Tales from the Crypt (1989) s02e08 Episode Script
For Cryin' Out Loud
AH HA HA HE HE HE.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY GUITAR, BUT I COULD NEVER QUITE MASTER THE FINGERING.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
SO I WON'T BE A ROCK STAR.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BEING A SHOCK STAR.
MY GROUPIES.
TONIGHT'S LITTLE RIFF IS RIFE WITH SEX, DEATH AND ROCK 'N' ROLL.
NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
HA HA HA HA HA HA! YOU'LL MEET A PUTREFIED PROMOTER OF POP WITH AN EAR FOR A HIT.
I DON'T WANT TO KILL IT FOR YOU.
LET'S JUST SAY WE COME INTO THE STORY JUST WHEN HIS CAREER IS GETTING REAL HOT.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Man: PLEASE! PLEASE! HURRY UP! LET'S DO IT! HA HA HA! HUH! HA HA HA! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GUY IN SUCH A HURRY TO DIE? HA HA HA! HEE HA! HO HA HA HA HA! HAH! WHAT? OH, YEAH.
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU? WELL, YOU KEEP IT UP, BIG MOUTH.
YOU'LL GET YOURS.
WHOO! DO YA, HUH? I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR BRAINS, FRIED OR OVER EASY? HA HA HA! WHO'S HE TALKING TO? COME ON! LET'S GO, GOD DAMN IT! LET'S HURRY IT UP! PULL THE SWITCH! SHOOT ME THE JUICE! FRY ME! UH! UH! THERE.
THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS AGAIN.
THERE.
THAT'S IT.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HEARING THIS, MR.
SLASH? I- WELL- I DON'T KNOW.
A COUPLE OF WEEKS, BUT LATELY IT'S BEEN GETTING A LOT LOUDER.
WOULD YOU DESCRIBE WHAT YOU HEAR AS A RINGING? NO, IT'S NOT A RINGING.
BUZZING, THEN? NO, IT'S NOT A BUZZING! WELL, THEN, WHAT IS IT? IT'S LIKE WHOA WHOA WHOA OH.
WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA! LOOK, YOU'RE THE GODDAMN EAR SPECIALIST.
YOU TELL ME WHAT'S IN THERE.
THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE, MR.
SLASH.
I CAN HEAR SOMETHING IN THERE.
WHAT YOU THINK YOU HEAR IS AN ABERRATION.
AN ABERRATION CAUSED BY REPEATED EXPOSURE TO HIGH DECIBELS.
YOU'VE DONE SEVERE DAMAGE TO YOUR EARS, MR.
SLASH.
IN THE SHORT TERM, EAR PLUGS ALWAYS IN THE WORK PLACE, EAR DROPS EACH NIGHT, EACH EAR, 2 DROPS.
PUT A LITTLE SALVE ON THE COTTON SWAB, THEN GENTLY COAX IT INTO THE EAR.
WHAT, THIS IS ALL I GET FOR A FUCKIN' $200 VISIT? THAT AND SOME ADVICE.
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WHAT LITTLE HEARING YOU HAVE LEFT, GET OUT OF THE ROCK AND ROLL BUSINESS.
WOULD TONIGHT BE SOON ENOUGH, DOC? GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY, SHUT THE FUCK UP! YEAH.
THERE'S ONE FUCKER HERE WE HAVE TO FUCKIN' THANK FOR PUTTING THIS WHOLE FUCKIN' THING TOGETHER.
IT WAS HIS FUCKIN' IDEA.
WE OUGHTA THANK HIM FOR THE FUCKING AIR WE'RE FUCKIN'- BREATHING RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, THERE'S THE FUCKIN' TREES THAT MAKE THE FUCKING AIR.
SO LET'S SHOW HIM HOW MUCH WE FUCKING LOVE HIM! MARTY SLASH! HOW ARE YOU, MARTY? HOW ARE YOU, MARTY? THANK YOU VERY MUCH, IGGY POP AND LEATHER WEAZL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THOSE KIND AND MOVING WORDS.
I'M TOUCHED AND HUMBLED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IGGY I THINK THE CREDIT REALLY BELONGS TO ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE HELPED MAKE MY DREAM A REALITY! CHIEF KABUBI.
Audience: CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF KABUBI, PLEASE TELL YOUR BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL AMAZONIAN PEOPLE THAT WE HAVE PUT $1 MILLION INTO THE BANK FROM THESE BENEFIT CONCERTS.
AND I ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MONEY WILL GO WHERE IT'S NEEDED MOST.
ROCK ON! ALL RIGHT! WE DO IT, AND I GET WITH IT, DOING MY THING LIKE A SEX MACHINE! MOVING! GROOVING! OWW! WAS I OK, MR.
SLASH? YOU WERE- YOU WERE GREAT, SID.
YOU WERE GREAT.
LISTEN, LET'S JUST KEEP THIS BETWEEN YOU AND ME, HUH? I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, THE COST OF FLYING A REAL AMAZON IN WHOA, WHOA, MR.
SLASH, YOU'RE SAYING WAY TOO MUCH.
I UNDERSTAND.
TAKE A CAB HOME, SID.
WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR SPEAR? I'M ONLY 5 FOOT 1 I GOT A PAIN IN MY NECK? I'M MOVING UP TO THE CITY WHAT THE HELL, WHAT THE HECK I STARE AT THE CONCRETE THE GIRDERS SKY HIGH THE STEEL'S ABOVE ME LOVE'S IN MY EYES LOVE'S IN MY EYES AND I'M DOING THE THINGS A 5 FOOT 1 MAN CAN DO A 5 FOOT 1 MAN CAN DO THIS MONEY'S GONNA TO GO WHERE IT'S NEEDED, ALL RIGHT- THE MARTY SLASH RETIREMENT FUND.
YEAH.
Man's voice: DON'T TOUCH THAT MONEY.
WHO'S THERE? THERE'S NO THERE THERE, MARTY.
JUST ME.
WHO'S "ME"? YOUR CONSCIENCE.
