Sweet Valley High (1994) s01e04 Episode Script

Critical Mess

1 Look right down any crowded hall You see there's a beauty standing Is she really everywhere Or a reflection? One always calls out to you The other's shy and quiet Could there be two different girls Who look the same at Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High? Meet you at Sweet Valley High Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High Meet you at Sweet Valley High Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High Meet you at Sweet Valley High Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High Why don't we take in the volleyball tournament Sunday? We're talking babe fest.
I can't.
I have to pick up my Uncle Andy from the airport.
Tell him to take a cab.
He's a big-time commercial director.
He's used to limos.
I can't tell him to take a cab.
Guess what? Bruce's uncle, a big-time movie director, is coming to Sweet Valley.
Maybe he's making a movie here! Unreal.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Todd, you got a quarter? I'm on my last toad warrior.
Hey, you know? Liz just heard Bruce's uncle may be filming a big action movie in town.
Hey, no way! Maybe he's directing the one with Keanu Reeves and Brad Pitt.
Awesome! Enid, you'll never believe it.
Bruce Patman's uncle is making a new movie here starring Brad Pitt and Christian Slater! Oh, my God! Christian Slater? I love him! Me, too.
I've just gotta meet him.
How? Well, they'll need extras.
You mean, they're casting here? Oh, my God! Hey, guys.
Check this out.
Christian Slater, Ethan Hawke and Enid Rollins starring in a new film directed by Bruce Patman's uncle.
What do you think? I think your pantyhose are on too tight.
I'm telling you, it's true.
He's here casting his next big movie.
If I'm gonna be discovered, I've gotta go buy a new everything! I'll see ya.
That's ridiculous.
Of course it is.
Why would Bruce's uncle be casting in Sweet Valley? Completely absurd.
So, are we shopping? House of Chic after rehearsal.
Bruce, you have to introduce me to your uncle.
Bruce, I'm sure you're aware I'm starring as Lady Macbeth this weekend in the school play.
Really? I'm in it, too.
I play a pivotal role.
Oh, sure.
Witch #2.
Type-casting? Why don't I leave you two tickets at the door for you and a guest? I'll go.
An out-of-town guest.
Better yet, I'll reserve you an entire row.
Whatever your uncle wants.
I'll go.
Whoa, retract your claws.
My Uncle Andy won't be in town till after the play closes.
So save your tickets for someone with time to waste.
I'll go.
So where do I pick up the tickets? At the door.
50 apiece.
Ooh! Hi, Steven.
Hi, Jessica.
Oh, hey, how about an interview for The Oracle? I'm, uh, reviewing your play.
No, you're not.
I mean, not when you've got two tickets to a Pearl Jam concert.
Ha I wish.
Wishes can come true.
Since I'm starring in Macbeth, I can't use them.
That's a nice offer, but Which would you rather review, a 500-year-old play or the hottest group in the world? The paper can find someone else to fill in for you.
Liz, I need you to review the school play for me.
What happened to Steven? He suddenly came into some Pearl Jam tickets.
He's gonna cover the concert for us.
You sure you want me to review Macbeth? Why, do you have a problem with the classics? Not the classics.
My sister.
She's starring in it.
Well, you're the person we always run to in a pinch.
I know you can be objective.
You know, Jess, I've been thinking.
Since I'm playing Macbeth and you're playing Lady Macbeth and they are married, maybe you and I should, you know, do some of the things that married people do.
Great idea, Winston.
You can start off by straightening up my locker, pick up the latest issue of Sassy, and then, on the way home, you can drop off my cheerleading outfit at the cleaners.
And then? Take a cold shower.
Hey, everybody! We're a hit! I just came from the box office, and we're sold out.
Duh! I'm the lead.
What did you expect? Too bad Bruce's uncle won't be there.
He might've discovered one of us.
He still will, after reading my great review.
Aren't you being a bit optimistic? We don't open until tomorrow.
Just a formality.
Liz is reviewing the play.
Oh, Chucky.
Um, what'd I do? Relax, Chuck.
