Tacoma FD (2019) s03e08 Episode Script

Eddie the Chief

- What the hell's this?
Oh, well, okay.
No touchies.
That board is for rank-and-file
union business only.
Off limits to you, Chiefie.
All right, then you take it down.
But I made it "owl" by myself.
I don't have time for pun and games.
That's a pun.
I gotta prep for the council meeting.
I got to start
the Baker Fiscal Reporter.
Wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah.
Take it down now!
Okay. I'll
hop to it.
I'm the boss, Eddie.
Oh, we all know "hoo" is the boss.
But you don't have to be so
serious about it all the time.
Sometimes you are as boring
as that sweet tea you like to drink.
Sweet tea is reliable
and neutral, like me!
I prefer my chief to
be a root beer float,
effervescent, with a pinch
of sassy-fras, like me.
Mom and Dad are fighting again.
Mom over here thinks
that being in charge
is like having a soft drink.
You're the mom. You're the one who says
things like, "I'm doing
this for your own good."
And, "Don't take that
tone of voice with me."
- That's you.
- I don't think I like
the gender inferences
being used in this argument.
- Then stay out of it.
- Hey.
Why is this fridge always a disaster?
And where's my sweet tea?
Sometimes I wish I was
chief so I could show you
- how to do this job properly.
- And I wish I could just
lie around all day and
do nothing like you.
Oh, you think I just lie around all day?
I work for a living.
I don't sit behind a
desk drinking sweet tea.
- That's for sure.
- I think I got it back here.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh, Dad! Dad, are you okay?
- Ahh, my back.
- Hey, Chief.
I found your sweet tea.
Screw you, Eddie.
Don't worry.
"Owl" drink your tea.
- You're the mom.
- No, you're the mom.
You're the mom!
- Oh.
- Well, this is different.
Good morning, everybody.
- Ooh!
- Hey, blinded by the white.
Okay. Okay.
Due to Chief McConky's herniated disc,
you are now all looking
at Acting Chief Penisi.
Oh, baby!
Get well soon, Chief.
But also congratulations, Chief.
Thank you, Ikey. Too kind. Too kind.
Speaking of Chief McConky,
I'm gonna do things differently.
And like any new leader,
I plan on reversing
a few of my predecessor's policies.
So who wants a TV in the bunk room?
- Oh, yeah!
- Yes!
And from now on, whenever we vote here,
we do it by wave.
So let's go again. Who
wants gambling back?
Ikey, given your seniority,
I am naming you Hand to the Chief.
Your job is to help me
make sure things run
smoothly around here.
All in favor?
- Nice.
- Thanks, guys.
Oh, wait, don't we need
a replacement captain?
Knock, knock. Who's there?
That's me, bitches. What's up?
Wait a minute.
Frenchie, were you just in the hallway
waiting for somebody to announce you?
Oh, no, I was waiting out there
for somebody to stand up.
Tap. You're it.
And due to my recent promotion,
it's Captain Frenchie.
We're finally the same rank, Penisi.
I don't think so.
Do you see the white
shirt? He's the chief now.
Oh, for two weeks tops.
And during that time,
I command you to not bring us down
'cause we're gonna have fun around here.
Which reminds me, Nok hockey,
air hockey, or bubble hockey?
Why choose one? Can't we have all three?
You're goddamn right we can.
All right, everybody, get to work.
Hey, Andy, you sure you're a dude?
I couldn't find your
dick when I tapped it.
- It's there.
- Hey, Ike.
Don't worry about Frenchie, okay?
He doesn't respect the fact
that I'm chief like you do.
You're my guy.
What kind of stuff would
I have to do though?
All leaders need a right-hand man
to help them lead.
And also to let them know
the behind-the-scenes stuff
on whether or not people
are digging the vibe.
So can you do that for me?
I accept the hand job.
- Chief.
- Dismissed.
All right, all right.
All right, listen up.
Going over the chores here.
For the duration of my stay,
Lucy, you will be on kitchen cleanup.
Why? 'Cause I'm the girl?
No, you just seem like you'd
be good at folding linens.
