Switch (UK) (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Witches of Camden

1 Insurance? Done.
Hostal address? Got it.
Miniatures for the plane.
Free booze.
I checked.
I think I'm all good.
It's only a year.
It'll fly by.
Well, stay safe, Han.
And remember! If it's an emergency then just send a switch text.
I know.
I promise.
And no repeat of what happened in Colombia.
Or New Zealand.
Or Kuala Lumpur.
I'm a seasoned traveller! Stop worrying.
I can't leave you lot for ever.
Let's make sure of that.
Come on.
Group hug.
Ready? Water.
Earth.
Fire.
And air.
Goddess great, mother of all, spirit mighty, hear our call.
Four elements strong, we desire Water! Air.
Earth.
And fire! We should really start using non-stick.
Hello? .
.
Brilliant.
I'll be down in a sec.
The taxi's here.
I'm sorry, Hannah.
I'm so sorry.
You look like Miss Marple! Why does nothing ever look good on me? OMG! Ooh! Fit new workmate! Relax, relax, relax! Hey.
Hi.
He might be shy.
Yeah.
Looks like it! At least you stand a chance with him.
I'll never know what it's like to kiss him, hold his big arms choose a rescue dog with him, get matching hair cuts Thank you.
Oh! No, you take it! Please! Your leg.
It's fine.
I'm a physio.
It's better for me standing.
Please.
Hm! Put him out of his misery! Hi.
No, I'm fine.
No, nothing's happened, Mum.
I don't sound strange.
Everything's fine.
Bye.
Some men cannot take a hint! I don't suppose you Stalker alert! Coffee, sir? Thank God you're all OK.
So, come on.
Hit me with it.
What's happened? The body's in the other room.
I cannot believe this is happening.
You make me get an 11-hour flight back from India because you killed a cat! It was an emergency.
Grace getting knocked off her bike is an emergency.
Jude being held hostage by her junkie boyfriend is an emergency.
You sitting on your boss's cat is not an emergency.
I didn't sit on him.
I microwaved him, OK? How was I supposed to know the little prick was in there? I was in a rush because of you and your hour-long showers.
I wanted to give my coffee a blast, but I nuked my boss's cat instead.
Can we figure out how to bring him back to life? Otherwise, I'm gonna lose my job and I won't be able to cover your rent, or yours, then we'll be homeless.
Whatever you do, stay out of sight.
Missed you.
Missed you, too! Janet, come in! Where's Timmy? Cup of tea? My cat - now! I'll just go and find him.
Air.
Oh, bollocks! Ooh, earth.
Ooh, spell book.
The founding sisters would be so proud of us! The founding sisters never worked in advertising.
Here we go.
We need something of the cat's.
Witch hazel.
Witch hazel.
And virgin water.
I hate stuff out of jars! OK.
Spirit, we ask with all our might Love this creature, give it life.
Listen now to our command and bring it back from slumber land! What is going on in here? Oh, Timmy! Beauty! I've been getting e-mails from New York.
I'm sorry.
I'm speaking.
Sorry.
Who's been dealing with Marcos? Th-that should be The account manager! Yes, you! I leave you for three days I've been using your room for private physio clients.
Your bed's in storage.
But, um You can bunk in with me.
Like we're at solstice camp again.
I'll take that and put a wash on.
Hang your things in my wardrobe.
Don't worry.
I'll probably be off again in a couple of days.
It represents 55% of our business.
What Marcos wants, Marcos gets with a big fat cherry on top.
Hi, you must be Janet.
There's no margin for incompetence.
If that phone rings one more time, you're off the account.
I'm taking the battery out.
Battery's out.
I want the situation resolved before I get to my desk.
Consider it done.
You look a mess.
I'll, um sort that out, too.
Ah! That went well! What? She's horrible to you.
It would have been fine if your mum didn't keep ringing me.
What is her problem? She worries.
Ridiculous! You're 22! Grace takes shit off her mum.
You take shit off your boss! No, I don't.
I don't! Anyway, Janet is the boss.
She I don't have to explain myself to you! Touched a nerve.
