Ted Lasso (2020) s01e02 Episode Script


1 - Morning, Coach.
- Morning, Coach.
You wanna grab some breakfast? Nah, I just had one piece of cereal and I'm pretty stuffed.
Could go for coffee though.
You know what today feels like? - First day of school.
- First day of school.
That's right.
Whoo! That's close.
- What about you, Coach? How you feeling? - A little nervous.
Well, heck, yeah.
No such thing as "last-day jitters".
Gotta look right, Coach.
I'm gonna get that someday.
So blues - I can tell you - Check out my man here.
So blues, I can tell you A girl's not gettin' by me.
Sometimes the best way to stick it to the man is go right between his legs, huh? - We gotta go, Coach.
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Good morning, Coach Lasso.
- Hey, look at us.
Couple of worm-addicted early birds, am I right? Well, I'm glad I caught ya.
I brought you a little something.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Or as y'all call 'em here, biscuits, right? Though, I do not recommend you smother these in gravy.
Ted, I don't I don't really Oh, come on now.
Take a lookie there.
- Oh, those do look good.
- Right? Go ahead, take a nibble.
That's it.
Away you go.
- Fuck me.
- Hmm.
Where did you get these? I'm glad you like 'em.
You know what? I'll start bringing these to ya every morning.
Call it "Biscuits with the Boss".
That really isn't necessary.
Okay, well, mark this down as the first time we disagree then.
Actually, no, second time.
Uh, tea is horrible.
Absolute garbage water.
I don't know why y'all do that.
Anyhoo, you know, we can't really be, uh, good partners - unless we get to know each other, right? - Ted We're gonna start simple.
Real easy, real easy one.
We're gonna do, uh, first concert, best concert.
You go ahead and go first.
Right off the bat.
Come on.
Uh, the Spice Girls.
And, uh, the Spice Girls.
Same answer for both? I love that.
My turn.
First concert.
I mean, come on.
It was "The Gambler" himself, Mr.
Kenny Rogers.
Okay, I'm sorry Ted Coach Lasso.
Ted, I'm sorry.
"Biscuits with the Boss" is not something that I have time for this morning.
Or ever.
- I hear ya, boss.
Loud and clear.
- There we go.
You're gonna show up tomorrow with biscuits, aren't you? Oh, come on now.
I would not bet on that.
I mean, unless you wanna win a buttload of money.
High five, tree.
Whoo! Remember what you said to me our first day coaching at Wichita State? Lose the ponytail? Relax.
They're just kids.
Well, these fellas sure as heck ain't kids.
Hey, look at Isaac.
He looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats.
- Boots.
- Hm? They call cleats "boots".
I thought you said that the trunk of a car was a boot.
Also a boot.
Hold on now.
If I were to get fired from my job where I'm puttin' cleats in the trunk of my car You got the boot from puttin' boots in the boot.
I love that.
All right, gentlemen.
Let's go ahead and do a little seven on seven.
We're gonna call this drill "The Exorcist" 'cause it's all about controlling possession.
All right, let's go! Ah Fuck! Whoo! Someone get some flowers, 'cause this spot here is where Sam died.
It's very sad.
Walk away, you little prick.
All right, granddad.
Keep your wig on.
- Thanks, Roy.
- Yeah, you're good.
Hey, Sam, come here a sec.
Coach, I'm I'm sorry.
You know what the happiest animal on earth is? It's a goldfish.
You know why? - No.
- Got a ten-second memory.
Be a goldfish, Sam.
Yeah? Yeah, you got it.
Go ahead.
- Hey, Nate.
- Who, me? Yeah.
Until we get another Nate here, I just need you to assume you're my default Nate, okay? Come on, question for ya.
What's the buzz on Sam here? Seems a little down in the dumps.
Yeah, he's been, uh, underachieving since he got here from Nigeria, so Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, first time away from home is never easy.
We're gonna have to do something to Ni-cheer-ia him up, man.
You still laughing at stuff you don't think is funny, huh? I'm not always sure what's a joke and what isn't.
Yeah, it's tough to tell these days, isn't it? Go, Lasso! Go, Lasso, go! Go, Lasso! Go, Lasso, go! Go, Lasso! Go, Lasso, go! Higgins.
- Ted Lasso was in my office.
- Hm.
Blah, blah, blah.
"What's the first concert you ever saw?" - Boy George.
