Teachers (2016) s02e14 Episode Script

Nightmare On Fillmore Street

1 [GRUNTING] [EXHALING RAPIDLY] - [GASPING] - Oh! Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [GASPS] [ROCK MUSIC] Tear it down Tear it down "The pioneers were the first people to settle in the North American frontier.
" Well, technically, it was the Native Americans, but in public school, we only recognize them at Thanksgiving.
- Ms.
Snap? - Yes? What are you supposed to be? I am sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
And I order you to pay attention to this lesson! [GASPS] - [GAVEL CLATTERS] - Okay.
"Most pioneers traveled West along the Oregon trail, but some traveled to California.
Which brings us to the most infamous tragedy of westward migration: The Donner Party.
" - [THUNDER CLAPS] - Ooh.
Hold on.
What happened to the Donner Party? One second, guys.
This won't refresh.
Um No internet connection? Where are we, Botswana? No service either? Are you kidding me? Is everything okay, Ms.
Snap? No.
We've lost Wi-Fi! But what happened to the Donner Party? I don't know, okay! I don't know anything without Google! - [THUNDER CLAPS] - [SCREAMS] What are you supposed to be anyway? S&M Downton Abbey? I'm Goody Proctor from "The Crucible.
" It's a fun little reminder of the dangers of mass hysteria.
The Wi-Fi is out! It's the storm.
No one has service.
Pearson called someone, but they don't know when they can come out.
This is a nightmare.
How am I supposed to teach my kids without YouTube or Wikipedia? - Uh, use a book? - Get serious, Cecilia.
Books are for losers on public transportation.
Besides, where am I gonna get a book? Bookstores don't exist anymore.
You could try the school's library.
We have a library? Yeah, but no one's been inside for years.
I heard they found the librarian, Mrs.
Foley's dead, rotting body after she fell off a ladder while shelving books.
She was decomposing in the stacks for weeks before anyone even noticed she was missing.
They say the R volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica crushed her trachea.
That was always my favorite detail.
Okay, well, I'm clearly not going in there.
Though I may look the part, I'm not some hot, naive teen ready to get killed in a slasher movie.
You have to go in there if you want to get reference materials for today.
Do you hear that? [WHOOSHING, DISTANT EERIE WHISPERS] Oh, no, not again.
Cecelia, I thought you were going to hide her boom box? I thought you were going to do it! Every year.
Why does she have to ruin this sacred holiday every year? Hold onto your butts.
And to my big surprise they danced around They did the shuffle, they did the spooky shuffle The spooky shuffled caused quite a kerfuffle The Spooky Shuffle's back, baby! And I'm gonna be pumping it all day long to get you ghouls into the spirit.
[LAUGHS EVILLY AND SNICKERS] Someone set me on fire for real.
[ROCK TONES] Hey! I made extra kale cookies.
Want me to bring some to your class's Halloween party? No, I like my students this year.
Why would I want to punish them? Well, look at us! Don't we make quite a pair? Robin Hood and Maid Marian! How cute! - Did you guys plan this? - What? No! We are not a pair! We just happened to be dressed as a famous couple from English folklore! It's the spooky shuffle, the spooky shuffle - It caused quite a kerfuffle - Spooky.
We did the spooky shuffle, the spooky shuffle Every year.
I literally never knew this was here.
[GASPS AND SHRIEKS] Chelsea, it's just a spider web, not a spider vein.
Okay, those shorts are not doing your hips any favors.
[GASPS AND SHRIEKS] [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Chelsea, get it together.
Oh! [GASPS] [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] It's a book, dumbass.
- [DRAMATIC TONES] - [SCREAMS] Oh, hell no! Ain't nobody got time for this! [THUNDER RUMBLING] [COFFEE POT RATTLING] Have you guys ever, like, seen a ghost? A ghost? Yeah, you know, someone who's dead, but then, like You saw them in person? Chelsea, are you taking Fen-phen again? No, I take a natural supplement that happens to be sold on the dark web.
Look, I know that this sounds crazy, but this morning when I went to the library to get a book on the American Frontier, I'm pretty sure I saw Mrs.
- She's dead.
- I know.
I think I saw her ghost.
I once thought I was being haunted by a ghost Chihuahua.
She would come into my room at night and she just wouldn't stop barking at me.
But it turned out that my mom just got a Chihuahua and didn't tell us.
Chelsea, you're probably just on edge because the Wi-Fi is out and it's Halloween.
Because you can't see dead people.
