Tacoma FD (2019) s03e10 Episode Script

Eddie’s Exes

Go, go, go, go, go!
Okay, that never happens.
That never happens. That never happens.
Your helmet's too big.
- What's this?
- Oh, it's the new
smoldering firefighter
drama, "Pamona FD."
What do you guys watch the shows?
All you do sit around and complain.
That air packs from the '90s.
- Yeah, right.
- Don't they have
a technical consultant on this show?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Retired firefighter,
rents, like, a Mustang Convertible.
Thinks he's hot shit. Probably related
to one of the creators of the show.
- Probs.
- Yeah, probably.
It's not even a real fire.
Look how much makeup
that girl's wearing.
How come I can't get the suit
to highlight my cheekbones like that?
There he is taking the shirt off again.
And now they're making out
in the middle of a fire.
Why do they think that
life in a fire station
- is like a soap opera?
- It's so unrealistic.
Guys she's here.
Who is?
You're gonna wanna
come see for yourself.
Trust me.
There she is, boys, the Pedalton 3.0.
Finally, cardio that doesn't suck.
That's their tagline. It's on the box.
Wait, 1500 bucks from Bulkshop?
Why would you get
anything from Bulkshop?
Because they have great prices.
No. Bulkshop sucks.
- Yeesh.
- Whoa, damn.
Why does he hate Bulkshop so much?
- I know, right?
- Ooh, the Pedalton 3.0
has everything, man.
Prerecorded classes, live
classes, and special events.
Ooh, I feel bad for the suckers
who bought the Pedalton 2.0.
- Suckers.
- Suckers.
Oh, wait, when does the 4.0 come out?
Next month. But until then,
this is top of the line.
- Ooh!
- Awesome!
Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. Step aside, Bozo.
I'm taking her on her maiden voyage.
- I call next.
- All right.
I'll bet you wish you got next.
Not really.
Hi, I'm Anita Worthy,
and I'm gonna get you going
on your new Pedalton.
Hello, Anita.
You might be tempted to talk to me,
but this is a pre-recorded workout
so I cannot hear you or respond.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
I won't
Oh, you can't hear that, either.
What am I doing? Stop it, Ike.
Sorry, Anita. Shit!
You can't hear that.
All right, gang. Let's go!
Hey, I got awesome news.
You know how the city's
been trying to buy my house
so they can build a new hospital?
Well, I've been holding
it up for a year,
and they finally made an offer.
A million bucks.
Hey, did you hear what I said?
The city wants to give me a
million bucks for my house.
Okay. What are you talking about?
- What's going on with you?
- Vicky's pissed at me.
We were binge watching
a show together on Hulu.
- Mm.
- I watched the last
- five episodes without her.
- Big mistake. What show?
It's a show about the Irish
couple, Jenny and John O'Cake.
They join the Peace
Corps and solve crimes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Peace O'Cake."
- Great show.
- So good.
- Great show.
- They planted a potato farm
- in an African village.
- That's the best part
- of the season right there.
- Then someone stole
- the potatoes.
- And that's all
- in the first episode.
- They solved it, though.
- Yeah, of course.
- You wanna know why?
- Why?
- It was a Piece O'Cake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so good.
- Oh, it was so good.
- Yeah. Well, I don't
blame her, you know, when you exchanged
those marital vows with my sister,
you swore an oath of fidelity.
They didn't have binge
cheating back then.
- Eh.
- All right, so what's
- this thing with the city?
- They're offering me
a million bucks for my house.
That should curb your reckless
- and irresponsible ways.
- Probably not.
Now as punishment,
she's gonna binge watch
- "Mental Dental" without me.
- Ohh, boy.
That's that show about the
dentists in the insane asylum.
- Good show.
- Jake G-g-gyllenhaal.
Oh, Gyllellenhaal is great in that show.
He plays the dentist,
Dr. Frederick Mental, DDS.
Tell you what, thought,
that's not the best
of the dentist shows.
