Teachers (2016) s03e20 Episode Script
Wedded Miss
1 - Happy wedding day, girl! - Thanks.
I've dreamt about this day my whole life, and I can't wait to spend it getting ready with all of you.
I don't have any siblings due to my mom's corn silo accident, but I've got you.
Thanks for being here for me.
- Here's something old.
- Oh.
I made them from petrified owl pellets.
- Thank you.
- Here's something new.
You've had the same tube of Carmex since I met you five years ago.
It's unsettling.
Thanks.
[SNIFFS.]
Uh, I wasn't aware there'd be gifts since I was not on the email chain because I'm not a bridesmaid, but, uh Here, something borrowed.
It's Tiffany's, hence the borrowed.
I will need that back.
- And here's something blue.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Is this lubricant? - Yeah.
- But it's not blue.
It's for something blue.
Hot Dad's balls.
[RAPHAEL LAKE'S "TEACH YA".]
Wow.
Look at these.
I was still feeling sad about not being chosen as a bridesmaid, but seeing your dresses makes me feel much better.
- Get out of my way.
- Look who's here.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Meemaw, you made it! [LAUGHS.]
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
No, Mom.
No, not yet.
- Love is patient.
- No, the wedding's not - for a few hours, Mom.
- Love is kind.
It's a tradition that my mother reads from 1 Corinthians at family weddings.
This might be her last wedding, so it's so special that she's here to do the reading.
Meemaw, I wanna introduce you to the most important woman in my entire life, Chelsea Snap, and my other friends too.
Chelsea, would you mind watching Meemaw while we get ready? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
I'm so sorry, but I can't.
I'm allergic to whatever it is that makes old people smell the way they do.
I'd love to help, but as the attendant, I'll be too busy organizing the towlettes for the bathroom.
- Can you? - Okay, Meemaw.
Looks like it's you and me today.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Just let me know whatever it is you need.
All right.
- Mom.
- Yes? Why don't you come with me so I can show you the finishing touches they put on my dress? So where is Cecelia? Did she go pick up the rings? Yes, but since it's the last day of teacher contract negotiations, she stopped by the protest.
Salary cuts.
We won't take it, so don't ask.
ALL: We won't take it, so don't ask.
We won't take it up the ass! ALL: We won't take it up the ass! No, no, no, no! That's not what I said! I did not say that! I can't believe Cecelia's late as a bridesmaid.
It's like, have some respect for your job.
Speaking of, listen up, bridesmaids.
Because I'm the most snatched maid of honor ever hashtag fact not fiction I booked an esthetician - to pamper us.
- Wow, thanks, Chelsea.
I said bridesmaids.
Who wants to go first? Okay, fine, I'll go.
[LAUGHS.]
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay! She's such a beast.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Where's Meemaw? [ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hey, there he is.
- Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
The big guy himself.
Pastor Ted.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, well, I'm I'm gonna start getting ready.
Nope.
They're exterminating in there.
It's very unsafe.
But don't worry, you can use my office to get dressed.
Oh, that's okay, I can just use the bathroom.
Nope, the stalls in there are too small.
Too hard to get legs into pants.
It's gonna need to be my office.
Come with me.
Come on.
Come on, this way.
This way.
[BOTH SHOUT.]
Oh, sorry, I wasn't clear.
I need to use this room as well to change so [ROCK MUSIC.]
Meemaw? She can barely walk.
How far could she have gotten? Two summers ago, I saw June Squip in a Zumba class.
Old women can be deceptively spry.
Meemaw? Oh, God.
We can't be gone for much longer.
Mary Louise is gonna wonder why we're not getting ready with her.
[GASPS.]
[SNEAKY MUSIC.]
Okay, Caroline, we get it.
You're white.
- You love tennis.
- No, Deb.
It's from Meemaw's walker.
Clearly I'm better at tracking.
You go cover while I hunt the old girl down.
[SNIFFS.]
She's close.
I I've been trying to talk her into more curls, you know? Hey, hey, look at you two in your robes.
There you are! Where are the other girls? Caroline's making sure that the altar is clean for the ceremony.
You know how she is.
Uh, Cecelia's polishing the rings, and Chelsea's with an esthetician.
- That one's actually true.
- Where's Meemaw? She's in the bathroom.
I think she drank too many Ensures.
