The Addams Family (1964) s02e30 Episode Script

Ophelia's Career

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Marvelous idea, Morticia, putting this old saw together again.
I thought it would be nice for Uncle Fester.
This is fun.
Makes me all goose-bumpy.
It's always so exciting seeing how these games turn out.
Just about another foot to go, old man.
Zounds.
- The electricity's gone off.
- Sure! I knew something would spoil it.
Now, now, Uncle Fester, it only missed you by a hair.
No matter, I'll get another fuse.
No, forget it.
I'm out of the mood now.
I'll be up in my tree house.
Gomez, darling, wasn't that the doorbell? I believe it was.
That means the electricity is okay.
It must have been Uncle Fester who blew a fuse.
I'll have Pugsley bring him a fresh one.
Miss Ophelia.
Ophelia, what a surprise.
Oh, dear brother-in-law, you behold the most miserable of women.
Well, you are that.
But what happened? Throckmorton didn't like that.
He jilted me.
Montrose didn't like it.
Throckmorton didn't like it.
Bunch of spoilsports.
Well, look on the bright side, Ophelia.
Just because you've been jilted once or twice, it doesn't mean you are unattractive.
You're very attractive, and strong as an ox.
- Hi, Aunt Ophelia.
- Oh, Pugsley, this is a tragic day.
What happened? Throckmorton didn't like that.
Now, Pugsley, you can see why your Aunt Ophelia's heart is broken.
Her heart and my back.
Ophelia, I thought I heard you.
Oh, Uncle Fester, you behold a most wretched woman.
Say, you do look better.
Ophelia's been jilted.
- Again? - Practically left at the altar.
What happened? Throckmorton didn't like being judoed.
You sure do have a weakness for weirdoes.
Nobody loves me for myself.
Well, that's understandable.
Have you tried offering money? But, Father, isn't that undignified? Very, and besides, it doesn't work.
Oh, cheer up, Aunt Ophelia, you'll make a very nice old maid.
Ophelia, maybe you're a bit too anxious.
Men like their women mysterious, elusive.
That's my type.
I'm afraid I should go upstairs and rest.
I just have no more strength.
You see, he only went six feet.
There's no hope for me.
Did I hear my sister Ophelia? - Who else leaves me black and blue? - Oh, mon cher.
- That's French.
- Darling, please, Ophelia first.
I'm next.
Well, I think I'll go work on Ophelia's problem.
Oh, poor Ophelia.
She seems destined not to find love.
Perhaps we could find something to divert her.
Some sort of career, perhaps.
Maybe she could go to Japan and take up sumo wrestling.
She tried that.
That's how she lost Horatio.
I have it, science.
The world needs another Madame Curie.
Excellent! We'll give her a few of Pugsley's chemicals, and she can mix, mix, mix until she discovers something.
- But what? - I don't know.
Perhaps she could mix herself another man.
I think I'm beginning to get something.
You know, this reminds me of Sir Newton Addams.
When he made his scientific discoveries? No, when he set his house on fire.
Oh, yes, that was the high point of his career.
- Well, shall we begin? - Right.
- Powder.
- Powder.
- Water.
- Water.
- Hydrochloric acid.
- Hydrochloric acid.
- Tincture of benzoin.
- Tincture of benzoin.
- Salicylic acid.
- Salicylic acid.
Uncle Fester, you keep giving me the same test tube all the time.
Yeah, I know, I mixed them all together.
It saves test tubes.
Very shrewd.
- Now then, the black bottle.
- The black bottle.
- The white bottle.
- The white bottle.
- The blue bottle.
- The blue bottle.
- The green bottle.
- The green bottle.
- No, you don't.
- Why not? That's my after-shave lotion.
- Uncle Fester, that's sulfuric acid.
- Yeah, I know, it's real tangy.
There's something about a sulfuric acid man.
There's nothing like a quiet afternoon of culture.
Darling, perhaps Ophelia should devote herself to art.
You may be right.
Science doesn't seem to be it.
Here it is 3:00.
Ophelia's been up there mixing chemicals for two hours and nothing.
Well, we must be patient with these new scientists.
After all, dear, she hasn't the faintest idea of what she is doing.
See, I think she stumbled onto something.
- Sounds like something big.
- I'll go see what it is.
Congratulations, Ophelia.
What happened? I discovered that if I mixed the blue stuff with the green stuff Well, science is definitely out.
But don't worry, we'll think of something.
There's no hope for me.
'Tis the last rose of summer That is blooming all alone That is exquisite, unbelievable.
It's this room.
This room of art and beauty.
Ophelia, we've found your career.
You could be an opera singer.
Me, an opera singer? - Well, you'll have to put on a little weight.
