That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006) s04e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Welcome back to Late Night Dog Poker here on Dave.
Yes, Late Night Dog Poker - rejected by the BBC, chosen by Dave.
It's just something we're trying.
And we've got an absolutely cracking night of Late Night Dog Poker in prospect.
And I, for one, am very excited.
What about you, Peter? Very excited, Ted.
Now, I defer to you, Peter, as being a bit more au fait with the Are they called rules in poker? We do call them "rules".
With the rules.
So, Peter is the resident card shark.
Yes.
Even though his lifetime poker winnings are 300 grand less than mine.
Butyou've never won any money playing poker, Ted.
You walked into that one, Peter.
But it's not Peter's money that the dogs will be playing with tonight.
Whose money will they be playing with, then? That's not clear.
That's one of the many things about this show that's not yet clear.
I wish I was at the Crucible now.
We both do, Peter.
We both do.
Have you been hoarding GOLD, got hordes of unwanted GOLD lying around? If you send it to Dosh4gold, you can turn that GOLD into cold hard DOSH.
I sent in my hoarded GOLD from my first pillage and I was amazed how much DOSH Dosh4gold sent me.
LOADS of actual DOSH! Ha-har! Just pop your gold into this totally secure envelope, post it to us at Dosh4gold, and we'll send you some dosh in this totally secure envelope.
I sent in my hoarded gold, and with this dosh I received, I bought a whole new identity and a bread maker.
Thank you, Dosh4gold! With the price of GOLD at a high, there's never been a better time to get DOSH for it.
Remember, we are a multi-billion dollar international company and not a front for a greedy dragon.
So if you aren't happy with the DOSH we send, we'll be happy to return your gold in this envelope.
So long as you don't mind it melty.
Call us NOW.
NOW is the best time to swap your gold, which does not burn in a dragon's fiery breath, for paper, which does.
Do it NOW.
Send us gold, NOW! Send us more gold, NOW! Well done on the Comic Relief thing.
Oh, one does one's best.
You can really dance! I'd just never have thought you could dance.
It's quite a revelation.
Just never have imagined it.
No, neither would I.
I'd never have imagined it.
You got hidden talents, James? Yes, I can put a lighter up each nostril.
Um Oh, here you go.
Oh, you see, I never would've imagined you could do that.
I never would've imagined that.
What about you, David, got any hidden talents? Just cunnilingus.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
OH, yeah.
OH, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
'Coming up on The Gift Shop Sketch' Can I help you? I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Brian is looking for a gift for his aunt.
' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Has he come to the right place? 'Find out, in part two of The Gift Shop Sketch.
'In The Gift Shop Sketch so far, Brian' Can I help you, sir? '.
.
is looking for a gift for his aunt.
' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
You've come to the right place.
'Has he come to the right place?' You've come to the right place, this is a gift shop.
Yes, this is what I was thinking.
'But is Brian thinking right? 'He thinks he's in the right place, will he get that gift he needs?' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Find out, in part three of The Gift Shop Sketch.
'Coming up in The Gift Shop Sketch' How about this dog? 'The shopkeeper makes a suggestion.
' How about this dog? 'What will Brian's reaction be?' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'But what sort?' How about this dog? 'We know the shopkeeper says that, but what does Brian, who's' Looking for a gift for my aunt.
'.
.
say before that?' The sort of gift that, if it were a quote, it would be apposite.
How about this woollen dog? 'Does the shopkeeper have a woollen dog? Will Brian like it? 'Find out in part four of The Gift Shop Sketch! 'Previously on The Gift Shop Sketch.
' This woollen dog? Yes, I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Coming up in part four.
' Perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! 'What does Brian say that about?' How about this woollen dog? 'Is it that?' This woollen dog? It's like you've met my aunt! 'Coming up in The Gift Shop Sketch - the end of The Gift Shop Sketch.
' Eh? 'But first, the bit before the end.
' That's perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.
Daddy! 'And now the end.
' Eh? 'And now, them both together.
' That's perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.
Daddy! Eh? 'Which is a world away from how it started.
' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Next week on The Gift Shop Sketch.
' Can I help you, sir? 'Until thengoodnight.
' Can I help you, sir? I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
You've come to the right place, this is a gift shop.
This is what I was thinking.
What were you looking for? The sort of thing that, if it were a quote, it would be apposite.
How about this woollen dog? Perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.
Daddy! Eh? What a lovely walk! We had a lovely walk, didn't we? Right then, where's Monkey? Where's Monkey gone? Monkey goes, "Monkey, monkey, monkey.
" Since when? Up yours! Up yours! Let's find Monkey! Monkey's gone missing, hasn't he? A bit like Mummy's libido or sense of fun.
Up yours! Up yours! Here he is! Perhaps Mummy's libido would return faster if Daddy weren't such a smelly alcoholic! (I'm under a lot of pressure! A lot of pressure!) Let's give Monkey a kiss.
BABY GURGLES Oh! Does Monkey want to give you a kiss? Give me the Monkey.
