Tacoma FD (2019) s02e11 Episode Script

The Firefighter's Ball: Part 2

I've been hearing about
the Firefighters' Ball my entire life.
I've got my date lined up.
An opera singer. She's super funny.
I hear you have a great sense of humor.
She's saving her voice for
her performance tomorrow.
I should be your wingman!
I don't know if we should
do the whole sling thing.
It has the effect of making
me look incredibly weak.
You'd look incredibly strong.
You guys remember Gene, right?
- Oh, hey, Gene.
- Everyone, this is my mom.
Literally the spitting image of his mom.
Doesn't that make you uncomfortable?
I would hate to be chief.
I like my life the way it is.
I'm gonna stop you right there, Phil.
Eddie does not want to be a chief.
Did you tell the personnel office
that I didn't want that chief job?
Great, look what you did. We're stuck.
The fire's out, now you wanna be ♪
Where the laughs are free ♪
I asked you a question, Terry.
Did you screw me out of that chief job?
- No.
- Wolf Boykins says you did.
Oh, you're gonna believe
Wolf Boykins now?
A guy you publicly humiliated
on multiple occasions?
Is it true or not?
- It's not that simple.
- That's it.
Oh, you're gonna fight me now?
Okay, I'll fight you
after we get out of the elevator.
Okay, good call, good call.
Okay, wingman. What's the strategy?
- Women are like snowflakes.
- No two are alike.
No, they're 70% water.
What are you talking about?
- What?
- We got this.
We're gonna turn around,
talk to these two ladies.
Fitzpatrick, right? Station 41?
Crystal, Station 24. I heard about you.
What happened to your arm?
- Oh, I fell hanging art.
- You're an art lover?
Super wimpy, though, too, right?
I mean, I was on this tiny,
little stool, and it's like
- And I fell
- This is my friend Rodriguez.
Oh, ¿cómo estás?
Y tu mamá también.
Did you ladies remember
to bring one of these?
You think you're gonna find anyone
here without their challenge coin?
What are you, new?
- Oh!
- Right?
I hope your friend brought hers.
- Oh.
- Okay, all right.
- There you go.
- Okay.
This is my friend Andy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Andy loves rom-coms.
- I do.
Also loves playing Scrabble with chicks.
- I do.
- He also likes baking.
Yeah, I have Bundt cakes and stuff.
I can't find my coin.
Wait, wait, what? You got to do a shot.
Actually, you got to do two shots.
Bourbon, right over here
in front of the little guy.
I thought that just meant
that I was gonna be
buying you guys drinks.
It's an open bar.
You got to do the shots.
Both of them.
That's weird,
'cause we specifically talked
about the coins.
Get your game together, ladies.
- I know, right?
- Yeah.
See ya. Adiós.
I thought I had it, man!
- I just
- You don't have your coin?
I must've left it in
my "D&D" wizard room.
- This is gonna be a problem.
- I know.
Me too!
Hey, I know you got to save your voice
for your performance, but let's dance.
Why not?
Let's get you a bit to eat, all right?
You're a great dancer.
I think we're gonna spend a
lot of time out here tonight.
- Mind if we cut in?
- Oh, hey, Mom!
Hey, you two!
Hey, who wants to do a conga line?
- Conga!
- Yeah!
- We got a problem.
- What?
- Honey, you okay in there?
- We're fine.
Except he's an asshole!
Okay, well, we should be
able to get you out quickly
with a hotel full of firefighters.
Step aside, folks. We got this.
Hey, what happened to your sling?
Oh, uh, no, when
my friends are in trouble,
I don't even think about the pain.
It's like
- I'll be put back on later.
- That's so cool.
We're gonna need something stronger.
Move aside, guys.
It's clobberin' time.
- Whoa.
- All right.
It's jammed really good.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, good job.
- Hey, guys.
- Hang on, coming through.
- Everybody stand back.
- Do not do that!
No, it's okay. We're firefighters.
No, this has happened before.
These are old elevators
Very volatile.
We need to call the elevator company.
That's the safest way to handle this.
