TallBoyz (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Mind the mints

1 TIM: Can't we just wait at least until he graduates and moves out of the house? VANCE: We have to tell him he's adopted.
TIM: Do we really? He's so young.
VANCE: We have to tell him.
TIM: I think I'm gonna be sick.
VANCE: Dale? Can you come down here for a sec? [SOUND OF SKITTERING PAWS.]
VANCE: Dale Oh, God, there's no easy way to tell you this.
[DALE WHINES.]
VANCE: Dale, you're adopted.
[DALE BARKS.]
- - TIM: It's true.
We should have told you a long time ago.
We got you from a shelter.
[DALE WHINES AND BARKS.]
VANCE: There's something else we forgot to tell him.
Dale, you're a dog.
[DALE BARKS.]
- - VANCE: Dale, this doesn't change anything.
- We love you.
- [DOG WHIMPERS.]
TIM: Of course you're a good boy! You're our good boy! [DALE WHINES AND BARKS.]
[BARKING CONTINUES.]
[SLAMMING SOUND.]
[BARKING CONTINUES.]
VANCE: We should have never taught him how to slam a door.
VANCE: [CHUCKLES.]
The director said, "Buddy, you nailed that audition.
" TIM: Oh, to makin' it happen! ALL: To makin' it happen! TIM: What was that audition for again? VANCE: That new Brad Pitt movie, Fight Club 2.
FRANCO: The Final Fight? I went out for that! TIM: Yeah, me too! - VANCE: Well, I hope you guys get it.
- TIM: I hope you both get it.
FRANCO: I hope you guys both get it, and I don't get it! [ALL LAUGH.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- VANCE: Oh! - Wish me luck! - FRANCO & TIM: Good luck! - VANCE: Yello? - DR.
YOUNG: Vance, it's Dr.
Young.
I've got your test results.
I'm afraid the news isn't great.
It's cancer.
- The least great news of all.
- VANCE: Oh my God.
DR.
YOUNG: This is never an easy call to make.
Also, I'm not getting great reception, so I'm gonna jump off.
VANCE: W w wait! TIM: What's up? VANCE: I - I have cancer.
- FRANCO: Oh my God, Vance, I'm so sorry.
TIM: Jesus! I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now.
[PHONE RINGING.]
FRANCO: Don't answer that, man.
Not now.
TIM: It could be my agent.
TIM: Yello? DR.
YOUNG: It's cancer you've got, Dr.
Young.
TIM: I I what? DR.
YOUNG: Sorry.
About to go into surg.
I got a lot on my mind.
You've got cancer.
I'm Dr.
Young.
- TIM: Oh my God! - DR.
YOUNG: Anyway, gotta bolt.
That heart's not gonna bypass itself.
[CHUCKLES.]
TIM: I have cancer too.
FRANCO: This sucks.
For all of us.
TIM: Yeah, but mostly for us.
FRANCO: No, I know.
It's just we've done everything together.
Grade school, high school, Jon Lovitz School of Acting, where he taught us how to feign surprise.
[ALL GASP.]
[ALL SIGH.]
FRANCO: I just feel a bit left out.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- FRANCO: I mean - how can I be a part of this? - [PHONE BUZZING CONTINUES.]
VANCE: Maybe you should answer your phone.
FRANCO: It's probably nothing.
TIM: Answer it.
[PHONE BUZZING CONTINUES.]
VANCE: Answer your goddamn phone.
- FRANCO: Yello? - VOICE: It's cancer.
Your horoscope sign's cancer, right? Whatever it is, the stars are aligning, 'cause you just booked Fight Club 2, the Final Fight! You 'da man, man! Cha-cha! FRANCO: I got the part.
TIM: This is bullshit! VANCE: Looks like we all got something we didn't deserve today.
FRANCO: Whoa, what's that supposed to mean? [PHONE RINGING.]
VANCE: Dr.
Young? TIM: You're a terrible actor, you know that? FRANCO: Shut up.
- VANCE: Hello? - DR.
YOUNG: Vance, Dr.