The best show is the one
about the girl in 1904 Poland,
who becomes a boy so
she could be a dentist
- "Yentl Dentle."
- Ohh.
Ronda Rousey's excellent in that.
- She's so good.
- She's so good.
- That second number she sings.
- Ah.
- That one's great.
- I watched that one
without Vicky, she
got mad about that too.
Well, that's married life for you,
and I miss it exactly zero much.
Well, that's twice as much as
I miss being married to you.
Oh, my God, Felicity,
Long time, no see.
Wow, Felicity, you look different.
After we got divorced,
I became an ordained Wiccan minister.
So you split with your
wife, and you drove her
- to the dark arts.
- Oh, stick a sock in, Terry.
I can put a hex on you so fast
it'll make your head spin literally.
Eddie, Sal Green is dead.
Sal Green, our divorce lawyer?
Yes and no.
On his deathbed he confessed
he was never
a licensed attorney.
- He was a fraud.
- So what does that mean?
It means that every
paper we signed back then
is null and void.
You and I are still married.
All right, Lance Armschlong,
time's up, buddy.
I'll have you know, Lance Armschlong
is a highly respected exotic dancer,
and a close personal friend of mine.
- How was it?
- Incredible.
- Really?
- My trainer was awesome.
- Ohh!
- I mean, seriously.
Enjoy, my butt sweat.
All right, here we go.
- Pick a name, and
Wow, okay.
Are you kidding me?
All right, you know what?
Aw, man, no!
Hi, and welcome to Pedalton.
I'm Anita Worthy.
Hi, Anita.
You might be tempted to speak to me.
But this is a pre-recorded workout,
so I can't hear you or respond.
Oh, that's okay. I'm
just gonna stare at you.
- You're incredible.
- Okay, let's start pedaling.
Let's go!
This is a 10-mile circuit,
so we've got some time together.
I'm gonna start by telling
you a little bit about myself.
Please do.
When I was a medic in the military,
I used to get through tough days
by singing acapella.
That's me!
And I played the ukulele.
Girl, you better stop.
I'll come marry you right now.
So what are you going
to do about it, Eddie?
I'm gonna find a living divorce lawyer
and we'll get divorced for real.
It's not that simple, dummy.
Hey, Chief, I was gonna ask you
about the, um
Aunt Felicity, is that you?
- Lucy?
- Oh, my God.
I mean, you look so
different than the pictures.
You're so mystical.
Well, I went in a different direction
after Eddie cheated on me.
- She became a witch.
- Yes.
Primarily so I could
lay curses on Eddie.
Yeah, right. What curses
have you ever laid on me?
Did you pop a nut two years ago?
I put a photo of you
in the freezer along
with a broken walnut
and a nasty tarot card.
It's called a freezer spell.
That's bullshit.
I popped your nut in '97.
And did you have teeth pulled this year?
- Yes.
- I took pig's teeth
and put it in a bucket
of sugar for that one.
Has your back gone out lately?
- Yes.
- I made a doll of you
and broke it in half.
Why put all the curses on me?
For giving Eddie an alibi
when he cheated.
I will always hate you.
But he's the one who cheated!
Ah! At least now you admit it.
- Ohh, she got me.
- Okay, okay.
Let's just get back to
the situation at hand.
What are we gonna do about this divorce?
I want a proper settlement this time.
I want the house, Eddie.
Anyways, I've always
hated being a leap year baby.
Not very many people can relate.
If you do, give me a call.
I relate! I relate!
All right!
Great job, everyone. Let's cool down.
- What do you think?
- Oh, Anita Worthy is
the greatest thing that
ever happened to me.
- Me too.
- She's so supportive
- without being condescending.
- Yeah.
She's just so inspiring
without being annoying.
- And we
- Have so much in common.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys.
Anita is my trainer.
I rode with her first,
so that's my trainer, okay?
Ike, the workouts are prerecorded.
- We can all ride with Anita.
- Mm.
Yeah, I guess, right? I
mean, if they're pre-recorded,
then why would we be
jealous of each other?
