Tacoma FD (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Where's the Beefcake

1 [THE TRAMMPS' "DISCO INFERNO" PLAYS] Satisfaction Whoo, hoo, hoo Came in a chain reaction Oh, yeah I couldn't get enough Till I had to self-destruct Whoo, hoo, hoo The heat was on Risin' to the top Everybody's goin' strong Whoo, hoo, hoo That is when my spark got hot I heard somebody say Burn, baby, burn Disco inferno Burn, baby, burn Burn that mother down, now Burn, baby, burn Disco inferno Burn, baby, burn Yeah, burn the mother down Burn it down Burn, baby, burn - Disco inferno - Mmm-blblblblbblb! Burn, baby, burn The mother down Burn, baby, burn Aaaaaaah, ha! Burn, baby, burn Burn that mother down [LAUGHTER] Good job, guys.
- Best day ever! - Ahh.
Whoa! Granny, how did I not notice your humongo muff? [LAUGHS] Yeah.
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED" PLAYS] Well, I'm hot-blooded Check it and see I'm hot-blooded Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey! Put down that spanakopita.
Friday's the big day.
I need you looking fit.
- What's Friday? - "What's Friday?" Come on, Granny.
You kidding me? Friday is the photo shoot for the Fireman Beefcake Calendar.
Like, hello? It's only the biggest day of the year.
Hello! I need you to get beefy, Granny, okay? Station 48 sold 1,000 copies of their calendar last month alone.
You think I'm gonna let us get outsold by these hideous gargoyles? No.
No.
Look at this guy.
Joe Manganiello wannabe.
When are we gonna stop these competitions with other fire stations, huh? My butthole is still burning from the ghost-pepper challenge video.
Oh, yeah.
How many ghost peppers did you put in your butt? - Like 12? - And yet only 11 came out.
- Strange, Granny.
- I don't know about you guys, but I am ready for the big shoot.
I haven't had a carb in three weeks.
Good for you, but I got to tell ya, the key really is to be as oily as possible.
Now, a little trade secret in my other life, I'm a professional male dancer.
Not sure if you know that.
And looking bad is not an option.
That's why I trust generic brand Canyon Breeze Baby Oil.
BOTH: Canyon Breeze? Canyon Breeze America's number-one choice for high-performance stage oil.
- Canyon Breeze - [DING!] No, no.
You remember what happened last year when we got too oily.
Nice technique.
Good.
[ALARM BLARING] [FLOOR SQUEAKING] [GRUNTS] Aah! - [SQUISH] - Ohh! Ahh Last year was last year.
Last year, my mom didn't even put up the calendar.
She said it was borderline pornographic.
Yeah, but your mom thinks "Dancing with the Stars" is borderline pornographic.
Well, anything on ABC.
But look.
This is the annual beefcake calendar, okay? It's not about pleasing our families.
It's about vanity, ego, competition, you know, and charity, I suppose.
- What charity? - Primates for Pets.
They provide helper monkeys for retired service animals.
ALL: Aww! The world has changed.
Issues of workplace sexuality are delicate.
All right, well, you can't take the beefiness out of the beefcake calendar.
It's a point of pride for my guys.
This is coming from up high, Terry.
You know it's not me.
I'm the dirtiest gal in all of City Hall.
Last year's Secret Santa, I gave Polly Purdue a mug that said "Men are like coffee.
The good ones keep you up all night long.
" [LAUGHING] Oh, my gosh! All right, but, honestly, what does this mean? - What are the parameters? - Nothing hard and fast.
[GASPS, SNORTS] You see?! I'm like Sarah Silverman over here with the raunchiness! - Funny.
- It's common sense, really.
- No more bare butt.
- Adorable.
No more using live animals to cover private parts.
[CHUCKLES] Sharp claws.
And no more using fire hoses to suggest the functions of the male genitalia.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't see that before.
Huh.
You're tying our hands here.
