That '70s Show s02e09 Episode Script

Hey, check it out, I’ve got an F on my rapport card.
An F? What did you fail? English! Isn’t thatwhat we speak? Hey, I got a B in Spanish! When did I start taking Spanish? Wow Donna! That’s a cigarette! Even worse, it’s a menthol! You’re gonna get suspended little lady! When did you start smoking? Well you just saw me light it! It’s haha, come on Donna, you know smoking causes cancer.
I know, but it makes me look cool, so it’s an even trade.
Hold this Jeez Forman! Hold it like a man would ya?! Shut up! Wow Donna, first you fail English, now you’re smoking.
Can I ask you, what are you doing?! Smokingfailing.
TEACHER: Hey Forman! Smoking on school property? No that’s not his, that’s mine! No, it’s ehhit’s mine Yeah! Mmm! Menthol! Eric! Quit it! TEACHER: Yeah okay! Let’s go Forman Dios mio, no es bueno! Eric Formans first suspension! I’m so proud! No wait, back up, why did you get suspended? Cause he’s stupid! They can do that?! No, he told them it was his cigarette, and that’s stupid! Please Donna, stop, don’t fall all over yourself thanking me.
I didn’t need your help! Yeah Forman, I think she wants to get in trouble.
It’s Donna’s little cry for help.
“Help me, help me” ! We hear you Donna, and we love you.
Get bend, you guys are jerks! Why am I a jerk, I don’t even know what’s going on! This is great.
Why did I even take the fall? I mean Donna doesn’t care and Red’s gonna kill me.
Relax Forman, he’s not gonna O wait did you say kill you? Hahahaha, yeah you’re right! Hyde this isn’t funny, Red isn’t on screw ups.
Getting suspended from school is right up there withbacking up over my mom.
Hey man, having a chick is about sacrifice.
Like Jackie, she wants do decorate my van with some of her girly stuff right.
So I tell her she can have one stuffed animal.
In the glovebox! See, sacrifice! Kelso, remember how you used to put your whole fist in your mouth? Yeah! Do it now! Damn why is everybody so crabby today?! What’s in the suitcase? Stuffed animals for in the van remember? Look Michael, I know we agreed on just one.
But then I got to think, and well, I want them all! But! But WHAT Michael?! But! Okay.
Ooooh ease up on her Kelso Sacrifice is hard So, my hostparents send me up on a blind date and she has a friend for you Hyde.
Finally, somebody to love! And it gets better! They’re not even blind! Get it? Blind? Screw you, that’s funny! Oh hi honey, you’re mom and I are going out tonight.
It’s happy hour are Swingels.
What’s Swingels? It’s a singles bar.
No, it’s a swingers bar! It’s both.
And you’re neither! Don’t get involved Donna, this is grown-up stuff.
Well, before you go, there’s my rapport card OH! An F? Donna, we’re very disappointed, and we’re gonna have a long talk about this! Yes we are! Right after happy hour.
Provided we don’t meet anyone.
Alright, I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ll be sure to try harder.
There’s our girl! Oh, wish us luck! Welcome home smoker! Oh no The school just called.
You’re lucky I answered the phone and not dad.
You didn’t tell? Eric! Ofcourse I didn’t tell! Well, if it isn’t Mister Smoker! Oh waityes I did I’m nervous! Don’t be nervous, you’ll get sweaty.
Oh no, too late! I can’t help it, this is my first official American date! That’s why I’m here Fez, to help you out man.
Unless they’re uggo’s, and then I’m gone.
There they are! And they’re not even uggo’s! Oh they’re hot! The blond is blondand hot! Yes, and since I set us up on this date, she’s mine, right? Well I can see why you’d think that, but actually, since I came along to help you out, American custom dictates that I get the blond.
Once again, the local custom bones the foreign guy.
America man! Love it or leave it.
This, this is Camomile the camel, he can sit in the backseat.
But Lama Cass here, she has to sit up in the front with us! Jackie, it’s just I thought all you wanted was to put in one little animal.
