Takin' Over The Asylum (1994) s01e04 Episode Script
Fool On The Hill
(HANG ON SLOOPYPLAYING) ISABEL: Fergus.
Fergus? Have you seen Fergus? He's just gone off wearing a helmet.
Helmet? Yes! Yes! Fergus is wearing a helmet! He is wearing a helmet! Quick, everybody! Fergus has just been spotted wearing a helmet! (BEEPING) There he is! There he is! God! Yes! He's gonna do it.
-Yeah! -Yeah! (PATIENTS CHEERING) What's going on? Fergus MacKinnon is escaping again.
You mean, he's done this before? Hospital radio, St Jude's Hundreds of patients reported seeing an unidentified man flying from the roof of North Wing this afternoon.
An unprecedented amount of ECT was prescribed before it was pointed out that the flying man was none other than our own Fergus MacKinnon, hang gliding into town to buy our new mixer.
We're still waiting for Fergus to check in, but in the meantime, here's a dedication from all of us at the station to flying Fergus MacKinnon.
(AIN'TNO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH PLAYING) Where's your hang glider? I took it back where it came from.
Dr Hollis wants to see you tomorrow at 1 0:00, by the way.
-Who? -Your consultant! Oh.
PATIENT: (SINGING) # Ain't no valley low enough Ain't no river wide enough To keep me from you ââ¢Âª Ain't no mountain high enough ââ¢Âª (ALL CHEERING) Campbell, I've been looking all over for you.
Fergus is back with a mixer that he got in auction for a fraction of what it's worth.
Come and have a look.
Maybe later.
This is a big moment, Campbell.
What are you doing out here? I just got my post.
You got some bad news? It's not what I got, Eddie, it's what I didnae get.
I hope you're not expecting a message from the blue men from Venus.
Not the blue men from Venus, Eddie, the blue-suited bastards from the radio stations.
Oh.
It's been days since we did a publicity stunt.
I phoned Radio Scotland today, and you know what I found? The head of radio was on holiday.
His deputy was out to lunch at 2:30 in the afternoon! The head of entertainment was permanently on another line, and his senior producer was in a meeting all bloody day! No wonder they've not been in touch.
Eddie, nobody in that building actually does any work! Campbell, how'd you not just send them a demo? That would be grovelling.
Then grovel! Dr Hollis said just have a seat, she'll be with you in a moment.
-Would you like a tea or coffee? -No, thanks.
Do you always borrow books without permission? I'm not borrowing, I'm just looking.
Like you were just looking at the hang glider yesterday? No, I was definitely flying the hang glider.
Please, sit down.
I'm Dr Hollis.
I don't think we've met.
Do you mind telling me exactly what you thought you were doing yesterday? I thought I was going to an auction.
It wasn't very clever, was it? Your section's about to expire.
You could be out of here in three weeks.
I could be out of here this afternoon.
I understand escaping is a bit of a hobby for you.
Wherever did you get that hang glider anyway? From a sports club in Partick.
-You stole it? -Borrowed it.
I did an installation for them, so they loaned it to me for a few days.
Installation? Software.
Their new DTP program.
How did you get it up onto the roof? Up the stairs, through the access in the store room.
The store room is a restricted area.
How did you get the key? I pledged my kidneys.
If locks are no problem to you, why the hang glider? Why don't you just walk out of the front door? That wouldn't be much fun though, would it? Mr MacKinnon, I'm writing a paper on the relationship between schizophrenia and high intelligence.
I'd like to do a profile on you, if I may.
I'd like to do some tests, a personality inventory, an IQ test.
Would you be agreeable to that? -I suppose.
-Good.
If I set it up for Thursday, would that be all right? You're planning to be here on Thursday? I'll rearrange my schedule.
When I get the results, I'd like to have another interview with you before your discharge.
Discharge? As I said, your section expires in three weeks.
But I thought I don't see much point in keeping you here.
Do you? CAMPBELL: Dear sir or madam, please find enclosed clippings from last week's papers, which, if you have bothered to read, would have informed you that two bright young talents have emerged on the Glasgow radio scene.
Young? I'm giving you this one last chance to snap us up before some other station does and I'm sending you a demo of a show we did together recently.
I await your reply.
Yours faithfully.
Campbell, you cannae send a letter like that.
I'm sorry, Eddie, but it's no more Mr Nice Guy.
You haven't tried being polite to them yet.
I'm trying to get their attention, Eddie.
Well, you'll get that.
Hello.
I just thought I'd pop in.
"Post open day", as it were.
Dr Winter's asked me to thank you all on her behalf for a job well done.
So, this is it, eh? It's bigger than I expected.
For a small but growing station.
I'll get you an electrician, shall I? No, it's okay.
Fergus here is sorting us out.
Yes, but I think There's nothing to do after I bring it up to spec except plug it in.
Still, we must have a qualified person surely? Fergus is qualified.
He's a genius! He's got a degree in electronics.
Away and get your degree, Fergus.
EVELYN: There's no need.
Look, I'm sorry, but we cannot use this mixer until it's been installed by a qualified person.
Fergus is a qualified person.
Fergus is a patient! I am responsible for this station, Eddie.
Now, I will get you an electrician as quickly as I can.
But in the meantime, I'm not going to risk burning down the hospital! Now, surely that is not unreasonable.
Now look what you've done.
I'll put the requisition in this afternoon.
FRANCINE: Don't go! You don't want to look stupid.
The ward's not locked today.
Nobody's a clear and present danger to themselves or others, I suppose.
She's a cow, that Evelyn.
They'll letting me out of here in three weeks.
-What about your section? -Not renewing it.
The bastards! They always renew mine.
-Are you not looking forward to it? -No.
You'll be all right, you know.
If I had half your talent, I'd get myself the cushiest job going, a company car, and end up that rich I'd be eccentric instead of loony.
Maybe you will.
Not me.
I'm a hardcore unemployable.
I don't mind.
I'm very good at it, and everybody's got to have something.
But you've got brains, Fergus.
-You've got an education.
-Aye.
And a big hole on my CV that says I've been working for the blue men from Venus for the past two-and-a-half years.
You cannae let them beat you, Fergus.
Evelyn's not the only one out there, Francine.
-GRIFFIN: McKenna, what is this? -Newspaper.
And that? And that? Three newspapers? And what do these three newspapers have in common? -Don't know.
-Then guess, man.
Guess! They're all Scottish? What these newspapers have in common, McKenna, is that they've all got your mug in them.
Do you know how that makes me feel? Not proud, I take it.
Proud? I'd feel proud if there were a picture of you, for example, opening the biggest housing development in Europe.
Complete with 6,000 Twinview Windows! What does not make me proud is you engaging in some ridiculous antics in a mental institution.
It's Mental Health Week.
And what breaks my heart is that MacAteer had to be the one to tell me.
MacAteer? He and I had been discussing your future, McKenna.
I'd been thinking of bringing you in on the commercial side more.
The district council are asking for another tender.
Big money this time! But what am I supposed to make of this? It's not like Loonies do not buy patio doors and replacement windows, McKenna.
Now, how long has this radio business being going on? It's just a hobby.
Eight years, I suppose.
Why did you not mention it when I interviewed you for the job, man? It's only a couple of nights a week.
Well, you know what it says in the Bible, don't you? No.
Then guess, you moron.
What does it say in the Bible? -It says a lot of things in the Bible.
-Then guess! Love thy neighbour? Never mind about your neighbours! Tell them their timber's got wet rot, and sell them some windows.
It says, "No man can serve two masters.
" Now, this is a tough business.
And if we're going to take you on board the commercial side, you don't have a couple of nights to spare.
You don't have a couple of minutes to spare.
You live, you breathe, you eat and you excrete windows.