- Not you, you garden gnome.
He wants us to get together every morning to get to know me and hear what I've got to say.
The nerve! I mean, the man's just relentless and nice.
Everywhere he's been, his players seem to love him.
It's the one thing that could just muck this up.
Hello, boys.
Up top.
- Hello, Miss Welton.
- Hello, Miss Welton.
Higgins, do you know which of the players has the most sway in the locker room? Uh, no.
So helpful.
Then solve me this different mystery.
Find out where Lasso got those biscuits.
Watch out, biscuits! Higgins is on the case.
All right, fellas.
Excuse me.
Listen up! Whoa.
Thank you, Coach.
Now, we got Crystal Palace coming here on Saturday.
Anything we need to know, Coach? - Lot of speed on the outside.
- Okay.
Anything else? Lot of speed.
Okay, you heard the man.
Uh, y'all whipped 'em up pretty good earlier this year, so me and Coach ain't gonna mess with the game plan.
But but but but but but we would like to start fiddling with the way we do things in the locker room.
And if the Internet has taught us anything, it's that sometimes it's easier to speak our minds anonymously.
Right? So I asked Nate here to make us a good old-fashioned suggestion box.
The Hey, look at that.
Yeah, did it with my niece.
She loves crafts, so Uh-huh.
I love glimpses into your personal life.
This is lovely.
So, if anything's got y'all hot and bothered, just go ahead and drop us a note.
You could have issue with, uh, the color of the towels or, heck, the food in the vending machine.
Sound good? Okay, great.
See y'all tomorrow.
We're middle of the table, we've lost three of four, and you wanna know if the snacks in the locker room are tasty enough? Are they? Jesus Christ.
Uh, they are not.
That's a long time to wait, Ted.
Well, I respect you didn't hurry.
So, how was your first official day? I'm not entirely sure what y'all's smallest unit of measurement is over here, but that's about how much headway I made.
- And yet, you seem undeterred.
- Mm.
Solid entrance.
What would you rather be, a lion or a panda? I don't have time for this.
- Ted? - Gotta go panda.
Are you mad? Pandas are fat and lazy and have piss-stained fur.
Lions are powerful and majestic and rule the jungle.
Try telling that to an elephant.
Ooh, can I be an elephant? Mm-mmm.
Lion or panda.
- Panda.
- Lion! - What's black and white and red all over? - I don't know.
What? A panda that gets anywhere near a fucking lion.
The answer is lion.
All right.
That Rebecca is an intimidating, very tall woman.
I mean, the minute she locked eyes with me, I, like, started sweating.
Oh, no.
She got some fences, all right, but you just gotta hop over 'em.
- Hi, babe.
- Mm.
Hey, Jamie, what would you rather be? A lion or a panda? - Coach, I'm me.
- Mm-hmm.
Why would I wanna be anything else? I'm not sure you realize how psychologically healthy that actually is.
Night Court.
- He's a lion.
- Definitely lion.
You know pandas eat their weight in bamboo? My little boy told me that.
- No! - What are you talking about? Pandas are capable of it.
I don't know how often they actually do that.
Sam's down in every stat since Nigeria.
Maybe the Premiership's too much for him.
No, he just needs to get a little more comfy here, that's all.
- He turns 20 on Saturday.
- There we go.
A birthday.
We'll do something special for him.
Nudge that ship in the right direction, yeah? Hey.
Let's see what we got here.
- "Wanker".
- Hmm.
Let's see what else we got.
"Piss off, wanker".
"I hope you choke on a Big Mac".
- Good thing these are anonymous.
- No, Roy signed that one.
- Roy.
- Oh, here's a good one.
"Shower pressure is rubbish".
Make a note of that.
Uh, "Wanker".
Oh, I'm not gonna say that word out loud.
Um, another "wanker".
You don't wanna let them call you a wanker, Ted.
It's bad.
What's a wanker? I'm a visual learner, so that's very helpful.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Okay, I got one.
Uh, what if I joined forces with a swashbuckling cat Uh-huh.
to play tiny guitars for women of the night as we read Alex Haley's most seminal work? You'd be in cahoots with Puss in Boots, playing lutes for prostitutes, reading Roots.
No, The Autobiography of Malcolm X.
I gotcha.
All right.
Here we go.
Hey, hold my beer.
All right, see what you got, young lady.
Come on.
