Takin' Over The Asylum (1994) s01e01 Episode Script

Hey Jude

(CHIMING) Here we go.
That's six windows.
White, Never-Paint Weatherbeater, work to begin Monday week.
I don't know, Steven.
Perhaps we should go for the aluminium after all.
What was the price difference again? Look, Mr Wyatt, I'll leave these brochures with you, and I'll come back next week.
No! We'll have the Never-Paint Weatherbeater.
Mrs Wyatt, I've got to go.
-The aluminium then! -I'll pop in next week.
-I'll just go find a pen.
-Look, I've got to go! But Where are you going? I've made supper.
(CARS HONKING) Well, Kathleen.
Looks like you might get your chance sooner than you think.
EDDIE: Good evening, bed boppers.
Hospital Radio Radio Glasgow town Now, last week I asked you to let me know if you wanted to hear more '50s music, more '60s music, or more '70s music.
And after reading through a total of one reply, the answer is (FANFARE PLAYING) "I hope you break your leg and get gangrene".
(RAZZING SOUND EFFECT) So, that leads us to next week's mail bag.
Do you want me to break my leg, or just get gangrene? Or would you like me to break my leg, and get gangrene? Keep those cards and letters coming, bed boppers.
Come in.
I have a wee problem and I was wondering if you could help me out.
-You see, Kathleen -Oh, the Rottweiler.
Say no more.
I told you we should get rid of her.
You know, you've been with us a long time, Eddie.
-Seven years? -Eight.
My point exactly.
You're our most experienced DJ.
It's a wonder that you've not gone professional by now.
Well, I've not given it much thought.
Well, it's just that Kathleen has been with us for a year now, and she's paid her dues.
I just think it's time she had her own show.
Oh, no.
No chance.
You're not getting me to train her.
I'd sooner train Godzilla, who had better dress sense.
And only actually ate food when he was hungry.
Eddie, I've known you a long time, and you have to understand how difficult it is for me to say this.
Hey, have you dumped him yet or what? -Kathleen -Because I just want to know, am I doing the show next week or not? -You're getting rid of me? -I'm sorry, Eddie.
You cannae give her a slot.
We've got responsibility here, Mr Petrie.
There's folk out there on life-support machines.
You cannae make them listen to rap music.
I have to give the ones going through a chance, Eddie.
You can't take my show away from me.
I don't know if you'd be interested, but I got a call from a Dr Winter, who's the new administrator at St Jude's hospital.
Now they used to have a wee station there in the '70s, and she's interested in trying to get it going again.
They're looking for somebody to take it over.
-Ah, if you're not interested -No.
No, I'm interested.
I'll ring them tomorrow.
And he didnae dump me.
-I've been promoted, if you must know.
Taking over as Station Manager at St Jude's hospital.
What's so funny about that? St Jude's is a loony bin.
I'm sure you'll fit in there fine, Eddie! (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) Not without something in your stomach.
I make you nice supper, but you don't eat.
-I wasnae hungry.
But now you're thirsty, eh? Sit.
How you drink this? I don't understand Scots boys.
All night you drink, huff and huff, and speak loudly of your penises and vomit.
In Lithuania, all night boys drink vodka, and then fall down quietly.
(SIGHS) What's wrong? You have long face.
-Now, don't lie.
God sees you.
What's wrong? I've been sacked.
Oh, Jesus, Mary, Joseph.
You only have job three weeks.
No, not the sales job.
Radio station.
Oh, well.
It's good.
Maybe now you buy nice car, and go out to meet nice lassie.
There's nothing wrong with my car.
Eddie, brand new, this car was rubbish.
You are 38 years old and still not married.
I promise your mother on deathbed that I see you marry.
You want I die and burn forever in flames of hell? I just haven't found the right one.
You think I find the right one? You think your mother find the right one? All blue eyes and itchy feet.
We find misery.
But God put us on this Earth to suffer.
That's how He invent Stalin.
(SIGHS) EDDIE: "Dear Mr McKenna, "Thank you for sending us your demo tape.
"We have listened with interest.
"But unfortunately, we do not feel "Regrettably, we do not feel" Hello.
