The Addams Family (1964) s02e16 Episode Script

Uncle Fester, Tycoon

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Concentrate.
Are you concentrating? Assiduously, my dear.
Gomez, if you can hear me, you are not concentrating.
Oh, sorry.
I suppose Madame Curie had days like this, too.
Let's get on with it.
Get your notebook, Uncle Fester.
Goody! Ready.
At exactly 10:28, subject's body stiff as a board.
Subject stiff as a board.
Indicating complete mental control.
Entered final phase of Addams experiment to prove that the human mind can triumph over the law of gravity.
Positions, please.
Now remember, we must pull together.
Watch for the signal.
Now! That gravity's a tough one.
Darling, are you positive you were concentrating? Certainly.
Did it work? Not quite.
You were doing fine until you hit the floor.
Hey, that's easy.
We could just lower the floor.
I think Fester's got something there.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
Oh, it's for you, darling.
I wonder what that is? My new mark seven, custom-built, grand prix croquet mallet.
I stole it for $200.
Thank you, Thing.
So nice to be remembered.
Oh, Uncle Fester.
Here's one for you, dear.
It's from her.
Diana Delf.
Uncle Fester, what's come over you? She sent it to me, personally.
I've been writing to her for months.
Ever since I saw her in the show.
Just a moment, you'd better let me do it.
You'll tear it.
- Oh, it's a picture! - Oh, me first.
It's her! It's her! Let me see, Uncle Fester, let me see.
Oh, by george, she's a dazzler.
Boy, I gotta get right upstairs and write her an answer.
Oh, my Diana! He's Addams all the way.
Can't resist a pretty face.
Now, if you'll observe, my dear, croquet is a combination of two things.
Balance, timing, peripheral vision, superb coordination and a killer's instinct.
- Your shot, my dear.
- Oh.
Gomez, I'm worried.
Querida, you've forgotten everything I've taught you.
Sorry, darling.
Congratulate me, everybody.
Congratulations! That is wonderful.
What happened? I'm gonna get married.
I just proposed to the sweetest little girl in the entire world.
Oh, well, that's very sweet, Uncle Fester.
But can you support a wife? Oh, details, details.
Gomez, can you see your way clear to advance me a nickel for a postage stamp? No, but I can give you a check.
Oh, well, while you're making it out, make it for, say, even 10,000.
- For stamps? - Well, no, you know, incidentals like the minister, the marriage license, rice, - attorney.
- Attorney? - I may get divorced.
- Divorced? You know, be prepared.
I remember that from when I was a scout.
There must be something wrong with this carpet.
Well, where's the checkbook? - Oh, I'll get it.
- Uncle Fester, just a moment.
You've never even met this girl.
You run a great risk of ruining your life and hers, as well.
Good thinking, my dear.
Then I don't get the check? Maybe next time.
Oh, okay.
I'll send it COD.
Oh, Gomez, it's breaking my heart.
Mine, too.
This mallet isn't worth a plugged nickel.
Darling, I was referring to Uncle Fester and that girl.
Oh, yes.
Well, I suppose her parents must be as upset as we are.
- I'm sure they would be, if they were here.
- But they're not.
But they could be.
At least, her mother could be.
And she doesn't even have to make the trip.
Querida, I do believe you're up to some mischief.
What do you think? Do you think I'll fool Uncle Fester? - You can fool me.
- Oh, mon cher.
But not when you speak French.
Darling, please, my make-up.
Yes, make-up.
Nothing wrong with that mallet.
Diana's mama.
Mother! Just looking at you makes me feel like I've known you for a long time.
Too long.
Say, where's what's her name, your daughter? Just a minute.
I've got a few questions to ask you.
Sit down.
How much money have you got? Well, that's hard to say.
What's your salary? That's hard to say, too.
I'll give you something easy to say.
What do you do? I hang around.
I help my nephew play with the trains and I shoot off the cannon.
And I clean out the alligator's nest.
I sit in my tree, you know.
I know.
You're one of those stage-door johnnies.
Mother, you're acting very suspicious.
I got a little suspicious when I had to pay five cents postage due on your proposal to my daughter.
You owe me a nickel.
You need it all at once? For what? 'Cause I'm kind of strapped right now.
Forget it! Just forget the whole thing.
And forget my daughter, too.
She's gonna marry a man that can support her.
All right! All right, if that's what it takes.
I'll get her, you'll see.
I'll be a big success.
I'll throw gold and diamonds right at your daughter's feet.
I warn you, she's got very big feet.