I hope she's okay.
She's gotta do the reading later.
Oh, no, stay here.
She's fine.
It's just a normal poop, not diarrhea.
How do you know? I was in there for the beginning of it.
And it, uh, was just your average plopping, - not that running water noise.
- Debra.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
They aren't budging on any of our demands.
Unbelievable.
Fascists.
Step back, please.
Excuse me, officer.
We're just trying to have a peaceful - [THUDS.]
- [GROANS.]
- Get down! - No! [ALL SCREAMING.]
What did you just do? [ROCK MUSIC.]
Meemaw? Are you in here? What's wrong? [CRYING.]
Hello? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Meemaw? [BOTH SCREAMING.]
I'm ruined! [CRYING.]
What happened? - She did.
- I'm so sorry! They didn't cover adverse reactions in the six-hour online course.
Oh, my God! Get out, get out, get out! Jesus.
You got that from a facial? Yes! [CRYING.]
And a chemical peel, cupping, lipid cheek injections, and some very basic Botox, but it shouldn't look like this! I can't walk down the aisle like this.
Cancel the wedding! It's not your wedding to cancel.
Now get it together.
Mary Louise is waiting for us! Hey, I can hear you all the way down the hall.
We've got a problem.
Cecelia is in jail.
- [CRYING.]
- Holy fuck, what is that thing? - It's Chelsea.
- [CRYING.]
Chelsea, I'm sorry I called you a thing.
It just took me a few seconds to recognize you as a human.
Leave me alone! [CRYING.]
Great, Chelsea won't come out, Cecelia's locked up with the rings, and Meemaw's gone AWOL.
Mary Louise is gonna freak.
No, she's not because she's not gonna find out.
How? This day is screwed.
Listen to me.
I have been a maid of honor 20 times, and something always goes awry on the big day.
You keep looking for Meemaw.
I'll call Kyle to see if he can talk Chelsea out.
What about Cecelia, hmm? Her bail's $2,000.
I don't have that kind of cash, and I know you don't.
Rude.
Okay, I'll work on getting the money.
Just find Meemaw.
She has a walker, Deb.
It's honestly embarrassing we haven't found her yet.
You know, I don't understand why we have to have this conversation in our underwear.
Marriage is a really big decision, and I feel like there's some kind of internal struggle - that you're dealing with.
- No.
Yeah, yeah, just an unstoppable desire.
It's undulating beneath your skin.
- [DOOR OPENING.]
- Ah! Oh, this is where the men are changing.
You fellas have the right idea.
Let's get out of these monkey suits for as long as we can, right? Oh, much better.
[SIGHS.]
How we doing? - Good.
- [ROCK MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Meemaw? [BURPS.]
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Meemaw? [BLOWING RASPBERRY.]
Is that communion wine? Yes.
I'm drunk.
In fact, I'm pretty fucked up.
- What about the reading? - Relax.
Love is I'm gonna need a refill.
Chelsea, I'm sure you're still beautiful.
- No, I'm a monster! - Oh, my Ah, hey! You can't Chelsea, stop it! I'm coming in.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
Whoa! I'll get ice, lots of ice.
Baby? How am I supposed to get the ice on my face? Chelsea? The other bridesmaids? Oh! - Congrats on your wedding.
- What are you doing? Why aren't you getting ready with me? She, uh she's just what she's doing right now is, - she's, um - I'm putting my face on ice.
It helps keep the skin tight.
I wanna be extra tight for your wedding, girl.
Oh, okay, then.
Well, just come back as soon as you can.
- In the meantime, keep chilling.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- Good one.
[SHUDDERS.]
Does it look any better? [ROCK MUSIC.]
Thank you for being here for this blessed event.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, bye-bye, now.
Crap, another Bed Bath & Beyond gift card.
That's like saying, "Here, enjoy buying the same shit - you owned in college.
" - Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
Whoa! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, I found Meemaw, but she's more hammered than Nick Nolte on the PCH.
Fantastic.
Well, I've already opened up all the cards, and we're still $500 short of making Cecelia's bail.
[POIGNANT MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
Caroline, focus.
We still need $500.
How am I supposed to focus when I'm emotionally devastated, Deb? Fine! You go keep Mary Louise busy.
I'll get some coffee to sober Meemaw up and try to scrounge up the rest of the cash.