I'm Eddie McKenna.
I'm the new hospital radio DJ.
They told me the station was down here somewhere.
What's that? That's just my records.
-Have you got any Black Sabbath? -No.
What about Postman Pat? Um.
-You're a patient here? -I'm the nursing assistant.
Any of this lot give you any trouble, you just ask for Stuart.
-Right? -Right.
I'll go and get the charge nurse for you, okay? ( BYKER GROVETHEME ON TELEVISION) So, you must be the new DJ.
Eddie McKenna.
-Campbell Bain.
I suppose you want to have a look at your new station.
They told me you'd be expecting me.
I'll introduce you to all the loonies later on.
They're watching Neighbours at the moment.
It's the high point of the patients' day.
And eating, I suppose.
Two high points.
Eating and watching Neighbours.
And sleeping.
Three high points.
It's a wonder the patients aren't exhausted for all the excitement, eh? Here we are.
It's worse than I thought.
In here, everything is worse than you thought.
The albums have been arriving for weeks, but I don't think any of the donors were under 80 by the look of 'em.
Even some 78s in there.
Have you got the key? No, but we can try at the nurse's station.
It hasn't been used in years, you know.
They tried to get it going again a couple of years ago.
Rumour has it that the next morning 1 22 patients told the shrinks they were hearing voices.
(EDDIE LAUGHS) They prescribed about L6000 worth of major tranquillisers, before they realised it was the hospital radio.
So it had to be stopped.
I don't believe it myself.
I cannae believe 1 22 patients could not be watching television at the same time.
I've been looking for you, Campbell Bain.
Where have you been? I've been showing Eddie McKenna here the radio station.
He's the new DJ.
Well, you've missed the drug round.
Now go and tell nurse you need your drugs.
She's always doing that.
Always trying to get me to take drugs.
Downers for when I'm up, uppers for when I'm down.
If you did that on the outside, you'd be arrested, you know? Campbell.
-He's a patient? -Oh, yes.
-So you're the new DJ.
Think you'll get this thing going again? I'm going to try.
Electricians were in yesterday to check it over.
Mind you, all they can guarantee is it won't actually burn the place down.
Come on.
I'll get you the key.
EDDIE: They all look pretty normal.
What do you expect them to look like? The Beast of Borneo? So, how do they come to be in here? Things get on top of them.
One in four of us will suffer a mental health problem at some time in our lives.
It's a tough world out there, you know.
Now, she was picked up by the police a few weeks ago.
Living rough, drinking cheap vodka, hailing all and sundry in a language only she understands.
She's not typical, though.
She's just waiting for a bed on the continuing-care ward.
Now, the only thing we know about her at the moment is she's very religious.
Doctors reckon she's speaking in tongues.
Will she get better? After a few months in a long-stay ward, she won't be able to tie her shoelaces.
Believe me, if you had to invent something that was guaranteed to drive people completely around the bend, you'd invent a mental hospital.
(NANA SINGS EASTENDERSTHEME) Nana nana na na Oh, she loves music, by the way.
She could be one of your first customers.
-Is that why she's called -Nana.
Nana nana na na Well, I suppose all the germs are dead by now.
Well Where to start? Frankie Laine, Frank Sinatra, Frankie Vaughn.
Any albums here not by an artist called Frank? Terrific.
(SINGS EASTENDERSTHEME) You're not supposed to be in here.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) I have a definite feeling you are not supposed to be in here, okay? (SNIFFING) Oh, Nana.
I cannae give you my whisky.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) What would it do to you, huh? Make you go normal.
Oh, no.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Whatever you said.
Give me my wallet back.
(LAUGHING) There's no money in it, you know.
It's my business cards.
You see there? Edward McKenna.
Sales Representative.
I sell windows.
You know.
(NANA KNOCKS ON TABLE) I wondered where that went.
Haven't needed one of them in so long you'll probably find it's merely a sheep's bladder.
Ah! That's my godson.
That's my cousin's wee boy.
He's not mine.
He's my cousin's.
(SINGS EASTENDERSTHEME) You're as mad as a hatter, Nana, you know that? Ah, Nana.
