Tacoma FD (2019) s04e05 Episode Script

Death Photo

Okay, listen up. Finally, official
department photos are next week.
So mark your calendars.
Make your preparations.
- Hey-o.
- Mm.
- We need a week to prepare?
- Well, you might.
But I don't because I'm noyce.
Hey, this is your first
department photo, probie, hmm?
- Yeah.
- It's important.
We do it every few years, and we use it
for all kinds of professional things.
ID cards, press releases,
newspaper articles.
Cool, how do I get my
picture in the newspaper?
- You die.
- What?
These are also affectionately known
as the "firefighter death photo."
It's the picture they
use for your obituary.
So not to be taken lightly
unless you want to end up
like Captain Boris Chaffee.
Triple chin Chaffee.
ALL: Triple chin Chaffee.
- There he is.
He was a revered captain.
He died saving an entire
school bus full of kids.
And he was pretty good-lookin', but
he did not take picture day seriously.
And this is how he will
always be remembered.
It looks like he's wearing
a necklace of chins.
I always wondered if that
bus landed on his face.
All he had to do was hold that chin up.
- And grow a mustache for christ's sake.
- Come on.
- I mean, come on.
- And close your mouth.
You know, he was
actually kind of a dick.
Yeah, with the smelliest feet.
- And he was a close-talker.
- And terrible breath.
- Liar.
- Big gambler.
- Philanderer.
- Stole a lot of stuff from the station.
But he did save those kids.
- That's true.
- Yes, yes.
Yes. May he rest in peace.
- BOTH: Yeah, rest in peace.
- Yeah.
- Rest in peace.
- Rest in peace.

Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
Who's ready for picture day, huh?
Yeah, Chief, do you want some breakfast?
Nope, I'm gonna stay lean today
for a good, professional photo.
- It's a good call, Chief.
- Oh.
Oh, boy.
- What's wrong with your shoulder?
- I tweaked it pulling up my comforter.
What, do you have, like, a
weighted blanket or something?
Nah, just high-quality comforter.
It's time to switch to the
lightweight summer comforter.
- I don't know. I like to sweat.
- If I had a dime
Hey, Lucy, don't make fun
of your dad's failing health.
I'm not failing. Just
got a bad shoulder.
What is happenin' here?
Who you takin' to the
prom, there, tin tin?
Okay, settle down.
Probie, this is exactly the
picture day energy I like.
Huh? The hair, the teeth.
Look at him. Perfect.
Yeah, yeah. The kid looks good.
The rest of you could learn
something from the probie
- and take some pride in your photo.
- For what?
They always get my lighting
wrong, and my pictures suck.
What am I supposed to do, wear makeup?
- Do my hair?
- Maybe you should do your hair.
Your mother bought you that
nice new blow-dryer online.
That thing's from Europe. And it
doesn't even have the right plugs.
A little effort would go a long way.
If you care so much, where
is all your effort, guy?
This face needs no effort, guy.
It is very distinguished, Cap.
Thank you, Mickleberry.
Distinguished is just
another word for old.
- Lucy, that's ageism.
- Mm-hmm.
At least your dad and I care.
Yes, he is over 50
with an uninsurable
BMI and shoulder pain.
But the man is foregoing his breakfast
for the death photos. That's sacrifice.
Hey! Dingleberry? Who did that?
- Was this you?
- No, it wasn't me.
- Was that you?
- No, I don't even know how to sew, Chief.
- That's crazy.
- All right, listen up.
These photos are gonna be professional.
You're gonna sit up
straight. You're gonna smile.
And don't be the jokester trying
to sneak in dirty messages.
Do not be the jokester.
- All right.
- Carry on.
You look good, Mickleberry.
I did do it.
- I knew it.
- I knew it.
- I do know how to sew.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, god!
Are you putting on makeup?
I mean, yes.
I am putting on makeup,
uh, to cover my hickeys.
- On your forehead?
- You should see her face.
- Barf.
- Oh, whatever.
When two people love each
other, that's what they do.
Wait, you've never
covered up hickeys before.
[GASPS] Because those are no hickeys.
Those are botox bruises.
What? No way.
Yeah, way, I watched four seasons
of "Botox Bunnies" on truTV.
I know exactly what I'm looking at.
Okay, fine. Yes, I got botox.
And it's not the first time.
Only this time, I got triple the CCS.
Doesn't look any different.
Ah, it hasn't kicked in yet.
But at any given moment,
this face is gonna freeze,
and these worry lines will
be blasted back to 1986.
- You should try it sometime.
- I look just fine.
Sure you do.
Whatever you do, don't tell your dad.
- Why not?
- Well
[CHUCKLES] Look at this
Harley Clifford-Jones.
He's got rooster throat
but a smooth forehead.
He's not fooling anyone.
Botox is for dorks.
I totally agree.
There's nothing more attractive
- than aging gracefully.
- Bullshit, Penisi.
- Botox is right up your alley.
- That's ridiculous.
I bet you 5 grand you use
it within the next ten years.
[CHUCKLES] You're on.
I will never do botox.
Oh, ho.
I am three weeks away
from winning that bet.
And I want that money.
Why are you risking it
with three weeks to go?
I've actually been on
botox the last ten years.
In fact, I was on botox
when we made the bet.
- You hypocrite.
- Well
You will be splitting
this with me, 50-50.
Well, do you want to win 2,500
or lose 5 grand when I tell my dad?
Oh, you are a rotten little street rat.
Okay, fine. You're on.
But don't you say a word to anybody.
Nice doing business with
you, you vain asshole.
Get out of here.