Just think of it as a challenge.
Come up with a nice, wholesome calendar that has some redeeming value.
Redeeming values? I don't even know what that means.
Okay, I'm not happy about it, either, but maybe she's got a point.
- Nah.
Come on, Chief.
- What point? What? - What do you mean? - No way! Well, maybe we pushed this thing into the territory unbecoming of a professional operation.
But you can't do that! I mean, I was gonna do this bit where I covered my unmentionables in extinguisher foam.
It was gonna be so hot! You were gonna do this? Why wouldn't I? I'm a firefighter.
Well, you know, I-I just figured it was a beefcake calendar, so it'd be limited to the beefs.
That is sexist.
Chief, like it or not, part of being a firefighter is the inalienable right to pose seductively for a calendar that people give to their spinster aunt as a gag gift.
- Yeah! - Goddamn right! Goddamn right! Come on! - Hallelujah! - Okay.
Great point.
In the meantime, I would love for everyone to come up with a wholesome concept for this calendar shoot.
- Ugh.
- No! - Why?! - Carry on.
MOTHER: This is four Sundays in a row you've missed church.
[SOFTLY] I know, Mom, but they have me working on Sundays now.
[DEEP VOICE] Ha, ha, ha.
That girl is hot A.
F.
, huh? Pfft.
Shoot! Huh! Who are you talking to? Who's hot A.
F.
? Are you dating a girl? How come you won't call any of the nice girls I set you up with? [SOFTLY] Mom, I It was just something on the TV, okay? What are they making you watch over there? "Dancing with the Stars"? Okay, Mom, uh, I got to go.
Okay? But I lov [DEEP VOICE] Ha, ha, ha! Yeah! No, you shut up! Ah, totally! [PHONE BEEPS] My dudes are crazy! How's your mom? [GROANS] You know, sh She's just so disapproving of everything, you know? Well, maybe next year, we'll do a Fun Run for charity.
Yeah, she thinks jogging is erotic, so It's calendar time! - Chiefy.
- Awesome! All right.
Who's kicking off the brainstorm? Okay, yeah, yeah.
Let me start, okay? Because this is a slam dunk, all right? Let's do the photo spread covered in raw meat and pastry.
Nobody? Guys, come on.
Raw meat beef.
Pastry cake.
Beefcake.
[LAUGHS] Right? Perfect.
We'll get local businesses to donate the food, then we auction it off after we're done.
- That's gross.
- No.
Boo.
- What? - Auction used meat? - Whatever.
- All right, next.
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, so, we are looking for unsexy, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
What's more un-sexy than puppet versions of ourselves? - What does that mean? - Okay, you know what? Maybe you'll be more receptive to this idea if it's presented by [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Fireman Bob! - [CHUCKLES] - Oh, boy.
So, uh, you all making a calendar of sorts? Ha, ha.
Is that it? - Boo, boo.
- Boo! How does that even work? You dummies wouldn't know a good idea if it bit you on the behind! [GRUNTS] Okay.
Enough with your puppet.
Next! Come on, next.
What if we all pose in respectful portraits with our respective mothers? And, uh, we're wearing costumes that celebrate our heritage, so I'd do Hawaii, obviously.
- And you would do white? - Okay, no No, no, no, no, no.
- Boo! - No.
Boo, boo, boo.
Okay, when's the last time any of you saw firefighters posing with gigantic fruits and vegetables? That's not hot, Cap.
That's just bizarre.
Mm.
Believe me, Ike, nudity is passé.
Bizarre is the new nudity.
That sounds like a perfume commercial.
Yeah, it sounds like a perfume commercial.
Chief, I can tell you're intrigued.
Well, we're supposed to do something with redeeming value, right? Fruits, vegetables, food groups something for the kids.
[INHALES DEEPLY] I like it.
Run with it, Penisi.
Good meeting.
This is the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard! Fruits and vegetables? Are you having an aneurysm, Cap? Yeah, having an aneurysm like a fox.
