Tacoma FD (2019) s03e12 Episode Script


Hi, I'm Captain Eddie Penisi
of Tacoma Fire Department Station 24.
And it's time for our
Annual Tacoma Fire Department
Charity Pickleball Tournament.
Sponsored by Enzo's,
the best pizza in Tacoma.
And while they are serving
up slices at Enzo's,
Captain Penisi and I
will be serving up slices on the court.
- Cut. What are you doing?
- I'm improvising.
You're supposed to miss the ball.
I don't wanna miss the ball.
You miss the ball.
No, the script says you're
supposed to miss the ball
- and then throw your racket.
- I'm the chief.
I gotta wear the stupid hat.
You wear the hat. You throw your racket.
Penisi, time is money. Come on.
Terry, you're the food guy.
I'm the spokes-guy.
When you improvise,
it messes up the flow.
We're going again.
Take eight, and action.
Enzo, throw the ball.
And while Enzo is serving up slices,
Chief McConky and I will be
serving up slices on the court.
Hey, that's my line.
- You stole my line.
- Cut.
Yeah, it didn't sound right
coming out of your mouth.
The good news is, I think we got it.
So let's jump to the end.
The Annual Tacoma Firefighter
Pickleball Tournament,
sponsored by Enzo's.
Order in or take it Ta-Homa.
It'll stuff your face.
Uh-oh, good thing I'm a firefighter.
That was great. Let's do another one.
How about this time, I give
Gina the Heimlich?
- Absolutely.
- All right, here we go.
And action.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, guys.
It's pickleball week. Look at this.
Oh, man, I'm so excited.
This is my first tournament.
Well, temper your expectations,
because your dad and
uncle are unbeatable
and such incredible assholes about it.
Exactly. That's why I can't wait
- to kick their asses so hard.
- That's what we all want,
but they have a way of
getting in your head.
I grew up with them, Andy.
I think I know how to
handle their bullshit.
Oh, man.
Oh, man, come on.
The production value on
this has gone up every year.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your perennial pickleball champions,
Team Fire and Slice!
- Come on, give it up.
- Whoo!
High five, everybody. High five.
It's the eye contact
that's really uncomfortable.
These are winner moves.
Right here, this is the victory dance.
Hey, cut the music, Chiefy.
The crew is clearly intimidated.
Yeah, they are. We are unbeatable,
and we are defending our title
for an impressive tenth
year in a row-ow-ow-ow
- That is impressive.
- Not as impressive
as your jackrabbit quickness.
Oh, thank you. But
that's not as impressive
as the human wall you form
- at the net!
- Ha-ha-ha!
You guys are such tools.
It'll be so satisfying to take you down.
Lucy, language.
It's way too mild.
I can't.
That's right, it's pickleball week,
and you are encouraged
to spice up your trash
talk with your superiors.
All right, so who wants to
give us the business first?
Eh? Eh? Ike, come on, buddy.
Hit me, hit me.
Give me a good one, come on.
Say the thing that you were gonna
No, I didn't have any
I never said anything.
Here, let me give you an example.
Okay, sure, 'cause we
don't have anything.
We're gonna beat you so
bad you're gonna feel like
you're the bottom of a ketchup bottle.
- What's up?
- What up?
- Boop, boop!
- Boop!
We got the power to,
we got the power to, we got the power to
- whoop you!
- Ha-ha, peace!
Class dismissed.
See you on the court, bitches.
I think I hate them.
For the readers of the neighborhood app
who aren't familiar, what
is the appeal of pickleball?
Well, Ken, it is the
fastest-growing sport
in America, and it's big
in fire stations everywhere.
It combines the most
exciting elements of tennis,
badminton, and ping-pong.
And it keeps us in tip-top shape.
It's also big in nursing homes.
- Ooh!
- And why do you wear
your gear when you practice?
Frankly, it's the only way
we can challenge ourselves.
We're that much better than everyone.
- You really are.
- Oh-ho-ho!
Okay, I legit hate them,
but God, they're great.
You know what makes 'em great?
They have a winning culture.
You know, my football team in Alabama
had the same philosophy.
Think like a winner, be a winner.
It was the same on my college judo team.
- Yeah, Captain.
- So easy!
You know, if we teamed up
together, we could totally
take these douche nozzles down.
I don't know.
Pickleball really isn't my thing, Lucy.
We're playing left-handed
and we're still
- better than anyone else!
- Oh, my God.
Come on, they're such assholes.
Lower blast shields. Bloop, bloop, boop.
I can't see, I can't see. Oh!
In reverse! Oh, man.
Okay, let's kill 'em.