She comes home sometimes and I know she's been crying.
Anyone seen my mobile? Right.
"You stupid cow! You've over-committed us to the principal fee!" I'm sorry if I've made a mistake, Janet, but I'm trying my best and although you're an inspiration to work for, you never give me any responsibility.
So, can we talk about this later, in your office? Practising standing up to Janet.
What are you smiling at? Last night went really well.
I miss casting spells.
All four of us have to be together.
Don't start.
What? Guilt tripping me.
It's not fair.
I'm entitled to occasionally travel.
You've been off the electoral roll for years! You're acting like travelling is a cop-out.
I never vote, but I'm happy.
We want you to be happy.
We miss magic.
And we miss you.
We've got the rest of our lives to be old witches together.
Well, before you go off to be a Buddhist nun in Outer Mongolia, can we do another switch? What kind of switch? I dunno.
Anything.
A little one like an enchantment? For a friend at work.
I feel really sorry for her.
This guy, he won't even look at her.
She's got this wonky eye and this big head.
You know? It's really sad.
We can enchant a brooch for a day or two.
Help things along.
Have you got something of his? Mm-hm.
I've got a pair of his glasses, railcard some sweet wrappers, some doodles.
He can't answer the phone without doodling! Bloody hell, Jude! It's you! OK.
I really like him.
Is that so bad? This one might work.
I just want someone to love me, then all this self-abuse will stop.
If you need me, I'll be over here, asking meself some very searching questions.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
I, er We've never really No.
We haven't.
That's awful.
I know.
And where's your friend? He's gone.
Left me all alone.
Why would he do that? I'm sorry, Janet.
I've made a mistake.
It's because I'm trying my best These locations are so bad I've had to fire three people to lift my mood.
Why are they so bad? I'm sorry, Janet, if I've made a mistake.
But it's because I'm, er I'm trying Yes, you are.
Very.
I-I'm trying my best, and although you're an inspiration to I could get a monkey to do this.
.
.
work for you never On crutches.
You never give me Who operates the keyboard with his nose.
Oh, fuck off! Thank you, Stella.
That will be all.
Oh, my God! Jude! Judith! Oh, didn't know you were in.
Oh, stop it! Stella.
No.
Get off.
Two minutes, yeah? Are you OK? Come on, then.
Spring water, feathers, star flower.
Holland & Barrett is amazing! Did you bring the spell book? I could use my witch app.
OK, we need to erase two hours of Janet's memory so that she hasn't fired Stella yet.
We brought a cat back to life, I'm sure we can do this.
And we need something of hers.
That's great, David.
I'll take you through the campaign on Thursday.
Did you order this? Does this suit say "marketing" to you? Don't take this the wrong way, but could you please piss off back to Noddy land? Not you! No.
Well, listen, are you happy with the colour palette? No.
I think we'll stick with that.
Good, so it's full steam ahead for Thursday? Let me just check.
Great.
Well, I'll bring them in on Thursday.
Oh, no.
Pink is good.
Yeah.
It's witty.
"Witty in pink" indeed! Great, David.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing you Thursday.
Yup.
We've got the four boys coming in specifically for that.
Great.
The other team are very happy.
Indeed.
No, let me check.
4.
45? Yeah.
4.
45 Thursday.
Always a pleasure.
Thanks, David.
See you then.
"Oh, great spirit, wise, sublime "help us turn the hands of time.
"To when no harm was done, no temper frayed, no conflict spun.
" Take Janet What's her surname? Boot.
Janet Boot? Her brother's called Bob.
Bob Boot? I know! Girls! Take Janet Boot to a previous place Where serenity shows upon her face.
Good work, Han.
Thanks.
All right? Yes.
All good.
You OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll just carry on, shall I? Carry on.
Hello.
So shall I rebook your flights for tomorrow? Oh, thank you! How's the dragon? Memory wiped.
You were great today.
Thanks.
I'll get you extra legroom.
You need to catch up on your sleep.
Go into my room.
In the little black desk there's an envelope for you.