I I can't use the bathroom.
There's some burn victim in there just screaming.
All right.
So now I'm selling bird cage furniture, little ladders and hoops and bells and things like that.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
John-Paul, you don't have anything else you should be - doing right now? - No, no.
These days are more for the women.
Hey, there he is.
Matthew-John, Paul-Luke, come on in.
This is where the guys are getting ready.
Take off your pants and relax for a while.
Oh, thank God.
So nowadays it's more than just little ladders and bells and hoops and stuff like that for birds.
They have all kinds of little, like, dollhouse furniture.
The stuff is very exciting.
Hi, ladies.
Finally, one of you is back.
That altar must have been filthy.
Caroline, what's wrong? Nothing.
You look like you've been crying.
Okay, I have been.
I just keep thinking about how beautiful this all is, you know, and how gorgeous you'll look walking down the aisle and what an amazing day this will be, and that is why I'm crying.
- And Jesus will be there.
- [CRYING.]
Now you've got me crying.
Oh, honey.
- He will.
- Oh, Jesus! - Praise You, Jesus! - Oh, Jesus! Yes, thank you, Jesus! I mean, Jesus Christ! - Jesus! - Jesus! - Oh, my God! - Thank You, Jesus! Hello, wedding guests.
Can I have your attention, please? Hello? [WHISTLES.]
We are asking for donations today for the maid of honor, Chelsea Snap.
[ALL GASPING.]
She was in a terrible fire at a Forever 21, and she saved all the shoppers before herself.
She even still has part of a crop top permanently melted into her back.
Oh, it's awful, - awful, awful, awful, awful.
- Yeah, it really is.
So won't you please consider making a contribution today to help Chelsea pay for all of the skin grafts? Five bucks? You cheapskate.
She needs a new face.
Looks like a pizza without cheese.
[BOTH CRYING.]
It's really over.
I always held out hope that someday we'd end up together, but he's obviously moved on.
At least it's your life and not your face.
Chelsea, you're gonna be fine.
Do you think I'll be fine? Uh [CRYING.]
Oh, my God! Cecelia, help, help! - I am, I am.
- Okay, okay.
All right, get this door.
Okay, we got the rings I mean, Cecelia.
Uh, now, everybody, pull yourselves together.
I can't.
I'm nothing to him! Does this church have Wi-Fi? I need to get an update on the negotiations.
Uh, yeah, uh, the network is I heart Jesus, and the password is get your head out of your ass.
- Now, move! - Hello? - Oh! - Is anybody in here? - [SCREAMS.]
- Oh, you can't see us like this.
- [KNOCKING.]
- You guys, what is going on? I've barely seen any of you all day.
Sorry, bride-to-be.
We decided we wanted to wait for you to see us until the ceremony.
We thought it would be a nice surprise.
So don't you dare come in here.
I'm glad you explained.
I was starting to get pretty PO'ed.
You guys are so important to me.
It's not about the hair, the makeup, the rings, or the dresses.
It's about each of you, 'cause this day wouldn't be the same without all of you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Okay, I don't wanna cry all my makeup off.
I'm leaving.
[ALL SIGHING.]
Okay, everyone.
I lost my chill for a minute there, but I am back.
My little Christian is getting married today, and we are not gonna let her down.
Kyle, go grab our clothes and makeup.
Caroline, wipe away your tears and get to your post.
Cecelia, take a whore's bath.
And, Meemaw, have you ever heard of drunken IV? We are gonna get you sober in no time.
It's go time! [LAUGHS.]
- Caroline - I can't talk right now.
I'm not a common guest like you.
I'm a wedding attendant.
I'm in charge of very important things like the mints.
I saw you crying earlier.
Is everything all right? Do you have any idea how badly it hurt not to be asked to be in my friend's wedding, and then on top of that to have my ex-boyfriend saunter in with the human equivalent of a Barbie? Are you referring to Brenda? Brenda? At least there's something ugly about her.
We're not romantically involved.
- Okay.
- She's my neighbor.
She's a lesbian athleisure fashion designer.
- Ooh.
- But even if we were, why would you care? You made it clear there was no future for us when you didn't respond to my card.
What card? The valentine I left on your desk.
I never got a valentine.
Then you don't know what I wrote? I told you I wanted to get back together.
