Teachers (2016) s02e20 Episode Script

Labor Pains

1 [ROCK MUSIC] But when World War II ended, and the men came home, most of the women were forced to leave their jobs and go back to being housewives.
Like Geena Davis in "A League of Their Own'? Very good, Danny.
And while we're on that topic, in the movie, Dottie dropped the ball on purpose.
That's a fact, and it will be on the test.
[VOMITS] What? I'm pregnant.
[ROCK MUSIC] Tear it down I have stopped responding to anyone on OkCupid whose profile pic isn't a photo of their abs taken in a bathroom mirror.
It's called respect.
Have you found a stomach you like? Actually I found three.
Wowee! How are you gonna choose? I'm not.
I'm too good not to share.
Monogamy is for ugly people.
Well, be sure to save some time for your BFF.
Hot Dad's working for Animal Rescue Without Borders.
He's going to Venezuela all summer to save stray foreign dogs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Venezuela? You should be worried, girl.
Venezuela is full of hot, sweaty, Latin women.
But I'm a cold, clammy, pale woman.
Ready for lunch? I hope you don't mind.
I invited my Spanish tutor.
This is Estrella.
- And where are you from? - Venezuela.
And there, she's like a four.
- [GASPS] - ALL: Congratulations! [SIGHS] Who told you idiots? I text with some of the popular kids in your class.
What? We get each other.
How could you not have told us? [GASPS] We have to throw you a baby shower! So, are you going to keep teaching, - or are you retiring? - Uh, chill, Stepford.
I'm not retiring.
This isn't the 1940s.
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] Happy retirement day, mother to be.
Aw, you girls are top notch.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to bake you a cake, but I couldn't get any sugar because of the rations.
- I blame the Nazis.
- We all do.
Debbie, you're so lucky you're gonna be a mother.
Any of us would gladly trade places with you.
I will! I'll do it! You seem down in the dumps, Mary Louise, what's cooking? I can't stop thinking about Hot Diggity Dad.
He's shipping out with the 8th Division this weekend and I'm worried he's gonna forget about me.
Oh, he'll be back soon.
And then you can get married, pregnant, and leave work forever.
It's what every girl wants.
Give me one more on the kisser, soldier boy.
- I'm gonna miss you, Chels.
- You're the only fella for me.
You know that, right? I'm gonna write you a letter every day.
Gee, that's swell.
And when I'm storming the beaches, it's gonna be your pretty mug I'll be picturing as I slaughter the enemy.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Well, I've got a little something to help you remember my pretty mug.
This is just for you.
[WOLF WHISTLE] You're aces, kid.
Hey, Cecelia, can we gab for a second? - Sure.
What's eatin' you? - I'm having these strange feelings, and you're the only one I feel comfortable talking to because you wear pants.
I know exactly what you're gonna say, and it's not too late.
I know a doctor who can help you.
You just have to go to the alley behind Main Street What? No! - I want to keep the baby.
- Oh.
I'm having second thoughts about retiring.
I know women are supposed to only want to be mothers, but I really love teaching.
- Am I nuts? - No, you're not.
Plenty of other women feel the same.
Other mothers enjoy working? - But I feel so guilty.
- Don't worry.
Things are changing.
75 years from now, I bet we'll have a woman president.
Well, if she's more qualified than the man she's running against, how could she not win? [PLAYING LIVELY PIANO MUSIC] Cut the music, Spinnoli! For Pete's sake, Chelsea! The Fillmore Fillies are a trio, not a duo.
We're supposed to be practicing the choreography - for our show tomorrow! - Yeah, how many letters are you gonna write to that soldier anyway? Oh, I'm not writing just one soldier, Anna Jane.
I'm writing a whole bunch.
- You Sheba.
- Oh, pipe down.
I'm just doing my part for the war effort.
And how exactly is that helping the war effort? By keeping up morale.
After these guys see a photo of me in my bathing suit, a German tank could roll over them, and they'd crawl out from under it to get back to me.
- Photos keep 'em interested? - Yeah.
You gotta show him something he's never seen before.
Now finish your lickin' so we can get back to rehearsing.
Oh, I am never done lickin'.