Now For a start-off, we do not listen to Val Doonican's "Greatest Hits".
If you want to listen to some music, here's where we look.
Then we very carefully and respectfully take the record out of its sleeve, and very gently put it on the turntable, switch on the mixing desk.
(STATIC BUZZING) Nana! Then we switch on the turntable.
And this one's for you, Nana.
(HEYJUDE PLAYING) It actually works, Nana.
(BOTH LAUGHING) It's a miracle.
(BANGING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) Keep away from me! Keep away from me! Bastards! No! Get away from me! Get away from me! (SCREAMING) (WOMAN SCREAMING) (PHONE RINGING) Twinview.
May I help you? One moment, please.
McKenna, come up, man.
I've been meaning to have a blether.
Well, I should be (CLEARING THROAT) Sit down.
Sit down.
So, how's it going, hmm? How are you settling in? Not bad.
Not bad.
Is this you just back from pounding the pavements, eh? The victor returning to Rome.
Not exactly.
But I did get two definite maybes.
Well, now listen to me, son.
Before I got this Sales Manager job, I was a rep, just like you.
And do you know how I got to be where I am today? I don't know, Mr Griffin.
I never accepted a "maybe".
And that's my advice to you, McKenna.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.
And do you know what kind of dog you need to be? -No.
-Go on.
-I don't know.
-Then guess.
-An Alsatian? -A terrier.
Have you ever kept a terrier? -No, sir.
-Dreadful dogs.
Never keep a terrier.
That's my advice to you.
And do you know why you should never keep a terrier? I don't know much about dogs.
They bite your ankles, McKenna.
And they never let go.
Oh, you can say "maybe, maybe, maybe" to a terrier all you like, but they never let go.
A dog like that wants put down.
But a salesman, hmm.
A salesman like that wants promoted.
Do you know what I'm saying to you? I think so, Mr Griffin.
Now, I have to tell you, there's been a complaint about you.
-What? -Hmm.
It seems this couple in Queen's Park, the Wyatts, are saying that you steadfastly refused to sell them any windows.
They said they were practically running down the road after you, pen in hand, begging you to sell them some windows.
But you refused.
Aye, well (LAUGHING) Now listen to me, McKenna.
I've worked with the public all my life.
And believe me, half of that lot out there are daft.
And the other half are loonies.
And do you know what the Wyatts are? -No.
-Then, guess, son.
Loonies? See? You're beginning to follow me now.
But even loonies need double glazing.
So I want you to go back there tonight and close that sale.
All right? -Tonight's my night off.
-Hmm? -I mean, aye.
-Good lad.
Now away and bite their ankles, eh? Ruff, ruff.
That's mine.
Monthly sales report.
That was Summertime Blues, and this is Ready Eddie McKenna.
Ready to take you back in time with those golden, mouldin' oldies, on this our first broadcast on the all-new St Jude's Hospital Radio.
I'm going to be coming at you through your ward and dayroom speakers every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday evenings, 7:00 pm to 9:00.
So, let's get to know each other, eh? (TO KNOWHIM IS TO LOVE HIM PLAYING ON RADIO) (CHATTERING ON TV) (NANA SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Kamolindeya.
I suppose I'll have to push my way through the fan to get out of here.
(LOUD SOBBING) CAMPBELL: # Sometimes I wonder What am I gonna do? 'Cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues So you listened? Aye, it was brilliant! Sort of like a Levi's, Wrigley's, Pepsi and Irn-Bru advert all rolled into one.
Young girl, get out of my mind You never close your eyes Fame! You ain't nothing but a hound dog Did anyone else listen? Well, I don't think so.
Unless you count Agnes.
A nurse sat her next to one of the speakers.
But see, she's catatonic, so it was difficult to know whether she was actually listening.
You picked a bad time though.
Tuesday at 7:00, is Emmerdale.
And the patients are very fond of Emmerdale.
-So I should have started at 7:30? -They'd miss EastEnders.
-8:00? -Nae chance.
The Bill.
Television's not just a simple diversion here.
It's more a way of life.
You're not gonna pack it in, are you? -What do you think? -But this station has potential, Eddie.
It could be big.