We can be naked behind the food.
Natural, delicious foods presented by au naturel firefighters.
It's the perfect Trojan horse.
Think about it.
Who's gonna call you out for being naked as long as the food pyramid's involved? - Nobody.
- Nobody.
- Nobody.
- Cap! I could kiss you.
Well, you better do it now, 'cause in a couple days, I'm gonna be naked and oily with a gigantic stalk of nutritious asparagus right in front of my wang! [ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING] Oh, that's what I like to see some hard, buff bodies for our wholesome and healthy beefcake calendar.
We're gonna out-sell every station in town.
- You got that right.
- Ooh! Ho, ho, ho! Okay.
Which one of you has been doing one of those stanky-ass cleanse diets? Sauerkraut butt blast.
- The paprika mega-purge.
- The cayenne clinch.
Ahh.
- I've just been doing Weight Watchers.
- Sensible.
Hey, guys, let me get your opinion on something.
I'm thinking about growing my nip hairs out.
I think they're making a comeback, and I do want to be on trend, so Lucky for you, the unibrow is making a comeback.
[LAUGHTER] And you need a once-over with those ear and nose hairs, - old timer.
- Hey, watch it, whippersnapper.
Hey, Andy, doesn't your mom run a salon? Maybe she can give us all, like, a friends and family discount.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think there's something weirdly sexual about my mom pouring hot wax on your bodies.
Hey, hey.
Uh, then we're definitely doing it, like 100%.
- Settled.
- Maybe she can take a look - at Granny's humongous muff.
- Dude.
Yeah, maybe she's got a weed whacker in the back of her salon.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Time-out.
Nobody's touching my briar patch, okay? Remember Samson in the Bible? All right? You cut off the bird's nest, I lose my manhood.
- Not happening.
- Ugh! It smells like a Dumpster behind a Hungarian restaurant in here.
- We're all fartin'.
- We're all doing - different master cleanses.
- I'm doing Weight Watchers.
Probie, go to my bathroom and get the pot-pourri spray.
Oh, great, now it'll smell like shit and pot-pourri.
Huh.
Master cleanses and vanity workouts, huh? Seems unnecessary for a food-group calendar.
We're just trying to stay healthy, Chief.
- Is that what it is? - Yeah.
- You sure? - Poz.
- You should try it sometime.
- What'd you say? - Hmm? - You say something? Uh, I said we're just trying to stay healthy, Chief.
Okay.
It stinks in here.
- Mm-hmm.
- [WHISTLING] Okay, so, we'll meet up at Andy's mom's place after work, right? On one condition, though.
Nobody say anything about the calendar.
She'd go nuts.
[FART] I gotta go.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Unh! [DOOR BELL CHIMES] Hi.
Ooh, cool! Alo-Air Alao Alo-hay-ir.
Ala Hair-ah Bah! I give up! How do you say it? Hey! Ka'ponko! - Hey, Mom.
Hi.
- Hi, honey.
Ka'ponko? What's What's Ka'ponko? Oh, my Hawaiian name is Ka'ponko.
- Oh.
- Oh.
What are we doing today? A butt wax? Or are we just touching up around the ding-a-ling? - Ooh.
Uh - [LAUGHS] - I'll do the usual.
- Oh, okay, all three.
All right.
Hey, let's get smooth, huh? - Hey, get smooth! - Smooth.
- [TEARING] - [CHUCKLING] That's a new feeling.
You should have seem my son after his first butt wax.
- He cried for days! - Mom! [LAUGHTER] Aw, but, Andy's Mom, I think that's just Ka'ponko being Ka'ponko, though, right? - That's our Ka'ponko! - Classic Ka'ponko.
Total Ka'ponko.
Mm-hmm! [LAUGHTER] Ooh.
That is a lot of hair.
Let me see here.
Yikes! Hey, did you sneak a Portuguese Water Dog in here? Read the sign "No pets.