All right, Andy, you will
be in charge of the food run.
Come on, I did that last shift.
- I wasn't here last shift.
- I hate that job.
Everybody always complains,
and no one's ever satisfied.
It's 'cause you're always
getting the wrong stuff, bro.
You came back here with
Hydrox instead of Oreos.
- Same thing, bro.
- No, it's not, bro.
Oreos are a cultural touchstone.
While Hydrox is something
that you give to
prisoners in a food line.
And plus, you always get bruised apples.
So my advice, don't get bruised apples.
Yeah, bro, didn't anyone ever
teach you how to choose fruit?
Shut up. Everybody just shut up.
See, I already hate this job.
You're on shopping duty,
and that's it, okay?
Here is my list, and get
the morel mushrooms, okay?
Not the chanterelles, big difference.
What, are you gonna chip into the fund?
Captain of the B shift
doesn't chip in for the A shift.
But, Frenchie, you eat all our food.
- You should chip in.
- Ooh. Don't mind if I do.
Just don't touch my cake, man.
Oh, come on, man.
You're about to eat it right now.
No name, fair game.
That frosting literally said
"Thank you, Granny," on it.
I don't see any name on here.
It was there, but you just ate it.
It's said Granny on it.
- I don't see a name on it.
- He coaches soccer.
They gave that to him.
That's his special cake.
He's been waiting
a long time to eat that.
You know what? I'm not a fan.
You guys can have it.
Gather around, everyone.
While I was getting
acquainted with my new office,
I came across this.
- The Bin of Sin!
- That's right.
All the stuff Terry
confiscated over the years
is being returned to you
now by your favorite
What's my title, Frenchie?
Ch ch ch
Ch ch chief?
Oh, okay, be careful. I can fire you.
It's chief. You know it's chief.
Okay. Let's see here.
Ah. fidget spinner for my friend Ike.
- Ah-ha! Well done.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah. Now, what?
Okay, here we go. What's
this, a luchador mask?
- I think that's underwear.
- Oh, yeah, it's mine.
Why does Chief have your underwear?
A gentleman never asks,
a lady never tells.
Oh, well done.
It's my Blockazoids game!
Do you think that's a good idea, Granny?
I mean, you kind of got
lost in that game last time.
Blockazoids is more than a game.
It is a way of life.
I didn't even get to level 12
before Chief confiscated it.
Chief, I'm not really sure
if that's a great idea.
No disrespect. Just
trying to be your hand.
Okay, okay. We'll keep an eye on him.
Oh, hey, what's this?
Oh, that's my Tamanachi,
the original '90s pet.
Treasure it, Lucy. My gift to you.
- And keep it safe. It's
- Yeah.
It was once special, but
now it's being passed on.
Thanks, guys.
- Andy, add butter to the list.
- I just got butter.
Yeah, you got unsalted butter.
- Get salted.
- You got unsalted butter?
- Unsalted?
- Who gets unsalted?
Are you out of your mind?
Did you do it purpose?
It was an accident.
My chair!
What the hell?
How many hockey games they have in here?
What's all that shit in the garage?
Where's the furniture?
Are you shittin' me?
Oh, Andy, you know you're
into me for 50 on the side.
Yeah, buddy.
Level 12. I still got it.
You know what, new
chief, I gotta tell you,
this is so much fun, and
I feel like the station
in general is just
running smoother than ever.
Oh, yeah, I actually had no
idea it could be this good.
Looks like you guys are having fun.
Hey, what's up, Terry?
Who had Terry showing up on day four?
- Oh, that was me.
- Oh!
- Oh, come on!
- Oh, yes!
- You hungry? Have some food.
- No, I'm good.
Can't really eat with my meds, so
- Have a cheese ball.
- Yeah.
Oh, boy.
What are you doing here, Terry?
Well, my daughter's learning
to play the clarinet at home,
and it was driving me crazy, so
I think you came to check up on me.
But as you can see, it's going great.
Yeah, yeah, the apparatus floor
looks like a Dave & Buster's.
The break room looks
like a hookah lounge.