- Oh, I will, I will.
Yes, your voice will need a little polishing and I know just the right little polish.
- Cousin Itt.
- Exactly, I'll go find him.
Oh, Cousin Itt.
- Morticia, I have wonderful news.
- What is it, dear? Ophelia is on a threshold of a new career.
I know, she told me all about it.
Isn't it exciting? Certainly is.
Cousin Itt! Itt, now you come down here this minute.
Playful and sneaky, too.
My dear, would you mind giving it a try? Cousin Itt, it's an emergency.
No, Cousin Itt, the house isn't on fire.
But we do have another emergency.
Ophelia wants to learn how to sing.
Wait.
We need you.
Gomez, darling, are you sure Cousin Itt is our man? He spent 15 years at the West African Institute for Music.
- Teaching? - Supplying hair for violin bows.
Oh, well, in that case, Cousin Itt, what do you think sister Ophelia's chances are? Certainly, you have an opinion? With lots of hard work.
And serious intense study.
That's your considered opinion? Well, at least there's hope.
And a true artist lives on hope, as long as he has a strong constitution.
We'll start immediately.
I'll have Lurch accompany Ophelia.
Oh, dear, this one's out of order.
No problem.
You rang? Lurch, how would you like to be Ophelia's accompanist? Dear Lurch, he's such an enthusiast.
Cousin Itt, take over.
Darling, I think we should leave the music lovers alone.
Lurch will get Ophelia.
Let's go to the playroom and read.
I've got a better idea.
Let's go to the playroom and play.
- Hang onto these.
- Thank you, darling.
Now, it's really quite simple.
When Fester blows the whistle, play starts.
The first player to get the puck to the opposite wall scores.
Oh, but darling, isn't this supposed to be played on the ice? - That's too slippery.
- Very sensible.
- All right, you two.
Are you ready? - Ready.
Gomez, darling, I do believe he's trying to tell us something.
Come now, Fester, speak up.
Oh, now, Fester, you can speak more clearly than that.
Oh, my, Ophelia upstairs studying opera, and now this.
We're getting to be quite a musical family.
Either that or he swallowed his whistle.
Uncle Fester, I've warned you about those between-meal snacks.
Querida, how many calories in a whistle? Well, are you ready? Now, back to the game.
Gomez, darling, don't you think we should check on Ophelia? Cousin Itt must have her singing like a bird now.
- A canary? - A vulture.
Dreamer! We couldn't stand the suspense any longer.
How goes it with our little songbird? Dear Cousin Itt, he's taught me everything he knows.
Even more? Generous to a fault.
Well, fire away.
By george, he has taught her everything he knows.
Down to the last But, Cousin Itt, in opera, don't they sing in Italian? That was Italian? Really temperamental, those long hairs.
Oh, dear, just as my career was blossoming, it's nipped in the bud.
Not yet, Ophelia dear, we'll get you another teacher.
I know just the man, Ophelia.
Signor Bellini.
Darling, are you sure he's available for house calls? Querida, Signor Bellini is an artist.
And artists are always ready to sacrifice for art, if the price is right.
Let's see how much money we have on hand.
You rang? Now that's what I call functional art.
We're out of petty cash, Lurch.
In the barrel, please.
Thank you, Lurch.
More in ice-box.
Good thinking.
There's nothing like cold cash.
Stop.
Stop, stop! Is something wrong, Signor Bellini? No, except that in my 20 years of coaching the greats, near greats and even ingrates, I have never heard such squawking, squeaking and screeching from a human throat.
I have a feeling Signor Bellini isn't too impressed.
Nonsense.
These maestros only abuse the students they love.
Shall we try it again, maestro? Who cares? I've already got ulcers.
Is that better, signor? Would you like me to show you just how much better? Yes, Signor Bellini, yes.
Temper.
You're right.
I could have broken a perfectly good cane.
He's really a taskmaster.
He's trying to bring Ophelia out.
If he ever hits her, they'll have to carry her out.
Signorina Frump, I can't take anymore today.
Tomorrow I come back for another fee Lesson.
- Just practice.
- Which part shall I practice? Sing them all.
All at once, for all I care.
Oh, you mean like this? Could you do that again? Or didn't I hear what I heard? Oh, joy to the world, I have charmed my maestro with my simple triple-stop, double-vibrato vocal harmonium.
A musical miracle.
It's amazing.
Beneath all that mediocrity she has hidden talent.
Perhaps we can bring it out.
If she is willing to work, and you're willing to pay.
We'll pay anything.
What does she have to do? First, she must empty her mind of everything.
That should be no problem.
- She must sing day and night.
- Day and night? - Night and day.
- Oh, that one she knows.
