Surviving Jack (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

1 After my dream girl turned me down to homecoming, I needed to be alone.
So I went to my secret spot in the library.
Frankie? Heather.
Look.
I made a mistake.
I don't want to go to homecoming with Evan.
You don't? No.
I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you play that trumpet at the sixth-grade assembly.
I'd like you to be my date to homecoming.
Also I'd like you to be my first.
All right, wrap it up.
Dad? You've been in here for 25 minutes.
If you're gonna do that stuff, do it in your room.
Don't waste my water.
It's California.
We're in the middle of a drought.
All right, for homecoming, which one of these dresses says, "I'm the hottest one here but I'm not a bitch about it"? Whichever's harder to unzip in the back of a car.
Both are pretty easy.
Oh-ho-ho! There's my homecoming king.
Damn it.
How come there's never hot water in the morning? You want to handle that one there, your majesty? No.
Thank you.
Uh, mom I don't think I'm gonna be going to homecoming this year.
Why? Because that Heather girl said no? So what? I really liked her.
There are 3 billion women on this planet.
Even if you were picky which you can't afford to be you'd still have plenty of choices.
Do yourself a favor.
Move on.
It's true, honey.
There's plenty of other fish in the sea.
Well, actually, that's not true.
We've over-fished in the oceans.
And in 150 years, we will have depleted most of our natural resources to the point of near-extinction for the human race.
Lately, my parents had been a little on edge with each other.
It's just a saying, Jack.
For people who don't care what words mean.
Oh, you mean words like "Please don't tape over my copy of 'Ghost'.
" I popped it in this morning 'cause it gets me pumped to clean, and what do I see? A stupid episode of the stupid "Commish.
" The stupid "Commish"? I he's juggling a family and trying to run an entire police department.
Okay, you know what? Can I talk to you for a second in the other room? Now.
- We need to have sex.
- Yes.
Okay, but we can't because you have to take the kids to school right now and I have to go to class.
- So this is some kind of sick joke? - No.
Honey, I'm trying to explain why we've been sniping at each other so much.
We haven't had a Romantic night together in weeks and it's not because we let ourselves go, Jack.
We look good.
We do.
What about Tuesday night? I can't.
I have study group.
What about next Monday? Rachel's friends are coming over.
Well, we had a good run.
Before we discuss Friday night's homecoming dance, I just want to say how important it is that you do not drink and drive.
If you need a ride, call one of the nerds.
Love you, nerds.
So, uh, I was thinking, instead of going to homecoming, see "Arachnophobia.
" I'm going to the dance, dude.
You don't have a date.
Here's my move Show up late, find a chick that just got into a fight with her date, look her in the eyes and say, "He doesn't treat you right, girl.
" Then it's on.
You actually think that's gonna work? It's not my first time in ninth grade.
Call me old-fashioned, but I'm actually bringing a proper date.
- Who? - My cousin.
We don't need to tell you why that's a bad idea, right? You know.
Nobody knows she's my cousin.
Your penis will.
It's from Kim Parker.
"Is Frankie going to homecoming? Yes or no.
" I'm gonna go with "maybe.
" In 1991, this was our version of texting.
I can't remember if Kim Parker's cute.
Let's turn around and look but not at the same time.
Remember, if you are caught smoking marijuana cigarettes Not bad.
I guess.
She's no Gabriella.
That's true.
We don't share a grandma.
Immediately, and it will not be returned to you.
She straight-up wants to go with you.
In that moment, I decided the best thing to do was just take my dad's advice and move on.
I'm in.
And due to some complaints from last year's parent chaperones, there will be a new no-grinding policy at the dance this year.
You're seriously outlawing grinding? How are we supposed to express our sexuality? You're not.
That's the point.
This is an outrage! Assembly dismissed! You can't do that.
Hey! She can't do that! You are not dismissed! Oh, great.
The nerds, too.
Hmm.
Dude, my week has totally turned around.
I've got a cute date to homecoming.
I've got, like, three new chest hairs.
They're around my nipples, but it's whatever.
And, uh I'm completely over Heather Blumeyer, so Exactly.
Heather who-meyer, bro.
What the hell did you just say about me? Uh I'm just kidding.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
Well, anyway, I heard you're going to homecoming with Kim.
Yeah.
I'm I'm pretty excited about it, you know? 'Cause, uh, me and Kim have great chemistry.
Kim and I had never spoken.
Well, it's cool you're gonna be there.
We're gonna have fun.
Dude, did you see that? Don't say something stupid.
She totally still likes me.
Mom, the worst thing in the history of the world happened at school today.
They banned grinding at homecoming.