MY CONSCIENCE? I DON'T HAVE A CONSCIENCE.
OH, NO? THEN WHAT AM I, TALK RADIO? HA HA HA! OK, IT'S A JOKE.
COME OUT OF THE- NO.
I'M IN HERE.
IN YOUR HEAD.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU FOR 38 YEARS.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU FOR 38 YEARS.
BOY, YOU LET A KID GET AWAY WITH GLUING THE DOG'S EYES CLOSED, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S STEALING A MILLION DOLLARS OF CHARITY MONEY.
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
UH-HUH? WELL, STICK YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS, I'LL GIVE YOU MY HARRY JAMES IMPERSONATION.
DON'T STEAL THE MONEY DON'T STEAL THE MONEY UH! I'M TIRED.
I'M NERVOUS.
I'M A LITTLE JANGLED.
I'VE JUST NEVER HAD MY HANDS ON THIS MUCH MONEY BEFORE! HEH HEH HEH! MARTY, MORALITY ASIDE, THIS IS A FELONY.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT IS AN ABERRATION, JUST LIKE THE DOCTOR SAID IT WAS.
I KNOW YOU HAVE AMBITIONS, MARTY, BUT I DON'T THINK THEY INCLUDE BEING GANG RAPED BY THE ENTIRE ARYAN NATION'S WEIGHTLIFTING CLUB! I JUST THINK I'M HEARING WHAT I THINK I'M HEARING.
THINK.
THAT'S THE KEY WORD, MARTY.
TO GET AWAY WITH A CRIME LIKE THIS, YOU NEED BRAINS.
AND I GOTTA TELL YA, I'M IN HERE LOOKING AT YOURS, AND, WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.
HA HA HA HA.
WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT! YOU'RE THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY.
LIFE? WHAT LIFE? YOU MEAN BEING A GODDAMN GOFER FOR A BUNCH OF DROOLING MORONS JUST 'CAUSE THEY CAN PLAY "MARTY?" "MARTY, THESE GROUPIES ARE TOO UGLY, MARTY.
" "OH, MARTY!" "THIS CHICKEN ISN'T EXTRA CRISPY ENOUGH, MARTY.
" "MARTY, WE TOLD YOU WE DON'T LIKE RED ONES IN THE M&M BOWL, MARTY!" FOR 12 YEARS IT'S BEEN MARTY THIS AND MARTY THAT, AND I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.
THAT IS, UNTIL NOW.
HEY! WHERE'S SLASH? UH! Conscience: PUT THE MONEY DOWN, MARTY.
SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
I CAN JUST FEEL IT! SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.
OK, SO I WAS PREMATURE.
I KNOW YOU'VE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM FROM TIME TO TIME.
I- SHUT UP! GOT A GOOD STORY FOR THE COPS? LISTEN, YOU LOOKING FOR THE BAND- I'M NOT LOOKING FOR THE BAND.
I'M HERE TO SEE YOU, MARTY.
UM YOU ARE THE MAN WHO SAVED THE AMAZON, AREN'T YOU? YEAH.
BUT FRANKLY, I WASN'T EXPECTING THEM TO SEND ME ONE OF THEIR WOMEN.
NOBODY SENT ME, MARTY.
I THOUGHT "MARTY SLASH HAS DONE SO MUCH.
"THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN DO TO LIGHTEN HIS LOAD.
" WELL, COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING.
WELL, COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING.
OH, WHOA! Conscience: WHOA! THIS ONE'S TROUBLE, MARTY.
COME OVER HERE.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
COME OVER HERE.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
Conscience: COME ON, MARTY.
AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT SUSPICIOUS? THINK ABOUT IT! WHAT DOES A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LIKE HER WANT WITH AN UGLY LITTLE TOAD LIKE YOU? OH! SO YOU LIKE TO PLAY ROUGH.
OW.
Conscience: OW! LOOK, BABE, CAN WE JUST SKIP THE FOREPLAY AND GET RIGHT TO IT? I'D LIKE NOTHING BETTER, MARTY.
Conscience: HA HA HA.
SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE A VERY HIGH OPINION OF YOU, MARTY.
HEY, I HOPE THAT'S NOT FOR ME.
OH, NO.
IT'S FOR ME.
WELL, WHATEVER.
LOOK, BABE, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.
THERE'S JUST A SMALL MATTER TO NEGOTIATE.
OH, NO.
YOU'RE A HOOKER.
I'M NOT A HOOKER.
I'M A BANKER.
A BANKER? YOUR BANKER, MARTY.
YOUR PERSONAL BANKER.
NEXT IN LINE, PLEASE.
OH, GOOD MORNING, MR.
SLASH.
WILL YOU BE NEEDING A RECEIPT TODAY? WE HAVE A WONDERFUL RATE ON OUR 6 MONTH T-BILL.
MISS KIELBASA? YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT.
OH, WELL THEY DON'T EXACTLY ENCOURAGE US TO DRESS THIS WAY AT WORK.
YOU NEVER DID NOTICE ME, DID YOU, MARTY? BUT I NOTICED YOU.
I NOTICED HOW YOU WITHDREW ALL THE "SAVE THE AMAZON" MONEY TODAY- IN CASH.
Conscience: WELL, SHMUCK! CAN'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.
WON'T THOSE BLEEDING-HEARTS BE SURPRISED WHEN THAT CHECK FOR $1 MILLION BOUNCES TOMORROW MORNING? WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY TO, MARTY? NOWHERE.
LISBON, PORTUGAL.
GOOD CHOICE.
EXTRADITION'S DIFFICULT.
THE ESCUDO IS HOLDING UP WELL AGAINST THE DOLLAR.
OH, AND MARTY SPEAKING OF DOLLARS, WHERE'S THE MONEY? WOULDN'T BE HERE, WOULD IT? HA HA HA HA HA HA.
AH HA HA HA HA HA.
AHH ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT HALF.
HALF? ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? I'M THE ONE WHO STUCK MY NECK OUT.