" Oh, no, ma'am.
With all due respect, I will pass on the waxing of my low 'fro.
Oh, don't be silly.
Everybody in my Bible study group's doing it.
Oh, Granny, just do it.
Then you'll be all nice and trim for the beefcake calendar.
What? Beefcake? - [SIZZLING] - Aaaaaaah! I don't do porn stars! Get out! It's gonna be a nice calendar, Mom.
That's what you said last year when you grabbed the fire hydrant between your legs to suggest how the male genitalia functions! - Well, you wax buttholes! - Out, out, out! I will not have you taint the dignity of the Myawani name! The woman does know a thing or two about taints.
- Not funny! Get out! Get out, get out! - Hey, whoa! Hey! Out, cowboy boots! Thank you.
[ALL GRUNTING] Oh, God! I can't walk! You guys, don't break the fruit.
We have to use it for the calendar.
[LAUGHS] - [BOTH GRUNTING] - This calendar is gonna be bananas.
How you holding up, Granny? Had to shave it bald to get all the wax off.
[CRYING] And it's gone.
It's all gone.
Am I the only one freezing in here? [WHIMPERING] "Excuse me, sir, have you, uh, had your picture taken before with fruits and vegetables covering your unmentionables?" "Um, yeah, well, you know, I've done, uh I've done pickle, I've done cucumber, I've done, uh, squash, eggplant.
Never a, uh, chili pepper, though, so" How great is this banana? If only I could pull back the peels and then use that to cover my melons, you know what I mean? [LAUGHS] Awesome.
Seems like the nudity's creeping back into this photo shoot! Oh, yeah! It's gonna be epic, Chief! - No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's clean.
It's on the up-and-up.
- You sure? - Yeah, you said no nudity.
There's gonna be no n-no nudity.
Yeah.
Fruits and vegetables.
What can we possibly do that's dirty? No nudity.
- You take my picture.
- Ohh! N-o-o-o-o! [SIGHS] [BREATHES DEEPLY] Hmm.
[SIGHS] Release it all over.
Sorry about your pants, Cap, but that's, you know So, as you can see, you got more of a general shine - going here, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Whereas my Canyon Breeze, more of a shimmer, you know? - More of a show.
Boop - Yeah, I see.
Got a nice scent, too.
That's not bad.
[SNIFFS] I mean, that smells great.
- Right? - It's like vanilla with jasmine.
Hey, hold on, you guys.
Is that what the Canyon Breeze is? - Yeah.
- Tough day for both of us, huh? Yeah, but your pubes will grown back, and my issue with my mom is gonna go on forever.
You know, I was raised by my grandmother.
She said the same thing, till a few years ago, I finally had enough, and I walked straight up to Granny.
I said, "Granny, I'm a grown-ass man.
No more.
" Granny said, "Don't talk to me like that.
" I said, "Granny, hear me out.
" Granny said, "You go to your room right now.
" "Granny, I'm not going to my room anymore, Granny.
" "Granny, don't talk to me like that! I said go to your room!" "Well, Granny's time to go to Granny's room is over!" And that's when I think Granny understood.
Or should I say Granny understood Granny.
I'm sorry.
You lost me so long ago.
Point is, is that you got to let her know that you can make your own decisions.
And tell her that you're doing that beefcake calendar.
No, you're right.
Yeah.
I'm gonna do it.
- Thanks, Granny.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is that pressure okay? - Mm, mm-hmm, mm.
- Mm, Mm-hmm.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
Feels like a lot, but it's not that much.
Ah, it is.
It's quite a bit.
Might go down into your pants a bit.
Oh, my God.
My skin is, like, absorbing this like a sponge.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what you got to do? You got to relax.
- Okay.
- Get my arm.
Come on.
- [IKE AND GRANNY GRUNTING] - Hey, hey, hey, guys! Can I have your attention, please? Listen up here, guys.
