Teachers (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

Gender Bender

1 [HEART BEATING] There's the little peanut pie.
I can't believe that thing's inside of me.
I feel like that guy in "Alien.
" [IMITATES BURSTING SOUNDS] Never seen it.
I don't care for Sigourney Weaver.
Oh, and there's her little heart beating.
Her? Oh! You wanted the gender to be a surprise.
Well, surprise! Ha, it's a girl.
No, I need to have a boy.
Are you sure? I mean, what's that? That looks like a penis, right? That's her finger, - and there are ten of them - [SIGHS] So thank God they aren't penises, right? [LAUGHS] I mean, you would still love her, of course.
Hey, why don't we take your mind off this and swab your vagina for strep? You can get strep in your vagina? Oh, yeah.
It's the throat of the thighs.
Step right up, my little honor roll astronauts.
Our space bus is about to blast off to the magical planet of Arium.
The "planet-arium.
" Planetarium.
[LAUGHS] Don't you just love field trips? They make me feel like a kid again.
No, they suck.
The kids go insane.
It's like a prison break, but instead of shivs, they have fidget spinners.
Do we have everyone? Everyone but Nancy Sullivan.
Has anyone seen Nancy Sullivan? Nancy? Oh, well, we gave it our best shot.
Let's go.
Chelsea, we can't leave when a student's gone missing.
- We're chaperones.
- So? Okay.
I'll go find Nancy.
No, I'll go.
I don't wanna be on the bus any longer than I have to.
It already smells like hot bologna and milk farts in there.
Dibs on going with Chelsea! Ooh, better luck next time, Caroline.
You gotta be quick.
Yeah you win.
Jordan, let me see those animal crackers.
Oh, yeah, these are expired.
You don't wanna eat 'em.
I'll throw them away for you.
Baby's making you hungry, huh? Baby's making me depressed.
I just found out I'm having a girl.
[GASPS] Oh, my Gaia! That's wonderful.
- Congratulations.
- No, it isn't.
Having a girl terrifies me, and I've had a Willem Dafoe sex dream.
Why is having a girl scarier than having a boy? I don't know how to relate to girls.
You know you are one, right? Yeah, but I'm not your typical girl.
They're high-maintenance and emotional, and I hate princesses and pink and girly garbage.
Deb, do you even realize how sexist you sound? Not all girls are like that.
[GIRLS GIGGLING IN BACK] I get Cody Simpson, and you have to take Harry Styles.
No, no, other way around.
You were saying? You know what? Today we're sitting with the girls.
What no, no! It's like "My Little Pony" banged a Bratz doll back there.
- [GIRLS GIGGLING] - Hey, gals.
ALL: Hi, Ms.
Cannon.
Hi.
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC] - Nancy? - Nancy? Isn't Nancy a weird name for a kid? I feel like if you're named Nancy, you automatically have two kids and a FUPA.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, and you call boxed wine your "sassy juice.
" BOTH: Nancy? Ugh, trying to find a missing child is so hard.
I'm, like, starving.
Oh, let's swoop by the teachers' lounge.
I have my ten hardboiled eggs in there for the week.
You can have them all.
Ew, I haven't eaten yolk since the '90s.
If we're gonna find this girl, we need to carb up.
I'll have Meal Chauffeur deliver us something from Le Kru'ton.
What's Le Kru'ton? Only the most popular new salad place in the Chicagoland area.
They're like the Baskin Robbins of croutons, except they have 72 flavors instead of 31.
And they're croutons.
- Oh.
- What do you want? I'll have whatever you're having.
Two Create Your Own Kru'ton Combos coming up.
- Nancy? - Can you not? I'm trying to place an order here.
There, done.
Karen will be here in 30 minutes.
Delivery woman? Damn, Karen.
Resist.
[ROCK MUSIC] Okay, everybody, while we're waiting for Nancy, why don't we all enjoy a healthy snack? You know what they say, an apple a day Phil? Ugh.
God, Phil, throw me a bone here.
