Tacoma FD (2019) s02e09 Episode Script

Mike and Ike

What in the hell is this?
I don't know. I can't see anything.
I hope you bitches brought
more Jell-O shots.
Ma'am, what's the smoke from?
I think found the culprit.
These penis cookies were
left in the oven too long.
There's no such thing as too long.
All right, let's air this place out.
I got this one, Cap.
- Okay.
- Hello.
Are you my stripper?
I prefer the term "exotic dancer."
Hey, Ike, I think she thinks
Start dancing exotically.
I am on the job right now.
You're here for a job. A very hot job.
I tell ya, not only is this job hot,
it is scorching at times.
- Yeah, I know.
- What are the rules?
Do we get a little
peek of the equipment?
Well, all right. I'll tell you what.
You can play with the hose.
You can all play with the hose! Why not?
Oh, whoa, whoa!
Ike, they think you're
here to strip for 'em, now.
Yeah, I know! Hello?
I was kidding!
God, take a joke, guys!
I'm not an idiot, okay?
Oh, great.
You know what, officer? It's fine.
It was a misunderstanding.
No need to press charges.
All right, guys, let's roll out.
Let's roll out.
Hey, congrats again.
Check it out.
Got my results from that
DNA ancestry company.
22 and You.
I've actually been meaning to do that.
You'll never believe this.
I'm 12% Jewish.
- Really?
- Get out of here.
This is going to change everything.
We should all take these DNA tests.
I've been telling women for years
I'm related to Joe Pesci.
It's time I finally got proof.
Hey, you know what?
I got some extra swabs.
You all wanna do it?
- I'll try it.
- Yep.
- Oh, that'd be awesome.
- We got one for you.
- Thank you.
- One for you, one for you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ike.
- No, no, no, no, no!
Not like that, man.
- It's up here. Up here.
- I know.
Why do you guys always take
me so seriously all the time?
Try this one.
- I was kidding.
- I know you were.
- I know how to do it.
- Yeah.
- Great, yeah.
- Put it in there. Put it in.
- Get that to the lab, stat.
- Okay.
Hey, guys, I think us
laughing at Ike all the time
makes him feel dumb,
like with the bachelorette party.
He's not dumb.
He just sometimes says dumb things.
You know what,
next time he says something dumb,
I'm gonna say something
dumber, you know,
just to take the heat off.
Ah, you better not do that
'cause then people
will think you're dumb.
Me? Nah.
Hey, Cap, you wanna go see
if Chief wants to inspect his genes?
I've already inspected his jeans.
They are consistently saggy
and halfway down his ass.
That little tuchus reminds
me of two matzo balls.
Very funny, guys.
- Hey. What's up, guys?
- What's with the tweed?
Trying on a new character
for the strip joint?
Professor Pecs.
- I like it.
- Hey.
- Cool turtleneck, dude.
- Thanks, man.
Looks like the one I just got my mom.
Hey, I wanted to tell you
I had this crazy dream
about you last night
and I feel like I just need to,
like, process it, you know?
Okay. Yeah, sure.
Like, we were hanging out,
eating cheeseburgers together.
Oh, well, I am flattered.
You noticed that I had some, like,
mustard at the corner of my mouth.
- Uh-oh.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- You, like, reached out to wipe it off,
but the way you did it was,
like, super, like, tender.
Then, you came over and you
sat on my lap for some reason
and I was like, "Ooh,
I think I know where this is going."
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I'm feeling very uncomfortable
in the workplace right now.
I think the only way to get over this
is if we just hug it out.
- I don't think that's the way.
- Kay?
Come here.
- Come here.
- What are you doing?
Come on. We basically share a bed, bro.
What are you wait Mike!
You son of a bitch!
- Ike has a twin?
- Took you forever!
Holy shit.
Should've seen the look
on your face, Myawani.
You're such an idiot.
Lucy, that's my brother Mike.
Mike's a professor up at Seattle State.
That's the last time I'm gonna fall
for that whole sexual
harassment routine.
Is it, Andy?
- I don't think so.
- That's not even my laugh.
'Sup, Ikey? How are you?
Hey, Mike. You're here.
You guys not gonna hug?
Nah. We're not really huggers.
Yeah, these guys don't even shake hands.
We like to stay inside our
own quadrants, you know?
- Isn't that right, Ike?
- Yeah.
We have quadrants
and we just stick to them.
Seems kinda like a cop-out,
but whatever.
Oh, man! It's so good to see you.
- What have you been up to?
- Not much.