As in past tense? I still do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Me too.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Do you know the only thing that would make me happier right now? - A butterfly nature walk? - Yes.
But also you being in that wedding like you deserve.
Here you go.
You can watch Netflix on my phone, and you can have as much of this chocolate as you want.
Bye-bye.
[PAISLEY BLUE'S "DANCING IN THE DARK".]
One night changed my life forever Two hearts, we were thrown together in the backyard of a house Do you remember? You still take my breath away With nothing but a smile And every time I kiss you It feels like the first time Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth and always Serve Servaperes.
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Just dancing in the dark Mary Louise I take you as my wife.
I vow to share my life and everything with you.
You are my prayers answered.
A fire would have sparked Just dancing in the dark And your friend was arrested.
You know, the one who smells like Fritos.
And your headband friend stole all the wedding money.
And then your burn victim friend collected donations.
You gotta get it [LAUGHS.]
Gotcha! Okay.
You know your face always looks perfect to me, no matter how disfigured it is.
Mmm.
Oh, I'm still a little too sensitive there.
I'm so sorry.
But there's one place I wasn't injected.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Chelsea, I know what you did.
You do? You toned down your makeup so I would shine.
You truly are my best friend.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
What the [ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
You looked so beautiful walking down the aisle today, Care Bear.
Thanks for taking charge like that.
Thanks for letting me.
I love you.
I love you too.
[HUXLEY WARE'S "COMING BACK AROUND".]
I click my fingers, you close your eyes Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the couple's first dance.
[SIGHS.]
[ROBBIE NEVIL'S "MAKE TONIGHT".]
We did it, you guys.
Our girl got married, and she didn't even know what a hot mess it was.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Ladies, we're on strike.
And there's a time to make it last Don't tell her.
Let her get screwed by Hot Dad before she finds out she got screwed by the state.
Show him your titties! [WHISPERS.]
Your tits.
Meemaw! [JUST KAIT'S "I'M OUT".]
This story won't come to an end Whoa This time, I won't be played This time, I'm out, yeah Oh, no, I fell for you again Whoa I really like it, so I can't pretend - Hey - This story won't come to an end Whoa This time, I won't be played This time, I'm out I'm out
I've dreamt about this day my whole life, and I can't wait to spend it getting ready with all of you.
I don't have any siblings due to my mom's corn silo accident, but I've got you.
Thanks for being here for me.
- Here's something old.
- Oh.
I made them from petrified owl pellets.
- Thank you.
- Here's something new.
You've had the same tube of Carmex since I met you five years ago.
It's unsettling.
Thanks.
[SNIFFS.]
Uh, I wasn't aware there'd be gifts since I was not on the email chain because I'm not a bridesmaid, but, uh Here, something borrowed.
It's Tiffany's, hence the borrowed.
I will need that back.
- And here's something blue.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Is this lubricant? - Yeah.
- But it's not blue.
It's for something blue.
Hot Dad's balls.
[RAPHAEL LAKE'S "TEACH YA".]
Wow.
Look at these.
I was still feeling sad about not being chosen as a bridesmaid, but seeing your dresses makes me feel much better.
- Get out of my way.
- Look who's here.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Meemaw, you made it! [LAUGHS.]
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
No, Mom.
No, not yet.
- Love is patient.
- No, the wedding's not - for a few hours, Mom.
- Love is kind.
It's a tradition that my mother reads from 1 Corinthians at family weddings.
This might be her last wedding, so it's so special that she's here to do the reading.
Meemaw, I wanna introduce you to the most important woman in my entire life, Chelsea Snap, and my other friends too.
Chelsea, would you mind watching Meemaw while we get ready? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
I'm so sorry, but I can't.
I'm allergic to whatever it is that makes old people smell the way they do.
I'd love to help, but as the attendant, I'll be too busy organizing the towlettes for the bathroom.
- Can you? - Okay, Meemaw.
Looks like it's you and me today.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Just let me know whatever it is you need.
All right.
- Mom.
- Yes? Why don't you come with me so I can show you the finishing touches they put on my dress? So where is Cecelia? Did she go pick up the rings? Yes, but since it's the last day of teacher contract negotiations, she stopped by the protest.
Salary cuts.
We won't take it, so don't ask.
ALL: We won't take it, so don't ask.