I'm gonna call them right now.
- Come on, we can do this.
- Definitely.
I don't know about that.
You ever hear about the
stuck elevator in Olympia?
- No.
- Firefighter popped his head
in to look and bam!
Elevator fell. Took his head right off.
The worst part was people
were stuck in that elevator
for 12 hours with that head.
- Hoo!
- Eyes open like this.
Let's just get the elevator guys here.
I hate caution.
It's okay. Go have some fun.
We'll be out soon.
No way we leave you alone!
No way, no how, never!
You crazy son of a bitch.
What are you thinking?
- I love that.
- Okay, so I talked to
the elevator repair company.
It's kind of funny
Today is actually the Elevator
Repairmans' Ball as well.
The elevator repairmen have a ball?
Yeah, it's up in Seattle at the Ritz.
The Ritz? What are we doing wrong?
Beg your pardon?
I don't know what he was saying.
They're trying to get somebody out here
as quickly as possible,
but it might be a few hours.
- Hours?
- Sorry, best we can do.
And we can all wait at the bar, right?
- Yeah, let's wait at the bar.
- I was thinking that, man.
- Sounds like a plan.
- Good idea.
- Not gonna have fun, though.
- No fun.
Donna, go have fun. I'll be out soon.
Hurry up and get out of there.
I want to play with Cinderella.
She wants to play, too.
You go, too, Vick. I'll be out soon.
Seems like you weren't planning
on spending any time with me,
anyway, so
Now, where were we?
You know, the repairmen should be able
to get us out pretty easily,
if they ever show up.
Terry, were you given
a chance to recommend me?
- Yes.
- And what did you say?
You told me you never wanted to be chief
and that you liked
your life the way it is,
- and I told them.
- I never said any of that.
You said a million times
you'd never want to be chief.
Bullshit. Name one time.
Your job sucks.
I would never want to be chief.
I would never be chief.
Never be chief.
Chief? Me? No way.
I'd rather eat a bug than be a chief.
You couldn't pay me enough to be chief.
I would hate to be the chief.
I would never be chief.
I would never be chief.
What did Eddie the Dolphin say
when he was asked if
he wanted to be chief?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
I'd rather have the
devil fuck me up the ass
with his white-hot,
barbed dick than be chief.
I was peacocking.
Never believe me when I'm peacocking.
You're always peacocking.
Of course I want to be chief.
That's the easiest job in the world.
All you do is yell at people
and ruin the good times.
That's silly. That's not the job.
Clean the axes. Do the inventory.
I'm banning gambling.
Do I make myself clear?
- That's me?
- Yeah, that's you.
- Great bit.
- It is a good bit.
You have no idea what
you're talking about.
Yeah? Our friendship is over,
and I am leaving Station 24 immediately.
- Fine, I'll transfer you.
- Good.
I'll transfer you to the shit shack.
Anywhere is better than being with you.
You can go hang out with Captain Dooley.
Or should I say Chief Dooley?
Yeah, you heard me.
- Boop-boop!
- Candy.
Did you forget your challenge coin?
Don't even bother answering that.
It's a rhetorical question.
And two, two. Deuces, deuces.
I spat in that one.
- Get in there.
- Ooh, trifecta.
- You are screwed, bub.
- Does everybody know?
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, everybody!
- Hey!
Myawani forgot his challenge coin!
Hey, how about the photo booth, huh?
- Photo booth!
- Whoo!
I want the pink, feathery thing!
Mmm, some really good stuff here.
Can I get you something?
- You're not gonna talk, dance, or eat?
What's the point in coming?
I'm being selfish?
I'm being selfish,
and I'm a terrible communicator?
Ophelia. Damn it.
It's stuffy in here.
Must be all your hot air.
Hey, guys. Guys?
What's up, Andy?
You still hanging out in here
with Darth Vader's wife, Ella?
- What are you talking about?
- Ella Vader!
Hey, guys,
Andy forgot his challenge coin,
and everyone found out,
so, of course,
they're all making him do shots.