Or the competition will serve your bollocks to you with brown sauce.
Are you reading me? Aye.
Good lad.
Now, there is a commercial sales meeting Thursday week.
I want to bring you in and give you this tender with the council, but you tell your loony friends the party is over.
I don't know if I can do that.
Then I don't know if you can work for me.
Now, which is it going to be, McKenna? (WHOOPING) I've done it! I've done it! ON RADIO: This is the fabulous Francine, and tonight I'm bringing you music from 1 963 the year Kennedy was assassinated by a lone gunman.
It was also the year my brother's front tooth was turned into a sixpence by the Tooth Fairy, and Hamish in Ward 2 first saw reptiles looking at him through the keyhole.
I did it! I did it! (SHUSHING) Well, if you've just heard the commotion in the studio, you'll want to know that Campbell has done it.
We don't know what it is he's done, how, when, and who's going to clean it up, but stay tuned for Hospital News Time after this.
Do you not check before you barge in? I couldn't help myself, Eddie.
Radio Scotland have invited us in for a chat.
Thursday at 1 2:30.
I'm telling you, Eddie.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
You got this by writing that letter? Well, I toned it down a wee bit.
And you should see what I got to wear for the occasion.
Mr Cool Campbell.
Is it not absolutely brilliant? I traded a pack of cigarettes for it.
What do you think, Fergus? Aye, you look great.
What's up with him? EDDIE: Maybe he's still annoyed about the mixer.
Where is the mixer, anyway? They locked it in the nurses' room till they get the electrician in.
Orders of the Reichsführer, no doubt.
That'll be it then.
I think it's more likely to be this.
-What's that? -All the jobs he cannae have.
He's being discharged in a couple of weeks.
He can have any of these.
He'd blow them away.
He's got no references and no recent experience.
Sooner or later, they always find out, you know? Looks like he even got an application form for one.
Nothing from 1 991 till now.
Could he not just slip in a new re-list of jobs? How? With a pen.
Aye, nobody is going to care once they hire them.
April 1 991 to May 1 992, Assistant Programmer with IBM.
Not just Assistant.
Aye, make him Programmer.
No, Senior Programmer! And then, from April 1 992 to February 1 993 Computer Hardware Consultant with British Petroleum.
Perfect! And about time, too.
And then, February 1 993 to the present.
Systems Analyst for Strathclyde Regional Planning Department.
A diabolically clever career move.
You cannae put in all those jobs.
It'll look like he changes jobs too often.
You're right.
I think a man of Fergus' calibre would go straight for the Systems Analyst job in 1 991 and stick with it.
He's that kind of guy.
Brilliant but loyal.
He'd never get away with it though.
How not? Because he'd need a reference from his present employer and a return address that's not a loony bin.
Oh, aye.
CAMPBELL: Fergus! Fergus, what are you sitting there for? We've got letters to write, forms to fill in.
You are a Systems Analyst and you're getting an excellent reference from your current employer.
Who's my current employer? The Glasgow Area Manager of Twinview Windows, Mr Edward McKenna.
Francine, what you doing out here? The ward's not locked tonight.
And anyway, I'm allowed to go walkabout now.
But it's freezing cold! Here, take this.
That's the second time you've done that.
It's the kind of thing that happens in Mills and Boon books.
Didn't know folk did it in real life.
-Are you not cold yourself now? -Oh, no.
What's that? Some pilchards for McTavish.
I thought he was too fat.
Aye, but he cannae help it.
I've been trying to get him to trust me.
I've been putting the dish a wee bit closer to me every night, you see.
Last night, I stroked him.
And he let you? Not really.
He scratched the hell out of me.
So he might not come back tonight.
It's great what you're doing for Fergus.
Do you not worry about losing your job? All the time.
Good news about Radio Scotland though.
Don't think it'll come to anything.
Your show was great tonight.
You're doing really well, you know? Aye, you'd hardly know I was the same basket case you met when I first came in here, eh? You were never a basket case.
They've even offered me a half-day pass next week, if I want it.
Don't suppose I'll bother.
Why not? What would I do? Go for drive with me somewhere.
In my vintage Allegro.
-Where to? -Anywhere you want to go.
I want to go to Barbados.
Well, we could go to Jamaica Street.
(LAUGHING) What do you say? Aye.
Okay.
(FOLK MUSIC BLARING) EDDIE: Grandma, what are you doing? Grandma! (SWITCHES OFF MUSIC) What are you doing? I am dancing and making soup! Put the music on.
It's after midnight! The neighbours will be on at the council tomorrow.
All day they make noise with their boom boomy boom.
How they complain? Because they pay their rent on time.
What are you wearing that for? I go to Lithuanian club tonight.
We dance, we sing You drink vodka? We celebrate national day! Grandma, I need to talk to you.
I've got some bad news.
Good! I also have bad news.
What is it? I'm going to Lithuania.
Aye, well, it may take a bit of time to get the dosh together.
-When are you thinking of going? -November 21 st, 1 1 :00.
Grandma, Lithuania is a very cold country.
You cannae go on holiday to Lithuania in November.
I don't go on holiday, Eddie.
I am going home.
To live? Are you out of your mind? You cannae just go back after nearly 50 years.
Nearly 90 % percent of the folk you knew are dead now.
90 % of the folk I knew were dead in 1 945! How are you going to live? Mrs Prackhauskas has relatives in Mariampole.
They give me small room, I give them hard currency.
I've talked to DSS.
They send my pension to Lithuania.
Only thing is, you must give me L3,000.
What? Grandma, I haven't got L3,000.
I need travel money, furniture and things.
And money to bribe people sometimes, it's very poor country.
I want to die in my own country, Eddie.
It's time to go home now.
It's natural to go home.
I thought you wanted to see me married.
There's still time to get special licence.
We find nice lassie for you next week.
I'm going to remember everything about today, Eddie.
I'm going to remember what I had for breakfast, that song that's playing on the radio.
Just don't get your hopes up too much, huh? Eddie, I'm telling you.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
Buy us lunch? All the big deals are clinched over lunch.
Like Dallas.
You ever see JR clinch a deal over coffee? If JR offered you coffee, you were out.
If they offer us coffee, Eddie, it's bad news.
Are you not excited? Don't you want to go into Twinview tomorrow and tell them all to bugger off? Aye, sure I would.
And I'm going to remember that busker over there.
Hang in there, my man.
You'll be famous one day! Come on! And I'm going to remember that car.
And I'm going to remember those trees.
I'm going to remember going through this door.
I'm going to remember this carpet.
Edward McKenna and Campbell Bain to see Paula Kinghorn, please.
And these awards! Eddie, folk who worked in this building got these awards.
You can go right up.
It's the fourth floor, and Paula will meet you at the lift.
And I'm going to remember you.
You're wonderful.
You're amazing.
Hi, Paula Kinghorn, Senior Producer, Entertainment Department.
I'm so glad we could meet at last.
I remember reading about your publicity stunt with Spike Milligan in the papers.
And we were much impressed with your demo.
Fiona, you couldn't get me a coffee, could you? Would you like a coffee? CAMPBELL: I can't believe she rushed us out of there like that.
She didnae.
She had a lunch meeting.
That should have been our lunch meeting, Eddie.
You don't want to keep this as a memento, do you? CAMPBELL: Well, I'm not going to stand for it.
They're not going to treat us like this.
Like what? They're interested, Campbell.
They're going to get us in to do a pilot as soon as a slot comes up.
I'm sorry, but if that's the best they can do, I'm going to Radio Clyde.
EDDIE: Campbell, Radio Clyde aren't interested.
Aye, they are.
They just don't know it yet! Campbell, maybe in the films a guy can take a handful of his fragile, wee dreams into the big white building and they make him a star.