We won't take it up the ass! ALL: We won't take it up the ass! No, no, no, no! That's not what I said! I did not say that! I can't believe Cecelia's late as a bridesmaid.
It's like, have some respect for your job.
Speaking of, listen up, bridesmaids.
Because I'm the most snatched maid of honor ever hashtag fact not fiction I booked an esthetician - to pamper us.
- Wow, thanks, Chelsea.
I said bridesmaids.
Who wants to go first? Okay, fine, I'll go.
[LAUGHS.]
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay! She's such a beast.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Where's Meemaw? [ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hey, there he is.
- Hey.
[LAUGHS.]
The big guy himself.
Pastor Ted.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, well, I'm I'm gonna start getting ready.
Nope.
They're exterminating in there.
It's very unsafe.
But don't worry, you can use my office to get dressed.
Oh, that's okay, I can just use the bathroom.
Nope, the stalls in there are too small.
Too hard to get legs into pants.
It's gonna need to be my office.
Come with me.
Come on.
Come on, this way.
This way.
[BOTH SHOUT.]
Oh, sorry, I wasn't clear.
I need to use this room as well to change so [ROCK MUSIC.]
Meemaw? She can barely walk.
How far could she have gotten? Two summers ago, I saw June Squip in a Zumba class.
Old women can be deceptively spry.
Meemaw? Oh, God.
We can't be gone for much longer.
Mary Louise is gonna wonder why we're not getting ready with her.
[GASPS.]
[SNEAKY MUSIC.]
Okay, Caroline, we get it.
You're white.
- You love tennis.
- No, Deb.
It's from Meemaw's walker.
Clearly I'm better at tracking.
You go cover while I hunt the old girl down.
[SNIFFS.]
She's close.
I I've been trying to talk her into more curls, you know? Hey, hey, look at you two in your robes.
There you are! Where are the other girls? Caroline's making sure that the altar is clean for the ceremony.
You know how she is.
Uh, Cecelia's polishing the rings, and Chelsea's with an esthetician.
- That one's actually true.
- Where's Meemaw? She's in the bathroom.
I think she drank too many Ensures.
I hope she's okay.
She's gotta do the reading later.
Oh, no, stay here.
She's fine.
It's just a normal poop, not diarrhea.
How do you know? I was in there for the beginning of it.
And it, uh, was just your average plopping, - not that running water noise.
- Debra.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
They aren't budging on any of our demands.
Unbelievable.
Fascists.
Step back, please.
Excuse me, officer.
We're just trying to have a peaceful - [THUDS.]
- [GROANS.]
- Get down! - No! [ALL SCREAMING.]
What did you just do? [ROCK MUSIC.]
Meemaw? Are you in here? What's wrong? [CRYING.]
Hello? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Meemaw? [BOTH SCREAMING.]
I'm ruined! [CRYING.]
What happened? - She did.
- I'm so sorry! They didn't cover adverse reactions in the six-hour online course.
Oh, my God! Get out, get out, get out! Jesus.
You got that from a facial? Yes! [CRYING.]
And a chemical peel, cupping, lipid cheek injections, and some very basic Botox, but it shouldn't look like this! I can't walk down the aisle like this.
Cancel the wedding! It's not your wedding to cancel.
Now get it together.
Mary Louise is waiting for us! Hey, I can hear you all the way down the hall.
We've got a problem.
Cecelia is in jail.
- [CRYING.]
- Holy fuck, what is that thing? - It's Chelsea.
- [CRYING.]
Chelsea, I'm sorry I called you a thing.
It just took me a few seconds to recognize you as a human.
Leave me alone! [CRYING.]
Great, Chelsea won't come out, Cecelia's locked up with the rings, and Meemaw's gone AWOL.
Mary Louise is gonna freak.
No, she's not because she's not gonna find out.
How? This day is screwed.
Listen to me.
I have been a maid of honor 20 times, and something always goes awry on the big day.
You keep looking for Meemaw.
I'll call Kyle to see if he can talk Chelsea out.
What about Cecelia, hmm? Her bail's $2,000.
I don't have that kind of cash, and I know you don't.
Rude.
Okay, I'll work on getting the money.
Just find Meemaw.
She has a walker, Deb.
It's honestly embarrassing we haven't found her yet.
