The Addams Family (1964) s01e23 Episode Script

Thing is Missing

Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.
- There, that's that.
- Thank you, Mother.
That new cactus brush really makes my head feel nice and tingly.
Well, I'm glad, darling.
I'll just go upstairs and throw away your old porcupine-quill brush.
- And thank you, darling.
- My pleasure, cara mia.
- In fact, why don't we go to 200? - No, thank you.
You can't improve on perfection.
Thanks to you, Fester.
And thank you, Thing.
But I would suggest that you trim that scratcher.
I think I detected a slight hangnail.
Well! What was that all about? He'd be a real sorehead, if he had a head.
Thing has been a bit off lately.
Moody, he's morose.
Hardly ever plays his castanets for us anymore.
Tish, doing those fiery flamencos with you always made my blood run hot.
Come, querida, let's do one now.
Oh, no, darling, it's just not the same without Thing's castanets.
I could click my teeth for you.
No, Uncle Fester, I'm afraid you don't get the same beat.
You don't have very musical molars.
- Darling, why won't Thing play for us? - Who knows? Temperament.
Has Thing been acting strangely lately? Why should I know? To me he's always strange.
Wednesday? Fester? If you ask me, Claude Cuticle is a spoilsport.
Darling, why is everyone so resentful of Thing? Well, he has been a bit stubborn of late.
Can you imagine not wanting to play fast draw with the children? Well, would you if you couldn't say "bang" and win once in a while? - Lunch.
- Oh, thank you, Lurch.
And it's so nice that you're your same sweet, lovable self.
Thing, Lurch has announced lunch.
You may ring.
Thing! Oh, he's really in a mood.
I'll ring.
Thing All right, Mr.
Fingers, you asked for it.
You know, Tish, there are some times I wish your name were something like "Oo-oo.
" "Oo-oo?" It's almost impossible to blow smoke rings and spell out "Morticia.
" Well, darling, it's the thought that counts.
Lurch certainly outdid himself with that lunch.
Marinated gizzard of lizard.
En crouton.
Still, it wasn't the same without Thing at the table.
He's so handy for passing.
And fanning hot soup.
Oh, darling, do you remember the time he spilt the salt and he almost went mad trying to find a shoulder to throw it over? Now.
It's odd.
The one in the middle always comes out that way.
- A spare leg could come in handy.
- That's true.
Oh, I see my roses need trimming again.
No matter what I do those smelly petals keep growing back.
Hand me my shears, please, Thing.
Thank you, Thing, I knew you'd come around.
Thing! - Oh, darling, I thought it was - Nonsense.
Thing only likes to hold hands.
You know, dear, I'm getting very concerned about him.
I think we ought to find out what his trouble is.
Capital idea.
Thing? Come on, Thing, I want to have a man-to-hand talk.
Thing? Thing? - Sounds empty.
- I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
If there is a bottom to it.
Thing? Thing.
Haven't seen Thing around, have you? I thought not.
Find any clues? No, dear, but I found this in one of Thing's favorite boxes.
Thing's parents.
Probably their wedding picture.
- Lovely couple.
- Yes.
Darling, doesn't it strike you as odd that Thing would go away - and leave a treasure like this behind? - Yes.
I mean, he just wouldn't pack up and Darling, do you suppose Thing has met with foul play? - Exactly my thoughts, querida.
- What are we going to do? The only thing we can do with a mystery.
Solve it.
I shall conduct an investigation immediately.
Fingerprints! My own.
Where were you on the night of March 3? - Gomez! - Sorry, my pet, I tend to get carried away.
But we do have to chercher la femme.
Tish, you know what you do when you speak French to me.
Darling, please remember you're on a case.
That's right.
A case.
Now, what was that about chercher la femme? An old saying I just made up.
"Find the woman.
" Oh, very clever.
Then you do suspect me.
No, my dear.
The other femme in our house.
The mischievous, petite femme.
Wednesday Addams.
I won't talk without a lawyer.
She's a shrewd one.
But the psychological effect of the hose makes them all crack.
- How about you? - I claim the Fifth Amendment.
- What's the Fifth Amendment? - Darling, you went to law school.
I was absent that day.
Hey, everybody.
What's going on? Fester, I'm right in the middle of a very important interrogation.
So that's what happened to the hose.
Don't you know that the whole cellar's leaking all over the place? - Well, we found out one thing.