ALL: Chelsea! [JAZZY MUSICAL FLOURISH] Principal Pearson, I've given this a lot of thought, and I'd like to keep teaching at Fillmore.
But you're, - you know - Pregnant? There's no need to be crass, Mrs.
Adler.
What about after your baby arrives? How exactly will you manage to work and raise a child? Well, my husband's a musician.
I know, and we hired you despite that.
He works nights, so I thought he could take care of the baby during the day while I work.
Your husband? Taking care of your baby? So your child will sit in its excrement and urine for eight hours until you come home? My husband could change the diapers.
Enough of this nonsense! The Fillmore Code of Conduct explicitly states that no woman who has children shall be allowed to teach.
Principal Pearson, I'm a swell teacher.
- And just because I'll have a - It's forbidden! Our Code of Conduct says no, and that's the way it is.
Same goes for sodomy.
Listen.
I'm a man.
If we know anything, it's what's good for a woman.
Just looking out for you and your baby's best interest.
Here.
Have a Scotch.
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] Tear it down I can't believe I let you talk me into wearing a tie.
Who are we? Cecelia? Everybody, shut your traps! The mail just came and you all need to watch me open it.
[GASPS] Gee whiz! Take a gander at this! A plane named after me! If that doesn't scare the Nazis, I don't know what will.
- [GIGGLES] - [GASPS] Another plane named after you? You practically have a whole squadron.
You've gone khaki-wacky, Chelsea.
What are you gonna do when these soldiers come home and find out you're a real tramp? Look out, Rita Hayworth.
There's a new star in the sky.
Wasn't that the cat's pajamas? Next up, on Freedom Radio, "Don't Leave Me empty-handed," by The Bonobo Orchestra.
There's my cookie.
[WHISPERS] Hot Diggity Dad.
Holy mackerel! A picnic? For me? Yes! I just realized how much I'm gonna miss you when you ship out.
Are those cheese sandwiches? Oh, boy, these look delicious.
For you.
Mary Louise, what are these? Parts of my body you've never seen before.
You know, for you to look at while you're away.
Holy mackerel! - Is that your - Elbow.
Is something wrong? Didn't realize you were ready to show me all of this.
Now that you're going away so soon, I am.
That's your elbow, huh? [SOLEMN JAZZ MUSIC] - You sent for me? - Mrs.
Adler after our disturbing conversation yesterday, I thought a medical professional should counsel you on your - you know, your - Pregnancy? Please stop using that word.
Hello, Mrs.
Adler.
My name is Dr.
Lennon, and I'm an obstetrician.
Do you know what that means? Of course.
I'm not a dummy.
Oh, we've got a real quick one here, Toby! Yes, she's a real pepper pot.
I hear you've been talking gobbledygook about wanting to return to work after giving birth.
That's right.
You're not using logic right now.
That can happen when you're sauced on hormones.
No, I'm thinking clearly.
I can work after having my baby.
Sure, until one day you're standing in front of your class and your uterus falls out.
You don't want that, do ya? Think of the children.
[TENSE MUSICAL STING] That's a drawing.
You'd be a lot happier if you thought less.
Have you ever considered a lobotomy? [TENSE MUSICAL STING] Make sure her husband gets this.
- Will do, Doctor.
- Hmm.
And don't forget to shake those gams at tonight's dance, where our very own Fillmore Fillies will be singing for our brave boys overseas.
So he didn't like the photographs? - You think he's a queer? - Oh, applesauce! I hope not.
Hmm.
Abner! I said eyes to the corner! You gotta do something more drastic.
[GASPS] I've got it! Bring him to see the Fillmore Fillies croonin' tonight, pull him onto the dance floor, and do "The Tootie Squeeze.
" It'll be a gas.
What? No! Pastor Theodore says that dance is for good-time girls and gangsters.
Oh, hush.
It'll get his blood boiling.
It'll be a night he'll never forget.
Chelsea! - There's my girl! - Oh! I came back for you, sweetheart.
Hey doll.
This is my best friend Mary Louise.
Mary Louise, this is I'm sorry.
What's your name? [PATRIOTIC MUSIC] R.
Hamler.
Mary Louise, this is R.
Hamler! I've told you about my dearest R.
Hamler a million times, you numbskull.
How could you forget my number one sweetie R.