But in the real world, you beat your head against the brick wall until it's bloody.
And then, maybe, one day, you look up and you see just a wee crack in it.
There's a lot more of my blood on that wall than yours, Campbell.
And today, I looked up and saw that crack.
I'll phone Radio Clyde tomorrow.
-Are you coming in? -Aye.
Some letters came to the flat for Fergus.
-First or second class? -Why? Because, Eddie, nobody spends an extra six pence to say, "Don't call us, we'll call you.
" Yes! Fergus! I've been invited for an interview.
Yes! I knew we could do it.
When for? -Monday.
-Monday! We've got to get organised.
Where's Rosalie when you need her? Have you got a suit? -No.
-You're in luck.
My great-uncle died last month, I've still got my suit from the funeral.
And you need a haircut, my man.
I can cut it if you want.
I haven't been for an interview since I left university.
You'll do great.
Just you be yourself.
-But I'm a loony.
-Then be somebody else.
Michael Burke is good.
-Or David Attenborough? -Michael Burke? Come on, let's take a look at the suit.
You sure you want to do this? Of course I do.
Rosalie -Rosalie, is that you in the cupboard? -No.
-Who's in the cupboard then? -Nobody.
Eddie, have you see Rosalie? Our social worker is here.
She's disappeared again.
I haven't seen her.
Well, if she turns up here, can you ask her to come to the nurse's station.
Rosalie, you're hiding from your social worker.
They want to make me go to one of them places, Eddie.
Full of crazy people.
But here is full of crazy people.
But in them places, there's people who don't flush the toilet, and there's nobody there whose job it is to come and flush it for them.
I could not live in a place like that.
They're gonna catch you eventually, Rosalie.
But I'm always on the lookout.
They'll wake you up in your sleep.
I'll not sleep then.
You see, there's a four-month waiting list for supported accommodation.
All I have to do is hide for the next four months.
I think it's a brilliant plan.
You okay? Listen, I was thinking How would you like to be controller? But you're the controller, Eddie.
If I was the controller, what would you be? I might not be able to run the station any more, you see? Why not? My boss says I have to give it up.
Then lie, say you have.
I'm no good at lying.
You're lying for Fergus.
That's different, that's a white lie.
Then write your boss a wee note.
Uh-uh, I'd have to face him eventually.
I cannae look somebody in the face and lie.
They always know.
And you're a salesman? Aye, and a very bad one.
But it's all I've got, and sooner or later, they'll catch up with me.
Sooner or later, they'll catch up with me, too.
But I've got a lot more hidey-holes up my sleeve than they think I have.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You do what you have to do, Eddie.
Well, if it isn't our Eddie, Eddie McKenna.
The moustache suits you, by the way.
How did you have to show these to Griffin? I'd no choice.
He doesnae read newspapers.
In fact, I'm not sure he can read.
Fortunately, I brought pictures.
-So I hear you might be leaving us.
-Who told you that? I hear the old man's given you an ultimatum.
Tough decision, eh? The adulation of literally dozens of loony listeners drilling into their wee radio sets against a potential 65 grand in district council commissions next year.
I wouldn't know what to do either, to be honest.
Come on, McKenna, hit me.
I'd love to see you hit somebody.
I'm sure it wouldnae hurt.
-What have you got against me, MacAteer? -What have I got against you? You took a L1 ,200 commission from under my nose with that council scheme.
And now you're up on your hind legs like a slobbering wee dog at a butcher shop getting one fat sausage after another from Griffin.
Is that not enough to have against you? -Aye, but -This is cutthroat business, McKenna.
I got a L200,000 mortgage, I've got an overdraft of about 20 grand loaning that car, and if it's you or me, you are going down every time.
You're not a salesman, McKenna.
And not even in your wet wee dreams could you be Glasgow Area Manager.
-Give us that letter.
-What are you doing? -Give us it.
-It's not addressed to you, it's addressed to the Glasgow Area Manager.
I'll give you the Henderson sale.
I'll give you the Christchurch rectory sale! For one wee letter? What deal have you got going on with these people? I'm really sorry.
Are you okay? I was right.
It didnae hurt.
You're not gonna tell Griffin, are you? -About hitting me? -About the letter.
So he'd know you've been getting about, trying to impress your big clients with a flash title? Oh, no fear.
He probably would promote you to Glasgow Area Manager.
(RETURN TO SENDER PLAYING) (BUZZING) Listen to that, Eddie.
That channel's gonna go in the middle of my show tonight.
Then what am I supposed to do, use a loudhailer? I'll have another word with Evelyn, but she says the electricians are a law unto themselves.
Evelyn's a law unto herself.
She walks all over you, you know that? Campbell, everybody walks all over me.
Is Fergus about? He's escaped for his interview this afternoon.
And I've got more bad news.
Oh, great, just what I need.
-Okay, never mind.
-Just tell me, Campbell.
No, you don't want to hear.
Campbell, I've already thumped somebody today.
I'll thump you next if you don't tell me.
Well, um Radio Clyde are definitely out.
Out of what? Out of the master plan.
Campbell, Radio Clyde were never remotely interested in the first place.
Well, they were when I told them about Radio Scotland.
Campbell, what did you tell them? That Radio Scotland had made us an offer.
Just a late-night slot filling in for somebody.
Why did you have to tell them that? I could have told them they'd offered us a permanent slot, but I thought that may be a bit much.
What do you think? I think you're a lunatic, Campbell! Aye, but what do you think of the game plan? Campbell, you might have just blown our hopes for Radio Scotland.
I don't think so.
I mean, the guy from Radio Clyde was dead impressed and that.
And? And he said he thought we ought to take Radio Scotland's offer.
Which we don't have.
Which Radio Clyde know we don't have.
Which Radio Scotland will know by the end of the week that we've been saying we have, but don't have.
But we will.
I haven't even talked to Radio Scotland yet.
Then don't! Eddie, I'm doing this for us, for you! Don't do anything for me, Campbell.
I actually have a contact at Radio Scotland.
I am 38 years old, and Paula Kinghorn is my first contact.
Let me have that.
Just let me imagine, as I drift off to sleep at night, that some day that's gonna mean I'll be a professional DJ.
How can you not do that for me? Because we're a duo.
Then go solo! We are going to go into professional radio together, Eddie.
That was the deal, that's still the deal.
Anyway, I've already set up an appointment with Radio Scotland for Tuesday.
4:00.
That okay with you? EDDIE: Well, here we are.
Jamaica Street.
It's no Barbados, but we can go to the leisure centre if you want.
Got a pool and some sun-beds.
Nah, this is great.
Let's go for a walk.
FRANCINE: I love this place.
Da used to take me when I was wee to watch the trains come in.
He'd say, "That one's come all the way from London, "and that's come all the way from Plymouth.
" So he was a trainspotter, then? No, he just liked to count all the new things he didnae know.
You look awful tired, you know? No, I've just got that kind of face.
When I was a wee boy, the teacher was always saying, "Wake up!" And I'd say, "I'm not sleeping, miss.
" And then thwack across the hand for talking back.
I was going to be a concert pianist, you know? And you ended up a DJ.
No, I ended up a loser.
You're not a loser, Eddie.
Last thing Angela said to me was, "You're a loser, Edward McKenna.
You'll never amount to anything.
" She ended up getting married to a guy in Edinburgh who imports coffee from Brazil, big time.
He probably personally orders the beatings of dissident coffee workers.
I ran into her up Buchanan Street a couple of years ago.
She smiled like she was dead pleased to see me and she said, "So, are you still trying to break into radio?" I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a wee'un.
I used to leap about the house wearing Ma's nylon petticoat.
Dancing and all that shite.
What did your folks think? Don't suppose they thought anything.