Up yours! Yes! Here comes a kiss from Monkey.
It's nicer than being kissed by Daddy, isn't it? Being kissed by Daddy is like a close encounter with Satan's arsehole, isn't it? Up yours! Up yours! What a lovely smile.
Good girl! We apologise for that temporary loss of transmission.
We can now return you to The Quiz Broadcast.
No! No, Peter! You can't open the box, it's not that part of the round yet! There's food inside, you said there was food! No! You can't open it, you've got to guess! I'm too hungry to guess! THUMP! Oh! Oh! Now calm down or I'll tranquillise you! We ate the tranquillisers days ago.
Give me the box! There are rules! No, I've followed the rules for too long, where's my food? Look, Sheila's playing the game properly.
If we play the game, I'm sure the food will come.
They won't leave us here.
We play the game, then the food will come.
Exactly, now get back on your podium and do the boxes.
That's better.
Now, Peter, it's time to play Open The Box! We can't open the boxes anyway.
Yes, we can.
Of course, we can.
They're welded shut.
The engineer will help us when he comes back.
He's not coming back - one of his shoes fell out of the ducting.
It had a foot in it.
He has been taken up! I'm sure he just left his foot as a promise that he'll be back soon.
Peter, will you please guess how much the first box is worth in money? Come on.
I don't know25 money.
Good guess, possibly.
And Sheila? We ate his foot.
Yes, we did eat his foot, Sheila, buthow much is the box worth? I don't know! Another good guess.
Well done, both of you.
And that means it's time to remain indoors and see what the banker has to offer! ALL: # Ring-ring, ring-ring.
# No, still no-one there.
I can't remember her face.
So, this is our famous Late Night Poker under-the-table angle.
This allows us to see what cards the various dogs are holding.
Well, you say "holding" Just go with it, Peter.
It's not working out.
If you didn't want to end up here, you should never have said that thing about Dame Kelly Holmes.
All I said was Don't, Peter.
All I said Why? Why say it again? I said that Peter.
We're down to Late Night Dog Poker, say it again and then what? Fish golf? All I said An An interesting play there, from the That dog.
Yes.
An interesting play there, by that dog.
It's amazing, isn't it? How well these dogs have taken to the game of poker? Well, it's certainly a big hit compared to Dog Snooker.
Dog Snooker was a bit of misstep by Dave.
In hindsight, they were always going to shit in the pockets.
Merry Christmas, Hennimore.
My, God! What's happened to your face?! Sorry, sir, the doctor says it's brought on by stress.
What?! You shouldn't be consulting doctors, Hennimore, you work for Capulets Caplets, the country's leading pharmaceutical manufacturer.
Here, try one of our new voice-activated nerve-cure pills.
Doesn't seem to be working, sir.
Ah, here's the science bit - they're voice-activated, triggered in this instance, and all instances, by the phrase, "Merry Christmas!" It's a miracle! No, the un-sexualised birth of our tiny Lord Jesus Christ is a miracle, a miracle that we at this company have not lost sight of with our annual award-winning all-male living crib, where the winner of the company's bonniest baby competition is rewarded with the role of the aforementioned infant God.
Quite the honour, sir.
This year, I've developed a pill to make the celebrations go with a swing.
Don't worry, Hennimore, I'm not talking about Ecstasy or PCP, this isn't some injectile morphiate or backstreet sphincter loosener, it's just wholesome Christmas-y goodwill, the spirit of love and giving in a tablet, also activated by the phrase, "Merry Christmas.
" I call it Ding Dong Merrily On High, and it's up to you to slip 600 of these into the pre-crib party punch while I show the Archbishop of Milton Keynes round the building.
The Archbishop of Milton Keynes? Yes.
His Grace is honouring us with a viewing of our famous crib.
Isn't he the one? Nothing was ever proved.
On an unrelated note, our other big Christmas seller is to be the erectile dysfunction refunctioniser.
There's nothing like Christmas for getting in the mood for one last go at intercourse.
It's being marketed as Dong Merrily On High as I'm reliably informed that Dong is a slang word for tallywhacker or piss piglet.
It too is activated by the festive phrase, "Merry Christmas," and it's up to you to hand 600 of those over to the courier, who'll be distributing them to the country's 50 most flaccid branches of Boots.
Right you are, sir.
I'm very relaxed about this assignment, Hennimore, and I can see little possibility of any piss-piglet-up.
The lob-on enabler is clearly labelled Dong Merrily On High, and the Christmas-cheer bringer Ding Dong Merrily On High, but for a ding-dong with the printers - they've omitted the first word.
Clear? Erhonestly? Good lad.
And here, Your Grace, is our award-winning crib, featuring the winner of our bonniest baby competition, and he is certainly an attractive little mite, as everyone here agrees.
Merry Christmas! Hennimore! Wouldn't it be great to make everyone think we'd landed on the moon? That'd show the Soviets.
What would it show them? Well, they'd think we'd landed on the moon and they'd be all afraid.
Do this right and the Cold War could be over by 1971.