Young.
I misread the results.
- Your cancer's benign.
- VANCE: Really? DR.
YOUNG: Yeah, sorry about that.
Today's been crazy.
Turns out a heart can bypass itself.
Anyway, I'm gonna need a sample.
VANCE: Of blood? DR.
YOUNG: Hm? No, just talking to myself.
I need a sample for a new beat I'm working on.
It's gonna be fi-yah! VANCE: Guys I beat cancer! FRANCO: What? How? VANCE: Just healthy living, a healthy diet, and of course, not having cancer.
TIM: Wait, so I'm the only one who has cancer now.
Well, this sucks.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- FRANCO: Hello? DR.
YOUNG: Franco, is your horoscope cancer? Because you have cancer.
Also, it's Dr.
Young.
Bye.
FRANCO: Shit.
- I got cancer too.
- TIM: Yes! - Friends to the end! - FRANCO: Get off of me! [PHONE RINGING.]
- TIM: Hello? - DR.
YOUNG: Tim, it's benign.
TIM: My cancer? DR.
YOUNG: No, my beat.
Reviews are in.
They're calling it "benign," "tepid," "lifeless," you name it.
Maybe I'll put some horns in there.
Oh, and tell Vance there was a mix-up and he still has cancer too.
FRANCO: Hey, at least we're in this together.
Right, guys? To makin' it happen? ALL: To makin' it happen.
REPORTER: The three friends underwent 12 weeks of chemotherapy, only to discover they never had cancer.
Dr.
Young lost his licence, and now peddles his mixtapes outside of the subway.
For the CBC, I'm a black reporter.
TELLER: Hi, sir.
How can I help you today? CUSTOMER: Uh, I'd like to increase my withdrawal limit to $300.
TELLER: Absolutely.
Not a problem.
[BEEPING SOUNDS.]
TELLER: Okay And can I get your name and date of birth? CUSTOMER: Chris Howrie, December 5th, 1982.
TELLER: Great.
And your password? CHRIS: Oh Yeah, I forgot that.
TELLER: Okay.
I'll just have to ask you a few security questions to reset it.
- CHRIS: Please, go ahead.
- TELLER: Okay.
What is the name of your first pet? - CHRIS: Bobo.
- TELLER: Excellent.
And what's the name of your first girlfriend? CHRIS: Oh Um, Hannah? TELLER: Correct.
And where did you first meet Hannah? CHRIS: Um That feels a little personal.
TELLER: Well, these were the security questions you customized.
CHRIS: Right.
I think it was a party? TELLER: That's not what I have here.
CHRIS: Oh, it was at the church dance back in Edmonton.
TELLER: Correct! And where did you go after? CHRIS: We ran to McDonner Parking, and kissed under an apple tree.
God, I wish that night could have lasted forever.
TELLER: Then why'd you leave? CHRIS: Sorry, what? TELLER: The next security question is, "Then, why'd you leave?" CHRIS: Really? I wanted you to ask me that? TELLER: Yeah, I guess this meant a lot to you in 2008.
CHRIS: I honestly don't know.
TELLER: Come on, Chris.
Yes, you do.
CHRIS: I honestly don't want to say it out loud.
TELLER: Tell me! CHRIS: My dad wanted me to work in the mines.
But I wanted a different life.
So I left.
TELLER: You could have said goodbye.
CHRIS: I tried! I wrote you a letter! TELLER: A letter? I was pregnant! CHRIS: I didn't know you were pregnant! TELLER: That's bullshit, Chris.
You found out I was pregnant, and you knew it was yours, so you ran.
Just like your dad! You're nothing but a coward! CHRIS: I'm not running anymore.
I'm staying.
Goddammit, I'm staying! TELLER: It's too late, Chris.
- CHRIS: Hannah! - TELLER: I'm married.
- I'm with someone else now.
- CHRIS: Hannah! Hannah! I never should have left you.
TELLER: And that's the password.
CHRIS: Wait, what? TELLER: Yup, that's the old password.