What you got? What you got? Whoa! Are you kidding me? You see that? She spun you around like the Tasmanian Devil.
Yeah, she did.
Except without all that annoying Wrong again.
Why is this so hard for you, Higgins? What time is it? It's "Biscuits with the Boss" time! Wha And Higgins! Hey.
Three's a crowd.
Hey, that's a crowd I don't mind being smack-dab in the middle of, buddy.
Hey, boss.
Check this out.
Let's tie up some loose ends from yesterday.
First concert, Kenny Rogers, right? Best concert, we got Beastie Boys at HORDE Fest, 1995.
You're gonna love this story.
Actually, did y'all get the O.
trial over here? Ted, please.
I can't just have you waltzing in here whenever you wish.
What if I soft-shoe in, huh? Little something like that.
Or or I can moonwalk in.
Huh? Despite recent headlines, it's still a fun dance move to do.
- Ted, Ted.
- You gotta see the way I see it, okay? Everybody in this building, part of the team.
Part of AFC Richmond.
Team's gotta bond.
All right? I mean, heck, Higgins and I are having lunch today.
Oh, yes.
We're having salads in my office.
All right, catch you later, boss.
Higgins, see you at lunch, huh? Caesar you later.
He's intolerable.
That is bad.
Somebody ought to check this thing's prostate.
Hey, Sam.
You gotta pop upstairs real quick.
Higgins wants to talk to you.
Let's go.
Move it, move it.
Yep, yep.
He's gone, he's gone.
Shut the door, shut the door.
Yo, hey, guys.
Listen up, listen up.
Okay, Sam's birthday is on Saturday.
So I was thinking we'd all chip in and get him something nice.
Nice gift or something.
Right? So, Nate's gonna be coming around with yet another impressive box.
Look at this, wow! It's got a face! - Uh, he has a face.
- Sorry, it Uh, he.
- You put the money in his mouth.
- Okay, you hear that, y'all? You put the money in his mouth.
Got it? Okay, good.
Go get 'em, Nate.
Okay? Help him out.
All right.
Thanks, Colin.
Uh You put the, uh, the money in his mouth.
Yummy for you.
It's spearmint.
Make the money smell nice.
Thank you, Jamie.
That's incredibly thoughtful.
Hey, Jamie Jamie Jamie.
Real quick.
Uh, just wanna have a chat.
Did you put gum in the box there? - Uh, yeah.
- Now, why'd you go and do that? - Uh, sorry, Coach.
- Nate's just trying to help us out here.
- He's part of the team, right? - Yeah, right, Coach.
Yeah, yeah.
And I see this team like a band.
I love that.
- And if we were the Rolling Stones - Mm-hmm.
I'd be Mick Jagger, 'cause I'm the front man.
- Sure.
- I got the moves.
Got a tiny waist, yeah.
The whole bit.
I get it.
And Roy would be Keith Richards, 'cause he's old and everyone's surprised he ain't dead yet.
What the fuck are you saying? Roy, mate, if you're gonna go to the shower, you should take your sweater off first, pal.
I'm just taking the piss, mate.
I'll be better.
Glad to hear it.
Marcus, what you got? How are you feeling about taking on Crystal Palace this weekend? A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile if you ask me.
- Coach.
- Coach! - Yeah, right there.
- Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Oh, I remember, Trent.
I'm just curious.
Could you explain the offside rule? Well, Trent, I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography.
It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.
- Yeah, this gentleman right here.
- Ernie Lounds, The Sun.
Thank you.
Uh, this question's for Miss Mannion.
- It's "Welton".
- Of course.
My apologies.
Any thoughts on the newest Rupert girl? Uh, well, Rupert and I are no longer together, so, uh He may consort with whatever model-actress, actress-model he pleases.
No, the girl who came forward today is another one who was with Rupert while you were married.
I mean, she says it started five years ago.
And they kept it going until, well, still.
And all this time I thought men couldn't multitask.
I'm afraid that's all we have time for.
Thank you so much.
Coach! Coach! Hey.
How are you? Just wanna make sure you're doing okay.
You know, that was pretty rough back there.
I expect nothing less from the press.
Sorry, did you need somebody to post that? Because that person's not me.
No, come on.
This is a care package from my little boy.
Maybe something in here can help cheer you up, yeah? Got a, uh, small battalion of army men.
Says here on the card that I'm supposed to set 'em up in my apartment to help keep me safe.