Goodness gracious.
Will you stop with the primping?
- Easy for you to say.
- When you're balding,
all you have to do is shave your head.
Excuse you?
This could be my first and last
department photo, Granny.
- Yeah, it's about to be.
- [GROANING] Oh, God.
Firefighting is a dangerous job.
Chief was right to say,
"take the photo seriously."
Especially when you're as old as he is.
- What?
- You're constantly cheating death.
He's right, Chief. You are much
closer to death than all of us.
We're the same age.
- Yeah, but [SIGHS]
you're the old same age.
I'm the young same age.
My psyche's in a much better place
'cause I don't feel old.
You know why that is?
I know why.
It's a little something
called "dostadning".
- Dodadning?
- Dostadning.
- Dodesting?
- Dostadning.
- Tostitos?
- It means "death cleaning."
It's a Swedish custom my
second wife taught me about.
When you get to a certain age,
It's the process of unburdening yourself
of unnecessary belongings.
Sounds like European bullshit to me.
Oh, I read about that.
You get rid of your physical clutter,
and it eliminates your mental clutter.
- You feel younger.
- That's right, probie.
Even the probie knows.
This whole thing sounds stupid.
Oh, god, ah.
- Oh, my God.
- Ouch.
I have a delivery for Granfield Smith
from Tacoma Creative Photo.
Oh, shoot.
Wow, I asked you to
deliver that outside.
- What'd you get, Granny?
- Just some body cam stuff.
- Oh, cool, cool, cool.

[GROANING] Oh, boy.
You know, you really should
get that shoulder checked out.
Ah, it's just old age.
I know you're full of false bravado.
But does this old age
talk ever bother you?
Nah, I still kick so much ass.
You know, I meant what I said out there.
I have no mental clutter,
and it keeps me feeling young.
But you are clutter city.
You can't even let go
of old electric razors.
Why would I throw away good batteries.
Well, you need a good dostadning.
You gotta declutter yourself.
Throw away something
you don't want anymore.
That's rough.
Oh, you know that throw
pillow you gave me?
[CHUCKLES] The one where I'm eating
the chicken wings on it? Yeah, yeah.
- This one.
"Sit on this."
Oh, man. That thing is hysterical.
It's pretty funny.
I'm gettin' rid of it.
Okay. How'd that feel?
I feel like I just unbuckled my belt
after a rack of ribs. [CHUCKLES]
You were right. I
never liked that pillow.
But you did. So I held onto it.
- And, frankly, it was a burden.
- Okay.
[SIGHS] But now I feel lighter.
That's what dostadning is all about.
Then I'm dostadning -ing-ing-ing.
Yeah, you are.
- Okay.

Oh, you look pleased with yourself.
The botox kicked in
while I was being smug.
- Now I'm stuck in "smug face."
- What?
How the hell am I gonna hide this?

