Ted Lasso (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

The Diamond Dogs

1 Hello, mon cher.
Coach! Over here.
Thank God.
Z-man, Dani.
He looks like a beautiful angel-man.
Good morning, sunshine.
You okay? Oh, I didn't want to miss the bus, so I just slept in here.
Sorry, I'm gonna vomit.
Oh Oh, my God.
What am I doing? This is my fucking room.
Oi! Out.
Hey, you.
Good morning.
I I got you a coffee.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
You been up long? Um hour or two.
You know? I guess three hours total.
Last night was fun.
Oh, yeah.
Five stars.
Certified fresh.
- Mm.
Have you got to go? - Uh, yeah.
But, you know, you don't need to rush out or anything.
I got you a late checkout.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Go on then.
You go.
I'm gonna go back to sleep, and then I'm gonna order a huge breakfast on your tab.
That's a pro move right there.
Hey, I'll be your Underhills anytime.
Well, um I'll see you around, I guess.
Hey, Coach.
- Coach.
- Yeah? - Something on your mind, Coach? - No, why? We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick, and that's a record by about five hours.
Okay, look.
I'm gonna tell you something but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay? - Okay.
- I'm serious.
I don't want to make jokes about it.
I don't want you giving me any knowing glances.
- You know what I mean? Okay.
- Okay.
Um Last night, I, uh I slept with Rebecca's friend Sassy.
- Want to talk about it? - I'd love to.
There you are.
I thought this room was haunted.
We sorted that.
Is now a good time? Yeah.
You can come in.
She can't hear anything with those in.
You sure? Gail, you think the royal family are lizards, right? Twenty-three.
So young.
What's she listening to? Always murder podcasts.
Last night was crazy.
Right, yeah.
It was pretty sloppy.
I could really use a bucket of coffee to nurse this hangover.
Do you wanna go get one with me when you're done? Not today.
I can't.
I'm busy.
He's lying.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, 'cause she's about to go to town on my hamstrings and I make a lot of noises, and I don't like people hearing my noises.
All right.
I'll see you around, yeah? Okay.
'Cause, look, it's just not something I've ever done before, okay? And look, I got no judgment on people that have one-night stands, okay? I mean, if you are, you know, nuts for butts, have at it.
That's what I say.
Coach, did you have fun? Oh, come on, Coach.
I don't like all that kiss-and-tell stuff.
Coach, did you have fun? And did she have fun? Mm.
Yeah, that movement's, uh, making me feel queasy.
So, then what's the problem? I mean, maybe I just haven't really come to peace with the fact that I went from having a mental breakdown at a karaoke joint in Liverpool to, uh, you know, sleeping with a woman I just met.
And then somewhere in between there, getting a divorce.
- Well, it makes sense to me.
- I must say that this is lovely.
Ever since I was little, I always used to dream about sitting down with a bunch of mates talking about the complex dynamics between men and women.
Okay, here's another question for y'all.
Uh, should I tell Rebecca? - No.
- Oh, come on now.
Why not? I mean, it'd break my heart if I found out she was hiding something from me.
What's happening? You having a meeting? Yep.
I'm having lady problems.
- I'd love to get your perspective on it.
- No.
Ted, can I be honest with you? Come on, let it rip.
You seem intent on going 12 rounds with yourself.
Why? What did you do wrong? He's right.
Time to get you some of these.
What, scissors? Yeah.
To cut yourself some slack.
Y'all stuck the landing on that.
That was nice.
Tell you what, I gotta get you all some satin jackets made, with "Ted Lasso's Personal Dilemma Squad" embroidered on the back there.
That's a clunky name.
There's gotta be something better here.
Let me think.
Oh, I know.
How about, uh, the "EQ Warriors"? The "Knights of Support"? Mm.
Sounds like a brand of jockstrap.
Um, the "Proud Boys"? What about the "Diamond Dogs"? Attaboy, Nate.
Diamond Dogs it is.