Da was always pished and Ma was always trying to kill herself.
Even now, I could walk into any casualty in Glasgow and somebody would say, "Oh, look, there's Mary Boyle's wee girl.
" She used to buy a new nightie every time, so she'd look nice when Da came in from the pub, found her and rushed her to hospital.
They'd come home all kisses and cuddles.
And this went on until Da got into a fight with a chip shop owner over some cold chips one night.
He was arrested and had to spend the night in jail.
Poor Ma.
She'd shite all over her new nightie when they finally found her.
What age were you? Eight.
Da went mental after that.
Everything drove him crazy.
One night, I woke up.
There was this hellish row in the kitchen.
I walked in and there was Da in his pyjamas, pished, soaked to the skin, chucking buckets of water out the window to stop a couple of cats screwing, 'cause it was keeping him awake.
Did it work? I don't think so.
Nothing stops a tomcat getting what he wants.
It's the female makes all the noise, see.
Screaming and screaming like a wee baby greeting its heart out.
Greeting its wee heart out.
What happened to you, Francine? Did someone hurt you? How do you mean? I'm talking about cats screwing.
Does that embarrass you, that? (CONGRATULATIONS PLAYING) (PARTY HORN BLOWING) Campbell, what's going on? He did it.
Fergus got the job! I always said he was a genius.
We did it, Eddie! We can heal the sick, we can raise the dead.
Campbell, Fergus deserved to get the job.
But that's the beauty of it.
He deserved the job and he got it.
-Is that not a miracle? -Right enough.
So you did it, you wee bastard.
Subject to references.
Don't worry about that.
I said you're the best systems analyst I've ever worked with and I'd be sick to lose you.
It's all true.
What am I going to do now? Now, you get up every morning, you go to work, you hate your boss, that's it.
That's a lot better than it sounds if you're making a lot of dosh.
Aye.
And this is just the beginning.
Anything's possible now.
Eddie, we're gonna get that job at Radio Scotland.
And Rosalie is gonna get a flat with carpets and central heating.
And a dishwasher.
And Francine is gonna dance on the stage at Covent Garden.
And two channel is gonna go in three seconds.
(MUSIC STOPS, FEEDBACK) Oh, Jesus! Where's the bloody electrician? EDDIE: We don't need an electrician.
We need somebody with a degree in electronics.
We need a systems analyst.
Where are we gonna get a systems analyst at this time of night? (CLEARS THROAT) (MUSIC PLAYING) CAMPBELL: And it's business as usual! I didn't expect that to work.
I'm sorry, Rosalie, but your social worker is here.
It's 1 0:00 at night! She came specially, come on! And it's business as usual.
Campbell Bain and Eddie McKenna to see Paula Kinghorn.
We've got a 4:00 appointment.
Just a moment.
And remember, Eddie, let me do the talking.
Will I ever get a choice? I'm sorry, but Paula Kinghorn is in a meeting just now.
Will she be long? Well, actually, her secretary doesn't have you down for 4:00.
When does she have us down for? She hasn't got you down at all, actually.
What? Listen, Eddie and I have just been made an offer from Radio Clyde.
And Paula is supposed to be discussing a counter offer this afternoon.
Did you make the appointment with her secretary or with Paula directly? With Paula directly.
Just a minute then.
You haven't got an appointment, have you? Of course I do.
But does she know about it? Aye.
I told her about it in the letter.
I'm sorry, but there seems to be a mix-up.
Paula Kinghorn's in a meeting, and she's scheduled to go to straight to another meeting when she's finished.
-That's all right.
-No, it's not.
We've flown all the way from the west coast for this meeting.
He means Troon.
We've just come back from holidays.
We've come all the way from Hollywood, and we're not going to be treated like this.
If she cannae see us, then fine.
We'll accept Radio Clyde's offer and be done with it.
I'll try her secretary again.
No need, I'll take care of our guests from Hollywood.
Have you really got an offer from Radio Clyde? Aye.
I know it's just a fill-in slot, but they've asked for an option for the future.
I'm sorry for making an arse of myself and I'm sorry for getting you out of a meeting, but I wanted you to know that we would really rather be working for you, before we signed anything with them.
And that's the truth.
Come and see me tomorrow at 5:00.
We'll see if we can get you in to do a pilot for us, shall we? EDDIE: How do you do that? Just lie like that? It's not lying.
Sometimes you just have to look somebody in the eye and tell the truth that should be instead of the truth that is.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Is everything all right? Good lad.
Excuse me, please.
How are you? Didn't expect to see you here, McKenna.
Thought you wanted to bring me in on the commercial side? Not still doing that radio lark, are you? Of course not.
Well, you know, I'm sorry to take a man away from his hobby, but You gotta be mean to be on the team.
We'll make a sales manager out of you yet, McKenna, eh? (LAUGHING) You can borrow it if you want.
-Just browsing.
-Why do you keep on reading it then? Know your enemy.
Is that how you think of me? Know your friend? Well, I've got all the results back from the profile we did, and I must say they paint an extraordinary picture.
Particularly the IQ test results, which are surprisingly high.
Well, I just put down what the voices tell me to.
Joke.
I would like you to participate in a longer term study that I'm planning.
This would mean doing a similar profile at regular intervals in the future.
Perhaps involving the odd residential stay.
-No chance.
-No, not as a patient.
Just for the purposes of study.
Before you say no, hear me out.
Schizophrenia is as baffling to us as it is distressing for you.
Without research, without willing participants in that research, we will never find a cure.
Now, you can see that, can't you? Listen I'm starting a new job, and all I want to know from you is what day exactly you're letting me out, so I can tell them when I can start.
Yes.
Well, that was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.
Your GP has been on to me.
They asked him for a medical reference and he needed a psychiatric assessment.
And And I told him the truth.
Mr MacKinnon, I know this must be painful, but Systems Analyst is a very responsible position, and you're simply not able to take on that kind of responsibility.
But, perhaps by way of compensation, I have decided to take you on myself as one of my personal long-term patients.
Didn't know I was long-term ill.
You suffer from schizophrenia, which is a long-term illness.
Not always.
In your case, I believe it is.
From now on, I will be in personal charge of your care.
And I promise you, I'll do my very best to keep it under control.
(VOICE ECHOING) It's something you're just going to have to live with, like insulin-dependent diabetes.
(LAUGHING) Diabetics can get a job.
I'm sorry, Mr MacKinnon.
(VOICES IN FERGUS' HEAD WHISPERING) (SCREAMS) Fergus, what are you doing? I'm installing the new mixer.
They'll just take it back.
Not this time.
'Cause I've screwed it to the desk.
They'll have to take the desk apart, and they'll need an electrician to do it.
Has something happened about the job? Mmm-hmm.
They renewed your section? No, they're letting me out.
They're letting me out to sit in my room, they're letting me out to watch the television.
Fergus, please.
How come you're not starting the job? Because they needed a medical reference and Hollis told them I'm just a fucking loon.
Well, that's it then.
Finished.
Fergus, don't go.
Next time we'll get you a medical reference.
If Eddie can be your boss, he can be your doctor.
Oh, Fergus, don't go.
Eddie and Campbell will be back soon.
Where are you going? Out for some air.
Fergus, please don't go! Open the door! Open the door! Somebody open the door! -Francine! -Fergus is gone! Fergus is always going out, Francine.
He's gonna do something.
I've got to go after him! He'll be all right! Eddie! Fergus is gone! He's not got a job any more.
Hollis told them he was a loony! -Would you leave her? -He's gonna do something.
I saw him on the ledge, he's heading for the tower, I know it! (FRANCINE CRYING) He'll be all right.
He will.
Oh, Jesus.
Fergus! Is Fergus dead? Aye.
McTavish is pregnant, is he not? Aye.