You know, I don't understand why we have to have this conversation in our underwear.
Marriage is a really big decision, and I feel like there's some kind of internal struggle - that you're dealing with.
- No.
Yeah, yeah, just an unstoppable desire.
It's undulating beneath your skin.
- [DOOR OPENING.]
- Ah! Oh, this is where the men are changing.
You fellas have the right idea.
Let's get out of these monkey suits for as long as we can, right? Oh, much better.
[SIGHS.]
How we doing? - Good.
- [ROCK MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Meemaw? [BURPS.]
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Meemaw? [BLOWING RASPBERRY.]
Is that communion wine? Yes.
I'm drunk.
In fact, I'm pretty fucked up.
- What about the reading? - Relax.
Love is I'm gonna need a refill.
Chelsea, I'm sure you're still beautiful.
- No, I'm a monster! - Oh, my Ah, hey! You can't Chelsea, stop it! I'm coming in.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
Whoa! I'll get ice, lots of ice.
Baby? How am I supposed to get the ice on my face? Chelsea? The other bridesmaids? Oh! - Congrats on your wedding.
- What are you doing? Why aren't you getting ready with me? She, uh she's just what she's doing right now is, - she's, um - I'm putting my face on ice.
It helps keep the skin tight.
I wanna be extra tight for your wedding, girl.
Oh, okay, then.
Well, just come back as soon as you can.
- In the meantime, keep chilling.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- Good one.
[SHUDDERS.]
Does it look any better? [ROCK MUSIC.]
Thank you for being here for this blessed event.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, bye-bye, now.
Crap, another Bed Bath & Beyond gift card.
That's like saying, "Here, enjoy buying the same shit - you owned in college.
" - Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
Whoa! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, I found Meemaw, but she's more hammered than Nick Nolte on the PCH.
Fantastic.
Well, I've already opened up all the cards, and we're still $500 short of making Cecelia's bail.
[POIGNANT MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
Caroline, focus.
We still need $500.
How am I supposed to focus when I'm emotionally devastated, Deb? Fine! You go keep Mary Louise busy.
I'll get some coffee to sober Meemaw up and try to scrounge up the rest of the cash.
I I can't use the bathroom.
There's some burn victim in there just screaming.
All right.
So now I'm selling bird cage furniture, little ladders and hoops and bells and things like that.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
John-Paul, you don't have anything else you should be - doing right now? - No, no.
These days are more for the women.
Hey, there he is.
Matthew-John, Paul-Luke, come on in.
This is where the guys are getting ready.
Take off your pants and relax for a while.
Oh, thank God.
So nowadays it's more than just little ladders and bells and hoops and stuff like that for birds.
They have all kinds of little, like, dollhouse furniture.
The stuff is very exciting.
Hi, ladies.
Finally, one of you is back.
That altar must have been filthy.
Caroline, what's wrong? Nothing.
You look like you've been crying.
Okay, I have been.
I just keep thinking about how beautiful this all is, you know, and how gorgeous you'll look walking down the aisle and what an amazing day this will be, and that is why I'm crying.
- And Jesus will be there.
- [CRYING.]
Now you've got me crying.
Oh, honey.
- He will.
- Oh, Jesus! - Praise You, Jesus! - Oh, Jesus! Yes, thank you, Jesus! I mean, Jesus Christ! - Jesus! - Jesus! - Oh, my God! - Thank You, Jesus! Hello, wedding guests.
Can I have your attention, please? Hello? [WHISTLES.]
We are asking for donations today for the maid of honor, Chelsea Snap.
[ALL GASPING.]
She was in a terrible fire at a Forever 21, and she saved all the shoppers before herself.
She even still has part of a crop top permanently melted into her back.
Oh, it's awful, - awful, awful, awful, awful.
- Yeah, it really is.
So won't you please consider making a contribution today to help Chelsea pay for all of the skin grafts? Five bucks? You cheapskate.
She needs a new face.
Looks like a pizza without cheese.
[BOTH CRYING.]
It's really over.
I always held out hope that someday we'd end up together, but he's obviously moved on.
At least it's your life and not your face.
Chelsea, you're gonna be fine.
Do you think I'll be fine? Uh [CRYING.]
Oh, my God! Cecelia, help, help! - I am, I am.
- Okay, okay.
All right, get this door.
