Surviving Jack (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Are you crazy?! No! No! No! Adult Frankie: Teenage boys today are lucky.
You can hit a button on your computer and see any naked body part, you want to.
But in 1991, we didn't have that.
So I had to take what I could get.
Hey.
- [TV turns off.]
- Hi.
- You're watching TV? - Yep.
I don't pay for premium channels, but you seemed really into that movie.
Do you think that would be something fun for me, you, and your mom to watch together? No.
Are you sure? What's it called? "The Bikini Police.
" Sounds fun, what's it about? Uh I feel like the title kind of explains it.
Can I go to bed? Yeah, I need you to take a lap around the block.
It's 3:00, in the morning.
It's called negative reinforcement.
It's the quickest way, to alter the behavior of simpleminded animals, like dogs, chickens Teenage boys.
Chief, you know you half-ass this thing, you're just gonna have to do it again.
Attaboy! Man: It's 3:00 in the morning! Hey, Tom! Da, da, da-la-da Da, da, da-la, Da, da, da-la-da The story of my life Yeah, it looks like some diminished perfusion, - in the right upper lobe.
- Coming through.
Morning.
[Gasps.]
Whoa! [Robotic voice.]
Stud alert.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Frankie, do you have any idea, how handsome you are? If I were 20 years younger and not your mom I made it weird, didn't I? Yep, a little bit.
Okay.
Look, Mom, uh, thank you so much for all the new school clothes, but I'm not so sure if this shirt is me.
It's got two sleeves and a neck hole.
It's you.
Listen, honey, that shirt is heat-sensitive, it changes colors.
I think it's a whole lot of fun.
- Oh-ho, it's so much fun.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
But what if we return it for a shirt that maybe doesn't change colors at all.
It's the first day of high school, I'm really not trying to stand out, you know? Ha! Good luck with that.
What? The boy grew 10 inches over the summer.
Unless some other kid lost an arm, he's gonna stand out.
I'll return the shirt this weekend.
Okay? Thank you.
Your mother is not returning diddly-doo, it is her first day as well, and I'm talking law school, not the dumb-dumb factory you attend, which, by the way, means I'm in charge of parenting from now on? That's exciting.
Rachel should hear this, too.
Rachel! I'm in charge, of parenting! - Rachel: What?! - She's on board.
[Sighs.]
Be ready to leave by the time it takes me to finish this coffee and take a dump.
Wild, wild, wild, wild life This book is garbage, you can't get dinosaur DNA out of tree sap.
Who reads this crap? Uh, everyone on Earth.
Surrounded by idiots.
Should I be doing this? Oh, boy.
Should I be going to law school? What if Frankie grows up and turns out to be one of those men that pays prostitutes to pee on them? What the hell are you talking about? I don't know.
I just feel like I'm being so selfish.
That's B.
S, you've had my back for years, now it's your turn.
I cut back my hours at the hospital.
I'll be here for the kids.
Taking care of those two is harder than you think.
I take care of people with cancer.
I got this.
The kids don't have cancer, Jack.
Cancer's inside everyone, it's just a matter of whether or not it metastasizes.
I could take you and the kids down to the lab right now.
I run a test on you You got cancer.
Worst pep talk ever.
I got this.
Go.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
God help me, I love that woman.
If an asteroid were to hit this earth and she and I were the only two people left alive, I'd be okay.
What about me? Well, there'd obviously be a grieving period, I'm not an ass.
Rachel: It's such a good vibration, It's such a sweet sensation Come on, come on, come on, Yo, it's about that time The little I can hear of that is horrible.
- Dad, you're passing them.
- [Tires screech.]
["She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals playing.]
Where's Mrs.
D? She left me, for the neighbor, they're on a screw-fest, in the Bahamas.
Get in.
New ground rules for carpooling.
No eating, no seat drumming, just silence.
[Speaks Spanish.]
- Pain.
- Ow! What the hell was that? Mikey feels that speaking in Spanish is kind of like telling secrets.
So whenever George speaks Spanish, Mikey brings the pain.
Michael, is there anything I can say to make you not do that? Nope.
Fair enough.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Get out.
I can't stop So, I red in my mom's magazine that girls get turned on when they're, like, ovulating.
So that's, like, the best time to ask them out, right? We just have to figure out when, that's happening for everyone, and make a calendar.
Dude, we're not making a period calendar.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, Frankie.
Up till now, girls didn't know I existed, especially girls like Heather Blumeyer.
