The Addams Family (1964) s01e01 Episode Script

The Addams Family Goes to School

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family -Is this where the Addams family lives? -Yeah.
-You going in there? -I'm the truant officer.
They've got two kids who have never set foot in school.
Good Iuck, Charlie.
Hello.
Hello.
You must be one of the Addams children.
-I'm Wednesday.
-I'm Mr.
Hilliard.
-Are your parents at home? -They're always at home.
I'd Iike to see them.
You mean you wanna come in? If you don't mind.
Nice place you've got here, Wednesday.
We Iike it.
It's so nice and gloomy.
Who's that? WEDNESDAY: That used to be a friend of my daddy's.
Wednesday! Wednesday.
Here.
I fixed it for you.
Pugsley is very handy.
Fixed her? That doll doesn't have a head.
It's Marie Antoinette.
Grandmama told us about the French Revolution and Pugsley chopped off her head.
Meet you out in the cemetery.
Mommy is in the conservatory.
Why, you perked up my African strangler.
Come here, darling.
Mommy, this is Mr.
Hilliard.
How do you do, Mr.
Hilliard.
Mrs.
Addams, I was sent here My hemlock has been very Iistless Iately.
Do you know anything about hemlock? No, Mrs.
Addams.
I was sent here to What a pity.
I think I'II run along and bury Marie Antoinette.
Have fun, dear.
Just Iook at my beautiful poison oak.
Every Ieaf so alive.
Mrs.
Addams, your children are six and eight years old And growing Iike toadstools.
My hemlock continues to droop.
They've got to attend school.
It's the Iaw.
I'd Iove to discuss that with you, Mr.
Hilliard, but you see, I can't.
You must speak to my husband.
The Iaw is his responsibility.
That's quite a bell.
Yes, Gomez is very fond of it.
But we can never use it when we have a cake in the oven.
Hello, Mr.
Addams.
I didn't hear you come in.
Lurch is our butler.
He will take you to Mr.
Addams.
Couldn't I just stay here? I'm sure you and I can settle this matter.
On the other hand, perhaps it would be better to see Mr.
Addams.
Follow me.
My poor little hemlock.
Where have I failed you? I know.
You haven't been getting enough moonlight.
Mr.
Addams.
Mr.
Addams, I am Sam Hilliard from the Sherwood School.
How do you do, Mr.
Hilliard? HILLIARD: I just stopped by to talk to you about -They're gonna crash.
-You think so, huh? Beautiful.
Beautiful.
You meant to blow them up? Of course.
Why else would a grown man play with trains? You wanna blow the other bridge? Some other time.
You know how it is with a small child and new trains.
What can I do for you? It's about sending the children to school.
Mama's in charge of the education.
She's in the guest room playing darts with Uncle Fester.
But they've got to go to school.
Everybody sends their kids to school.
Ridiculous.
Why have children just to get rid of them? -I'm opposed to the whole nonsense.
-But don't you want them to Iearn? Learn, you say? Look at that.
Little Wednesday's.
-Spiders.
-Pedigreed.
Ever known a child who could raise thoroughbred spiders? -No.
-There you are.
But I was referring to more formal Iearning.
Reading.
What is there for a six-year-old to read? -But someday she'II be 26.
-See you then.
Mr.
Addams, surely you want your youngsters to be Iike other children.
But they are.
You should see Iittle Pugsley wrestling with his octopus.
-A Iive octopus? -He's all boy.
What if he bites him? Mr.
Hilliard, Pugsley doesn't bite.
A Iittle nip now and then perhaps.
But it's all in fun.
Well, Iook, this isn't my idea.
The board of education We have our own board of education.
Mama tutors the children in all the fine arts.
Music, painting, ballet.
She's the Ionghair of the family.
And a fantastic dart player.
You only got 10 points.
I nipped him in the ear, didn't I? Ear? Watch the master.
You're standing right in my way.
It's the only safe place.
Step aside.
Now watch this one.
Right in the old gizzard.
This is the guest room.
That was close.
Go ahead, Fester, you get another shot.
This time, get him right in the old heart.
-What's the matter with your friend? -I don't know.
Weird, isn't he? HILLIARD: Then that crazy plant grabbed me.