What would you like your new password to be? CHRIS: Uh "Hannah, I never should have left you 2019.
" [SOUND OF PLANE OVERHEARD.]
ANNOUNCEMENT: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the turbulence.
The captain has now turned off the seatbelt sign.
TIM: Oh, I didn't realize someone was in here.
MAN: Uh, please, sir, come in.
I'm just the bathroom attendant.
TIM: An airplane bathroom attendant? ATTENDANT: May I interest you in some soap? TIM: I haven't gone yet.
ATTENDANT: Ah, save the best for last.
Like your style.
TIM: Well, I'm I'm just gonna - Excuse me.
- ATTENDANT: Oh, yes, of course! - Mind the mints.
- TIM: Sorry, pardon me.
ATTENDANT: Mind the mints! I've got mints here TIM: Ouch, okay, yeah, I'm just trying to get by.
ATTENDANT: so if you wouldn't mind minding them, okay? - Okay.
- [MINTS RATTLE.]
ATTENDANT: Cripes! I said, "Mind the mints.
" TIM: I'm sorry ? ATTENDANT: My apologies, sir.
At your leisure.
TIM: Oh, I I can't go with you, uh ATTENDANT: Ah! Yes.
Let me give you some privacy.
Okay, it's all you.
[FLY UNZIPS.]
- [SOUND OF URINE.]
- TIM: Ah-ah ATTENDANT: [INAUDIBLE.]
Okay, mind the Remain calm! Nearly fouled my trousers.
Is sir ready for his wipe? TIM: No, it was it was just a number one.
I I don't need a wipe.
ATTENDANT: Would sir mind if I were to wipe myself? When I said "nearly fouled my trousers," I was being polite.
TIM: Oh, you know what? This is the place for it to happen ATTENDANT: Morning mints must have went right through me.
TIM: so there's really nothing to be ashamed of.
ATTENDANT: Honestly, I soiled myself hours before boarding, and I just got the courage to say something now.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Would sir mind if he were to give me a tip? TIM: Fine.
Yeah.
[COIN CLINKS.]
ATTENDANT: [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
I'm free at last! [LAUGHS.]
You broke the spell! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
TIM: Huh? No-o-o! VANCE: [EXHALES.]
I'm finally free.
And you? Where are you off to? [DOG GROWLS.]
VANCE: Now, that's a great adventure.
[DOG YAPS.]
VANCE: [SIGHS.]
TIM: Tonight's your night, man.
Dude, happy birthday! - VANCE: Thanks, dude! - FRANCO: Happy birthday, man! - VANCE: Frank Gehry designed it.
- TIM: Wow! VANCE: Put pipes everywhere.
FRANCO: That's awesome.
TIM: You know what? I got this.
FRANCO: Damn, for real? VANCE: Hey, you ain't gotta do that.
TIM: No, no, it's my treat.
I got this.
I do not got this.
There are way more numbers on here than I expected.
There's there's like a 3 where I thought there'd be a 1.
Oh, God! Why did I offer to pay? What the hell was I thinking? What the hell was I thinking? So, uh I'm just gonna I'm just gonna take care of this bill.
FRANCO: We could split it if it's too much.
TIM: No, no, no.
Keep your money.
- I insist.
- FRANCO: All right, great! - VANCE: Hell yeah! - FRANCO: Yeah, thank you, man! VANCE: Thank you, dude! TIM: I insisted! I had an out! Why am I doing this to myself? Do I love paying? I must! I mean, why else would I do such an extremely unnecessary gesture knowing that I will starve? VANCE: Hey, is everything all right? TIM: Huh? Yeah, yeah, of course, dude.
I'm made of money.
Money ain't a thing.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Yes! I have nothing! Absolutely nothing! My bank account is at zero! I mean, this bill there must be some sort of mistake.
We were just supposed to get drinks, but there's so much food on here! Did somebody order roses? VANCE: Yeah, 50! TIM: Cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
I've gotta buy some time.
FRANCO: Hey, man! I know you're trying to be generous, but this bill is too much.
Let's split it.
TIM: Oh, thank God.