It could be very big! Campbell, I have spent the entire evening alone, surrounded by 200 scratched, pre-coronation records, broadcasting on equipment that should be in a museum to one person, down speakers that make me sound like my head's in a bucket.
Well, okay, I admit.
It's a slow start.
But Hang on.
You're not boring me or that, but I've just seen a friend of mine flying past the window.
Fergus! What're you doing? You're gonna hurt yourself.
-Shall I get a nurse? -Fergus! -You're gonna miss your cocoa, you know! -I know.
-Well, can I have it then? -Help yourself.
-He's escaping.
He'll be knocking on the door in an hour or so.
He always does.
Annoys the hell out of the staff.
Anyway, Eddie, the only thing we have to do is find a way of getting that lot away from the television.
How? Well, a student nurse once accidentally gave everyone in the ward an overdose of laxative.
Believe me, nobody was watching TV that night.
Campbell, you cannae give the whole hospital a laxative.
Yeah, you're right.
Where would I get hold of all that laxative? What about a request show? I've already thought of that.
I haven't enough records.
-So? -So? When folk request something, they usually like to be able to play it.
We just make them keep requesting until they hit on something we actually have.
If you can guess a record that we actually have in our library, then we will play it for you with a special dedication.
-Who could resist? -It'll never work.
We'll need some jingles.
Hospital radio, St Jude's -That sort of thing.
-You need singers to record jingles.
And what exactly is sitting here before you? -A lunatic! -I'm a singing lunatic.
We could record them in the station, aye? -Aye -Brilliant! Now give me the key.
-What key? -To the station.
Look, I've gotta start.
Writing the jingles, rehearsing the singers, cataloguing the albums.
Campbell, how exactly are you in here? Can you not guess? I'm manic.
But don't worry.
The drugs I take make me completely stable.
Except for headaches, of course.
I get these headaches.
It just comes over me and I cannae Ah, the bells! The bells! -And I want my own show, by the way.
-What? Well, after all this work, I think it's only fair, don't you? Campbell, I cannae just give you your own show.
-You need training on the equipment.
-So? Train me.
I'll take Friday nights.
Will that not clash with Brookside? Rosalie, the doctor said you're not a window cleaner.
But these windows are filthy, so they are.
Give in yet? Um, might just take off.
I'm gonna train Campbell Bain as a DJ.
We're gonna get a request show going.
Get the patients involved.
If that's okay with the staff.
The philosophy here is to encourage patients to use their own initiative and be self motivated.
-So they will not mind? -They'll hate it.
(NANA SINGING NEIGHBOURSTHEME) Listen, I know it's none of my business or that, but I couldnae help but notice that's a Miraculous Medal around Nana's neck.
-So? -So, it means she's a Catholic.
Catholics don't speak in tongues, you see.
Maybe nobody's told Nana that.
Hang in there, pet.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement to make! Campbell, you're in the way! It will only take a moment.
We're trying to watch Miss Marple.
Look, I'll only take 1 0 seconds.
Move, afore I move you mysel'.
Ten seconds.
That's all I ask.
Give him 1 0 seconds, and then maybe he'll shut up.
I just wanted to announce that the woman Miss McGillicuddy saw being strangled on the train was in fact Martine Perrot, legal but estranged wife of Dr Quimper, who murdered her in order to be free to marry Emma Crackenthorpe, and inherit the Crackenthorpe fortune.
Why did you have to tell us how it ended? There's no point in watching it now.
Which brings me to my second announcement.
Is Gardeners' World on yet? Look, you're not getting to this television till I've made my second announcement.
Right! The gala re-launch of St Jude's hospital radio will take place tomorrow night at 7:00 pm.
We want Gardeners' World.
With the very first of our radio request shows, in which our very own Ready Eddie will play your requests and dedications live and on the air.
So, are you ready to request? Then ready, Eddie, go! Do you mean, if I make a request, you'll play it on the radio? CAMPBELL: The hospital radio.
Which means about three folk'll hear it.
Have you got I'm In The Mood For Love? Uh, no.
But I've got In The Mood by Glenn Miller.
Would you like us to play it for you? I've never heard it.