Whoo! Oh, come on, Roy.
I thought you were supposed to be in Manchester.
We played West Ham, so I'm in town.
Come in.
How you doing? Uh, yeah, I'm good.
I had ten touches, I had two completed dribbles, and in the 89th minute they let me take a free kick.
I scored.
Got half a chub.
So you thought you'd bring your half-chub over here then, right? No.
No, I just, uh, wanted to talk.
You know, everything happened so fast when Lasso dumped me.
Come on.
Lasso didn't dump you.
Man City wanted you back.
No, no.
Lasso could have stopped it, but he didn't.
- Ah.
Mm - Just let me finish, yeah? I dated a lot of girls, right? But you, you saw an even greater Jamie inside an already great Jamie.
You made me cultured.
Took me to plays and shit.
You hated all of that.
Yeah, 'cause it's confusing.
They do all these emotional things, make you feel all these emotional ways.
And then they get mad when you start trying to shout out and talk to them during a performance.
It's weird.
You also taught me to try to not get in me own way so much.
So thank you for that.
You're welcome, Jamie.
You know, this is the first time you've been over to this house and you haven't sent me some, like, weird sex emoji.
Like the eggplant or the squirting water.
Or the little squirrel.
The little squirrel.
I never understood that one.
Well, he's, uh, he's holding a little nut, isn't he? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
He is.
Do you wanna have a drink with me? Eh nah.
Unless by "drink" you mean So that's how you get sex? By not trying for sex? Sometimes that is exactly how it works.
I never knew that.
Morning, boss.
Now, you don't just get biscuits today.
I also got you a little box of chocolate truffles.
Oh, you fucker.
Don't do this to me.
What you should do is take one of them truffles and smoosh it in between the biscuits like it's a little breakfast sandwich Yeah, there you go.
You got it.
And hey, I wanna thank you again for being there for me up in Liverpool.
- Oh.
It was nothing, Ted.
- No, no.
It was something.
You got a coupon for life, young lady.
I got your back.
Think of me as your own personal metaphorical Saint Bernard.
You don't need to be dealing with a metaphorical avalanche to avail yourself to the metaphorical bourbon hanging around my neck.
Metaphorically speaking.
Okay? All right now.
- Oh! Actually, Ted.
- Mm.
If you do want to be there for me, I have a meeting later with two minority owners of the club.
The Milk sisters.
The most horrible human cocktail of being terribly dull and yet, they never shut up.
Please join me.
Done and doner.
I can just introduce you all, leave you wittering on, and slip out and do anything else.
How much of the club they own? 2.
I'm gonna round that down to two.
Then I can call those gals the "2% Milks".
Oh, God.
They're gonna adore you.
It's gonna be fun.
All right.
I'll leave you be.
See ya now.
In my experience, I've always found that endorsements work best if you really believe in the product.
So, I can find good opportunities for you guys if you let me know what you're into.
I love Air Jordans.
I'd fuck a pair of Jordans.
All right.
So, athletic wear then, yeah? I'm into issue-oriented products.
You know, pro-environment or anti-pollution.
That kind of thing.
Oh, and also Air Jordans.
- But I don't want to sleep with them.
- Mm-hmm.
Isaac, what about you? Uh, Rolos.
So, sweets and chocolate then? No.
Just Rolos, yeah? And none of that Sour Patch bullshit either, yeah? Okay.
Well, that's a great start from you guys.
Thank you.
Hey, Captain.
What's all this? Oh, Rebecca's letting me use this room as my office until she sets me up with somewhere proper.
That's why I have this.
So if they need to use the room, I can just shove everything into it.
Do you want to see a movie later? - What the fuck is wrong with you? - What? I asked you if you wanted to go get coffee with me yesterday - and you said you were busy.
- I was busy.
- You never texted me back last night.
- Yeah.
I was busy.
What about the kiss? You took off like it was a shit kiss, and it was not a shit kiss.
I was on fire.
- I agree.
