Teachers (2016) s02e16 Episode Script

1 This is an abomination.
Look away, Mary Louise! Look away! - I can't.
- No! I can't! I can't! Tear it down Can you believe the nerve of Theresa Larson? - Why can't she pump in private? - Seriously.
Flashers get thrown in jail for it.
Why should it be any different for her? She's doing this to spite me.
She knows I'm $8,000 short of my boob job.
Wow.
The wig makes him look so presidential.
- Is she here? - No.
Finally, we can sit in peace without the sounds of a cow getting milked.
What are your classes selling for mini-society? - Necklaces.
- Bracelets.
You? - Trail mix.
- That you're currently eating.
What can I say? I believe in our product.
I really want my kids to win the pizza party.
They're such hard little workers.
They remind me of my Grandpa Wolfgang Adler who worked on the Chrysler assembly line for over 40 years.
- Wow.
40 years.
- Mm, yeah.
Until management fired him and outsourced his job to Mexico.
He tried to get it back but died broke when a Mexican mule kicked him in the head.
- Talk about insult to injury.
- I'm so sorry, Deb.
But as far as the pizza party goes, I'm pretty sure my class will be winning.
- And why is that? - The Watson family has always done well economically.
Back in the 1800s, my great-great-grandfather bought up all the railroads and broke the back - of organized labor.
- So he was like Mr.
Monopoly? Yeah, they actually modeled the character after him, but they added the monocle.
My family's still upset about it.
Well, I will take honest workers over blue bloods any day.
Hey, guys.
I have big news.
I got the Helen D.
Beaumont Art Grant! Now I can buy more supplies and build the art program.
Cecelia, how many times do we have to tell you? No one cares about art.
Oh, Patty.
A purple banana.
Very outside the box.
Trey, I love that you gave your apple a face and a Is that a machine gun? See? Children can express all their complex emotions when there's funding for the arts.
Yeah, but I'm gonna miss painting with leftover condiments from the cafeteria.
If I got hungry before lunch, I could just lick my students' art projects.
Bruno Chiclet, how are you doing? Mm, I don't know.
I've never painted before.
Well, let's see.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
Oh, my Gaia! This is beautiful.
You're a genius.
Dang! That's like hotel art.
This is the power of the assembly line.
Made in America.
Yes.
Mrs.
Adler, can we please take a break? - My hands are getting tired.
- We can't.
Now, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and power through.
We've got to work hard like my grandpa - to put pizza on the table.
- I don't have bootstraps.
- I have sneakers.
- Just work, Amanda.
And that's why the American dream is to create multiple streams of income.
Now, Davis, let's say that Delia F.
in Ms.
Spencer's class wants to borrow 100 Fillmore bucks at 20% interest.
Would you give her the loan? Yes, but with interest compounded weekly.
Excellent.
And we do that so we can ALL: Drain her dry! [LAUGHS.]
I'm so proud of you, Davis.
- I knew you'd be in here.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I was just about to - Whip out your giant gazongas? - Have you no shame? - What are you? - A full D? - Excuse me? Your tits, Theresa.
Don't play dumb.
Okay, I really need to pump, ladies.
It's called formula, Theresa.
It's the modest woman's choice.
Breast milk is much healthier for children.
Well, then find another way to squeeze it out of you.
Because this disgusting display is no longer welcome in the teachers' lounge.
Yeah, go milk yourself in the handicap stall.
That's what they're there for.
Look, ladies, I'd love to have a chat about the politics of public breast-feeding another time, but right now, I really need to pu - [GASPS.]
- [GASPS.]
Ah! Aah.
How many calories do you think were in that? Babies grow really fast.
So probably a lot.
Oh, damn it, Theresa! - Oh, wow.
- Oh! [SIGHS CONTENTEDLY.]
Ms.
Cannon, I just got off the phone with one of our parents, - Suzie Takamura.
- The art critic - from the "Chicagoland Gazette"? - Yes.
She was dropping off her daughter's lunch earlier when she noticed Bruno's work in the hall.
She was so impressed, she wants to do an article - on you and Bruno.
- Girl! You're gonna be in the "Gazette"? That's like Chicagoland's "Vogue.
" Wow.
I can't believe it.
Since it seems like a good opportunity to get some pro-Fillmore media exposure, I offered to hold an art show here this Thursday night to showcase Bruno's work.
[GASPS.]
- His first opening.
- Bravo, Ms.
Cannon.
Even though I've never acknowledged you before, you have truly elevated the arts program here at Fillmore.
Please let me know if you need anything at all.
You have my ear.
- Ah! - Did you hear that? Dude, you just made Pearson your bitch.
It's just so nice to finally get recognized.
I know.
When Principal Pearson gave you that grocery cart instead of a classroom, I was like, uh, seriously? Yeah, I was so outraged.
Even though I didn't say anything.
And I've always thought you were cool, Cecelia, despite the fact you believe God is a woman.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
You can have full use of my classroom all week.