Why don't we just release the footage of the Mars landings? No, no.
It's vitally important that we keep the successful mission to Mars a secret, but I've got a hunch that if we pretend to land on the moon, that will be in some way intimidating.
Will people believe us? Oh, I'm sure they will.
To the extent that we won't even need to bother to pay much attention to detail, with regard to flags and shadows, and so on.
You're the top spy when it comes to misleading footage, what do you suggest? Well, to start with, we'll need to build a massive rocket.
Why? We're not going.
Sorry, I thought that was the point.
Have I got this wrong? We'll need a rocket because the first question people will ask when we show the footage will be, "How did you get there?" So we'll have to be able to say, "We went in that massive rocket you saw.
" Hmm.
So, we're not actually going to make any kind of saving in terms of the cost of a massive rocket? No, but we will be making a saving on the cost of actually going to the moon.
True, and what costs are involved in actually going to the moon? Well, the main one, to be honest, is the massive rocket.
Any others? Well, other than that, it's mainly catering.
So we'll make a saving on that? Well, no.
In fact, it'll probably be more expensive to cater for an entire film crew for the duration of a shoot than it would be to feed three astronauts.
So, erm I'm just wondering, we have to build the massive rocket capable of going to the moon? We will have to do that, yes.
So, I was just thinking, if we've built the moon rocket, might it not be cheaper to just pop to the moon and fake the footage there? Fake the footage of the fake moon landing on the moon? What if people found out? That's a risk we're just going to have to take.
So, you know how you were saying you were really good at cunnilingus? Yes.
So, you're really good at cunnilingus? Yes, I am.
What? Well, nothing.
Just, um Well, no-one else seemed very surprised.
And you are surprised? No.
No, I'm not.
I'm not saying I'm surprised, I'm not saying I'm unsurprised.
I'm I'm surprised, I'm really surprised.
Right.
I mean, how D'you mind talking about this? Not at all, what do you need to know? Well, I suppose I'm just asking, you know, when did you I mean, who told you that you Cuni Um What?! Look, Rob, I'm very, very good at cunnilingus.
I'm not boasting, I have a natural aptitude and I've practised very hard.
Ultimately, I'm good at it because I love it.
I love women.
Do you?! And it's all about the woman.
It's about making the woman feel comfortable.
It's just about giving yourself over to the moment.
Sharing yourself completely with the most intimate part of her sex.
Her fanny? Yes.
Her fanny.
Right.
Look, Rob, there's no need to be jealous.
I can teach you to be good at cunnilingus.
How are you going to do that? Sorry, Mike, could I have a quick word? Er, yeah.
Just in my office, if you don't mind, not in front of everyone else.
A bit private.
OK.
Just, er, come on in.
Just come on in.
Just come on in, Mike.
Shut the door, will you? Take a seat, Mike.
Actually, I'll stand.
Fair enough.
Now, Mike, I'm afraid it's been brought to my attention Actually, I can't really look you in the eye because of the plant.
Why don't I stand? Er Actually, tell you what, I'll come round.
Now, Mike, people in the office, and I'm not going to say who, have noticed that you've been borrowing office photocopier paper for your home printer.
No, I haven't.
Yes, you have, Mike.
This was found on the staff notice board.
What was? This.
What? This, that I'm holding in my hand.
I can't see.
Oh.
Yeah, OK.
Hang on.
Hang on just a sec.
This, Mike.
Oh, that.
That's just an invitation to my barbecue.
Yes, it is, Mike, and it's printed on paper watermarked with the M3 Digital logo, who a) supply laser printer and photocopier paper to this office, and b) do not supply to the general public HE BURPS Sorry.
Anyway.
So, you've been taking office paper home, or you've been printing out non-work related materials on office equipment.
Either way, that's not acceptable from someone working in this office.
All right, Martin, I did take some paper, but it was only a few sheets.
It wasn't just a few sheets, Mike.
I'm going to have to get Alan in here.
Could you pass me the phone please, Mike? Mike, please, the phone.
Yeah, I I can't really get to Er, ahem.
Alan, can you come in here, please? Come on in, Alan.
Martin.
Mike.
Now, Alan, could you please tell Mike what you told me.
Mike, I saw you take three reams of paper from the photocopier last Thursday and put them in your car.
Oh, shit! Don't worry, Mike, it's not a serious offence.
I've not called you in here to sack you, just relax.
It's not a warning, it's a pre-warning.
OK.
Sorry, Martin, it won't happen again.
No hard feelings, Mike.
Just get back to your desk and get those orders coming in.
Will do.
Oh, and, er, Mike I'd love to come to your barbecue on Sunday.
OK, see you then.
Oh, erm, Alan, would you mind staying? I've got some stuff through from head office to discuss with you.
Sure, Martin.
Bye, Mike, see you Sunday.
Bye.
Bye, Mike.
See you, Alan.
Bye.
Bye, Mike.
Actually, Mike, you might as well stay for this.
Right, OK.
And you join us as the dogs continue to play to the best of their abilities.