Well, unless "grinding" is another words for "Jews," I think you overstated that.
I got big news.
Do you ever worry that our daughter's becoming too shallow? I mean, what happens when life gets too hard? She's a pretty white girl.
I think the ship has sailed on life getting hard.
Jack, do not bring up that "Nothing they do matters" crap, or I will get full-on crazy.
Frankie got a date to homecoming.
We'll have the house to ourselves tomorrow night.
Oh, my God! I love you! I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Today was homecoming.
We were on the way to pick up our suits, and I was feeling pretty good about myself for one reason.
I'm telling you, dude.
She still likes me.
She said, "We will have fun" We.
Oh, dude.
She said "we"? Whoa, man.
That's some serious porno language right there.
You can laugh all you want, dude, but I know in my gut we still got something going on.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right.
And that's why she's going with He-man.
No, dude.
He's way hotter than He-man.
Easy, guy.
He-man's ripped.
What? Is this a real conversation? Look, all I'm saying is, what if my window with Heather is still open? Clearly, it was not.
Okay.
Yeah, he's way hotter than He-man.
In three hours, this house will be as it is in my dreams Without kids.
Here's to homecoming.
I'm not going to homecoming.
I hate this place.
You are going to this dance tonight.
You're not staying in the house.
I don't care who this girl's dating.
This is him.
Holy crap.
I don't even think you and him are the same species.
I mean, I wouldn't let your mom near him.
I-I get it.
He's handsome.
Nah, I feel as though "handsome" doesn't even do it.
I think we should invent a new word.
Uh, sorry.
Look.
How about if I give you 20 bucks and you go see a few movies? Why can't I just stay here? Because I can't have sex with your mom if you're in the house.
I mean, I can, but she doesn't feel comfortable with it.
Mom, help me do my hair like this Russian model only hotter.
Speaking of Russia, you know what's going on there, right? Communism is collapsing.
And so are my bangs.
Can you hand me that hair spray? Honey Let me ask you a question.
If you could change one thing in this world, what would it be? Doug would be two inches taller.
And? They'd allow grinding at homecoming.
Okay.
Well Those are two of the biggies.
Mom, it's a big deal.
It's censorship.
No, it's not, sweetie.
We're talking about you rubbing your butt into somebody's crotch.
They're telling us how to act based on what they deem acceptable.
Actually, that does kind of sound like censorship.
No doy.
Well, maybe you should do something about it.
Like spread a rumor that the principal came on to me? Wow.
No.
I'm I'm thinking more along the lines of a peaceful protest.
You know, our our country has a long history of strong women who were made famous for for standing up for what they believe in women like Susan B.
Anthony, Rosa Parks, and Gloria Steinem.
They were famous, huh? I get that.
Frankie won't be a problem anymore.
Oh, I love it when you talk like a mobster.
Hmm.
By the way, how did you convince him to go? I didn't.
I sent him to the movies.
What about Kim? - What about who? - His date.
He can't ditch his date.
She's sitting at home right now expecting our son to pick her up.
Well, isn't that a problem for her parents? Uh, J Honey No.
Frankie! - Shh! - Dad? What are you doing here? Yeah, change of plans there, chief.
You can't just ditch your date.
Oh.
- I totally forgot about her.
- Hmm.
Ah, you know what it was? I was just so in my head.
Sounds like a great story for your journal.
Let's go.
John Goodman dies in the end.
All right.
It's go time.
We have to pick up Frankie's date in 20, which means we have to leave A.
S.
A.
P.
Mango, it's good to see your dumb face.
Why aren't you dressed? Because I'm not going to homecoming.
Why? Because I'm taking a stand against an oppressive leadership that's trying to violate my civil liberties.
My God, what have you done? Look.
I know, I'm messing up our night.
And I know as far as causes go, dry-humping is a silly one.
No, it's great.
I can't wait to read her miniskirt manifesto.
Okay, look.
Today it's grinding.
Tomorrow It could be apartheid.
In 50 years, she could lead a rebellion against our robot overlords.
Wow, that went from zero to crazy real fast.
I am getting those damn kids out of our house, Joanne.
Okay, Jack, if this is about sex We can do it tomorrow morning.
It's the principle.
I will not have our lives held hostage by children.
But yes to the morning thing.
I'm shooting for both.
If Rachel's not going to homecoming, do I have to go? - Yes.
- Well I never picked up my suit and the rental place is closed.
It's not a problem.
I'm not wearing this.
What? You're too good for that suit? Okay, you go talk to Rachel.
I'm gonna drive Frankie and his date to the dance.
Let's go.
I can't believe we're gonna miss homecoming.
I've been looking forward to this night all year.
