Swedish Dicks (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

1 INGMAR: The city at night, it could be a dangerous place.
Get down! With your hands up! Do it! INGMAR: Because that's when the bad guys like to come out and play.
Two of you are lucky that I'm in a good mood today.
Otherwise, I'd kick both your asses! Make sure he is not a cop.
Hey! Why don't you prove to me you ain't no cop? Ooh, great abs.
You work out? Mostly good genes.
From my mother's side.
I would like to meet her one day.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[LAUGHS.]
So, to keep things fair, see? No wire.
And no abs.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, real men don't need abs.
Can we get down to biz? You got the cars.
I got the money.
Great.
We'll take you to the cars.
Hey, not so fast.
I don't do business with someone I haven't met.
Dimitri, I need to meet him.
Nobody meets Dimitri.
Who are you? Who am I? Ha! Who am I? Ha! Who am I? Ha! Hey! Excuse me.
Could you please stop making those crazy noises? You're scaring my kids.
TRIP: Whoa.
[GRUNTS.]
So what do you say? You get me a meeting with Dimitri or what? We'll talk to him.
See what he says.
Let's get the fuck outta [ENGINE STARTS.]
And the Oscar goes to Mr.
Excellent Job! Yeah.
Really? Because I was kinda nervous.
No! It was brilliant! Down to the very last detail.
Including the fake pee.
What? I didn't Yeah.
Oh.
Swedish Dicks 1x07 I think it was the sound of the gun going off that made me, you know Eh, the same thing happened to me once.
Oh, really? Yeah.
When I was a baby.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
What's that? What? That sound.
Oh, shit! Yeah? [INDISTINCT MUMBLING.]
Great.
Was that Dimitri? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
He wants to meet me tomorrow.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
INGMAR: Yes! High five! Ingmar! How they hangin'? To the left.
As usual.
Of course they are, you socialist son of a bitch! Good to see ya! Ingmar, you're not still mad at me, are ya? For ten years I'm your stunt double makin' you look like a kickass action star, and when shit hits the fan, I need you to back me up, you completely abandon me, so the answer to your question is yes! Not cool, man.
Not cool.
Hi.
I'm Axel, by the way.
All right.
I should've backed you up.
You know how it is in this biz.
You back the wrong pony, your career is over.
Finito.
Kaput.
Done.
I'd say more words like that, but I've run out.
I think you get the point, huh? So, you're here to finally apologize? - God no.
In fact - [CHUCKLES.]
as far as the stunt community goes, you are toxic.
I had to come in through the back entrance just in case somebody saw.
Get the hell out of my office.
I wanna hire you.
To do what? To see if one of your mistresses is cheating on you? No.
It's my daughter.
Nicky.
CHIP: Say hi, Nicky.
S'up? She's being bullied.
Digitally.
- Oh.
Oh, that's terrible.
- CHIP: Yeah, it is.
And what's worse, we have no idea who's doin' it.
Well, Ingmar's busy on another assignment, but I'd be glad to take your case.
I mean, not only to help your daughter, but because, believe it or not, I, myself, have often been the victim of bullying.
Why wouldn't I believe it? I mean, Jesus Christ, look at ya.
I mean, no offense, boychik, but I need a real P.
I.
Hey.
Don't you talk to him like that.
Actually, he's not half bad.
Ing, coming from you, that's a real compliment.
All right, okay, you're hired.
Oh.
Congratulations, boychik.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sometimes, the end did justify the means.
And sometimes it wasn't only at night bad guys came out to play.
[GUNSHOT.]
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
Some of them had no problem at all revealing themselves in the full light of the sun which unfortunately was something I became even more painfully aware of in the upcoming days.
You must be the badass I've been hearing so much about.
And you must be Dimitri.
Sorry about the mess.
Well, like they say, "Good help is hard to find.
" "Good help is hard to find"? [LAUGHS.]
Yes! Good help is hard to find! [ALL LAUGH.]
I love it! Here! Oh, that's a nice gift, but no, I can't accept it.
Not a gift.
I want you to use it.
On her.
You Right! When in Rome.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pull the fucking trigger, so I know you're not a cop.
Mm-hmm.
[CLICKS.]
[INHALES.]
If I let you kill my last maid, who do you think would clean up the fucking place? Who would clean up the fucking place? [LAUGHS.]
[ALL LAUGH.]
No me, no you.
I'm not a cleaning lady.
Who would clean up the fucking place? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, you got me there.
While I tried my best not to kill the maid, which I didn't want to, or to kill Dimitri, which I really wanted to, Axel was getting ready to do some undercover work at our client's daughter's school.
Remember, I have to look young enough to pass as a Swedish high school exchange student.
Yeah, piece of cake.
What do you think? Y I think you didn't do anything.
Nothing to do.
You already look like a prepubescent teenager.