I'M THE ONE WHO PLANNED THIS WHOLE DAMN THING! I'M THE ONE WHO LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.
I COULD HAVE BLOWN THE WHISTLE ON YOU AT THE BANK.
AND DON'T FORGET, MARTY.
I CAN STILL BLOW THE WHISTLE ON YOU NOW.
OH, THIS WHAT I GET FOR BEING AN ENTREPRENEUR, HUH? Conscience: TELL HER TO GO TO HELL, MARTY.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
MISS KIELBASA? Miss Kielbasa: YES? I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING HERE.
MM-HMM.
Conscience: THAT'S IT, MARTY.
TELL HER! YOU'RE A BANKER.
COUNT OUT YOUR HALF.
SMART BOY.
Conscience: DUMB ASS! WELL, $500,000 IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.
IT'S MORE THAN I EVER WOULD HAVE HAD IF I STAYED IN THIS LOUSY BUSINESS.
IF I STAYED IN THIS LOUSY BUSINESS.
NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE MEMORIES NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE MEMORIES LIKE THIS AX.
Conscience: OH, NO! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
DON'T DO IT, MARTY! NOT THAT! YOU KNOW WHO GAVE ME THIS GUITAR? NO.
WHO? PETE TOWNSEND! Conscience: SHE'S DEAD! UH! Conscience: OH, THIS IS GREAT.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIT HER IN THERE? WHAT'S THE MATTER, COULDN'T YOU FIND A SHOE BOX? UH! UH! Conscience: MARTY, STOP! PUT HER LEG DOWN, MAN! LISTEN TO ME! I WANT YOU TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THE POLICE.
Conscience: I THINK YOUR BEST SHOT IS A TEMPORARY INSANITY PLEA.
FROM WHERE I SIT, YOU DEFINITELY HAVE A CASE.
I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
I THINK WE JUST HIT ON THE PROBLEM.
YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME, NEVER HAVE.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP! OH! Both: AHH! OPEN IT.
AAH! AH, LOVE HURTS IT HURTS HE'S SINGING.
JESUS, MARTY, IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WERE KILLING SOMEBODY IN HERE.
HA HA HA.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WE'VE HAD 30 COMPLAINTS TONIGHT SO FAR FROM YOUR NEIGHBORS ABOUT THE NOISE.
The noise.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE NOISE.
NOW TURN THIS SHIT DOWN, OR I'M HAULING YOUR ASS OFF TO JAIL.
WHOA, OFFICER, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
HA HA HA.
REALLY- REALLY, I HAD NO IDEA THAT THINGS HAD GOTTEN THIS OUT OF HAND, OK? YOU SEE, I'VE JUST, UH Conscience: KILLED MY BANKER! I KILLED MY BANKER- I'VE KILLED MY HEARING WORKING IN THIS FUCKING PLACE.
AND THAT'S WHY I GOTTA WEAR THESE NOW.
DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
SPUD? SPUD! YEAH, IT'S MARTY.
LISTEN, SPUD, I'VE HAD SOME COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE NOISE.
WILL YOU TURN IT DOWN, PLEASE? ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU, OFFICER? JUST KEEP IT DOWN.
Conscience: OH, AH! PHOOEY! Conscience: OH, AH! PHOOEY! SORRY, OFFICER.
I, UH, I, UH I WAS AIMING FOR THE WASTEBASKET.
I WAS AIMING FOR THE WASTEBASKET.
I- I DON'T THINK I'LL BE NEEDING THESE THINGS ANYMORE NOW THAT WE'VE TURNED THE MUSIC DOWN.
Conscience: HE'S LOOKING AT THE DRUM CASE, MARTY.
HE KNOWS! Officer: PROPERTY OF DONNY OSMOND.
HIS TOUR MOVED ON TO FAIRBANKS, ALASKA OVER A MONTH AGO.
DON'T THINK DONNY WILL BE MISSING HIS DRUM KIT? YEAH, PROBABLY.
WELL, WHY DON'T WE GET IT OUT OF HERE? HUH? OH, YEAH.
TIME IS MONEY.
LET'S GO, MOVE IT OUT RIGHT NOW.
OK? HUP! HUP! HUB BUB! LET'S GO! QUICK! QUICK! MOVE! HERE WE GO.
GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
DONNY OSMOND.
NOW, HIM, I LIKE.
REMIND ME TO GET YOU AN AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE.
Conscience: HEY, WAIT.
DON'T LET HIM GO! GOD DAMN IT, MARTY, YOU BLEW YOUR CHANCE! CONFESS! OH! AAH! OW! OW! OW! OW! I'M GETTING MIGHTY SICK OF YOU.
Conscience: THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.
STOP THAT! OH! OH! HEY, DIDN'T YOU READ THAT LABEL? THAT STUFF'S LET'S PARTY! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Conscience: HEY! THE DOCTOR SAID A LITTLE SALVE.
GENTLY! GENTLY! UH! Conscience: YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE, MARTY.
I'M WAY DOWN DEEP INSIDE YOU! UH-OH.
YOU'RE OUT OF SWABS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA USE NOW, MARTY? AW, A NICE SHARP PENCIL.
GREAT IDEA.
JAM IT WAY DEEP INSIDE YOUR BRAIN JUST SO YOU CAN GET AT ME! HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA! YOU'RE RIGHT.
HERE I AM FUCKING WITH YOU, AND I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
ALL I GOTTA DO IS WALK DOWN THE STAIRS, RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR, AND GET INTO MY LIMO.
Conscience: YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT, MARTY! WHO'S GOING TO STOP ME? Conscience: I AM, MOTHERFUCKER! SINCE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CONFESS, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU.
WATCH THIS! HEY, MARTY.
Conscience: HI, BUTTER PANTS.
DID I HAPPEN TO MENTION THAT I KILLED MY BANKER UPSTAIRS? BOY, DID YOU SEE HER FACE? SHE HEARD ME, MARTY.
SHE DEFINITELY HEARD ME.