(FOOL ON THE HILL PLAYING)
Fergus? Have you seen Fergus? He's just gone off wearing a helmet.
Helmet? Yes! Yes! Fergus is wearing a helmet! He is wearing a helmet! Quick, everybody! Fergus has just been spotted wearing a helmet! (BEEPING) There he is! There he is! God! Yes! He's gonna do it.
-Yeah! -Yeah! (PATIENTS CHEERING) What's going on? Fergus MacKinnon is escaping again.
You mean, he's done this before? Hospital radio, St Jude's Hundreds of patients reported seeing an unidentified man flying from the roof of North Wing this afternoon.
An unprecedented amount of ECT was prescribed before it was pointed out that the flying man was none other than our own Fergus MacKinnon, hang gliding into town to buy our new mixer.
We're still waiting for Fergus to check in, but in the meantime, here's a dedication from all of us at the station to flying Fergus MacKinnon.
(AIN'TNO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH PLAYING) Where's your hang glider? I took it back where it came from.
Dr Hollis wants to see you tomorrow at 1 0:00, by the way.
-Who? -Your consultant! Oh.
PATIENT: (SINGING) # Ain't no valley low enough Ain't no river wide enough To keep me from you ââ¢Âª Ain't no mountain high enough ââ¢Âª (ALL CHEERING) Campbell, I've been looking all over for you.
Fergus is back with a mixer that he got in auction for a fraction of what it's worth.
Come and have a look.
Maybe later.
This is a big moment, Campbell.
What are you doing out here? I just got my post.
You got some bad news? It's not what I got, Eddie, it's what I didnae get.
I hope you're not expecting a message from the blue men from Venus.
Not the blue men from Venus, Eddie, the blue-suited bastards from the radio stations.
Oh.
It's been days since we did a publicity stunt.
I phoned Radio Scotland today, and you know what I found? The head of radio was on holiday.
His deputy was out to lunch at 2:30 in the afternoon! The head of entertainment was permanently on another line, and his senior producer was in a meeting all bloody day! No wonder they've not been in touch.
Eddie, nobody in that building actually does any work! Campbell, how'd you not just send them a demo? That would be grovelling.
Then grovel! Dr Hollis said just have a seat, she'll be with you in a moment.
-Would you like a tea or coffee? -No, thanks.
Do you always borrow books without permission? I'm not borrowing, I'm just looking.
Like you were just looking at the hang glider yesterday? No, I was definitely flying the hang glider.
Please, sit down.
I'm Dr Hollis.
I don't think we've met.
Do you mind telling me exactly what you thought you were doing yesterday? I thought I was going to an auction.
It wasn't very clever, was it? Your section's about to expire.
You could be out of here in three weeks.
I could be out of here this afternoon.
I understand escaping is a bit of a hobby for you.
Wherever did you get that hang glider anyway? From a sports club in Partick.
-You stole it? -Borrowed it.
I did an installation for them, so they loaned it to me for a few days.
Installation? Software.
Their new DTP program.
How did you get it up onto the roof? Up the stairs, through the access in the store room.
The store room is a restricted area.
How did you get the key? I pledged my kidneys.
If locks are no problem to you, why the hang glider? Why don't you just walk out of the front door? That wouldn't be much fun though, would it? Mr MacKinnon, I'm writing a paper on the relationship between schizophrenia and high intelligence.
I'd like to do a profile on you, if I may.
I'd like to do some tests, a personality inventory, an IQ test.
Would you be agreeable to that? -I suppose.
-Good.
If I set it up for Thursday, would that be all right? You're planning to be here on Thursday? I'll rearrange my schedule.
When I get the results, I'd like to have another interview with you before your discharge.
Discharge? As I said, your section expires in three weeks.
But I thought I don't see much point in keeping you here.
Do you? CAMPBELL: Dear sir or madam, please find enclosed clippings from last week's papers, which, if you have bothered to read, would have informed you that two bright young talents have emerged on the Glasgow radio scene.
Young? I'm giving you this one last chance to snap us up before some other station does and I'm sending you a demo of a show we did together recently.
I await your reply.
Yours faithfully.
Campbell, you cannae send a letter like that.
I'm sorry, Eddie, but it's no more Mr Nice Guy.
You haven't tried being polite to them yet.
I'm trying to get their attention, Eddie.
Well, you'll get that.
Hello.
I just thought I'd pop in.
"Post open day", as it were.
Dr Winter's asked me to thank you all on her behalf for a job well done.
So, this is it, eh? It's bigger than I expected.
For a small but growing station.
I'll get you an electrician, shall I? No, it's okay.
Fergus here is sorting us out.
Yes, but I think There's nothing to do after I bring it up to spec except plug it in.
Still, we must have a qualified person surely? Fergus is qualified.
He's a genius! He's got a degree in electronics.
Away and get your degree, Fergus.
EVELYN: There's no need.
Look, I'm sorry, but we cannot use this mixer until it's been installed by a qualified person.
Fergus is a qualified person.
Fergus is a patient! I am responsible for this station, Eddie.
Now, I will get you an electrician as quickly as I can.
But in the meantime, I'm not going to risk burning down the hospital! Now, surely that is not unreasonable.
Now look what you've done.
I'll put the requisition in this afternoon.
FRANCINE: Don't go! You don't want to look stupid.
The ward's not locked today.
Nobody's a clear and present danger to themselves or others, I suppose.
She's a cow, that Evelyn.
They'll letting me out of here in three weeks.
-What about your section? -Not renewing it.
The bastards! They always renew mine.
-Are you not looking forward to it? -No.
You'll be all right, you know.
If I had half your talent, I'd get myself the cushiest job going, a company car, and end up that rich I'd be eccentric instead of loony.
Maybe you will.
Not me.
I'm a hardcore unemployable.
I don't mind.
I'm very good at it, and everybody's got to have something.
But you've got brains, Fergus.
-You've got an education.
-Aye.
And a big hole on my CV that says I've been working for the blue men from Venus for the past two-and-a-half years.
You cannae let them beat you, Fergus.
Evelyn's not the only one out there, Francine.
-GRIFFIN: McKenna, what is this? -Newspaper.
And that? And that? Three newspapers? And what do these three newspapers have in common? -Don't know.
-Then guess, man.
Guess! They're all Scottish? What these newspapers have in common, McKenna, is that they've all got your mug in them.
Do you know how that makes me feel? Not proud, I take it.
Proud? I'd feel proud if there were a picture of you, for example, opening the biggest housing development in Europe.
Complete with 6,000 Twinview Windows! What does not make me proud is you engaging in some ridiculous antics in a mental institution.
It's Mental Health Week.
And what breaks my heart is that MacAteer had to be the one to tell me.
MacAteer? He and I had been discussing your future, McKenna.
I'd been thinking of bringing you in on the commercial side more.
The district council are asking for another tender.
Big money this time! But what am I supposed to make of this? It's not like Loonies do not buy patio doors and replacement windows, McKenna.
Now, how long has this radio business being going on? It's just a hobby.
Eight years, I suppose.
Why did you not mention it when I interviewed you for the job, man? It's only a couple of nights a week.
Well, you know what it says in the Bible, don't you? No.
Then guess, you moron.
What does it say in the Bible? -It says a lot of things in the Bible.
-Then guess! Love thy neighbour? Never mind about your neighbours! Tell them their timber's got wet rot, and sell them some windows.
It says, "No man can serve two masters.
" Now, this is a tough business.
And if we're going to take you on board the commercial side, you don't have a couple of nights to spare.
You don't have a couple of minutes to spare.
You live, you breathe, you eat and you excrete windows.
Or the competition will serve your bollocks to you with brown sauce.
Are you reading me? Aye.
Good lad.