We've been here two hours.
It takes a long time to do nothing.
SUN: We here.
Your car.
It's really nice.
This not my car.
No? Whose is it? Don't know.
Don't care.
You stole it? I no steal! I borrow.
Shit.
What? Authority figure.
Quick.
Kiss me like you kiss Mommy good-bye.
No.
Hey, uh [GRUNTING.]
See? Kissing like Mommy totally work.
No.
That's not how moms kiss their kids good-bye.
What? I no use tongue.
[EXHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
Ah.
[EXHALES.]
So you've met me like you asked.
Are you ready to buy my cars? Not sure yet.
[EXHALES.]
What's the hold up? Still tryin' to figure out what kinda man I'm dealing with.
If I can trust him.
When you say "him", you mean me, right? Right.
Sorry.
English sometimes little confusing.
So how 'bout I show you how much I trust you and that way maybe you'll trust me? That sounds good.
What are you doing? In animal kingdom, this is trust.
Ultimate.
It's ultimate for sure.
[BREATHES HEAVILY.]
Do you see anything? I think you know what I see.
Do you see any signs of the "C?" The "C?" The big "C.
" Well, the "C" is not that big right now, but I'm-I'm sure in the right circumstances [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
you do pretty well for yourself, Dimitri.
No, no! The big "C!" Cancer! Cancer? [EXHALES.]
The doctors say I have it maybe.
I-I'm waiting for test result.
[EXHALES.]
Do you see any sign? [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
So, you're a Swedish foreign exchange student? Yeah.
That thing is right! Which is sad.
Yeah.
You look a little old to be in high school.
Well, I have aged very badly because my homeland has very cold weather.
And, uh, very high taxes, you know, so it's it gets [BLOWS AIR THROUGH LIPS.]
Jumpin' jiminy! I wouldn't mind sharing my herring with her! [CHUCKLES.]
I heard, uh, you two were supposed to go on a date.
Yeah, but she canceled at the last minute.
I'd already bought the movie tickets.
And the condoms.
Mm-hmm.
I suppose that must have made you very angry at her.
Yeah.
I wanted to kill her.
Well, uh, thank you so mycket much for a very interesting conversation! I'm going to kill him.
Kill who? The doctor.
[SIGHS.]
Just because he told you you might have cancer? Yes.
That's your answer for everything, isn't it? Something pisses you off, you kill it.
I can't help it.
I am wired this way.
Besides, people fear me is good for business.
Business I understand, but you also do it when it has nothing to do with business.
Like with your maid.
That was totally business.
That wasn't my maid.
That was a hit man disguised as a maid sent to kill me.
Okay.
Now, what about the stunt man some ten years ago that you killed because he was sleeping with your girlfriend? Uh, I-I didn't kill this fucking stunt man! No.
No? No.
That's not what I heard.
Believe me, I wanted to.
Yes, nice and slow.
But the little shit died on me before I could.
BOTH: Go! Fight! Win! Go! Fight! Win! Go Tigers! Whoo! Whoo! [ALL LAUGH.]
That's so good! In Sweden we don't have, uh, cheerleaders.
- What? That's impossible! - Why not? We don't really have that much to cheer for.
Really, it's You know, by the way, I heard you two are best friends forever with, uh, Nicky Stone.
Were BFFs.
Really? What-what happened? She started putting on weight.
So we had to cut her from the squad.
So she told us to go fuck ourselves.
- Can you believe that shit? - Mm.
[CHANTING.]
Can you believe, believe, believe that shit? Whoo! Whoo! [CHUCKLES.]
Ya-ya, so-so, when she told you to, uh - BOTH: Go fuck ourselves? - Yeah, yeah.
You, uh, you were angry at her? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
Actually, we wanted to kill her.
We still do.
Well, th-th-thank you so mycket much for a very interesting conversation.
Thank you.
BOTH: Go! Fight! Win! Okay.
It's all there.
Congratulations.
You are now the proud owner of 30 stolen luxury cars.
- Great.
- Here.
Your keys.
Great.
All the keys to all of my stolen cars.
That's great.
Don't sound so happy.
You want some? No, I'm fine.
- [SNIFFS.]
- [SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
[SNIFFS.]
Yeah, Chip, it's Axel.
I just wanted to update you on your daughter's case.
You any closer to finding out who it is? Well, I've talked to a lot of students Ugh.
I can't stand her ass.
She is so annoying.
She told me that my hair looked like a leprechaun.
She took my essay from me.
- Total - bitch.
She messed up my science project because she wanted to take a selfie.
She once pantsed me and sent the video to my grandmother.
She died the next day.
I'm beginning to hate her, too.
And I've narrowed the list of who might be bullying your daughter down to 43 people.
Forty-three! Well, your daughter has a lot of enemies.