Uh, oh! - Homemade kazoo.
- Excellent.
Only got one of those though, so you can't have that.
Oh! Oh, hey now.
Look at that right there.
You know, this right here is some of the best barbecue sauce in Kansas City, which makes it some of the best barbecue sauce in the world.
Ooh, yes! You got some kind of food or something that can teleport you back home, make you feel warm and fuzzy? - No.
- Mm-hmm.
- Will that be all, Ted? - No.
No, actually, the whole reason I'm here is 'cause I'm having a little trouble figuring out Jamie Tartt's operating instructions, and I, you know I was just seeing if you happened to have any advice.
Oh, sorry, I'm afraid Ooh.
Your eyes just lit up.
You got an idea.
What is it? Go on.
I was just gonna say you should go and talk to Keeley.
I mean, you two have an obvious rapport.
If anyone knows Jamie, it's her.
- See, that's why you're the boss, right? - Mm.
That's good.
Hey, tell you what I'm gonna do though.
I'm gonna give you one of these stinkers.
Let's see.
Let's get you a good one.
Okay, this right here is gonna be your first line of defense, in case that little turkey Ernie Lounds comes back around, huh? How about that? We'll aim him right at the door there for you.
All right, thanks, boss.
I appreciate you.
Yes! You look beautiful.
Just just pet the lion.
Exactly! I love it.
Give me a growl, yeah.
Sexy, yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Let's set up for the next shot.
- Hi.
- Hey, how you doing? Yeah, I'm all right.
How are you? Yeah, not bad.
So, you went with the lion, huh? - Yeah.
- I'm a little hurt, but it looks cool.
I look insane.
But I do think it's a better look than the panda.
Oh, yeah.
- Fuck, I'm famished.
- Yeah? Most lions are.
- Oh, look.
Let's get some food.
- Okay.
- You hungry? - Yeah, is it free? Gotta be pretty fun for you, yeah? Yeah.
I'm getting paid a shit ton to get dressed up like an animal and sell caffeinated vodka.
But I do get to go home with the paws.
Well, there's the perks right there.
- Can I have a bite? Mm.
- Yeah.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- Careful.
You're welcome.
I know that you didn't just pop down to feed me.
No, you're right.
Uh, I wanted to ask you about Jamie.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
What would you say motivates him? Blow jobs.
Is there a second option? Go on, give us another bite.
There you are.
Now, look, I know the kid's gonna be a star.
I was kinda hoping he'd, you know, warm up to the team building I'm trying to do here.
That's all.
Actually, he responds well to positive reinforcement.
- That's my wheelhouse.
- There you go, then.
- Go on, give us one more bite.
- Here you go.
- That was a big one.
- Well, yep.
Oop, you got some ketchup there.
Looks like you devoured an antelope.
- Help me.
- Just be careful.
Hold on.
Yeah, I feel that.
There's a lot of it.
Yeah, it's a lot and I'm just Richmond! Richmond! We are moments away from Crystal Palace facing AFC Richmond and their new manager, Ted Lasso.
While on the pitch, all eyes will surely be on young phenom, Jamie Tartt.
All right, fellas, here we go.
Here we go.
Uh, Coach, you got any last words? Speed on the outside.
Speed on the outside.
You heard the man.
That's all we got for you, except for one thing.
And that's Happy Birthday, Sam! Eh, Babatunde's the best.
- Hey.
- Hey, enjoy.
Hey, man, you guys got me Chin Chin.
Wow, this is all I used to eat growing up.
We know you haven't been home in a while, so we thought we'd bring some home to you.
You guys, man.
- Hey.
Happy Birthday, Sam.
- Thank you, Coach.
We got a few things in there for you.
Coach, what's what's this? Well, my little boy gave me a whole bunch of these.
You know, help keep me safe while I'm away.
I miss him, you know.
My dad used to always used to pinch my earlobes for good luck.
Give me a fucking break.
Sorry, Coach.
Um, Coach, is it is it okay if I don't keep this? I don't really have the same fondness for the American military that you do.
Oh, sure.
- Imperialism.
- Imperialism.
Thank you, Coach.
Thank you.
All right, fellas.
Let's get out there and show Crystal Palace whose house this is, right? West meets South again.
It's Derby Day in London, and the atmosphere is electric.
With a new owner in the boardroom and a new manager in the dugout, will it be a new dawn for the perennial underdog, AFC Richmond? Welcome to what the home fans call the "Dogtrack".
