Swedish Dicks (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

Girls Day!

I just - I just wanted - It's fine, Axel.
Okay.
But I feel like I need to apologize.
I said, it's fine.
I lied to you.
- Yep.
- I'm sorry.
For God's sake, can we change the subject? Everything's normal.
We're just a couple of normal detectives.
Normal? I'm just trying to change the subject.
I wish somebody would walk through that door right now, huh? [DOOR OPENS] Mornin', ladies.
Why do I ever open my mouth? So Ingmar can put a Swedish dick in it? Just guessing.
- This is not a good day, Jane.
- Aw.
- This is an emotionally tender morning.
- What's the matter? Did Ingmar find out you've been lying to him and taking the fake identity of one Floyd Calhoun? And if the authorities find out, you'll be deported, and Ingmar will lose his license.
Even jail time.
That whole shit storm? That's right, bitches.
So, here's the deal.
You're gonna do me a little favor.
You're gonna pretend to be good little detectives for once in your sad little lives, and I'm gonna hand over all the dirt I have on your little friend Floyd here.
Or is it Axel? Flaxel.
Is that a thing? You notice that I'm here without my goons.
I am goon-less.
What does that tell you? This is some sensitive shit.
- Like this.
- D Oh! - [AXEL GROANS] - You see how one wrong move, and everything can just break apart? I'll keep your sensitive shit secret as long as you don't fuck up.
Okay, what do you want from us? A little bit of bounty hunting.
Swedish Dicks 2x09 "Girls Day!" Jan 22, 2018 [JANE] This man was murdered six months ago in Omaha.
His family is very sad, as you can imagine, and they want the guy who did this brought to justice.
The problem is, the killer was a member of a criminal syndicate, the fiercest in all of Omaha.
And the Omaha police, they've been paid off by these gangsters, so they'll get no justice if they wait for the cops.
Fortunately for them, they came to me.
Where do you keep all those folders? Back, Flaxel, back.
The killer is Rick Santini.
At first I thought I would just track him down and bring him in myself, and then I started thinking, "Why should I put my life at risk finding this terrible, crazy killer when I could have my old pals the Swedish Dicks take a crack at it for free?" You want us to find this guy? Find him, cuff him and bring him in.
You do have cuffs, don't you? Not the furry kind, the big-boy kind? Yes, we do.
Only, Ingmar won't let me use them.
- Because you always lose the keys.
- That happened one time.
- No! It happened more than once.
- Zip it! We'll do it.
- We're on the case.
- Excellent.
Yeah, thank Wait, Rick Santini.
It's too easy to track people these days.
Okay, guys, I got him.
Whatcha got? He in the Nebraska mob, the meanest crime syndicate in the Midwest.
- Other than the lowans.
- How do you know all this? You ever met an lowan? They all friendly in your face.
They smile, you smile.
Then whoosh! Machete in your back.
Is "whoosh" a machete sound? I feel like it would be more like a "shing!" [CHUCKLES] Thank you.
Yeah, I think I have it.
Yeah.
[AXEL] Hey, you okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah? I mean, after everything with Brad? - Yeah.
- [INGMAR] Okay, I got something, a name.
Tony McFee.
It's a guy who used to find employment for people with criminal records.
He would wipe their records clean and find them a place to work.
Well, that's a pretty noble cause.
He's doin' 15 years for it.
Boy, this country loves to put people in jail.
[INGMAR] Well, it turns out that this guy found employment for our guy Rick, so I want you to find out where Tony McFee's locked up.
Got it.
[SARAH GASPS] Shit! Hey, that's the prison Tex is in.
Oh, no.
- Okay, let's go.
- See you later.
And, uh, good luck.
- Oh, I mean - Thanks.
I - Feel better.
- Right, yeah.
- It's - Yeah, I get it.
- Yeah, but also good luck with - [INGMAR] Axel! - Thank - Okay.
Bye, bye.
[DOOR CLOSES, LOCKS] Okay, now that it's just us, I have solution.
A solution for? I accept challenge to cheer you up.
- Okay, first of all, I don't need - So I do research, and what you need to forget about the pain of Brad is girls' day! Why are you saying it like that? That's what the American girls do, right? [ENERGETICALLY] Girls' day! [SCREAMS] Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! [TEX] Sure, I know who he is.