Right? Ah, Maid Marian, I've been looking for you! Would you be interested in playing a game of doubles tennis after school? My herniated disk is feeling better.
[GASPS AND MOANS] Why would we play doubles tennis? That doesn't even make sense.
We are not a team.
Right [STAMMERS] It was silly of me to ask.
I better go make sure the boys aren't urinating in the pumpkins again.
What was that? And why are you two dressed in a couple's costume? Is there something going on between you two? What? No.
We did not plan our costumes.
Nothing is going on.
Did you hook up with Principal Pearson? You hooked up with Principal Pearson.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
I can't believe you hooked up with Principal Pearson! No, I didn't! And stop saying his name! Okay, fine.
I didn't hook up with him, but last night, I had a sex dream about him.
[ALL GASP] - Rank! - I know.
In your dream, was Principal Pearson naked? I don't want to talk about it.
- [GASPS] - Caroline.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
People have sex dreams all the time.
I know, but people have sex dreams about people they want to have sex with! And I have no interest in Toby.
Toby? Like how naked? You're probably subconsciously attracted to him.
You two are very similar.
Sometimes dreams tell us things about ourselves we don't even know.
That's how I figured out I was attracted to Tony the Tiger.
What? He's built.
There's no way I don't like him like that at all.
At all.
Just to confirm, naked means no clothes, including the flute and the maracas? One more time, people! I was walking through the graveyard Halloween night When from out of the grave Mary Louise, I can hear that stupid song all the way from my trailer! [MUSIC STOPS] I was trying to teach my students about this sacred Wiccan day that your people stole from us.
Come on, Deb! It's Billy Swish's 1962 one-hit wonder! Halloween's just a fun goofball holiday.
What's the big deal? How dare you insult the closure of the harvest? Halloween is an atrocity against my faith.
This is supposed to be a dark day where the Earth sleeps and we remember the dead.
But enjoy your princess costumes.
[THUNDER RUMBLING] Oh, still no service? What's next? Picking our food off trees to eat? [CREAKING] What was that? So what happened to the Donner Party? I don't know, Dale.
The only party I know about is "Party of Five.
" And that wasn't always a party.
They were orphans.
Was it difficult to travel on the Oregon Trail? I don't know, but in the computer game everyone had dysentery.
Why did some people go to Oregon and some people go to California? About the Donner Party Let's play a game.
It's called "stop asking questions.
" - Why? - You just lost, Rhoda! [DRAMATIC MUSIC] [SCREAMS] Okay, new game.
Everyone pile your desks in front of the door and form a protective shield around Ms.
Snap! Move it! We're in danger! [ALL SCREAMING] - Hello.
- Yes? Are you feeling okay? I'm fine.
Can I help you? Oh, um I came by to pick up the candy apples you brought.
I've been dying to get my hands on them all day.
I can never get enough of your sweet treats.
[STRAINING] - [GRUNTING] - [MOANING] Oh, peas and rice! Get your filthy hands off my apples! I thought you said the apples were for me and the office staff? No! No more sweet treats from Maid Marian! Get out! Go! He did the spooky shuffle, the spooky shuffle It caused quite a kerfuffle, the spooky shuffle [MUSIC STOPS] Hey, Debo.
We were just gonna play it one more time, but we got caught up in the kerfuffle.
[FORCED LAUGH] My people didn't go through 2,000 years of oppression to have to listen to this garbage on our Holy Day.
Have a blessed Samhain.
That was my only copy.
Mary Louise, what happened to your tape? - A witch got it.
- What the F? You guys, I am being haunted by Mrs.
Foley! - What? - I think your waist trainer is cutting off the oxygen supply to your brain.
Shut up.
This morning, when I went to the library, I saw Mrs.
Foley's ghost.
And then this afternoon when I was trying to teach without Wi-Fi, which, by the way, is impossible, she appeared in my classroom.
- That's so scary.
- Oh, no.
It sounds like you may have encountered a restless spirit.
I dabble in amateur ghost hunting on the weekends.
I'm sorry, I only believe in metaphorical ghosts.
Like being haunted by your dreams.
Yeah, there's no such thing as ghosts.
If you saw something, it was probably a demon.
Oh, Chelsea, I told you to get baptized! I know no one believes me, but I am not crazy! Whoa, no one thinks you're crazy, Chelsea.
[MOUTHING] She crazy.
Feldman, this is serious.
I really need to get back in that library.
My kids are driving me nuts with questions, and I need one book on the American Frontier to get me through this day! You're not going alone.