Just published a paper on
the moral significance of conscience.
It's, uh don't worry about it.
That sounds cool.
I've been pretty busy too.
I just debuted a new dance routine
set to "Wet the Bed" by Ludacris.
It's like it's pretty tricky.
That's great. You're a real artiste.
Mike, you know I don't speak French.
Yeah, Mike.
It's actually pronounced "artist-eh."
Are you being serious right now?
Yeah, come on.
I mean, it happens, Andy.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Ikey, uh,
can I talk to you in
private for a second, pal?
Yeah, of course. Sorry, guys.
Yeah, we can
Did you see how far up
my butt his hand was?
All right, now, you gotta
get around good in there, man.
You get all the DNA on that swab.
Man, I would hate to be that swab.
That poor little swab
woke up this morning
and was like,
"It's gonna be a good day."
I'm warning you,
this thing might come back
with high levels of pastrami.
Guys, how did I not know
that Ike has a twin?
Oh, no. Mike is here?
That guy is such a tool.
Yeah, and he put his finger
in my butt again.
- Blech.
- It's weird.
They're identical but
they seem so different.
I mean, clearly,
Mike is super switched on
- and Ike is well, you know.
- Hey.
It's not surprising when
you know the science.
When they were infants,
Mike obviously gravitated
toward the smart teat,
whereas Ike was
relegated to the dumb teat.
It was up to their mother
to rotate the breasts,
but she obviously fell down on the job.
Are we really doing this again?
That is not how biology works.
I wouldn't expect you to
understand this, pumpkin.
No offense, but you favored
the dumb teat too.
- Oh!
- Damn!
- No, I didn't.
- I feel bad for Ike.
He was already feeling insecure
and then his asshole brother shows up.
That guy always treats Ike like crap.
How so?
75 in a school zone, huh?
You're gonna wanna see my ID, I suppose?
Name's Ike Crystal.
I'm a fireman.
You're too sick
- to go to my sister's wedding.
- I'm sorry.
You weren't too sick last
night for a booty call.
I let you do butt stuff!
No, you you didn't.
What Ike!
- She gone?
- Yeah.
She is a beast in the sack, bro.
Hey, frosted tips. You want a spot?
Mike, don't!
- Did you feed Patches?
- Don't! I can't lift it!
- Come on, Mike!
- Feed the cats!
Don't, don't, don't!
- Open it!
- Aw, it's locked.
Don't you dare.
You know I feel it too, Ike.
- Open it then.
- Don't.
Don't punch yourself in the nuts.
You're such an idiot.
And the worst part?
Ike is the only one who doesn't see
what a dick his brother is.
Why is Mike such a dick?
Mean teat, nice teat?
Mm, I don't think so.
he always has a sketchy angle,
so we should watch out for Ike.
Good point. All right,
back to work, everybody.
Let's go.
I don't know.
Tweaky, I guess?
It's so cool we still know
our own twin language.
Look at us, huh?
Both took different paths,
but both very successful
in our own fields.
- That is true.
- You're doing great, man.
I mean, you're not married
or tenured like I am,
but you got a shared bunk,
decent pension I'm assuming,
and your landlord lets you
pay your rent in singles.
Is this still a compliment 'cause
Yeah, it started out that way.
Then it got a little truthy.
Point is you've got some
things that I don't have.
- Seriously?
- And like a good brother,
you're always willing to
share what you do have
with me.
Mike, you're not gonna ask to borrow
my license again, are you?
I owe so much money.
No, Ike. I need something else.
I want your sperm.
Hey, if I had a nickel
for every time a girl
asked me for my sperm,
I'd have a big bag of sperm
I mean, I'd have I'd be rich!
Susan and I are having trouble
conceiving a baby, Ike.
She's infertile?
Well, that would mean
Yeah, you nailed it, Ike.
So, Ike Bartholomew Crystal,
wanna help your brother have a baby?
This is a gigantic decision.
Yeah, it is.
Careful on that knuckle, pal.
I can feel that too, remember?
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
All right, mishpachah.
Time to get in touch with your roots.
And then afterwards, babka!
Oh, look at this. 22 and You.
I love it. Kaponko.
Is this the DNA thing?
- Yeah, Terry.
- That's exciting.
- This is so fun.
- Cool.
Oh, I knew it. Irish to me bones!
Look, that is the genetic marker
for the abnormally long ass crack.
Okay, the length of my ass crack
is well within normal range.
And there's the genetic marker
for Asymmetrowobblosis.
What's that?