And we've decided, for the sake of speed, to take any disturbance of the chips at all as a bet.
And yet still, none of the dogs has knocked out any of the other dogs.
Now, Peter, if you were this young Chihuahua, which card would you play? Well, you don't really have to play cards in poker, Ted, you just get them.
Right, so it's not like Whist? What, where each dog has to hold a hand, or should I say paw, of 13 cards and then plays them in sequence following suit? Yeah.
No.
I think even Dave thought that was a bit ambitious.
So, if it's not like Whist, is it like Strip Jack Naked, or Stop The Bus? No.
What about Draw The Well Dry or Bullshit? It is quite like Bullshit.
That That St Bernard seems to be getting the hang of it.
Is that a St Bernard? I don't know, Ted.
I don't know anything about dogs.
Neither do I, Peter.
And I don't know anything about poker either.
What I know about is snooker.
Well, then, you shouldn't have tried to finger Hazel.
I did not finger Hazel.
I didn't say you fingered Hazel, I said you shouldn't have tried to finger Hazel.
Lesbian.
No, it is a St Bernard.
Have you got any old, unwanted or unsecured plutonium just lying around? If you send it to Cash4plutonium, you can turn it into cold, hard CASH! I had some plutonium left over from the Cold War.
I wasn't expecting to get much cash, but Cash4Plutonium sent me LOTS of cash for my plutonium! Your old, useless and unwanted plutonium could be feeding mankind's never-ending appetite for self-destruction.
Pop your plutonium into this totally secure envelope, post it to us at the address on your screen, and we'll send you some cash.
With the cash we got for our unsecured plutonium, we bought more plutonium.
Hum de la-la! If you're happy with the CASH we offer, you could be holding that CASH in a few days and not holding plutonium.
And they do mean CASH.
Remember, money does not grow on trees, and come the nuclear winter, neither will anything else.
You can take the cash and buy a plasma-screen TV, some fruit or something you might like.
It genuinely doesn't matter.
We accept any old plutonium you have stashed around the house - in your dresser draw, down the back of the sofa or wherever you keep it.
And we offer a better price than other internet plutonium buyers.
Thank you, Cash4plutonium! Remember, we are a reputable international company, not a transparent front for a crazed Bond villain.
Call the number on your screen NOW.
Swap your plutonium, which melts your face, for cash, which doesn't.
NOW, the reason for our urgency should be apparent, this is plutonium we're talking about.
(Send us plutonium now! Plutonium!) Really try to feel the space and feel the presence of everyone around you.
And then, try to imagine the world, the world that we're about to create on the stage.
Don't worry about the text for the time being, put that to one side and just try to feel your way through.
And when you're ready, vocalise it, make a sound.
It doesn't have to be words, just a small honest sound that tells me what you're feeling.
Eugh-ew-uh! OK, very good, Steve.
We cannot surrender! Oh, wonderful work.
OK.
Well, maybe that's a good time to stop.
Let's take five, everybody.
Great.
Paul, hi! I didn't think you were going to make it to rehearsal.
Yeah, I had that meeting, but that's finished.
Great, you can join us for the afternoon session.
Do you want to lead the workshop? Actually, Mark, I wanted to talk to you about something.
I know what you're thinking - our devised piece about Tiananmen Square isn't as avant-garde as it should be, yeah.
But it will be, I promise.
No, it wasn't that.
I'm sure the devising process will be as fulfilling and daring as ever.
No, it's just that I had this meeting and Mark, when you've got a moment, could I have a quick chat to you about an adaptation of some of Sartre's writing I've been doing where we're all blindfolded? I think it might highlight multiculturalism.
Oh, that's great, Steve, that's great.
But can you just give us a moment? Oh, sorry.
Yes, sure.
Er, my meeting.
Who was it with, Paul? It was with Lion Bars.
You had a meeting with Lion Bars? It was the people who make Lion Bars, and And they were saying that Lion Bars could sponsor our show if we put Lion Bars on the poster and eat Lion Bars all the way through it.
Lion Bars? Yes, it's a pretty amazing deal from the guys at Lion Bars.
They were saying that we can have pretty much as many Lion Bars as we want, for the production and for when we're rehearsing.
Lion Bars? Yeah, look.
That is literally nothing compared to the amount of Lion Bars we could have.
They were saying that, basically, we can have an endless supply of Lion Bars.
And then, if they give us loads and loads of Lion Bars for the run, like more Lion Bars than you've ever seen in one place, but then we run out because we've been eating them on stage, and in the wings when we're waiting to go on because we like the chocolate so much, I could just go back to the Lion Bar building and get a load more Lion Bars.
They've got so many.
Paul, we're trying to bring the Tiananmen Square massacre to life, examining its drive and its politics.
I just don't think that's going to work if everyone's eating Lion Bars all the way through.
Yeah, but look how much it looks like a lion's mouth! Oh, that one didn't really work, but you get the general idea.
Roar! Oh.
OK, well, how much money are they offering? Money? Not money, Mark, Lion Bars.
Lion Bars, not money.