Anyway, talked to the manager,
and he said no word yet
from the elevator guys,
but we'll keep you posted.
I'll throw you up some
shrimp later maybe.
- Come on, Andy!
- Yeah, yeah, coming.
One more thing, one more thing,
one more thing.
- Really?
- We're your superior officers.
- I'm the chief!
- Sorry, guys, I'll get him
Oh, God, oh, God!
- Are you sick?
- It's in my mouth.
Oh, my God.
Now it's stuffy in here.
Ike, you're gonna get the
commemorative baseball
for 350.
Twirling spaghetti fork.
It's so hard to twirl,
especially when
it's al dente.
Lucy McConky, you're al dente.
I don't know, I'm sleepy.
No more conga lines. You're mine now.
- Here we go.
- All right.
All right, three, two
All right, goofy one.
Here's Mommy!
- Mother!
- Coming in.
What is this, a glory hole?
I'm kidding, I know it's not.
This elevator go to the penthouse?
Let's hit the buffet before
all the radishes are gone!
Great idea, Wolf.
I'll grab the pictures.
- Get me doubles.
- You know I will, Mom.
These are so good. Look at these.
I've actually been
meaning to talk to you.
I'm a Russian sailor! I want "wodka"!
- Let me see.
- Check 'em out.
Has anybody ever told you that
you look just like your mom?
- Andy.
- What are you talking about?
What's going on?
- Look at these pictures.
- I don't need to
Remember when you were talking
and you saying that Gene and
Jean have the same barber?
Whoa, no!
And then they get a family discount.
Hey, Gene, do you get a family discount?
I did not say that!
- Hey, Brad.
- Here you go, buddy.
Oh, not another
He doesn't need any more drinks.
Don't drink it, don't do it.
- Don't
- Mm.
Do svidaniya, y'all!
- Go.
- Oh, it's okay now?
Let's eat.
I did not say that.
I would never say something like that.
Were you there?
Oh, yeah, that's good.
You know what?
We got to get out of here.
There's got to be, like,
a lever down here
or something maybe Like, a button?
Did it ever occur to you
that the entire world
does not want to see
your disgusting ass crack?
Has it ever occurred to you
to chew your gum with your mouth closed
instead of like a starving horse?
At least I'm presentable.
You just scratched your
armpits underneath your shirt.
You could go over the shirt,
but you went on your naked skin,
and then you smelled your fingers.
That's disgusting.
And you know what else is disgusting?
You suck on your ear buds
after they've been in your ear.
You wear socks with flip-flops.
- That's my ninja boot.
- You're not a ninja!
You don't know.
The thong is sticking between your toes.
- Feels great.
- It's disgusting.
You got clammy hands,
a wet mouth, elephant elbows.
For the record,
you'd make a shitty chief.
For the record,
the only reason you're even a chief
is 'cause you married my sister
and my dad gave you that job to
put some money in your pocket.
- Bullshit!
- Ask him.
He's the one who told me.
That's it.
Figure four, bitch! Figure four!
I'm lifting up, I'm lifting up!
Yeah, yeah, you like it.
You're tearing my cheek!
I can do whatever I want!
- Eat 'em all.
- Those are for lovemaking!
- Hey, look at her arm!
- That's an embarrassment, man!
You take all that creatine!
I can't believe it. It's so powerful!
I usually don't even like
to show it off like this,
but with all these adrenaline
junkies in the house
Hey, She-Hulk, you want to dance?
- Whoa, hey, pal.
- Whoa, pal.
You need to cool it right
- Crystal, quick question.
- Yeah?
You need help getting out
of that shirt tonight?
Yeah, maybe.
Ikey, Ikey, don't you have to wait
for your divorce to finalize first?
- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?
That's he's kidding.
What do you mean? You forgot?
- He's really drunk.
- It's your third one.
Wow, okay, you guys have fun tonight.
No, Fitzpatrick, he's he's kidding.
- She gave us the okay!
- What's your problem, man?
Dick tap!
I thought the elevator was gonna drop
- when you body-slammed me.
- Yeah, so did I.