Of course she does! And you would too if your daddy was a movie star! Well, I guess that makes sense.
Uh, listen, um, I-I'll call you back when I know more.
Okay? Bye.
Exactly who are you and what are you doing on this campus? I am a Swedish exchange student! The hell you are.
Norwegian? So, you've been hired by Nicky's father to find out who's been bullying her? Yeah, that's correct.
You can kill the accent.
Right.
Sorry.
Absolutely.
You're still doing it.
N-no.
No.
Well, I-I-I'll try harder.
Well, I appreciate what her father is trying to accomplish, because bullying is not a good thing.
But I really wish he had told us he was hiring a private investigator to infiltrate the school.
But now that you know, it'll be okay if I continue? No.
It's against the school policy.
Ah.
Well, I'll just have to figure out another way of finding out who's been doing it.
Which is a shame because I really enjoy speaking like this! Yeah, I'm not hearin' a difference.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
INGMAR: While Axel once again had his cover blown, I ran into a dead end.
I hadn't found Tex's killer.
All I had was a bunch of keys to a bunch of stolen cars.
There was only one person who could help me.
So, you robbed two robbers who robbed a poker game? They were dead when I robbed them.
Dead? Did you kill them? Of course not.
They killed each other over some broad.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You wanted the stolen money - so that you could get near "The Nob"? - Yeah.
By pretending you wanted to buy some stolen cars he was selling.
- Which you bought.
- Yeah.
And now I own them.
And all this because you thought he was responsible for Tex's death.
Yeah.
Now, please, what am I supposed to do with these stolen cars? Huh? Okay, before I tell you what to do about the cars, I need you to promise me that you're gonna let this whole Tex thing go.
Yeah, I promise.
Okay, again, but this time with feeling.
[SOFTLY.]
I promise.
Now please give me some expert legal advice what to do with these cars.
Okay.
Here it is.
You ready? Yeah.
Nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
You leave them where they are and you pray no one connects you back to them, because if they do you could be in big, big, big trouble.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Okay.
[INHALES.]
Hello? AXEL: Hey, what up, bitch? Huh? - What did you say? - I've been hanging out with the Kids.
Do you know someone who can help me hack the internet? Yes, I think I have the right man.
His name is Lloyd, Big Lloyd.
INGMAR: Big Lloyd, he was the best in the biz, and we go way back, but all the hours behind the computer got the best of him and his family begged him to quit.
No.
Monica.
Come on.
Lloyd's not doing that shit anymore! I know, but this is for a good cause.
Someone's bullying a high school girl.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Lloyd! Ingmar's here and he wants you to do some hacking.
Yes! Hacking! [BEEPING.]
So you and Ingmar.
You two go together about as good as me and my ex.
Yeah, it's true.
We're a little different.
I know you.
You were a DJ! Yes.
That's right.
You were good.
Well, I wasn't bad.
Why'd you quit? Long story.
Maybe you should tell me.
Some day.
Or night.
What? Axel, she takes care of you.
Oh-oh, yeah, yeah.
Some day or night.
Yes.
Sure.
I'd like that.
[COMPUTERIZED VOICE.]
Accessing archives.
I got your bully! Bingo! Yes! Someone named Mr.
Niddels? AXEL: Mr.
Niddels? I would never, ever bully one of my own students.
But we have proof.
The messages were sent from your computer.
I-I don't care what the proof says.
I didn't send anything from my computer.
I swear! Hmm.
I don't get it.
All the evidence clearly points at Nicky's English teacher, but I really believe him when he says he didn't do it.
You same as me.
You have strong female intuition.
Yes.
I do.
Are you? Female? - Sun - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Did you get the picture? AXEL: Yeah.
Big Lloyd did a little more work last night, and he pulled that picture off of the teacher's computer.
W-w-w-what do you mean? The teacher is not just bullying her? He's also taking pictures of her? You don't get it.
That picture was taken from the teacher's computer time stamped while Nicky was typing on the computer.
So she's bullying herself.
What do you mean she's bullying herself? Nicky was upset about a grade an English teacher gave to her, so she decided to get back at him.
Ingmar, this is ridiculous.
I'm beggin' ya.
Take over the case.
Find out the real truth like a real detective.
Axel is a real detective, and he found out the real truth.
You're loving this, aren't ya? Loving what? That for once in your miserable life you have the upper hand.
Because your daughter is a success, and my daughter is a fuck up.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Agreed.
You know why my daughter's a fuck up? - Because you're a bad parent? - Shut up! Because I'm rich, because I'm famous, which is something he will never be.
Well, you're not that famous, Chip.
Tell that to the people in Cyprus! The Greeks love me! We're outta here.
Okay, see you later, losers.
Case closed.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS.]
[CAR ALARMS CHIRPING.]
[CHIRPING CONTINUES.]