That's the condition that
causes 90% of your body weight
to settle above your belly button.
And if it's left untreated,
it leads to topple-over-itis.
Which, in turn, can lead to
It says here my genetic
traits are low testosterone,
wet mouth, clammy hands,
and sensitive teeth.
I'm glad I don't have those traits.
It also says that Lucy
and I are descendants
of Genghis Khan.
- Hey, me too.
- Me too.
Everybody's related to Genghis Khan.
I am not.
It says here that I'm
related to Chaka Khan.
- Oh.
- Huh.
Says here that 90%
of my inherited traits
come from the Penisi
side and not the McConky.
You have a lot of McConky in you.
- Give me that thing.
- You wanna see my stats?
- Yeah, come on.
- All right.
- This can't be right.
- Sorry, Chiefy.
She's a Penisi through and through.
Penisis are cool.
Whatever. Gimme some babka.
Looks good, Granny.
Mmm. Oh, mmm.
Oh, my God. Ow! Oh, my teeth!
Penisis do not have sensitive teeth.
No. I don't like this one bit.
You are not like him.
Ow! Jesus!
Where's my toothpaste?
Why would you do that?
Why does it say I'm 6% Toblerone?
- Ooh.
- Not true.
The aroma of Tacoma comes from
the old pulp and paper mill.
You're wrong. Egg farms.
That's where the aroma comes from.
This is it on Checkipedia.
- So it's offish.
- Checkipedia.
- Yeah, that's wrong.
- What?
- It's in writing.
- It's in digital writing.
Ike, Ike, that's still charged.
Oh, my God!
Ay, caramba!
Are you okay?
Yeah. Sorry, guys.
I've just been really
preoccupied lately.
Mike asked me for my sperm for a baby.
After the shitty way
he's treated you all these years?
Cap, he doesn't treat me shitty.
You have to understand.
Guys, he's my brother.
That's brother stuff.
He could've asked anyone
for sperm for his baby.
You know who he asked?
Me. His identical twin.
Yeah, you should be flattered.
I know, right?
I feel like it could really
just bring us closer together,
you know, like, as brothers.
And plus, I gotta say,
it would be pretty sweet
to have sex with his wife.
I don't think that's a part of the deal.
- Because she's infertile.
- I said the same thing.
Ike, you do not want
the child of your seed
being raised by that bullying prick.
Cap, he's not a bully.
He's not a prick
either. He's my brother.
And what
- 'Sup, you big spaz?
- Ah, Mike, I knew it was you!
We always do this.
I'll flip you.
Let's go talk turkey baster.
Ah, Mike, you're so strong!
You even get that, Ike?
You get that joke?
Pah! Come on, get up, pal.
We gotta get this
insemination thing going.
That was awesome.
What do you say I take
you out for ice cream
and then you can jerk off in a cup?
To tell you the truth,
I haven't really made my
mind up about that yet.
Ike, this'll bring us
closer as brothers.
Okay, all right. I'll do it.
There you go! All right!
Hey, but first, two scoops of Rocky Road
with sprinkles!
You betcha.
Rocky Road followed by Rocky Load.
Oh, Rocky Road
with oh
Nut, man. Any kind of nut.
Oh, man.
Orange sherbet
and sugar and sperm.
Sugar and sperm? Oh, man.
I forgot you can't do puns.
I scream, you scream,
we all scream for Ike's cream.
Dang, that was funny.
Come on, buddy.
Sugar and sperm? Really, Ike?
Mm. Fast metabolism.
You know that's Penisi DNA.
You're welcome.
Regular sized cranium.
No McConky ham head for me.
You're welcome.
The gene for actually having a neck.
You're welcome. Kid, you're
a Penisi through and through.
Penisi through and through.
Penisi through and through.
But so anyways,
the pregnancy results
came back negative,
so I celebrated and I
went out to the track.
I ended up hooking up with
this 19-year-old jockey.
He was short, but he knew how to ride.
Oh, he knew how to ride!
I'm so lonely.
Ah, this is a cry for help.
Hey, Chief.
- Wanna try some kishke with me?
- Okay.
It's matzo stuffed in cow intestine.
Granny, come here, come here.
Listen, you're a man of science, right?
Why is it that Lucy has none of my DNA
and all of Eddie's DNA?
She has your DNA too.
It's just that the Penisi
gene is dominant.
Eddie is shallow and conceited
and he can't hold a relationship
and I don't want my daughter
growing up to be like him.
What makes us who we
are is not so simple, Chief.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a member of the 12 tribes.