I need to avoid terry
until this wears off.
You're gonna avoid him
for the next three months?
You look like the cat
that swallowed the canary.
You mean the cat that got the cream?
Don't you dare correct me
with that smug look on your face.
- Cover me. 50-50, remember.
- It's 60-40 now.
Such a street rat.
Eddie, you look like the
cat that caught the mouse.
- Gotta run.
- Huh, okay.
Ever get the feeling he's too cocky?
Every single day.
I've decided to do the
Swedish dostadning.
And in the interest of decluttering,
I've decided to get
something off my chest.
You know how you always asked me
why you didn't have a birthday
party until you were seven?
- Yes, I recall.
- Well, in 1998,
Ken Griffey Jr. led the American
League with 55 home runs.
On September 25th,
he was going for a career high 56.
- And I had the tickets.
- Oh.
But, unexpectedly, Vicky
went into labor with you
and I had to give up
those tickets. [CHUCKLES]
That night, when I was in the hospital,
Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 56th home run.
And because of your birth, I missed it.
I think you made the right call
being there for you daughter
And for seven long years,
I held it against you.
It was a very difficult
post-partum time for me.
But now I'm over it.
That feels great. Wow.
Are you fucking kidding?
Excuse me, hey, Chief, did
you want to see me or
Oh, yeah. Come on in, sit down.
Uh, was it just me
or was it Mickleberry and them too?
Just you.
Um, if this is about all, like,
the protein shake and
everything that was left out,
I think Mickleberry might have
got into that. That might not
This is not about Mickleberry.
This is something else.
As a result of my dostadning,
I've decided to give you one
of my most prized possessions.
- My joke collection.
- Why me?
Well, I know you have
trouble completing your jokes.
I thought this could help you out.
I mean, I
it's not that I have trouble
completing jokes. It's that, you know,
sometimes I'm trying to
think of, like, the perfect
[CHUCKLES] My joke collection.
Oh, whoa. [CHUCKLES] Cool.
What it's gotta be, like,
50 popsicle sticks in here.
Thousands. And I've sucked 'em all.
- Each one has a joke on it?
- Yeah.
My kids didn't want them,
so I figured I'd give them to you.
- Ah, wait, your kids didn't want these?
- Yeah, weird, right?
So many. Okay, uh
"what's the hardest thing
about learning to ride a bike?"
- BOTH: The pavement!
'Cause you're gonna fall
off and hit your head.
You picked the best
one right off the bat.
- Oh, that is so funny.
All right wait, "what kind
of a car does an egg drive?
A Yolkswagon."
- Yolkswagon?
- Yolks-wagon?
A "Yo " [LAUGHS]
- Yolkswagon.
Oh, man.
I didn't get it the first time either.
Wait, do you want me to give you
a handful too and we can,
like, go back and forth?
No, no, I think that's
that'll be all. You're dismissed.
Ugh, so sticky. [CHUCKLES]
You know what, Chief?
I actually was having a
hard time telling jokes.
Don't draw it out. You can go.
Do you want it open or closed?
- Uh, you can keep it open.
- You got it, Chief.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Dostadning. Dostadning.
Dostadning. Wow.

This book is so, so sad.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Hey, anybody know when
the photographer showin' up?
Don't know, don't care.
- What you lookin' for?
- What?
Uh, nothing.
Has anyone seen an
international plug adapter?
- What do you need it for?
- My radio.
You still have a plug-in radio?
- Cool.
"Because they live in schools."
[SNORTS] This one gets me every time.
Ike, those popsicle
sticks still look wet.
Please tell me you boiled them.
Uh, no. I'm not gonna boil them, Lucy.
'Cause that would erase the jokes.
The jokes are printed on
here. You know that, right?
Oh, here's one. Hey, here, I got one.
"What is a cow's favorite
form of entertainment?"
Hey, man, what's with that
smug look on your face?
It hasn't changed for an hour.
This is the way I always look.
Hey, Cap, did you get
the botox for the picture?
What? No, probie, be quiet.
You did. You're frozen.
Whoops. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, fine. A little bit.
Look at you,
Mr. "I don't care about
the photo. I don't age."
[SCOFFS] So disappointing.
Okay, just keep it quiet.
Wait, Cap, I got one for you.
"What goes up but doesn't come down?"
"Your age." [LAUGHS]
It's, like, the perfect one.
Literally the perfect
one for this moment.
I feel like the strawberry ones
are always the funniest.
Hey, Eddie, can I see you in my office?
Me? Now?
Yeah, now. Stop being so smug.
But I'm not being smug.
Oh, boy.

