The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s02e09 Episode Script


1 [cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
2x09 - "Sphere" I have but one calling: to protect the people of San Lorenzo.
I have but one task: to find the last missing item and return it to the treasure house.
- And I have [yowls.]
- But one squire, me! Ulschalk Sundenbock! Und your squire has but two little goaty legs.
Ack! No.
I have broken the pattern.
Uli, what do I keep telling you? I do not require a squire.
"Require a squire.
" This is fun to say.
But every hero needs a squire, Herr Boots.
And you are a great hero! Of course I am.
Why? Is someone saying that I am not? Bring them to me, and I will slice them up lengthwise, like so! Ha-ha! En garde! Whoo! Just like how you sliced up the Swamp Serpent of Salzberg, ja? Ha-ha! Anyway, you were saying you had but one task? No, no, Uli.
A serpent you must slice crosswise.
Now a troll you must first subdue before you do the slicing.
This technique is more advanced.
And since you insist, I will show you.
The slicing must be done like so, and so.
You see? It is important I did once have the assistance of a small monkey while battling sea monsters in the East Indies.
This is a most amusing Have I ever told you of how I wooed the Marquesa de Montemayor using only some goat cheese and a tambourine? And then I said, "When Puss in Boots says he is going to slice up a medusa, this medusa will get sliced up by Puss in Boots!" Wait, why are you all here? [Dulcinea snoring.]
Hm? Oh! Ooh! It's five o'clock.
You said you'd have the final item by now, and we're all supposed to come watch the spell get restored.
Oh, yes.
Well, do not worry.
It will be a snap! [Puss.]
The treasure house inventory list says the last remaining item is some kind of silver sphere.
And it is around here somewhere.
- But Puss - [Puss.]
The rod is pointing down into the orphans' garden.
We just have to dig into the ground to recover this silver sphere.
Once again, but Puss And there is nothing down there but a realm of mole people, ruled by a king who spends all day gazing at his prized possession, a [all.]
Silver sphere.
Don't tell me.
It is a, um Ha! A silver sphere! Oh.
The silver sphere is obviously the Mole King's bally.
You remember what happened last time it got taken from him.
I saved the day? He and his guards came up and wrecked the town! And then I saved the day.
[low grumbling.]
Wait, the only reason the Mole King loves his bally is that it's shiny.
What if we got an even bigger, shinier sphere and offered to trade? Where would we get such a thing? I mean, does anyone in town know how to make a silver sphere? Behold! It's an experimental fishbowl I designed.
A perfect globe so the goldfish can't jump out.
Ooh! And it's shiny to protect its privacy.
But how would you see the goldfish? Well, exactly.
Not my best invention.
- And how would you feed it? - Not my best invention.
And how would you even get the fish inside? Not my best invention.
It is decided! With this silver sphere in trade, I will dig down below the earth und travel to the kingdom of the people who are moles, accompanied as always by his faithful squire.
- No! Uli, I have told you - Und as your squire hop, I will of course do all of the diggings mein self.
You have convinced me.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I'm a little goaty man Und I dig a mighty hole So Puss and I can go and see The people who are moles [bleats.]
You are an odd fellow, Uli.
[Uli bleats.]
[shovel digging.]
Okay, Puss! Watch out! Be safe! You know what happened the last time the Mole King Yes, yes, Artephius, I know.
Thank you for reminding me.
[Mole King sobbing.]
[continues sobbing.]
Eh, Your Most Esteemed Highness, I, Puss in Boots, have traveled from Quiet! Quiet! Can't you see I'm being really sad about stuff? This was her favorite comb.
She used it for combing! - Who did? - The Queen of the Megamicres.
- The Make-a-mookies? - The Megamicres! They live below us.
It's science.
Read a book.
Anyway, the queen's my girlfriend, except she dumped me.
I don't even know what I did wrong! And this sad show isn't helping me feel better at all.
Look at that sad king, sitting there all sad.
It's making me even sadder! [sobbing.]
So, what are you here to tell me? It better not be something sad.
Benevolent Mole King, I come to you with a business proposition.
Wait, you're that cat.
I'm not a fan of yours, in case you forgot.
You're that other cat.
You're good, I like you.
I dunno what this guy's doing, but I'm into it.
Look at his little hoofy foots.
That's so neat.
You honor me with your observation.
Great Mole King, I propose a trade.
In exchange for your bally, we will [screams.]
Bally? No! My bally! You're always trying to take my bally! [screams.]
In exchange for your bally, we offer you this bigger and shinier bally! Huh? Hm.
Bigger, shinier bally? - Um, does it have the same show? - Give it a try.
Hm, yeah, looks like that other guy.
Whoa! But the picture's way better on this one.
It's like wide screen.
But now he's making me sad again.
I don't even care about the show right now.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I definitely can't think about bally trades.
I can't do anything until I'm back with her.
Good king, if Dulcinea and I can get the queen to take you back, will you make the bally trade? Oh, man, are you serious? Anything! - But how? - It's really quite simple.
There's just one rule that you always need to remember.
And that rule is to always focus on - yourself.
- The other person.
- Yourself.
- The other person.
Wait, what? You must focus on yourself.