Doug, so help me God, if you start crying I'm barely holding it together.
I'm barely holding it together but in a completely different way.
Come on, guys.
What are you waiting for? Let's go.
The dance was in full effect.
Mikey didn't have money to blow on a suit rental or $40 for tickets, so he improvised.
Who the hell is that? Oh, that's my cousin.
I take back everything I ever said about you.
Her mom said it's gonna be another couple minutes.
Is this normal behavior for this girl? I don't know.
We've only talked through notes.
What are you, John and Abigail Adams? Who? Kim looked fantastic.
And then she opened her mouth.
How come we're not going in a limo? The theme is renaissance ball.
I'm supposed to feel like a princess.
You know, most renaissance princesses were the product of incest and sold like property to consolidate power.
I know how to open a door.
Ew, it smells like the '80s! What? No.
Why? Wow, she's horrible.
So, I dropped Frankie off at the dance with an awful human being.
Doug, why are you still here? Well Doug, am I talking to you? Where's Rachel? She's in her room.
I don't know how to tell her to go without abandoning her principles.
Have you tried threatening her? Doug, sit down.
No.
I'm not going.
Someone needs to take a stand.
- Oh! - Joanne, not now.
Look, honey, how about if I give you $20 and you go see a few movies? Really? Is that your only move? I need to make a difference.
She can't make a difference here in her room.
Doug, if I need your help, I'll shine a big dopey smile into the night sky.
I want to dance! Look, honey, Mango is right.
You're not doing anything by just sitting here.
Oh, my God.
Totally.
Rosa Parks didn't just sit in her room.
She walked onto that bus and sat right in the front.
This is exactly the same thing.
Right, mom? Well, I don't know if I would - say exactly the same.
- Oh, I think it's very similar.
Mom, what do you think I should do? I think you need to go make a difference.
Like Rosa? Y-yes.
Exactly.
We're going to hell.
My homecoming was sucking.
But George's wasn't.
His plan to look cool was actually working.
Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! He didn't even care they got his name wrong.
Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Jimmy's on fire! Oh! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Go Jimmy! Nice shoes.
Thanks.
I, uh I wanted something that said, "I'm the hottest one here but I'm not being a bitch about it.
" I kind of think you're being a bitch about it.
Frankie! Um, well, I should go.
Oh, my God.
When are they gonna play "The Humpty Dance"? I don't know.
They've played it like six times tonight, so probably soon.
- You know what's crazy? - Hmm? It's like fate that you and I are here together.
Yeah.
I mean, Heather totally thought you guys were gonna go together.
Wait, what? Oh, my God! "The Humpty Dance"! All right.
We're here.
Have fun.
Get out.
Now.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Dr.
Dunlevy, I just want that dress comes off I will end you.
Understood.
No.
No, no.
Having fun? Mm.
Well, look at the bright side.
At some point, that succubus you're with has to be summoned back to the depths of hell.
I don't really care about Kim.
So, why are you moping around out here? I had a chance with Heather and I blew it.
And I know.
It's stupid because there's a billion other girls out there.
But she's the only one I can think about.
I know.
I need to move on.
Okay.
Okay.
The first time I saw your mother, she was waiting tables at this diner next to my med school.
And I thought to myself, "Holy cow, wow.
" So I asked her out.
And she turned me down.
- Really? - I know.
It shocked me, too.
I was a doctor with 3% body fat.
Yeah, I get it.
You were a catch.
Oh, you're damn right I am.
Anyway I could have moved on, but I just couldn't stop thinking about her.
So I ate at that diner every day for a year, which brought me up to 5% in body fat.
But but when the time was right, I made my move.
Sounds like stalking.
Mm.
Probably would be today.
The laws were different then.
The point is If I had moved on, I wouldn't be with the person that I love more than anything.
Seriously, that's George's cousin.
They share DNA.
You sure you don't want to go after her? I knew right then, looking at Heather, that I would wait however long it took to get her.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Apart.
Because when something is worth it This is for Rosa Parks.
You do whatever it takes I am firing that history teacher.
Even when the things you want take a really long time to get.
When I first asked you out, how did you say no to me? Hmm? I was 3% body fat.
I think it's 'cause you opened with that information.
Ah.
But maybe I didn't have to be my dad.
Maybe I didn't have to wait.
And when something feels this right, no matter how it ends up You son of a bitch.
It is totally worth it.
Mom? It was a total disaster.
He's such a jerk.
You wouldn't even believe it.
No, he didn't do that.
Ew! Look, can you just come pick me up, please? I-I just want to go home.
He doesn't treat you right, girl.
Let's go for a walk.
Okay.