The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s02e07 Episode Script


1 [cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
2x07 - "Scimitar" We're orphans, we're orphans We're orphans and we're proud We're orphans, we're orphans We're singing really loud We're singing, we're laughing I bet you can't be sure We aim to be the [Puss grunting.]
- Better than - Tut-tut-tut.
- That was awesome - Shh.
While I appreciate your musical stylings as much as anyone, we must all be quiet so that Artephius can concentrate on translating the scroll of the Great Mage Sino.
We weren't singing that loud.
[dry chuckle.]
You were literally just singing about how loud you were singing.
If Artephius cannot translate the scroll and restore the spell, doom and destruction are coming to San Lorenzo.
What kind of doom and destruction? Well, who can know? Volcanoes, perhaps.
Imagine that.
Mice everywhere.
And fire.
And lightning.
And maybe even explosions.
[clattering inside.]
[glass shattering.]
[object thuds.]
Glad to see you, Puss.
I've just made a huge breakthrough.
On the scroll? On my cauldron.
Broke clean through it.
Ah, they don't make thaumaturgic bronze cauldrons like they used to.
What about the spell? Have you finished translating it? [snaps fingers.]
I knew there was something I was supposed to be working on once I was done making things explode.
You were not supposed to be exploding things at all.
I knew there was something I was supposed to be working on instead of making things explode.
You're going to make me explode! Don't worry, I've made some progress.
Here's an important part.
It says that in order to cast the spell, every single item from the treasure house must be returned.
Yes, we know this.
And it is no problem.
Most of the treasure is there.
Ninety percent, at least.
No, but it needs to be everything.
A hundred percent.
I will give you 93 percent.
And that is my final offer.
Are you trying to bargain with the scroll? I am out of other ideas.
This is impossible.
Just look at this inventory.
We must be missing one hundred items.
How can we possibly find it all? With the Mystic Silver Dowsing Rod of Akhenaten! - The what? - Oh, you know.
Pretty little silver thing in the shape of a Y.
All you have to do is think of an object, and the dowsing rod will lead you right to it.
This rod is the answer to our problems.
Do you know where it is? It's in the treasure house.
It's not in the treasure house.
[Puss sighs.]
I know where it is.
Ha! The evil sword.
Tell me what you know.
Oh! A group of things stole it.
I saw them, and I know where they took it.
I can lead you there.
Take me, Puss in Boots.
Free me from this wretched prison.
Take me in your hand, and I will show you where the dowsing rod is.
Never! If I pick you up, you will turn me evil.
Admit it! Yes.
That is exactly right.
I will turn you evil forever.
Lies! You cannot convince me that you do not plan to turn me evil.
I do.
I plan to turn you evil.
Tell me the truth, fiendish sword.
You're not much of a listener, are you? [Artephius coughs.]
There's no other way to find that dowsing rod, Puss.
- We need him.
- Hmm.
Wait a minute.
The Scimitar wishes to turn someone evil, but what if we got the least evil person in town to carry the Scimitar? Oh, sure.
Whoever would be the hardest for it to corrupt.
The purest of heart.
And naturally, that would be No.
You want me to carry something that might turn me evil? It will not turn you evil.
Yes, I will.
It seems pretty sure it will.
Dulcinea, there are few things I know as surely as this: You are the kindest, gentlest, most virtuous being I have ever met.
You have no evil in you, whatsoever.
And I know this because I, Puss in Boots, am the greatest judge of character who ever lived! Please, it is my duty to protect this town, and restoring the spell is the best way to do that.
But I cannot do it without your help.
San Lorenzo needs you, Dulcinea.
[door closes.]
Hi, hello.
We've met.
Yes, I remember.
I just think it's nice to say hello to people.
Hello, Dulcinea.
I look forward to possessing you and using you as a vessel by which to spread evil throughout the world.
Do not listen to his sweetie talk.
He is definitely up to no good.
For San Lorenzo.
Kill Puss in Boots! Slash.
Do it.
Stab, stab, stab! Heavens to Betsy, this sword is certainly grumpy.
[clears throat.]
Here, Mr.
"When nasty thoughts have filled your head, just hum a happy tune instead.
" [humming.]
Argh! This might be more difficult than I thought.
Ah-ha! It is as I said.
Dulcinea is incorruptible.
We leave at once! Oh, goody.
An adventure.
What fun! Sorry, Scimitar.
Your tricks will not work on Dulcinea.
She is absolutely pure.
We shall see, cat in shoes.
We shall see.
[crow cawing.]
The forest is growing more dense.
Dulcinea, stay close.
There may be dangerous things in these woods.