The bad news is, Tony McFee is an Omaha mobster.
He didn't serve any time at all.
He's got one of those get-out-of-jail-free cards.
- Shit! - But the good news is, I reached out to some funk friends.
Couldn't hurt, right? - And? - Jackpot.
Turns out Rick Santini made a splash in the L.
A.
go-go scene a couple of years ago.
According to my friend Trumpet John, Santini is a beast on the funk flute.
- Hmm.
That's a coincidence.
- Wait till you hear this.
One time Santini forgot his flute at the Hotdog Club, and John went to return it to him.
Oh! So he knows where he lives? No.
But he knows where he works.
See, the thing about a tank top is that it's 20% less fabric than a traditional shirt, but it goes for the exact same price.
That 20%, well, that's pure profit, fellas.
Ain't that right, boys? [CHUCKLES] So how's about you guys? What brings you down here? Lookin' to get some high-quality tanks off the books? I'm your man.
Have you ever seen this guy? Oh, no, does not look familiar.
Sorry, fellas.
- Oh, I was hoping we'd find him here.
- Nope, definitely not.
Never seen him before.
Thanks anyways.
Take care.
Bye.
All right, boys, we only got between Memorial Day and Labor Day.
Let's hustle up! What? Hey! Shit! Shit, get him.
Get him! - Hey! Stop! - Wait! Stop! - Stop! Stop! - Hey, stop! Please! Please? "Please"? Yeah, what? It doesn't hurt to be polite.
Maybe you got a point there.
Oh! I love it.
Girls' day.
Yes, Queen.
Guys, I'm just not in the mood.
Mood has nothing to do with girls' day.
Yeah, girls' day will put you in the right mood.
Just relax.
And don't think about the man who screw you and broke your heart.
Yeah, thanks, great.
I'll try not to think about all the things you just reminded me of.
- See? It working already.
- Just let your mind wander off.
Yeah, relax.
Just let go of the tension.
The hurt.
The layers of betrayal.
Stop, stop! I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
Sarah, you must complete task of girls' day to get over Brad.
Yeah.
Get over that pretty boy.
But this isn't me.
You know how I deal with things? I work.
And I work.
And I keep working until I forget about the fact that I don't have a love life anymore.
- You know, the healthy way? - That is so sad.
Who told you to stop playing? Play! Continue! I love girls' day.
[INGMAR] I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but we do have something special for a Mr.
Rick Santini.
Uh, I saw him earlier, but I think he left.
- Oh, darn! - Dang.
Dang, shoot! Well, I tell you what.
You just give us his address, and we'll run this over to him personally.
I'm sorry, fellas.
I can't give out my employees' personal information.
I do that, I violate our policy.
While we appreciate that very smart policy, - because privacy's important - Yup.
this isn't just any package.
No, this is a prize check from Nebraska's Golden Sweepstakes.
Which we must deliver to Rick Santini personally.
Yeah.
I understand that, but, uh, rules are rules.
And rules are supposed to be followed.
Right? - [BOTH] Right.
- And again, we appreciate you sticking to the rules, but Nebraska's Golden Sweepstakes, they also have their rules, sir.
So where the hell does Rick live? Uh, 28 Judith Drive.
Blue house on the left.
Take Santa Monica.
You'll avoid the freeway.
Oh.
Thank you, sir.
That was easy.
Thank you.
Okay, guys.
I have to call it a day.
No, I have whole plan.
You're not allowed to back out on girls' day.
Yeah, she's right.
You need this, babe.
Yeah.
Next on list: girl talk.
What's Brad like in bed? No, Sun, I-I don't I, I what? I actually would not mind hearing that.
He looks like the kind of guy who waxes his chest.
- Is he? - That's gross.
No.
He Well, yeah, actually.
Axel doesn't have enough chest hair to wax.
It's kind of like having a prepubescent Aryan lay on top of you.
Not like he's an actual Nazi.
He's very progressive on a number of things.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you saying you and Axel aren't, you know, good? No, we're good.
That's sort of the problem.
We're just good.
You know? At first it was so exciting.