And I found my chair
in the dumpster outside.
Well, surely, you don't expect me
to sit in another man's
blast zone, do you?
No. I need a chair that's
more apropos of my chiefdom.
Speaking of which.
What's behind this door, hmm?
What chief-y secrets
are you keeping in here?
- You got scotch, cigars?
- It's nothing.
Oh, well, if it's nothing, why don't you
just give me the key and
I'll have a little looksee?
- I don't have a key.
- Hmm.
Hey, old chief.
Chief, got your breakfast.
Thank you, Ikey. How about
right on my desk, please?
You got it.
Hey, did you see Hoser?
- Yeah, great to see him back.
- Awesome, right?
Oh, Ike, will you let Frenchie know
that I'm in the mood for some Bolognese.
You bet.
And will get some Tomaso's
tomatoes for the sauce, please?
- You got it.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, Chiefie.
See, Terry, chiefing is easy.
I show up for work in the morning.
I leave the same day.
I have my breakfast delivered to me.
Eddie, you'll find that
being chief is more than that.
You have to make some tough decisions.
Can you believe my GAK
retained its slime
after all these years?
Okay, I got to go find
some place hard to lie down.
Hey, Captain, I was looking over
your list again and I saw "en-dive."
You mean "ahn-deev"?
I always thought it was "en-dive."
- What's endive?
- Bitter lettuce.
It's pronounced "ahn-deev." Okay?
Comes from the Latin
word "ahn-deev-ion,"
which means "angry seagrass."
And it is not bitter when I make it.
Well, all the things that you want,
maybe you want to
pitch in to the fund-ue.
Tomaso's tomatoes?
Okay, that's a big no.
Ah, that is a request
straight from chief.
That's the base for his Bolognese.
Okay, he may be chief, but I'm chef,
so I'm in charge of the ingredients.
And his Bolognese is
a big fat no-lognese!
You see what I did?
Oh, this is a super unhealthy list.
Come on, you don't need six
different kinds of chips, okay?
No, you guys can just share the
family size of the Hot Cheezos.
Am I forgetting anything
else? I think this is it.
Oh, I know what I'm forgetting.
One thing, there is one thing.
I don't need to write that down anymore.
Okay, this list is officially sealed.
Can we do something other
than the Hot Cheezos?
I don't think my dad will go for that.
The dust always burns his gums.
Actually, I'm in on the Hot Cheezos.
It might be nice to feel
a different kind of pain.
Oh, God.
Damn it. Come on.
Hey, Chief.
Hey, Ikey, come on in. Have a seat.
Nice. Are you working
on something there?
Yeah, I'm trying to get this door
Oh, you all right?
Yeah, just messing around.
I'm just fooling around.
I used to have one of these.
Just gotta ohh!
Ah, man.
You okay? You seem a little tense.
Just a little nervous. I
think you make me nervous.
Maybe it's the white shirt.
Yeah, well, I would
say, I'll take it off.
But I kind of like it.
Yeah. Okay, what do you got?
Okay, so
Frenchie is taking everything
you want off the grocery list.
And Hoser has been pissing
in the shower constantly
because Lucy doesn't walk him at all.
For real?
Permission to speak freely for a second?
- Yeah.
- This whole feeding you
information thing just makes
me a little uncomfortable.
You know, I feel like my
heart's racing all the time.
The hand job is really hard.
The hand job, that's the
toughest job there is.
I feel like they know
something, you know,
when I'm walking by, and
I'm like I think they're
looking at me like they
know I'm up to something.
Don't worry, you'll get
used to playing both sides.
I did. In the meantime,
make the Bolognese happen.
I believe in you, Ike.
I'll get out of here.
I always mess around in these.
Just fooling around.
- You want me to drive?
- No, I will.
I feel like if I practice
changing lanes really quickly,
I'll be able to get to level 17.
And just
getting that piece right here.
It's always the square ones. Turn
I don't think it's
safe for you to drive.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I want to play my Blockazoid.
Hey, hey, hey. Yoink.
Chief wants to add
back a couple of items.