I forgot to give it to you, what with our feline episode.
What's all this? It's my Hannah's flying visit emergency pack.
Just in case you ever interrupted your trip with a visit home.
What are these cards? You never remember the girls' birthdays.
I put some money in there for stamps, too.
Oh.
Got to go.
Am I a shit friend? What do you mean? You're amazing! When you're here.
I'm hardly ever here.
When was the last time I remembered your birthday? Um You manage to get me a present wherever I am and I can't pick up the phone.
Han, it doesn't matter.
It's different when you're the one who's away, having adventures.
Home just doesn't exist.
That's fine.
No, it's not.
Home totally exists.
I think about you lot all the time.
I've got to go! You're a lovely friend.
See you later.
Let me help with those.
It's OK.
I'm grateful for the work.
Let me help.
What's the matter? Is this some sort of test? I don't know what this means.
I think we need a little chat.
You can start without her, Stella.
You know our account.
I know how much Janet wants to present this to you, so, er I'll see if I can hunt her down.
He said he'd phone me on Friday to make arrangements, which he doesn't.
He won't answer any calls all night, then I see on Facebook that he's been out with Lacrosse mates.
So I IM him and he's all, "I've got flu.
" Why is he lying to me? I didn't understand a lot of that, but it sounds like he doesn't appreciate what he's got with you.
What are you doing? I've been looking for you everywhere.
Marcos has had two cups of tea and a muffin.
I can't cover any more.
Are you going to be all right? Everyone says you're a bitch queen from hell, but they're wrong.
They say that? When you go to New York, there's a special dance we do.
Even the IT boys know it and I've never seen anyone talk to them.
Does everyone hate me? Of course, but you love that.
Do we open with questions, or do we pincer Marcos with presentations, focus groups and summary? What's your feeling? Who's Marcos? Sorry I'm late.
It's OK.
It's you.
Hi! What a coincidence! Yeah.
So, er what do you want? The massage.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
It's just this ligament thing.
Aggravated I kept my pants on.
I don't know the rules.
I haven't shagged him, have I? Definitely would have remembered HIM! Is he important? Oh! I LOVE them! Right, by my calculation, you think it's 1990.
That would make you 17.
And by this, we can agree that you have no idea about the modern world.
'Video call.
Rebecca from Marcos' office.
' Janet, hi.
Hi, Rebecca! It's Stella.
Can she see me? Sorry, this is a bit awkward.
But Marcos isn't best pleased you stood him up.
This is NUTS! We're going to have to take our account to Blush Media.
Blush? Have you seen their deodorant campaign? They think bikinis are ironic.
Please give us another chance! I'll see what I can do.
You'd better pull it out the bag tomorrow! Whoa! I'm going with it because I don't want to freak out, but I am pretty sure I took some acid! What kind of physio have you been having? Not much, really.
Had some at a sport physio clinic in Camberwell.
I work out of there sometimes.
Oh! And at the Camden branch.
And I work out of there.
How long have you been going? Er Since yesterday.
Since I saw you.
Gracie! Are you all right? Are you safe? Mum! Get out! I've been going out of my mind! You can't barge in when I'm working! What the hell was going on yesterday? I thought you'd been kidnapped! Can we talk about this in private? Oh.
So now you want to talk to me? Er, thank you.
For that.
I should probably get going.
Come back! No.
I mean come back again for a massage.
Oh.
So, girls, why didn't you come to the last solstice? I was ill? With a personal thing.
I've been travelling.
Flighty as ever, Hannah! Like your mother.
I was really busy with work.
I see.
Got to keep the BOSSES happy.
Catherine was there with her coven.
Blessing every bloody twig in sight, all four in matching outfits.
Iwas running the lentil stall.
"No Grace and the girls this year?" Every bowl! Mum How do you think it looks when I can't get my own daughter to go to solstice? Anyone would think you were de-cloaked.
Just cos I missed solstice doesn't mean I've given up practising.
Oh! Doesn't it? Oh! How are you practising when Air here keeps flitting off? I needed a break! A break? A break? You're a witch, love! Not an IT consultant! Han's back now anyway, Mum.