What do you mean, not money? Sorry, could I have a Lion Bar? You can have as many as you like, Steve, they're free.
Really? What, free-free? Yeah, just dig in, that's the tip of the chocolate-y iceberg.
Wow! That's amazing! Roar! That one worked.
So, Steve, do you think it would hurt your Sartre play if we were all eating Lion Bars all the way through it? Would we get free Lion Bars? As many as we want.
I think it would make it brillianter! So, what d'you say, Mark? "Lion Bar presents a wafer, caramel and crisp, "rice-covered indictment of Tiananmen Square.
" Well OK! Hooray! One-nil to theatre!
Yes, Late Night Dog Poker - rejected by the BBC, chosen by Dave.
It's just something we're trying.
And we've got an absolutely cracking night of Late Night Dog Poker in prospect.
And I, for one, am very excited.
What about you, Peter? Very excited, Ted.
Now, I defer to you, Peter, as being a bit more au fait with the Are they called rules in poker? We do call them "rules".
With the rules.
So, Peter is the resident card shark.
Yes.
Even though his lifetime poker winnings are 300 grand less than mine.
Butyou've never won any money playing poker, Ted.
You walked into that one, Peter.
But it's not Peter's money that the dogs will be playing with tonight.
Whose money will they be playing with, then? That's not clear.
That's one of the many things about this show that's not yet clear.
I wish I was at the Crucible now.
We both do, Peter.
We both do.
Have you been hoarding GOLD, got hordes of unwanted GOLD lying around? If you send it to Dosh4gold, you can turn that GOLD into cold hard DOSH.
I sent in my hoarded GOLD from my first pillage and I was amazed how much DOSH Dosh4gold sent me.
LOADS of actual DOSH! Ha-har! Just pop your gold into this totally secure envelope, post it to us at Dosh4gold, and we'll send you some dosh in this totally secure envelope.
I sent in my hoarded gold, and with this dosh I received, I bought a whole new identity and a bread maker.
Thank you, Dosh4gold! With the price of GOLD at a high, there's never been a better time to get DOSH for it.
Remember, we are a multi-billion dollar international company and not a front for a greedy dragon.
So if you aren't happy with the DOSH we send, we'll be happy to return your gold in this envelope.
So long as you don't mind it melty.
Call us NOW.
NOW is the best time to swap your gold, which does not burn in a dragon's fiery breath, for paper, which does.
Do it NOW.
Send us gold, NOW! Send us more gold, NOW! Well done on the Comic Relief thing.
Oh, one does one's best.
You can really dance! I'd just never have thought you could dance.
It's quite a revelation.
Just never have imagined it.
No, neither would I.
I'd never have imagined it.
You got hidden talents, James? Yes, I can put a lighter up each nostril.
Um Oh, here you go.
Oh, you see, I never would've imagined you could do that.
I never would've imagined that.
What about you, David, got any hidden talents? Just cunnilingus.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
OH, yeah.
OH, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
'Coming up on The Gift Shop Sketch' Can I help you? I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Brian is looking for a gift for his aunt.
' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Has he come to the right place? 'Find out, in part two of The Gift Shop Sketch.
'In The Gift Shop Sketch so far, Brian' Can I help you, sir? '.
.
is looking for a gift for his aunt.
' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
You've come to the right place.
'Has he come to the right place?' You've come to the right place, this is a gift shop.
Yes, this is what I was thinking.
'But is Brian thinking right? 'He thinks he's in the right place, will he get that gift he needs?' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Find out, in part three of The Gift Shop Sketch.
'Coming up in The Gift Shop Sketch' How about this dog? 'The shopkeeper makes a suggestion.
' How about this dog? 'What will Brian's reaction be?' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'But what sort?' How about this dog? 'We know the shopkeeper says that, but what does Brian, who's' Looking for a gift for my aunt.
'.
.
say before that?' The sort of gift that, if it were a quote, it would be apposite.
How about this woollen dog? 'Does the shopkeeper have a woollen dog? Will Brian like it? 'Find out in part four of The Gift Shop Sketch! 'Previously on The Gift Shop Sketch.
' This woollen dog? Yes, I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Coming up in part four.
' Perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! 'What does Brian say that about?' How about this woollen dog? 'Is it that?' This woollen dog? It's like you've met my aunt! 'Coming up in The Gift Shop Sketch - the end of The Gift Shop Sketch.
' Eh? 'But first, the bit before the end.
' That's perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.
Daddy! 'And now the end.
' Eh? 'And now, them both together.
' That's perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.
Daddy! Eh? 'Which is a world away from how it started.
' I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
'Next week on The Gift Shop Sketch.
' Can I help you, sir? 'Until thengoodnight.
' Can I help you, sir? I'm looking for a gift for my aunt.
You've come to the right place, this is a gift shop.
This is what I was thinking.
What were you looking for? The sort of thing that, if it were a quote, it would be apposite.
How about this woollen dog? Perfect, it's like you've met my aunt! Yes, she's my aunt too.