Well I know Michael, but this way, there will be even more things to remind you of me.
Don’t you like thinking about me? No ofcourse I do, the thing is, how can I say this without hurting your feelings Oh okay, I don’t want you stupid things in my cool van! OH! NO! I didn’t say you were stupid, just everything you like! Congratulations Eric, you got suspended.
Are you getting dumber? Gee I don’t think so.
Look dad, I don’t smoke.
Daddy, if Eric’s a smoker, and he lies about smoking, doesn’t that make him a smoking liar? Okay you know that’s enough.
Eric have some more pot roast, here is some mashed potatoes and here is a photo of a cancerous lung WOW! Mom, gross! Look, I don’t smoke! Okay, well either way, that is what’s gonna happen to your lungs if you keep on smoking.
Well the way he is screwing up his life, death will be a sweet release.
So I’ve got that to look forward to You got suspended pal! How do you think your college interviews are gonna go? MAN (with Red’s voice): Welllooks like we have a model student here! Excellent grades, secretary treasure of the AV-club Uhoh, what’s this?! You were suspended?! ERIC (with Kitty’s voice): Yes, sir, for smoking UCHE-UCH MAN (with Red’s voice): Well, we can’t have a loser like you at our school! I’m sorry to say you’re not Princeton material dumb-ass! ERIC (with Kitty’s voice): Oh if only UCHE-UCH I’d listened UCHE UCHE to my mother UCHE-UUUCHH Sorry What a lesson I have learned can I go? Sure Right after you smoke this entire pack of cigarettes! Yay Daddy! Oeh, tear off the filters! Dad, you can’t be serious Have I ever NOT been serious? Dad, I’m telling you the truth, okay you have to take my word for it, I don’t smoke! Your word huh It’s all a man has.
Oh now that’s nice! What a load of crap! Light up! Hey, I heard Eric got suspended?! Yeah and we’re all real proud! I’ll tell you what Red, I think Donna’s been having trouble because Eric’s a bad influence! Could bebut did you ever think the way you and Midge act like idiots that might be screwing her up? Nope, I’m pretty sure it’s Eric.
Well, that’s kinda stupid Bob.
Well I guess the truth hurts.
So does a swift kick in the ass! Alright I’m going! But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything Forman! I gotta disagree Bob! Gee Dad, thanks KEEP SWEEPING smoker! Jackie! Get in the van! No! Jackie! Get in the van! No! KELSO (soft): Get in the van No! KELSO (soft): Jackie - No.
KELSO (shouting): Jackie! Get in the van! - Hey.
- Hi.
So, what do you wanna do, you wanna watch some TV or eat some ice cream or.
.
I don’t know, apologize to me? I’m sorry! Well you should be! Okay, I’m sorry, I was expecting more of a fight.
Did you get in a lot of trouble for of the cigarette? - Surprisingly, yes.
Turns out Red has a temper, so yeahwho knew - Really ? And.
.
uh your dad doesn’t like me anymore.
That’s okay.
Cause I do! What is HE doing here? Who? Maybe you should get off me so I could like run away? You better get outta here! Okay, FINE, I’ll get outta here! Actually I think he was talking to me Come on! Uh okay boy this is awkward, with Donna and the yelling and uh MARY: So then my pastor said it’s okay to get a B once in a while, nobody’s perfect! Except you know who! You know, it’s so refreshing to meet someone who’s believes are the complete opposite of mine MARY: Well I’m episcopalian and my best friend’s presbyterian, but we’re still best friends! It’s hard work, but.
.
it’s worth it! I bet you make really good punch huh MARY: Oh my gosh the best! PATTY: I mean, the teachers say they deserve our respect, but they don’t! I mean who are they to teach us about history and maths? Hm.
I do feel rebellious sexual tensions PATTY: I mean, it’s like Malcolm X said, by any means necessary! You like Malcolm X? Hey, who doesn’t like Malcolm X? PATTY: You heard of Malcolm X in Panama? Oh no, I’m not from Panama, I’m from Hey Fez, come here American custom be damned, I want you to have the blond! Oh my God! Blondes are notorious whores! Thank you Hyde! Not a problem FEZ : Hi! Bye! Come on Jackie.