I just got of the phone with Linda Price.
Apparently she got word that you guys were trying to sneak nudity into this new concept.
And I'm sorry to say this, but Linda Price has canceled this year's calendar shoot.
- What?! - What? No! - Come on, Chief! - It's off.
- Are you kidding me?! - Terrible news, guys.
- Come on! - For all of us.
- Come on! - Come on, Chief.
- Chief! - Man! - You! - I tried to stop him, Miss Price, but he was too slippery.
That's okay.
You seem hot and bothered.
- I am.
- And oily.
- Yeah, I am.
- How can I help? You can start by taking that stick out of your badonkadonk! Look.
I know times are changing, okay? But my grandfather Luigi Penisi appeared in the 1953 Tacoma FD Beefcake Calendar using a suggestively placed sausage to help a woman in a bikini climb down from a burning building.
Now, I'm pretty sure I understand why you couldn't get away with that today.
But I will not leave this office until you explain to me why we can't have a photo shoot where we pose with oversize food groups.
- Ugh! - Wow.
An impressive, dramatic monologue and delightful display of physical comedy.
Ohh.
But who said you can't do the photo shoot? Uh, I was told that you were the one who put the kibosh on the calendar.
No.
I've even arranged to put them up in all the public schools.
Be sure to include cabbage.
I feel like cabbage gets a bad rap.
[CHUCKLES] That means that Miss Price, I'm sorry I got your desk all greasy.
Mm.
From now on, I'll call you "Greasy Penisi.
" Yeah, actually that's a racially insensitive slur nowadays.
Huh.
Times really have changed.
So, did you hear the one about the two peanuts who got a-salted? [CHUCKLES] Shit.
No.
Wait.
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One of them gets a-salted, yeah? I think.
Okay, look.
I'm off my A-game.
All right? I was forced to shave off my little 'fro today, but if I can just kind of give you [WHISTLES] Hey.
Come on, boys.
Let's get out of here.
Hey.
Let's go, buddy.
Oops.
IKE: Have a nice day.
Hey, Chief.
Guess what.
I just spoke to Linda Price.
And she says she didn't cancel the calendar.
Wh-a-a-at? In fact, she said she didn't speak to you at all today.
All right.
You know what? I don't have to answer to you guys about the decisions - made in this station.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
This calendar thing's a distraction.
You guys are running around like a bunch of oiled-up peacocks.
Wait.
This is about me, isn't it? You just don't want to see your little girl posing provocatively for a calendar? No, I don't mind that.
I mean, well, I don't want to see you in a racy photo, but You're a grown woman.
You can make your own choices.
Yeah? So what is it then? You want to know what it is? Yeah, I want to know what it is.
You want to know? - Yes, we want to know! - I just said I want to know what it is.
- Do both of you want to know?! - We want - Tell us what it is! - What do you think we're doing here?! It's me, okay? It's me.
Look.
I used to be a fit stud.
I was a cover boy! A virile piece of man meat! That's June! I look like Toby Keith! Now what, huh? Now I'm supposed to be on some calendar half undressed, looking like a tired old sack of whale blubber?! Dad, don't be ridiculous.
You're still one of the handsomest guys that I know.
Yes, you're larger, but you carry it with dignity.
You know? Like Cedric the Entertainer or Meat Loaf or, um, Steven Seagal.
Yeah, Seagal.
Look, you're still easily one of the best-looking guys - at the station.
- Okay, okay, let's not spread it on too thick here.
Come on, Uncle Eddie! Tell him how gorgeous he is.
No, I'm not gonna lie to the guy.
He knows what he looks like.
But I will say this, Chief.
The world needs to celebrate people like you.
Yeah! People of all shapes and sizes.
This is the perfect opportunity for you to send a body-positive message something validating to all those little kids out there who, like you, resemble a bowling ball on toothpicks.
Kids with butts that couldn't possibly hold up a pair of pants.