Daddy! Eh? What a lovely walk! We had a lovely walk, didn't we? Right then, where's Monkey? Where's Monkey gone? Monkey goes, "Monkey, monkey, monkey.
" Since when? Up yours! Up yours! Let's find Monkey! Monkey's gone missing, hasn't he? A bit like Mummy's libido or sense of fun.
Up yours! Up yours! Here he is! Perhaps Mummy's libido would return faster if Daddy weren't such a smelly alcoholic! (I'm under a lot of pressure! A lot of pressure!) Let's give Monkey a kiss.
BABY GURGLES Oh! Does Monkey want to give you a kiss? Give me the Monkey.
Up yours! Yes! Here comes a kiss from Monkey.
It's nicer than being kissed by Daddy, isn't it? Being kissed by Daddy is like a close encounter with Satan's arsehole, isn't it? Up yours! Up yours! What a lovely smile.
Good girl! We apologise for that temporary loss of transmission.
We can now return you to The Quiz Broadcast.
No! No, Peter! You can't open the box, it's not that part of the round yet! There's food inside, you said there was food! No! You can't open it, you've got to guess! I'm too hungry to guess! THUMP! Oh! Oh! Now calm down or I'll tranquillise you! We ate the tranquillisers days ago.
Give me the box! There are rules! No, I've followed the rules for too long, where's my food? Look, Sheila's playing the game properly.
If we play the game, I'm sure the food will come.
They won't leave us here.
We play the game, then the food will come.
Exactly, now get back on your podium and do the boxes.
That's better.
Now, Peter, it's time to play Open The Box! We can't open the boxes anyway.
Yes, we can.
Of course, we can.
They're welded shut.
The engineer will help us when he comes back.
He's not coming back - one of his shoes fell out of the ducting.
It had a foot in it.
He has been taken up! I'm sure he just left his foot as a promise that he'll be back soon.
Peter, will you please guess how much the first box is worth in money? Come on.
I don't know25 money.
Good guess, possibly.
And Sheila? We ate his foot.
Yes, we did eat his foot, Sheila, buthow much is the box worth? I don't know! Another good guess.
Well done, both of you.
And that means it's time to remain indoors and see what the banker has to offer! ALL: # Ring-ring, ring-ring.
# No, still no-one there.
I can't remember her face.
So, this is our famous Late Night Poker under-the-table angle.
This allows us to see what cards the various dogs are holding.
Well, you say "holding" Just go with it, Peter.
It's not working out.
If you didn't want to end up here, you should never have said that thing about Dame Kelly Holmes.
All I said was Don't, Peter.
All I said Why? Why say it again? I said that Peter.
We're down to Late Night Dog Poker, say it again and then what? Fish golf? All I said An An interesting play there, from the That dog.
Yes.
An interesting play there, by that dog.
It's amazing, isn't it? How well these dogs have taken to the game of poker? Well, it's certainly a big hit compared to Dog Snooker.
Dog Snooker was a bit of misstep by Dave.
In hindsight, they were always going to shit in the pockets.
Merry Christmas, Hennimore.
My, God! What's happened to your face?! Sorry, sir, the doctor says it's brought on by stress.
What?! You shouldn't be consulting doctors, Hennimore, you work for Capulets Caplets, the country's leading pharmaceutical manufacturer.
Here, try one of our new voice-activated nerve-cure pills.
Doesn't seem to be working, sir.
Ah, here's the science bit - they're voice-activated, triggered in this instance, and all instances, by the phrase, "Merry Christmas!" It's a miracle! No, the un-sexualised birth of our tiny Lord Jesus Christ is a miracle, a miracle that we at this company have not lost sight of with our annual award-winning all-male living crib, where the winner of the company's bonniest baby competition is rewarded with the role of the aforementioned infant God.
Quite the honour, sir.
This year, I've developed a pill to make the celebrations go with a swing.
Don't worry, Hennimore, I'm not talking about Ecstasy or PCP, this isn't some injectile morphiate or backstreet sphincter loosener, it's just wholesome Christmas-y goodwill, the spirit of love and giving in a tablet, also activated by the phrase, "Merry Christmas.
" I call it Ding Dong Merrily On High, and it's up to you to slip 600 of these into the pre-crib party punch while I show the Archbishop of Milton Keynes round the building.
The Archbishop of Milton Keynes? Yes.
His Grace is honouring us with a viewing of our famous crib.
Isn't he the one? Nothing was ever proved.
On an unrelated note, our other big Christmas seller is to be the erectile dysfunction refunctioniser.
There's nothing like Christmas for getting in the mood for one last go at intercourse.
It's being marketed as Dong Merrily On High as I'm reliably informed that Dong is a slang word for tallywhacker or piss piglet.
It too is activated by the festive phrase, "Merry Christmas," and it's up to you to hand 600 of those over to the courier, who'll be distributing them to the country's 50 most flaccid branches of Boots.
Right you are, sir.
I'm very relaxed about this assignment, Hennimore, and I can see little possibility of any piss-piglet-up.