Mm, hey Luc, check it out.
One of the perks of being the best:
Enzo sends over free food.
Best pizza in Tacoma.
- Nice, it looks good.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Wow, really?
- Champions only.
Losers are bad for their brand.
You gotta be a winner to eat dinner.
You guys have gotten super cocky.
Just wait until we
humiliate you on the court.
Then we'll be unbearable.
Please, I'm sorry. Would
you like a garlic knot?
A peace offering.
Garlic not.
Oh, my God, she doesn't
stand a chance against us.
Maybe you should put your
money where your mouth is
instead of your fifth garlic knot.
- Oh, look at you!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.
- Look at her!
- You know what?
100 bucks says me and Granny
wipe the floor with you guys.
You're teaming up with Granny?
Yeah, another college athlete.
Oh, my God.
Make it 500.
Fine, let's make it $500.
- Let's do it.
- Sounds good. Deal.
Oh, Luc, do you wanna pay us now
or do you wanna just pay us later?
You guys are gross, by the way.
Hey, give me a meatball, would ya?
You got it.
I am so excited about this.
We are by far the best
athletes in the station.
Damn straight, and we
should come up with a name
that reflects our mutual
physical greatness.
How about "The Ass Kickers?"
I like it. It's subtle.
All right, here we go.
- Oh.
- Oh, whoops.
One for the blooper reel.
- You good?
- Yeah, I just got crossed up.
Let's go.
All right, here we go.
You seem a little off balance.
It's a lateral movement thing.
It's not really my strong suit.
How could you be a football player
and not have good lateral movement?
You only move forward and
backward when you're a punter.
A punter?
Yeah. Go Matadors.
Wait. University of
Alabama is "Crimson Tide."
Right, and at Central Alabama Polytech,
we're the Matadors.
Hm, awesome.
Come on, Andy!
Whoa, whoa. That's what
I'm talking about, Andy.
- All day.
- Nice!
- Yeah, all day.
- I'm telling you,
Cap and Chief are getting older.
We really got a shot this year.
- You think so?
- Yeah, we do, man.
We just need that one
little thing, like,
just to put us over the edge, you know?
Just give us an edge.
Yeah, we just need something
to enhance our performance.
No, more of a "performance enhancer."
You know, my mom gave me
something that might help.
If you're open to it, of course.
Just coffee?
Not just any coffee,
the strongest in the world.
- Oh.
- From the Philippines.
Eight times the caffeine.
Usbong Ng Kidlat.
Roughly translates to "Lightning Crap."
It's said that it gives you
the strength of an elephant
and the quickness of a jaguar.
What? How's that even possible?
The beans are grown in
the Luzon rain forest.
They're fed to jaguars, who
digest and defecate them.
That feces is then fed to elephants,
who also defecate them.
Then they clean off the
beans, brew it, and voilà.
Sounds delicious.
I mean, until you
explain the whole process.
Ooh, baby, it smells.
- Here, go ahead.
- Oh!
- I don't know, I mean
- Ah, come on, man.
- Try it.
- Nah, I mean, I'm just
- What are you, chicken?
- No.
- Then what?
- I don't know.
I'm not familiar with it.
Me neither, but you
were the one that said
that we needed an edge.
Do you think it's safe?
It can't be more
dangerous than us running
into burning buildings,
and we do that all the time.
That is solid logic, man.
Bottoms up. Let's do it.
Is it always that hot?
Coffee? Yeah.
- Ah, damn it!
- This doesn't make sense.
- You're so good at ping-pong.
- Well, that's different.
In ping pong, I only need
to move one or two steps.
I guess. I just think it's weird
that you're a football player,
but you're not a natural athlete.
Oh, all right.
Punters are athletes, too, okay?
If we weren't, they wouldn't
let us ride on the bus
with the real football players.
Yeah, but all you do
is kick a ball, right?
Okay, here we go.
Punting is so much more
than kicking a ball, Lucy.
It takes leg strength,
hand-eye coordination,
and balance.
Okay? It's about getting the flat drops
so the ball turns over mid-flight.
Your planting foot has to hold
while linemen are rushing at you.
And don't even get me started
on engaging your hip flexors too soon.
Okay, let's get that
winning culture up in here.
Think like a winner, be a winner.
Let's go punt some balls and
get your mojo up and running.
- That's a great idea!
- Yes.
Oh! I feel so fast!
I wanna trample something. Ah!
- I can't wait to see this.
- Oh, yeah.
- Here we go, right here.
- Ball me.
- Okay.
- Here it comes, boys.
Go back!
I want you back at least 100 yards.