Give me ten minutes,
then we're going round two.
- My pleasure.
- Yeah, my pleasure.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Granny. What's up?
I brought you guys something.
- Very thoughtful of you.
- How's the party?
I was really excited about my date,
but she's been a dud.
I'm sorry to hear it.
The manager says the
elevator guys are on the way.
I'm not sure the ETA,
but they should be here soon.
And which one of y'all farted in here?
- Ugh.
- That's another long story.
Really? You're gonna crack that?
Terry, at midnight,
that strong-arm HJ is
walking out that door,
out of my life forever.
At midnight,
they're gonna play my salsa song,
and I'll be stuck in here,
and all I've done is be a dick to Vicky,
and she doesn't deserve it.
And by the way, Terry, it's sal-sa.
- Sawl-sa.
- S okay.
I say we wrestle when we get to here.
Everybody, everybody.
Well, it's official. My date sucks.
My date's not even speaking to me.
I thought she already
wasn't speaking to you.
Yeah, but she lost her pad.
She can't say anything without it.
At least you have a date.
Mine's cheating on me with his mom.
Oh, your date is an easy fix.
Mine is stuck in an elevator.
How is mine an easy fix?
Look, I know you hate Wolf,
but he's your ticket.
Have him take that mom home,
and your path is clear.
Just got to nudge him a little bit.
Mom, you are a genius!
Thank you.
Whoa, Vicky.
Super modern of you
to help your daughter
have sex like that.
Guess I didn't think about it that way.
Why is there so many oranges in here?
You're a robot.
Mailbox, fire hydrant, vacuum cleaner.
Marry, screw, kill?
I would definitely screw the mailbox,
and here's why.
Hey, how you guys doing in there?
Vicky. Oh, I missed you.
It's almost midnight.
I'm gonna go home,
relieve the babysitter.
Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, don't go, don't go.
We'll be out soon.
It hasn't been a good night,
and when you do get out of here,
you're gonna be three
sheets to the wind.
Vick, please stay. I have a surprise.
What surprise?
Uh, I'm gonna get an award at midnight.
What kind of award?
It's a firefighter award
for being a firefighter.
What are you talking about?
If I'm not out of here,
you need to accept the award for me.
I will stay here until midnight,
but then I am going home.
Oh, thank you, honey. I love you.
You keep digging yourself
into a deeper hole.
No, no, no. We get out of here,
we dance, and it'll all be worth it.
Hi, fellas.
The elevator repairman was pulled
over, and he got a DUI.
But they sent another guy.
And hopefully he should be here in time.
Hang in there.
Mm. Worst Firefighter Ball ever.
- We wrestle again in five.
- My pleasure.
- Hey, Wolf.
- McConky.
You and Jean really got
a good thing going, huh?
Women have a hard time
resisting the musk of the Wolf.
I hear ya.
She told me she wants to
go home with you tonight.
- She did?
- She said she hopes
you take her to the Wolf's Den.
- I'm freezing.
- Really? Okay.
What what what do I say?
Just walk right up to her and tell her
- you want to get out of here.
- All right.
Thanks, kid.
Gene, I really like you,
but my friends think we should break up
because you look like your mom
and you kind of seem like
you just want to date her.
What's up, mama?
What do you say we make like
the wind and blow out of here?
Well, Lucy,
you look just like your father,
and that's worse.
So go fuck yourself.
And you how dare you be so forward?
Mother! What's the matter?
These people are no good for you.
I'm sorry, Lucy. It's over.
Let's go, Mother.
Well, you know what they say.
When a door closes, a window opens
Oh, fuck off, Wolf.
Let's get that coffee into you,
hey, pal?
Time to sober up a bit, right, buddy?
But only for a minute,
and then I'm gonna go back to drinking.
Or maybe not, right?
I'm sorry for cockblocking you,
man, I just
- Don't.
- You must be pissed at me.
I'm not. Hey, I'm not pissed at you.
Are you hey, wake up.
I actually want to thank
you for being a good friend.
Hey, no, no.
Don't hey, don't kiss my hand.
