TallBoyz (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

Why Is He Blowing Me Kisses?

Thank you so much.
I'm not gonna watch your movie.
Thank you.
But you were great, though.
Welcome back to e-buzz Canada.
We're in full TIFF season with the celebs all over the city.
Oh my gosh! Oh, I ! Dash, what does the festival mean to you? - So much.
- You're so hot! You know it.
You're so cool.
American superstar Dash Orr spent some time in Canada and picked up a few things along the way.
Sore-ee! You know we say that! Yeah, eh? I just got a double-double from Tim Hortons.
Dash recently filmed a big American movie in Toronto, which double-doubled for New York.
Some of us call Toronto the New York of Canada.
No, you don't.
You don't call us the New York.
No, you don't.
Don't New York? We say it as a joke.
A joke? That's something Americans say to hurt Canadians' feelings.
No, no, I love Toronto.
- Oh! - I love Toronto, yeah.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Yeah, it's practically my second home.
Would you like it to be your first? Here, take it.
It's a passport.
I got your photo off of Getty Images.
Um, I thanks for the passport.
It was great seeing you, Ben uh, Ken.
Ken, it's Ken.
Whoa! Well, you heard it here first: An American loves Canada.
Renew Anne with an E.
He knows about Anne with an E! Come on! Ugh Couldn't you have just gone shopping for a leather jacket online? Shopping is not just about the acquisition! It's the pursuit, the browsing, the trying on, the looking in the mirror and doing a little twirl.
And besides, when you shop online you never know how the stuff's gonna fit.
Let's go, Di di! Hi! What can I do for you today? We're here to browse around and hopefully pick up - a new leather jacket.
- Absolutely.
Just let me know what you like.
What the hell is this? This isn't shopping! Shopping is the pursuit, the browsing, - the looking in the mirror and - Doing a little twirl! Yes, sir, but these protocols are put in place to ensure the safety of all of our guests.
Fine! There.
Now can I try it on? I'm sorry, sir, we are not allowing our clothing to be tried on due to the unknown severity of the situation.
How am I supposed to see how this jacket looks on me? That's why we have socially distant surrogates, models who are your exact body type, to try on clothing, - to ensure your utmost satisfaction.
- Amazing.
Bring on the socially distant surrogates! Wendell? What the hell? This guy looks nothing like me.
I mean, it's just to see if the clothes look good.
Think of him like a mannequin.
All right.
Just try on that jacket.
I would never do that! Why is he blowing me kisses? Bad boy, huh? That's me? It can be.
With the jacket.
I'll take it.
So, how do you like your new jacket? I love it.
Oh, yeah, that's good stuff.
Oh, very good stuff.
Oh, hey.
Didn't see ya.
Here at Tallboyz, it isn't all chuckles and chortles 24/7.
Don't get me wrong, we do laugh a lot, but we also Think a lot.
And one thing I've been thinking about recently is Blackface.
Is it really harmless cultural cosplay for college kids, or is it racist? The answer is racist.
I mean, obviously.
It was literally invented to mock and diminish people of colour.
And yet, after all these years, people still continue to do it.
People like Robert Downey Jr.
, Ted Danson, Justin Trudeau, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, Sarah Silverman, Gene Wilder, Fred Astaire, Cyndi Lauper, Neil Diamond?! Dan Ackroyd, Mark McKinney You know what? Just Google it.
It'd be easy to criticize these people, but it'd be a lot harder to try and empathize with their POV, to understand them.
- That's why I've enlisted Vance - Hmm? To help out with a social experiment so I can finally see what it's like to walk a mile in their shoe polish.
Oh what? No.
I'm not I'm not doing that.
What? Oh, no, no, no, you're not wearing the makeup, you're just here to help with my application process.
Well, now that my pores are cleansed, I'm ready for my blackface.
Yeah, I'll just get started on that right away.
Yeah, you can just go ahead and lay it on real heavy, all right? No need for subtlety.
When I'm finished, I don't want anyone to be able to recognize me.
Yeah, totally.
Right on! Okay, all done.
So now it looks like I've got blackface? Yeah, your face is as black as ever.
Nice! Let's go.
After three hours into the experiment, it seems to be a success.
I felt very judged.
It was like people saw the colour of my face and automatically assumed the worst.
I'm a bit disappointed no one has confronted me yet.
I wonder if anyone has the courage to say something to my face.
Let's find out! Hey, sir.