What about Take My Breath Away, have you got that? Um CAMPBELL: Was that released after 1 975? Oh, aye.
-CAMPBELL: Then no, but -Oh! Well, I mean, we haven't got every record ever released.
We want Gardeners' World.
You wouldnae have My Way by big Frank on that list of yours, would you? Sold! Give that man a pen and have him step this way.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (TURNS VOLUME UP) (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Is that you, Nana? Is that you as a wee'un? No.
No, couldn't be.
The photo's too recent.
That's not your wee kiddy, is it? (LAUGHING) We're starting up a request show, Nana.
Do you want me to play Hey Jude for you? (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Where's the rest of your life, Nana? Ta-da! This is amazing! You did this all yourself? -Well, nearly.
-I helped him.
Oh, I'm Rosalie, by the way.
Much as I hate to take advantage of someone's illness, but she did insist.
I'm compulsive, you see.
We've sorted out all the donated records, by the way.
I filed them alphabetically and catalogued them according to period, artist and song, except for this pile here, which we've left for you, because I wasn't sure how to categorise them.
Look! The lead on this speaker is long enough so we can put it in the corridor tomorrow night, and attract a wee bit of attention.
And I've written about half a dozen jingles which we can record later on if you want.
Hospital radio, St Jude's Mouldin' golden oldies, da-da, da-da Ready Eddie's road show Ready, Eddie, go! -You did all this in one day? -Aye! Don't you wish you were manic? Look, I've got to go to work now.
EDDIE: Campbell, have you ever noticed, does Nana ever get any visitors? Nana? No.
She's off to the twilight zone next week, so I hear.
-The what? -You know (HUMMING TWILIGHTZONETHEME) Ward 3.
Only two ways outta there.
In a box or in a box.
She showed me some photos tonight.
Her daughter, I think, and some other folk.
I mean, where are they? It's not her fault she's gone loop de loop.
-Oh, she's no loony.
-What do you mean? Well, she's a laugh! She talks to you.
I mean, it's not like she's talking to wee blue men from Venus.
Although some of my best friends have been known to talk to wee blue men from Venus.
Nana's as sane as I am.
Well, I wouldn't use those exact words in court, Campbell.
-You all right? -How would I not be all right? Don't know.
You're a patient here? Nah, I'm the new Minister of Health for Scotland.
What's your name? Francine.
So you're the new DJ, eh? That's me.
We're starting up a request show with the patients.
You want to request something, I'll play it for you.
What about Help? (LAUGHS) -I don't think I've got that one.
-Doesn't matter.
It's stupid.
I should have that one.
-Doesn't matter.
-What did you do that for? -I was putting out my cigarette.
-On your arm? I couldnae find an ashtray.
McKenna, I thought that was you.
Mr Griffin.
You're wasting your time here, aren't you, McKenna? This is not a replacement window friendly area, McKenna.
Look at the houses.
They are all brand new.
Good point.
Now tell me what's happening with the Wyatts.
-I haven't been able to get there yet.
-They've been busy, I suppose.
-McKenna, busy is not a word -In a salesman's vocabulary.
"Busy" is when your customer thinks there are more important things in his life than installing replacement windows.
But there isn't.
And it's your job to point that out to him.
Aye, Mr Griffin.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, McKenna.
And you know what kind of dog you have to be? A terrier, sir.
A dog who sells windows, McKenna.
Good lad.
(FANFARE PLAYING) Good evening! This is Ready Eddie.
And on my left is my right-hand man Campbell Bain.
And you're listening to the first ever Ready Eddie Radio Request Road Show! Ready Eddie's road show Ready, Eddie, go That's right.
This is the premiere.
This is the first.
And you can tell everyone that you were there.
You heard it! You saw it! And they'll tell you, it's all part of your illness.
We're playing requests from Ward 1 1 this evening.
The first one is for Francine.
I hope you're listening, Francine.
-I hope anybody's listening.
-Is anyone listening? Is anybody out there? (HELP! PLAYING ON RADIO) What's wrong with the telly? -What's the matter with it? -I don't know.
The television's broken, Eddie! There is a God! (MUSIC STOPS) (ALL EXCLAIMING DISAPPOINTEDLY) -What's wrong? -The mixing desk.