He was a deejay, he was a private detective, he shot a guy once.
But when it comes down to it, he's kind of boring.
But seriously, Eve, I mean, if you're not happy, maybe you should Oh, no, I'm happy.
It's just that I want something, you know, more exciting.
You know, a new dynamic, something fresh.
Maybe I should get pregnant.
Is that crazy? - Yes.
- Very crazy.
So, why don't you break up with him? Why you keep talking? Play.
[SIGHS] - [AXEL] Hey, Ingmar? - Yeah? - I've been thinking.
- Good.
I don't want to hear.
No, but I It was wrong of me to Can we stay on the case? No, that's what I'm talking about.
I feel a connection to Rick.
His past is coming back to haunt him.
No, he's just trying to cover up his mistake.
You made up for yours.
How? Before I met you, my best friend was a murderer who tried to kill me.
And you, you risked your own life to save mine.
You're forgiven.
- Did you just call me your best friend? - Nope.
- Check it out.
- [AXEL] He's about to leave town.
Yeah.
Show time.
Thanks, partner.
Don't move.
I got a gun.
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot, okay? I got kids.
No, okay, I lied.
I don't got kids.
But, you know, I'm, like, a pretty good person.
You know, I recycle Hey! Hey! Okay, we're not gonna shoot you.
We're just gonna take you in.
I know where you're takin' me.
- [SHOUTS] - Hey! We're not gonna kill you! You were hired by Jane McKinney, weren't ya? Well, she's workin' for the mob, which means I'm not goin' to jail.
I'm not goin' to a courthouse.
You hand me over to Jane McKinney, the mob will kill me.
- What? - You sure? Yeah, pretty sure.
Be careful.
They're hot.
[AXEL] Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
This must be where cookies go when they die.
[CHUCKLES] I'm glad you like 'em.
Can ya explain why these guys are after ya? Born on the mean streets of Omaha, die on the mean streets of Omaha.
I'm not American, but I'm pretty sure no one says that.
Okay, look.
I used to do some bad things for 'em you know, burglaries, a few drug deals.
But when they asked me to kill somebody, that's where I drew a line.
So, uh, I left town.
And when they found out I was here in L.
A.
, they hired a local to track me down and bring me to 'em.
Jane? Yeah, she's infamous for doing any job as long as it pays.
You can't hand me over to Jane.
Otherwise, you'll be killers too.
- So we can't bring him to Jane.
- No.
Thank you.
You are a good person.
So we have to kill him.
I take it back! - What? - Trust me.
[VOMITING INTO TOILET] [INGMAR] You're okay in there? No.
- I don't wanna die.
- You're not gonna die.
Hey, listen, we're gonna tell Jane that we tracked you down.
And that you attacked us, and Ingmar had to shoot you in self-defense.
You can trust us.
No, but they'll find me.
Eventually, they'll find me.
No, they won't.
Because you will have a new identity.
Uh, this says I get a free six-inch sub? Oh! Oh, sorry.
Wrong one.
Oh.
[AXEL] You're going to be safe.
Because you are going to be Floyd Calhoun.
[WHISPERING] Floyd Calhoun? It's for the best.
[SARAH] Kinda smells funny.
Smell is of donkey's milk, fish sperm, mixed with dead baby seals.
Fish sperm? Yeah.
Fish sperm.
- It's organic.
- Ugh, it's gross.
Just breathe with your mouth.
No smell.
I like it.
I feel moisturized.
That's the dead baby seals working.
[EXCLAIMS] Enough! Listen, I already feel like an idiot that I didn't find out about Brad earlier.
I feel dumb and alone, and the fact that you made me rub dead baby seal over my face doesn't make me feel any better.
Oh, Sarah.
I'm so sorry.
I just trying to help you.
You always there for Ingmar and Axel, and I just want to make sure someone there for you.
That's so sweet.
[GROANS] Shit on me.
[SIGHS] That is so sweet, Sun.
I'm sorry I've been a girls' day party pooper.
It's okay.
Girls' day not really my style either.
[GASPS] How about shooting range with picture of naked Brad as target? Now you're talkin' my language! Hey What, hey - Hey, Dad.