"Prospectors, send $1 for guaranteed treasure map.
"Raise mink in your own home.
" No, that's no good.
"We can release the hidden power within you.
"Let us set your feet on the road to fame and fortune.
"Complete correspondence course from the Greer Business College.
" That's it! Sweetheart, you'll be proud of me yet.
I'll throw diamonds and rubies at your big feet.
Now that you've completed your entire course, you may consider yourself a graduate of the Greer Business College of Correspondence.
A few weeks ago, you entered this institution a slack- jawed, glassy-eyed jellyfish.
But today, by following our teaching, you have unlocked your potential, transformed yourself into dynamic, hard-hitting executive material.
You've already chosen your first target.
Hit it hard.
Now, the world is your oyster.
Goody! I like oysters.
You have a date with destiny.
Fester Gomez, this is the most beautiful moment of my whole life.
I can't wait for my first class reunion.
Now, Fester, this job nonsense has gone far enough.
Oh, careful there, Gomez.
You're talking to a dynamic, hard-hitting executive.
- Really, Fester - Sir to you.
And look at you.
Just look at yourself.
Take inventory.
That ridiculous suit.
Those preposterous high-button shoes.
No class.
No style.
No appeal.
Things that I have always had.
Really, Fester, I Now, look, I'll do the thinking around here and do you know why? Because I used to be a slack-jawed, glassy-eyed jellyfish, just like you.
But I unlocked my potential.
I became a new man.
Hey, Gomez, I may even change my name.
- Fester, what - I'm sorry, I'm very busy.
Busy doing what? Well, I'll think of something.
Good day, sir.
- Well? - It's worse than we thought.
- What did he say? - He said my shoes were preposterous.
Well, they do need polishing.
That I was a glassy-eyed, slacked-jawed jellyfish.
I better think up an answer to that.
I hear it fairly often.
That's nonsense.
I'm going to demand an apology.
There you are.
Uncle Fester, I think you and I had better have a talk.
Oh, sorry, a big day.
First stop, Thaddeus P.
Big business tycoon.
- Do you have an appointment with him? - No, but I think I can sandwich him in.
Uncle Fester, wouldn't you rather sit up in your tree house? - My tree house.
- It's more you.
That's true.
But I owe it to my beautiful Diana to be a big wheel.
And I am.
It said so on the record.
Uncle Fester, how would you like a nice new cannon? - A new cannon? - Come with me.
Right over here.
Tish, that's French.
Darling, please.
Let's concentrate on Uncle Fester's problem.
Oh, yes.
Yes, Uncle Fester's problem.
But I'm next.
Fester, give up all this big business nonsense and the cannon is yours.
You make it very difficult for me, Gomez.
I love Diana.
I dream of running barefoot through her beard.
Fester, you mean you'd give all this up for a woman? That's kid's stuff.
You rang? No, but, Lurch, you can get the car out.
I have a date with a very important oyster.
Well, I tell you, J.
, I'll let you have the whole 20,000 shares at $50 a share.
You'll pay $25? What are you trying to do, J.
, ruin me? Those shares are worth 50 if they're worth a penny.
It's 50 or nothing.
- What the - Play it cool, he'll call back.
Who the devil are you? Let's face it, J.
, you need a man like me.
I'm magnetic.
I'm hard-hitting! Hello.
D? You will pay 50? It's a deal.
Will you have a cigar? Thank you, sir.
Well, good evening, Morticia, Gomez.
Uncle Fester, dear.
- Boy, am I bushed.
- Now, look, Fester Sorry, I'm busy.
Working on a $15 million deal.
You better make that $20 million.
I hate odd numbers.
- $20 million.
The poor dear's sick.
- We'd better get a psychiatrist.
I'll look up one in the classified.
Maybe he can explain this, too.
Now, look, Logan.
You may be the boss, but if you want to talk to me you will have to come over here.
- All right, all right.
I'll come over there.
- Now that's better.
Now, let me see, where was I? Oh, yes.
You rang? Lurch, I'm in the midst of a big institutional deal and I misplaced a telephone number.
It was on the back of a laundry ticket.
Oh, you didn't see it, huh? I think I remember it.
Let's see.
Five, five.
Five, five.
Five, five, five.
Hello? Hello! What? I don't like that merger deal.
You don't like it? Who asked you? Nobody asked me, I'm telling you, smart guy.
Oh, so now I'm a smart guy, huh? Well, you listen No, you listen.
The deal's off! Oh, yeah? Well, you can say that again! You can't let these fellows push you around.