OH, JAILBAIT, DID YOU EVER SEE WHAT SOMEONE'S BRAINS LOOK LIKE SPLATTERED OVER A MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH? WELL, I HAVE! THEY HEAR ME, MARTY! NO, THEY DON'T.
Conscience: SURE ABOUT THAT, KILLER? OK.
WELL, LET'S JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE WALK BY HIM! WELL, LET'S JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE WALK BY HIM! DON'T WANT TO TRY IT, HUH? HEY.
WHY YOU WALKING SO FUNNY? DIDN'T BROWN OUT YOUR BERMUDAS, DID YOU? HA HA HA HA.
PHEW.
Conscience: HEY, MONKEY DICK.
I KILLED MY BANKER! WELL, ZIP UP YOUR PANTS AND GET THE COP! YOU HEAR THAT? YEAH, TELL THE COP I STUFFED THE BITCH IN DONNY OSMOND'S DRUM CASE! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, QUEENIE? NEVER MADE PEE PEE NEXT TO A PSYCHOPATH BEFORE? Conscience: STILL DON'T THINK THEY CAN HEAR ME, MARTY? NO! NO! NO! NO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
THIS THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE.
THIS CANNOT BE POSSIBLE.
Conscience: THEN WHY IS EVERYBODY LOOKING AT YOU, FUCKER? JUST OPEN THAT DOOR, AND I'LL TELL THEM ALL.
ATTENTION, SHOPPERS, WE GOT A MURDERER IN URINAL 3! YOU BE MY GUEST.
THE MUSIC'S SO LOUD, THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU.
Conscience: THEN I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER! OH! OH! OH! BABY, BABY Marty: THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO TURN THE MUSIC UP A LITTLE LOUDER.
Conscience: GO AHEAD, MARTY.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT! WE'LL SEE WHO CRACKS FIRST.
TURN IT UP, SPUD.
MARTY, YOU JUST TOLD ME TO TURN IT DOWN.
WELL NOW I'M TELLING YOU TURN IT UP! Conscience: DON'T TURN IT UP, SPUD! TURN ME IN TO THE COPS.
DID YOU HEAR ME, SPUD? WHY, THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH! WHY, THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH! Conscience: YOU PATHETIC LOSER! YOU'RE GONNA CONFESS! SAY WHAT? I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
I'VE GOT A JOB FOR A GUY CALLED MARTY SLASH I'VE GOT A JOB FOR A GUY CALLED MARTY SLASH HE PAID ME WITH A CHECK BUT NEVER NO CASH HE PAID ME WITH A CHECK BUT NEVER NO CASH AND A BUTTON IN MY POCKET, YOU KNOW WHAT? AND A BUTTON IN MY POCKET, YOU KNOW WHAT? COME AGAIN? Conscience: TELL THEM YOU KILLED HER! BEG YOUR PARDON? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! ALTHOUGH Conscience: CONFESS! I'M ONLY Conscience: CONFESS! I'M ONLY Conscience: CONFESS! I'M ONLY Conscience: SAY IT! SAY IT! GOTTA SAY IT! GOTTA SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT! I KILLED MY BANKER! I KILLED MY BANKER! THEY HEARD ME THAT TIME, MARTY.
THEY KNOW YOU DID IT.
THEY KNOW YOU DID IT.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR? Man: WHAT'S GOING ON, IGGY? I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL MY BANKER.
WHOA, DUDE.
CHECK IT OUT.
ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS STEAL THE AMAZON MONEY.
IT'S OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.
IT'S RIGHT HERE! SHE TRIED TO GET HALF OF IT.
I COULDN'T LET HER DO THAT.
I HAD TO SMASH HER IN THE HEAD WITH MY GUITAR.
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT, CAN'T YOU? Conscience: GOOD, MARTY.
THAT WAS A LOVELY CONFESSION.
DOESN'T IT FEEL BETTER TO GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST? HEY! WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EAR? HEY! WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EAR? OH! UH! OH! EASY! HA! UGH! Conscience: HEY, MARTY, SOMETHING JUST OCCURRED TO ME.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING AT ALL THE TIME, AND THEY COULD NEVER REALLY HEAR ME? OH, MARTY.
THAT WOULD MEAN THAT IF YOU HAD JUST KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT, YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT AFTER ALL.
Conscience: A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND A HINDU, THEY'RE IN THIS CANOE, SEE, AND, UH, THERE'S ONLY ENOUGH FOOD FOR 2 OF THEM.
STOP ME IF I'VE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE, MARTY, OK? MARTY? OH, COME ON, MARTY.
IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS.
YOU STILL CAN'T BE MAD AT ME.
IS THIS ANY WAY TO SPEND OUR LAST MOMENTS TOGETHER? IS THIS OUR MAN? THAT'S HIM.
Conscience: HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SING SOME BROADWAY SHOW TUNES? HEY, SLASH, AIN'T YOU GOING TO EAT YOUR LAST MEAL? HEY! DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH.
HE'S DEAFER THAN A DOORNAIL.
Conscience: OH, I KNOW.
IN THE LAST REMAINING MOMENTS, LET'S GO OVER THOSE 10 COMMANDMENTS A FEW MORE TIMES.
LET'S SEE.
YOU WANT TO GO FIRST, OR SHALL I? ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
THOU SHALL NOT KILL.
THOU SHALL NOT STEAL.
BOY, YOU DONE ALL OF THESE, HAVEN'T YOU, MARTY? HUH? HUH? IS IT TIME? IS IT TIME YET? IS IT TIME? Conscience: WHAT'S THE HURRY, MARTY? AH HA HA HA HA! WELL, HEAD BANGERS, WASN'T THAT ONE A REAL SMASH? I KNOW IT WAS FOR MISS KIELBASA.
HA HA HA HA HA! AS FOR MARTY, HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THAT NOISE IN HIS HEAD.
HE PROBABLY WISHED HE WAS DEAF, BUT HE GOT DEATH INSTEAD.