All aboard! The Braid Train is leaving Hair Station.
Next stop, Updos! So, Mrs.
Adler, what's your husband like? - Is he cute? - No.
Just kidding.
Yeah, he's cute in a Bilbo Baggins kind of way.
[GIRLS GIGGLE] Why do they laugh so much? Wanna find out how many babies you're gonna have? I already know.
One.
After this, I'm getting my tubes tied into a bow, because it's a gift to never be pregnant again.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Okay, sure! - Pick a color.
- Black.
There is no black.
Then I guess I'm out.
Okay, why don't we play something different? [GASPS] Can we give you guys makeovers? Sounds fun! Right, Deb? - Sure - [GIRLS GIGGLE] Just be gentle.
I use a lot of retinol.
- Ms.
Watson? - Yes, Neil? Daniel won't let me sit next to him.
Daniel, there is plenty of room there.
That seat's for two.
It's already taken.
My best friend, Johnny Ravioli, is sitting here.
Is Johnny Ravioli your imaginary friend? No, he's real, and you're disturbing him.
He's trying to read "Girl on the Train.
" [CHUCKLES] Oh, well, I'm very sorry for disturbing him, but do you think you could ask Johnny to stand in the aisle so Neil can sit down? I can't believe you're asking him to stand up! - He was here first.
- Well, I am, so please thank Mr.
Ravioli for understanding.
What about Johnny's apple? Apples are only for students, Daniel.
But Johnny Ravioli was running late this morning and didn't get to have his bagel and lox.
Okay, Johnny can have one apple.
Why'd you just touch Johnny's wiener? - What? - You touched his wiener! [STAMMERS] I can assure you, Daniel, that I did not touch anybody's wiener.
Uh sit somewhere else, Neil! Apple time's over! [ROCK MUSIC] Ta-da! [GIGGLES] We look like sex dolls that got left out in the sun.
- You don't like it? - Of course she does.
Mrs.
Adler just means the makeup is a little Halloweeny.
I can't wait for Halloween.
I'm gonna be Belle from "Beauty and the Beast.
" - And I'm gonna be Rapunzel! - And I'm gonna be Snow White! You know Snow White was drugged and assaulted, right? - Deb! - And Belle's a clear case of Stockholm syndrome.
And don't even get me started on Rapunzel.
It's like if the movie "Room" were a fairy tale.
- But I love Rapunzel.
- Get serious, Danica.
If someone was climbing up your hair, your scalp would rip right off.
- All right, I'm done.
- Wha what's wrong? [SIGHS] I can't be around your toxic energy anymore.
You're not even trying! Little girls aren't the problem.
You are.
I'm taking a walk.
And you should be terrified to have a little girl.
She's gonna need a lot of therapy.
[SCOFFS] You never watched "Rainbow Brite"? - What about "Care Bears"? - No.
My parents didn't like that when they did the Care Bear Stare, they led with their crotch.
Sometimes I don't know how to respond to your stories.
Where is Karen? How hard is it to drive somewhere with food? - I'm famished.
- Me too.
I'm so hungry, I could eat you! We talked about tickling.
Oh, my God.
[SCOFFS] she went to the wrong side of the building.
There are so many stupid people in this world.
[SCOFFS] Why? When I see her, I'm gonna ream her out.
[LAUGHS] Just kidding.
I'm gonna say thank you and take my bag.
Ha! Nancy? Nancy? No? Okay.
How long does it take to find a kid? [CHILDREN YELLING] Uh, listen up, everyone! I spy, uh, something red.
When are we leaving? When everyone gets on the bus, Neil.
Johnny Ravioli's bored.
Oh I'm sorry.
What would Johnny Ravioli like to do? He says it's not his job to think of things for us to do.
He says if you were a responsible teacher, you would've made a contingency plan.
Well, tell Johnny Ravioli thank you for the feedback.
I'll take it into consideration.
Now, I'm gonna get more specific.
I spy something autumnal red.
Johnny says this game is insipid.