And you should've seen how happy he was when he blew up the bridge.
And that big monster they call a butler.
He would've frightened Frankenstein.
Now, Mr.
Hilliard, really.
I was there.
That knife was aimed straight at my heart.
Now, now, calm down.
But I got away.
PIease try and pull yourself together.
Mr.
Hilliard, if you'II take my advice, you'II go home and Iie down for a while.
If you take my advice, you'II Ieave those Addams kids right where they are.
That's the closet.
I'm sorry.
I never knew he drank.
The thorns are so much Iarger this fall.
Lovely, Morticia.
-You have such a way with roses.
-Thank you, Gomez.
Did I just hear a peal of thunder? You did, Tish.
You did.
That's the most heavenly sound.
It makes Iife worth Iiving.
You remember our honeymoon, Gomez? Who could forget our first night in Death Valley.
-There was a stillness in the air.
-Tish.
The moon was full.
And that Iovely soft fluttering of bat wings.
And the divine cave.
You're so romantic, Tish.
I think they're waiting for us, Gomez.
The music is so Iovely.
Look, darling.
I finished it this morning.
How do you think cousin Imar is going to Iike his new sweater? -That's odd.
-What's odd, dear? I didn't know Cousin Imar wore turtleneck sweaters.
Mmm.
querida.
The mail's in.
Never mind, Lurch.
I'II get it.
Thank you, Thing.
It's for you, Mommy.
Thank you, darling.
Oh, isn't that sweet? What is it, Tish? The Sherwood School insists that we enroll the children immediately.
We must've made a very good impression on that Mr.
Hilliard.
Morticia, you can't send the children to school.
I'II be Iost without them.
Gomez, I've seen Iittle Wednesday Iooking out the fence at the other children.
I think she wants to play with them.
Well, she didn't get that from my side of the family.
School? I never went to school, and Iook how I turned out.
Uncle Fester, Iooks, charm and personality aren't everything.
There's such a thing as Iearning and accomplishment.
Accomplishment? Who else do you know that's 1 10 volts? FESTER: Watch! Beautiful.
I can even make it blink.
You do have natural talent, Uncle Fester.
But that has nothing to do with Iearning or knowledge.
I'II call the school and tell them we'II be there in the morning.
-Morticia.
-Gomez.
Darling.
Mother knows best.
Now, believe me.
We'II send the children to school.
School? That's for kids.
I'm sure the children are going to be very happy here.
If we wanted them to be happy, we'd have Iet them stay home.
Now, Miss Comstock, I Wasn't that that nice Mr.
Hilliard? He certainly is an odd one, isn't he? -Have you noticed it, too? -Yes.
Why, do you know, he suddenly ran out of our house the other day? Frightened by a simple game of darts.
I'm going to have to have another talk with him.
B-O-O-Z-E.
Booze.
Really? I guess I underestimated him.
Come along, children.
Be good today, Wednesday, Pugsley.
-PUGSLEY: AII right.
-Goodbye, children.
Goodbye.
Oh, dear.
I'm going to miss the patter of their Iittle feet sneaking up behind me.
I'm so glad we had no trouble with this.
Of course, these cases bring the superintendent down on our necks.
And he's the most difficult, troublesome man.
Oh? COMSTOCK: And there's always one Iike that in the school system.
GOMEZ: Well, I know just how to handle it.
You get me his picture and I'II send it to my friend DuBois in Haiti.
When he's through sticking pins in it Gomez.
You haven't heard from DuBois in years.
He may not be taking mail orders anymore.
How about a nice old-fashioned horse whipping? GOMEZ: Good, good.
Or Iet our boa constrictor give him a good squeeze.
A Iittle dip in boiling oil? Miss Comstock, you're my kind of people.
Tish, what about Goomba in Nairobi? He gets some wonderful results with just a drum.
-And now that we have Telstar -You're so practical.
Four minutes after 3:00 and they're not here yet.
Are they gonna keep them there for night school? Gomez, a watched cauldron never bubbles.
They'd be here by now if they Iet Pugsley drive.
By Jove, I think they did.
Wednesday.
What is it, Wednesday? What is it, darling? That's it.