- Totally.
- Sorry, guys.
Okay, gang.
Now, just a reminder,
for the rest of the day
during my live workouts,
Whoever gets the
highest workout score
will win a private cycle
with me tonight at 6:00 pm.
It'll be a one-on-one session
where I'll be able to see you,
hear you, and interact
with you and only you.
Great job, everyone.
I will murder you both viciously.
You owe it to me to give
me that house, Eddie.
Why are you so opposed to it?
It's my house. I paid for it.
Then you cheated on me.
Only because you became very distant.
Because you were obsessed
with Matthew Broderick.
- That's not true.
- It's true.
You wanted to be him in sexual roleplay.
All right, I think we should go.
No, stay.
Eddie wanted to roleplay
in bed as Matthew Broderick
and not the fun stuff
like "Inspector Gadget."
No, he wanted to be "Ladyhawke."
Hey, "Ladyhawke" is a great movie.
It is a good movie. Michelle Pfeiffer.
Shut up, Terry.
Okay, okay, just give me a moment
to process all of this.
It's not every day that your ex-wife
shows up with news like this.
Hello, Eddie.
Make that two ex-wives.
Oh, my God! Aunt Ulsa!
Hi, Lucy.
Sal Green is dead.
He was never a lawyer.
We are still married.
When it rains, it pours.
Shut your mouth!
Okay, gang, we're riding to the top
of Gut Check Hill, who's with me?
Whoo, baby.
- I am, Anita.
- Right on!
Remember, I can't hear you guys.
Why does she ask us questions
if she can't hear our answers?
Good start, Flyfisher21.
You got this, GnarlyCat007.
Gut Check Hill is right. Come on!
Oh, don't slow down
on me, IkeOnABike.
I know you can do this. Let's go!
IkeOnABike, she said my name.
She said my name!
Oh, my God.
What kind of hill is this, Anita?
Climbing up a wall.
Who's pumped?
Damn, this is hard!
So, Eddie, what are we going to do?
- Get divorced?
- You don't have to.
We're still married.
Your marriage never happened.
- She makes a good point.
- She's right.
Ulsa needed a green card.
So my mom set her up
with Eddie as a prank.
- The Penisi's prank so hard.
- Yes, they do.
So Eddie married Ulsa.
After two years, she got her green card.
One week later, she
divorced him and fleeced him.
Oof, that's pure evil.
Wait, there's more.
He cheated on me.
Oh, you ki He cheated on me, too.
Ohh, now it makes sense.
Okay, hold on a second.
I paid both of you
ladies alimony for years.
Now if our divorce wasn't
valid, and you and I
were never legally married,
then I demand restitution.
He's right.
Shut up, Terry!
- Okay.
- I am not paying you anything,
Edward Caesar Penisi.
This is what you are going to do for me.
If our marriage is null and void
that means my citizenship
is null and void.
I want you to marry me.
No, freakin' way.
Well, if you don't, I will
have you charged with bigamy!
Why are you spit taking?
She said bigamy.
- I thought she said big Amy.
- Who's big Amy?
I don't know that's
why I didn't spit take.
Andy, clean this up!
You want me to clean up your spit?
Where did you get the lameo clothes?
Amazon Drone, bitch.
It's gonna help me with my speed.
Yeah, I like the helmet.
Don't fall off.
You know what else I got?
State-of-the-art shoes with
click-in capabilities.
Here we go.
Paid 200 bucks for these, man.
Ah! Cramp! Bad cramp!
I did it. I did it.
There we go. Ha.
Ohh, my water.
"A person is guilty of bigamy
"if he or she intentionally
marries another person
"when either person has a living spouse.
"Punishable by five years in jail.
A Class C felony."
Doesn't sound like a classy felony.
Eddie, you're a bigamist
and I will report you
if you don't comply.
But I will look the other way
if you marry me.
Still no.
When did Cap learn to speak Chinese?
It's Swedish, Ike.
No, I know. That's what I said.