Oh, Frenchie already
sealed the list, so
This is for Chief. Okay?
Tomaso's tomato sauce.
You know, Frenchie added
a bunch of things to this
Ground beef.
List already without
kicking into the fund.
So I can't add all this stuff.
A lot of this stuff we do not need.
Like butter cream. No.
Well, no, no, we need the Fresca,
and we need the crunchy peanut butter.
- People are gonna be pissed.
- Hey, don't worry about it.
As long as Chief gets what
he wants, we're gonna be fine.
Okay? Hurry up.
My stomach hurts already.
Banana chips? You didn't get bananas?
- They were all old.
- I need the potassium, Andy.
You guys made fun of me last
time for buying overripe fruit!
- No Marshmallow Fluff?
- That got crossed off.
- By whom?
- Perfect timing.
Now I can get started on my velouté.
- Where's my buttercream?
- No.
My whipped cream, my sour cream?
And where is the breast
of duck that I asked for?
How about some ground beef?
You can make something with this, right?
You bought sale meat?
Are you kidding me?
It's got a sticker right
there that says sale meat.
I don't cook with sale meat, bro, okay?
I sealed the list with a kiss.
Can't unseal my sealed kiss list.
I unsealed it.
Chief's orders.
He wanted Bolognese, I unsealed it.
Look at the balls on you, huh, bud?
Yeah, I did it.
Well, guess what, I'm not
making Bolognese tonight.
In fact, I'm not gonna make anything.
That's fine.
You are there, big bald cowboy.
- What's that?
- You're gonna knock stuff
off my list, you're gonna make dinner.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Cap
Don't have Ike make dinner, please.
The only thing he can
make is sloppy joes.
I'm Captain and I'm deciding tonight.
Crystal is gonna cook.
Hey, Chief.
Granny, you do that ambulance inventory?
Granny. Granfield.
- Row's complete.
- Hey, Chief.
Andy messed up the shopping list.
And now Frenchie won't cook,
and he's ordered Ike to cook.
No, listen to me
right now. Listen to me.
Captain to captain. I'm the captain.
This is my crew.
Tonight, Ike cooks dinner.
- Okay, can you
- He's captain, it's his call.
- Bam!
- Wait. Wait, no, no.
- Ike, it's his crew.
- In your face.
Someone take care of this dog.
Not it.
Oh, my God, you guys
are driving me crazy.
Hey, hey, hey. Hang on a second.
What what's going on?
What's going on is
I'm going in my office
to finish the Baker Report.
What about the hand job? I thought
You're not gonna get
to finish the hand job.
- What is happening right
- This is so weird.
Now it's like we have two uptight dads.
- Yeah.
- Dads are the worst.
I'm right here.
Hey, did Andy at least
remember the Hot Cheezos?
Yes. Thank you.
Damn it.
Oh, come on. No, no,
come here, come here.
No, no, hey!
Baker Fiscal Report.
"A perspective on
differential techniques
affecting machine parity."
Oh, hey, Andy, I need to speak to you.
Andy, get in here now.
Do I make myself clear?
Hey, I'm Eddie Penisi.
Yeah, I'm Eddie Penisi
No, no, no, no.
Double nightmare!
- Jacks. Suck it.
- Oh, man.
All I had was that and that and
Oh, I guess I guess I have that.
- Ahh!
- Agh!
That beats that, right? Oh, man.
I forgot how fun gambling was.
- Right?
- My back doesn't even hurt anymore.
And then I said the guy
who sold me the salt,
he sells a lot of salt.
- Oh, man.
- I like it.
Hey, what's going on?
- Oh, nothing.
- Not much really.
Oh, no, I heard laughter.
It looked pretty fun down here.
What's the joke?
I mean, honestly, it
wasn't even that funny.
Just tell me what the joke is.
Is that an order, Chief?
Okay, that's funny.
Ike, what was the joke?
Actually, you know what,
I don't really feel comfortable
just relaying that
information to you right now
'cause we just kind of had
something going on, so I
- Oh.
- All right, I get it.
I see how it's gonna be. Carry on.