-Do something! -What can I do? I can't even turn on the bathroom light without shocking myself.
CAMPBELL: Well, check the plug.
Maybe it's the fuse.
-It's not the fuse.
-I cannae believe this.
I've just had the world's shortest career as a disc jockey.
-Fergus, what are you doing? -I'll just have a look.
No, don't! -Don't have a look there.
-I think he'll blow it up.
Fergus, I'm asking you.
Please leave it alone.
-He's gonna blow it up.
-CAMPBELL: He's not.
-I think I know what the problem is.
-For God's sake He's blowing it up! ALL: Fergus, Fergus, Fergus, Fergus Fergus, don't, okay? Fergus! Just leave it alone.
It's all we've got.
Fergus! Fergus! Fergus! Fergus! He's not causing trouble, is he? (STATIC BUZZING ON RADIO) No, he's just helping me get the mixing desk going again.
Him? He couldn't get his brain going again.
Leave it, Stuart.
It's all over.
You're a genius, Fergus.
You're a genius! Sorry about the technical problems, folks.
We are now back on the air and we hope to keep it that way.
Our next request is for Simon and is dedicated to his girlfriend, Jennifer.
(IF YOU DON'TKNOWME BYNOWPLAYING) Your number 3 and number 5 channels are U.
, by the way.
And some of the contacts need re-soldering.
It really needs an overhaul.
How did you learn to do all that, by the way? Used to be my job.
Electrical engineer.
Used to? Well, nobody wants to hire a loony.
Might do something weird.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
Doesn't matter.
I'll get some parts and the soldering iron tomorrow.
Have to go in to Glasgow for that.
-You escaping? -Mmm-hmm.
-Wanna tell me how you're gonna do it? -No.
Why do you have to do that all the time? -Do what? -Escape.
I get bored.
-But you come back.
-I have to come back, I'm sectioned.
Sectioned? Detained under Section 26 of the Scottish Mental Health Act.
A danger to myself, or others.
How? I hear voices.
How do you mean? In here.
Calling me a stupid bastard.
Well, I'm always calling myself a stupid bastard.
Well, don't tell them that.
(LAUGHING) Oh, I suppose I'll need to put this back.
Where did you get that from? From the back of the television.
You're a sleekit wee bastard.
Do you know that, Fergus? You coming for the cocoa? No.
I'm gonna try and finish sorting through these.
The Around the World series, volume 1 6.
Music from the Baltics.
Fergus, if we ever find ourselves wondering what they play on Baltic Top of the Pops, we need wonder no more.
I can just hear Lithuania's John Peel announcing.
At number 4, we've got Kuldrannake.
In at number 3, it's Ant kalno murai.
Straight in at number 2, Kui Kungla rahvas kuldsel aal.
But this week again, the number one single is Kamolindeja.
Jesus God, Fergus! Grandma! You're late! -Grandma, I need to ask you something.
-You eat first.
Then you ask.
Grandma, I came across this record tonight.
Does the word Kamolindeja mean anything to you? Don't be stupid.
-Doesn't it? -Of course not.
That is Latvian.
Oh, Jesus! (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH SPEAK LATVIAN) It's a dance she used to do.
Kamolindeja means the bobbin dance, you see.
We're going to discharge her.
How did this happen? She just never learnt to speak English.
She came here as a refugee and her daughter always did the talking for her.
-But she -But she died.
Two years ago.
She was speaking Latvian.
We just didnae understand.
-Good evening, Mr Wyatt.
-What are you doing here? I've come to see if you made your minds up about your windows.
We expected you ages ago.
Well, I had to draw up these contracts.
It takes time to draw up contracts.
The man from Rockfield took no time at all to draw up the contract.
They start work on Wednesday.
I'm sorry about that.
But business is business.
WOMAN: No sale, eh? No.
Don't forget your pay packet, by the way.
Not that what he pays you can reasonably be called a pay packet.
I'll get a sale tomorrow.
Nana? Ah! (SPEAKING IN LATVIAN) Whatever you said.
Ah! (NANA LAUGHING) Kamolindeja.

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