WELL, TILL NEXT TIME, FRIGHT FANS, EAR'S LOOKING AT YOU.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY GUITAR, BUT I COULD NEVER QUITE MASTER THE FINGERING.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
SO I WON'T BE A ROCK STAR.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BEING A SHOCK STAR.
MY GROUPIES.
TONIGHT'S LITTLE RIFF IS RIFE WITH SEX, DEATH AND ROCK 'N' ROLL.
NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
HA HA HA HA HA HA! YOU'LL MEET A PUTREFIED PROMOTER OF POP WITH AN EAR FOR A HIT.
I DON'T WANT TO KILL IT FOR YOU.
LET'S JUST SAY WE COME INTO THE STORY JUST WHEN HIS CAREER IS GETTING REAL HOT.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Man: PLEASE! PLEASE! HURRY UP! LET'S DO IT! HA HA HA! HUH! HA HA HA! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GUY IN SUCH A HURRY TO DIE? HA HA HA! HEE HA! HO HA HA HA HA! HAH! WHAT? OH, YEAH.
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU? WELL, YOU KEEP IT UP, BIG MOUTH.
YOU'LL GET YOURS.
WHOO! DO YA, HUH? I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR BRAINS, FRIED OR OVER EASY? HA HA HA! WHO'S HE TALKING TO? COME ON! LET'S GO, GOD DAMN IT! LET'S HURRY IT UP! PULL THE SWITCH! SHOOT ME THE JUICE! FRY ME! UH! UH! THERE.
THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS AGAIN.
THERE.
THAT'S IT.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HEARING THIS, MR.
SLASH? I- WELL- I DON'T KNOW.
A COUPLE OF WEEKS, BUT LATELY IT'S BEEN GETTING A LOT LOUDER.
WOULD YOU DESCRIBE WHAT YOU HEAR AS A RINGING? NO, IT'S NOT A RINGING.
BUZZING, THEN? NO, IT'S NOT A BUZZING! WELL, THEN, WHAT IS IT? IT'S LIKE WHOA WHOA WHOA OH.
WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA! LOOK, YOU'RE THE GODDAMN EAR SPECIALIST.
YOU TELL ME WHAT'S IN THERE.
THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE, MR.
SLASH.
I CAN HEAR SOMETHING IN THERE.
WHAT YOU THINK YOU HEAR IS AN ABERRATION.
AN ABERRATION CAUSED BY REPEATED EXPOSURE TO HIGH DECIBELS.
YOU'VE DONE SEVERE DAMAGE TO YOUR EARS, MR.
SLASH.
IN THE SHORT TERM, EAR PLUGS ALWAYS IN THE WORK PLACE, EAR DROPS EACH NIGHT, EACH EAR, 2 DROPS.
PUT A LITTLE SALVE ON THE COTTON SWAB, THEN GENTLY COAX IT INTO THE EAR.
WHAT, THIS IS ALL I GET FOR A FUCKIN' $200 VISIT? THAT AND SOME ADVICE.
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WHAT LITTLE HEARING YOU HAVE LEFT, GET OUT OF THE ROCK AND ROLL BUSINESS.
WOULD TONIGHT BE SOON ENOUGH, DOC? GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE GIVE IT UP TURN THE BOY LOOSE ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY, SHUT THE FUCK UP! YEAH.
THERE'S ONE FUCKER HERE WE HAVE TO FUCKIN' THANK FOR PUTTING THIS WHOLE FUCKIN' THING TOGETHER.
IT WAS HIS FUCKIN' IDEA.
WE OUGHTA THANK HIM FOR THE FUCKING AIR WE'RE FUCKIN'- BREATHING RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, THERE'S THE FUCKIN' TREES THAT MAKE THE FUCKING AIR.
SO LET'S SHOW HIM HOW MUCH WE FUCKING LOVE HIM! MARTY SLASH! HOW ARE YOU, MARTY? HOW ARE YOU, MARTY? THANK YOU VERY MUCH, IGGY POP AND LEATHER WEAZL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THOSE KIND AND MOVING WORDS.
I'M TOUCHED AND HUMBLED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IGGY I THINK THE CREDIT REALLY BELONGS TO ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE HELPED MAKE MY DREAM A REALITY! CHIEF KABUBI.
Audience: CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF KABUBI, PLEASE TELL YOUR BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL AMAZONIAN PEOPLE THAT WE HAVE PUT $1 MILLION INTO THE BANK FROM THESE BENEFIT CONCERTS.
AND I ASSURE YOU THAT THIS MONEY WILL GO WHERE IT'S NEEDED MOST.
ROCK ON! ALL RIGHT! WE DO IT, AND I GET WITH IT, DOING MY THING LIKE A SEX MACHINE! MOVING! GROOVING! OWW! WAS I OK, MR.
SLASH? YOU WERE- YOU WERE GREAT, SID.
YOU WERE GREAT.
LISTEN, LET'S JUST KEEP THIS BETWEEN YOU AND ME, HUH? I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, THE COST OF FLYING A REAL AMAZON IN WHOA, WHOA, MR.
SLASH, YOU'RE SAYING WAY TOO MUCH.
I UNDERSTAND.
TAKE A CAB HOME, SID.
WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR SPEAR? I'M ONLY 5 FOOT 1 I GOT A PAIN IN MY NECK? I'M MOVING UP TO THE CITY WHAT THE HELL, WHAT THE HECK I STARE AT THE CONCRETE THE GIRDERS SKY HIGH THE STEEL'S ABOVE ME LOVE'S IN MY EYES LOVE'S IN MY EYES AND I'M DOING THE THINGS A 5 FOOT 1 MAN CAN DO A 5 FOOT 1 MAN CAN DO THIS MONEY'S GONNA TO GO WHERE IT'S NEEDED, ALL RIGHT- THE MARTY SLASH RETIREMENT FUND.
YEAH.
Man's voice: DON'T TOUCH THAT MONEY.
WHO'S THERE? THERE'S NO THERE THERE, MARTY.
JUST ME.
WHO'S "ME"? YOUR CONSCIENCE.