Look, look, my kids are my legacy, okay?
And if they don't carry my traits,
when I'm gone, I cease to exist.
Then I suggest you bring out your traits
and show her the good things
about being a McConky.
Now, open.
Oh, okay.
What the hell is this?
This album is full of
your McConky ancestors
and their amazing accomplishments,
or as I like to call them,
Good one, Dad.
You know, I actually have
some work to do,
- but this looks really
- Okay. All right. Great.
This here is Seamus McConky,
your great-grandfather.
He was a successful fishmonger
in Cork, Ireland.
Also known to be extremely sturdy.
- Hmm.
- Look, that's your face.
- I'm not seeing it.
- Right in the eyes?
- Nah.
- Oh, okay.
He too had a daughter named Lucille.
I'm not a Lucille.
This is Cormac McConky,
famous for eating the last potato
before the great potato famine.
Legend has it, that potato?
It was au gratin.
You know, Dad,
you don't have to do this.
Aw, a little father-daughter time.
- How adorable.
- Hey, Mom. What's up?
Just swinging by.
I'm on my way to the hospital.
What is this about?
Everyone here did DNA tests
and Dad's a little freaked
out about my Penisi DNA,
so he's trying to impress me
with the McConky clan of McConky.
Her results were a little alarming.
Alarming? How?
There was a lot of Penisi DNA
and Eddie's been rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah, that's my DNA.
The good stuff?
It's the gene for caring,
patience, intelligence.
Those the traits you're concerned about?
I was not talking about that.
He's talking about Uncle Eddie.
I'm sorry, am I missing something?
Did you somehow, what,
fertilize Eddie's egg?
Course not, but sometimes,
I see his eyes
when I make love to you.
Oh, my gosh, Dad.
Holy hell.
Dad, you shouldn't have said that.
It's her brother.
Hoo! All right.
I hope that you don't ever think
that we're gonna have sex again
because I can't believe
you just said that.
Lucy, come on.
She's supposed to stay here with me.
And hear about Uncle Eddie's eyes?
- I don't think so.
- Wait, I'm the chief!
And I am her mother.
Penisi genes.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to figure out
what holidays I get off
now that I'm Jewish. It's amazing!
Look, they got Rosh Hashanah,
Yom Kippur,
Passover, Hanukkah.
Okay, I think there's more
to being Jewish
than just counting holidays
and trying new foods.
I'm sure there's something deeper
to it inside things
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, no.
I'm just saying that, you know,
maybe some of these DAN
tests are just wrong.
You don't have to pretend to
be dumb when Ike's not here.
I'm not!
- You think it's stuck?
- That's medically impossible.
What if this is permanent?
Like a Sharpie?
Or like when you cross
your eyes for too long
and then all of a sudden,
you're like a bird.
You see, like, both sides only
and you have to turn your head real fast
in order to see what's next to you.
What a day, what a day!
Today, I'll have you know,
I was part of the miracle of life.
You really went through with
helping your douchebag brother?
Gran, He's not a douchebag.
I mean well, even if he is,
I'll be around as a
symbol of undoucheyness
for the kid, so
Ike. Come on.
This might be the big news!
I know I found a new religion,
but fuck Mike.
Hey, big fella.
So talked to the doctor.
Your custard cut the mustard.
Ah! Mike!
All right, all right.
- Eh, oh?
- You know, stop, stop.
Just stop.
Oh, man!
I'm so excited to be part of a family.
About that.
Listen, Ikey,
Susan doesn't know that it's your sperm
and I think it's probably best if
we keep it that way, okay, pal?
What's she gonna think
when the baby comes out
and looks exactly like me?
Well, uh, Ike, we'll just
have to cross that bridge
when we get to it.
Well, it's gonna be fun
to be an uncle, I guess.
I'll always be that.
Listen, Ike, I think it's best
if the kid doesn't even know you exist.
He needs positive role models.
You understand, right?
I mean, I don't want him
growing up seeing you
and thinking he's gonna end up dumb.
But, still, hey.
Nice work, stud.
Sorry, Granny.
I just needed a moment to myself.
Sit down, my friend.
Sometimes, the man who wants to be alone
is the most in need of company.
It's my brother, Mike.
Just feel like he walks
all over me all the time.
There's an old Yiddish saying:
"Klieg, Klieg, Klieg Du bist a Nar."
What does that mean?
"You are smart, smart, smart,
but you are not so smart."
What does that mean?
You're missing the big picture.