I just felt we should get to know each other better.
We should? And what better way to get to know someone than by doing them a favor.
You want to do me a favor? That's very funny, Chuck.
No, I want you to do me a favor.
See this picture? Oh, good God.
I want you to deliver this photo, along with a copy of the theater review, the second it comes off the presses.
It goes to Andy Patman at the Sweet Valley Lodge.
Think you could do that for me? Oh, we can't give out copies until If you do this for me, there's an autographed photo in it for you.
I can't believe you wanted to come with me.
Me, either, but I had a paper due on Macbeth, and now I don't have to read the Cliff's Notes.
Is this a dagger which I see before me, its handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
Ow! Oh, my! Oweth.
That hurteth.
Blood runs from my hand.
Oh, would that I had some gauze! Lady Macbeth, thou has cast a heavy shadow across my face.
Thou upstageth me for thine own gain.
Aah! Aah! Out, damn spot.
Out, I say! 1, 2 Why, then, 'tis time to do it.
Fie, My Lord, fie! Hi, My Lord.
A soldier afeared.
What need we fear? Enid, come here.
For a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell broth, boil and bubble.
Oh! Oh! Aah! Double, double, toil and trouble.
Fire burn and cauldron bubble! Ya-ha! Can you see me? Let me help you Let me give you A better view La la la, look at me La la la, look at me Jess has a huge part.
She's in every scene.
That'll be news to Shakespeare.
What? Put it this way you better read the book.
Can I have your full attention? La la la, look at me La la la, look at me La la la, look at me, yeah La la la, look at me I wonder what Liz is gonna say about the play.
Let's see.
"A brilliant performance.
A stunning interpretation.
A tour de force.
Two thumbs up.
" I didn't think we were that good.
"We"? I was talking about me.
As always, Jessica, you're your own biggest fan.
Here it is.
Page eight.
"Winston Egbert gave a beautifully anguished performance as Macbeth.
His pain seemed real.
" She got that right.
"The Witches, played by Patty Gilbert, Enid Rollins and Lila Fowler had a hauntingly delightful presence.
" Excellent! "Miss Fowler lent an especially professional tone to the production.
Tres excellent.
" Where am I? She must be saving the best for last.
"And the role of Lady Macbeth was overperformed and loosely interpreted by Jessica Wakefield.
" "Overperformed and loosely interpreted"? She trashed me! My film career is ruined.
Elizabeth! OK, where is she? - Uh-oh.
- What are you all looking at? Oh, hi, Jess.
I didn't see you there.
How could you do this to me? You're my sister.
You could have at least been kind.
Believe me, I was.
Oh, that's low.
No, it's worse than that.
Now we know who the evil twin is.
Uh, you forgot to autograph it.
Come on, Jess.
Cheer up.
It's just a school paper.
It's not that important.
And certainly absorbent.
What effect could a school review have? Guess which Sweet Valley socialite's going to be featured in Andy Patman's newest production.
With Christian Slater? What about Brad Pitt? Let's just say it's a delicious cast.
That's great! Way to go! How did you get the job? I ran into Andy at his hotel.
What were you doing there? Dropping off Liz's review.
I can't believe you'd do something like that.
That is so tacky.
I see.
Well, how might that compare with your sending a copy of the review along with a picture of yourself in a bikini? Would you consider what I did to be more tacky, less tacky, or about the same? Whoa.
Well, I've gotta go report for my wardrobe fitting.
Ciao! Come on, Jess.
You can't be mad at me forever.
I didn't ask for the job.
It was assigned to me.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I had to be objective.
This is ridiculous.
You're blowing it way out of proportion.
Will you please say something to me? Go away! That's something.
You didn't want me to be a star in that movie and become famous.
You're jealous, so you're just trying to hold me back! Hold you back? I wanted that part more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, and your stupid review cost me the job.
How? Andy Patman read it, OK? And based on that, Lila's in the movie, and I'll never get to be a star, thanks to you.
Hey, come on, let's go get some lunch.