Starting with scales, she must work five hours a day.
If she cuts out meals and sleep, she can work 25 hours a day.
Gomez, darling, aren't there only 24 hours in a day? By george, you're right.
She'll just have to sing faster.
In three months I'll have her ready to audition.
Better make it six.
Morticia, that's French.
- Gomez, darling, we have a guest.
- Oh, pardon me.
You rang? Lurch, would you please show Mr.
Bellini the door.
But I'm not ready to go.
All right, I'm ready.
I want you also to work on her tremolo.
Oh, we will, we will.
I'll put her on a strict diet.
Darling, what an exciting six months it's been.
And in a few moments, our Ophelia will be auditioning for the great impresario Rudolpho himself.
That reminds me, Uncle Fester, how's Ophelia's throat spray coming? I think it needs a little splash of ammonia.
The color is getting good.
It is sort of a bilious fuchsia.
- There, I think it's done.
- Well, we'll know in a moment.
- It's perfect.
- Well, got to get it while it's hot.
There you are.
Singer's Squirt No.
5.
Thank you, Uncle Fester.
When we spray Ophelia's throat with this, she'll sing like she never sang before.
That must be Signor Bellini and the great Rudolpho.
Quick, Uncle Fester, go upstairs and spray Ophelia.
Signor Bellini and impresario Rudolpho.
Oh, charming, we've heard so much about you.
Yes, I've heard quite a bit about you, too.
And until today I didn't believe it.
Let's get on with the audition.
What a voice you're going to hear.
Just one moment, Bellini.
Impresario, Gomez Addams here.
Now before we bring on the little lady, there are few details of contract to be settled.
First, she's to have star billing.
Star billing? But I haven't even heard her yet.
Exactly, we can't take any chances.
- We want to see Ophelia's name in lights.
- In lights? Uncle Fester will supply the electricity.
He can make it flicker.
Now, as to money, salary, we're prepared to start modestly.
$10,000 a week plus 90% of the gross.
And, of course, free tickets for every member of the family at all performances.
Get the girl and let her sing.
In due time, Bellini.
Just one more detail to settle.
Impresario, we don't want Ophelia doing any of those tired, old operas by Wagner, Puccini, Verdi.
You see, we feel that a new singer should have a new opera.
Exactly, and with this in mind, my dear Morticia has composed one.
It's a frothy little item entitled Afternoon In A Swamp.
Bellini, if ever I get out of here alive, you won't be.
Thing, may I please have the contracts? Thank you.
Now, if you'll just sign the contract.
Signor Gomez, I will not sign anything.
Very well, a handshake is good enough.
Please, humor him.
Shake hands.
Here comes my dear sister, Ophelia.
Gentlemen, please be seated.
Play, Signor Lurch.
This is unbelievable.
What have you done to her? Isn't he the modest one? It's all Signor Bellini's doing.
All we did was spray her throat with Uncle Fester's special atomizer.
You fools! You have melted the nodes on her vocal chord.
Bellini, you are barred from my opera house.
Even with a ticket.
Impresario Rudolpho, you haven't heard my wife's opera.
For that I am grateful.
The prejudice against new music.
At least you could hear the finale.
It's truly inspiring.
As the dancers glide through the quicksand, the chorus swells triumphantly.
And the prima donna sings that lovely aria, Afternoon In A Swamp.
Left him speechless.
I knew it would get him.
Hello.
Ophelia Frump? Just a minute, I'll see if she That's me.
Throckmorton, lover, angel, where are you? In hiding.
Yes, of course.
Bye, bye lover.
I'm sorry.
I cannot join the opera.
You can't? Oh, my dear young lady, this has been a red-letter day for music.
And as for An Afternoon In A Swamp, this has certainly been one.
I'm sorry, Signor Bellini, but a woman must place love before her career.
Forget it.
I'm just going to take a long walk, against the traffic lights.
What's all this about love and career? Throckmorton wants me back.
He says he's sure now that we can be completely compatible.
Oh, what happened? - He took up judo.
- Judo? This.
- How're we doing? - Perfect score, dear.
You've missed 100 out of 100.
The mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
Gomez, darling, it's from the Canary Islands.
Strange, we don't know any canaries.
- Oh, it's from my sister Ophelia.
- I wonder what she says.
Oh, she says it was all off between her and Throckmorton - from the very first moment they met.
- From the very first moment they met? He dislocated his shoulder.
But she says she's happy.
She's regained her two-part voice and it's lovelier than ever.
- She even sent us a record.
- Well, let's give it a listen.
Oh, I'm falling in love By george, she's done it again.
I must write to her immediately.
I have a lovely idea for her next record.
What, cara mia? The Sextet from Lucia.