How's it going? What can I get for you? Coffee.
- Coming right up.
- Uh, seriously? You have no qualms about someone like me just walking around wherever they want looking like this? God, no, it's what our country was built on.
You're not wrong, but you disgust me! - Please stop yelling? - No! I'm making a point! What say you, huh? Are you just gonna sit idly by while this barista welcomes my blackface into this cafe? I think your face should be welcome wherever you go.
You people make me sick, every last one of you! I hope you never finish your screenplay and your coffee goes cold! Okay, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Admit it, my blackface makes you uncomfortable.
I don't have a problem with it, but it's weird you'd phrase it that way! Gah! Well, I hope you learned something today, because I am struggling to piece a lesson together.
Anyway, I've been Tim Blair, doing blackface so you don't have to.
Join me next week when I get a firsthand look at rising sea levels by walking into this lake.
Knock, knock, knock! Hey, guys New phone! Who's home? It's, "new phone, who dis?" Also, didn't you get a new phone last year? I did get a new phone last year.
But Guled, that was my myphone 6s, while this is the myphone 6se.
Ooh! - Ahh! - Ahh! - This guy gets it.
- Mm-hm! It's identical to the last one.
Oh, Franco, this phone is completely different, all right? It's innovative, risk-taking, and not to mention Provocative! Provocative? What are you talking about? Tim, name one difference.
Last year's model had a camera - with three lenses.
- Mm.
While this year's model introduces the brand new three-lens camera.
That does sound a little similar.
- That's because it's exactly the same.
- Franco, feel the difference.
All right.
Which one's which? It's so obvious! It's It's the one on the Oh God, they're identical! Admit it, you got ripped off.
I didn't get ripped off, all right? It was only like $1,200.
Can you afford that right now? I couldn't afford not to buy it, all right? I needed something to pair with my mypad mini.
That looks identical to the others.
No, no, the mypad mini is totally different.
It's customizable, has three lenses, and Papa had to buy it! What are you saying? Who's Papa? I think I'm being perfectly clear.
- Am I? - You absolutely are! - Go on.
- Okay.
You can put stickers on it, swag it out And I'm Papa.
So you bought this thing to put stickers on it? Do I question your actions in a condescending tone? - You just did! - Okay, we made a mistake.
Big whoop.
So you know you made a mistake? Of course we know! Where are you guys going? To return them! Those are your old phones Yo, big boy can't hoop, right? Yo.
Yo, Fred, if I make this shot, you're hooking up with Ugly Stephanie.
Yo, what the fruck, bro? He's gonna do it.
Yo, bro, why'd her parents even name her that? Yo, if I hit this shot, I'm gonna be rich.
Yeah, right.
Oh! Skrrt, skrrt! All right, Lamborghini.
You'll be counting them racks.
Yo, if I hit this shot, I'm smashing the hottest girl in school.
Yeah, right.
No! Yo, this man's not having no sex, yo! Yo, this guy's a waste yute, for real, bro.
Absolute waste yute, man.
Shut up, man! Straight up Bucktee, bro.
Yo, yo, if I hit this shot, Tee's gonna die.
Huh? Yo, what the frug, man? Damn, that's a man's life, bro.
Yo, if I hit this shot, Tee is gonna die tonight.
What? Whoa, whoa, relax, fam.
Yo, you're frucked, bro! Yo, quit playin' around, Geovanni, bro.
I'm not gonna die, fam.
All right, all right.
A man's got his whole life ahead of him, bro.
All right.
If I make this, Tee won't die tonight.
Happy? Yo, that's messed, bro! Yo, bro, stop playin' around, dawg! If I hit this, Tee will live a long, healthy life.
- Huh, how about that? - Thank you.
What the hell, bro?! Put it in the net! Yo, I still want to live, bro.
I wanna get my braces off someday.
If I make this, Tee will live.
- He'll live! - Thank you.
Yo! What are you doing?! His life's not a joke, fam! Put it in the net, dawg! Where are you going? Stop yelling, yo! I'm trying! Yo, please, bro! Yo, I'm trying to live, dawg! - I got no grip! - Hit the shot, dawg! Stop yelling! - I'm trying! - Aah, hit the shot! - I'm close, I feel it! - Hit the shot! - I got this one! - Hit the shot, dawg! - It's just not my day! - He's dying, yo! The rim's too high! Yo! That Friday afternoon changed my whole life.