Cybernetics, Cyclops, psychiatrist.
Thank you, Thing.
Here's one.
"Psychiatric service, 24 hours a day.
"House calls and all credit cards honored.
" Sounds like our man.
Brown speaking.
Yes? It all started when Uncle Fester fell in love with this girl with a stunning blond beard.
Blond beard? A real blond beard? Well, personally, I'm sure she touches it up a little.
And when we wouldn't give him a postage stamp, he went to pieces.
Your Uncle Fester sounds at loose ends.
Oh, he's very loose, and he needs help immediately.
When I come to call, he shouldn't know that I'm a psychiatrist.
It'll be best if you don't call me doctor.
I'll use some other name.
Is that agreeable? Perfectly.
We'll be waiting for you, Doc Sir.
A real beard? Thank you, Thing.
Darling, the psychiatrist insists that we not call him doctor for fear of upsetting Uncle Fester.
Good idea.
We'll tell Fester he's the plumber.
- Sir.
- I'm Gomez Addams, Fester's nephew.
- Well, I'm Mr.
Thaddeus Logan.
- Logan, huh? Well, that's as good a name as any.
Come right in, Mr.
We've been expecting you.
Querida, this is Mr.
Logan, this is my lovely wife, Morticia.
Oh, Mr.
How do you do? - Fester lives here? - Oh, yes.
Won't you please sit down? There are a few things we think you ought to know about Uncle Fester.
Oh? Well, I know all I need to know.
By thunder, I admire your confidence.
Lightning quick.
Yes, it eases my mind to know that you'll be with him in his time of trouble.
Oh, well, I don't anticipate any trouble.
No, I got all the papers right here, ready to sign.
Oh, we'll have those institutions eating out of our hand.
Institution? Oh, no, we couldn't send him to an institution.
No need, sir, he's an Addams, and we look after our own.
Besides, the poor dear isn't violent.
What are you talking about? I think you should know what made Uncle Fester crack up.
Fester? Crack up? Completely off his trolley.
Keeps talking about big business deals and mergers and that once fine mind has been reduced to a shambles.
Oh, well, I know what you mean.
Yeah, I often feel like I'm cracking up.
You look it.
But if what you say is true Why, it's ghastly.
- Ghastly.
- Ghastly.
Now I get it.
You, in these funny shoes and that preposterous suit.
This is all a gag, isn't it? Yeah.
Fester put you up to this, didn't he? Very amusing.
I think the doctor could use some help himself.
I guess he finally has cracked up.
What is this all about? Oh, the children persuaded me to light up and ride my cycle around.
Just for old times' sake.
We love to watch him ride his motorcycle in the house.
And wrestle the alligator.
Wrestle the alligator? A live alligator? Not very sporting, wrestling a dead one.
And I can beat Thing at Indian wrestling, too.
Thing? Who is Thing? Thing? Come up and say hello to Mr.
Oh, no.
I've got to get out of here.
Hey, just a minute.
Come back here! What happened? Where's he going? Back to the mental clinic, where else? Mental clinic? We weren't supposed to tell you, but that's where he's from.
Well, I'll be darned.
You never know, do you? I could tell the minute he walked in.
Well, it wasn't much fun.
Fun? It only goes to show how dangerous working can be.
That's right.
Well, ho-hum.
Don't worry, my dear.
That glass is unbreakable.
Cleopatra, please, dear.
Think of all the less-fortunate African stranglers.
That's my good, good girl.
Boy, that's real musical milk.
Yes, baby.
Show him in, Lurch.
That's my sweet girl.
Which one of them is disturbed? Oh, it was Uncle Fester, right there.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I can see he needs help immediately.
- Who are you, old man? - You know.
Is he violent? We gonna have trouble getting him into the clinic? Oh, Dr.
Logan sent you.
You can tell Dr.
Logan it won't be necessary.
He's completely recovered.
He snapped right out of it.
As you can see, he's completely normal.
Normal? Sorry to get you out here on a false alarm, old man, but as you can see everything's right as rain at the Addams house.
You fire us a bill along anyway and better luck next time.
And do tell Dr.
Logan I said he needs a long rest.
- So do I.
- You rang? Lurch, show the gentleman out, please.
Good night.
Such a strange breed.
I'm so glad you didn't crack up over Diana.
Diana? Who's Diana? That ravishing creature you were going to marry.
Oh, yeah.
I guess she'd sort of slipped my mind.
Well, I guess it's for the best.
After all, she's a woman and I'm a man.
What do we got in common?