MY CONSCIENCE? I DON'T HAVE A CONSCIENCE.
OH, NO? THEN WHAT AM I, TALK RADIO? HA HA HA! OK, IT'S A JOKE.
COME OUT OF THE- NO.
I'M IN HERE.
IN YOUR HEAD.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU FOR 38 YEARS.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU FOR 38 YEARS.
BOY, YOU LET A KID GET AWAY WITH GLUING THE DOG'S EYES CLOSED, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S STEALING A MILLION DOLLARS OF CHARITY MONEY.
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
UH-HUH? WELL, STICK YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS, I'LL GIVE YOU MY HARRY JAMES IMPERSONATION.
DON'T STEAL THE MONEY DON'T STEAL THE MONEY UH! I'M TIRED.
I'M NERVOUS.
I'M A LITTLE JANGLED.
I'VE JUST NEVER HAD MY HANDS ON THIS MUCH MONEY BEFORE! HEH HEH HEH! MARTY, MORALITY ASIDE, THIS IS A FELONY.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT IS AN ABERRATION, JUST LIKE THE DOCTOR SAID IT WAS.
I KNOW YOU HAVE AMBITIONS, MARTY, BUT I DON'T THINK THEY INCLUDE BEING GANG RAPED BY THE ENTIRE ARYAN NATION'S WEIGHTLIFTING CLUB! I JUST THINK I'M HEARING WHAT I THINK I'M HEARING.
THINK.
THAT'S THE KEY WORD, MARTY.
TO GET AWAY WITH A CRIME LIKE THIS, YOU NEED BRAINS.
AND I GOTTA TELL YA, I'M IN HERE LOOKING AT YOURS, AND, WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.
HA HA HA HA.
WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT! YOU'RE THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY.
LIFE? WHAT LIFE? YOU MEAN BEING A GODDAMN GOFER FOR A BUNCH OF DROOLING MORONS JUST 'CAUSE THEY CAN PLAY "MARTY?" "MARTY, THESE GROUPIES ARE TOO UGLY, MARTY.
" "OH, MARTY!" "THIS CHICKEN ISN'T EXTRA CRISPY ENOUGH, MARTY.
" "MARTY, WE TOLD YOU WE DON'T LIKE RED ONES IN THE M&M BOWL, MARTY!" FOR 12 YEARS IT'S BEEN MARTY THIS AND MARTY THAT, AND I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.
THAT IS, UNTIL NOW.
HEY! WHERE'S SLASH? UH! Conscience: PUT THE MONEY DOWN, MARTY.
SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
I CAN JUST FEEL IT! SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.
OK, SO I WAS PREMATURE.
I KNOW YOU'VE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM FROM TIME TO TIME.
I- SHUT UP! GOT A GOOD STORY FOR THE COPS? LISTEN, YOU LOOKING FOR THE BAND- I'M NOT LOOKING FOR THE BAND.
I'M HERE TO SEE YOU, MARTY.
UM YOU ARE THE MAN WHO SAVED THE AMAZON, AREN'T YOU? YEAH.
BUT FRANKLY, I WASN'T EXPECTING THEM TO SEND ME ONE OF THEIR WOMEN.
NOBODY SENT ME, MARTY.
I THOUGHT "MARTY SLASH HAS DONE SO MUCH.
"THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN DO TO LIGHTEN HIS LOAD.
" WELL, COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING.
WELL, COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING.
OH, WHOA! Conscience: WHOA! THIS ONE'S TROUBLE, MARTY.
COME OVER HERE.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
COME OVER HERE.
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
Conscience: COME ON, MARTY.
AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT SUSPICIOUS? THINK ABOUT IT! WHAT DOES A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LIKE HER WANT WITH AN UGLY LITTLE TOAD LIKE YOU? OH! SO YOU LIKE TO PLAY ROUGH.
OW.
Conscience: OW! LOOK, BABE, CAN WE JUST SKIP THE FOREPLAY AND GET RIGHT TO IT? I'D LIKE NOTHING BETTER, MARTY.
Conscience: HA HA HA.
SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE A VERY HIGH OPINION OF YOU, MARTY.
HEY, I HOPE THAT'S NOT FOR ME.
OH, NO.
IT'S FOR ME.
WELL, WHATEVER.
LOOK, BABE, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.
THERE'S JUST A SMALL MATTER TO NEGOTIATE.
OH, NO.
YOU'RE A HOOKER.
I'M NOT A HOOKER.
I'M A BANKER.
A BANKER? YOUR BANKER, MARTY.
YOUR PERSONAL BANKER.
NEXT IN LINE, PLEASE.
OH, GOOD MORNING, MR.
SLASH.
WILL YOU BE NEEDING A RECEIPT TODAY? WE HAVE A WONDERFUL RATE ON OUR 6 MONTH T-BILL.
MISS KIELBASA? YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT.
OH, WELL THEY DON'T EXACTLY ENCOURAGE US TO DRESS THIS WAY AT WORK.
YOU NEVER DID NOTICE ME, DID YOU, MARTY? BUT I NOTICED YOU.
I NOTICED HOW YOU WITHDREW ALL THE "SAVE THE AMAZON" MONEY TODAY- IN CASH.
Conscience: WELL, SHMUCK! CAN'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.
WON'T THOSE BLEEDING-HEARTS BE SURPRISED WHEN THAT CHECK FOR $1 MILLION BOUNCES TOMORROW MORNING? WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY TO, MARTY? NOWHERE.
LISBON, PORTUGAL.
GOOD CHOICE.
EXTRADITION'S DIFFICULT.
THE ESCUDO IS HOLDING UP WELL AGAINST THE DOLLAR.
OH, AND MARTY SPEAKING OF DOLLARS, WHERE'S THE MONEY? WOULDN'T BE HERE, WOULD IT? HA HA HA HA HA HA.
AH HA HA HA HA HA.
AHH ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT HALF.
HALF? ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS? I'M THE ONE WHO STUCK MY NECK OUT.