You know, the primping, and the grooming, and the strutting.
Making yourself irresistible to the ladies is what romance is all about.
No, Puss.
You focus on the other person.
Their needs, their desires.
You express your true emotions to them.
That's romance.
I think I know how to romance a lady, all right? Have I ever told you of how I wooed the Marquesa de Montemayor using only some goat cheese and a tambourine? [Uli.]
Ooh! Tell us the tale of this.
Hey, none of this is about me! You two officially have until sleep time to fix my relationship! Otherwise the deal's off! Don't you worry, Your Majesty.
You can count on us.
We will reunite you with the queen.
This I swear! [guard grunts.]
We will divide and conquer.
The king likes you better than me, so you stay here and try to teach him how to be a better boyfriend.
Got it.
And you go down to the Megamicres and convince the queen to give the king another chance.
Ooh! Und I will flit back and forth and let you both know the progress of the other.
Whoo! [giggles.]
Just think of all the flittings I will be doing.
He's Puss He's Puss in Boots And when the sun goes down He walks all through the town Hm.
This looks promising.
Now this [chuckles.]
This I like! Very fancy! And I have always liked fancy places.
[metal clangs.]
Hola, seòoritas.
Trespasser! [both growling.]
[Puss grunts.]
[both hissing.]
[Puss grunts.]
[both gasp.]
Mmm! [grunts.]
I demand to see your queen.
Perhaps "demand" is too strong a word.
[Puss groaning.]
Your Highness, we've captured an intruder.
Throw her in the pit of the fleshworms! [creatures snapping, chomping.]
Ay! Yikes! First off, that is nasty.
And second, I'm not a her.
I am a him! [all gasping.]
You're a him? Oh! I'm sorry.
The only males I've ever seen are mole men, and you're so so pretty! Um, well, sure.
Some say handsome.
Others say rugged or chiseled.
One said "symmetrical," as I recall.
She and I did not work out.
Mm, go on.
Let's start from the beginning.
Do you know why the queen left you? She said a bunch of stuff, but I can't remember what 'cause there was a really good episode of my show on where the guy just kept nodding and saying "uh-huh.
" I couldn't look away, it was so good, but Oh! She did say she wanted a grand romantic jester.
So I got her one.
See? [tinkling.]
I wonder if she might've actually said a "grand romantic gesture.
" Huh.
Is that something you can help me with? Oh, you betcha.
How about we start by doing a little role-playing? Okay! I'm awesome at mole-playing.
Role-play Oh, y'know, sure, that's fine.
Let's role-play a romantic stroll.
Pretend that I'm the queen.
I guess I'd just start walking.
- And I'd walk next to you, like so.
- No, you stay here, Queen.
I don't want you distracting me.
I take my strolls pretty seriously.
[retreating footsteps.]
[slow instrumental music playing.]
Dancing is very romantic.
We'll start by learning how to waltz.
Oh, no need.
There's a traditional mole dance that me and the queen do all the time.
She loves it.
Music! [fast country music playing.]
[Mole King grunting.]
Oh! Ooh! [giggles.]
Um Okay.
Uh, so what do I do? For the first hour, you sit there and watch.
Then, I don't know what you do after that, because I black out.
A candlelit dinner.
The ultimate romantic gesture.
Waiter! I'll have the maggot loaf.
That'll be all.
[clears throat.]
Aren't you forgetting something? Huh? Oh, snap, yeah.
Of course.
For dessert, I'll have the dirt fudge.
Your king has spoken! [silverware clatters.]
What? Oh! Um, should I, like, order you some food too? That would be lovely.
See? Now you're getting it.
Ah, man, how about that? Maybe love isn't so hard after all.
Hey, waiter! The lady will have the maggot loaf and the dirt fudge as well.
As for the fur on my belly, I just use a mild balm.
You want it to be glossy, but not too glossy.
Even the words you're saying sound pretty.
Tell me more about yourself.
I suppose I have been talking mostly about myself.
You see, Your Majesty, what I came down here to say Your Highness! We've captured another intruder.
Whoo! It's not often I get to have the upsides down.
What a special treat this is for Uli.
Your Majesty, this is my friend.
Squire! [yelps.]
All the bloods have rushed to mein little goaty he-e-a-ad.
So, Herr Puss? How do things go? I will make my report to Dulcinea.
Yes, yes, well, I have not really begun all that just yet.
You have not told her? So you have just been wasting the time? Very good.
I will go report this.
He thinks he's my squire, but I do not require a squire.
- Ah, that gets me every time.
- So, you were saying? Some reason why you came down here? I suppose it is not fair to suggest that I require no one, though.
I did once have the assistance of a small monkey while battling sea monsters in the East Indies.
[Mole King chomping loudly.]
What? This is, uh maggot loaf? [grunts.]
Oh, yeah.
It's maggots smushed into a loaf.
But don't worry, you can still really taste each and every maggot.
Oh! And be sure to save some room for that dirt fudge.
[continues chomping loudly.]
That's not just, uh, dirt smushed into fudge, is it? [chuckles.]
"Dirt smushed into fudge"! That's like [laughs.]