Like, when did you
learn to speak Swedish?
She taught him.
Ah, tingle button.
It just means the same.
Like, tingle button, I guess.
Yeah, she taught him that, too.
Chief, why is there a picture
of you in the freezer?
And why is it attached to a pig's foot?
That's why my feet are so cold.
Stop it with the freezer spells.
- Was that real?
- I don't know.
Hoo. Hello, hello.
Who stole the seat?
I don't need a seat.
Here we go.
They took the pedals?
I don't
I guess I'll ride later.
Why are they being so mean to your dad?
Because Uncle Eddie
made Chief lie for him.
When his wives thought he was cheating,
he told Felicity that he
and Eddie were at hot yoga
and that Eddie passed
out from dehydration.
And then he told Ulsa that
he and Eddie were skydiving,
and that Eddie passed
out for mental exhaustion.
Wait, wait, wait.
Chief is into yoga and skydiving?
That's amazing.
By the way, Terry, your best man speech
was an embarrassment.
That Penisi joke. So stupid.
He told that dumb joke
at your wedding too?
Oh, yes.
- It's a great joke.
- I like that joke.
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
- That joke killed.
- Yeah, it was a good joke.
Chief was the best man
at both of their weddings?
Yeah. By the third wedding,
he really had things dialed in.
There's a third wedding?
we need to talk.
I should have expected this.
Everybody, this is my third wife Cece.
- Hi, Aunt Cece!
- Hey, Lucy.
Have a seat. We are just figuring out
- the Sal Green of it all.
- Good.
Because I just found out
the city is buying your
house for a million dollars.
You lying bastard.
Cece, how did you know that
I was getting a million
dollars from my house?
My family is connected, Eddie.
We know everything.
You might recognize Aunt Cece
by her maiden name Bulkshop.
As in Bulkshop Wholesale Store?
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, she got money.
That's why Cap doesn't like Bulkshop.
Her dad tried to get
him to change his name
to Eddie Bulkshop.
But in the end, she took his last name.
Oh, Cece Penisi.
That's that's pretty dope, actually.
By then, Dad's best man
toast was off the chain.
He had it down to a tight 10.
Did Terry give the best
man speech for you too?
Did he do that stupid joke?
"Congratulations. Maybe one day"
"Eddie will put a little Penisi in you."
I don't sound like that.
Shut up, Terry.
Wait, Luce, what time is it?
It's almost five.
Ooh, Anita Worthy is about to announce
who won the one-on-one cycle contest.
So, Eddie, since you
and I were never married,
just write me a check for
the $1 million of alimony
I have paid you over the past 15 years.
Or just give me the house.
That house is mine, sister.
Watch yourself, Stevie Nix.
Watch yourself, Shamrock Shake.
- Catfight.
- Shut up!
Dude, you got an
outfit and a ring light?
Hell yeah. I've gotta look sweet
when I get my one-on-one
ride with Anita Worthy.
Except I'm gonna be the one
who does the one-on-one
ride with Anita, sucker.
Hey, Tex, are you
spraying cologne right now?
Yeah, jealous much?
You guys didn't think of that, did you?
You know she can't smell
you through the screen.
Yeah, I know.
It's fo it's for atmosphere, guys.
Okay, well, both of
you guys just shut up
because my girlfriend's about to talk.
Okay everyone, drumroll, please.
"Drumroll please."
Anita you're so funny.
- She can't hear you, Ike.
- I know.
Honestly, I keep forgetting.
There can only be one winner.
So without further ado,
the winner of the one-on-one
personal cycle is
Whatever happens, guys,
I love both of you.
Aw, thank you.
That's weird because I
sabotaged both of you guys.
I know. I did it to you guys, too.
And I, you.
They must have thought
that the TacomaFDStation24
account was one person
and then they added all
of our rides together.
Oh yeah, that's why it's so awesome.
Congrats, TacomaFDStation24.
- You rode for three hours.
- Ooh!
See you soon for our one-on-one.
