Testees (2008) s01e13 Episode Script

Truth Serum

What was that? We're testing a new rabies vaccine We're having difficulties getting it just quite right.
Okay, you know what; this is ridiculous Look at us Ron.
Look at what we're doing, what we do every week.
Come on Pete No.
You know what, Dr.
Ng? I'm sick of you and your shitty experiments.
You're a hack.
You're a cruel, mean, sick and twisted little bastard Why don't you crawl back into whatever hole you came from and die? And you, stupid sidekick, do you have any legitimate medical training, any credentials you scum? I see that truth serum has already taken affect.
Truth serum? Very powerful.
Now get this, I quit.
So you can take this job and shop it I love this job.
Transcript : YYeTs Oh, oh my win, you suck, get lost, later loser.
Fooze ball? Larry, still in quarantine? Yeah, I'm here for a week.
What the hell is wrong with you? I got dandruff, my feet stink, I don't love Jesus.
I treat women like objects I have horrible taste in clothes How come you're so hairy? Oh, rabies vaccine.
I got werewolf syndrome.
Werewolf syndrome; is it really worth it Larry? Peter just quit.
-Werewolf syndrome, that's real? -Google it! High Karate right? Wow.
How can you tell? Elevated sense of smell.
Well you are an absolute pig and I will be delighted to never see you again Truth serum Ass.
Peter, time to change your gauchies.
One game, come on ! I should go, he's just emotionally fragile.
Hey pigtails, it's called a douche.
Try it.
Okay, look at all of these great jobs.
Earn up to $2,000 a week from home and they're only going to charge me $500 to learn Korean.
Oh, come on, you're not smart enough to learn Korean.
You're way too lazy.
You'll never amount to anything.
That's how you really feel about me? I don't know why I said that.
Truth serum must be working.
It's okay, it's how you really feel.
Anything else you want to tell me? When we were kids I stole your brother's comic books.
It was me.
You? My brother blamed me for years.
But listen, that was a long time ago right; water under the bridge, we were kids.
Yeah, kids do stupid stuff.
I'd pee in your apple juice all the time in kindergarten.
I see.
It was me who put the poison ivy in your bed at camp.
They sent me home for that Ron, two months early! Yeah, I know.
I don't know why I'm saying this stuff.
It's okay, let's get it all out.
I want to hear everything.
I want to tell youphone and cable bills.
Phone and cable bills; what is that? I told you the amount is double every month and you've been paying the whole things for years.
You bastard! You sneaky, lying bastard, get back here, get back here.
I don't want to talk to you.
Don't ignore me.
Ronnie! Time to come clean Ron.
Is that even your real name? Come here Ronnie, you can't hide in the bathroom.
Spit that toothpaste out Ron.
I don't want to talk to you.
It's time to unlock the book of secrets.
No, get away from me.
Ronnie, get back here.
Still no success with the experimental rabies vaccine.
Test subjects adopt a canine behavior or in extreme cases experience hyper trichosis or werewolf syndrome.
Where do you think you're going Ron? Just get away from me, just leave me alone.
I want to know what other lies you've been keeping Tell me the secret Ron.
from me all these years.
Yeah, okay, you really want to know? Yeah, okay, damn truth serum.
I had sex with Marnie May Hugh.
My girlfriend? When? The bathroom on prom night.
I was drunk and I felt terrible after.
I dated her for three years and I never even had sex with her Yeah, I know, every other guy did.
That's what I was trying to tell you but she gave me a blow job not to say anything that night and what was I supposed to do? You were supposed to not get a blow job.
I'm sorry.
We made out that night.
Just get away from me.
I don't want to be telling it anymore Ronnie Hey wait a minute, you had a pill too.
Huh? What are your secrets, what have you been hiding? Oh I've told you tons of lies over the years; whoppers.
Oh really, like what? Like whenever I make you a sandwich I put a tiny dash of mayo on there even though I know you don't like mayo.
It makes it creamier.
I already knew that.
You don't think I can see it on the bread? All right, well get a load of this.
I don't really get car sick.
I only say I do so I can always get the front seat.
Oh yeah, that's it, that's all you got? - I think so - Well you're lying You didn't get the truth serum, you got the placebo.
No way! Yeah, of course you did.
Those are your dark secrets? Give me a break, I got way worse than that.
Like what? Like the time your mom told me about your dad and made me promise not to say anything.
What? Tell me! What was that Ron, I can't make it out? What? Get back here! What did my mom tell you not to tell me? Your real dad is still alive.
What are you talking bout? His fighter crashed in the ocean during a training exercise.
He was not even a pilot Pete.
I have his medals.
I have his wings.
Your mom got that at an army surplus store.
She lied to you.
How could you possibly know that? Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a hairdresser.
It's just that I always knew it was what I was meant to do and your mom, she was kind to a young boy with a dream Oh Ron, you're a miracle worker.
Well I have to be, I mean look at these split ends.