- So what is your fucking problem, Roy? Listen, I'm a professional footballer.
I have had a million one-night stands.
- So have I.
- Great.
- I don't know why we're bragging about it.
- Neither do I.
And they always feel empty.
Well, not the first part.
- No, at first they're wicked.
- They're fucking great.
- But when it's all done, I feel like - Like shit.
And I always end up with my watch being stolen or a story in the press about how my penis has a curve in it.
Does it actually? No, I just make it feel like it does with my hips.
Anyway, the point is, I'm trying to do this differently.
I should have told you that.
I apologize.
And I am trying to be more honest.
Thank you.
Okay, then.
I think you should know that I slept with Jamie.
Yes, I am aware of that.
I mean last night.
I didn't think you were into me.
I didn't know what you wanted, and I knew exactly what he wanted.
So you fucked him to get back at me for something I didn't even know I did.
I No.
That's exactly what I did.
I fucked up, Roy.
I'm really sorry.
But I need you to be okay with this.
Um, well, why don't you just come and tell me how you feel about it once you've figured out how to speak again? Hi, Roy.
Something on your mind? Is that grunt all I get to go on? That's okay.
I'll give it a shot here.
Uh, let's see.
You are thinking about buying your first house.
No, not that.
You just realized your dad might be a little racist.
He's in his 60s and he's from South London.
Of course my dad's a little racist.
Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing, but every time I think about her, all I think about is Jamie fucking Tartt.
Ooh-whee! Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape.
A love triangle.
Second place of course is the "I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit" dodecahedron.
Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes? No, Roy, it does not.
But, in my defense, it rarely does.
I know exactly what to do here, though.
- What are you doing? - Oh.
Don't you fret, my fine furry fella.
In a matter of minutes, your relationship dilemma will be in the past.
For I am rounding up the Diamond Dogs.
Who the fuck are the Diamond Dogs? It's just a group of people who care, Roy.
Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.
Okay, so this is about you and Keeley, right? - Saw this coming.
- Nothing like the early days of courtship.
Okay, this is my fucking nightmare.
I think the idea of you and Keeley is like cookies and cream.
And I think we all agree, two great tastes that go great together, right? - Yeah.
- Perfect analogy.
Yes, I am into her.
But we all know who her ex-boyfriend is.
The prince prick of all pricks.
And I've got him stuck right in here.
I don't understand the problem.
I mean, Keeley's just so kind.
You know, to be liked by someone like her must be 's wonderful.
Shout out to the Gershwin brothers right there.
Fuck yeah, the Gershwins.
But dang it, fellas, you're still not getting it! Thank you.
Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past.
But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy.
And that's not okay! Oh, he means the opposite.
I love it when Coach does sarcasm.
I can't control my feelings.
Well, then by all means you should let them control you.
Ah! He's doing it again.
Good eye.
Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing-ing aside, do me a favor.
Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay? She slept with him last night.
- I mean, are you two officially dating? - No.
- Have you already slept together? - No.
Coach, you wanna bring this home? Grow up and get over it.
The Diamond Dogs have struck again.
You're all pricks.
All righty.
See the Milk sisters anywhere? You want me to go skim the back room? Don't make me regret this, Ted.
Oh, don't worry, don't worry.
I'm gonna be an udder gentleman, okay? Hey, I wonder if they've ever seen the movie, uh, Bridget Jones's Dairy.
Sorry, that's not my breast milk pun.
I can do better.
Oh, my God, this was a horrible idea.
Seriously, please go home.
- Oh, come on.
It's gonna be fun.
- Stop.
There she is.
Rupert, what are you doing here? We came to celebrate.
Uh, Rebecca, Rebecca.
Rebecca, Rebecca.
It's nice to see you again.
- And this is Ted.
- Howdy.
Uh, join us for a drink.
Here you go, Rupert.
Anything else? A couple more glasses for our friends here.
Thank you, Mae.
You are as delicious as ever.
From your West End to your Marble Arch.