- Eddie, sit down.
- Nah, I'ma stand.
- No, please, sit down. Come on.
- No. I'd prefer to stand.
Please. It's a dostadning thing.
- Come on.
Sit down, come on.
I didn't think I'd be this nervous.
In an attempt to get
my affairs in order,
Vicky and I have
decided that in the event
that something should happen to us,
we would be honored if you
would be the guardian
of our daughters.
I'm being serious.
Yeah, no, it's incredible. I'm humbled.
Do you understand the
significance of what I'm asking?
- Yeah.
- Then what's with the smug face?
Mm-mm, I'm not smug.
- I'm overjoyed.
- This is overjoyed?
- That's not how I look.
- This is your face.
- That's not how I look.
- Okay, eh?
That's exactly how you look.
- MVA.
- Engine 24 and rescue
- Oh, gotta roll.
We'll pick this up later.
What's wrong with you,
you smug piece of shit?

Damn it. I need to fix my hair again.
The photographer will be here soon.
Yeah, got time to go to the salon, bro.
Hey, hey. Luce, Luce, Luce.
Hey, your dad is gonna
want to talk to me again.
I cannot accept his
dostadning with my face like this.
Well, at least your dostadning
was a heartfelt gesture.
He told me a baseball game
was more important than my birth.
Yeah, he hated you forever for that one.
He used to cry every time
he changed your diapers.
On the flip side, though,
he did give me the tickets to that game.
So thank you very much.
- It's 70-30 now.
- What?
I'm so mad right now.
I actually can't even tell.
Oh, I am furious.
Here, let me help.

- Your face feels like clay.
- I know.
- Okay, hold on, here we go.
Oh, okay. All right.
We're getting a little traction.
- Oh.
- Whoa.
Okay, I feel like I felt
my expression change.
Your face is actually dead.
Eddie, can we continue
our conversation, please?

Ooh. Hi, Ike!
- Oh.
- Hi.
Hey. How's it going?
Uh, I sorry.
Uh, guys, this is Billie
Jean, my neighbor, Billie Jean.
It's 3:00.
Oh, yeah! No, no, no.
I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's 3:00.
That because, um,
Billie Jean, wanted to,
have a tour of the fire station.
She's never been to
a fire station before.
- Guilty.
Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
- Um, just right this way.
- Oh, okay.
- We can start in here.
- Okay.
- Is Billie Jean his lover?
- I don't know.
It ain't none of my business.

I know I sprung a big ask on you before,
and I'm sorry about that.
I should have given you time to think.
No, no. I'm honored, really.
Well, it's just that
we're friends and, uh
Am I catching you at a bad time here?
Mm-mm. Why?
Seems like you don't care
about what I'm saying.
I do. I totally care.
All right, well, I'm trying
to do a dostadning here,
and it seems like you're
refusing my dostadning.
No, I fully support the dostadning.
I'm the one who suggested
the dostadning.
Well, I'm not gettin'
a very supportive vibe.
Do you not care about my kids?
I do. I love your kids.
You know what, Eddie? Don't be
sarcastic about someone's kids.
- I'm not.
- That's it.
My offer is officially rescinded.
What? No, Terry. Don't rescind it.
You know what, from now
on, we keep our relationship
strictly professional,
you heartless prick.
Wait, Terry. No, don't be mad.
Te no, Terry.
Please come back. Let's talk about it.
I really want to talk about it.
He didn't just rescind the offer.
He rescinded our friendship.
- I know.
- I even saw him throw this out.
His bfff mug.
I gave him this.
It's his second favorite mug.
How am I supposed to make amends
with my face looking like this?
- Tell him the truth.
- To the tune of $5,000?
No, thank you. This calls
for extreme measures.
Defib time.
Oh, my God. Uncle Eddie,
no, no, no, no, no.
[AED WHINES] Wait, are you kidding?
Electricity reverses muscular paralysis.
I need you to zap the
shit out of my face.
I don't think this is a good idea.
I put it on the lowest setting.
It's gonna be fine.
One time I even used these
to wake up your father.
There wasn't any lasting damage, so
But there was temporary damage?
You never wondered why there's a
gap between you and your sisters?
- You put it on his nuts?
- Yeah, it was hysterical.
We were laughing for
days. Let's do this.
All right. Fuck it.

- Make it count.
- Ah!
Okay. That's an improvement-ish.
And that you would even consider me
to be the guardian of your children
is an honor.
One I will never take lightly.
Well, you already did.
Then you laughed at me.
- I never laughed.
- First you had your smug face.
Then you looked like you didn't care.
And do I still look like that?
You look like you're having a stroke.
That's because my veins
are clotted with sadness.
- What are you doing with your face?
- Nothing.