For a bit.
We've been doing some serious casting.
We did a memory haze.
And An enchantment.
And an enchantment, a romantic enchantment and a summoning of life.
You brought someone back from the dead? It was only a cat, but No! No, still, I'm VERY impressed.
Oh! Wait till I tell Rhiannon that you girls are summoning life! I can't wait to see her little pinched Welsh face when she hears about this! Exactly.
Why stay a moment longer when you could be at home boasting? That switch, we really fucked it up! Hey.
I LOVE this magazine! How much star flower did you put in? Um About a cup cupful.
And did you bless the feathers? Yeah.
Yeah.
You see, THIS is the problem with a part-time coven! Well, it's MY coven, so just deal with it.
There's nothing in here about reversing or opposites.
No, once you've cast a spell, you can't break it or cast an opposite spell.
You only lift it.
How do we do that? Well, if someone is under the influence of someone else, the only way to lift the spell is for those two people to exchange a truth.
What truth? It's different every time.
You'll have to work it out, otherwise, that woman is going to be like this for ever.
Right, where am I sleeping? Ooh! Where are YOU going? To the pub.
Got a date.
Why don't you come? No, because it's a date.
That would be weird.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Oh, probably not.
I'm off.
What? Already? Well, I thought I'd give South America another go.
I met this guy in Thailand who spent a summer herding llamas.
They give you your own yurt.
How cool is that? Stella booked my flights.
I'd better say goodbye now, then.
OK.
Ooh! Don't forget your brooch! Oh, yeah.
Bye.
How many channels are there? I've got an idea.
Why don't we tell each other a secret about ourselves? Like what? Something huge! Something that you would never normally tell anyone.
Is this like a bonding thing? Exactly.
Then we'll be friends for ever? Yeah.
Sort of.
OK.
Um Well, this is a bad one.
That's fine.
I won't judge.
I slept with my sister's boyfriend while she was in a coma.
Brilliant.
Right.
Well, um I'm a witch! Oh, Stella! No, you're not.
You're lovely! No.
I actually am a witch.
And I've cast a spell on you and given you amnesia.
You're such a tool! He likes fashion, art, Calvin and Hobbes.
He's got the same sense of humour as me, lives two Tube stops away and isn't married! Who was that? Oh, just my mate Hannah.
She likes to check and make sure I'm still alive.
And what were you saying? Just that I'm having a really nice time with you.
And that I think you're really, um Well, I think you're really Too.
Which is amazing, because you're the first woman I've been with.
I was gay before I met you.
At least, I thought I was, anyway.
I only used to think about men.
I was too shy to do anything about it, but all along, it was because I hadn't met you! I know! You make me feel Mi-ighty real! How did we get on? Janet, how old are you? 17! Why do you keep asking me that? I'm going to have to move in if this is the kind of mess you get into.
You do the presentation.
We'll look after Janet.
I can't leave her! Look! Even more reason to do it.
For her.
I can't do it on my own! Will you stop shouting, please? Calm down and think what we're going to do with Janet.
I don't care about Janet! She treats me and everyone else like shit! Let's leave her like this.
She doesn't mean it.
I do.
I do mean it.
She's a cow! That's the truth! So tell her, then.
What? Tell Janet the truth.
You're a cow.
Tell her.
You constantly undermine me.
You're a bully, a bitch, a complete nightmare.
And you never give me any responsibility.
Yes.
Yes.
But without you, there'd be no agency and And I do admire you for that.
Do you? Do you also admire the fact that I'm 43 and my only friend is my cat? What do you think of me? Lazy, incompetent, low-impact personality.
Low-impact personality! Come on, Janet.
We've got a presentation to get ready for! Your product is a joke! But in-jokes are the best jokes.
They're fun, intimate and, more importantly, are an aide-memoire for friendship.
Stella, why don't you run through the ideas we've got? How'd it go with Miles? Oh.
I don't think it's meant to be.
You've got two hours left on that brooch.
If you want to work your magic on someone else.
