TallBoyz (2019) s03e08 Episode Script

Papa You Are My Dad

1 Hey! Aaniin, friends and relatives, and welcome to our new show, "I Know Indigenous," the show where we ask Toronto locals to identify something Indigenous.
Oh, how about you, ma'am? Huh? Hey, uh, knocking at the door of reconciliation.
Alright, today our guest is D'Pharoah Woon-A-Tai, of the hit comedy series "Reservation Dogs.
" I didn't know we booked you as a guest! You didn't book me as a guest.
Your producers came and grabbed me and made me take a COVID test! Okay.
Apologies about that.
I'm gonna give you a word, three definitions, and then you tell me which one's the correct one.
Yeah, sounds pretty cool.
- Let's do it.
- Great, great, great.
A tomahawk.
A tomahawk is, A, a traditional tool of weapon used by some Indigenous peoples, is it, B, the traditional homeland of the Chupacabra, or, C, a late 1990s era wrestler? D, a steak.
My favourite cut.
There is no D! That's not how this show works.
Okay, we'll try another one here.
Adam Beach is a A, mixed drink, B, one of the most well-known Indigenous actors ever, or C an Indigenous nude beach.
We're gonna move on.
Okay, so the next one's gonna be pretty easy.
- It's a true or false, okay? - Mm-hm.
This young actor was in the film "Indian Horse.
" I did not see that one, next question.
Okay, um He's young, he's handsome, he looks good holding a microphone.
Yeah, nothing.
Nothing? You're looking right at okay.
"TallBoyz," television show.
I haven't seen that one yet.
Vance Banzo.
Lance Banzo? Whoa, ding ding ding! He got it right! Hey, okay! Thanks for playing, D'Pharoah.
Alright, join us next time when we're gonna be asking, "What is the best treaty?" Is it 1? Is it 2? Is it 3? 4? Maybe it's 5.
- 6? - Any of them.
7? - Is it 8? - It's probably 8.
Hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo ♪ Hey-yo ♪ Hey-yo! ♪ If you wanted shawarma, you should have said something! I did, but y'all got pupusas instead! They're the shawarmas of El Salvador! You should have specified! I did, but you never listen! Order, order! Order your food later.
Let's get back to the eviction case.
Thank you, Your Honour.
It started like any other day The sky was bright blue, and the TallBoyz were up to their usual leisurely hijinks.
Aw, man, it's still spouting blood.
- Dang it! - This is hard.
I was raised by a single mom who wasn't handy at all.
Now, my mom was handy, but she sheltered me from calloused hands.
Ah, my mom said it wasn't her responsibility to teach men everything.
- That's why I can't tie my shoes.
- Mm.
Come on, we're smart guys! We could figure this out.
Let's make our single moms proud.
To single moms! Argh! Renting from the devil truly is hell.
He hasn't fixed anything.
He's a slum lord! Somebody's gotta stand up to him.
That's a great idea, Franco.
Tell us how it goes.
Wait, wait, wait! Hey, hey! Come back here! Why do I always have to do everything? Because you're naturally driven in a way that we can only dream of.
You don't believe that - No! - No, I don't.
I actually don't like doing everything, but I'm often put in that position because our default - decision-making process - Not it! No, I'm saying it's unfair because my reflexes - aren't as - Not it! Why don't we just figure out a different way - to decide how to - Not it! Don't drink the blood while I'm gone.
Huh, why would we do that? We could put it through a Brita filter.
Stupid jerks only think about them-stupid-selves.
They know I have a hard time speaking up because my single mom did all the talking for me.
Sounds like you just another "Not it.
" How about a hot cocoa to make you feel better? Okay! Why don't you tell me what's really bugging you? Those guys didn't hear me, so as usual I have to do everything! That's kind of how I feel as a landlord.
You know, it seems to me a real friend would take the time to listen to you and Oh, cool ties! - You wanna try one on? - Absolutely.
I don't know how to tie a tie.
It's easy, hm? You just need to take the serpent, pull it through the little hellhole, twist its neck, and there.
I do feel more powerful.
Looks good on you Son.
Feels nice to be called that.
Um Um Oh! "Hello" That's too formal, it's too formal.
"To whom this may concern," "For lunch today, I would like" No, no, no, that's not right.
"I think we should go forward "with this decision, and unless you have any questions, "I would like two slices of veggie pizza.
" - Phew! - Wow.
This guy is an email genius.
How do you do it? Uh, it just comes to me.
Straight off the dome.
"For lunch today, I would like" Hey, uh, don't know if you got my email, but I'm ordering lunch, so if you could just, you know Shut up.
Shut up.
I'm doing it.
Oh, uh, you don't have to worry about the email.
- You can just tell me.
- No, no, no, no.
I will email like everybody else.
- I can do it.
- Oh okay.
Hm "Pizza.
" And send.
Oh, what the hell is this email? He wrote, "Dear Kind Regards," and he signed it "Pizza.