Ooh! [Scimitar.]
She's holding a dangerous thing.
Me! I'm going to turn her evil and then kill you! [Puss.]
Scimitar, be quiet so that we may be on the lookout for things that wish to kill us.
You know, this forest isn't the only thing that's dense.
Turn right at that fork.
Turn left at that fork.
Stab Puss with that fork! Oh, hush, silly goose.
Why are you in such a bad mood? Have I not been paying you enough compliments? You've been doing a good job navigating.
A very, very, very, very good job.
Yuck! Don't do that.
[grunts, exhales.]
Despite carrying the Scimitar for hours, you're still your same positive self.
We shall surely find this dowsing rod, and all because you're the good, pure person that I knew you were.
Oh, stop.
You're a good person, too.
Well [chuckles.]
That is kind of you to say.
And I try.
But, oh, boy, some of the things that I have done You know, I mean, really bad.
Horrible things.
Really, just unforgivable.
So, don't ask me.
Although if you did ask me, whew, I could tell you some stories.
Wow! I mean, they would curl your whiskers, and I am serious.
Feel the evil, Dulcinea.
I know you can feel the darkness flowing through you.
Just pie.
[bug buzzing.]
[cries out.]
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
What is it? Did you get bug squishings in your pie? I killed a mosquito.
I've never killed anything before.
Well, you did it like a real pro! I mean, this must be very difficult for you.
Why did I do that? Why did I do that? What's gotten into me? - [gasps.]
Am I turning evil? - Dulcinea, I promise you that you are not turning evil.
How silly to imagine that.
You think this is evil? When I think of some of the things that I have done.
Which I do not wish to talk about.
But feel free to ask if you must.
Oh, this boulder! Fear not, stranger.
I will free you from this cruel trap of nature.
I have been made free! Thank you, great hero.
I am Ulschalk Sùdenbock, but you can call me Uli.
Uli, your legs! Are they broken? No, these are my little goaty legs.
They bend backward und forwards.
You see? [laughs.]
Very amusing.
Such variety in leg bending.
Your legs are weird.
Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry.
I don't know where that came from.
- I think your legs are wonderful.
- Ja, that's true.
So anyway, Herr Puss, you have saved my life, und I am therefore bound to follow you as your faithful friend und helper.
Uh Come again? I will be coming with you now and forever, anywhere you go.
Oh, good.
How nice it'll be to have a new friend along.
And one who's so upbeat and pleasant.
Dulcinea, may I speak to you over here? Dulcinea [both exclaim.]
Uh, no.
Could you wait over there, please? Of course.
I'm very obedient.
We cannot allow this goaty man to come with us.
He gives me both the heebies and the jeebies.
But he's cheerful.
And he stinks like a goat.
And he's so friendly.
Trust me, this little cloven-hoofed fellow is trouble.
And we cannot endanger our mission to save San Lorenzo.
Even as we speak, Artephius is hard at work translating the rest of the spell.
We're orphans, we're orphans We're marching down the road We're singing and laughing And making things explode Second verse, more explosions than the first! I am afraid that we will not be needing your services as we press on.
You know how it is.
Two is a company, but three is one more than that, which is a bit too many.
You have such a way with words, Herr Boots.
All the more reason I must go mit you in your servitude.
We really must decline.
We are searching for a magical item, and we must not be encumbered.
But I can do the helping.
There is danger the way you are headed.
And let us face facts, there is no good reason for us to bring you.
Um, did you not hear him say there was danger, and that he could help? So therefore, Se?or Uli, we bid you good day.
Would it change your mind if I told you I was very lonely? [hooves clicking.]
Ooh! My little hoovsies, they sound like castanets.
There better be a dowsing rod at the end of this journey, Scimitar.
I will be displeased if I find out you've had some fiendish ulterior motive this whole time.
I am turning Dulcinea evil! Oh! Is he always like this? Puss can be very single-minded.
I wonder what this "danger" could be.
What's the matter, Puss in Boots? You scared? A big hero like you? Dulcinea, are you feeling all right? Oh! Don't worry about me, Puss.
I'm fine, I think.
That is the spirit! [evil snickering.]
[Dulcinea spits.]
- Dulcinea, did you just spit? - Yeah, so what? Spitting's my favorite.
Watch this.
[hawking, spits.]
[Puss gasps.]
Can't even hear it land.
We're up really high.
Really high.
Yes, well, all the more reason Gah! [squeaking.]
This is the so-called "danger"? These amusing little puff-balls? [Scimitar.]
We're nearly to the dowsing rod.
I can sense it.
Yeah, Puss.
Keep moving forward, you ol' slowpoke.