Do you hate your hair? Well no, of course not.
Well then show it some love.
Try a better conditioner.
Here, use this.
It's got five different kinds of kelp.
Oh, look at that.
Too bad Bob will never notice.
Sure he will; you're a knockout.
Peter's real father, now he would notice every little change Of course I was the only person he ever saw so it was easy.
The captain, yeah, it's too bad he's passed on.
Oh Peter's father wasn't a pilot and he's not dead.
What do you mean? You know, I really shouldn't say.
Oh no, the only thing you should tease is your hair.
Okay, it was the 70's.
I was working nights at the mental hospital.
I was young and very horny, horny, horny Ron! You know I'm telling you the truth Pete.
Do you want me to tell it or what? Fine, go on.
I worked in E block where we kept the scum of the earth the worst of the worst, where murders and psychopaths were locked away from society forever.
Most women would have been scared to work in a place like that but I was always attracted to the wrong kind of men.
I remember I was on my rounds and i stopped at the last cell, the one where we kept the raving lunatic, Ezekiel Jones.
Ezekiel and I had a special relationship; We talked a lot, he was a good listener.
Then one magical night after lockdown consummated our love; a love no cage could hold.
He was a wonderful lover.
He may have had the brain of a demented 4-year-old but he had the schmeckel the size of a pony.
So he's a demon child.
Yes but I grew to love him, though I always loved his brother more.
Huh? Now you can't tell anyone.
- But Pete's my best friend - Secrecy is the stylist code.
If you tell Peter you'll never be a hairdresser.
Okay, you win.
Curlers are done.
Oh, Farah Fawcett eat your heart your heart out.
I'm going to get so fired for busting you out of quarantine Larry He killed his whole family with a paring knife.
Well not his whole family I guess.
So in a way it's kind of cool right? My whole life I thought my dad died in a training exercise in CA His F14 Tomcat hitting jet wash, spinning out of control, him ejecting, hitting his head on the cockpit and falling lifelessly into the ocean.
Kind of how Goose died in Top Gun.
I've been telling that story since I was 14.
You knew it was a lie and you kept it from me.
You heard what she said, if I told you I'd never become a hairdresser.
You're still not a hairdresser Ron, which by the way is the gayest thing ever.
You've been lying to me about everything since the day we met But when we met we couldn't even talk.
I don't need your excuses Ron and I don't need you.
But this is a good thing Pete.
I'm going to tell you the truth about everything.
I killed your hermit crabs; I accidentally turned off the heat lamp.
My crabs, Joey and Lulu? Get away from me Ron and stay away.
You are the worst friend ever and that's the truth.
I made up the name puber in high school, it was me.
Larry? Larry! Larry, I need your help.
Pete took off.
Look Down boy! - Thank you - Sorry Ron, goodbye.
I'm leaving you and my family to go and find the only person who's never lied to me, my real father.
Yeah, his real dad happens to be an insane lunatic.
He could be dangerous.
Larry, I need your car to go help find Peter.
Yeah right.
No way, you're not driving my car.
Want to go for a ride? Can I have your keys? Come on boy, come on boy.
Come on boy, let's go for a ride.
The old Jones place up on lake Moosehead? Yeah.
Well, you take the Eagle road till you come to an old dirt track It's the one right at the end.
What are you going up there for friend? It's not really any of your business is it? I guess not.
Just asking.
This your place? Yup, owned it my whole life.
Since you were a baby? Well, no So you're a liar then just like everybody else.
Call it.
Call what? Heads or tails.
What are we betting? My car against whatever is in your cash register.
You want me to bet my cash register against that piece of shit Call it! Fine.
Two out of three.
Oh, you owe me $20 for gas.
The gas .
is in your car.
It was your car when you filled it up.
It's your gas.
How am I supposed to get the gas out of here? You can take one of these.
Here's your gas money.
Oh, now that you're walking you can take the shortcut through the forest Mr.
Jones? Ezekiel? No! Oh! Sorry.
I'm sorry but you gave me quite a scare young man.
Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
I just wanted to meet you.
Meet me? Do I know you? No, but I think you might know my mother.
Your mother? 1975you were in the hospital.
How did you know that? You're my father.
Father? Oh, I see.
Yes, well I suppose this day would have come eventually.
Son I can't tell you how happy I am.
You're not what I was expecting.
-I was told you were a lunatic.
-Lunatic? Well I've been called a lot of things over the years but I guess back in the 70's, well yes, lunatic would have been quite appropriate.
I mean if the shoe fits wear it, right son? Right dad.
Peter! Come on face it, you're lost.
No, the gas station guy said it was this way.
Peter! There is no way in hell you are going to find Peter in these woods.
I got these Oh! Peter's underwear.
Well, go get em boy.
Come on.
The trick is to crush the head in one smooth motion, kill them before they know what's hit them.
You know I admit it, I was a completely, completely different person; high on acid, out of my mind.
I'm ashamed of it.
You know you have to learn to use a knife son.
