The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

Duchess

[cat meows, purrs.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
- [Puss yowling.]
- El Gato! [yowls.]
[growling.]
[grunting.]
[shouting.]
You attack my town, I dance on your head.
It is the law! Ooh! Ow! Oh! [knuckles and neck crack.]
- Toby, can you - I'm on it, Puss! Yay, I'm helping! Uh! [men groaning.]
Ho-ho! A pig stacking up thieves in a pile! Now I've seen everything.
Let's see, "Things I've Seen " Hm! No, no.
Still need "solar eclipse" and "dolphin being arrested for panhandling.
" Are you all right, Puss? Yes, merely having a busy day defending San Lorenzo.
I am always on guard.
En garde! Maybe it would help if you put up a sign.
Or better yet, an image of myself.
A figure resembling me that can stand guard at the edge of town and frighten away thieves.
Like a scarecrow? Like a scarecrow! [man groaning softly.]
Oh! [stammers.]
I just meant a sign that says, "Welcome to San Lorenzo.
Please don't steal from us.
" What? Are you joking? I don't think he's joking.
I'm not! People will be good if you give them the chance.
- Ooh! I like that! - You are mistaken.
People will rob us blind if I do not stop them.
[man groans.]
Huh? No.
Look how kind and gentle these bandits are.
- [man.]
Oh! - Ah! Soft as pillows.
What is it like inside your head, Artephius? - Wet and bloody.
- [knuckles crack.]
I am afraid we cannot trust that people will be good.
These thieves do not pose much of a threat, but it is only a matter of time before we face something more dangerous, more sinister something truly evil.
[gears cranking.]
Hello, my pretties! [disembodied voices grumbling.]
I have a new soul here to join you! Trolbard the Terrible, master of the fire spell.
[Trolbard.]
Swine! I shall destroy thee! Oh, shush.
You can't do anything in there.
I control you now and I control your fire spell! [whirring.]
Oh, yes! [Smacks kiss.]
Mama like.
[chuckles.]
Welcome to my collection of souls, Trolbard.
You may call me The Duchess! For many years, I have been stealing the souls of great magicians, making their spells my own.
I have every spell imaginable.
A storm spell, a smoke spell a sandbag spell? I have a sandbag spell? [sandbag voice.]
You never know when you'll have to drop a sandbag on someone.
Oh.
Must have gotten that one at a yard sale.
[sandbag voice.]
Oh, yeah, and if there's a flood, sandbags are handy in a flood.
[blue voice.]
You would not need us if you could do spells of your own! I can do spells! I'm a great sorcerer! - [blue voice blows raspberry.]
- Silence! There is only one soul missing, one last bottle to fill.
I must have the soul of this magician.
He is an alchemist, the greatest who ever lived.
A mad genius who discovered the formula for transmuting elements to gold.
Once, he was mine, but he escaped me.
Fortunately, I know precisely what he looks like now thanks to my projected-aging spell.
[orange voice.]
You just drew upon that picture with chalk.
It's a spell! I can do spells! I have searched everywhere for him.
Everywhere! [orange voice.]
There is one place thou hast not searched.
What?! [orange voice.]
A city hidden for centuries that has recently become visible.
Set me free and I shall tell thee of it.
Tell me and I will let you live! [orange voice.]
Ah! Just because you're a disembodied soul doesn't mean I can't blast you to bits! [orange voice.]
It is San Lorenzo! On the mountain past the Thieves' Market.
[laughs.]
San Lorenzo, prepare to meet The Duchess! Ah! What is that? I call it Sack-Puss.
If villains enter the town on this side while I am on the other side, this will scare them away.
- I made the hat.
- It's really terrifying.
Thank you.
Yes, the sight of my valiant figure will always strike fear into the hearts of evil.
No, I mean it's gonna give me nightmares.
- Ahh! I can't look at it! - [Puss yowls.]
Sack-Puss is gonna get me! [screams.]
[laughing.]
No, Toby! It's just a bag stuffed with old dolls' heads.
[Toby screams.]
It's full of heads! [The Duchess.]
San Lorenzo! [Gasps.]
It really does exist! Oh! Out of my way! Where is that no-good Puss In the Boots? [gasps.]
Puss In Boots is here? Who are you? You look villainous.
I don't approve of villains.
Puss In Boots! My old nemesis.
The fiend who took my foot! Other foot.
[metal clanks.]
I don't approve of iron feet.
Oh, fortunately, I don't need your approval.
I just need to borrow your mind! - [laughs.]
- [whirring.]
You are doing a wonderful job, Sack-Puss.
With you in place, none of my enemies would dare set foot upon these streets.
[Zapata.]
Puss In Boots! Except the ones who already live here.
Señora Zapata.
