
- Well, that's what it says!
Wait. The O in four is
directly above the H in eight.
Oh, oh! Four-oh-eight.
Oh! Duh.
See, the house was owne by two brothers.
An electrician and a plumber. But
one night the electrician
murdered the plumber.
So, like Cain and Abel in the Bible.
Yeah, most of the really nasty shit
starts in that particular book.
Anyway, they say the
grandfather clock you have
stopped at that moment. So,
we had to track down
the exact time of death,
find a key that would work in the clock,
reset it and then get it running
so that the plumber
could move on, but
the electrician fought
us every step of the way.
So Ooh!
- Who wants to sell a house?
- Are you okay?
Oh, I'm super! I'm super!
August just has a little wet
cleanup to do in aisle five
and then we're good to go.
- So, what now?
- Well, now we sell this place!
Well, we're a little
worried 'cause our neighbors,
they showed their house
nonstop for six months
before they found a buyer.
Remember, it only takes one.
One person to step
into a house and whammo!
Feels like home.
Does it ever really
happen that way, though?
Oh, it totally does! See
I believe the right
house is like a soulmate.
You can look at a thousand other houses
but when the right one
comes along, you know.
And it's magic.
Well, let's hope for some magic.
Thanks, Susan! You're amazing!
I, uh, I don't suppose you
have any jumper cables, do you?
Hey, Susan in yet?
- Hopefully not for a while.
- I have seven urgent messages
for her and she's late
for the Cantervilles.
Yeah, well, I'm, uh, six houses behind
on PIP searches and HCP profiles.
- Have you seen August?
- In his workshop.
He slept on his couch last night.
Yeah, I keep telling myself
busy is good, but damn!
This is what our future looks like
if Luke doesn't get back, like, now.
Any word at all?
Well, then it's time to
rattle his cage a little.
It's an absolute bloodbath out there.
Your neighborhood is white-hot
and you're competing with
every house on the block.
It's a seller's market. It's like
it's like a big, angry
bear and with this kitchen,
your house is Leonardo
DiCaprio waving a stick.
Mm, but it's so much money.
Look, you knock out this
wall, put in a nice big island,
upgrade those appliances,
a backsplash here,
a wine fridge there and
you can increase your
asking price to this
But you'll only be spending
that.
Your R-O-I is going to be at least 84%!
Even more if there's a bidding war
and there is nothing like a farm sink
and a restaurant-quality stove
to make a buyer think
about invading Poland.
You are a rock star, Susan!
Well
These are killing me, August.
I am literally dying.
"The idea is to die young
as late as possible."
Ashley Montague.
I know this agency was
founded on Luke's ability
to see these things,
talk with them, reason with them,
even when they didn't feel like it.
A difficult gift to
replace with technology.
- But he can't do that anymore!
- So you're the guy!
There has to be something more
efficient here than Scrabble tiles.
And yet they came through.
Keep working it, Augie.
Hello!
Tell me how you died!
Hm.
Hm!
- Ha.
- Hm.
- What a day.
- Yeah.
How are we doing on McTeer and Bryce?
Uh, McTeer title's clean.
Bryce had a lien from a crazy roofer,
but we're getting it cleared up.
Did you finish the PIP on Sanderson?
Uh, two previous owners, no DOPs,
no Undies, no Baby Janes.
Okay. No deaths on premises,
nobody buried under the basement and
Don't tell me.
Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, 1962.
Uh, uh, nobody Blah!
Nobody being tormented
by a family member!
- That's it!
- Uh!
Um
I, uh,
I noticed you brought in
three more normies this week.
Not every house has to be a horror show.
Oh, and I'm supposed to look
at a bank repo this afternoon
that Julie Chen is interested in.
Ah.
Aren't you getting, um, a little tired?
And I'm only asking
because the rest of us
are really exhausted watching you.
I thrive on being busy. Always have.
I'm living my best life.
Next step is to take out the wall.
Try not to make too much of a mess.
You're on a crusade about the radiation.
- Yeah, they have
- gamma rays on vegetables.
What the hell is that?
I don't know.
Ah!!
They asked us to look for
the finger
so they could sew it back on.
Any luck?
Guy's probably lawyering up
as we speak and where's Susan?
It was her idea to remodel the kitchen.
Well, Susan is primarily a
sales and marketing specialist.
When shit gets real and
your walls start to bleed,
they generally call on
Mister Ripley and myself.