Keep your Big Ben in your pants.
Thank you for your invitation, but we're actually here to meet with the Milk sisters.
Oh, they won't be coming now.
Oh, no.
Did they expire? What? Um, so, yeah, I, um I know I'm not allowed an ownership stake in the club, but, um, they were nice enough to sell their minority share to Bex here.
I always, uh, thought I'd finish paying off my student loans before I purchased a football club.
Obviously, she needed a little, um, financial aid from yours truly.
But, um, well, when we're married, what's hers will be mine and what's mine well, that'll stay mine 'cause I've learned from you.
You're engaged? Hey.
So you better join us for a drink.
Everyone! Drinks with us.
It's on me.
Three lagers, please, Mae.
They're free.
We want the boots.
To Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Right.
The The product you'd most like to get into business with is joy? Sí.
Mucho, mucho joy.
I don't know if I can get you paid for that though, Dani.
I like to give away joy for free.
- Oh.
All right, thanks, Dani.
- You're welcome.
Football is life, Capitán.
I'm done being mad about Jamie.
I'm a grown man.
I'm not a baby child.
I'm over it.
Would you mind saying that to the rest of the room? I mean, the press deserves to know.
Kent! - Yeah.
- Hi.
Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman.
Would you please repeat what you just said? I'm over it.
Can I take you out tonight? Please? Uh yeah.
Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman Online Edition.
So, why should I trust this sudden change of heart? 'Cause I like you more than I hate him.
I mean, barely.
It's very close.
Woman with the hair.
Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman Magazine.
Where would you take me if I did say yes? - I don't know.
Coffee? - Can't do any better? - Dinner.
- Yeah, that sounds great.
Yeah, woman with the fucking eyes.
Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman insert on Sunday.
Could you please elaborate on the hip movement that makes your penis feel like it has a curve in it? Right, no more questions.
We'll see you on the pitch.
To Rupert! Friends, Richmonds, countrymen.
Our club's nightmare is over now.
I'm back.
Thank God.
'Cause Ted Lasso sucks.
- No offense, Ted.
- Oh, all good, Baz.
You, Jeremy, and Paul have been refreshingly candid about y'all's feelings.
Pretty cool Premier League gaffer knows our names.
- I know, right? - Shut up, you twats.
I'm trying again.
No help.
So, if she hits the board, I want it to sound like we just won the FA Cup.
You wanna leave? I don't wanna give him the satisfaction.
So, Rebecca, it's time to be friends again.
Especially since Bex and I are gonna be sitting with you every week in that owner's box.
I'm not going every week.
Well, I am.
And, um, every week, when they shove a camera in my face and ask me how I think you're doing, I will tell them.
It'll be relentless.
So, Rupert, y'all take your darts over here pretty seriously, huh? This and, uh, what's the billiard game y'all do that sounds like a brand of cookies? - Snooker? - That's it.
That's the one, yup.
Boy, I'd love to curl up on a couch under a weighted blanket, watch You've Got Mail and devour a box of Snookers.
See what we got here.
Hey! There it is.
- Do you like darts, Ted? - Oh, they're okay.
I'm more of a, you know, cornhole man myself.
- Oh.
- Huh.
How about a game? We could, you know, maybe wager, say, £10,000? Oh! Well, as my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that's a little rich for my blood.
Uh, how about this? If you win, I'll let you pick the starting lineup of the last two games of the season.
But if I win, you can't go anywhere near the owner's box, at least not while Rebecca's still in charge.
- Ted.
- Mm? What the hell are you doing? I believe some folks call it white knighting, but I'm just following my gut here.
- It's okay.
- No.
- What do you think? - You're on.
- Okay.
- Uh, double in, double out.
Whatever you say, Rupe-a-dupes.
Just let me know if I'm winning or losing, all right? Oh, I forgot I had these on me.
Oh, wait a second.
I forgot I'm left-handed.
Oh! Oh, this is gonna be a hoot.