Anything to help the art program.
But what's your class gonna do? Who cares? They can play freeze tag in the cafeteria.
Geniuses take precedent.
Just so nice to see art finally getting the respect that it deserves.
But you said no one cares about art.
Oh, no, you misunderstood me.
What I said was that no one cares about art more than I do.
And even though peer pressure forced me to circulate that petition to try and get you fired and use the extra money for Friday staff barbecues - What? - I want you to know that I am happy to do the "Gazette" interview on your behalf, since you'll be so busy with Bruno Chiclet's show.
- It's "Chiclay" now.
- Mm.
- Bruno "Chiclay.
" - [GASPS.]
And thanks for the offer, but I'm actually excited to do the interview.
Okay.
Well, just just think about it.
[GASPS.]
An abstract.
You've just transcended an entire century of art history - in a single morning.
- I decided to paint from my imagination.
I want to paint what excites me.
- A true visionary.
- I want to make a whole bunch of paintings like this one.
Ooh, a series! This is so exciting.
Keep up the good work, "Chiclay.
" Us artists need to stick together.
Artists? Clearly, you don't appreciate my contouring.
[PLEASANT HARPSICHORD MUSIC.]
I don't get it.
My kids can't work any harder, and you're outselling us ten to one.
How's that even possible? Uh, by embracing capitalist values.
I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
Maybe people just don't like necklaces as much as they like bracelets? I warned you.
Money's in my blood.
Maybe it'll kill the herpes virus.
You know why my class is doing so much better than yours, Deb? - Hmm? - Because they're being taught by someone who valet parks at the gym and wears pearls on the elliptical.
Your class is being taught by someone who lives in a tiny house and has to shower while they sit on a toilet.
I am teaching my kids that if they work hard, - one day - They won't sell any necklaces and end up broke? Tell you what.
when I win, I'll give you a slice of pizza.
Oh, we will destroy you, Richie Bitch.
Because the universe rewards hard work.
With a kick in the head by a mule? [GASPS.]
I will shove your dead grandfather's monocle up your tight, perfumed ass! He didn't have a monocle, you rube! Oh, look! A sex show right here in the teachers' lounge.
If you're gonna act like a topless dancer, Theresa, then you should be paid like one.
Wait, that was a 20.
Give that back.
Yeah, we were just trying to make a point, Theresa.
- [GASPS, SCOFFS.]
- Come on, Mary Louise.
I'm gonna need to borrow 20 bucks.
That was my lunch money.
[PLEASANT MUSIC.]
Hey, Cecelia.
I think it's great, the difference you're making - in these students' lives.
- Thanks.
You know what else would make a difference? You telling Principal Pearson my class' necklaces would be a great gift to give the faculty this Christmas.
Okay.
So see you later.
Girlfriend.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, chick-a-dee! Are your ears burning? 'Cause everybody's talking about you.
- Need some help? - You want to help me? I can't believe you're hanging posters.
You should be out discovering more geniuses.
Or asking Principal Pearson to allow lunchtime prayers.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why don't I go hang these up for you? - Hey, dog.
- Hey.
This is so weird.
Everyone's being so nice to me.
It's not weird.
Hey, I went out and grabbed you a sub.
You got me a veggie sub? Sure did.
Oh, you know what I was thinking could really help students artistically thrive? Mandatory afternoon siestas and Doritos breaks.
Just something to keep in mind next time you talk to Pearson.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Chop, chop, Leo.
Remember, the student who makes the most bracelets wins a pretty sticker.
- But where is Ms.
Fischer? - She's getting a well-deserved massage on me.
So I'm your boss preschool teacher now.
Now get back to work, everybody.
- You're outsourcing? - What? No.
They love doing this.
[SCOFFS.]
I was going crazy trying to figure out why we were losing.
It's not because you're better than me.
It's because you're cheating.
Being intelligent and finding a way to bend the rules is not cheating, Deb.
It's called working the system.
Grandpa Wolfgang died because his job was outsourced, and I am not gonna let that happen again.
I will avenge you, Grandpa Wolfgang! Ugh.
The working class is so dramatic.
Nice try, ignoring my exposed breast, Theresa.
I'm not ignoring it.
I just didn't notice.
[GASPS.]
How dare you insinuate that I have small breasts? That is a personal attack.
- No, I didn't mean - Yes! How dare you? They're not small.
They're petite and perky.
Unlike your big, full, round, giant - Mary Louise, you're not helping.
- Sorry.
You've awoken the beast, Theresa.
This is war! Art isn't a subject or a thing or a way of life.
- It's a feeling.
- It is.
It's a feeling.
That's what I always say.
You know it's art when you feel it's art.
- That's right.
- Absolutely.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
Before I discovered Chiclet, there were many other discoveries.
A bird feather floating across a morning pond.
ALL: Ahh.
A muddy footprint in the middle of a white sidewalk.
- Yes.
- Oh, I see that, yeah.
A plastic bag floating in the wind.