Now, there is a commercial sales meeting Thursday week.
I want to bring you in and give you this tender with the council, but you tell your loony friends the party is over.
I don't know if I can do that.
Then I don't know if you can work for me.
Now, which is it going to be, McKenna? (WHOOPING) I've done it! I've done it! ON RADIO: This is the fabulous Francine, and tonight I'm bringing you music from 1 963 the year Kennedy was assassinated by a lone gunman.
It was also the year my brother's front tooth was turned into a sixpence by the Tooth Fairy, and Hamish in Ward 2 first saw reptiles looking at him through the keyhole.
I did it! I did it! (SHUSHING) Well, if you've just heard the commotion in the studio, you'll want to know that Campbell has done it.
We don't know what it is he's done, how, when, and who's going to clean it up, but stay tuned for Hospital News Time after this.
Do you not check before you barge in? I couldn't help myself, Eddie.
Radio Scotland have invited us in for a chat.
Thursday at 1 2:30.
I'm telling you, Eddie.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
You got this by writing that letter? Well, I toned it down a wee bit.
And you should see what I got to wear for the occasion.
Mr Cool Campbell.
Is it not absolutely brilliant? I traded a pack of cigarettes for it.
What do you think, Fergus? Aye, you look great.
What's up with him? EDDIE: Maybe he's still annoyed about the mixer.
Where is the mixer, anyway? They locked it in the nurses' room till they get the electrician in.
Orders of the Reichsführer, no doubt.
That'll be it then.
I think it's more likely to be this.
-What's that? -All the jobs he cannae have.
He's being discharged in a couple of weeks.
He can have any of these.
He'd blow them away.
He's got no references and no recent experience.
Sooner or later, they always find out, you know? Looks like he even got an application form for one.
Nothing from 1 991 till now.
Could he not just slip in a new re-list of jobs? How? With a pen.
Aye, nobody is going to care once they hire them.
April 1 991 to May 1 992, Assistant Programmer with IBM.
Not just Assistant.
Aye, make him Programmer.
No, Senior Programmer! And then, from April 1 992 to February 1 993 Computer Hardware Consultant with British Petroleum.
Perfect! And about time, too.
And then, February 1 993 to the present.
Systems Analyst for Strathclyde Regional Planning Department.
A diabolically clever career move.
You cannae put in all those jobs.
It'll look like he changes jobs too often.
You're right.
I think a man of Fergus' calibre would go straight for the Systems Analyst job in 1 991 and stick with it.
He's that kind of guy.
Brilliant but loyal.
He'd never get away with it though.
How not? Because he'd need a reference from his present employer and a return address that's not a loony bin.
Oh, aye.
CAMPBELL: Fergus! Fergus, what are you sitting there for? We've got letters to write, forms to fill in.
You are a Systems Analyst and you're getting an excellent reference from your current employer.
Who's my current employer? The Glasgow Area Manager of Twinview Windows, Mr Edward McKenna.
Francine, what you doing out here? The ward's not locked tonight.
And anyway, I'm allowed to go walkabout now.
But it's freezing cold! Here, take this.
That's the second time you've done that.
It's the kind of thing that happens in Mills and Boon books.
Didn't know folk did it in real life.
-Are you not cold yourself now? -Oh, no.
What's that? Some pilchards for McTavish.
I thought he was too fat.
Aye, but he cannae help it.
I've been trying to get him to trust me.
I've been putting the dish a wee bit closer to me every night, you see.
Last night, I stroked him.
And he let you? Not really.
He scratched the hell out of me.
So he might not come back tonight.
It's great what you're doing for Fergus.
Do you not worry about losing your job? All the time.
Good news about Radio Scotland though.
Don't think it'll come to anything.
Your show was great tonight.
You're doing really well, you know? Aye, you'd hardly know I was the same basket case you met when I first came in here, eh? You were never a basket case.
They've even offered me a half-day pass next week, if I want it.
Don't suppose I'll bother.
Why not? What would I do? Go for drive with me somewhere.
In my vintage Allegro.
-Where to? -Anywhere you want to go.
I want to go to Barbados.
Well, we could go to Jamaica Street.
(LAUGHING) What do you say? Aye.
Okay.
(FOLK MUSIC BLARING) EDDIE: Grandma, what are you doing? Grandma! (SWITCHES OFF MUSIC) What are you doing? I am dancing and making soup! Put the music on.
It's after midnight! The neighbours will be on at the council tomorrow.
All day they make noise with their boom boomy boom.
How they complain? Because they pay their rent on time.
What are you wearing that for? I go to Lithuanian club tonight.
We dance, we sing You drink vodka? We celebrate national day! Grandma, I need to talk to you.
I've got some bad news.
Good! I also have bad news.
What is it? I'm going to Lithuania.
Aye, well, it may take a bit of time to get the dosh together.
-When are you thinking of going? -November 21 st, 1 1 :00.
Grandma, Lithuania is a very cold country.
You cannae go on holiday to Lithuania in November.
I don't go on holiday, Eddie.
I am going home.
To live? Are you out of your mind? You cannae just go back after nearly 50 years.
Nearly 90 % percent of the folk you knew are dead now.
90 % of the folk I knew were dead in 1 945! How are you going to live? Mrs Prackhauskas has relatives in Mariampole.
They give me small room, I give them hard currency.
I've talked to DSS.
They send my pension to Lithuania.
Only thing is, you must give me L3,000.
What? Grandma, I haven't got L3,000.
I need travel money, furniture and things.
And money to bribe people sometimes, it's very poor country.
I want to die in my own country, Eddie.
It's time to go home now.
It's natural to go home.
I thought you wanted to see me married.
There's still time to get special licence.
We find nice lassie for you next week.
I'm going to remember everything about today, Eddie.
I'm going to remember what I had for breakfast, that song that's playing on the radio.
Just don't get your hopes up too much, huh? Eddie, I'm telling you.
If they buy us lunch, we're in.
Buy us lunch? All the big deals are clinched over lunch.
Like Dallas.
You ever see JR clinch a deal over coffee? If JR offered you coffee, you were out.
If they offer us coffee, Eddie, it's bad news.
Are you not excited? Don't you want to go into Twinview tomorrow and tell them all to bugger off? Aye, sure I would.
And I'm going to remember that busker over there.
Hang in there, my man.
You'll be famous one day! Come on! And I'm going to remember that car.
And I'm going to remember those trees.
I'm going to remember going through this door.
I'm going to remember this carpet.
Edward McKenna and Campbell Bain to see Paula Kinghorn, please.
And these awards! Eddie, folk who worked in this building got these awards.
You can go right up.
It's the fourth floor, and Paula will meet you at the lift.
And I'm going to remember you.
You're wonderful.
You're amazing.
Hi, Paula Kinghorn, Senior Producer, Entertainment Department.
I'm so glad we could meet at last.
I remember reading about your publicity stunt with Spike Milligan in the papers.
And we were much impressed with your demo.
Fiona, you couldn't get me a coffee, could you? Would you like a coffee? CAMPBELL: I can't believe she rushed us out of there like that.
She didnae.
She had a lunch meeting.
That should have been our lunch meeting, Eddie.
You don't want to keep this as a memento, do you? CAMPBELL: Well, I'm not going to stand for it.
They're not going to treat us like this.
Like what? They're interested, Campbell.
They're going to get us in to do a pilot as soon as a slot comes up.
I'm sorry, but if that's the best they can do, I'm going to Radio Clyde.
EDDIE: Campbell, Radio Clyde aren't interested.
Aye, they are.
They just don't know it yet! Campbell, maybe in the films a guy can take a handful of his fragile, wee dreams into the big white building and they make him a star.
But in the real world, you beat your head against the brick wall until it's bloody.