Did you just call me a name? [Scimitar.]
Dulcinea [whispering.]
Yeah, I know.
What are you two whispering about? I demand to know! Nothing.
We were just talking about your hat.
What about my hat? Oh, you know.
Just that we both agree it's a little bit [low pitch.]
I cannot remember having ever been subjected to such cruelty.
And from you, no less.
You're You're You're right.
Why would I say that? What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with me.
Come on! The dowsing rod is up here somewhere.
Up the cliffs we go.
Up, up, up! Scimitar.
I have figured out your fiendish plan.
You are trying to turn Dulcinea evil.
He's not trying to, Puss.
He already has.
Kill that miserable cat.
Kill, kill, kill! - Never! - I was talking to her.
Ah, yes, that makes more sense.
[grunting, screaming.]
[both grunting.]
- Dulcinea! I will not fight you.
- Works for me.
[hooves clopping.]
You win, Scimitar.
[Dulcinea grunts.]
I now see that you can corrupt anyone.
Even the most incorruptible person I know.
How nice of you to admit that, Puss.
Really means a lot.
Now, Dulcinea, the time has come.
Kill Puss in Boots.
Kill, kill! [Dulcinea grunts.]
Whoa, whoa! [screaming.]
Whoa! Oh.
[bleating chuckle.]
- [Uli.]
Und now I have saved you.
- Whoa! The irony is delicious, ja? Can't you just taste it? Uli, we must help Dulcinea.
Ha-ha! [Dulcinea grunting.]
- I can do this all day, Scimitar.
- Yeah, me too.
Because all I've got on my schedule is "kill Puss.
" [grunting.]
[Uli shouting.]
[Dulcinea yowls.]
[Scimitar laughs maniacally.]
Herr Boots! [Dulcinea grunting.]
What are you waiting for? Do it.
Do it! [grunting.]
Dulcinea! [Puss shouting.]
[thunder crashes.]
Nooooo! [Dulcinea panting.]
Dulcinea! [gasps.]
No! No, no, no, no, no! What have I done to you? You were right all along.
This is my fault.
Tell me that you are okay.
I'm okay.
- Huh? - [gasps.]
Oh! [hums.]
See? [laughs.]
[both laughing.]
Oh! [giggles.]
I feel terrible that I let the Scimitar corrupt me, Puss.
So, you still think you're the world's greatest judge of character? Of course.
You just proved how right I was about you.
No force can turn you evil, Dulcinea.
You had a chance to make the stabbing on my head, and you did not.
But I am afraid I was a very poor judge of someone else's character.
Uli, my new friend, I should have never doubted you.
You saved my life, and I am forever grateful.
But it was nothing, really.
Just paying back the savings of my life by Herr Boots.
Look! Here are the cliff sprites to celebrate our winning of the battles.
They are so amusing.
[bleating giggle.]
Oh, how they tickle my little goaty legs.
They live up here on these cliffs to keep their treasure safe.
Yes, yes.
Now, Dulcinea, we must see about - finding that dowsing rod.
- Uh, treasure? Ja.
It looks like the wishbone of the turkey.
Although it would have to be from a turkey made of silver.
A comical idea, ja? Uh-huh.
Like, in the shape of a Y? Ja, in the shape of the Y.
Dulcinea, I enjoy idle chatter as much as you do, - but we really must be looking for - Puss, have you ever noticed that you're sometimes not the best at listening to people? Ah! I am sorry.
Did you say that the cliff sprites have a silver thing in the shape of a Y? [sprites squeaking.]
[squeaking continues.]
Oh! The Mystic Silver Dowsing Rod of Akhenaten.
So the Scimitar wasn't lying about this.
We can't take the dowsing rod from them, Puss.
Look how much they love it.
[squeaking, purring.]
Ja, they like anything that is shiny.
So you like shiny things, eh? Perhaps you would consider a trade? [Scimitar.]
No! I don't want to stay here.
I want to turn people evil.
Take me back with you, please! [squeaking, purring.]
Scimitar, I have learned today that it is important for me to listen to people.
So, I am listening to you.
And choosing to ignore you.
Gah! No.
Don't leave me with them.
They're sticky.
How can I corrupt something without hands? Ew! One of them just kissed me.
[Scimitar screaming.]
So, goat man.
Dulcinea and I were thinking about this loneliness issue of yours.
It is most unpleasant, Herr Boots.
Many times, I am up clopping in distress all night long.
Yes, well, how would you like to return to San Lorenzo with us? [gasps.]
You mean it? So three is not a bit too many this time? It is not.
Oh, hooray.
I feel like humming.
Let us all hum a happy tune.
[all humming.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]