I'M THE ONE WHO PLANNED THIS WHOLE DAMN THING! I'M THE ONE WHO LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.
I COULD HAVE BLOWN THE WHISTLE ON YOU AT THE BANK.
AND DON'T FORGET, MARTY.
I CAN STILL BLOW THE WHISTLE ON YOU NOW.
OH, THIS WHAT I GET FOR BEING AN ENTREPRENEUR, HUH? Conscience: TELL HER TO GO TO HELL, MARTY.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
MISS KIELBASA? Miss Kielbasa: YES? I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING HERE.
MM-HMM.
Conscience: THAT'S IT, MARTY.
TELL HER! YOU'RE A BANKER.
COUNT OUT YOUR HALF.
SMART BOY.
Conscience: DUMB ASS! WELL, $500,000 IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.
IT'S MORE THAN I EVER WOULD HAVE HAD IF I STAYED IN THIS LOUSY BUSINESS.
IF I STAYED IN THIS LOUSY BUSINESS.
NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE MEMORIES NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE MEMORIES LIKE THIS AX.
Conscience: OH, NO! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
DON'T DO IT, MARTY! NOT THAT! YOU KNOW WHO GAVE ME THIS GUITAR? NO.
WHO? PETE TOWNSEND! Conscience: SHE'S DEAD! UH! Conscience: OH, THIS IS GREAT.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIT HER IN THERE? WHAT'S THE MATTER, COULDN'T YOU FIND A SHOE BOX? UH! UH! Conscience: MARTY, STOP! PUT HER LEG DOWN, MAN! LISTEN TO ME! I WANT YOU TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THE POLICE.
Conscience: I THINK YOUR BEST SHOT IS A TEMPORARY INSANITY PLEA.
FROM WHERE I SIT, YOU DEFINITELY HAVE A CASE.
I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
I THINK WE JUST HIT ON THE PROBLEM.
YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME, NEVER HAVE.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP! OH! Both: AHH! OPEN IT.
AAH! AH, LOVE HURTS IT HURTS HE'S SINGING.
JESUS, MARTY, IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WERE KILLING SOMEBODY IN HERE.
HA HA HA.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WE'VE HAD 30 COMPLAINTS TONIGHT SO FAR FROM YOUR NEIGHBORS ABOUT THE NOISE.
The noise.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE NOISE.
NOW TURN THIS SHIT DOWN, OR I'M HAULING YOUR ASS OFF TO JAIL.
WHOA, OFFICER, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
HA HA HA.
REALLY- REALLY, I HAD NO IDEA THAT THINGS HAD GOTTEN THIS OUT OF HAND, OK? YOU SEE, I'VE JUST, UH Conscience: KILLED MY BANKER! I KILLED MY BANKER- I'VE KILLED MY HEARING WORKING IN THIS FUCKING PLACE.
AND THAT'S WHY I GOTTA WEAR THESE NOW.
DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
SPUD? SPUD! YEAH, IT'S MARTY.
LISTEN, SPUD, I'VE HAD SOME COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE NOISE.
WILL YOU TURN IT DOWN, PLEASE? ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU, OFFICER? JUST KEEP IT DOWN.
Conscience: OH, AH! PHOOEY! Conscience: OH, AH! PHOOEY! SORRY, OFFICER.
I, UH, I, UH I WAS AIMING FOR THE WASTEBASKET.
I WAS AIMING FOR THE WASTEBASKET.
I- I DON'T THINK I'LL BE NEEDING THESE THINGS ANYMORE NOW THAT WE'VE TURNED THE MUSIC DOWN.
Conscience: HE'S LOOKING AT THE DRUM CASE, MARTY.
HE KNOWS! Officer: PROPERTY OF DONNY OSMOND.
HIS TOUR MOVED ON TO FAIRBANKS, ALASKA OVER A MONTH AGO.
DON'T THINK DONNY WILL BE MISSING HIS DRUM KIT? YEAH, PROBABLY.
WELL, WHY DON'T WE GET IT OUT OF HERE? HUH? OH, YEAH.
TIME IS MONEY.
LET'S GO, MOVE IT OUT RIGHT NOW.
OK? HUP! HUP! HUB BUB! LET'S GO! QUICK! QUICK! MOVE! HERE WE GO.
GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
DONNY OSMOND.
NOW, HIM, I LIKE.
REMIND ME TO GET YOU AN AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE.
Conscience: HEY, WAIT.
DON'T LET HIM GO! GOD DAMN IT, MARTY, YOU BLEW YOUR CHANCE! CONFESS! OH! AAH! OW! OW! OW! OW! I'M GETTING MIGHTY SICK OF YOU.
Conscience: THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.
STOP THAT! OH! OH! HEY, DIDN'T YOU READ THAT LABEL? THAT STUFF'S LET'S PARTY! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! Conscience: HEY! THE DOCTOR SAID A LITTLE SALVE.
GENTLY! GENTLY! UH! Conscience: YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE, MARTY.
I'M WAY DOWN DEEP INSIDE YOU! UH-OH.
YOU'RE OUT OF SWABS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA USE NOW, MARTY? AW, A NICE SHARP PENCIL.
GREAT IDEA.
JAM IT WAY DEEP INSIDE YOUR BRAIN JUST SO YOU CAN GET AT ME! HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA! YOU'RE RIGHT.
HERE I AM FUCKING WITH YOU, AND I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
ALL I GOTTA DO IS WALK DOWN THE STAIRS, RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR, AND GET INTO MY LIMO.
Conscience: YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT, MARTY! WHO'S GOING TO STOP ME? Conscience: I AM, MOTHERFUCKER! SINCE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CONFESS, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU.
WATCH THIS! HEY, MARTY.
Conscience: HI, BUTTER PANTS.
DID I HAPPEN TO MENTION THAT I KILLED MY BANKER UPSTAIRS? BOY, DID YOU SEE HER FACE? SHE HEARD ME, MARTY.
SHE DEFINITELY HEARD ME.