" "Payback time.
" Keon noticed something troublesome in the last email you sent.
Troublesome? How so? Your email appears to be a word-for-word copy of an email chain sent earlier by a Quintin Sterndale! Uh what are you guys talking about? Cut the crap! Quintin Sterndale is the world's best email ghostwriter.
We all know I write my own emails.
If you really write your own emails, then you'll have no problem writing one right now, in front of us.
I'm a fraud! My words were never my own! Hussein, how could you? Do you want me to eat it? Business is hard, isn't it? Oh I uh I want to learn how to do it, how to write my own emails.
I need you to teach me Quintin Sterndale.
First exercise, log in, log out.
- Log in.
- Now what? Log out! Log in, log out.
- I'm trying.
- Log in, log out! - Caps Lock is on! - Log in, log out! Aah, I can't feel my fingers! Is it "Dear Jeff," or "Hi Jeff"? - Um, "Dear Jeff.
" - " Hi Jeff"! What is wrong with you? Yes, good.
I like what I see.
Stop! You're ready.
Yeah, and then you'll say, "I'll get back to you at your earliest convenience.
" Perfect, send that off.
And that's how you write an email.
He hath returned to guide us through inter-office communications! I've been helping people with their emails.
Check your email.
I sent you one.
If Michelangelo was alive today, he would have painted this.
Ooh, get ready for the Tour de Vance.
Where's Franco? He usually does all our navigating.
- And the pedalling.
- Ah Oh, there you are.
Huh, why aren't you in your cycling gear? I'm gonna go hang out with the Devil.
But who's gonna be our fourth on our tandem-tandem bike ride? I dunno.
Maybe you can go without me.
I see you in the light ♪ Movin' in and out of sight ♪ Who are you? ♪ Where have I seen you before? ♪ Now that I've found you, ♪ I wanna see you some more.
♪ Don't stop, the feeling is growin'.
♪ Don't stop, it's startin' to show.
♪ Don't stop what you're doin' to me.
♪ Do it forever, do it forever.
♪ Don't stop.
♪ And so it was that everybody sinned.
Hey, there he is! Let's roll! Don't stop ♪ Don't stop ♪ Okay, keep your eyes closed.
Reach out your hands.
Okay Open them! Surprise! - You're adopting me? - And that's not all.
You're also getting your own apartment.
This is just the lease to our current apartment without the other Boyz's names on it.
Well, that's because you're going to have to evict them.
I can't evict my friends.
And besides, that's illegal.
You can't just evict people.
A landlord can evict their tenants as long as they have family moving in.
You are my son aren't you? Yes, Daddy.
Actually just "Dad" is fine.
♪ Whoa! You're a busy person.
That's why you've subscribed to the revolutionary food subscription service, High-Lo Fresh, where we send you everything you need for the perfect meal.
Today's recipe is Ramen à la Tuna.
Ooh! Included in the box is a pack of ramen noodles.
- Fun! - Two eggs.
A can of tuna from Saskatchewan.
And an eighth of Purple Kush.
Oh, my High-Lo Fresh's secret ingredient - to enjoying a stress-free meal.
- Huh! Let's get started.
Blow your smoke, get high! ♪ Blow your smoke, get high! ♪ Smoke you onto the ropes and blow your smoke! ♪ - That's good.
- I meant cooking! I assume you went ahead and smoked a bowl.
Don't worry.
That's actually Step 1.
Kush, kush! Dro, dro! ♪ It's good stuff! Step 2, cook the noodles until they're al dente.
"Al dente"? What does that even mean? Uh Wow.
It's been 20 minutes.
I'm assuming that you looked up what "al dente" meant and then you fell down a Wikipedia rabbit hole, ending up at Dante's "Inferno"? Those 14th-century Italians really knew how to write a poem.
Huh! Oh, shit the food! Step 3's gonna be easy.
Just put the water in the pot.
Because I said "water" and "pot," I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you smoked pot from a water bong.
Don't worry.
I did too.
Next, put the noodles in there.
Huh Mmm You started eating the noodles, didn't you? I couldn't help myself.
They're just so "al Dante.
" No, they're not.
You know, Step 6, uh You wanna chill, man? Yeah, I mean, I'm not doing anything.
Yeah, so if you start losing your hair, you should just start collecting it.
And then that way, if you go bald - Uh-huh.
- You can make a wig.
Dude, that's brilliant, man! You should, like, start a business or something.
Huh, I did, man! Dude, it's called High-Lo Fresh.
Oh, yeah, I-I think I've heard of it.
Wait Did I cook this? With every box of High-Lo Fresh, after four hours have passed, we automatically order you a pizza 'cause we assume you haven't started cooking.
Oh, man, wow! And this is so much healthier than take-out.
That's how we keep all of our meals stress-free.
High-Lo Fresh.
Take the Take the stress out of cooking.
That's my line.
You're high.