So, tell me about this voice you heard.
It was a very high one, a boy.
Uh, little one, singing his heart out.
It was beautiful.
Like that choir. The
- The Vienna Boys' Choir.
- Exactly!
Yeah, we can check, but most of them
probably have an airtight alibi.
Being in, you know
Vienna.
Where is this Luke Roman person?
His name is on the sign!
Why isn't he getting involved
with this? Where the hell is he?
Bless me, Father, for I have whiffed.
Gimme three Hail Mary's
and close your stance.
So, I'm here for my
biweekly wellness check.
Stopped going to Funland?
Eh. Stopped being fun.
Now it's just land.
Anything new on the adoption front?
They say it's only a matter of time
and finding the right situation.
It'll work out.
So, how're you keeping busy these days?
Watch a lot of TV.
You know, Jeopardy is
a lot more challenging
without the voices whispering
the answers in my ear.
I think I found your mom.
Got some hits on the name.
Kinda tracked her through a
couple of towns over the years.
Yay, internet!
Where is she?
Not far.
I want to check out some things,
you know, just to make sure.
Well, keep me posted, okay?
Everything good at the office?
Yeah. Uh
Susan's killing it.
Felt kinda bad about
the Travis house fallout.
She didn't even work for us then.
Did you not see her
interview on Channel Seven?
No. You know, I've been kind of
A reminder that the wonders
of modern life come with danger
And that's why the Roman Agency
is sponsoring the Home
Safe Home initiative,
subsidizing furnace inspections
to low-income housing.
Because home is the one place
where you should always feel safe.
- Wow.
- Yeah, it was a great idea.
Totally saved our bacon.
That's great.
Did you hear we sold the Donovan house?
- It's a great property.
- Once you get past the portal
- and the hellhound and
- Sister Act?
Yeah.
So, you coming back or what?
- Thinking Monday.
- My dad's birthday and I know
he'd tell me to get my
lazy butt back to work.
Besides
Runnin' outta quarters.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Do you see the finger?
- No.
- Are you sure?
I work in real estate.
I'm perfectly aware of what
a middle finger looks like.
a little pony ♪
His name was Happy Dan ♪
But if he enters the woods at night ♪
He won't be happy again ♪
'Cause bad things live in the forest ♪
They wait for ponies at night ♪
If Happy Dan runs too slowly ♪
They'll gather around and bite ♪
They'll nip his ears off ♪
They'll eat his eyes ♪
They'll break his legs if they can ♪
Goodbye to Happy Dan ♪
- Luke! Oh!
- William!
How's our favorite repeat client?
Oh, I am well! I am wonderful.
Now, where is Sylvia?
Susan? She is really busy,
but I thought I'd drop
off this housewarming gift.
- Oh, very kind.
- I take it
- you're starting something new?
- Oh, yes.
You know how I like to
start every new novel
in a new and fresh place. I mean,
if you cannot frighten
your own willy off you
from time to time to prove to yourself
that you're still
fogging up the mirror, eh?
Well, this place'll do it.
Yes. In fact
I was just getting the spare keys
and a few tips from the former owner.
Hello, Luke.
Megan. Hi.
Well, I think perhaps, uh,
I'm just going to go indoors and, uh
get better acquainted. Yes.
Huh.
Hey.
Uh, congratulations on the sale.
- Yeah.
- And the residency.
It's really exciting.
Kinda scary.
Well, you don't scare that easy.
So, when do you leave?
Day after tomorrow.
I was gonna call you.
It's okay.
You got a lot going on.
Hm.
How are you getting
by without the, um?
I'm good.
Some days are better than others.
But I'm good.
You know, it feels really ironic.
The things you do Did.
The things you saw and talked to.
Those were the things
that I struggled with.
And, now, they're um
They're kinda gone.
And you're leaving, too.
Thank you for making
my world so much bigger.
- It's that bank repo.
- They call it the Ensom House.
I finally got up here to check it out.
Look, I'll call you back.
Whammo.
I believe the right
house is like a soulmate.
You can look at a thousand other houses,
but when the right one comes along,
you know.
And it's magic.
Wowza.
I'm sorry. I do
not understand your request.
- Oh, sure.
- There's a smart-house function.
What can I do for you?
Just looking.
Please let me know if you
have any questions, Susan.
How'd you
Did the bank add me to the database?