Well, that worked out.
Well, if you guys really want to party, I know a guy.
I know nobody! What the hell am I doing? I don't even know what this means! - WRITER: Cool office.
- PRODUCER: Uh-huh.
WRITER: Who knew so many windows were necessary? PRODUCER: [CHUCKLES.]
We just can't stop talking - about your script around here.
- WRITER: Thank you.
I've been working on "Crown Land" like five years now.
PRODUCER: We just want to capture your authentic Indigenous experience.
WRITER: Great.
I'm excited to direct it.
- I had an idea - PRODUCER: Ooh, geez.
Here's the thing.
In order to show your experience, we need someone with experience.
[SOUND OF LOON CALL.]
WRITER: Was that a loon call? MAN: Reminds me of home.
WRITER: Where is home? The looney bin? PRODUCER: Ah! Ha! MAN: No, I am from Barrie, Ontario.
Sun up, take the 400 north.
Sun down, still on the 400.
- Am I right? - PRODUCER: Yeah.
Our director, I'm sure he needs no introduction.
WRITER: No, he definitely does.
MAN: Oh, I'm Jo.
It's short for Joganosh.
WRITER: That's a slur for "white man.
" PRODUCER: See? Sparks are flying already! JO: Bring it in, Nish! Oh, my Anishnaabe.
Yes.
WRITER: Uh, Joganosh, what qualifies you to direct my film? JO: I would say it is my Indigenous experience.
I'm a big fan of A Tribe Called Red, and I have a connection to the outdoors.
PRODUCER: Mm, nature.
JO: I also directed the film "Inuit on the Roof.
" WRITER: I saw that.
That was - really confusing.
- JO: Thank you.
WRITER: So, what's next? Objib-Wean's World? JO: I don't know this.
Tell me more.
WRITER: What about Robo Sodo Cop? PRODUCER: Okay, uh Jo, what's your vision? JO: Yes.
I want to take your script, and I want to throw away your script, and then we will spend two days in my private sauna, fever-dreaming a whole new story.
PRODUCER: That sounds amazing! WRITER: Can you just give us a minute? JO: Of course.
Time is but a circle.
PRODUCER: What do you think? He's good, right? Amazing.
WRITER: This guy's a fucking joke, okay? So let's just pass on him, and I'll direct the movie.
PRODUCER: I hear what you're saying, but instead, let's give him the job.
Jo, pitch on what you were telling me over the phone.
JO: Oh, a blood memory is when your ancestors come to you, and they tell you stuff that's pretty tight.
PRODUCER: Tight, sick! WRITER: Have you heard of blood memories not from the past but from the future? JO: I know time is a circle, but WRITER: Yes.
But it can also be a question mark.
JO: Whoa WRITER: I've seen you before.
Vividly.
PRODUCER: Now we're working.
WRITER: Ooh We were sitting here, like this, talking about the movie.
- JO: Yes.
- PRODUCER: Destiny.
WRITER: Then you fell Dead.
JO: Thank you, Eddie.
I must leave.
Thank you.
PRODUCER: Jo, you're not gonna die in a meeting! Dah WRITER: Oh, here comes another one.
Long lenses, shoots done by sunset, high-quality, low-budget PRODUCER: Okay, okay, I get it.
Point taken.
You direct.
WRITER: I like that.
PRODUCER: How do you feel about Kiefer Sutherland? - WRITER: Oh, come on! - PRODUCER: Well, he's good! COURTIER: Yeah, it turns out it wasn't a book of spells, but a book on spelling, but at that point we'd already got to playing, so you know, our hands were tied.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
[LORD TYREN POUNDS ON TABLE.]
LORD TYREN: A toast to the brave men who helped me defeat the Dunn Family at the battle of Hoth.
We butchered them like the pigs they are.
[MURMURS OF APPROVAL.]
LORD TYREN: To defeating the Dunns.
ALL: To defeating the Dunns.
LORD TYREN: Not you.
I'm not wasting good wine on my children.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[SOUND OF COUGHING.]