All right, whose deal? Let's go.
- I think it's your deal.
- Whose deal?
- Andy, you're up.
- I'm due, baby. I am due.
Hey, who found my
pictures from Barcelona?
No, no, Chief, can't touch the board.
Union rules.
- Okay.
- Right back at ya.
Just keep it down in here, okay?
I'm trying to finish
these Baker Reports.
And I can't hear myself think.
Maybe you should ban gambling.
- Oh, man.
- What is that?
It's my Tamanachi. Uh-oh, he's hungry.
- You have to water it or
- What? What?
- Hey.
- Andy, clean that up.
- Hmm?
- He killed my pet.
Open sesame, bitch.
Oh-oh-oh, scotch and cigars.
I knew he was holding out on me.
Sweet tea and pretzel
rods. What the hell?
Nothing special in there.
I told you there's no secrets.
Nothing sexy about this job.
I thought the job would be easier.
Well, job's important.
So you learn to accept it
and keep the station running
'cause it helps people.
Then if you're lucky,
you might have a moment
to enjoy yourself with your crew.
Oh, Terry, there is one more thing.
I'm not gonna finish
the Baker Report on time.
I'm sorry about that too.
While I was on my back,
I did most of the Baker Report for you.
- You did the Baker Report?
- Yeah.
The Baker Report's like 400 pages long.
What's wrong with you?
I love that stuff. It's fascinating.
- Machine parity?
- Machine parity is awesome.
Okay, well, to each his own.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Well, I feel much better, Terry.
Here's to you.
Ugh, that sucks.
God, that's disgusting.
How do you drink this stuff?
It's an acquired taste.
It's reliable, neutral, like me.
Also, when I was on
my back, I learned that
I should probably
lighten up a little bit.
It's probably better if I was
more like the cool mom than
always being the tough
dad. You know what I mean?
I like everything you're saying.
- But you're already the mom.
- I'm the dad.
I'm saying I'm trying
to be like the mom.
No, no, no, I'm the dad. You're the mom.
You're the mom. I'm clearly the dad.
Look at your hands. They're slender.
- Look at your big tits.
- These are man tits.
Okay, this is gonna be so epic.
You call Eddie out here, right,
tell him his stupid
Tomaso tomato garbage
is in the fridge.
He'll open the fridge, and then bam,
I'll scare the shit out of him.
I don't know, Cap. I
don't think it's gonna work.
Oh, come on, we do it
all the time on B shift.
Call Eddie up.
Well, Chief is a little
bit on edge, so
I'm the captain, and this is an order.
Call Eddie.
- Hey, Chief.
- Close the door.
- Quick. Close the door.
- Okay.
Chief! Hey, Chief.
What's up, Andy?
Captain Frenchie said
that your Tomaso tomato
sauce is ready in here.
- In here?
- Yeah.
Cap is back.
- Oh!
- Son of a bitch.
Station 24, MVA at the corner
of Cobalt and Swan.
Move it out.
Guys. Guys!
I got to go to the bathroom, guys.
It's freezing in here!
I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey-oh! Hey.
Don't worry. I'll just
put this back myself.
- Welcome back, Chief.
- Skim milk. Really?
- That's what you wanted.
- Oh, where's the peanuts?
- I couldn't find them.
- Couldn't find peanuts?
Fuck you guys!
Ah, touchy.
I don't think there's enough
room for all this stuff.
Oh, hey, I think they
could use your help.
Rows complete.
- Impressive.
- Pretty good.
Ooh, baby. So glad Chief's back.
Now we have dad and a dog.
Speaking of which, where is Hoser?
Where do you think?
He didn't kill the dog, did he?
Yeah, he killed the
dog. Come here, boy.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's good to be back.
Right, Hoser?
Woof, woof, woof,
woof, woof! Stupid dog.
Jeez, what?
- Oh.
- What's the matter with you?
Come and help us put the
groceries away there, screamy.
I think I had too many Hot Cheezos.
- Oh, too many Hot Cheezos.
- Okay.
Who bought skim milk?
Fuck you guys!
I just got déjà vu.
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