The Addams Family (1964) s02e06 Episode Script

Cousin Itt's Problem

Nice try, Gomez darling.
Too good for you, huh, Lurch? Darling, I don't think you ought to tire Lurch out.
You know how delicate he is.
You may be right, my dear.
He does look a bit spent.
Well, Lurch.
You had enough? Give up? Better luck next time, old man.
Oh, Gomez, darling, you were so masterful.
Delicious, like the nectar of saki.
Mail's in.
Yes, Thing.
What is it? Oh, something at the door? Oh, it's my surprise for Cousin Itt.
It's breathing.
Hey, is that for me? No, Uncle Fester.
This is a welcome-home surprise for Cousin Itt.
Itt? I thought he was in the South Seas.
He was, diving for sponges.
Very successfully, too.
The sponges thought he was one of them.
Give me a hand, Fester.
We have to get things ready for Cousin Itt's party.
Now that's what I like.
A package that delivers itself.
Cousin Itt, are you sure your eyes are closed? - Good.
- All right, Lurch.
Now you can open your eyes, Cousin Itt.
- I knew you'd like it, old man.
- It's so you.
- They look like brothers.
- They do have a lot in common.
What are you gonna name him, Cousin Itt? Which is the front end of Now I see.
Mother, I'm hungry.
Can we cut Cousin Itt's cake now? Of course, darling.
I almost forgot about it.
Cousin Itt, would you do the honors? Oh, of course.
Lurch, we'll need a chair.
You're welcome.
All right, now, Cousin.
Make a wish.
I've heard of rock candy, but rock cake? Better try it again, dear.
Oh, boy! That's my favorite, cauliflower meringue.
What is it, Lurch? Is something wrong? Hair.
Mother, look, there's hair on the chair, too.
Cousin Itt, you're losing your hair.
- He's right.
Without his hair, what is he? - Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
No, no, no.
Now, we will not have any of that do-it-away-with-yourself talk.
That is, of course, unless we can't find a cure for you.
Don't you worry.
I'm an old hand at curing baldness.
Cousin Itt, you're not leaving us? But you must give Uncle Fester a chance.
But you're still very attractive.
Wouldn't a little vacation be a lot more sensible? Now, Gomez and I have decided to give you a little extra money, say, $10,000.
You could have yourself a real fling.
Give it to charity? Just as you say, but please stay.
Oh, I promise.
We'd never call you Baldy.
Dear, sweet, kind Cousin Itt.
You know, a person could really talk to you.
That's beautiful, my dear.
It's beautiful.
- What is it? - It's a sweater for Cousin Itt.
If he's going to lose his hair, he has to have something to keep himself warm.
Did the money cheer him up? He asked me to give it to the Society for the Prevention of Baldness.
- Never heard of it.
- Neither have I.
But I asked Mrs.
Dragwater to come over.
She's the head of the welfare society.
She'll see that it gets into the proper hands.
Dear, would that be Mrs.
Dragwater already? Good Good afternoon.
I have a package here, sir.
Could you get somebody to sign it for me, please? Follow me.
- I didn't order anything, did you? - Perhaps it's for Cousin Itt.
Is that my package? Yes, it is.
It's my new chemistry set.
I'm working on something to save Cousin Itt's hair.
Well, will you sign for it? Thing, take care of that.
Now, a little electricity.
Well, what do we have here? I've done it! Fester, you've done it! The first nonskid banana peel.
Darling, I don't remember Aunt Anemia having a beard and a mustache.
A beard, maybe, but not a mustache.
It is becoming.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
Thing, what's all this hair? Gomez, come here and look, dear.
First, Aunt Anemia, now this box.
This looks like a job for Sherlock Addams.
Thank you.
More hair.
Darling Gomez, you're so clever.
Elementary, cara mia, elementary.
- Singular.
- Very.
A doorknob with a Beatle hairdo.
- Well, what do you think? - Uncle Fester, I hardly knew you.
- You're a knockout.
- I made it with my new chemistry set.
Have you tried the formula on Cousin Itt? Well, don't you think that one handsome devil in the family is enough? - Uncle Fester.
- Well, okay.
Cousin Itt! It's true.
Blondes do have more fun.
Eureka! Certainly, Cousin Itt.
Take a look.
By george, you do look like a haystack.
But you should be flattered.
Gomez doesn't hand out compliments like that to just everyone.
- And congratulations to you, Uncle Fester.
- Well, thank you, Morticia.
You know, this could be the start of a whole new career for me.
I could get a job at the zoo, growing hair on bald eagles.
Oh, dear, that reminds me.
That woman from the welfare society should be here any moment.
Woman? Is she cute? I don't know, but she is a divorcée.
Carinita, we'll turn over the money to her for openers, and throw in Uncle Fester's discovery as a little bonus.
Excellent idea, darling.
Oh, Gomez, would you make the cocktails? You do them so well.
It's that extra sprig of henbane.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Boy! Am I that handsome? Wow! Yes.
Dragwater to see Mrs.