- What? No!
- Go back.
Hey, Ike, Eddie, get it together.
You ready for this? Here it comes.
Let's go, let's go!
Prepare to be impressed.
I am prepared.
Race you.
Hey, that's okay. That
was just a warmup, guys.
Go back out there. Come on. Slip.
- There we go.
- Let's go.
Well, back off for this
one, guys, all right?
Deep bomb, baby.
- Race you.
- Wait a minute.
You guys, stay out
there. We're gonna go again.
Come on. Granny, here
we go. Let's go again.
This is [BLEEP].
Come on, kick it or don't!
Kick it right now!
- Oh!
- Ah!
You okay?
Granny, you got this. Come on, buddy.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
I don't got it. I lost it, I lost it!
You didn't Oh, come on, big guy.
What is wrong with you?
You're so slow this morning.
I don't have it today, okay?
Are you having sex with someone?
You are. Your mustache is fluffy.
I can always tell you're
sleeping with someone
when your mustache is fluffy.
All right, fine, yes. I have a new girl,
- and she is insatiable.
- What?
You do not have sex
when you're in training.
It uses too much energy.
Not if I just lay there.
Takes no energy at all.
If you care about this team,
you're gonna need to abstain.
You're not exactly
lighting it up either.
Maybe you should abstain
- from the free food.
- What's the point of being
sponsored by the best
pizza maker in Tacoma
if you can't sample the goods?
You need to commit too.
I'll quit having sex
when you quit eating.
- Mm-hmm.
- Fine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Fine.
There you go.
Very expensive.
Also high quality.
Huh, okay?
Ah! I feel so jacked!
Me too, brother! Jacked!
Oh, shoot, Andy,
that should be our team name, "Jacked."
But instead of an E, put
an apostrophe in there
so it's just "Jack'd."
- We're Jack'd.
- You're saying it weird.
- Just Jack'd.
- Jack'd.
Don't spin your head
'cause I can't hear
Just trying to get to the
D without an E in there.
- Jack'd.
- Jack'd!
Kind of freaky and
scary when you say it.
Props to the genius
who got that elephant
- to eat the jaguar dung.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, man, I wonder how they do that.
- That can't be how you spell it.
- It's not in English, Ike.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
What the f
They actually
sewed the elephant's trunk
into the jaguar's ass.
It's like the Ringling Brothers
meets "Human Centipede."
This is the cruelest,
most disturbing thing
I've ever seen in my whole life.
We can never drink
another drop of this as long as we live.
- Well, let's not go that far.
- What are you talking about?
This is horrible animal
cruelty right here.
This is inhumane.
The beans are already here,
and the animals suffered so much
to get them here, so
it would be cruel for us
not to drink it.
To honor the animal sacrifice
that has already been made,
- maybe we should
- Savor every sip.
Yeah, I mean,
that might be the right
thing to do, right?
Oh, my God. Okay, that's it.
- You sure?
- Andy, throw it out, man.
You're doing the right thing.
Andy, no!
It's all fruit and vegetables.
Where's the carbohydrates?
The stuff that sticks to your ribs.
- What's good, Chiefy?
- Hey, have you spoken to Enzo?
He didn't bring any food today.
- Hm, that's weird.
- Yeah.
I know you've been
sleeping with my wife.
That's who you've been seeing?
I should kill you.
Look at it as a favor, Enzo.
Now you know she can't be trusted.
I already knew that.
She's a trophy wife.
But I trusted you, paisano, eh, yeah.
Now, forget it.
You're no longer welcome in my pizzeria.
And I cancel my sponsorship
- and no more free food.
- Uh, no, Enzo!
You are making a grievous error.
No, you're making the error.
No, goodbye, Team Fire and Slice!
- Over here.
- Okay.
I guess we deserve that.
You know, everything's always about you.
Eddie has to say all
the lines in the ad.
Eddie has to have sex
with the sponsor's wife.
Can't you put the team first for once?
If you cared, you wouldn't
have eaten all that pizza,
but now the food's gone,
and that's what really pisses you off.
Okay, that's it.
When this tournament's
over, we're finished.
- Last dance, buddy.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine!
- Fine.
It's so itchy in here.
Quitting cold turkey sucks.
Whoa, whoa! Wow!
Why are you an elephant right now?
I'm not an elephant. You're a jaguar.
Don't put your trunk up my ass!
I'm not doing so hot, man.
I need that coffee.
Yeah, I know, okay? Me too, man.
- You got it?
- Ugh, yeah, it's there,
but there's a raccoon
or something eating it.
That's fine. Just grab the damn thing
- and we'll eat its shit.
