That '70s Show s02e15 Episode Script

Oh Rerun’s not smart.
What’s Happening? I’ll tell you what’s happening—hilarity.
Yeah no kidding.
“Hey Hey Hey!” That’s just funny man.
Hey, hey can you guys keep it down a bit please? Hyde there’s lipstick on your chin.
Hyde, why are you putting lipstick on your chin? It’s for your lips.
Hey, maybe he’s got a girl back there.
So Hyde, who’s the lucky lady? I never kiss and tell.
It’s Kat Peterson.
Yeah right, you’re in your bedroom with the most popular girl in school.
Yeah, what happened to Farrah Fawcett? Did her car break down? Look, just keep it down alright? You’re killing the mood.
Hyde there’s no mood because there’s no one back there.
Hey Michael.
Ok so we’re all set for our big dinner party! Oh yea, the big dinner party.
So here… “You and a guest are cordially invited for an evening of cocktails, dinner, and TV.
” The attire is semi-formal-casual.
Ah, finally I can wear my tuxedo T-shirt.
Uh sorry Fez, I forgot to invite you and Hyde.
Oh, but it’s never too late.
Ok bye! Don’t worry Fez, I’m sure you and Hyde can come.
No Michael, they can’t.
Ok, I get it.
They can’t come.
Come with me.
Nooo!! Ok, I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you don’t make me go to this party.
- Show me the hundred.
- Damn!! Well, the party’s tomorrow night so I better go home and start putting on cologne now.
KAT: So, that was fun.
No, Disneyland is fun, that was nasty.
Oh my god Hyde, Kat Peterson, nice.
Yup, she’s slumin’ it, I’m lovin’ it.
Red, Honey, would you go to Bob and Midge’s and get my casserole dish? I’m making Tuna Surprise tonight.
Well now that I know, you’ve ruined the surprise.
It’s for Scrabble night.
Bob and Midge love Tuna Surprise.
Yeah, but I don’t love Bob and Midge.
Well Red I have to keep inviting them over, they keep inviting us.
That’s because you keep inviting them.
Somebody’s got to break the chain or it’ll go on forever.
Red, they’re the only friends we have since you made Phyllis cry.
I didn’t say anything about Phyllis’ weight that the whole room didn’t already know.
Donna, I’m going to have dinner parties all the time when I’m Mrs.
Michael Kelso, Esquire.
Just think about it.
- Do it have to? - Oh shhh….
.
“So there’s sprinkled moon dust in your hair and golden starlight and your eyes are blue…” They’re brown.
I know.
Oh Kelso, you little so and so.
I’d nary a notion of your songbird ways, having thought you merely a captain of industry and a king among men.
Eric, cease your fawning and let us discuss the fox hunt.
But first, I crave a French pastry, where’s the help? Apologies good sire, I was in the stables brushing the horses, secretly entertaining the notion of a sensual tryst with a lady.
Top drawer! Top drawer! top drawer….
.
Hello?? Oh, hey Bob.
Oh, hi Red.
Stop it! You know what might make this party a little more fun? Sweet death.
Hyde! Fez! MICHAEL!! Oh good, it’s Hyde, Fez, and Michael.
Hello fellas, what’s to eat? Are these melon balls for anyone? Why are they here? I invited them because you’re always discussing manners and I wanted to be mannerly.
He’s mannerly.
Hey Chuck! Oh no, Chuck’s here.
Why? Why Michael? Why would invite all these people? Why would you do this? Well, I was thinking that if a party with 10 people was fun, then a party with 30 people would be twice as much fun.
Michael, I didn’t want twice as much fun, I wanted a small, classy party.
Jackie, just because there’s a couple more people doesn’t mean it can’t still be classy.
TIMMY: Hey everybody, I’m taking off my pants!! No hair? None…well, a little.
Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald? Geez Kitty, I don’t know.
I barely looked.
Ok I need a visual aid.
It was so uncomfortable.
I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy.
Uh huh, ok, uh huh Really?? Hey, hey, would it kill you to use a coaster? Bunch of wild hooligans here.
Oh, sorry Red.
Well, you know, it was gonna leave a ring.
That’s so true Kitty.
Eric, look this isn’t your house.
You aren’t going to get in trouble for any of this so loosen up.
Yeah, I guess I could do that.
Oh my god, it’s like I’m seeing colors I’ve never seen before.
Hey Kat, want a beer? KAT: No…thanks She just blew me off man? Do you believe that? Yes I do.
I really, really do.
Michael, are they drinking out of my parent’s crystal? Yeah Jackie, they were trying to drink straight from the bottle and I said ‘No, no, use the crystal, cause it’s classy.
’ Michael I’m going to go upstairs and feel sorry for myself and you, you are gonna fix this.
Fix it? Jackie, you’re having the party of the year here.
Damn, I do not get women! Yes, neither does Hyde, right Hyde? You ok? Donna please, I really don’t want to talk about Michael.
Ok, so what is your honest opinion about Michael? Umm, by honest you mean… Donna, please learn to listen.