And then, maybe, one day, you look up and you see just a wee crack in it.
There's a lot more of my blood on that wall than yours, Campbell.
And today, I looked up and saw that crack.
I'll phone Radio Clyde tomorrow.
-Are you coming in? -Aye.
Some letters came to the flat for Fergus.
-First or second class? -Why? Because, Eddie, nobody spends an extra six pence to say, "Don't call us, we'll call you.
" Yes! Fergus! I've been invited for an interview.
Yes! I knew we could do it.
When for? -Monday.
-Monday! We've got to get organised.
Where's Rosalie when you need her? Have you got a suit? -No.
-You're in luck.
My great-uncle died last month, I've still got my suit from the funeral.
And you need a haircut, my man.
I can cut it if you want.
I haven't been for an interview since I left university.
You'll do great.
Just you be yourself.
-But I'm a loony.
-Then be somebody else.
Michael Burke is good.
-Or David Attenborough? -Michael Burke? Come on, let's take a look at the suit.
You sure you want to do this? Of course I do.
Rosalie -Rosalie, is that you in the cupboard? -No.
-Who's in the cupboard then? -Nobody.
Eddie, have you see Rosalie? Our social worker is here.
She's disappeared again.
I haven't seen her.
Well, if she turns up here, can you ask her to come to the nurse's station.
Rosalie, you're hiding from your social worker.
They want to make me go to one of them places, Eddie.
Full of crazy people.
But here is full of crazy people.
But in them places, there's people who don't flush the toilet, and there's nobody there whose job it is to come and flush it for them.
I could not live in a place like that.
They're gonna catch you eventually, Rosalie.
But I'm always on the lookout.
They'll wake you up in your sleep.
I'll not sleep then.
You see, there's a four-month waiting list for supported accommodation.
All I have to do is hide for the next four months.
I think it's a brilliant plan.
You okay? Listen, I was thinking How would you like to be controller? But you're the controller, Eddie.
If I was the controller, what would you be? I might not be able to run the station any more, you see? Why not? My boss says I have to give it up.
Then lie, say you have.
I'm no good at lying.
You're lying for Fergus.
That's different, that's a white lie.
Then write your boss a wee note.
Uh-uh, I'd have to face him eventually.
I cannae look somebody in the face and lie.
They always know.
And you're a salesman? Aye, and a very bad one.
But it's all I've got, and sooner or later, they'll catch up with me.
Sooner or later, they'll catch up with me, too.
But I've got a lot more hidey-holes up my sleeve than they think I have.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You do what you have to do, Eddie.
Well, if it isn't our Eddie, Eddie McKenna.
The moustache suits you, by the way.
How did you have to show these to Griffin? I'd no choice.
He doesnae read newspapers.
In fact, I'm not sure he can read.
Fortunately, I brought pictures.
-So I hear you might be leaving us.
-Who told you that? I hear the old man's given you an ultimatum.
Tough decision, eh? The adulation of literally dozens of loony listeners drilling into their wee radio sets against a potential 65 grand in district council commissions next year.
I wouldn't know what to do either, to be honest.
Come on, McKenna, hit me.
I'd love to see you hit somebody.
I'm sure it wouldnae hurt.
-What have you got against me, MacAteer? -What have I got against you? You took a L1 ,200 commission from under my nose with that council scheme.
And now you're up on your hind legs like a slobbering wee dog at a butcher shop getting one fat sausage after another from Griffin.
Is that not enough to have against you? -Aye, but -This is cutthroat business, McKenna.
I got a L200,000 mortgage, I've got an overdraft of about 20 grand loaning that car, and if it's you or me, you are going down every time.
You're not a salesman, McKenna.
And not even in your wet wee dreams could you be Glasgow Area Manager.
-Give us that letter.
-What are you doing? -Give us it.
-It's not addressed to you, it's addressed to the Glasgow Area Manager.
I'll give you the Henderson sale.
I'll give you the Christchurch rectory sale! For one wee letter? What deal have you got going on with these people? I'm really sorry.
Are you okay? I was right.
It didnae hurt.
You're not gonna tell Griffin, are you? -About hitting me? -About the letter.
So he'd know you've been getting about, trying to impress your big clients with a flash title? Oh, no fear.
He probably would promote you to Glasgow Area Manager.
(RETURN TO SENDER PLAYING) (BUZZING) Listen to that, Eddie.
That channel's gonna go in the middle of my show tonight.
Then what am I supposed to do, use a loudhailer? I'll have another word with Evelyn, but she says the electricians are a law unto themselves.
Evelyn's a law unto herself.
She walks all over you, you know that? Campbell, everybody walks all over me.
Is Fergus about? He's escaped for his interview this afternoon.
And I've got more bad news.
Oh, great, just what I need.
-Okay, never mind.
-Just tell me, Campbell.
No, you don't want to hear.
Campbell, I've already thumped somebody today.
I'll thump you next if you don't tell me.
Well, um Radio Clyde are definitely out.
Out of what? Out of the master plan.
Campbell, Radio Clyde were never remotely interested in the first place.
Well, they were when I told them about Radio Scotland.
Campbell, what did you tell them? That Radio Scotland had made us an offer.
Just a late-night slot filling in for somebody.
Why did you have to tell them that? I could have told them they'd offered us a permanent slot, but I thought that may be a bit much.
What do you think? I think you're a lunatic, Campbell! Aye, but what do you think of the game plan? Campbell, you might have just blown our hopes for Radio Scotland.
I don't think so.
I mean, the guy from Radio Clyde was dead impressed and that.
And? And he said he thought we ought to take Radio Scotland's offer.
Which we don't have.
Which Radio Clyde know we don't have.
Which Radio Scotland will know by the end of the week that we've been saying we have, but don't have.
But we will.
I haven't even talked to Radio Scotland yet.
Then don't! Eddie, I'm doing this for us, for you! Don't do anything for me, Campbell.
I actually have a contact at Radio Scotland.
I am 38 years old, and Paula Kinghorn is my first contact.
Let me have that.
Just let me imagine, as I drift off to sleep at night, that some day that's gonna mean I'll be a professional DJ.
How can you not do that for me? Because we're a duo.
Then go solo! We are going to go into professional radio together, Eddie.
That was the deal, that's still the deal.
Anyway, I've already set up an appointment with Radio Scotland for Tuesday.
4:00.
That okay with you? EDDIE: Well, here we are.
Jamaica Street.
It's no Barbados, but we can go to the leisure centre if you want.
Got a pool and some sun-beds.
Nah, this is great.
Let's go for a walk.
FRANCINE: I love this place.
Da used to take me when I was wee to watch the trains come in.
He'd say, "That one's come all the way from London, "and that's come all the way from Plymouth.
" So he was a trainspotter, then? No, he just liked to count all the new things he didnae know.
You look awful tired, you know? No, I've just got that kind of face.
When I was a wee boy, the teacher was always saying, "Wake up!" And I'd say, "I'm not sleeping, miss.
" And then thwack across the hand for talking back.
I was going to be a concert pianist, you know? And you ended up a DJ.
No, I ended up a loser.
You're not a loser, Eddie.
Last thing Angela said to me was, "You're a loser, Edward McKenna.
You'll never amount to anything.
" She ended up getting married to a guy in Edinburgh who imports coffee from Brazil, big time.
He probably personally orders the beatings of dissident coffee workers.
I ran into her up Buchanan Street a couple of years ago.
She smiled like she was dead pleased to see me and she said, "So, are you still trying to break into radio?" I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a wee'un.
I used to leap about the house wearing Ma's nylon petticoat.
Dancing and all that shite.
What did your folks think? Don't suppose they thought anything.
Da was always pished and Ma was always trying to kill herself.