- What?
Let's eat its shit.
No, I'm not gonna grab it, Andy.
- It's a wild animal. You
- I'll grab it.
No wait, don't wait!
How do I make it shit?
Squeeze it or something.
This is Ken Walters, live streaming
from the Tacoma Fire
Department Pickleball Tournament
from Station 24.
First up, we have the reigning champs,
Team Fire and Spice
versus All that Racquet from Station 26.
Welcome to the house of pain, bitches.
- All right, serve.
- Shut up.
I'll serve when I'm ready.
We are "Jack'd."
- Eh-duh.
- Duh.
Strength of an elephant,
quickness of a jaguar.
And the cunning of the almighty raccoon.
I'm in your garbage!
Where's the ball? Where's the ball?
My heart feels like it's
gonna come out of my chest.
- Don't let them see.
- Hey, can I help you guys out?
No, I think Andy just
pulled a hamstring.
- Yeah.
- We'll be right back.
Y'all better than this.
We're gonna forfeit this one, but
watch it.
The final match is set.
Team Fire and Slice
versus The Ass Kickers.
Hey Luc, if Granny's the kicker,
what does that make you?
Let's just end this and call it quits.
Fine. After we kill these two,
our partnership is terminated.
All right, let's do this.
You see that?
'Cause it looks like you didn't.
All day.
- Got it, got it!
- Nice!
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Ten-nothing, match point.
You tried your best. Thanks for coming.
Oh, by the way, in case
we get mobbed after we win,
I just wanna say right now,
good game.
Station 24, woman stuck in
a tree. Please respond.
We'll finish this later.
Please hurry.
The phone reception up here is terrible.
What the hell?
It's the newest Internet challenge.
People climb trees, take selfies.
They call it treeing.
It's bad news.
Let's go, baby.
- Let's go!
- Ike, use the ladder.
I don't need it, Cap. I can get up.
Ike, use the ladder.
Andy, get him up there.
You're right, Cap. Hang tight, ma'am.
Was America's obsession
with phones and selfies
bound to head in this direction?
I think yes.
Hey, fire peeps,
there's something wrong with your guy.
Ah, guys, there's Pacific
poison oak on this tree.
I'm allergic to Pacific poison oak.
I can't I can't breathe.
What's that?
This dude is having, like,
a wack reaction.
Granny, Ike is having
an allergic reaction.
Get the Epi-Pen over here now.
I'll run it up the ladder.
Give it to me.
No, there's no time.
- I'm okay!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Great punt, Granny.
- You did it!
- I did it!
- I got my mojo back.
- Yeah, Granny!
Tell me you got that.
No, I missed it.
This is Ken Walters, and we're back
for the finish of
the championship match.
- Now you're done.
- All right, match point?
- Let's end this thing.
- My pleasure.
- What the
- Granny, that was awesome.
I'm back, baby.
Whoo! Okay.
Come on!
Oh-ho-ho-ho! The man.
Are you coming to play, or
are you just a spectator?
Yeah, I'm a spectator.
And I'm watching you
make a fool of yourself.
Let's go!
- Oh!
- Yeah!
10-9, our serve.
Still match point. Still gonna be over.
Hey, Ass Kicker,
kick their asses.
It's what I do best.
Let's go! Come on.
Thanks for the 500 bucks, Luc.
You guys suck! 11 in a row.
Winning's the best! Winning's the best.
I'm sorry, Granny, I lost us the game.
Hey, don't be sorry.
You know, winning isn't everything.
And sometimes you just
wanna go the distance,
and today I'm glad we went the distance.
Spoken like a true punter.
- Side kick!
- Oh.
Don't worry about his good side.
They're all good.
Boy, winning cures
everything, doesn't it?
It sure does, man. I love you.
I love you too.
Let's do this again next year.
They go through the same
drama every pickleball season.
I gotta say,
- your breath smells delicious.
- Hey!
- I finally feel normal.
- Oh, me too, man.
I was unusually messed
up for a while there.
I take some pretty weird junk.
Well, I'm glad we worked through this.
- Is that 200?
- Yeah, pretty sure.
Coming down baby.
- Ah!
- Whoo!
- Get me something to drink.
- There it is.
- Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
- Oh, buddy, that's so good.
This stuff is incredible, right?
We don't need it. I'm
just having fun right now.
- I can put it down anytime.
- Yeah, yeah,
I mean, the only thing
that concerns me is
- What?
- One thing.
Oh, yeah. I mean
Think they're ever gonna
go back to normal size?
I don't care.
Me neither.
Can I get a little jab of yours?
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