That was the day that Tee died, I stopped playing basketball forever, and Fred hooked up with Ugly Stephanie.
He's a Bucktee, Styll.
I learned a valuable lesson that day.
If you're going to gamble your future with a shot, you better make sure that you can make it, or else you'll end up like Tee.
Oh, now it goes in! The poster was just so intriguing.
Yeah! I don't think I've ever been to a magic show before.
Yeah, me neither.
But I hear this guy's a master illusionist.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Serpantine! Good evening.
I am Serpantine! Woo, yeah! A very normal looking lighter.
Oh, whoa! - Oh, wow! - Wow.
A rose, a white rose.
Very beautiful, elegant Sexual! Sexual rose Yes! Not now Later.
I have with me two boxes that are over 150 years old.
I will now be doing my world-famous box trick.
Don't blink or you'll Miss it.
Where did his shirt go? I don't know, but it's very Impressive.
A magician's body, bone, flesh Is he covered in baby oil? No, it's my sweat.
- Oh wow.
- Wow.
For my next trick, I will need a volunteer to join me on stage.
- What is your name? - Uh, Brent.
Would you like to join me on stage, "uh, Brent"? Oh, honey.
Do it! Sure.
Great, because you're already there.
Oh my God! Woo! Wow! Mmm yes! Oh! Sorry, I Is this part of the trick? Pick a card and show it to the audience.
Put it back in the deck.
Your card is gone.
Check the deck.
In fact, why don't you count them? You want me to count all of these cards? - Yes.
- Okay.
1, 2, 3 17, 18 Mmm, counting 35, 36 37 Numbers are sexy.
49, 50 51.
My card is gone.
- My card's not here! - What? Look.
Down here.
What are you doing? What is it? What is that? Oh my God.
What's going on? Oh my God, what the hell?! Ugh! Oh God! What the hell! Ah! Is this your card, Brent? Yes.
That was disgusting! - God! - Brent, everyone.
Ew! That was weird, right? I thought it was pretty good.
God, I wish these boxes unpacked themselves.
But darling, look at how amazing this place is.
I mean, I am so happy that we decided to move in together.
Yeah, this place was, like, weirdly affordable, right? - Especially in Toronto's market.
- Yeah.
A detached bungalow for under $4 million? Can't believe no one wanted it.
Well, it's ours now.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Did you hear that? That's the exact same sound.
Yeah, but it was louder this time.
So much louder! Are we Uh, honey, what are these cords? These weren't here before.
Something has chewed right through the wires.
We have to call somebody.
I know just the person.
- Pest control.
- Yes, thank you for coming.
And announcing your title.
It's the least I could do.
What is it you seem to be experiencing? We keep hearing the same scratching noises.
Scratching? Sort of like a vicka vicka vicka vicka, rip rip rip rrrip? Yes! And some weird noises like untz, untz, untz, untz, untz.
Sounds like you're dealing with a DJ infestation.
A DJ what now? You see, these DJs, they're crafty.
They'll get into your houses through holes sometimes no bigger than a dime.
Next thing you know, they'll chew through your wires, and rewire those wires for their gear.
- Oh God.
- Oh my God! Well, is there something that we can do? Just stand back and let the professional get to work.
Take me to him.
This is where the noises came from.
Yeah, DJs tend to nest in attics.
Makes it easier for them to raise the roof.
I'll sniff him out.
D-D-D-DJ Crawlspace! He's over here.
Everybody get c-c-c-crunk tonight! All treble, no bass! Turn it back up! All right, so how do you want me to take care of this? I can snap his neck, gas the place, or my personal favourite Chainsaw! - Snap his neck.
- No! No, you cannot do that.
He is a person.
Oh, no, no, he's a DJ.
They just look like people.
It's a survival tactic.
Well, isn't there a more humane way to get rid of him? Ugh, fine! Hey, DJ crawlspace! Hey, look at this a brand new crossfader.
Never been touched! A fresh fader? - That's major key.
- Yeah! Oh! Should have snapped his neck.
Hold on, hold on W w where are you taking me? Where all unwanted DJs go Montreal.
Did someone say Montreal? That's like our Paris.
A lot of great DJs come out of Canada, like deadmau5.
There you have it, folks.
Looks like I'm gonna have to torch him.
He's not gonna fit into the van.
Don't worry.
I'll spread your ashes at an after-hours.
Stay tuned for another great Canadian show.
D-D-D-DJ Crawlspace!
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