Great! You're a bloody genius! That went well, then.
What are those? Rape alarms.
I don't I don't want them.
Just keep one in your bag.
They'll drag you down.
What? You're a much better witch than all of them.
I can find you a new coven.
I already have a coven.
Yes! Formed at solstice camp when you were 14! It's time you moved on.
Found yourself more mature elements.
They need me.
To make themselves feel better, probably.
Take that back! What? I won't be tied to your apron strings.
What you just said.
Take it back! Just I just don't want you making any mistakes, that's all.
You're supposed to make mistakes.
That's life.
Go home and let me have one.
Aaron! Put this brooch on! No.
You said I looked like Miss Marple.
No, I was wrong! No.
I have a theme.
Just try it! It clashes! Put it on! What's wrong with you? It'll go with your eyes.
Really? Agh! Hey.
Hi.
We've never properly met, have we? No.
Why is that? Um I don't know.
I love your brooch.
Can I take a closer look? What are you doing? 12 quid for a pair of too tight flight socks! Have you ever even heard of anyone getting deep vein thrombosis? I reckon it's a scam.
All packed? Didn't really unpack.
Of course you didn't.
What's wrong? I wish sometimes you'd stick around long enough for me to talk to you.
Well, I'm here now.
Talk to me.
It's my mum.
I know she's a pain in the arse, but she It's only because she loves me, and I'm horrible to her.
Calm down.
You're not horrible to her.
I sent her home and told her to stay out of my life.
Would you speak to your mum like that? Maybe, if I knew where to find her.
Oh, Han, I'm sorry.
I'm being selfish.
No, you're not.
Listen, you argue with your mum because it's intense and you love her.
When you love someone, you say all kinds of horrible shit to them.
It's actually a good thing.
I'd love to have a screaming row with my mum, but the truth is she doesn't really care enough to have one with me.
Oh, Han.
No sympathy hugging.
This isn't about me.
Where's your mum now? Coach station.
Then go there.
And thank her for being the pain in the arse that she is.
I love you, Han.
Tell that to Gloria! I promise I'll answer my phone more.
I've got a coach to catch, Grace.
I'll come home for the next solstice.
Only if you want to.
Mum, please! It's just I don't know where to start.
Come on, love! One minute.
Even though there's three of them, they don't replace you.
Come on! BACK OFF! I'M TALKING TO MY MUM! Yes! And she lives in London now, and I don't get to see her as often as I'd like.
Which is OK.
Promise you'll come home for solstice.
I'll bring my coven.
Keep your mum happy? Hi.
It's Grace.
I-I was wondering if you wanted to make another appointment.
The taxi's here.
Right, have you got your sun cream, wipes? Condoms.
Check, check, check.
You're going, then.
I never said I'd stay.
What if I hadn't got back in time? You'd have just gone? You HATE goodbyes.
Whereas you couldn't give a toss about them.
Grace.
Grace? My room.
It's not finished.
It's beautiful.
She's in here every night doing something.
I wanted to make it nice for when you got back.
When you were here before, it was always so What's the word? Shit? Depressing.
Temporary.
No wonder you never wanted to stay.
Every country you go to, I put it up here.
So we always know where you are.
Look at all the places I've been to! Show us where you're going next.
Birmingham.
What? No! London! I'm staying in London.
Let's bless the room.
Shit! We haven't got anything for air.
Spirit bless this room for us What was that? What happened? We've been hexed.
Oh, shit! Who the HELL has hexed us? Spirit, we call on your goodwill.
Reveal to us who wishes ill.
Show the one who would cause harm through vengeful hex or evil charm.
Trust we won't retaliate.
Our only aim is to defend our precious coven till the end.
It's the witches of Kensington.
It's starting again.
Why should we trust you? We're offering an entente cordiale.
Get your bag.
I've got you an interview.
Untied the bus driver and called the Colombian police! I'm getting the sack.
I'd still have a job if we did a quick switch.
Gerry Blackwell, your new boss.
This sexy man is the best boss ever.
To ya! I like you, Grace.
I like you SO much!