[Chuckles.]
I was at that summer-league game against Helix, when you threw that no-hitter.
You think, you'll make Varsity? Uh, well I mean [Sighs.]
Uh I mean, I'm only Frankie's gonna be the only freshman on the team.
Hey, didn't you used to be in the grade above me? What are you, the grade police? Okay.
Cool.
[Chuckles.]
Well, my parents are out of town.
And I'm having people, over Friday night.
You guys should come.
Really? Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we totally will.
Okay.
Well, let me know, if I should bring anything! - All right.
- Mikey: Dude.
What? Wait, don't be a bitch.
Hey, uh When's Mom coming home? No.
Uh, I don't think that was a yes-or-no question.
You're not bugging your mom.
What do you need? Uh, well, there's a girl at school, and sh Let me help you out here, you're 16.
Whoever this girl is, she's not the one.
I mean, hell, when you get married, there's a 50% chance you're gonna get divorced.
So even the one, might not be the one, it's a coin flip.
So don't sweat it.
You're welcome.
Dude, you want to know what to do with Heather? You got to see a naked chick.
I can make that happen.
Let's go.
Where you going? To study with Doug.
- Who's Doug again? - My boyfriend.
Dad, it's been six weeks, it's pretty serious.
Sweetheart, I'm a doctor.
The only thing I take seriously after six weeks is diarrhea.
Ew.
Look, for some reason, he wants to meet you.
Mikey's plan to see naked chicks, was not what I expected.
Welcome to Bum City.
No way.
George: Nice! The mother lode of smut.
Ahh.
It says here she was a nerd, in high school.
I feel like that's not true.
Hey! Run! ["Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction playing.]
- [Dog barks.]
- Bring back my boobs! I was not bringing back, his boobs.
Split up! I've been caught stealing Once when I was 5, They were my boobs now.
It's just as simple as that Well, it's just a simple fact When I want something And I don't want to pay for it, I walked right Through the door And I walked, right through the door, It's mine [Snoring.]
Don't.
I'm studying.
You're not.
You're snoring.
That's impossible.
I don't snore.
Well, then there's a horse dying on your side of the bed.
[Laughs.]
How did it go, with the kids today? - Eh, piece of cake.
[Sighs.]
- Mm.
Okay.
Not to say that a reward wouldn't be appropriate.
Oh.
Right.
'Cause after one day of doing what I've done [Chuckles.]
forever, you think, you've earned a reward.
No, no, no, the reward's for you.
[Laughs.]
Oh! Oh, my God! Why was I up at 2:01 in the morning? 2:02 in the morning? [Sighs.]
I couldn't stop obsessing, about one thing Full-on naked girls.
Hello, ladies.
It's just you and me.
[Click.]
- Jack: Hey.
- And my dad.
Drop the shovel, or I'll drive you into town like that, and leave you there.
[Clang.]
You want to tell me why you're digging a hole in my backyard at 2:00 in the morning? Uh, we took those, from two homeless guys, and they were not psyched.
And then I get home and, I see Mom, so I buried them.
And I'm laying in bed, and I can't stop thinking about them, have you ever had something like that, that's just in your brain, and it's burning and burning and Who in the hell stuck a quarter in you? Will you please stop talking? Okay, there are three things I want you to take away from this.
One.
You will not have sex with a woman who looks like that ever in your life.
Two.
Women don't screw crazy like they do in those pictures.
- Well, they do.
- They don't.
And three.
I hate stealing, you're gonna return those.
[Scoffing.]
What? That's crazy.
Don't care.
Fill that hole in the morning.
That's it? No, if you're gonna roam around, outside at night, stop sleeping in nut-huggers, no one wants to see that.
Yo Please.
A velociraptor can't open a damn door, I'm out.
Toss that back.
So he just buried them? I handled it.
Go to school.
He's becoming a man.
He doesn't know how to deal, with these new feelings.
He takes 45 minutes showers, he's dealing with them.
Yeah.
My son doesn't do that.
He does.
I know he does, but he doesn't.
Promise me you'll help him with this.
Mm-hmm.
I'm promising.
I got this.
I know exactly what to do.
Most Dads would have taken their son, to Red Lobster and given them the talk.
Ha.
Not my dad.
- What the - I won't let you down I will not give you up - No, no, no, no, - Got to have some faith, in the sound, It's the one good thing that I've got - I won't let you down - Um Look, uh Do not read that note, please.
'Cause I would really, really love to stick around No, no.
Hey.