Even now, I could walk into any casualty in Glasgow and somebody would say, "Oh, look, there's Mary Boyle's wee girl.
" She used to buy a new nightie every time, so she'd look nice when Da came in from the pub, found her and rushed her to hospital.
They'd come home all kisses and cuddles.
And this went on until Da got into a fight with a chip shop owner over some cold chips one night.
He was arrested and had to spend the night in jail.
Poor Ma.
She'd shite all over her new nightie when they finally found her.
What age were you? Eight.
Da went mental after that.
Everything drove him crazy.
One night, I woke up.
There was this hellish row in the kitchen.
I walked in and there was Da in his pyjamas, pished, soaked to the skin, chucking buckets of water out the window to stop a couple of cats screwing, 'cause it was keeping him awake.
Did it work? I don't think so.
Nothing stops a tomcat getting what he wants.
It's the female makes all the noise, see.
Screaming and screaming like a wee baby greeting its heart out.
Greeting its wee heart out.
What happened to you, Francine? Did someone hurt you? How do you mean? I'm talking about cats screwing.
Does that embarrass you, that? (CONGRATULATIONS PLAYING) (PARTY HORN BLOWING) Campbell, what's going on? He did it.
Fergus got the job! I always said he was a genius.
We did it, Eddie! We can heal the sick, we can raise the dead.
Campbell, Fergus deserved to get the job.
But that's the beauty of it.
He deserved the job and he got it.
-Is that not a miracle? -Right enough.
So you did it, you wee bastard.
Subject to references.
Don't worry about that.
I said you're the best systems analyst I've ever worked with and I'd be sick to lose you.
It's all true.
What am I going to do now? Now, you get up every morning, you go to work, you hate your boss, that's it.
That's a lot better than it sounds if you're making a lot of dosh.
Aye.
And this is just the beginning.
Anything's possible now.
Eddie, we're gonna get that job at Radio Scotland.
And Rosalie is gonna get a flat with carpets and central heating.
And a dishwasher.
And Francine is gonna dance on the stage at Covent Garden.
And two channel is gonna go in three seconds.
(MUSIC STOPS, FEEDBACK) Oh, Jesus! Where's the bloody electrician? EDDIE: We don't need an electrician.
We need somebody with a degree in electronics.
We need a systems analyst.
Where are we gonna get a systems analyst at this time of night? (CLEARS THROAT) (MUSIC PLAYING) CAMPBELL: And it's business as usual! I didn't expect that to work.
I'm sorry, Rosalie, but your social worker is here.
It's 1 0:00 at night! She came specially, come on! And it's business as usual.
Campbell Bain and Eddie McKenna to see Paula Kinghorn.
We've got a 4:00 appointment.
Just a moment.
And remember, Eddie, let me do the talking.
Will I ever get a choice? I'm sorry, but Paula Kinghorn is in a meeting just now.
Will she be long? Well, actually, her secretary doesn't have you down for 4:00.
When does she have us down for? She hasn't got you down at all, actually.
What? Listen, Eddie and I have just been made an offer from Radio Clyde.
And Paula is supposed to be discussing a counter offer this afternoon.
Did you make the appointment with her secretary or with Paula directly? With Paula directly.
Just a minute then.
You haven't got an appointment, have you? Of course I do.
But does she know about it? Aye.
I told her about it in the letter.
I'm sorry, but there seems to be a mix-up.
Paula Kinghorn's in a meeting, and she's scheduled to go to straight to another meeting when she's finished.
-That's all right.
-No, it's not.
We've flown all the way from the west coast for this meeting.
He means Troon.
We've just come back from holidays.
We've come all the way from Hollywood, and we're not going to be treated like this.
If she cannae see us, then fine.
We'll accept Radio Clyde's offer and be done with it.
I'll try her secretary again.
No need, I'll take care of our guests from Hollywood.
Have you really got an offer from Radio Clyde? Aye.
I know it's just a fill-in slot, but they've asked for an option for the future.
I'm sorry for making an arse of myself and I'm sorry for getting you out of a meeting, but I wanted you to know that we would really rather be working for you, before we signed anything with them.
And that's the truth.
Come and see me tomorrow at 5:00.
We'll see if we can get you in to do a pilot for us, shall we? EDDIE: How do you do that? Just lie like that? It's not lying.
Sometimes you just have to look somebody in the eye and tell the truth that should be instead of the truth that is.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Is everything all right? Good lad.
Excuse me, please.
How are you? Didn't expect to see you here, McKenna.
Thought you wanted to bring me in on the commercial side? Not still doing that radio lark, are you? Of course not.
Well, you know, I'm sorry to take a man away from his hobby, but You gotta be mean to be on the team.
We'll make a sales manager out of you yet, McKenna, eh? (LAUGHING) You can borrow it if you want.
-Just browsing.
-Why do you keep on reading it then? Know your enemy.
Is that how you think of me? Know your friend? Well, I've got all the results back from the profile we did, and I must say they paint an extraordinary picture.
Particularly the IQ test results, which are surprisingly high.
Well, I just put down what the voices tell me to.
Joke.
I would like you to participate in a longer term study that I'm planning.
This would mean doing a similar profile at regular intervals in the future.
Perhaps involving the odd residential stay.
-No chance.
-No, not as a patient.
Just for the purposes of study.
Before you say no, hear me out.
Schizophrenia is as baffling to us as it is distressing for you.
Without research, without willing participants in that research, we will never find a cure.
Now, you can see that, can't you? Listen I'm starting a new job, and all I want to know from you is what day exactly you're letting me out, so I can tell them when I can start.
Yes.
Well, that was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.
Your GP has been on to me.
They asked him for a medical reference and he needed a psychiatric assessment.
And And I told him the truth.
Mr MacKinnon, I know this must be painful, but Systems Analyst is a very responsible position, and you're simply not able to take on that kind of responsibility.
But, perhaps by way of compensation, I have decided to take you on myself as one of my personal long-term patients.
Didn't know I was long-term ill.
You suffer from schizophrenia, which is a long-term illness.
Not always.
In your case, I believe it is.
From now on, I will be in personal charge of your care.
And I promise you, I'll do my very best to keep it under control.
(VOICE ECHOING) It's something you're just going to have to live with, like insulin-dependent diabetes.
(LAUGHING) Diabetics can get a job.
I'm sorry, Mr MacKinnon.
(VOICES IN FERGUS' HEAD WHISPERING) (SCREAMS) Fergus, what are you doing? I'm installing the new mixer.
They'll just take it back.
Not this time.
'Cause I've screwed it to the desk.
They'll have to take the desk apart, and they'll need an electrician to do it.
Has something happened about the job? Mmm-hmm.
They renewed your section? No, they're letting me out.
They're letting me out to sit in my room, they're letting me out to watch the television.
Fergus, please.
How come you're not starting the job? Because they needed a medical reference and Hollis told them I'm just a fucking loon.
Well, that's it then.
Finished.
Fergus, don't go.
Next time we'll get you a medical reference.
If Eddie can be your boss, he can be your doctor.
Oh, Fergus, don't go.
Eddie and Campbell will be back soon.
Where are you going? Out for some air.
Fergus, please don't go! Open the door! Open the door! Somebody open the door! -Francine! -Fergus is gone! Fergus is always going out, Francine.
He's gonna do something.
I've got to go after him! He'll be all right! Eddie! Fergus is gone! He's not got a job any more.
Hollis told them he was a loony! -Would you leave her? -He's gonna do something.
I saw him on the ledge, he's heading for the tower, I know it! (FRANCINE CRYING) He'll be all right.
He will.
Oh, Jesus.
Fergus! Is Fergus dead? Aye.
McTavish is pregnant, is he not? Aye.
(FOOL ON THE HILL PLAYING)