Just looking at ass crack all day long, 24/7.
Hey, thanks, Uncle Eddie.
I'll stop you there.
You know what else? I know this photo editor, and she has these apps on her phone, and she can literally turn you into the love child of Russell Wilson and The Rock in, like, three minutes.
- Really? - Yeah, you're gonna look amazing! - Let's do that.
- Yeah, I think that's a better idea.
Mm-mm, mm, mm, mm-mm, mm, mm Come on, Andy! Buddy! Come on, man.
Get into it.
It's gonna be a blast.
They've got everything you want here.
Look.
Professional-quality hair in a can.
- Hey! God, man! - You love this stuff! Mom? I wanted to come here to make sure you're not participating in this disgusting orgy.
Oh.
We're having an orgy after the shoot? Not sure I like the ratio.
You didn't have to come here.
- Tell her.
- You know what? I'm not a child anymore.
I can make my own decisions.
And I'm here to support my friends, show off my ripped glutes, and promote healthy eating.
I love you, but I'm gonna do this calendar.
Am I still your little Ka'ponko? I have no Ka'ponko.
What? Ugh.
Did you hear that? Hey.
Hey.
It's gonna be okay.
- You're our little Ka'ponko.
- [GIGGLES] - Come on.
It's gonna be awesome.
- Hey, wait, hey.
Come on.
Okay, who's gonna be the first one to forever change the way people look at beefcake calendars? Watch and learn, you hairless lap dogs.
- Yeah! - Yeah, Chief! - Ohh! - Perfect! Ooh, that ain't dolphin-safe, Chief.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] LUCY: Go, Chief.
Go, Chief.
- I like mine with cheese! - Work those buns! - Flame-broiled muscle.
- Make it ripe! Make it ripe! Peel it.
Peel it.
- Yeah, Lucy! - Oh, oh! - Yeah, Cap! - Ohh! Yeah, cabbage! - Hey! - Hey! - IKE: Yeah, Andy! - GRANNY: Go ahead! Have some milk with that cupcake.
- Mmm! - Yeah! He's feelin' it! I told you! I told you! [LAUGHTER] [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] GRANNY: Look at that Hawaiian flyin'.
- Yeah! - Put some cream in that thing! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Get a glass of milk! - Myawani! - Yeah! - Yeah! Mom.
Oh, uh, Ka'ponko.
Hey, don't worry.
It's okay.
All right? Standing back there, watching you look so cute and tiny behind that gigantic cupcake with sprinkles, it just made me realize that I was the one being small small for not accepting what made you happy.
Aw.
- Ka'ponko.
Ohh.
- [SQUISH] Ugh.
You know what? And if dancing around naked with food makes you happy - Yeah.
- it makes me happy.
ALL: Aww! Oh, and I had to make it up to you, too.
So I made you this.
- My new low 'fro! - Uh-huh.
- [LAUGHS] - It's made from sweepings.
It's like a hodgepodge.
- Smells great! - Ah.
- Oh, right now? - Oh! - I got my muff back! - Ah! I guess I was thinking we would be normal-sized and the food would be huge.
GRANNY: Well, maybe there was a miscommunication in the printer.
Oh, no, no.
No miscommunication.
This is exactly what I told him to do.
[LAUGHS] Aw, you look adorable.
Did you see me on May? May.
- Hey.
2,000 copies.
- Wow.
Really? Yep, we printed 2,000 of these idiotic calendars, and we only sold 17.
And thanks to Lucy, we couldn't even tap into our historically reliable gay-dude demographic.
- Right.
Thanks, Lucy.
- Man.
Even the Tacoma public schools didn't want it.
- So, what now? - Well, now you guys find a place to stash this huge cache of useless calendars, and we never speak of it again.
Wait, Chief.
H-Hey, fellas! Fools.
Bureaucratic fools! Hey, hey.
They don't know what they've got there.
Let me buy you a protein shake.
You know.
Protein?