"Frankie, I will only pay for a baby that comes out of your mother, Dad.
" [Laughter.]
Unfortunately back then, every high school, had to have this guy.
Ha! Brutal! Oh, great.
It's you two.
Where's my kid? He walked home.
Why? Heaven knows I was, just a young boy, Didn't know what I wanted to be So how was your day? Why would you do that, without telling me? Oh, wait.
I forgot, you do whatever you want.
And, by the way, you could have given me one.
I didn't need a lifetime supply.
Well, for your sake, I hope one, box is not a lifetime supply.
Come on.
Get in the car.
I'll let you drive.
That won't work, sir.
He's scared of driving.
Oh, freedom, What kind of kid's afraid of driving? Freedom, Oh, come on.
We'll go get pizza.
You've got to give, for what you take - Freedom, - I'm not talking to you.
Well, merry Christmas to me.
What the hell are you two doing? You promised us pizza.
You know what? I did.
Everyone who's speaking to me gets pizza.
Hey, Rach, we're - Damn - Dad! I wish I was your lover I'd rock you till the daylight comes Awesome.
- Dr.
Dunlevy, I just - Doug, there is not a scale available, with which I can accurately measure how much I want you to leave right now.
Hey! How's my family doing? Dad put a giant box of condoms in my backpack, and it fell out, at lunch.
- He did what? - He also barged into my room.
I'm just glad I stopped your boyfriend at second base.
She had a boy in her room? Where the hell were you? Oh, I was out, buying massage oil for them.
I didn't know, he was here.
Mrs.
D, you have, a very beautiful daughter.
- Schwing.
- Get out.
Leave the pizza.
I'm starving.
You two, go to your rooms.
[Sighs.]
Oh, this is perfect.
Do you have any idea how much homework I have tonight? Honey, relax.
I got this.
No, Jack.
I've got this.
Knock yourself out.
[Sighs.]
Adult Frankie: Mom always knew just how to push Dad's buttons.
Um, they escape from the island, and both the kids live.
You're welcome.
Jack, what were you thinking with Frankie? He's 16 years old, and my job is to make sure he doesn't get a girl pregnant or drink and drive, which, by the way, is not an issue, because he's terrified of getting behind the wheel.
Otherwise, nothing he does at this age matters.
If something matters to Frankie, it should matter to you.
Same goes with Rachel.
Have you even spoken to Doug before today? It's irrelevant.
Did you even punish her? She's grounded.
I figure for shirt off, three days.
Pants off, it would have been a week.
What if, she gets pregnant? Two weeks, no TV.
I don't know.
Honey, you've got to get in the game more, they think you don't care.
I love those damn kids.
I may not always like them, but name one parent who would hang out with their kids if they weren't their kids.
I love hanging out with our kids.
You're just lying, to make a point.
I promise I'll try.
Mm-hmm.
[Horn honks.]
Alison's giving me a ride.
And, yes, I'll go straight home.
Hey, [Clicks tongue.]
Peace.
George: So, let's say, at the party tonight you're making out with Heather and she takes off her shirt Whoa.
She just takes her shirt off and lets them out? - That happens? - Bitches, man.
I don't think they like, being called bitches, dude.
Good.
You know what? This is too much pressure.
I don't want to go to this party.
I'm out.
- Are you serious? - I don't want to talk about it.
Talk about what? Uh, nothing.
You'd think it was stupid.
I think everything everyone says is stupid.
Tell me anyway.
A hot girl invited Frankie to a party, but he won't go.
You two take the bus home.
You get behind the wheel, you're learning to drive today.
[Car door opens.]
Do you enjoy making me uncomfortable? Because you don't have to try so hard at it.
I'm always uncomfortable.
- Okay, let's stop.
- [Brakes screech.]
[Sighs.]
Here's a scenario George got stabbed by one of those hobos you robbed.
You've got to get him to the hospital before he bleeds out.
But wouldn't I just call 911? 911 isn't working.
So this is like the apocalypse or something? Just sac up and get from here to our house in five minutes.
Save George! Go! - Go! Go! Go! - [Tires squeal, engine revs.]
["Add It Up" by Violent Femmes playing.]
Why can't I get just one kiss? Two minutes left.
Oh! George pulled the knife out! Why did he do that?! - I don't know.
- Blood is splattering everywhere! - [Tires screech.]
- Aah! Why are you doing this? After day, That was a stop sign! Oh! One minute.
He's dying.
- You're little Mexican friend is dying.