- It's hard.
- No, it's not.
- And your forehead's leaking.
- It is?
- [GASPS] You got the botox.
- No, I didn't.
Your face is pumped
so full of filler you can't emote.
Fine. I admit it.
I did do the botox.
And that's why you can't tell
how much this means to me.
Well, I'm happy you
didn't dismiss me earlier.
But I'm sad you felt the need to
inject your face and look younger.
But then again, I'm happy
that you owe me 5,000 bucks.
That part makes me pretty sad.
But I am genuinely touched
that you've made me the
guardian of your children.
[CHUCKLES] Well, hold on.
I don't know if I can trust my kid
to someone who pumped their face
full of chemicals for vanity.
Well, Terry, I think the old age thing
affected me the same
way it affected you.
- Hmm.
- I'm sorry.
- What, are we hugging?
- Yeah.
Okay. [GRUNTS]
[SIGHS] All right.
- Ow, my shoulder. [GROANS]
- Too hard.
- You know, I would probably cry
if my tear ducts weren't paralyzed
- with frog poison.
The photographer's here.
Oh, and I haven't even put my face on.
And I better take my face off.
Yeah. Okay.
That's a lot of gear, huh?
What's the deal with those sunglasses?
Are they blue-blockers?
He looks like German bono.
Oh, Granny, need some help?
- No, I got it.
- Probie, help him out.
- No, no, I'm good.
- Let me just - no, don't touch
Leave it alone. Hey! Argh.
Oh, well, well, well.
Granny, what's with
the lighting equipment?
Okay, fine.
White photographers from the department
don't know how to light
black people properly.
So this year I'm gonna
make myself look good.
You said the picture didn't matter.
It doesn't.
But black lighting does.

Oh, honey, new hairdo for
the picture, huh? Looks great.
[WHISPERING] Always tell
them they look great.
Well, I tried to use
that foreign blow-dryer
Mom got me, and it just kept zapping me.
You look like Simba. I love it.
I just wanted to look good.
Aw, poor baby.
Just so you know, for these pictures,
We wear our hats.
- What?
- We do?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
I spent $50 on this hair, Chief.

- Hey-o.
- Hey, guys.
Where'd you get the makeup?
Okay, my friend Billie
Jean is a makeup artist.
- She did a little
- I thought she was your lover.
Uh, no, Mickleberry.
Billie jean is not my lover.
She's just a girl
who happens to be a makeup artist.
What kind exactly?
- I don't know.
- I think, like, lots of kind
like, professional kinds.
I think she works at
a funeral parlor too.
Ah, that explains it.
You know, just because
it's a death photo
doesn't mean you have to look dead.
Well, I'm glad no one cares
how they look for their photo.

Make love to the camera.
There's my girl.
- Here you go.
- "They use swine language"?
I don't get it.
Okay, that should be a good one.
You know what? I like this one.
Please press the lighting board cue
before you take the picture, all right?
Aw, Dad.
Looks sexy, Chiefy.

Hey, Eddie, mark your calendar.
Two tickets, Mariners-Yankees,
behind home plate
- for me and my little buddy.
- Aw.
Oh, me and you, skipper?
Well, you know, I had 5k to burn,
- so I figured what the heck?
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Hey-o. Hey, pictures came in.
- Hey, all right.
- Oh, cool.
Crystal. McConky.
Penisi. McConky.
- Look at that, in order.
- All right, death photo day.
- This was the best choice?
- Looks good.
I really can't die
until I take another one.
- At least I'm not too dark.
That's kind of cool.
I look a little bit sleepy or something.
- You look like a dead mime.
Oh, "what language do pigs speak?"
"Swine language." [LAUGHS]
- I remember sucking that stick.
Was it strawberry?
[CHUCKLES] of course it was.
'Cause they're always the funniest.
Hey, at least I look young.
I'm definitely getting botox again.
- Let's see yours.
- Hey, hey, let's see it.
- No.
- Da-da-da-da.
I just had a bad hair day.
- Whoa.
- Is that hair attached to your hat or something?
This is actually the best photo
I've ever taken, look at that.
- Eh?
- Yeah, Chiefy, noyce.
Aw, Dad, you look so handsome.
Look at that. [SIGHS]
Who's Hugh Janus?
Hugh Janus.
Hugh Janus? Hugh Jan
- Hugh Janus.
- Hugh Janus?
Huge anus? Who did that?
- What, are we hugging?
- Yeah.
[SIGHS] All right.
[GROANING] Oh, my shoulder.
Oh, God.
It was me.
He really got you.
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