Yes. Please let me know
if you have any questions.
Sorry I'm late. Everything okay?
Uh, the Cantervilles are freaking out.
Okay. In moments like these
I think it's important
we follow a process.
Luke always counted
on intuition and magic
and let's all be honest:
Those days are over.
- Susan, sh.
- No, no.
I think we need to face the truth here.
Luke has lost his special sauce.
He's just a regular guy now
On a good day.
Luke!
So, it's a step-by-step
process I call ECHIDNA:
Engage, Coordinate, Handhold,
Investigate, De-terminate,
- Neutralize, Assess.
- De-terminate?
A lot of our clients don't
really understand what we do.
So, when we get fired terminated
Which we always do.
We need to be rehired. De-terminated.
But why ECHIDNA?
Echidna is an egg-laying
mammal indigenous to Australia.
- Oh, well, there you go.
- It's a mnemonic.
To help you remember the
key steps of the process.
Well, Heaven forbid
you forget your ECHIDNA.
Great. Good. Thanks so much.
Can you catch me up on what's happening
- with the Kingston place?
- Oh, boy.
The DeVores want a
contingency deal, right?
But Jack Kingston's not having it.
He says, "Buy it or
don't. I don't care."
Return to the sweet
embrace of the grave.
We've tried any number of devices to
facilitate communication
beyond the veil.
There's something about toys
that works particularly well.
Possibly their simplicity
and playful appearance
create a rapport with
those on the other side.
Luke, do you think this
your current status,
do you think it's
permanent?
You mean do you think I'm
going to remain a normal person?
Well, gee, I hope so.
Yeah? What?
Your office.
Why were you so nasty to Susan?
I wasn't nasty.
You were a condescending,
dismissive jerk.
Look, we have a lot of work to do.
Susan is great. You know
that I think she is great,
but she does tend to get
bogged down in the process.
And we just don't have the time.
Well, Susan made the time
to keep this agency running
while you were off having your
two-month case of the Mondays!
- Where is she?
- I have no idea.
Where does she go when she
feels sad, unappreciated and
justifiably pissed off?
Who's there?
Um house?
House control voice thingy?
Creepy man-projecting internet
connected simulated person unit?
Hello, Susan.
Did you just play that
music a minute ago?
Did you not like it?
I
Yes, it was fine. It just startled me.
I'm sorry.
My device at home waits
until I ask it to play music.
Yes, the older models do that.
I gotta go.
Come back soon.
I was I am really grateful
for the way you stepped up and
ran things while I was away.
I don't know if I expressed
that really well in there
and I'm really sorry if
I sounded like anything
other than really grateful. Really.
You know you say "really" a lot
during difficult conversations?
No shit?
- Sorry to interrupt.
- Whattaya got?
A few things dribbling in
on the Canterville house.
1938, a ten-year-old
boy named Samuel MacAdams
died of scarlet fever in the house.
Child's voice.
It all adds up.
What all adds up? It's one clue.
I'll take it from here.
- Yeah, um
- I'll let you know when the
rest of the records come in.
So, you're really just
going to do this yourself?
Screw the process.
Susan, you took what we
do and you color-coded it.
There's nothing magical
about your process.
It's my process with a cute
name but without the intuition.
Susan.
What are you going to do?
Rat me out to Zooey again?
- You go ahead.
- I'll be right up.
I'm telling you, Mom, I was killing it.
Clients loved me.
Competitors respected me.
Bob Livingston feared me.
Monsters are always afraid of fire.
- And I like Luke!
- Mm.
- I like the old Luke.
- The new Luke seems
Defensive. Territorial.
Just insecure.
You never really know what
people are going through.
Now, that being said,
I never believed you'd be truly happy
unless you work someplace
with your name on the door.
Am I that arrogant?
Oh, that good.
Do you remember that house we had
on the shore that one summer?
The one with the amazing ocean view?
Oh, you really loved that house.
Oh, it was bright and cheerful
and I would just lie there and daydream.
That was the one summer
daddy wasn't away at work.
Mm.
I would just lie in the sunshine
and listen to him play piano.
That was a good summer.
Anyway, I
I found a beautiful house
that brings it all back.
I didn't know you were
thinking of moving.
Neither did I.
Hm.
Heading for the Canterville place?
- So, how's this work?
- You speak slowly and clearly
and pull the string.
The words that come out are those of
whatever is there.