- Hey, guys? - What Eve? - Hey, baby! What the hell are you doin' in my office? What's that stuff on your faces? And who the hell is sitting on my desk? Never seen him before.
You get the hell out of my office! - See you at the shooting range.
- What Hey, we got some really important work we got to do here now.
- Okay, we need a makeover.
- Finally! Girls' day! I'm good at Photoshop.
- Look up.
- Like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, good.
Password "fiddlesticks.
" Sit here.
Sit, sit.
Okay.
I give you wound there.
Let's see.
Here it is.
Oh! Great.
Birth certificate, social security.
- Yeah.
Anything else? - Bills.
Your I.
D.
- Oh, I.
D.
- Anything that you have.
Are you sure this is gonna work? - Hello? - Just shut your mouth.
- Okay.
- Driver's license.
Oh, you look so cute.
[SUN] Bullet hole is done.
I'm gonna lay you down here, all right? - I have another credit card.
- You're amazing.
My P.
I.
license.
Open your eyes, hold your breath, and try to look dead.
- [INGMAR] That's great.
Great.
- Okay.
That's, um That's it.
That's my whole life.
- [PHONE LINE RINGING] - Jane? Yeah, something happened, and, uh, we need to meet you as soon as possible.
What the hell, Jane? - Calm down, Ingmar! Calm down! - Shut up, Axel! I thought we had a deal.
What's got your panties in a bunch? Okay, you set us up.
You told us to track this guy down, and we did! The moment we knocked on his door, he started shooting at me.
I told you he was a killer! What were you expecting, a Girl Scout? He shot him, Jane! Ingmar killed Rick Santini! He is dead.
Hot damn.
I didn't think you had the balls.
No? But anything for money, right, Jane? Aw, come on.
This family I'm workin' for? They might consider this justice.
- You got proof? - Yeah.
We figured you might ask that.
Looks good and dead to me.
You happy? I still think you guys suck as detectives.
And I hate your accent.
One of you smells like old meat.
But, you know, some people think old meat is a delicacy.
[CHUCKLES] Bye, bye, girls.
We're even.
You got it? Thanks for not killin' me, guys.
- Anytime.
- Yeah.
And thanks for all this too.
Yeah, the Omaha mob thinks you're dead now, so you just go on livin' your life.
I'll never forget what you've done for me.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS] Goodbye Floyd Calhoun.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Hey.
Are we gonna talk about the fact that your name isn't Floyd? Yes.
I'm sorry I lied.
Just, I had to, to protect Ingmar.
But it's all over now.
I'm just Axel.
- I'm here illegally.
- Hmm.
I know.
It's so hot.
And now you have to go back to Switzerland.
- Sweden, dummy.
- I But you don't really have to go back, do you? No, I do.
Without Floyd Calhoun, I'm an illegal immigrant.
I can't do this anymore.
I just can't.
But there has to be another way.
Oh, it's okay.
I guess some people are just not cut out for America.
[SIGHS] [PHONE RINGS] - Hey.
- Hey.
[CLEARS THROAT] So, uh, have you booked your flight yet? No.
I-I mean, I will.
I'm just packing up.
God, my whole life is here, you know? - Okay, look.
You can't go.
- I think I have to.
Well, we'll think of something.
I'm not gonna let them deport you.
You don't have to keep helping me.
You have problems of your own.
Oh, my God.
What about marriage? - What about it? - Well, nobody's on to you yet.
If you got married now, you could stay under the radar.
Yeah, uh, I thought about it, but it's just wrong.
Marriage is for people who really love each other.
Hmm.
Babe? When I get married, it will be with someone I really care for.
You know, marriage has always been special to me.
To marry a woman who really gets me, who helps pick me up when I feel down, who just makes me feel happy just by being myself.
You know, someone to go on life's great adventure with Does any of that make sense? [GASPS, SOBS] Yes.
Yes.
A thousand times yes.
Oh, I'll marry you! And you don't have to leave the country at all, and we'll stay together forever.
And we can rush the wedding.
We'll rush the wedding, so that immigration - [SARAH] Axel! - They won't suspect a thing! Axel, are you there? Can you hear me? Isn't this exciting? Oh! I love it when you look scared.
What the fuck is going on?