Hamler's name? R.
Hamler, please forgive my fat-head friend.
She's got the memory of a goldfish.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Oh R.
Ever since I told Pearson I didn't want to leave my job, he's been treating me like I belong in the loony bin.
- Sounds like you do.
- You know, some women do work after pregnancy.
Yeah.
Prostitutes.
You ladies need to open your minds.
I have something to show you.
Come with me.
Hey, hand me that socket wrench.
This my wrench! What is this? Some kind of garage? - Yeah.
- But how? It's all girls.
Hey, sugar.
Mmm, hi.
[BOTH MOAN SOFTLY] This is Judy.
She runs this place, and she's my roommate.
Since most of the men have gone to war, these women have stepped up, and a lot of them are mothers to boot.
- So I'm not bonkers.
- No.
Get a load of that.
- [GASPS] Yowzas! - Wow! Oh, wait.
If there's no men here, then who tells the women what to do? I do.
[LAUGHS] - Oh.
- But what about their babies? With their mothers working, don't they turn out to be murderers, or God forbid, homosexuals? You know, it's not No.
No, the kids are right as rain.
We're a community.
We support each other, and help with childcare when needed.
So what do you say? After seeing all of this, should we go back and tell Principal Pearson that Debbie should be allowed to stay on the job? - Yeah! - You bet ya! Cecelia, I think it's so keen that you have a roommate to split the bills with until you find a man.
Mm-hmm.
[GRUNTS] - There she is.
- What's happening here? - What kind of a woman are you? - Excuse me? We know all about your plans to abandon your child and return to work.
You're disgusting! It's bad enough you're abusing your own child.
- Stay away from ours! - Yeah! You make me wanna yak.
I hope you're happy.
These are members of One Thousand Moms! It's your cockeyed ideas that are responsible for this.
They're not cockeyed.
Mrs.
Adler should be allowed to continue working.
- [WOMEN GASP] - The Fillmore Code of Conduct will never be broken! [PLAYING UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] ALL: I'm sending an ahoy to you sweet sailor boy My heart has been a wreck Since you first swabbed my deck When I climbed your long mast sailor boy I fell fast And now that you're gone, I still love you so You made me boy-crazy with your big torpedo Sailor boy come home because I'm dreaming and hoping If the front door's closed you know the back door is open - Ooh ooh there you are - Hey, barkeep.
A gin and tonic for the guy, and a Shirley Temple for his doll, and give me extra maraschino cherries.
We're going on a bender.
Mary Louise, I've never seen you dressed like this before.
Is everything okay? What's with all the questions? You're just trying to hide what a ducky shincracker you are.
Oh, you know I'm no good at dancing.
ALL: Ooh ooh there you are [APPLAUSE] Thanks, gang.
The Fillmore Fillies are gonna take a quick break.
Now here's a racy little number that'll get your gams moving.
It's "The Tootie Squeeze"! [APPLAUSE] "The Tootie Squeeze"! Let's do it! No, Mary Louise, that's not for me.
Don't be such a cold fish.
Come on! [LIVELY SWING MUSIC PLAYS] Hey Ho Oh hey Cookie! Let's go, dreamboat.
Shake those hips! - Please.
- Ah, come on, big boy! Yeah Tootie squeeze - Stop! - [RECORD SCRATCHES, SONG STOPS] Mary Louise, this isn't you.
What are you doing? I wanted you to have the hots for me.
[SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC] - What's going on? - I thought I had to do something wild so you wouldn't forget me.
Well, that's crazy.
You don't need any of this fluff to make me remember you.
I only have eyes for you.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS] - Hubba hubba! - Oh, jeez.
Sorry, cookie.
I gotta get back to base or they're gonna think I've gone AWOL.
Hot Diggity Soldier.
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] [APPLAUSE] That was better than the Andrews Sisters! It sure was.
Boy, oh, boy, you were great.
- Oh, you really think so? - Go on.
- I know.
- What's up, Debbie? Is your girdle cutting off your circulation again? No, I'm just down in the dumps after what happened today.
Why doesn't anyone believe that I can keep my job and still do what's best for my baby? We need to show Pearson what we think of his crummy rules.
I have an idea.