How are we gonna decide
who gets the private ride with Anita?
- Oh, rock, paper, scissors.
- Nice.
- Is that
- No, I'm gonna punch you.
Okay, I was only ever
legally married to Felicity
but there's potential
bigamy on the table
and some common law marriage statutes
which have yet to be determined
that may be complicated
by three cases of marital infidelity.
Quit stalling, Eddie,
you owe me a million dollars of alimony.
And I want the house.
I only want your hand in marriage.
I don't have a million bucks.
- Yes, you do, your house.
- I used the alimony
you paid me to pay the
alimony to these two.
So if you make me pay you back
then I'm making them pay me back.
Not my problem, Eddie.
My lawyers are already drawing
up a lawsuit as we speak.
It's the end of the line for you, buddy.
Oh, no, it's not.
I called my friend at
the Hall of Records.
Interestingly, there are
no marriage licenses filed
for any of your marriages.
Now, as you ladies may recall,
not only was I the best
man at all of your weddings,
but I was also the justice of the peace.
So I officiated over
all of your weddings.
I forgot that.
And as the officiant, it was my duty
to file the marriage
licenses with the county.
Unfortunately, I had a
few too many cocktails
at my dear friend's
various wedding ceremonies,
and I failed to do so.
However, I checked my file cabinet,
and I found these unfiled documents
in a file marked "things to do."
Okay, wait a second.
So even my first marriage
was unofficial?
Yes. And I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no, not at all.
I mean, I suppose I should
thank you for your negligence.
Shut up, Terry. And
what does that mean?
It means that Eddie was never married.
And he is as much of
a victim as any of you.
- Yes!
- Ugh!
This is incredible.
I'm still taking him to court.
Then I'm taking these
two ladies to court.
I will be deported.
And I'll be broke. Okay.
That's it. I'm casting spell on you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Just let's just
This is all getting very
complicated, and I'm rich.
So let's just split the sale
of the house four ways
and call it a day.
250,000 each, mmm?
But I bought the house for 250,000.
Great. Well, then you'll come out even.
Wait, who is going to marry me
- so I can keep my green card?
- I'll do it. You're hot.
But I'm going to need a prenup.
- You got it.
- Too bad Sal Green died.
He gave Eddie a punch card
so his fifth divorce is free.
- Oh, yeah.
- Fifth.
He's only been divorced three times.
Eddie, did you hear about Sal Green?
Yeah. We know. He's dead.
- Hi, Aunt Olive.
- Hi, Lucy.
Don't waste your time,
sweetheart. You get nothing.
Okay. This was fun.
- Great to see you, Cece.
- Good to see you, Eddie
- and you.
- Oh, yeah.
Great to see you, Felicity.
- Bye.
- Bye, Felicity.
Mm. Look at this!
She left 20 bucks on the chair.
Bye, Olive.
Heh. I actually think
that was my 20 bucks.
Ah, well, now it's hers.
Guys, just give up. I'm gonna win.
No way!
Ah, ah!
Listen, class starts
in 15 minutes, okay?
We're all gonna be exhausted.
We gotta figure something out.
Station 24, drunk man
stuck in the shopping cart
in the Tacomart parking lot.
28 Oak Street.
Guys, let's go!
- Okay.
- Come on, we do it fast,
we'll be back before the hour's up.
Bingo. Bango. Bongo.
- Uh, yeah.
- I'm Anita Worthy.
- You won the contest.
- Uh
- You didn't know?
- No.
But I was probably
out rescuing somebody.
I like your mustache.
What a coincidence.
It likes you too.
Oh, my God. What is your name?
I'm Eddie Penisi.
Mm. Anita Worthy Penisi.
Has a nice ring to it.
So we're getting married then?
I guess so.
I don't suppose you live
near Washington, do you?
- Does Seattle count?
- Really? Okay.
Hey, I am not going through this again.
- What?
- Number five.
Now technically, it's the first.
Oh, come on, Terry.
No more!
You get to do the joke again.
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