OH, JAILBAIT, DID YOU EVER SEE WHAT SOMEONE'S BRAINS LOOK LIKE SPLATTERED OVER A MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH? WELL, I HAVE! THEY HEAR ME, MARTY! NO, THEY DON'T.
Conscience: SURE ABOUT THAT, KILLER? OK.
WELL, LET'S JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE WALK BY HIM! WELL, LET'S JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE WALK BY HIM! DON'T WANT TO TRY IT, HUH? HEY.
WHY YOU WALKING SO FUNNY? DIDN'T BROWN OUT YOUR BERMUDAS, DID YOU? HA HA HA HA.
PHEW.
Conscience: HEY, MONKEY DICK.
I KILLED MY BANKER! WELL, ZIP UP YOUR PANTS AND GET THE COP! YOU HEAR THAT? YEAH, TELL THE COP I STUFFED THE BITCH IN DONNY OSMOND'S DRUM CASE! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, QUEENIE? NEVER MADE PEE PEE NEXT TO A PSYCHOPATH BEFORE? Conscience: STILL DON'T THINK THEY CAN HEAR ME, MARTY? NO! NO! NO! NO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
THIS THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE.
THIS CANNOT BE POSSIBLE.
Conscience: THEN WHY IS EVERYBODY LOOKING AT YOU, FUCKER? JUST OPEN THAT DOOR, AND I'LL TELL THEM ALL.
ATTENTION, SHOPPERS, WE GOT A MURDERER IN URINAL 3! YOU BE MY GUEST.
THE MUSIC'S SO LOUD, THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU.
Conscience: THEN I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER! OH! OH! OH! BABY, BABY Marty: THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO TURN THE MUSIC UP A LITTLE LOUDER.
Conscience: GO AHEAD, MARTY.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT! WE'LL SEE WHO CRACKS FIRST.
TURN IT UP, SPUD.
MARTY, YOU JUST TOLD ME TO TURN IT DOWN.
WELL NOW I'M TELLING YOU TURN IT UP! Conscience: DON'T TURN IT UP, SPUD! TURN ME IN TO THE COPS.
DID YOU HEAR ME, SPUD? WHY, THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH! WHY, THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH! Conscience: YOU PATHETIC LOSER! YOU'RE GONNA CONFESS! SAY WHAT? I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
I'VE GOT A JOB FOR A GUY CALLED MARTY SLASH I'VE GOT A JOB FOR A GUY CALLED MARTY SLASH HE PAID ME WITH A CHECK BUT NEVER NO CASH HE PAID ME WITH A CHECK BUT NEVER NO CASH AND A BUTTON IN MY POCKET, YOU KNOW WHAT? AND A BUTTON IN MY POCKET, YOU KNOW WHAT? COME AGAIN? Conscience: TELL THEM YOU KILLED HER! BEG YOUR PARDON? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! ALTHOUGH Conscience: CONFESS! I'M ONLY Conscience: CONFESS! I'M ONLY Conscience: CONFESS! I'M ONLY Conscience: SAY IT! SAY IT! GOTTA SAY IT! GOTTA SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT! I KILLED MY BANKER! I KILLED MY BANKER! THEY HEARD ME THAT TIME, MARTY.
THEY KNOW YOU DID IT.
THEY KNOW YOU DID IT.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR? Man: WHAT'S GOING ON, IGGY? I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL MY BANKER.
WHOA, DUDE.
CHECK IT OUT.
ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS STEAL THE AMAZON MONEY.
IT'S OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.
IT'S RIGHT HERE! SHE TRIED TO GET HALF OF IT.
I COULDN'T LET HER DO THAT.
I HAD TO SMASH HER IN THE HEAD WITH MY GUITAR.
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT, CAN'T YOU? Conscience: GOOD, MARTY.
THAT WAS A LOVELY CONFESSION.
DOESN'T IT FEEL BETTER TO GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST? HEY! WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EAR? HEY! WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EAR? OH! UH! OH! EASY! HA! UGH! Conscience: HEY, MARTY, SOMETHING JUST OCCURRED TO ME.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING AT ALL THE TIME, AND THEY COULD NEVER REALLY HEAR ME? OH, MARTY.
THAT WOULD MEAN THAT IF YOU HAD JUST KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT, YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT AFTER ALL.
Conscience: A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND A HINDU, THEY'RE IN THIS CANOE, SEE, AND, UH, THERE'S ONLY ENOUGH FOOD FOR 2 OF THEM.
STOP ME IF I'VE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE, MARTY, OK? MARTY? OH, COME ON, MARTY.
IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS.
YOU STILL CAN'T BE MAD AT ME.
IS THIS ANY WAY TO SPEND OUR LAST MOMENTS TOGETHER? IS THIS OUR MAN? THAT'S HIM.
Conscience: HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SING SOME BROADWAY SHOW TUNES? HEY, SLASH, AIN'T YOU GOING TO EAT YOUR LAST MEAL? HEY! DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH.
HE'S DEAFER THAN A DOORNAIL.
Conscience: OH, I KNOW.
IN THE LAST REMAINING MOMENTS, LET'S GO OVER THOSE 10 COMMANDMENTS A FEW MORE TIMES.
LET'S SEE.
YOU WANT TO GO FIRST, OR SHALL I? ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.
THOU SHALL NOT KILL.
THOU SHALL NOT STEAL.
BOY, YOU DONE ALL OF THESE, HAVEN'T YOU, MARTY? HUH? HUH? IS IT TIME? IS IT TIME YET? IS IT TIME? Conscience: WHAT'S THE HURRY, MARTY? AH HA HA HA HA! WELL, HEAD BANGERS, WASN'T THAT ONE A REAL SMASH? I KNOW IT WAS FOR MISS KIELBASA.
HA HA HA HA HA! AS FOR MARTY, HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THAT NOISE IN HIS HEAD.
HE PROBABLY WISHED HE WAS DEAF, BUT HE GOT DEATH INSTEAD.
WELL, TILL NEXT TIME, FRIGHT FANS, EAR'S LOOKING AT YOU.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!