Oh, we're gonna stay here and work on the next fight.
Come on! I hope this works.
Jessica's hardly talking to me.
And you're complaining? Closed set.
Looks like we can't go in.
Come on.
What are they gonna do to us? Are you coming or going? Coming.
Well, either way, you're blocking the door.
Do you know where we can find Mr.
Patman? Inside, if you'll let me through.
Tell the cameraman I'm gonna open with a low shot right from there.
Excuse me, Mr.
Patman? Can I talk to you for a minute? Can you make it brief? I'm really running behind.
I'm Elizabeth Wakefield, and this is my boyfriend Todd.
I reviewed Macbeth for my school paper, The Oracle.
He said brief.
I understand you saw a copy of it and you hired Lila Fowler because of my review, and I just thought Whoa, whoa.
You think that's why I hired her? Listen, I was looking for someone about Lila's height and size, and she showed up on my doorstep.
It's that simple.
You mean, her review didn't have anything to do with your decision? Hardly.
Looks like you're off the hook, Liz.
Say, have you ever done any acting? Me? Why? Somebody dropped out, and I think you'd be perfect for the part.
You're a very pretty girl.
Thanks, but acting really isn't my thing.
On the other hand, my twin sister is fantastic.
Great, great.
We shoot the commercial tomorrow at 9am.
Did he say commercial? Oh.
So how big a part do you have? The overall message of the piece depends on it.
Well, I hope you still remember me when you're famous.
I'm sorry, your name is? She is being so gross.
I can't believe she got that part and you didn't.
You must be sick with envy.
No, Patty, that was the old me.
I've discovered life is too short.
I'll all above that now.
Well, Hollywood awaits.
I know you'll do great, Lila.
Break a leg.
- Can you move it? - Are you OK? She hit her head.
Why me? Why me? Jess! I'm glad I found you.
I think you ought to listen to this.
What? I convinced Andy Patman to give you a part.
Is this some kind of joke? No.
That's fantastic! In that case I forgive you.
Ow! Ow! I don't know if it's as good a part as Lila's.
Whatever! I didn't finish telling you! Whatever! The only thing, it's not a movie.
It's Whatever! And get me Dr.
Waldman! I don't care if he is in surgery.
Do you know who I am? Ow! Ow! Well, Bruce, I gotta get this shoot going.
You and your friends will be fine right here.
Thanks, Uncle Andy.
Wow, this is cool.
Are we about ready now? The kitchen set looks so real.
Do you think the sink really works? Of course not.
They're just props.
None of them actually work.
Yeah, Eggplant.
Don't you know anything about show business? And I suppose that's prop water.
Some sort of special effect, maybe.
Hmm? Hmm? That was really nice of Liz to speak to Bruce's uncle for you.
Yeah, yeah, she's a saint.
Anyway, now that Lila's had an unfortunate accident, I have an inside track on her part.
Don't count on it.
She showed up? All right, two can play this game.
Excuse me.
Hi, Mr.
Sorry I'm late.
What happened to you? Oh, it's nothing.
I just sprained my ankle slightly.
Minor sprain.
Ow! This is no good.
I need someone who can dance their behind off in front of that camera.
Did you say dance? You're looking at the captain of the Sweet Valley High cheerleading squad.
If anyone knows how to move, it's me.
You can't have my part.
This just might work.
It's worth a try.
OK, you two are switching roles.
Let's get 'em to wardrobe, and I wanna be rolling in ten.
Right this way.
Ow! I did it.
I am so good.
Rolling! All right, quiet everybody.
I just love that show-biz talk.
And action.
Mm-mmm! You know, being a teenager these days isn't easy.
That's why I just love coming home to a nice hot bowl of Holden Tomato Soup.
When you're feeling hungry And your smile starts to droop You know you'll need a shot of Shot of Cut.
Cut! Cut!! Well, she did want the juicy part.
Ow! Watch out! Look right down any crowded hall You see there's a beauty standing Is she really everywhere Or a reflection? Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High Meet you at Sweet Valley High Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High