- What's that? We need a plumber.
- I'll fix it.
- I'll help you.
But I haven't finished my interrogation yet.
- Interrogation? Whose? - Yours.
Well, Thing and I had a slight brush.
Is this what you call the third degree? - Is it getting to you? - Oh, yeah.
Say, you can take it up to the fourth degree.
Uncle Fester, please, you're not cooperating at all.
What is it you wanna know? We want to know what happened to Thing.
Well, why didn't you say so? Thing's disappeared.
We know that.
We want to know if Thing met with foul play.
Well, the way Fingers has been acting lately, I'd call it fair play.
Uncle Fester, how can you be so callous? I've been practicing.
That does help.
Say, why don't you question Mama? She and Thing had a terrible fight in the kitchen.
They did? Mama.
Thing ruined my blackbird pie, that's what he did.
- Let them get away.
- Let who get away? The blackbirds.
All four and twenty of them.
Insisted on helping Lurch pour the tea.
- Lurch.
- Of course.
Lurch! It's always the butler.
Lurch, I'll thank you to wipe that smile off your face.
You seem pleased that Thing is gone.
Thing gone? Well, I guess we're right back where we started.
Sorry, old man.
- Darling, why don't we call the police? - The police? Well, I suppose so.
Just to handle the details.
Of course, bubele.
Tish, that word.
Darling, remember you're on a case.
You're right, a case.
Operator? Please connect me with the police department.
Well, of course it is.
If your family Thing was missing, wouldn't you consider that an emergency? Hello, Police Department? This is Mrs.
I'd like to report a missing Thing.
What? Just a moment.
Darling, shall I ask for the Burglary Division or Missing Persons? Well, that is a moot point.
Find out if they have a Miscellaneous.
But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs.
Addams? Is it a pet? Well, it's a family retainer.
Oh, so it's a servant.
Well, isn't that a person? Not necessarily.
"Not" Well, have you got a picture of him? Yes, I believe we do.
Just a moment.
Darling, is that family portrait still around? Yes, but I'm afraid Thing isn't in it.
Don't you remember? He took the picture.
Look, lady, unless you can give me something more specific to go on, I'm sorry, but we can't be any help to you.
Who cares? Run an ad in the Lost and Found.
I found it in a vacant lot.
When I saw your ad Oh, it's exquisite, but it's not our Thing.
Think you could bear to part with it? - You mean you still want it? - Oh, yes.
Name your price.
- $2.
50? - $250? - No, I meant - Too late! It's a deal.
You'll have to excuse my husband.
He drives a very hard bargain.
Business is business.
Can't have you upping the price on us, old man.
No, no, of course not.
Thanks, thanks a lot.
I'm on my way down to the dump now, and if I find any other bargains I'll let you know.
You do that.
Oh, we'll be days finding just the right spot for all these beautiful things.
Certainly got a wonderful response to our ad.
I'd give them all up for just one look at our Thing.
This may be it.
I certainly hope so.
We're running out of room.
- Special delivery.
- Thank you, Lurch.
Morticia, it's a ransom note.
- A ransom note? You mean - He's been Thingnapped! "The ransom is to be paid at the stroke of midnight, "and do not call the law if you expect to get Thing back in one piece.
" - Oh, Gomez! - Courage, my dear, courage.
"Ransom is to be paid by a disinterested party.
" I know just the one.
That famous private detective.
What's his name? - The one who always wears a trench coat? - Naturally.
- And a snap-brim hat? - Yes, it's It's Sam, Sam! It's a figure on a card.
- Sam Heart? - No, no.
- Sam Club? - No.
- Sam Diamond? - That's it! I'm Sam Diamond.
Addams? No, follow me.
Sam Diamond.
How do you do, Mr.
Diamond? I'm Mr.
Addams and this is my lovely wife, Morticia.
- How do you do? - Just make yourself at home.
Home? Look, if this is some kind of a shady deal, forget it.
We're the victims.
- Who was it that got snatched? - Thing.
Thing? - What was his last name? - Thing.
Thing Thing? What kind of a name is that? - It fits him perfectly.
- That's true.
Signs himself, "Thing T.
" And the "T" stands for - Thing.
- Thing.
Look, folks, kidnapping is a little bit out of my line.
So if you'll excuse me Gomez, I do believe he's our man.
The ransom note said "a disinterested party.