Can you hear me? Whoa ahh ah My knee! 99 100! You should be all better now, Tim.
Can you just give me a bandage? Guys, the Devil offered me an apartment, but I'm not sure if I should take Look what happened because you decided to ditch - our tandem-tandem bike ride! - How is that my fault? You weren't there to help Tim with the pedalling.
Maybe I'm tired of doing all the pedalling.
But you have the strongest calves! Maybe you'd have stronger calves if you did some work for once.
- Hey! - Ooh! - Vance! - Sorry.
I finally found a father figure.
You should be happy for me! Why do you need a father figure? We have each other! We were all raised by single mothers.
Didn't you ever long for something more? - Yeah, two single moms.
- Double mother! No! Having a father around.
Oh, we did have fathers.
They just weren't there for a pivotal moments.
My dad taught me about the birds and the bees but nothing about sex.
I think he was an entomologist.
Maybe you should call your dad because Franco's bugging out.
You're just jealous 'cause the Devil wants - to be my father.
- Figure! - He's not your real father.
- Well, he could be! The Devil offered to adopt me.
Huh? That's for me.
Also, you might want to read this and weep.
- What are you doing? - I thought you were upset.
I am.
You got a five-dollar bill, put your hand up ♪ You got a twenty-dollar bill, put your hand up ♪ - Ah! - Keep walking! Are you gonna hurt me? Not if you do as I say.
Hey, I know this place! Welcome to Flattie's.
What can I get going for you today? Is this the chicken place - that thinks the world is flat? - Ha! Almost as flat as our Flattie's Flatbread Chicken Sandwich.
Get me one of those sandwiches! - Are you crazy? - Crazy? No.
We're just not convinced by the piles of "evidence" brought forth by "scientists.
" But you'll be convinced after one bite Flattie's is the best! I can't in good conscience spend my money at an establishment like this! I mean, put a gun to my head Oh! One flatbread sandwich, please! Sure thing.
Flattie's, where everything is 2D.
♪ There's a flat person in you and me! ♪ - There you go! - Thank you.
- Have a good day.
- Oh! No hard feelings, bro.
I love their chicken sandwiches.
It's just that I'm not a Flat Earther, so I couldn't in good conscience purchase it myself.
That's why I had you do it.
So it's a morality loophole? Enough of one for me! Totally.
Mmm! It's so good! But still so bad! Think of all the things we've given up for the right reasons.
Now we can enjoy all of our favourite cancelled comedians! He should have been arrested a long time ago! We can finally return to this magical world! Sucks she's a TERF! It's Don Cherry! Don, tell us about the podcast! - Leave me alone! - Don! - Yeah.
- Like, this is fantastic.
It's great, and apparently Oh my God, that sandwich is from Flattie's! And that drink, that's from No Mix, the segregated coffee shop that only sells cream! I mean, it's pretty great once you get past the nausea.
I would never compromise my morals over such a Thank you! It's so good! Maybe the world is flat! The music of this land is the well-known dubstep ♪ So, this case is pretty clear.
You can evict someone for your family to rent the unit, but you have to sign these first.
I mean, are they even family? Come on, sign it Son.
I'm thinking, Daddy.
Okay, again, just "Dad.
" Hm.
Your Honour, my colleague would like to cross-examine the witness.
Let's go.
Come on.
Franco, I have just one question for you.
Please! Please don't do this to us! Please! There's no begging in my courtroom! The defence rests.
What's your decision, Franco? Are you with us, the Boyz who've always been there for you? Or with the Devil, who's surprisingly quite nurturing? Pfft! The choice is quite clear to me, Son.
No matter what you choose, we're gonna be proud of you.
Come on, Franco.
I'm not signing it! Yeah! Woo-hoo! - Ew! - Eugh - Ha-ha! - Oh my God.
You were gonna have your own apartment in Toronto! You were supposed to take over the building! And be miserable doing it? - That's not my dream, Appa, it's yours.
- Who's Appa? Oh, it's a really good show, you gotta watch it.
I'm sorry.
Here I am ♪ In your hands ♪ Now, that's a resolution! I'm sorry to say you're not my son.
And that I'll have to let my other kids move into the building and evict you and your friends instead! The Devil's got other kids? Thousands! Throughout the course of history, I've sired a legion of bastards.
How else do you think I could have evicted all those people and amassed a real estate empire? The Devil wins.
'Cause he's also my daddy.
Please, just "Dad" is fine! Dicksmacks.
We lost our apartment.
Feels like this happens every year.
I can't believe the suits were part of the settlement.
Well, there is one thing they can't take from us.
Our friendship? Well, that and our tandem-tandem bike rides.
Oh, yeah! Woo! Come on, guys! Push it, push it! I'm already out of breath, guys! Tim, steer, come on! It's true what they say It can take two to tandem! 'Cause all my life ♪ I been putting in overtime ♪ Staying up all night ♪ All through hard times, ♪
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