Oh, man! No! No! It's dirt that's mixed with water and smushed into fudge.
Oh, you're so hilarious! The queen never made me laugh like this.
[continues laughing.]
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Do you know what I just realized? I'm totally in love with you.
- What? - Yeah, I totally am.
[Dulcinea screams.]
Oh, my gosh.
You should be my queen! What a great idea! People, listen up! [Dulcinea gasps.]
This is your new queen now.
She's the love of my life since like five seconds ago and she's gonna live here and help me boss you guys around - forever and ever! - Oh! [all.]
All hail the queen! Whoo! This is a fun surprise.
Wait, he has fallen in love with her? Oh, ja.
He asked her to be his queen.
Right in the middle of the most charming dinner, mit the table cloths und the candles und the loves in the air! [groans.]
This is not going according to plan.
The Megamicre Queen has fallen in love with me too.
[queen sighing.]
Whoo! A blessing on your households.
Uli, go to Dulcinea at once and tell her we must both try harder.
We are running out of time.
I will say this thing.
Off I clomp.
Your Majesty, as I was saying, I have come down here because Oh, what is the matter? I I'm a little sad, if you want to know the truth.
See, I just broke up with someone and I could tell you were sad, because your ears are drooped over.
Look! Oh, my.
They are really very droopy, are they not? Kind of uh tempting.
Hey! Pretty boy! My eyes are down here.
Right! Yes.
As though I would bat at the ear of a great ruler such as yourself.
As I was saying [clears throat.]
I'm sad because Just Sorry, really quickly.
Would it be okay if I were to bat at her ear? Argh! Why? Why can't you focus on what I'm trying to say to you? - I can! I just - You don't care about me! Guards, seize him! [grunts.]
Ha-ha! [grunts.]
Ha-ha! [hisses.]
[meows, purring.]
Your Majesty, you have my full, undivided attention.
Thanks for updating me, Uli.
Puss is right.
We need to try harder.
Ja, it's almost time for the sleepings.
Also, let us be very careful not to say anything about the queen falling in love with Herr Boots.
Oh! The queen loves the cat? Schweinhund! I have made the oopsie-doopsie! [Uli bleating.]
Your Highness! What were you doing back there? I was gonna surprise you with an extra plate of dirt fudge.
I thought it would be grand and romantic.
I even got the jester, see? [tinkling.]
[plate shatters.]
I can't believe it.
That sneaky cat stole my girlfriend! I knew I couldn't trust him! - Your Highness, it's not his fault.
- You're right.
It's hers.
How could she do this to me? Oh, my heart feels like it got smushed into a loaf.
I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! Everyone, listen up! We're going to war! We're gonna storm down there, and we're gonna go through 'em like dirt fudge through a maggot! 'Cause the queen's in love with that cat, and I hate him, and I hate her, and I hate everything right now! All right, let's move it out! Wait up, though, 'cause I want to be up front.
Wait, hang on.
Excuse me.
Comin' through.
Oh, my.
I wanted to like you, Puss, okay? Really, I did.
You're suave, you're charming, you're very pretty.
- Some say handsome.
- But you're the worst! Are all men this self-involved? You're just like my ex with his stupid bally.
Your Majesty, the Mole King has changed.
He does not care about his bally anymore! - Oh, you're lying.
- No, it is true.
He has agreed to give it to me in exchange for a poorly-designed fishbowl.
Okay, now I know you're lying.
We're done here.
Guards, throw him in the pit of the fleshworms.
So, just for the sake of clarity, these fleshworms, are they? Giant worms that eat your flesh? Yes, they are.
What the heck? [all gasping.]
Whoa! [grunts.]
[all growling.]
Move it! One side! Hello, Queenie.
Moley! What are you doing here? - I hereby declare war on you! - Your Highness! Don't do this! Guards! On my command, start doing war stuff! Wait! Why are you doing this? I don't know.
Mmm because you love the cat, okay? It's not fair, 'cause I love you! And you broke up with me, and I don't know why you did, so what else am I supposed to do, you know? Oh, Moley! [Mole King.]
Oh! [grunting.]
I can't believe you went to the trouble of declaring war on me.
What a grand romantic gesture.
Ooh! I never knew you cared this much.
If you'd only shown me before, I never would've left you! Wait, really? Well, I'll always declare war on you then.
I swear it! - Poopsie.
- Poopsie.
[queen giggling.]
[all cheering.]
This is so sweet.
Yee! Just imagine how happy everyone will be when they find out that we got the sphere.
I told you it would be a snap.
All it took was showing the Mole King that, in love, it is important to think of the other person first.
Why did no one suggest this earlier? [grumbles.]
And Uli, you were most helpful today, keeping me from getting too distracted.
Very helpful indeed.
Um, do you get what I'm telling you? That I was very helpful today? That perhaps I do require a squire.
You mean it, Herr Boots? Truly? Oh! I am so full of the joy.
I will do such good work for you.
I will not let anyone do the distractings.
You! Dulcinea! You are distracting Herr Boots.
Get away from him with that pretty face of yours! Ah, but Uli, Puss is the pretty one, remember? Handsome.
We say handsome.
[both laughing.]
[Uli bleats.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]