" - He seems very disinterested.
- Exactly.
I'll weigh up the ransom.
- Weigh up the ransom? - Oh, just a few precious stones.
Thing is worth his weight in them, even with his thumb on the scale.
We'll pay your fee with them, if you don't mind.
Oh, I'm sure Mr.
Diamond won't mind diamonds.
No, no, no, it goes with the name.
Did somebody mention diamond? What is that? That's Uncle Fester.
We need him to open the safe for the ransom.
Well, let's get at it.
You mean you don't know the combination to your own safe? Of course.
Uncle Fester enjoys cracking it.
It turns a mundane task into an adventure.
You know, Gomez, you're gonna have to change the combination on that safe.
It's getting too easy.
I think next time I'll have it wired with nitro.
Oh, boy, I'll get a bang out of that! Well, let's see what we have here.
Well, I wondered what I'd done with that.
Oh, darling, this bomb won't go off for another six months yet.
I wish you wouldn't set them so far in advance.
We tend to lose interest.
Here we are.
A few samples from our diamond mine.
All of our really fine stones are cursed, of course.
Been in the Addams family for generations.
All right, you're putting me on with the rocks, aren't you? I mean, they couldn't possibly be real.
- Au contraire.
- Tish, there you go with that French again.
I've warned you, I'm not responsible for my actions when you talk that way.
Darling, please, we have a visitor.
Now, what's on your mind? I'm not sure.
You did say you were going to pay my fee in gems.
Oh, yes.
Only too happy to unload a few.
Now let's see.
$8,402! I trust that's a satisfactory fee.
Oh, sure, that'll be fine.
- Now, what do I have to do? - Simply follow instructions.
"The cemetery at midnight"? What could happen to me there? Don't answer that.
I'll do it.
Certainly inspires confidence, doesn't he? I thought all the dash and daring of those private detectives in the movies was an exaggeration.
Cara mia, don't be so naive.
The cinema is a reflection of life.
Men like Sam Diamond are forceful, fearless and absolutely infallible.
Diamond, old man! Back so soon? Thought you'd tarry to enjoy the moonlight.
We usually do when we visit the cemetery.
Dear Gomez, he's such a romantic.
But where's Thing? Didn't you deliver the ransom? - As directed? - You put it on the last grave? And then suddenly, a hand, just a hand, reached up and snatched it away.
A hand? I knew you wouldn't believe me, but it was a hand.
A hand.
- But we do believe you, old boy.
- And it's wonderful.
- Wonderful? - You made contact with Thing! You mean that was Thing? Dear, sweet, wonderful Thing.
Oh, here.
You take the fee.
Just let me get out of here.
Very sporting of him, wasn't it? Handling the case for nothing.
I think we ought to send him a nice present.
One of your man-eating plants, perhaps.
The practical gifts are best.
- Well, Thing ought to be along soon.
- Yes.
Oh, Thing, I'm so glad you're home.
Wait a minute.
Morticia, this whole thing is a hoax.
What? You sent us that ransom note yourself, didn't you, Thing? - I thought the handwriting was familiar.
- What's the big idea, Thing? Neglected Test us Wanted to see if we cared enough to ransom him back.
Well, you got your answer.
And Sam Diamond liked you so much he wouldn't even accept a fee.
Some Things get a little spoiled.
Well, darling, we have been neglecting him of late.
Perhaps we should take him out.
Thing loves music.
Let's take him to a concert.
He can rattle along on his castanets.
I'll call Lurch and have him get the car ready.
- You rang? - The car, Lurch.
And, oh, Lurch, we have a surprise for you.
Aren't you going to let Thing know that you're glad he's back? There, Thing.
That should make you feel right at home again.
I brought you a little present just to show you there's no hard feelings.
A nail file.
For you.
Hey, Fingers, just a little something to show you that I don't hold grudges.
Gee, I was a beautiful baby.
- Where are you going, to a masquerade? - To a concert.
Boy, you sure look ridiculous.
Fester, it's plain to see you have no sartorial savoir-faire.
I resent that.
Uncle Fester, now, dear, we haven't got time for that right now.
Thing, we're ready.
Oh, dear Thing.
Now, Thing has sartorial savoir-faire.
I'm glad, 'cause he sure dresses funny.
Well, querida, we're off.
- Tish, where will Thing ride? - Darling, where he always rides.
In the glove compartment.