"Insipid"? Where did you learn that word? I didn't.
I don't know that word.
Okay, everybody, Quiet Caterpillar.
[SHUSHING] Johnny says that's such a condescending way to ask children to settle down.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
He says maybe you should try to, I don't know, relate to children like they're actual human beings? [WHISTLE BLOWS] This bus is out of control! Now, everybody sit down and shut your mouths! Except Johnny Ravioli, of course.
He still has to stand in the aisle.
How do you like them apples? I don't understand.
How can the app say she's on the playground? - We were just there.
- I'm seriously starving.
Like, I could die.
Where is she? Are you looking for me? I'm sorry for holding everyone up.
- Is your name Karen? - No.
Then we're not looking for you.
Wait! [BUILDING MUSIC] Have you seen a woman with a bag of food? - No? - [SIGHS] Rats.
Mary Louise her icon disappeared off the map.
[OMINOUS MUSIC] She's gone.
I'm calling her.
It went straight to voicemail! Chelsea Karen's missing.
BOTH: Karen! [ALL SOBBING] Come on, stop crying.
I'm sorry I said that "MASH" game isn't real.
It's just, statistically, most of you won't ever live in a mansion.
So I'll never marry Cody Simpson? You might, but at that point, he'll probably be in rehab.
[GIRLS SOBBING] I'm just trying to be honest with you guys.
Uh, I hate it when adults lie.
The truth is, you'll probably end up settling for a guy you wouldn't have dreamed of dating in your 20s.
[GIRLS SOBBING] I'm gonna go wash this crap off my face.
STUDENTS: [CHANTING] Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Deb, what are you doing? STUDENTS: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Okay, we will leave when they get Nanc STUDENTS: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! [AIR HORN HONKS, STUDENTS GROAN] How dare you throw an apple core at me! From here on out, everybody stays seated and silent.
Got it? I can't believe I have to clean up after you.
[FART NOISE] [STUDENTS LAUGH] - Who did that? - Johnny Ravioli.
Well, it better not happen again.
I mean it.
[FART NOISE] [STUDENTS LAUGH] Okay, that's it.
Listen up, Johnny, I have been putting up with you all day, and I am sick of it! So help me, God, you better uh.
Don't you walk away from me, Johnny Ravioli.
Hey, you can't get off the bus.
Johnny? Where's he going? I don't know.
[TENSE MUSIC] Johnny, look out! There's a car coming! [ALL GASP] - [CAR HONKING] - No, Johnny, no! - [CAR CRASHES] - The car hit him! [CHILDREN GASPING] Oh, thank goodness, he's getting up.
He could still pull through.
Oh, my God! No! - [TRUCK CRASHES] - A garbage truck hit him! His intestines are all wrapped up in the wheel.
Two hit-and-runs.
How could this possibly happen? [STUDENTS CRYING] Johnny's dead! [CHUCKLING] [STUDENTS SOBBING] [SOMBER PIANO MUSIC] I came by to see if you need any help.
Excuse me! Have you seen this girl? Ugh.
Hey! You! Have you seen this woman? She's missing.
Her name is Karen.
Maybe we should call Meal Chauffeur.
It's no use.
They don't consider her a missing delivery person until it's been at least an hour.
This is crazy.
I mean, it's like these people don't have croutons of their own.
I mean, what if it was one of their croutons? BOTH: Karen! [ROCK MUSIC] [GRUNTS] Hello? Who's in there? [QUIETLY] It's Nancy.
Nancy, we've been looking for you.
What are you doing in the faculty bathroom? - Hiding.
- Why? I don't wanna talk about it.
Can you open the door? What's going on? I think I pooped my pants but in the front.
Oh, Nancy, you didn't poop your pants.
You got your period.
And you're in luck, because if there is one thing I'm queen of, it's menstruation.
I know there are better things to be queen of, but what I'm saying here is, I've got your back, girl.
I don't wanna have my period.
Just wait until you're in your 20s.
You'll thank your lucky stars every time you get it.