- Aah! Oh! [Exhales sharply.]
That the day is in my sight 10, 9, 8, - 7 - [Tires screech.]
- 6, 5 - Stop counting! 4, 3 - Whoa! - [Brakes screech.]
- [Sighs.]
- Well done.
George lived, but all that blood loss caused major brain damage.
He'll never speak again.
So that's a win-win.
Why would you make me do that? Anything worth doing in life is gonna be scary.
You understand what I'm saying? Yeah.
All right.
Uh, I mean no.
Not at all.
Go to that stupid party, and talk to that girl.
You could have just said that.
[Sighs.]
I can't believe you're making me study with you every night.
Oh, honey, maybe you'd be more comfortable, if you took, your shirt off.
It so wasn't worth it.
It was awkward and just A lot of uncomfortable pinching and squeezing.
I dated this guy in high school.
I thought he was going to permanently change the shape of my boobs.
[Both laugh.]
[Knock on door.]
He knows I'm grounded.
He just came to get his calculus book.
- [Screams.]
- [Shrieks.]
Dad! Seriously?! He's fine.
Aren't you, Doug? Doug? Look, my daughter's Smart, so she probably wouldn't date a complete idiot.
I could be wrong.
Still, you and I should get to know each other.
Uh, what's your name again? Doug Manganaro.
- People call you Mango? - No.
Good, that would be stupid.
Hey.
I'm going to the party.
Be safe, little dude.
Shut up, Mango.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
I'm hot as balls.
[Grunts.]
Is that the shirt that changes colors when you touch it? Okay, so I didn't mean to wear this shirt.
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
[Indistinct conversations.]
You're unbelievable, oh What the, what the [Indistinct conversations.]
What the, what the Weren't we in the same grade? How about I punch you in the nuts? [Laughs.]
That would suck.
So, I drove from there to my house in five minutes.
And my dad said that George would live but he'd be brain-dead.
[Both chuckle.]
You want to see my room? Why? What's in your Yeah, I want to see your room.
To want the world and everything you're asked to brace yourself with the grace of ease ["Just Like Heaven" by The Cure playing.]
Not a big Christian Slater fan huh? I'm a huge fan.
Right.
It's getting kind of hot in here.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I hate this stupid shirt.
I think it's cute.
Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick "The one that makes me, scream" she said "The one that make me laugh" she said, Threw her arms around my neck Show me how you do it, So how was it? It was awesome.
She was wearing this cherry lip gloss, man.
Can I smell it? - Mm-hmm.
- [Sniffs.]
Dude! Act like you've been there before.
Hey, yo, Frankie.
Yo! What up, T-Money? Yo, nice job in there.
Yeah, Heather said she would have went further, but you ain't try nothing.
Adult Frankie: And then guess what the stoner said.
Ha! Brutal! And right then I knew, he had already told everyone, first high school party I went to.
That I'm in love with you And I was the joke.
[Door opens.]
Hi, honey.
What are you doing up? Uh, can I talk to you, for a second? Of course.
Let me just put my stuff away.
- Welcome home.
- Hi.
I need a late-night snack.
I'm thinking bacon.
What do you say? Eight slices each.
You want in? I'm just gonna dive on in here.
I heard what happened at the party.
How? It was an hour ago.
Ah, Rach told me.
She heard it from her skanky friend Alison.
Awesome.
I know you feel crappy right now.
But just let me ask yo, one thing If you close your eyes, can you still remember kissing that girl? Yeah, I guess.
Well, I've kissed hundreds of girls.
Congrats.
Hey, let me finish the story.
Out of all of those girls, how many do you think I remember? Two The first one and your mother.
And maybe this Filipino nurse with a giant ass.
She was sloppy.
- All right, is this story almost over? - Listen, kiddo, you can't stop life from screwing you when it wants to.
And I know you feel like hell right now.
But you will always remember your first kiss.
Dad, it was so embarrassing.
Well That will pass, I promise.
You know, if things ever get too crappy, you can always come home and have bacon with your mom and me.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
I might have also grabbed her butt.
Well, no one can take that away from you.
[Laughs.]
Frankie, you want to talk? - Um - [Sighs.]
No, it's no big deal, Dad got it.
Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Hmm.
Why do we have to, do this? 'Cause you stole.
Calm down.
It'll be fine.
[Screams.]
Run, boys! Run! [Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
[Panting.]
That should keep that from happening again.
[Sighs.]
You're a pretty sick guy.