We're going with you.
I live for this shit.
Cold Cold.
Oh! Mary Louise! Your holy water is ruining my Ruth Bader Ginsberg smoky eye.
- Sorry.
- Cold cold.
Warm ooh, we're getting a reading.
You know, she might not have been able to pass on.
[GLASS SHATTERING, ALL SHRIEK] Sorry, dudes, my bad.
Feldman, that's school property.
Can we just keep moving? My class is going to be back from gym soon.
Let's just find you the book you need and get out of here.
- Okay.
- Hold up.
We're getting a really strong heat signature here.
Oh, my God.
Mary Louise, you need to stop with the water.
These bookshelves are filthy.
I'm gonna go get my feather duster.
- Hello there.
- [ALL SCREAM] - Here, take her! - Chelsea, why? [ALL SCREAMING] What's going on here? Wait.
You're alive? Chelsea, are you kidding me? Okay, you guys are the ones who told me that she was dead! She might be a demon trying to trick us.
That's how my Uncle Pat got lured into a bathroom stall by another man at O'Hare.
But you appeared in my classroom and then just disappeared into thin air.
No, no, I just walked away.
You seemed so upset.
I haven't had a visitor here in a while and I just wanted to be sure that you found what you were looking for.
Deb, did you It's holy water! Shut up.
Then why does everyone think you're dead? Because I've been forgotten, just like my books.
Children used to burst through these doors - eager to explore.
- What happened? In 1997, a man from Hewlett Packard came to Fillmore and installed three personal computers.
And the rest is history.
Now people only care about how fast they get their information, not whether it's accurate.
But the library never changed.
[MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS] Take a stroll with me Through these bookcases The library is The most magical of places Oh, wow, it's like a harder, thicker magazine.
Embalming techniques of the 1800s.
A microfiche! Black people getting sprayed with hoses! Gay people getting sprayed with hoses! Feminists getting sprayed with hoses! [ALL CHEERING] It's good to have people back in the library again.
It's good to be needed again.
The Donner Party got snowed in for the winter and had to eat each other.
Cool! Super cool! Hey Deb, I was just thinking it's pretty neat that Halloween has its origins in the Pagan-Celtic festival of Samhain.
It's pronounced "Sah-wen.
" And great job reading that out of that book.
Rats! You caught me! Look, I know you were trying to hide it earlier, but you seemed to get a little annoyed with me.
Here's the thing.
I just love that Billy Swish song.
It was the first cool rock and roll song I ever got to listen to.
The first time I heard it, my body got all tingly and I got this funny feeling down I get it! I had the same experience.
Except with Nine Inch Nails's "Hurt.
" Mary Louise, I'm sorry.
It was a real asshole move of me to destroy your tape.
Here, I found this in the music catalogue.
[GASPS] The Spooky Shuffle! I'm back, baby! Thanks, Deb.
And don't worry.
I won't play it until I get home.
[SPOOKY VOICE] And that's a promise.
"Long Trips, Short Lives.
" Oh, I love the pioneers.
Mind if I join you? He's a good man.
He is, right? Toby, can I talk to you out in the hall for a moment? Okay.
I wanted to apologize for how I've been acting.
Have I done something wrong? My tights made you uncomfortable, right? The package said they were opaque.
No, no, that's not it.
But you were so mad.
Like Roberta when I used to offer to take her coat and she would say, "Get off of me!" I'm sorry.
I promise it wasn't that anything you did.
I I had a weird dream about you last night.
You killed me, didn't you? Roberta always dreamt of killing me.
No! No, it was a positive dream.
Then why were you upset? This is embarrassing to admit, but it was a sex dream.
[LAUGHING] [BOTH LAUGHING] I know! It's ridiculous.
No, no, it's not ridiculous.
I had a sex dream about you once.
I'm sorry.
That was rude of me to bring that up and just leave it hanging like that.
You were magnificent.
[LAUGHS] Okay, uh, well I have to I have to get back to the library.
[EXHALING] Thank you for bringing your class here.
It means a lot.
No, thank you for opening my eyes to the beauty of this place again.
It's so wonderful to see my students engaging with each other and excited to The Wi-Fi is back! We have Wi-Fi! - Go! - What? Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Get out of here! Come on, come on, come on.
I have to Boomerang now.
Get out of my way! [ROMANTIC MUSIC] [DOLPHINS CHATTERING] [GASPING] [ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC] [ROCK MUSIC] Tear it down Tear it down Tear it down Tear it down Oh, yeah.