To what do I owe the pleasure of having my name yelled by you? [Puss groaning.]
[monotone.]
I am just so happy to see you! [straining.]
Mmm! I am both surprised and crushed.
[yowls, grunts.]
So, just out of curiosity, have you seen any alchemists around? Anyone tampering with the immutable laws of nature? Turning things to gold, that sort of thing? I have not.
What is going on with you? Your eyes are so strange.
[clicking.]
[neck cracks.]
And not the usual angry screaming strange.
Zombie strange.
Very well.
If you won't help me then please do me the honor of dying! [Puss grunts.]
[laughs.]
Señora! What I do not want to hurt you.
Whoa! [grunts.]
Huh! Ah! Yikes.
Oh! Whoa! [grunting.]
- Oh, boy.
- [screaming.]
- [gasping.]
- [laughs.]
I've enjoyed this, Puss.
And now good-bye.
[gasps.]
- [metal clanks.]
- Oh! [grumbling.]
Did you forget the new "no stabbing" ordinance? Passed unanimously? Town council meeting? Last week? Good law? Civic pride? Thank you, Señor Artephius.
What got into her? A mind-borrowing spell! Or my name isn't Scrubbles McGillicuddy! - It is not.
- A mind-borrowing spell nonetheless! And I know of only one person who uses that spell! The Duchess! The Duchess? Big lady? Lots of bottles? Yes! You know her? I may have cut off her foot.
A little.
[soft farting sound.]
But in my defense, she was trying to set me on fire at the time.
The Duchess has been after me for ages, probably because of my uncanny macramé skills.
Or because I'm the greatest alchemist of all time.
Hard to say.
- You are a what, now? - An alchemist.
It's like a wizard, but with science! Ooh! Want to see me turn something into gold? Let's see it's one sesuncia of lapis philosophorum, five grains of radices arboris solares, add a pinch of paprika if you're OK with spicy, then give the whole thing a quick toss, and poof! [gasps.]
It's him.
It's him! Oh, bronze! Hm Too much paprika, maybe.
[metal clanking.]
[metal clanks.]
- You turned that moth into bronze! - Uh-oh.
- Was he a friend of yours? - That was amazing! You really are an alchemist.
A brilliant alchemist! Brilliant? Yes.
Alchemist? Yes.
But brilliant? Well, uh yes.
But alchemist? Well, now Well, yes.
Artephius, why have you never mentioned this before? Oh, there are many things you don't know about me, Puss.
There are many things I don't know about me.
Ah! Whose robe is this? - So, San Lorenzo has its own wizard! - Alchemist.
- You can use your wizardry - Alchemy! to protect the town! Your magic can fix everything! Oh, I'm afraid not, Puss.
Magic is all about power, and power corrupts people.
They get greedy and mean, and they start doing that evil laughing thing that [The Duchess cackling.]
Artephius! You're coming with me.
My collection of souls will be complete, at last! - You will be mine forever! - No! - This man is under my protection.
- Puss In Boots.
I'm going to destroy your brains out! - Because of the foot thing? - Because of the foot thing! - I did say I was sorry.
- Sorry? Look what you did to me! Other foot.
You know, it's weird that I keep doing that.
Now, cat, face your doom! Ahh! Uh! [Grunts.]
You won't take my other foot, you mangy cat! [grunting.]
Uh! Oh! [gasps, screams.]
- [grunts.]
- [weapon whirring.]
Ah! [coins jingling.]
[grunts.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, now, let's settle down, kids.
- Oh, sure, now it works! - [coin clatters.]
If I come with you, can I bring my monkey? Monkey? - Do you have a monkey? - No.
- Then yes.
- Very well.
I will come with you if you leave this town alone.
Agreed! [Cackles.]
You are mine! What are you doing? People will be good if you give them the chance.
- But - It's OK, we used to date.
Carry me like you used to, Duchie! You're kidding, right? - Puss, if this doesn't work out - [The Duchess grunts.]
please come rescue me! Artephius! [gears cranking.]
[rope stretching.]
I have sought you for decades.
Decades! I missed you, too.
Where should we go for dinner? Are you [pants.]
Do you think this is a date? Of course! It's just like our first date.
How is this like our first date? We went on a picnic, and now I'm torturing you.
Torturing me with your enchanting aroma! [growls playfully.]
[The Duchess.]
I'm stretching you on a rack! [Artephius.]
And it's doing wonders for my lower back pain, Duchie.
- Best date ever.
- [The Duchess.]
Oh, you are Y You're just ridiculous, you know that? Ridiculously sweet on you, honey pie.
[disembodied voice.]
Psst! Hey, gato.
[red voice.]
Wanna buy a smoke cloud? "Fire," "Storm," "Invisibility"? [blue voice.]