Yeah, maybe.
$20 good? Yeah, okay.
You can hit a button on your computer and see any naked body part, you want to.
But in 1991, we didn't have that.
So I had to take what I could get.
Hey.
- [TV turns off.]
- Hi.
- You're watching TV? - Yep.
I don't pay for premium channels, but you seemed really into that movie.
Do you think that would be something fun for me, you, and your mom to watch together? No.
Are you sure? What's it called? "The Bikini Police.
" Sounds fun, what's it about? Uh I feel like the title kind of explains it.
Can I go to bed? Yeah, I need you to take a lap around the block.
It's 3:00, in the morning.
It's called negative reinforcement.
It's the quickest way, to alter the behavior of simpleminded animals, like dogs, chickens Teenage boys.
Chief, you know you half-ass this thing, you're just gonna have to do it again.
Attaboy! Man: It's 3:00 in the morning! Hey, Tom! Da, da, da-la-da Da, da, da-la, Da, da, da-la-da The story of my life Yeah, it looks like some diminished perfusion, - in the right upper lobe.
- Coming through.
Morning.
[Gasps.]
Whoa! [Robotic voice.]
Stud alert.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Frankie, do you have any idea, how handsome you are? If I were 20 years younger and not your mom I made it weird, didn't I? Yep, a little bit.
Okay.
Look, Mom, uh, thank you so much for all the new school clothes, but I'm not so sure if this shirt is me.
It's got two sleeves and a neck hole.
It's you.
Listen, honey, that shirt is heat-sensitive, it changes colors.
I think it's a whole lot of fun.
- Oh-ho, it's so much fun.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
But what if we return it for a shirt that maybe doesn't change colors at all.
It's the first day of high school, I'm really not trying to stand out, you know? Ha! Good luck with that.
What? The boy grew 10 inches over the summer.
Unless some other kid lost an arm, he's gonna stand out.
I'll return the shirt this weekend.
Okay? Thank you.
Your mother is not returning diddly-doo, it is her first day as well, and I'm talking law school, not the dumb-dumb factory you attend, which, by the way, means I'm in charge of parenting from now on? That's exciting.
Rachel should hear this, too.
Rachel! I'm in charge, of parenting! - Rachel: What?! - She's on board.
[Sighs.]
Be ready to leave by the time it takes me to finish this coffee and take a dump.
Wild, wild, wild, wild life This book is garbage, you can't get dinosaur DNA out of tree sap.
Who reads this crap? Uh, everyone on Earth.
Surrounded by idiots.
Should I be doing this? Oh, boy.
Should I be going to law school? What if Frankie grows up and turns out to be one of those men that pays prostitutes to pee on them? What the hell are you talking about? I don't know.
I just feel like I'm being so selfish.
That's B.
S, you've had my back for years, now it's your turn.
I cut back my hours at the hospital.
I'll be here for the kids.
Taking care of those two is harder than you think.
I take care of people with cancer.
I got this.
The kids don't have cancer, Jack.
Cancer's inside everyone, it's just a matter of whether or not it metastasizes.
I could take you and the kids down to the lab right now.
I run a test on you You got cancer.
Worst pep talk ever.
I got this.
Go.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
God help me, I love that woman.
If an asteroid were to hit this earth and she and I were the only two people left alive, I'd be okay.
What about me? Well, there'd obviously be a grieving period, I'm not an ass.
Rachel: It's such a good vibration, It's such a sweet sensation Come on, come on, come on, Yo, it's about that time The little I can hear of that is horrible.
- Dad, you're passing them.
- [Tires screech.]
["She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals playing.]
Where's Mrs.
D? She left me, for the neighbor, they're on a screw-fest, in the Bahamas.
Get in.
New ground rules for carpooling.
No eating, no seat drumming, just silence.
[Speaks Spanish.]
- Pain.
- Ow! What the hell was that? Mikey feels that speaking in Spanish is kind of like telling secrets.
So whenever George speaks Spanish, Mikey brings the pain.
Michael, is there anything I can say to make you not do that? Nope.
Fair enough.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Get out.
I can't stop So, I red in my mom's magazine that girls get turned on when they're, like, ovulating.
So that's, like, the best time to ask them out, right? We just have to figure out when, that's happening for everyone, and make a calendar.
Dude, we're not making a period calendar.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, Frankie.
Up till now, girls didn't know I existed, especially girls like Heather Blumeyer.
[Chuckles.]
I was at that summer-league game against Helix, when you threw that no-hitter.