There, there, there.
Father, it was terrible.
They killed him.
-Mr.
Hilliard? -The dragon.
What dragon? Who killed a dragon? A knight in shining armor.
He killed the dragon.
I can't believe anyone would kill a dragon.
The poor, defenseless dragon.
That isn't all.
You ought to hear some of the other stories in her book.
Let me see that, darling.
Grimm 's Fairy Tales.
What a Iovely name, Grimm.
How could he write such terrible stories? Must be sick.
Atavistic cruelty.
Perverse barbarism.
Such violence.
Gomez! That settles it.
No more school.
Good thinking, sir.
That's all right for our children, but what about all the others? I suppose you're right.
We should do something.
Just as ordinary citizens.
I could call that Miss Comstock.
No.
I'II call that nice Mr.
Hilliard and invite him over.
And we'II discuss it with him.
You know, I really think he Iiked us.
Oh, no, no.
Never! But, Mr.
Hilliard, they insist on seeing you.
I'm sorry, I haven't made out my will yet.
What if Mr.
Hilliard doesn't come? Angel, your father sent Lurch for Mr.
Hilliard, and it's very difficult for people to refuse Lurch.
He has such a nice way with them.
Now, Iet me see your hands.
Excellent, Pugsley.
The nails are nice and clean and sharp.
And you did very well, too, Wednesday darling.
I think we took a bath for nothing.
Mr.
Hilliard.
Mr.
Hilliard.
I'm so glad you could come.
MORTICIA: Put Mr.
Hilliard in the good chair.
That'II be all for now, Lurch.
Children.
You just never know what they're thinking.
I do.
GOMEZ: We do have a bone to pick with you, Mr.
Hilliard.
Haven't we? Perhaps I have done some Iittle thing.
Mr.
Hilliard, murder is not a Iittle thing.
Murder? As if you didn't know.
But first, some refreshment.
Mama? Uncle Fester? Wait till you see what they've got cooked up for you.
The end.
It figures.
No! No, thank you.
-We made it especially for you.
-I know, I know.
You must taste the cookies.
GRANDMAMA: An old family recipe.
The bats are my favorites, although the Iizards are good, too.
You can feel them wiggling practically all the way down.
Time to go.
Mr.
Hilliard, you're a bundle of nerves.
Isn't there something we can do for him, Gomez? Of course.
-The rack.
-The rack? That stretching, so relaxing.
Lurch.
You rang? The rack for Mr.
Hilliard.
No! PIease! I just had it overhauled.
I got all the squeaks back in.
If I've caused any trouble We're not really blaming you, Mr.
Hilliard.
But there are some things we just can't tolerate.
-Like what? -Like violence.
Well, what's wrong with a Iittle Violence? The kind they're teaching the children at school.
You did say, "Teaching the children in school"? Come now, Mr.
Hilliard.
Let's not pretend.
Have you read your friend Grimm Iately? Those harmless Iittle fairy tales? GOMEZ: Harmless? Killing a poor defenseless dragon? But there are no real dragons.
What gave you that impression? And what about that Hansel and Gretel? Little Hansel and Gretel? Little juvenile delinquents.
Pushing sweet old Iadies into hot ovens.
Sweet old That's not what you want to feed Iittle children.
Of course not.
Then why don't you just run right down to the School Board, and tell them to do something about it? Well, I You know, I'm beginning to think you've got something.
-You are? Another drink for Mr.
Hilliard! -No, please.
I'm beginning to see your point.
Something must be done.
From dragons to toy guns to real guns to bombs to atom bombs! You know what? Thinking Iike yours can save the world.
I must confess I misjudged you people completely.
Thank you.
Do you think he'II convince the School Board? I don't know.
He's such a weird Iittle man.
Fester, you're not cheating.
I'm sorry.
Pugsley.
He's building Wednesday a Iittle dollhouse.
Why, thank you, Thing.
Hello.
Yes.
Wonderful.
Yes, the children will be in school tomorrow.
Thank you.
That was that nice Mr.
Hilliard.
He said the School Board accepted our ideas enthusiastically.
Really? Well, now, Mr.
Hilliard may be right.
We may have saved the world.
Do you think we did the right thing?