Ok fine, honestly, you have certain expectations of Kelso that may not be entirely realistic.
You want him to be sophisticated and smart, but actually he’s unsophisticated and unsmart.
RANDOM GUY: Hey you guys are really bringing down the make out room.
Well, I’m gonna have to pass, I’ve got nothing.
Would you look at her Fez, acting like she’s hot stuff? So she’s really good looking and everyone likes her, I’m real impressed.
Yeah, I know how it is.
You think you know somebody, but then it turns out he lied about making out with Kat Peterson.
Hyde! Fez! What is this a funeral? Why aren’t you guys getting down? Well my friend, Hyde is way too lovesick to get down.
Love sick? I don’t love her man.
I just think we should be having sex and all because she’d enjoy it.
Hyde, I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.
But seriously Hyde, this is a party, so loosen up… Like me, whoopsie daisy! Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up.
She’s throwing a great party down here and she’s missing it.
Kelso you don’t get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie and you crapped on it.
Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh? Thanks Hyde.
Yeah, so you did something horrible, but it’s Jackie, so who cares? No wait, what are you saying? I’m saying you burned her man, royally.
Nice job.
But no, man, I didn’t want to burn her.
I invited all these people to make it fun, so the party would be good.
She didn’t want a good party, she wanted her party.
You know what? You’re right Fez.
Alright, this party’s over.
Everybody out! No, Kelso, what are you saying man? Think! You know what guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking.
You know I’m in danger of ruining the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and I am not going to let that happen.
Kelso… Do not interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I’m going to put Jackie’s needs first and she’s going to be so proud of me! Whoa! WHOA MAN, THIS IS A RAGER! Give me your brandies.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! God, how dare you say that about me and Michael!? Jackie, you wanted my honest opinion.
Your honest opinion that we’re great together.
Look, you were wrong about Michael.
He knows he made a mistake and he’s going to make it up to me.
You wait and see.
Uh Jackie, where’s the fire extinguisher? S-I-T.
That’s “sit.
” Oh my, yes it is…again.
Yeah, Midge has got quite a lead.
Your turn Red.
Ok fine.
“Cue ball” I’m sorry Bob, I uh….
Sorry? Why apologize to me? I like billiards.
Billiards are fun.
Ok, so you all know.
I don’t know anything.
I wear a toupee.
Bob! If you tell them, they’ll know! I wear a rug, so what? You know….
.
I wish I had a toupee.
You know, because you know, the way my hair is sometimes.
Look Bob, being isn’t something a man has to hide from.
A toupee is just silly.
I keep telling him that if he grew as much hair on his head as he does on his back, he’d have a full head of hair! I know it’s silly, I guess I’m vain.
Every morning I wake up wishing I had the courage to walk around looking like you.
But I don’t, Red.
I don’t.
I guess that makes me a bad person.
Look Bob, I didn’t mean to make you….
No, no, you know what? You’re right Red, you’re right.
Maybe it’s time I stop living the lie.
Sinuses.
Alright, alright.
I was wrong, you need the toupee.
Put it back on.
‘Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I’ve waited so long for school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you hey hey Donna!!” Eric, get down off there right now! What’s the problem Donna? TIMMY: Yeah, what’s the problem Donna? Timmy, go get your pants on or I’ll beat the crap out of you! Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up? Oh yeah baby.
Well, tighten up baby.
When the house is on fire, the party’s over.
Well, hey, this was your idea.
Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.
Well I’m new at this so sue me.
Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna! Eric! KAT: Hello Steven.
Oh, I see how this is gonna be.
So when you’re with your little clique, you’re too good for me.
KAT: Right, but they’re gone now, so….
hi.
You know, for a rich girl, you’re kind of skanky.
Come on, let me show you the garage.
That proves nothing! Son of a bitch.
Wait Jackie, I owe you an apology.
I just wanted to help tonight and I guess I blew it.
I’m sorry.
Yeah, lately you’ve been sorry a lot Michael.
Yeah, but this time I mean it.
Actually, he does.
He felt very bad and said tender words about you and then, he set your house on fire.
See he loves you, but he’s just, he’s just stupid.
- Thank you Fez.
- Sure.
Jackie, I do love you and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy with me.
Yeah, well I’m beginning to think that you’re never going to make me happy.
What are you saying? I’m saying I have a lot of thinking to do.
Whoo, dodged a bullet there, huh Fez? Nothing good came out of this night, although I did find out that brandy’s flammable.
Yeah, that’s worth knowing.
Oh and uh, gasoline for future reference.
I just don’t get chicks, man.
God Donna, men are stupid.
How can they not know what we want? I think they know what we want, but they just won’t give it to us.
You know? It’s so simple.
Yeah, it’s confusing, huh? Oh my god, the most horrifying moment, Eric sang to me.
Hey, I sang to Donna.
Yeah, she kinda melted.
I mean, she called me a dink, but I don’t think she meant it.
Eric was such a dink tonight.
And I mean it.
Totally.