- So where are we going for dinner? - It's a surprise.
I need to ask you something.
So, the other day when you said you were too busy to text me back Yeah, 'cause I was busy.
But you never told me what you were too busy with.
Yeah, 'cause it was private.
Are you dating other people? It's okay if you are.
It's just that I wanna know so that I don't look stupid.
It was yoga, okay? I do yoga with a group of women in their 60s.
They have no idea who I am, it's twice a week and it's really good for my core.
Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's been going through a divorce and she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam.
We all ended up at G-A-Y till 2:00 a.
and then we had crepes in Balham with some drag queens.
Like I said, it's private.
I'm gonna kiss you now.
Unless it's gonna make you run away again.
I know that you wanna take this slow and I really do respect that, but it Maybe I could just touch your arse a little bit or you could touch mine Where's your manners? You're supposed to ask before you take something.
For example, may I take this? - No.
- Well, I'm fucking taking it.
It's pictures of our first date.
Come on.
I'm cooking for you.
One hundred and eighty! Well in, Rupert.
Get in! Shut your stupid little twat mouth or I will shut it for you.
Shall I be giving you the lineup card now, Ted? I shall be putting Obisanya back on defense where he belongs.
That's exactly what I said, didn't I? Now, now, it's not all Ted's fault.
My ex-wife's the one who brought the hillbilly to our shores.
I know she's always been a bit randy, but I never thought she would fuck over an entire team.
Hey! Better manners when I'm holding a dart.
What do I need to win? Two triple 20s and a bull's-eye.
Good luck.
You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life.
And for years, I never understood why.
It used to really bother me.
But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there.
It said, "Be curious, not judgmental".
I like that.
So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me.
All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious.
You know, they thought they had everything all figured out.
So they judged everything, and they judged everyone.
And I realized that their underestimating me who I was had nothing to do with it.
'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions.
You know? Questions like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?" To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir.
Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away".
Barbecue sauce.
- Good game, Rupert.
- Come on, let's go.
You are a very lovely consolation prize.
Rebecca, Ted, enjoy your evening.
Mae, as always.
Holy shit, that felt good.
That was fun.
- Only one thing left to do now.
- What's that? Do I have to? Drinks are on me! Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing you do all day, but I need a favor.
We'll die for you, Coach! That's a little dramatic, Sam, but I see how you got there with me invoking the military and all.
Now here's what we're gonna do.
How many of you fellas ever seen Sesame Street? - Good morning, Higgins.
- Ah.
Good morning.
One sec.
Yeah, that's good.
Straighten up.
All right.
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on one sec.
Let me get in my spot.
Here it comes, here it comes.
Let's go.
Hi, Ted.
Can't hear you! Hi! Yeah! Yeah! We felt it, she felt it! That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo! Got up too fast.
Ted embarrassed the hell out of Rupert yesterday.
That's good.
Uh, bit of bad news.
Uh, we have ten thousand unsold seats for the final match of the season.
Release them to the visitors.
But Rebecca, Man City will snap those up.
Our home stadium will be a sea of sky blue.
That'll kill Rupert.
It'll hurt our chances.
We're on the brink of relegation.
Just do it, Higgins.
Oh, you know, fuck off! Excuse me? I'm sick of it.
You won't take away your pain by constantly punishing Rupert.
Where were these morals when you were having lunches with me so Rupert could have sex in our house? I thought we were friends.
You had every opportunity to do the right thing and you never did.
Fucking pussy.
You're right.
I I deserve to carry that around.
Um, I do.
I should've been braver, and I'm I'm sorry for that.
I am.
But I'm saying this to you now.
Stop it.
Or what? I quit.
Oh, I know how this goes.
You'll come back, grovel for your job, and I'll take you back, but I will make your life just that little bit worse.
You arranged for the photographer to take this.
Roy and I found it on a paparazzi camera card.
He said you hired him.
Don't deny it or pretend that you don't know.
Either you come clean to Ted or I'll do it for you.

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