Chelsea! Hey, Chelsea! - [GASPS] Hot damn! - What's wrong? Another one of my soldiers came home.
Let's use the back door.
Chelsea, it's me! I've come back for ya! We gotta hightail it out of here.
[GASPS] The side door! It's quicker! Has anyone seen my girl Chelsea Snap? - R.
Hamler.
- Chelsea Snap's my girl.
They must have got your head when they got that leg.
- Chelsea's my dame.
- What are you two wise guys saying about my sweetie? Hey, take a powder, Cyclops.
- Yeah? - [GRUNTS] [CROWD GASPS] Come on! [LAUGHS] [MEN GRUNTING] Get up! Come here! - [GRUNTS] - [CROWD GASPS] - Whoa! - [WOMEN GASP] - Get him! - Yeah? - [MEN GRUNTING] - [LAUGHS] [GRUNTING CONTINUES] I need to borrow this.
- [GRUNTS] - Oh! Chels? Tear it down [OMINOUS MUSIC] What's all this, ladies? It's after 8:00 a.
m.
- Go to your rooms.
- We're not going anywhere.
Especially me.
Now stay out of my way, or you'll get a knuckle sandwich! Call the coppers! Call Dr.
Lennon! Help! Ah! [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC] We're done with your stupid rules.
- Yeah, you old fuddy duddy.
- The future is female! Not the Code of Conduct! It was written by great men over 80 years ago and protects us from sodomy! - We need a change around here.
- And by the way, a woman can have an orgasm without a man.
- La la la la la - How do I know? We've all done it with our fingers! The rules aren't going away because you did that.
You tearing it up doesn't actually mean anything! Means a lot to me! [LAUGHTER] ALL: Aww! - Happy baby shower.
- This means a lot to me.
We're super stoked for you, dog.
If you need a midwife, I'm happy to help.
I have a beautiful place in Humboldt Park where I've delivered two homeless women's babies.
Thanks, but I'd rather not give birth on a bed of hypodermic needles.
And if you need a baby-sitter, Mary Louise will do it.
- Okay, bye.
- You can't leave yet.
I was just about to go get the cake.
I only eat cake in a dark closet on Tuesdays at 2:00 p.
m.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting one of my OkCupid hotties for the first time.
Mrs.
Adler, I just wanted to stop by and say congratulations.
Although I won't be your principal next year, I should remind you that, after your delivery, the district requires you to return to work in four weeks.
- [SCOFFS] - Hmm? - Mmm.
- You do not do that.
[ROCK MUSIC] Unh-uh.
[WHISPERS] Hot Boyfriend.
[NORMAL VOICE] Hola, my tall glass of agua.
I'm just going to get Deb's cake.
What are you doing here? Well, I was just thinking about how much I'm gonna miss you when I'm in Venezuela, so I thought I'd stop by.
- Can I tell you something? - Sure.
I'm a little nervous about all the hot, sweaty, Latin women.
[CHUCKLES] Sweaty? Uh-huh.
Well, you have nothing to be nervous about.
[SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC] I know it might sound old-fashioned, but I only have eyes for you.
- You do? - Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS] [MUSIC FADES OUT] Mary Louise? Mary Louise? [WHISPERS] Okay.
[GRUNTS] Ah, there we go.
[ROCK MUSIC] Tear it down BOTH: Aww! That was fast.
What happened to your date? It's over already.
He only knew me by my screen name, and when I told him my real name, he got upset and walked out of the restaurant.
- Why? - Apparently his grandfather died in World War II in a plane named "The Chelsea.
" [GASPS] I think this is the universe's way of punishing me for stringing along so many guys! - It's okay.
- No! It was devastating! As he walked away, I saw his firm ass.
So firm.
Hey, I was just in the supply closet getting more plastic cups, and I found this old photo.
It says, "The Fillmore Six.
" Oh, yes, that's from the 1940s.
They were a group of feminist teachers who wanted to change the way that women were treated at Fillmore.
- That's awesome.
- Unfortunately, they were all sent to a psychiatric ward and were never released.
Well, at least they look happy.
That's because of the lobotomies.
[SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC] - That's awful.
- Oh, my God.
Ohh.
[ROCK MUSIC] Tear it down Tear it down Tear it down Tear it down Oh, yeah.