Follow me.
Oh, Mrs.
Dragwater, so good of you to come.
My pleasure.
My husband's upstairs napping.
Won't you sit down? I think I'd better.
Would you care for a cocktail? I think I'd better.
You rang? Cocktails, please, Lurch.
Yes, Mrs.
Thank you, Lurch.
You may go.
Delicious, isn't it? It's my husband's piece de résistance.
Creme de la toadstool.
Tish! You spoke French.
Darling, later, later.
Dragwater and I have a lot to discuss.
Pardon me.
So, now, where were we? Well, first, I ought to tell you, the welfare board supports a lot of charities.
But we don't exactly have a Society for the Prevention of Baldness.
However Well, now, who's our charming guest? Mrs.
Dragwater, this is my Uncle Fester.
How do you do? Excuse me.
Well, haven't we met before? Such a delicate little hand.
And tasty, too.
Addams, your uncle is so droll.
Yes, he does have that Continental manner, doesn't he? With a beauty like you, who could be otherwise? Now, really.
I know that Emily Post says to wait one week, but how about you and me stepping out tonight? Skateboarding, water polo, a drive-in movie that's closed.
- Well - It's a date.
I'll borrow Mama's motor scooter.
You are a forceful one.
Experience, experience.
Well, I think I'll go up and pomade my hair.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in my room.
Tonight at 8:00.
Mrs - Mrs.
Dragwater? - Yes? Mrs.
Dragwater? - Ready? - Ready.
Do it again.
Querida, you have such a gentle, healing touch.
Was Mrs.
Dragwater pleased with our offer? Well, I don't know.
There she was, smiling and pleasant, and then all of a sudden, there she wasn't.
Those social workers have to keep on the move.
Morticia, look.
Oh, darling, she's lost her beard and mustache.
Too bad.
I liked her better that way.
- Gomez, the turtle.
- Great Scott! - Did you hear that? Cousin Itt.
- Cousin Itt.
Cousin Itt, what happened? Gad, even your voice has changed! Excuse me, old man.
- Itt, what happened? - Have you lost your lovely new hair? You mean, Uncle Fester's lotion was only temporary? You weren't losing your hair? By george, Morticia.
Cousin Itt's right.
It was the dog.
That's terrible.
Who ever heard of a bald dog? Don't worry, dear.
If worse comes to worse, we'll get you a toupee.
Come in.
Uncle Fester lost his hair again.
How is he taking it? Good old Fester, tower of strength.
Lurch, look out here, will you please Fester.
Watch out for that beam.
Now, he tells me.
- Uncle Fester, did you hurt yourself? - Just my head.
This room is a deathtrap! But it does give you a sense of togetherness.
Did I really lose my hair? Well, I didn't misplace it.
Uncle Fester.
All you have to do is give yourself another treatment.
It'll only work once.
And my head is immune to it.
I'm gonna shoot myself.
Come, come, Fester.
Pull yourself together.
Thanks, Gomez.
I needed that.
Phone's ringing.
Lurch, answer the phone, please.
- The phone! - Where's the phone? Maybe it's under the bed.
Stop that bongo playing, will you? We're looking for the phone.
I think he means it's under the drum.
Oh, yes.
Hello, Addams residence.
Yes, just a moment.
It's for you, Uncle Fester.
I'm gonna shoot myself.
You better talk to her first.
Not without my hair.
I'm not in.
I'm not in! Mrs.
Dragwater, Uncle Fester is out.
I'll take a message.
Oh, of course.
Really? Yes, I will.
Thank you.
I know she called the date off.
Now, now, Uncle Fester, she merely called to explain that she was afraid sooner or later she'd lose a Don Juan like you to some other woman.
Did she call me a Don Juan? What else, you sly old fox? How true.
Dragwater averted heartbreak by going back to her husband.
Her husband? Rover T.
Dragwater? I know him.
He's fat, bald, and has a high, squeaky voice.
- Well, if that's her taste - So it all worked out for the best.
- Let's celebrate.
- No, I'm too broken up.
Even for a midnight picnic? In the swamp? Afterwards, if we have time, we could go moonbathing.
Moonbathing! Well, what are we waiting for? Everybody watch that beam.
And the door.
Ah, what a perfect night for moonbathing.
By george, what a beautiful moon.
Not a sign of life.
Nothing but solid rock.
Gomez, that's Uncle Fester's head.
It is? - What's it doing up in the sky? - Gomez! Pardon.
No wonder it looked like a rock.
This spray is no good.
It doesn't attract any insects.
Don't worry, Cousin Itt will bring them around.
Hey, Itt, you're doing pretty good with that balancing act.
He should.
He's been taking lessons from Pugsley's seal.
It pays.
Glad you got over your hair problem, Cousin Itt.
I'm sorry your dog still has it.
Dog? Oh, that reminds me, Cousin Itt.
Where is your dog? Your dog eloped? With Mrs.
Dragwater? With her dog.
Oh, isn't that lovely? Eloped with a Mexican hairless.