You think, you'll make Varsity? Uh, well I mean [Sighs.]
Uh I mean, I'm only Frankie's gonna be the only freshman on the team.
Hey, didn't you used to be in the grade above me? What are you, the grade police? Okay.
Cool.
[Chuckles.]
Well, my parents are out of town.
And I'm having people, over Friday night.
You guys should come.
Really? Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we totally will.
Okay.
Well, let me know, if I should bring anything! - All right.
- Mikey: Dude.
What? Wait, don't be a bitch.
Hey, uh When's Mom coming home? No.
Uh, I don't think that was a yes-or-no question.
You're not bugging your mom.
What do you need? Uh, well, there's a girl at school, and sh Let me help you out here, you're 16.
Whoever this girl is, she's not the one.
I mean, hell, when you get married, there's a 50% chance you're gonna get divorced.
So even the one, might not be the one, it's a coin flip.
So don't sweat it.
You're welcome.
Dude, you want to know what to do with Heather? You got to see a naked chick.
I can make that happen.
Let's go.
Where you going? To study with Doug.
- Who's Doug again? - My boyfriend.
Dad, it's been six weeks, it's pretty serious.
Sweetheart, I'm a doctor.
The only thing I take seriously after six weeks is diarrhea.
Ew.
Look, for some reason, he wants to meet you.
Mikey's plan to see naked chicks, was not what I expected.
Welcome to Bum City.
No way.
George: Nice! The mother lode of smut.
Ahh.
It says here she was a nerd, in high school.
I feel like that's not true.
Hey! Run! ["Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction playing.]
- [Dog barks.]
- Bring back my boobs! I was not bringing back, his boobs.
Split up! I've been caught stealing Once when I was 5, They were my boobs now.
It's just as simple as that Well, it's just a simple fact When I want something And I don't want to pay for it, I walked right Through the door And I walked, right through the door, It's mine [Snoring.]
Don't.
I'm studying.
You're not.
You're snoring.
That's impossible.
I don't snore.
Well, then there's a horse dying on your side of the bed.
[Laughs.]
How did it go, with the kids today? - Eh, piece of cake.
[Sighs.]
- Mm.
Okay.
Not to say that a reward wouldn't be appropriate.
Oh.
Right.
'Cause after one day of doing what I've done [Chuckles.]
forever, you think, you've earned a reward.
No, no, no, the reward's for you.
[Laughs.]
Oh! Oh, my God! Why was I up at 2:01 in the morning? 2:02 in the morning? [Sighs.]
I couldn't stop obsessing, about one thing Full-on naked girls.
Hello, ladies.
It's just you and me.
[Click.]
- Jack: Hey.
- And my dad.
Drop the shovel, or I'll drive you into town like that, and leave you there.
[Clang.]
You want to tell me why you're digging a hole in my backyard at 2:00 in the morning? Uh, we took those, from two homeless guys, and they were not psyched.
And then I get home and, I see Mom, so I buried them.
And I'm laying in bed, and I can't stop thinking about them, have you ever had something like that, that's just in your brain, and it's burning and burning and Who in the hell stuck a quarter in you? Will you please stop talking? Okay, there are three things I want you to take away from this.
One.
You will not have sex with a woman who looks like that ever in your life.
Two.
Women don't screw crazy like they do in those pictures.
- Well, they do.
- They don't.
And three.
I hate stealing, you're gonna return those.
[Scoffing.]
What? That's crazy.
Don't care.
Fill that hole in the morning.
That's it? No, if you're gonna roam around, outside at night, stop sleeping in nut-huggers, no one wants to see that.
Yo Please.
A velociraptor can't open a damn door, I'm out.
Toss that back.
So he just buried them? I handled it.
Go to school.
He's becoming a man.
He doesn't know how to deal, with these new feelings.
He takes 45 minutes showers, he's dealing with them.
Yeah.
My son doesn't do that.
He does.
I know he does, but he doesn't.
Promise me you'll help him with this.
Mm-hmm.
I'm promising.
I got this.
I know exactly what to do.
Most Dads would have taken their son, to Red Lobster and given them the talk.
Ha.
Not my dad.
- What the - I won't let you down I will not give you up - No, no, no, no, - Got to have some faith, in the sound, It's the one good thing that I've got - I won't let you down - Um Look, uh Do not read that note, please.
'Cause I would really, really love to stick around No, no.
Hey.
"Frankie, I will only pay for a baby that comes out of your mother, Dad.