Just get in the van No! Jackie.
Just get in the van No! - Jackie - No! - Get in the - No! - Jackie - No! Jackie-get-in-the-van! No! Alright.
I’m just gonna leave now Bye Ah dammit Jackie GET IN THE VAN! Nope.
MARY: Well I heard G-11, so naturally I yelled out: BINGO! Boy was the pastor cheesed at me Great story So you are a blond? MARY: Yeah, natural! I can’t believe you like all the same bands that I like! PATTY: Yeah, I just like music that’s passionate and rebellious and really pisses off my dad! MARY: Oh Patty don’t say ‘piss’! OH! Hey, you know what’ll really piss off you dad? You and me grab a twelvepack and stay out all night! PATTY: I can’t.
I have a big test tomorrow.
That’s funny.
Let’s go.
PATTY: No really, I’ve gotta go study.
Study? You don’t study, you’ve got a tattoo! PATTY: Hyde, rebellion is cool and all, but I want to get into a good college so I can fight the system from the inside.
It was nice meeting you though! Mary? MARY: Oh no, go ahead without me So Fez, uhm, my parents aren’t home, wanna come back to my house? I have a hot-tub! That would be super! Donna is it me, or does your dad hating me make me even more sexy? Sure.
Yeah, I think he senses my bad-boyness Yeah Eric, you’re a parents worst nightmare Yes.
Yes I am! Mom what are you doing?! Nothing! And you you just you do as I say and not as I do! Ahh hey mom, cool, give me a drag Okay, now see, Laurie is doing as I do, that is wrong! What is going on out here? Eric!! Are you smoking again?! I think he is daddy! No he is not! I DON’T SMOKE! I think this might be my fault, I think he is just imitating me so he can look cool.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Forman, Eric got caught holding my cigarette at school.
I’m the one who was smoking.
Ooooww Well Donna, thank you for your honesty.
WHAT?! How come you believe HER?! I told you I don’t smoke! Okay, I’m gonna go home now, sogoodnight! Eric’s not in trouble now?! FINE! Well nowI think you have something to say to Eric.
Oh yeah Nice job on the driveway Red! Okay, just Okay, I’m gonna say I’m sorry but you knowyou do lie a lot! What have I lied about?! You lied about the beer keg, the dent in the VistaCruiser, you lied when you said you weren’t taking the car out of town! What, you knew about that?! I do now! OH! Ha! We’re even! Oh dad, you’ve got to be kidding me.
Okay.
I’m sorry I made you smoke all those cigarettes.
Okay, yeah.
That’s okay.
Actually I kinda liked them Watch it! Nah, I think they’ll go great with beer! So does a swift kick in the ass! Jackie, get in the van! No! Okay FINE! I GIVE UP, I GIVE UP! You can keep your stuffed animals in the van.
Do you really mean it? Yeah, just one.
- Five.
- Two.
- Four.
- Three.
- Four.
- Deal.
Five! Ah alright.
.
Five! Six! FIVE! So, you have me in your tub.
If you tried to send a sexy message, then message recieved! MARY: Well Fez, I know we made out in my parents bedroom and I know we frenched in the poolhouse and I know that may seem romantic to some people Tell me something I don’t know! MARY: I have a boyfriend.
See, that I did not know! MARY: Fez I really like you, but he’s in college and we’re still faithful.
I see.
You know, there are many ways to remain faithful yet still have fun! MARY: Really? - Oh yes.
Ahhh, that’s much better! - Hey.
- Hey.
So I told Bob and Midge that it was my cigarette.
And how did that go? Really good, they grounded me.
Cool.
So what are you doing over here? Snuck out.
Being grounded makes it so much naughtier! You know Donna, I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents, I mean, for instance, a lot of girls when they’re having a bad time at home just go slutty! You know what Eric? You’re right! Let’s have sex RIGHT NOW! - Really? - No.
Stop doing that!