You can't trust people, but a sharp knife cuts every time.
I don't have a knife.
Well I'll give you one.
I've got so many.
Anyway, you've obviously put all that behind you and pulled yourself together.
You can say that again.
I made millions designing boats and then I moved up here to get away from it all But I've become a very lonely man with an awful lot of money and no one to share it withuntil now.
Well I'd be proud to call you my father Zeke.
Zeke? Yes.
Ezekiel Jones.
Sweet baby Jesus! He's a homicidal maniac! I mean he lives out there in a shed in the woods.
- You said you were in the hospital - I was Rammed my into the back of a milk truck.
I was in traction for a year.
Well, thank you for the beer.
Wait, you don't want to go out there; you won't like what you find.
I have to.
He's all I've got.
Did you lose the scent? God damn it! You have no idea how strong my sense of smell is.
Its like you're sticking the guy's butt directly in my face.
- It's just over that ridge.
- Let's go.
Larry? Girl scouts.
Don't do it Pete.
That's my father, my family.
No whatever is in there isn't your family.
Family is right here.
Look, we've been best friends our whole lives.
Okay sure, yeah, I've done some stupid things here and there and maybe I should have told you the truth about your dad And maybe you shouldn't have gotten the blow job from my girlfriend Or even better, maybe I shouldn't have told you about it You know we've been best friends our whole lives because I've been lying to you and keeping secrets Suddenly I tell you the truth and you hate me.
Telling the truth never did anybody any good.
You're not supposed to be telling each other the shit we did or sharing our feelings or being honest.
Just supposed to pretend everything's cool.
That's the secret behind a true, healthy, happy friendship.
I suppose this is supposed to be some sort of heartfelt apology and I believe in your own round about way you are trying to make amends It's not great, but it is honest.
You couldn't lie to me even if you wanted to.
Actually the truth serum wore off a couple of hours ago.
Oh yeah? Sure you're not keeping any secrets from me? Positive.
Then why are you holding on to a pair of my undies? Oh yeah, you can have your dirty undies back.
You can have yours back too Great it's one of these.
You know it's going to be a doozie when they put us in the cube.
Good morning Testees.
Hey, why don't you guys come in here? It's not safe.
What are you giving us? We didn't get any pills or injections when we checked in.
Today's drug is a gas.
What? Breathe deeply.
Oh! Yes, good.
It smells like sweaty feet.
What is this stuff; what are we inhaling? It's classified.
Classified? What; is it dangerous? Why is it classified? That is also classified.
Please, tell us what this stuff is.
Give us a hint.
What are we supposed to do? Stay in there for ten minutes then go home.
Do whatever you normally do.
Fill out your symptom reports.
What symptoms? I don't feel anything.
Me neither.
Oh, you will! This is bad.
This is really bad.
Especially if it was invented by Germans.
Look at all of these possible side effects Ron, anyone of these would be a nightmare.
Giant boils, open sores, rectal bleeding.
Do you have any of them? Not yet, but something's coming and it's not going to be good.
They gassed us.
They don't administer anything good with gas.
There are no gas vitamins.
They use gas to poison huge populations.
Oh my god, you're right.
They use gas on insects too.
Yeah and people on death row.
Jesus Ronmy leg, my leg! What? I can't feel it! I'm paralyzed.
I've lost the use of my leg.
That means I'm going to be paralyzed too.
Wait, wait, false alarm, the feeling's coming back.
I think it was just asleep.
What were we thinking? Paralyzed, come on.
What was that? We're testing a new rabies vaccine.
What the hell? We're having difficulties getting it just quite right.
What? Look at my hand.
My skin's dry.
It's like my hand is just drying right up? It could be a super raging poison.
We're going to shrivel up into the bodies of 90 year Okay, you know what; this is ridiculous.
men in a few minutes.
Oh my god, but of course.
Look at us Ron.
Look at what we're doing, what we do every week.
Come on Pete No.
Oh my back.
Look at me Ron.
How does my skin look? You know what Dr.
Ng? Do I have any gray hairs? Oh my god you do have gray hairs.
I'm sick of you and your shitty experiments.
Jesus Ron, I'm scared.
What have they done to us? What the hell is this? You're a hack.
What? There's a lump, there's a huge lump on your shoulder! You're a cruel, mean, sick and twisted little bastard.
Why don't you crawl back into whatever hole you Cancer! Where do you think you're going? Experiment room #9.
Not dressed like that you're not.
came from and die? You know it's a sterile room.
And you, stupid sidekick, do you have any legitimate You need to wear proper Testico issued attire.
I am.
Oh really? medical traing; any credentials you scum? See I didn't get the rhinestone and cape memo.
I'm not going to let you sign in until you change.
I see that truth serum has already taken affect.
What's wrong peaches? Truth serum? Menopause? I thought I smelled something rotting4.
I don't understand why you think you're so cool Larry.
Very powerful.
Now get this; I quit.

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