Okay, we got the rings I mean, Cecelia.
Uh, now, everybody, pull yourselves together.
I can't.
I'm nothing to him! Does this church have Wi-Fi? I need to get an update on the negotiations.
Uh, yeah, uh, the network is I heart Jesus, and the password is get your head out of your ass.
- Now, move! - Hello? - Oh! - Is anybody in here? - [SCREAMS.]
- Oh, you can't see us like this.
- [KNOCKING.]
- You guys, what is going on? I've barely seen any of you all day.
Sorry, bride-to-be.
We decided we wanted to wait for you to see us until the ceremony.
We thought it would be a nice surprise.
So don't you dare come in here.
I'm glad you explained.
I was starting to get pretty PO'ed.
You guys are so important to me.
It's not about the hair, the makeup, the rings, or the dresses.
It's about each of you, 'cause this day wouldn't be the same without all of you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Okay, I don't wanna cry all my makeup off.
I'm leaving.
[ALL SIGHING.]
Okay, everyone.
I lost my chill for a minute there, but I am back.
My little Christian is getting married today, and we are not gonna let her down.
Kyle, go grab our clothes and makeup.
Caroline, wipe away your tears and get to your post.
Cecelia, take a whore's bath.
And, Meemaw, have you ever heard of drunken IV? We are gonna get you sober in no time.
It's go time! [LAUGHS.]
- Caroline - I can't talk right now.
I'm not a common guest like you.
I'm a wedding attendant.
I'm in charge of very important things like the mints.
I saw you crying earlier.
Is everything all right? Do you have any idea how badly it hurt not to be asked to be in my friend's wedding, and then on top of that to have my ex-boyfriend saunter in with the human equivalent of a Barbie? Are you referring to Brenda? Brenda? At least there's something ugly about her.
We're not romantically involved.
- Okay.
- She's my neighbor.
She's a lesbian athleisure fashion designer.
- Ooh.
- But even if we were, why would you care? You made it clear there was no future for us when you didn't respond to my card.
What card? The valentine I left on your desk.
I never got a valentine.
Then you don't know what I wrote? I told you I wanted to get back together.
As in past tense? I still do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Me too.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Do you know the only thing that would make me happier right now? - A butterfly nature walk? - Yes.
But also you being in that wedding like you deserve.
Here you go.
You can watch Netflix on my phone, and you can have as much of this chocolate as you want.
Bye-bye.
[PAISLEY BLUE'S "DANCING IN THE DARK".]
One night changed my life forever Two hearts, we were thrown together in the backyard of a house Do you remember? You still take my breath away With nothing but a smile And every time I kiss you It feels like the first time Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth and always Serve Servaperes.
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Just dancing in the dark Mary Louise I take you as my wife.
I vow to share my life and everything with you.
You are my prayers answered.
A fire would have sparked Just dancing in the dark And your friend was arrested.
You know, the one who smells like Fritos.
And your headband friend stole all the wedding money.
And then your burn victim friend collected donations.
You gotta get it [LAUGHS.]
Gotcha! Okay.
You know your face always looks perfect to me, no matter how disfigured it is.
Mmm.
Oh, I'm still a little too sensitive there.
I'm so sorry.
But there's one place I wasn't injected.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Chelsea, I know what you did.
You do? You toned down your makeup so I would shine.
You truly are my best friend.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
What the [ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
You looked so beautiful walking down the aisle today, Care Bear.
Thanks for taking charge like that.
Thanks for letting me.
I love you.
I love you too.
[HUXLEY WARE'S "COMING BACK AROUND".]
I click my fingers, you close your eyes Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the couple's first dance.
[SIGHS.]
[ROBBIE NEVIL'S "MAKE TONIGHT".]
We did it, you guys.
Our girl got married, and she didn't even know what a hot mess it was.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Ladies, we're on strike.
And there's a time to make it last Don't tell her.
Let her get screwed by Hot Dad before she finds out she got screwed by the state.
Show him your titties! [WHISPERS.]
Your tits.
Meemaw! [JUST KAIT'S "I'M OUT".]
This story won't come to an end Whoa This time, I won't be played This time, I'm out, yeah Oh, no, I fell for you again Whoa I really like it, so I can't pretend - Hey - This story won't come to an end Whoa This time, I won't be played This time, I'm out I'm out