- Andy.
- I can't even get it.
Look at Look at me, it's Ike.
Stop, look at me.
- I want to apologize to you.
- Huh?
I was trying to stay true
to my Celibat-ember vows,
and it was almost impossible,
except you made it possible,
and I want to thank you, little buddy.
I want to thank you, my man.
Don't cry, man. You're all right, pal.
- Hey, Ike.
- Oh, hey.
It looks like my date is all tied up,
and the combo of your
wounded arm and my strong arm
is really doing a number with my head.
Do you want to get out of here?
I got a confession to make.
My arm's not really hurt.
I made it all up because I
wanted Andy to look strong
and me to look weak so Andy
could meet someone, you know?
'Cause he's my best
friend and he deserves it.
Andy! Stop drinking!
It's not mine!
Your selflessness only
makes me want you more.
Let's go.
- We're all going?
- No, no, hey, hey.
You're staying here Drink coffee, okay?
Don't drop me, don't drop me.
If I may, I think that your
mustache has grown quite thick
over the past year.
- Congratulations.
- You know what?
I don't think you look like
David Arquette anymore.
I think you look like De Niro.
- De Niro?
- Like a young De Niro, though.
- Mm.
- Not CGI bullshit De Niro.
- Young De Niro?
- Do the do it.
Terry, I'm sorry I said
you only got the chief job
because you were married to Vicky.
It was mean.
- It's probably true.
- No, it's not true.
You're the best chief
I've ever worked for,
and I confess that I
have said a million times
that I never wanted to be chief
and if I had just been truthful,
we wouldn't be stuck in this elevator.
- Mm.
- It's my fault.
I should've told them that
you'd be a great chief
and then let you decide.
No, you were trying to do what's right.
- No.
- I just said I didn't want to be chief.
You know why You know why I did that?
- I'm a bad person.
- No.
- Yes, I am.
- No, sir, you are a good person.
You're a good
- Jesus.
- Oh, come on.
Really, again?
You take it.
Don't you vomit in here.
- Don't vomit.
- She didn't talk to me.
Get your head out of the hole.
- Get out of here.
- Nice rose petals, bitches!
Oh, midnight.
- Oh, boy.
- The witching hour.
There's my song.
Good for him.
Good for him.
Terry, put that outfit on.
My night might be over,
but I'm gonna salsa with you.
You get that outfit on right now,
Terry McConky.
You get up here and look.
Oh, for God's sake.
Jeez, that was fast.
Oh, my God.
Stop looking into my eyes,
you weirdo, look into hers.
Oh, right.
I feel like Whoopi Goldberg in "Ghost."
Ophelia, you got a show to prepare for,
and I was being selfish.
Please forgive me.
Where'd you find your pad?
Kegels. Plenty of kegels.
What the hell?
Hey, all right!
- Whoa, hey.
- Yes!
Yeah, yes.
Oh, hold on.
I was going up.
I'm starving.
Let's hit a diner, my treat.
Whoa, hot lettuce sandwiches
for everybody.
I kind of thought I'd be hanging out
- with somebody else about now.
- Oh, me too.
I almost forgot.
Here's what you guys won
at the silent auction.
Uh, I didn't bid on anything.
Neither did I. We were
stuck in an elevator.
Uh, someone named Terry
McConky and Eddie Penisi
owe the charitable fund
$1,000 for their prizes.
I won dinner with Chief Terry McConky
of the Tacoma Fire Department.
Oh, that's gonna be a loud meal.
Oh, I love that guy.
I won dinner with brand-new
Fire Chief Dooley.
Oh, okay. Want to trade?
Uh, no. I'd rather eat with myself.
There's nobody I'd rather eat
with less than old Glass Eye.
Hey, eh.
Hey, hey, hold up!
You guys going out for late-night bites?
I could eat some 'za.
It's the least you could do
after blowing my score tonight.
That is not on me.
I might've had my first mother-son combo
if it weren't for this
little jock-blocker.
Say, Eddie,
Terry tell you about his
"recommendation call"
he made for you?
Ditch him!
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