" [Laughter.]
Unfortunately back then, every high school, had to have this guy.
Ha! Brutal! Oh, great.
It's you two.
Where's my kid? He walked home.
Why? Heaven knows I was, just a young boy, Didn't know what I wanted to be So how was your day? Why would you do that, without telling me? Oh, wait.
I forgot, you do whatever you want.
And, by the way, you could have given me one.
I didn't need a lifetime supply.
Well, for your sake, I hope one, box is not a lifetime supply.
Come on.
Get in the car.
I'll let you drive.
That won't work, sir.
He's scared of driving.
Oh, freedom, What kind of kid's afraid of driving? Freedom, Oh, come on.
We'll go get pizza.
You've got to give, for what you take - Freedom, - I'm not talking to you.
Well, merry Christmas to me.
What the hell are you two doing? You promised us pizza.
You know what? I did.
Everyone who's speaking to me gets pizza.
Hey, Rach, we're - Damn - Dad! I wish I was your lover I'd rock you till the daylight comes Awesome.
- Dr.
Dunlevy, I just - Doug, there is not a scale available, with which I can accurately measure how much I want you to leave right now.
Hey! How's my family doing? Dad put a giant box of condoms in my backpack, and it fell out, at lunch.
- He did what? - He also barged into my room.
I'm just glad I stopped your boyfriend at second base.
She had a boy in her room? Where the hell were you? Oh, I was out, buying massage oil for them.
I didn't know, he was here.
Mrs.
D, you have, a very beautiful daughter.
- Schwing.
- Get out.
Leave the pizza.
I'm starving.
You two, go to your rooms.
[Sighs.]
Oh, this is perfect.
Do you have any idea how much homework I have tonight? Honey, relax.
I got this.
No, Jack.
I've got this.
Knock yourself out.
[Sighs.]
Adult Frankie: Mom always knew just how to push Dad's buttons.
Um, they escape from the island, and both the kids live.
You're welcome.
Jack, what were you thinking with Frankie? He's 16 years old, and my job is to make sure he doesn't get a girl pregnant or drink and drive, which, by the way, is not an issue, because he's terrified of getting behind the wheel.
Otherwise, nothing he does at this age matters.
If something matters to Frankie, it should matter to you.
Same goes with Rachel.
Have you even spoken to Doug before today? It's irrelevant.
Did you even punish her? She's grounded.
I figure for shirt off, three days.
Pants off, it would have been a week.
What if, she gets pregnant? Two weeks, no TV.
I don't know.
Honey, you've got to get in the game more, they think you don't care.
I love those damn kids.
I may not always like them, but name one parent who would hang out with their kids if they weren't their kids.
I love hanging out with our kids.
You're just lying, to make a point.
I promise I'll try.
Mm-hmm.
[Horn honks.]
Alison's giving me a ride.
And, yes, I'll go straight home.
Hey, [Clicks tongue.]
Peace.
George: So, let's say, at the party tonight you're making out with Heather and she takes off her shirt Whoa.
She just takes her shirt off and lets them out? - That happens? - Bitches, man.
I don't think they like, being called bitches, dude.
Good.
You know what? This is too much pressure.
I don't want to go to this party.
I'm out.
- Are you serious? - I don't want to talk about it.
Talk about what? Uh, nothing.
You'd think it was stupid.
I think everything everyone says is stupid.
Tell me anyway.
A hot girl invited Frankie to a party, but he won't go.
You two take the bus home.
You get behind the wheel, you're learning to drive today.
[Car door opens.]
Do you enjoy making me uncomfortable? Because you don't have to try so hard at it.
I'm always uncomfortable.
- Okay, let's stop.
- [Brakes screech.]
[Sighs.]
Here's a scenario George got stabbed by one of those hobos you robbed.
You've got to get him to the hospital before he bleeds out.
But wouldn't I just call 911? 911 isn't working.
So this is like the apocalypse or something? Just sac up and get from here to our house in five minutes.
Save George! Go! - Go! Go! Go! - [Tires squeal, engine revs.]
["Add It Up" by Violent Femmes playing.]
Why can't I get just one kiss? Two minutes left.
Oh! George pulled the knife out! Why did he do that?! - I don't know.
- Blood is splattering everywhere! - [Tires screech.]
- Aah! Why are you doing this? After day, That was a stop sign! Oh! One minute.
He's dying.
- You're little Mexican friend is dying.
- Aah! Oh! [Exhales sharply.]