COURTIER: You bastard! SON: Oh What's happening? - They're dying! - COURTIER: Ah SON: But they're SON: Oh, no! Please don't kill me! KAILA: When people ask you what happened here, tell them the sun rises in the east, that the fire burned down House Tyren.
Tell them that Kaila Dunn is coming for all those who betrayed his father, Veor Dunn.
Now, go! SON: Okay.
Sorry Just give it to me again? KAILA: Tell them when the sun rises in the east SON: Got it! Aah It's "Kaila," right? How do you spell that phonetically? KAILA: Everyone knows who Kaila is.
The population is like 100.
- SON: Okay.
- KAILA: All right! - SON: I'm off.
- KAILA: Good! - SON: Here I go - KAILA: Bye! I can see you! SON: No, I'm off on my journey! KAILA: No, you're you're walking just behind the curtain! SON: How'd I end up ? Oh no, the dead boys.
Ooh [EXHALES.]
I'm really sorry, just give it to me one more time.
KAILA: All right, don't worry about the part about the sun rising in the east.
Just tell them Kaila Dunn SON: Hang on.
I'm gonna write it down.
[SIGHS.]
KAILA: Just tell them I killed a bunch of people, and my name's Kaila Dunn.
SON: Got it.
See? I did it as a drawing.
KAILA: Just write it down! SON: I'm just more of a visual learner.
- KAILA: I'll write it down.
- SON: Hey KAILA: I'll write it down, and I'm going to pin it to your chest because you are a child [SOUND OF GULPING WINE.]
[KAILA SIGHS.]
SON: Oh, sorry, I should have offered you some.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Oh, that's not good wine.
- Ah! - [GLASS CLINKS TO FLOOR.]
[CAR HONKS.]
VANCE: Where'd you get your licence, you idiot? Did you not give me the driver's nod? - GULED: No nod.
- VANCE: You gave me the nod, and that means I'm the one supposed to drive! GULED: Sorry, champ, but you're in the wrong here.
VANCE: I'm in the wrong? GULED: Whoa, buddy! Easy way to settle this.
Let's ask the witness.
VANCE: What are you talking about? There's no one around.
GULED: I wouldn't be so sure.
Okay, now, let's just rewind that.
VANCE: So you caught all this on camera.
Good.
GULED: Okay, there I am backing up.
- And there's the moment of impact.
- [CRASH.]
VANCE: See? You backed into me.
GULED: But wait, wait, wait.
Look again.
VANCE: How'd your camera get that angle? GULED: Oh, it's a 20/20 model.
Just watch.
VANCE: [IN VIDEO.]
I'm evil, and I do bad things for fun.
I'm gonna run right over you! VANCE: What? I never said any of that! VANCE: [IN VIDEO.]
This is gonna be a good time! Oh, I'm gonna hit ya! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
Oh, piece of shit! Here we go! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, I love - [CRASH.]
VANCE: What? None of this happened! GULED: Don't you die on me! Don't you goddamn die on me, son! - I got you - PARAMEDIC: Step aside! Coming through! GULED: Let me do it.
Thank God I went to medical school.
- AUTOMATIC VOICE: Cleared.
- [BUZZING SOUND.]
VANCE: [GROANS.]
GULED: That oughta do it.
VANCE: [GASPING FOR AIR.]
I'm alive! GULED: Yes, you are! [PEOPLE CLAPPING.]
VANCE: You saved my life! GULED: Hey, I'm just doing what any good driver would do.
VANCE: How do I repay you? GULED: Do the right thing.
Your insurance will probably cover it.
Also, cola's bad for your health.
[PEOPLE CLAPPING.]
VANCE: We're just a collection of memories and moments.
PARAMEDIC: And he's an angel.
GULED: It's pretty accurate.
VANCE: You were right.
It was my fault.
GULED: You came to the right conclusion.
No, wait.
There's always a scene after the credits.
VANCE: I don't get it.
We're just watching us.
GULED: Hang on.
What's that? TIM: Hello? Care for a mint? [ALL SCREAM.]