The lob-on enabler is clearly labelled Dong Merrily On High, and the Christmas-cheer bringer Ding Dong Merrily On High, but for a ding-dong with the printers - they've omitted the first word.
Clear? Erhonestly? Good lad.
And here, Your Grace, is our award-winning crib, featuring the winner of our bonniest baby competition, and he is certainly an attractive little mite, as everyone here agrees.
Merry Christmas! Hennimore! Wouldn't it be great to make everyone think we'd landed on the moon? That'd show the Soviets.
What would it show them? Well, they'd think we'd landed on the moon and they'd be all afraid.
Do this right and the Cold War could be over by 1971.
Why don't we just release the footage of the Mars landings? No, no.
It's vitally important that we keep the successful mission to Mars a secret, but I've got a hunch that if we pretend to land on the moon, that will be in some way intimidating.
Will people believe us? Oh, I'm sure they will.
To the extent that we won't even need to bother to pay much attention to detail, with regard to flags and shadows, and so on.
You're the top spy when it comes to misleading footage, what do you suggest? Well, to start with, we'll need to build a massive rocket.
Why? We're not going.
Sorry, I thought that was the point.
Have I got this wrong? We'll need a rocket because the first question people will ask when we show the footage will be, "How did you get there?" So we'll have to be able to say, "We went in that massive rocket you saw.
" Hmm.
So, we're not actually going to make any kind of saving in terms of the cost of a massive rocket? No, but we will be making a saving on the cost of actually going to the moon.
True, and what costs are involved in actually going to the moon? Well, the main one, to be honest, is the massive rocket.
Any others? Well, other than that, it's mainly catering.
So we'll make a saving on that? Well, no.
In fact, it'll probably be more expensive to cater for an entire film crew for the duration of a shoot than it would be to feed three astronauts.
So, erm I'm just wondering, we have to build the massive rocket capable of going to the moon? We will have to do that, yes.
So, I was just thinking, if we've built the moon rocket, might it not be cheaper to just pop to the moon and fake the footage there? Fake the footage of the fake moon landing on the moon? What if people found out? That's a risk we're just going to have to take.
So, you know how you were saying you were really good at cunnilingus? Yes.
So, you're really good at cunnilingus? Yes, I am.
What? Well, nothing.
Just, um Well, no-one else seemed very surprised.
And you are surprised? No.
No, I'm not.
I'm not saying I'm surprised, I'm not saying I'm unsurprised.
I'm I'm surprised, I'm really surprised.
Right.
I mean, how D'you mind talking about this? Not at all, what do you need to know? Well, I suppose I'm just asking, you know, when did you I mean, who told you that you Cuni Um What?! Look, Rob, I'm very, very good at cunnilingus.
I'm not boasting, I have a natural aptitude and I've practised very hard.
Ultimately, I'm good at it because I love it.
I love women.
Do you?! And it's all about the woman.
It's about making the woman feel comfortable.
It's just about giving yourself over to the moment.
Sharing yourself completely with the most intimate part of her sex.
Her fanny? Yes.
Her fanny.
Right.
Look, Rob, there's no need to be jealous.
I can teach you to be good at cunnilingus.
How are you going to do that? Sorry, Mike, could I have a quick word? Er, yeah.
Just in my office, if you don't mind, not in front of everyone else.
A bit private.
OK.
Just, er, come on in.
Just come on in.
Just come on in, Mike.
Shut the door, will you? Take a seat, Mike.
Actually, I'll stand.
Fair enough.
Now, Mike, I'm afraid it's been brought to my attention Actually, I can't really look you in the eye because of the plant.
Why don't I stand? Er Actually, tell you what, I'll come round.
Now, Mike, people in the office, and I'm not going to say who, have noticed that you've been borrowing office photocopier paper for your home printer.
No, I haven't.
Yes, you have, Mike.
This was found on the staff notice board.
What was? This.
What? This, that I'm holding in my hand.
I can't see.
Oh.
Yeah, OK.
Hang on.
Hang on just a sec.
This, Mike.
Oh, that.
That's just an invitation to my barbecue.
Yes, it is, Mike, and it's printed on paper watermarked with the M3 Digital logo, who a) supply laser printer and photocopier paper to this office, and b) do not supply to the general public HE BURPS Sorry.
Anyway.
So, you've been taking office paper home, or you've been printing out non-work related materials on office equipment.
Either way, that's not acceptable from someone working in this office.
All right, Martin, I did take some paper, but it was only a few sheets.
It wasn't just a few sheets, Mike.
I'm going to have to get Alan in here.
Could you pass me the phone please, Mike? Mike, please, the phone.
Yeah, I I can't really get to Er, ahem.
Alan, can you come in here, please? Come on in, Alan.
Martin.
Mike.
Now, Alan, could you please tell Mike what you told me.
Mike, I saw you take three reams of paper from the photocopier last Thursday and put them in your car.
Oh, shit! Don't worry, Mike, it's not a serious offence.
I've not called you in here to sack you, just relax.
It's not a warning, it's a pre-warning.