That the day is in my sight 10, 9, 8, - 7 - [Tires screech.]
- 6, 5 - Stop counting! 4, 3 - Whoa! - [Brakes screech.]
- [Sighs.]
- Well done.
George lived, but all that blood loss caused major brain damage.
He'll never speak again.
So that's a win-win.
Why would you make me do that? Anything worth doing in life is gonna be scary.
You understand what I'm saying? Yeah.
All right.
Uh, I mean no.
Not at all.
Go to that stupid party, and talk to that girl.
You could have just said that.
[Sighs.]
I can't believe you're making me study with you every night.
Oh, honey, maybe you'd be more comfortable, if you took, your shirt off.
It so wasn't worth it.
It was awkward and just A lot of uncomfortable pinching and squeezing.
I dated this guy in high school.
I thought he was going to permanently change the shape of my boobs.
[Both laugh.]
[Knock on door.]
He knows I'm grounded.
He just came to get his calculus book.
- [Screams.]
- [Shrieks.]
Dad! Seriously?! He's fine.
Aren't you, Doug? Doug? Look, my daughter's Smart, so she probably wouldn't date a complete idiot.
I could be wrong.
Still, you and I should get to know each other.
Uh, what's your name again? Doug Manganaro.
- People call you Mango? - No.
Good, that would be stupid.
Hey.
I'm going to the party.
Be safe, little dude.
Shut up, Mango.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
I'm hot as balls.
[Grunts.]
Is that the shirt that changes colors when you touch it? Okay, so I didn't mean to wear this shirt.
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
[Indistinct conversations.]
You're unbelievable, oh What the, what the [Indistinct conversations.]
What the, what the Weren't we in the same grade? How about I punch you in the nuts? [Laughs.]
That would suck.
So, I drove from there to my house in five minutes.
And my dad said that George would live but he'd be brain-dead.
[Both chuckle.]
You want to see my room? Why? What's in your Yeah, I want to see your room.
To want the world and everything you're asked to brace yourself with the grace of ease ["Just Like Heaven" by The Cure playing.]
Not a big Christian Slater fan huh? I'm a huge fan.
Right.
It's getting kind of hot in here.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I hate this stupid shirt.
I think it's cute.
Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick "The one that makes me, scream" she said "The one that make me laugh" she said, Threw her arms around my neck Show me how you do it, So how was it? It was awesome.
She was wearing this cherry lip gloss, man.
Can I smell it? - Mm-hmm.
- [Sniffs.]
Dude! Act like you've been there before.
Hey, yo, Frankie.
Yo! What up, T-Money? Yo, nice job in there.
Yeah, Heather said she would have went further, but you ain't try nothing.
Adult Frankie: And then guess what the stoner said.
Ha! Brutal! And right then I knew, he had already told everyone, first high school party I went to.
That I'm in love with you And I was the joke.
[Door opens.]
Hi, honey.
What are you doing up? Uh, can I talk to you, for a second? Of course.
Let me just put my stuff away.
- Welcome home.
- Hi.
I need a late-night snack.
I'm thinking bacon.
What do you say? Eight slices each.
You want in? I'm just gonna dive on in here.
I heard what happened at the party.
How? It was an hour ago.
Ah, Rach told me.
She heard it from her skanky friend Alison.
Awesome.
I know you feel crappy right now.
But just let me ask yo, one thing If you close your eyes, can you still remember kissing that girl? Yeah, I guess.
Well, I've kissed hundreds of girls.
Congrats.
Hey, let me finish the story.
Out of all of those girls, how many do you think I remember? Two The first one and your mother.
And maybe this Filipino nurse with a giant ass.
She was sloppy.
- All right, is this story almost over? - Listen, kiddo, you can't stop life from screwing you when it wants to.
And I know you feel like hell right now.
But you will always remember your first kiss.
Dad, it was so embarrassing.
Well That will pass, I promise.
You know, if things ever get too crappy, you can always come home and have bacon with your mom and me.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
I might have also grabbed her butt.
Well, no one can take that away from you.
[Laughs.]
Frankie, you want to talk? - Um - [Sighs.]
No, it's no big deal, Dad got it.
Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Hmm.
Why do we have to, do this? 'Cause you stole.
Calm down.
It'll be fine.
[Screams.]
Run, boys! Run! [Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
[Panting.]
That should keep that from happening again.
[Sighs.]
You're a pretty sick guy.
Yeah, maybe.
$20 good? Yeah, okay.