In the Torah, it teaches us
that the highest form
of wisdom is kindness.
That is where you are smarter than Mike.
And you can use that against him.
Yeah, like in a race or something.
Or you can Cain and Abel him
and crack him over the head with a rock.
Ah, no. I'm not gonna murder him.
Thanks though, Granny.
I always wanted a Jewish granny.
Of course.
Oh, wait.
Think I have a better idea.
Hey. Ike here?
Said he had something
important to tell me.
Oh, hey, Mike. Thanks for coming.
I just got some crazy news.
We all took this DNA test
and given our recent transaction,
I think you're gonna be
interested in the results.
- Sure.
- Turns out
the Crystal lineage can be traced
all the way back to
sixth-century Norway.
- Wow, no way.
- Norway.
- Anyway
- Norway.
- Go away.
- Right away.
the Crystals are direct descendants
of a Viking named Erik the Dum.
Erik the Dum?
He's from the Moron region of Norway.
And according to this,
Erik the Dum was a carrier
of the gene PRDX22.
That's also known as "the dumb gene."
So what? I definitely
don't have a dumb gene.
Doesn't really matter, Mike. I do.
I just need you to know
because your wife is carrying my seed,
your kid is gonna have the dumb gene.
Is this a joke?
You expect me to believe
that there is a Erik the Dum
from the Moron region of Norway?
We were all surprised too.
I'll just look it up.
Such an idiot.
Ah. "Erik the Dum."
"Erik the Dum,
"a Viking from the
Moron region of Norway.
"Widely perceived to
be the stupidest Viking
ever to become"
Holy shit.
Yeah. Sorry, brother.
You idiot!
You put your dumb genes into my wife
and condemned my kid
to a life of stupidity?
I asked you for one thing
and you screwed it up, didn't you?
Like you screw up your entire life!
Whoa, man!
It's okay. No, no, no, no, no.
Guys, guys, guys,
don't cross over into his zone.
- He's not worth it.
- Oh, no, cross the line! Come on!
I'll take you all on!
I'm a master of Wishu Shishu karate!
You know what, Mike?
For years, you have been
treating me like dirt
and all I've ever done is
been nice to you in return.
That ends now.
You know, I may not be book smart
or word smart or
university smart like you,
but guess what?
I'm hose smart, axe smart,
fire truck driving smart, Mike.
And guess what?
I'm also just a nice person.
Wow. I gotta write that one down.
It's brilliant.
A very good friend of
mine once said to me,
"The highest form of wisdom
is kindness."
My friend, that makes you
one of the stupidest people I know.
By the way, you suck at making puns.
You know what, Mike?
You suck
at making sons.
That's a rhyme. That's a rhyme.
- It's not a
- Yeah!
Say hi to Mom for me.
Me too.
- Oh, man.
- That was awesome.
Oh, man, you came up
with that, like, so
Yeah, I just thought of it
and I was like
- Fast.
- Puns, puns, puns, think.
Oh, okay, I'm doing it wrong now, but
- Oh, no, you got it.
- Wow.
Hook, line, and blinker, man.
Yeah. Definitely.
- Yeah.
- Right?
I know, it's almost like
the flashlight is on.
That's a fat violin.
Guys. My brother texted me.
Turns out the pregnancy didn't take.
His wife's not pregnant.
- Yeah, yeah!
- Nice!
Apparently, my sperm went
right into her spleen or something.
So wait, what's up
with those test results?
Oh, no, it's fake.
We made it all up just
to piss my brother off.
Man. What about that
Checkipedia page then?
It's fake. Yeah.
Granny created a fake page.
Oh, my goodness.
What about the dumb gene?
We made everything up.
What about Moron,
Norway? What about that?
None of it is real, Andy.
I still don't get it.
When is this gonna fix itself, Andy?
You get used to it.
- Oh, man.
- All right, guys.
Who's ready for Peaches Penisi?
- Looks amazing!
- Wow!
- Fork?
- Thank you.
- Hey, Chief, do you want some?
- Oh, no.
It's too sweet for my teeth.
You don't know what you're missing.
Oh, my teeth!
- Oh, this kills.
- What's the matter?
Dad, is this what it feels like
to have sensitive teeth?
- They feel sensitive? Really?
- Oh, yeah.
Maybe you could coach me through it?
Oh, okay. I have special toothpaste,
- I could share it with you.
- Great.
Hold on.
This is so freaking delicious.
You old softy. I know what you did.
I guess that's my McConky side.
Yeah. You know what?
Who wants more Peaches Penisi?
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