Like "American Beauty.
" I don't watch movies.
Never mind.
I am an uncultured idiot.
- Please continue.
- All of these discoveries helped prepare me for the creation of Chiclet.
- You created Chiclet? - In a sense.
I created the context in which his artistic bud could blossom.
- Ohh.
- Bud blossom.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[MONEY COUNTER WHIRRING.]
Thank you.
- Good.
- [MONEY COUNTER WHIRRING.]
- There's the cheater.
- Oh, please.
Caroline Ms.
Watson it has been brought to my attention that you've been outsourcing.
And that is not what the founders of the Fillmore mini-society had in mind.
- Seriously, Toby? - I'm sorry.
- You have to start over.
- [SCOFFS.]
Please don't hate me.
Huh.
Now that the playing field has been leveled, we're gonna win this thing the good old-fashioned way.
- Through hard work.
- Good luck.
Loser.
Okay, everyone, we can't outsource anymore.
So it looks like we're gonna have to make the bracelets ourselves.
No way.
You said manual labor was for chumps.
We're not making bracelets.
[JAZZY BASS MUSIC.]
Turkey roll-ups? Damn, art is fancy.
Which publication are you with? - Uh, I'm Kirby's dad.
- Okay.
Who here is press? Anyone? I'm so impressed that you hung the series yourself.
- I wanted it to be perfect.
- Can't wait to see it.
- Ms.
Cannon.
- Suzie Takamura! It's such a pleasure to finally meet you.
The Chicagoland art community is all abuzz.
Everyone is looking forward to the show.
You won't be disappointed.
Chiclet is a visionary genius.
Bonjour! Before unveiling tonight's masterpieces, I'd like to take a moment to recognize the woman who made all of this happen.
Ms.
Cecelia Cannon! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo! Ms.
Cannon, we'd like to present you with this gift.
It's a golden art cart! Yay! [GASPING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh.
Thank you.
Art is vital to our students.
I cannot stress that enough.
Art is vital to our students.
Without further ado, I present Chiclet! [CROWD GASPING.]
- What? - Oh, oh, my God.
- Oh! - What the hell is this? I don't know.
Chiclet hung these by himself.
- Did you pose for this? - No! Oh, my God, no! I've never seen them put together.
I'm pulling the "Gazette" article.
- No! - Wait, please! I have other talented students! Chiclet! This is what was in your imagination? Uh-huh.
I painted exactly what I saw.
I knew we should've traded you for those Friday staff barbecues.
No, Deb, I didn't pose for these, I swear.
I've always said art is for deviants and pedophiles.
- Toby! - You don't get to call me Toby anymore.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I spoke with Chiclet, and he admitted that you hadn't seen the paintings put together until the show.
He also confirmed that you didn't pose for him.
Although that doesn't make his work any less disturbing.
From now on, I'll make sure the grant money is used - for more school-appropriate art.
- Oh.
No, there's no grant money anymore.
- Wait, what? - Suzie Takamura contacted the Beaumont Foundation, and they've rescinded your grant.
You need to return all the money.
I can't! I spent the last of it on turkey roll-ups.
Well, lucky for you, someone offered to buy Chiclet's piece last night.
Really? Who? Mr.
Spinnoli.
Apparently, he's a puzzle enthusiast.
Thanks for sharing your winnings, Deb.
Mmm.
This is delicious.
Next year, I'm not gonna eat all my students' product and just hold out for the pizza.
I'm glad you could all enjoy it.
Grandpa Wolfgang would be so proud.
Where were you last night? You missed a scandalicious art show.
I was up all night making bracelets.
My students refused to do manual labor.
They won't even carry their own backpacks anymore.
You were right.
The values I taught them turned them into monsters.
I'm sorry, Deb.
I'm sorry for saying that I hope you choke to death - on your silver spoon.
- You never said that.
Oh, I guess I must've just thought that one.
Anyway, I'm sorry too.
Attention, everyone.
- Here we go again.
- Since Theresa Larson won't stop exposing herself, we've created a breast pumping station for her in the utility shed behind the playground equipment.
You can do there what you do here, Theresa.
Except there, you won't ruin people's lives.
- Breast pumping is normal.
- No, it's not.
- It's disgusting.
- No, you two are disgusting.
I'm really disappointed in both of you, and I never care about anything.
Yeah, get over your bullshit and start acting like normal human beings.
- But don't you think that it - No.
- But aren't breasts - Just leave.
- Where are we supposed to go? - Why don't you go to your shed? [GASPS.]
Thank you.
- Hey, Ms.
Watson.
- You can't be in here.
Relax.
The boys and I were talking, and we want our own pizza.
Davis, these are Fillmore bucks.
And here's a little something extra for you.
Pick yourself up a new headband, sweetheart.
- [SIGHS.]
- I feel terrible.
Me too.
We should apologize.
No.
About my breasts.
Chelsea, there's nothing wrong with your breasts.
But then again, I only saw the right one.
Maybe show me the left one?