Wait, you can see me? Ah! You are the souls of sorcerers The Duchess has stolen.
How despicable that she is using you for her own selfish ends.
[green voice.]
Eh.
It's not the worst job I've ever had.
[blue voice.]
The hours are good.
Is this a weight loss spell? I suppose it wouldn't hurt for me to just Hm So, before I steal your soul and trap it forever in a bottle, what's your formula for turning things to gold? I swear, it's almost like you only want me for my power.
[yelling.]
Of course I only want you for your power! Well, obviously, I'm not gonna tell you how to make gold.
For one thing, you'd use it for evil.
And for another, I can't remember.
And for another, you'd use it for evil.
And for another, I can't [grunts.]
So feisty! [Growls playfully.]
Ah! Would you stop that? I'll also never tell you how to construct a Portuguese alternating half-hitch knot! It's one of the most challenging knots in all of macramé.
I beg you to keep that promise.
OK, fine, you wore me down! [inhales.]
So, first, you use the two ends of your cord to tie the initial square knot at least a half-inch below the first crossing - No one cares about knots! - Oh If you refuse to cooperate, I have no choice but to use a more persuasive tactic, something so deranged, so diabolical [gasps.]
Where?! Ah! Still think no one cares about knots? I need to use the restroom, please.
[roaring.]
En garde! Let Artephius go, Duchess! Also, I like what you've done with the place since the last time I was here.
The bird cages are a very nice touch.
Puss In Boots! Don't move, I have some destroying to do! We have to go! You have to go, too? Where's the restroom? [Artephius groaning.]
- Come on! - Bye-bye, Duchie! - Hot enough for you, Puss? - [gasps.]
[whirring.]
[Puss yells.]
- [rabbits chittering.]
- What? Sleepy rabbit spell? That should have been the fire spell! Artephius! Let's go, while she's distracted! Aw! So cute! Oh I think you'll find this spell has a little more bite to it! Does there really have to be a pun every time? [whooshing.]
Huh?! Mood lighting spell? What is going on here? You switched the labels on my bottles! Do you realize what a trial it's going to be figuring out which is which? There'll be fire and smoke and snakes and rabbits everywhere! And it is all going to be very well-lit.
You are welcome.
Wait! There's one bottle you missed! The mind-borrowing spell! - [gasps.]
- [spell jar squeaks.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to enslave me.
Look how small I am.
I really cannot do much of anything.
But Artephius can.
He can turn things to gold! - [cackling.]
- Oh! Whoa! [Yowls.]
- [grunting.]
- [The Duchess laughs.]
All I need to do is find the transmutation formula in his memory, and you'll be as good as gold.
[grunts.]
"Good as gold.
" That one was actually not that bad.
Hang on, just looking through his memories here [clattering.]
Wait.
Oh, my [metal clanging.]
[cracking sound.]
- Duchie? - [Puss yowls.]
You still have it.
Well, of of course I still have it! It's gold.
What am I going What am I going to do, throw it away? Can't you just admit that you want me back? I do want you for your power! And I will have you forever! Now give me your soul, Artephius! Again with this? It won't be so bad, Artie.
I have a nice spot on the top shelf reserved just for you.
You can see out the window from there.
[whooshing.]
This cannot be a surprise to you.
Sandbag spell? Oh! Oh! [grunting.]
Oh! [sandbag voice.]
Boo-yah! Who's laughing at sandbags now? Again, I am sorry about your foot.
OK, bye! I had fun on our date! Call me! [disembodied voices.]
Help us! Take us with you! [sighs.]
We cannot just leave them in those bottles.
You're a good kitty.
But many of these are evil magicians! If we set them free People will be good if you give them the chance.
All right, bottle people, if we set you free, will you promise to be good? - [voice.]
Yeah! - [voice 2.]
Probably.
- [voice 3.]
I will.
- [voice 4.]
Of course! Let us do this thing.
[straining.]
[thudding, glass shattering.]
- [voice.]
Freedom! - [voice 2.]
Free! Free! [disembodied voices laughing.]
Artephius, you're not going anywhere.
And Puss, you're going in a grave! [grunting.]
Ooh! Huh? [disembodied voice.]
Get thee from this place.
- We shall take care of The Duchess.
- Gracias.
What are you doing? Back off! I know karate! Oh! Uh! I [babbling.]
Ah! [Screaming.]
My poor little Duchie.
We must go while we can! [The Duchess grunting.]
Not the face! I'll get you, Puss In Boots! One day, I'll get you! [Artephius.]
It was just like I said, people will be good if you give them the chance.
Some of them, maybe.
But you gave The Duchess a chance, and she tried to steal your soul.
Aw, that's just her way of saying she likes me.
Artephius, you are crazy.
But this is not new information.
[Artephius.]
Nnn nope.
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]