OK.
Sorry, Martin, it won't happen again.
No hard feelings, Mike.
Just get back to your desk and get those orders coming in.
Will do.
Oh, and, er, Mike I'd love to come to your barbecue on Sunday.
OK, see you then.
Oh, erm, Alan, would you mind staying? I've got some stuff through from head office to discuss with you.
Sure, Martin.
Bye, Mike, see you Sunday.
Bye.
Bye, Mike.
See you, Alan.
Bye.
Bye, Mike.
Actually, Mike, you might as well stay for this.
Right, OK.
And you join us as the dogs continue to play to the best of their abilities.
And we've decided, for the sake of speed, to take any disturbance of the chips at all as a bet.
And yet still, none of the dogs has knocked out any of the other dogs.
Now, Peter, if you were this young Chihuahua, which card would you play? Well, you don't really have to play cards in poker, Ted, you just get them.
Right, so it's not like Whist? What, where each dog has to hold a hand, or should I say paw, of 13 cards and then plays them in sequence following suit? Yeah.
No.
I think even Dave thought that was a bit ambitious.
So, if it's not like Whist, is it like Strip Jack Naked, or Stop The Bus? No.
What about Draw The Well Dry or Bullshit? It is quite like Bullshit.
That That St Bernard seems to be getting the hang of it.
Is that a St Bernard? I don't know, Ted.
I don't know anything about dogs.
Neither do I, Peter.
And I don't know anything about poker either.
What I know about is snooker.
Well, then, you shouldn't have tried to finger Hazel.
I did not finger Hazel.
I didn't say you fingered Hazel, I said you shouldn't have tried to finger Hazel.
Lesbian.
No, it is a St Bernard.
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NOW, the reason for our urgency should be apparent, this is plutonium we're talking about.
(Send us plutonium now! Plutonium!) Really try to feel the space and feel the presence of everyone around you.
And then, try to imagine the world, the world that we're about to create on the stage.
Don't worry about the text for the time being, put that to one side and just try to feel your way through.
And when you're ready, vocalise it, make a sound.
It doesn't have to be words, just a small honest sound that tells me what you're feeling.
Eugh-ew-uh! OK, very good, Steve.
We cannot surrender! Oh, wonderful work.
OK.
Well, maybe that's a good time to stop.
Let's take five, everybody.
Great.
Paul, hi! I didn't think you were going to make it to rehearsal.
Yeah, I had that meeting, but that's finished.
Great, you can join us for the afternoon session.
Do you want to lead the workshop? Actually, Mark, I wanted to talk to you about something.
I know what you're thinking - our devised piece about Tiananmen Square isn't as avant-garde as it should be, yeah.
But it will be, I promise.
No, it wasn't that.
I'm sure the devising process will be as fulfilling and daring as ever.
No, it's just that I had this meeting and Mark, when you've got a moment, could I have a quick chat to you about an adaptation of some of Sartre's writing I've been doing where we're all blindfolded? I think it might highlight multiculturalism.
Oh, that's great, Steve, that's great.
But can you just give us a moment? Oh, sorry.
Yes, sure.
Er, my meeting.
Who was it with, Paul? It was with Lion Bars.
You had a meeting with Lion Bars? It was the people who make Lion Bars, and And they were saying that Lion Bars could sponsor our show if we put Lion Bars on the poster and eat Lion Bars all the way through it.
Lion Bars? Yes, it's a pretty amazing deal from the guys at Lion Bars.
They were saying that we can have pretty much as many Lion Bars as we want, for the production and for when we're rehearsing.
Lion Bars? Yeah, look.
That is literally nothing compared to the amount of Lion Bars we could have.
They were saying that, basically, we can have an endless supply of Lion Bars.
And then, if they give us loads and loads of Lion Bars for the run, like more Lion Bars than you've ever seen in one place, but then we run out because we've been eating them on stage, and in the wings when we're waiting to go on because we like the chocolate so much, I could just go back to the Lion Bar building and get a load more Lion Bars.
They've got so many.
Paul, we're trying to bring the Tiananmen Square massacre to life, examining its drive and its politics.
I just don't think that's going to work if everyone's eating Lion Bars all the way through.
Yeah, but look how much it looks like a lion's mouth! Oh, that one didn't really work, but you get the general idea.
Roar! Oh.
OK, well, how much money are they offering? Money? Not money, Mark, Lion Bars.
Lion Bars, not money.
What do you mean, not money? Sorry, could I have a Lion Bar? You can have as many as you like, Steve, they're free.
Really? What, free-free? Yeah, just dig in, that's the tip of the chocolate-y iceberg.
Wow! That's amazing! Roar! That one worked.
So, Steve, do you think it would hurt your Sartre play if we were all eating Lion Bars all the way through it? Would we get free Lion Bars? As many as we want.
I think it would make it brillianter! So, what d'you say, Mark? "Lion Bar presents a wafer, caramel and crisp, "rice-covered indictment of Tiananmen Square.
" Well OK! Hooray! One-nil to theatre!