Why did it have to come so soon? I'm nine.
It's all the hormones in your milk, kid.
Look, I know it's a little early, but your body is starting to mature, and that's a good thing.
I mean, you're gonna have to deal with cramps and lower back pain, and guys asking you if you're on your period just because you're in a bad mood, which, by the way, is not okay.
But you're also on your way to becoming a woman.
I mean, you're nine, so don't take that like, "Oh, you have to be a real grown-up" yet, It's just, you've joined the club ahead of a lot of your friends, and that's kinda rad.
I know this feels really annoying and gross right now, but this is a really special moment in your life.
Thanks, Mrs.
Adler.
I can't believe I got my first period on a bus.
Oh, don't feel bad.
I got mind at a Korn concert.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING] Why is my neck wet? Why is my neck wet?! What's on my neck?! What's on my neck?! I think we should have a celebration.
Hmm? [SOFT PIANO MUSIC] I'd like to take a moment of silence for my dear friend, Johnny.
You could've put him in jail.
Why'd you go straight to murder? I don't know, okay? It was a mistake.
Thank you.
Jonathan Pumpkin Ravioli died just shy of his 67th birthday.
He was a senior citizen? He had many occupations throughout his life: soldier, small-business owner, and collector of antique lighting fixtures.
But his favorite job was that of a husband and a father.
He is survived by his wife of 43 years, Barbara Ravioli, and his three children, Alfredo [IN ITALIAN ACCENT] Bolognese and Clam Sauce Ravioli and his dog Three-Cheese.
I've affected so many lives.
[MICROWAVE BEEPS] No period pizza party is complete without the pizza.
Thanks, Mrs.
Adler.
I had no idea you were so cool.
Hmm, all it took was pizza, huh? No, it's not that.
I was really freaked out, and you made me feel a lot better.
Aw.
Well, Nancy, I think you're cool too.
And I actually like your frilly socks, which is something new for me.
Do we have to get back to the bus? Mm they can wait.
Let's play one more game of Pin the Pad on the Uterus.
- Yeah? - [GIGGLES] [STIRRING STRING MUSIC] Okay - [GIGGLES] - There you go.
[STAMMERS] [CHEERS] Oh! BOTH: Karen! Thank God! [OVERJOYED MURMURING] Uh, yeah, sorry, the app's a little buggy today.
- Oh, we were worried sick.
- Are you okay? - Did anyone hurt you? - No.
Don't you ever scare us like that again, do you hear me? Now you go back to Meal Chauffeur and think about what you've done, young lady.
And we'll figure out how we're gonna handle this.
Okay.
Again, I I'm sorry.
Just please don't Yelp about this.
Hmm.
We'll see.
- Utensils? - Yeah.
- Okay, good.
Thanks.
- Okay.
Hey I'm sorry I was such a dick.
And I'm sorry I said your daughter would need a lot of therapy.
I think you'll be a great mom.
I think so too.
And I'm actually really excited about having a girl.
What took you so long? There's been two hit-and-runs, a death, and a funeral.
Don't worry, everyone.
We found her.
- No, you didn't.
- Oh, really? Then how did we get these, fool? What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? - Nancy.
Right Nancy, where were you? We looked everywhere.
But we talked in the hall.
Bus driver! We're all here.
Let's go.
[ALL CHEER] Oh, my God! You're gonna hit Johnny! [TIRES SCREECH, ALL SCREAM] [GRUNTING] [GROANS] [GROANING] Daniel Johnny Ravioli's dead, remember? I know.
It was his ghost.
Now he's immortal.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] Very well behaved at the planetarium, everyone.
Guys, I don't wanna do [GROANS] - Mrs.
Adler? - Yeah? I've been elected to talk to you on behalf of the boys of Fillmore Elementary.
- Okay.
- We've been made aware that you throw girls parties when they get their periods.
Boys don't have periods, so what do we get? Entitlement.
Did I stutter? Good-bye.
[ROCK MUSIC] Great sweater.