You are certain you're up for this?
It's a kid, August.
A kid lost in a house.
If I can't handle this,
I might as well hang it up.
Ah! Luke.
Huh.
We were beginning to
wonder if you were real.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
You going somewhere?
We can't stay here another night.
I think I have a solution.
Randall,
get in the car.
We are going to stay with my sister
and that stops being fun
really fast.
Get rid of this thing,
or pull up your sign and get out.
There was a little pony ♪
His name was Happy Dan ♪
He loved to run in the sunshine ♪
Just frolicking in the sand ♪
He'd kick his heels
up with frisky fun ♪
He'd toss his tail and his mane ♪
But if he enters the woods at night ♪
Dan won't be happy ♪
Oh, shit.
For bad things live in the forest ♪
They wait for ponies at night ♪
If Happy Dan runs too slowly ♪
They'll gather round and bite ♪
They'll nip his ears off ♪
Samuel?
I don't know if you can hear me,
but I'm here to help.
Goodbye to Happy Dan ♪
Goodbye to Happy Dan ♪
Let me guess.
Not Samuel.
If it's not the little boy, who is it?
His name was Edgar Cornell.
He was a serial killer.
He murdered six people
that we know of.
He removed various body parts
and dropped them in mailboxes.
This was in, like, '78, '79.
He was convicted and executed in 1985
but in between, in the early '80s,
- he lived in this house.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, Luke could not
have gotten this more wrong.
He has no idea what he's walking into.
But what about
the voice, the-the singing?
The thing was, he
had this freaky high voice.
He lured his victims by
impersonating a child in trouble.
Like a lot of serial killers,
Cornell liked trophies. A
hair ribbon here, jewelry there.
A body part that he
would cut off or bite off.
Trophies! That's gotta be it.
He came back for the trophies!
- But why now?
- He's been dead since '85!
Look, we're right outside.
How long until you guys get here?
We're, like, a minute away.
Hurry! Luke's in there
with no powers, no clue
and that thing!
I came back to get my goodies.
- Stay back!
- Luke, he's a serial killer.
He collected trophies from his victims.
They must have been hidden in the wall!
The kitchen remodel brought him
back from wherever to find them!
It's somewhere in the wall! Find it!
Go, quickly!
The hole needs to be bigger.
- Zooey, watch out.
- What?
- Watch out.
- Okay.
Waahh!
He was a little boy ♪
His name was Happy Dan.
Luke, look out!
- What am I looking for?
- A bag, or a box.
Jewellery; A hair ribbon.
Body parts.
Oh, my God.
Hey! Handsome!
Give me a call when your voice changes.
Susan! Here!
You guys are all so tough
until somebody torches your goodies.
Thanks, Deb.
As soon as the kitchen is
done, we hit the market.
Yeah, I spoke with the contractor. Yeah.
Yeah, I sort of lit
a fire under his ass.
Two weeks. Great.
'Kay, bye.
The Cantervilles?
We're back on.
So we are de-terminated.
Great job on this, Susan.
- Thanks.
- No, I mean
I screwed up and you pulled it out.
You really should take some time.
Time?
You could be kicking
ass and closing escrow
almost single-handedly.
Take a few days off! I got this covered.
Um
Yeah. Maybe. Thanks.
Hey, Bob.
Ah, yeah. Back at the
helm, steering the ship.
Listen, about this,
uh, Frederico listing,
what's his bottom line price?
Julie, it's Susan.
Hey, so I checked out that
bank repo like you asked.
Yeah.
No, it's okay. It's just, um
It's just not for you.
Yeah.
N-no, yeah, of course,
we'll keep on looking.
Okay. Goodbye.
Feels weird coming here
to feel close to you.
Lacks the atmosphere of Funland.
And the hot dogs aren't nearly as good.
Sorry I haven't been by in a while.
But I'm, uh, back at work
and, Dad, I'm just tearing it up.
Alienated Susan,
best real estate agent to ever live.
Faced down a serial killer
armed with nothing but a stuffed animal
and an epic misunderstanding
of the situation.
Oh, and you'll like this
Phil thinks he found mom.
Yeah.
"For reals" this time.
For as long as I can remember
I wanted to ask her
Why?
Why'd she leave?
What did we do?
What did I do?
I really wish that we could
talk about these things.
Hm.
Maybe someday.
Maybe not.
Here, Dad.
Nice catch.