It's Nelson Road Stadium, for AFC Richmond against Crystal Palace.
I'm Arlo White and this is Chris Powell.
And it's great to be here, Arlo.
- You ready? - Your fly is down.
Thank you.
All right, shall we? Chris, did you ever play under an American manager? Never did, Arlo.
Wouldn't have minded it.
I do speak the language.
Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! To the fans at home, we do apologize for the fruity language.
Wanker! Wanker! It was a risky hire by new owner, Rebecca Welton.
Does she know something we don't? Wanker! Wanker! Oi! Give him a chance.
Wanker! We got 90 minutes to prove 'em wrong, yeah? Let's give it a shot.
Here we go.
And there you go.
It's an inauspicious start to the Ted Lasso era.
Richmond looked disjointed, uninspired, and, you have to say, joyless.
Palace win and Richmond lose 4-1.
The only bright spot being the defensive play of Sam Obisanya.
Only bright spot? Without me, it would've been 4-0, you miserable old pricks.
And a meaningless consolation goal for Jamie Tartt in injury time.
Thank you! Jamie.
Real quick.
Regarding Jamie Tartt, it was an insignificant goal by the Manchester City loanee, but he celebrated like he'd just won the World Cup.
I haven't known you that long, but I can honestly say you are the best athlete I have ever coached.
Um Yeah.
I mean, I I work hard, yeah.
I see it.
You are truly great at everything you do out there.
Except for one thing.
My left foot cross? No.
Jamie, I think that you might be so sure that you're one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there, you're just one of eleven.
And if you just figure out some way to turn that "me" into "us" the sky's the limit for you.
Was a heck of a goal out there, by the way.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Richmond fall to 13th place.
I'm sure they won't be there very long.
Is that optimism, Chris? No.
Actually, I'm wearing Obsession by Calvin Klein.
That was fucking embarrassing! Oh, I I am equally livid.
- Blimey, mate.
- Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
- Didn't know he had it in him.
- Good lad.
Oh, my God.
Hey, come on now.
Hey, let's shake this one off, all right? Start getting better on Monday.
Until then Hey, DJ Beard-o, why don't you, uh, help pick up the mood in here, all right? Uh-oh.
Little Phife Dawg and Q-Tip comin' at you.
Come on now.
Everybody get some cake.
You know, it's Sam's birthday.
Go ahead, get some sugar in your system.
Go on now.
Hey, y'all.
I come bearing sweet treats to numb the sting of defeat.
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
And hey, just so you know, we can play a lot better than we showed today.
I know it would mean a lot to the guys if y'all just came down, joined in.
Let 'em know you're still in their corner.
That's all the arm twisting I'm gonna do though, okay? Ted, you know what might convince me? If you told me where you got these delicious biscuits.
Well, if I did that, I wouldn't be able to bring you more on Monday, would I? All right.
Hope to see y'all downstairs.
Mm! Oh, it's good cake.
Jamie! Trent Crimm, The Independent.
That was, uh, quite a beating today.
How you taking the loss? Look, it's not just me though, is it? We're a team.
I'm just one of eleven.
- Candy from a baby.
- Okay.
They were rubbish.
Fuck it.
Yeah, I am taking it pretty hard, you know? The rest of them, they're all in there eating cake.
- Seriously? - Yeah, seriously, mate.
The new gaffer's got music on in there.
It's like a party.
It's a joke.
Careful, son.
The gaffer's fixed the water pressure.
I hate losing.
Bird by bird, Coach.
- Good night, Coach.
- Night, Coach.
Uh-oh, here's trouble.
- I saw the match.
- Oh, yeah? What'd you think? You were rubbish.
- Yeah, maybe so.
- Yeah.
I did wanna get your advice on one thing.
Uh, what do you think Oh! Look at that! Got ya! - Yeah? All right, I underestimated you.
- Yeah.
See, no one sees me coming.
Come on, what you got? What you got? That was quick.
Okay, I'm gonna take my backpack off now.
We're gonna really do this.
- Let me stretch here a little bit.
- All right.
Here we go.
All right, now you're in trouble.
Get your breath back.
What? I just sent you the pictures.
That's exactly what I wanted.
The star player's girlfriend and the new manager.
Are you sure you want to do this? The press will eat them alive.
Miss Welton? Do it.

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