The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

Familiar Feeling

[cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
4x01 - Familiar Feeling [laughs triumphantly.]
I've done it! At last, I've discovered the secret of the Crown of Souls! What? What is it? It does - not work.
- Whoa! This cannot be.
It must work.
The Crown of Souls is the only way to defeat the Bloodwolf.
What are we gonna do? Maybe I could make him a macramé girlfriend.
This is the most terrifying being in existence.
I do not think making a lady wolf out of strings and beads is what we need.
Okay, well, don't say I didn't try to help.
But that crown is broken, Puss.
See? It should have a gem right here.
What? A gem? [gasps.]
The Gem of the Crown! Oh, there's a story in the book.
Oh, wait, here it is.
The Tale of the Gem of the Crown.
[clears throat.]
"Good King Borvald, long ago, possessed a mighty crown.
He feared its strength in evil hands could tear the whole world down.
And so, he broke the gem that fueled the crown into three parts, and gave them to three witches, masters of the darkest arts.
The Eldritch Sisters, they were called, and they fought with each other.
So good King Borvald knew the gem could not be brought together.
Thus the pieces of the gem could never reunite.
And so, the world was safe from this dread crown's enchanted might.
" [sighs.]
That's a lot of rhyming.
I know what I must do.
I will find the pieces of this gem and restore the power of the Crown of Souls.
- Ooh, can I come? - No.
- I know where those witches are.
- Then yes.
And I'll come too.
No, I cannot let you risk your life.
This is far too dangerous.
If it's so dangerous, you need me there to protect you.
Dulcinea, I know you are strong and capable.
But you are so important to me.
I would feel better if you were safe at home.
And, anyways, this is not a journey for a lady.
Duchess, you will come with us.
What's happening? Where are we going? Are we getting ice cream? We, including me, are going on a dangerous journey.
And ice cream after? - I guess.
- I'm in! Dulcinea! I will not allow you to go! But, Puss Nothing will change my mind.
Nothing! [Dulcinea giggles.]
[Puss grumbles.]
I still remember our first date, Duchy.
You were as beautiful then as you are now.
Why all the flattery? Are you going to ask to borrow money or something? Oh, I've just been thinking a lot about our time together.
That picnic, when I turned the ants into elephants and got trampled.
That carriage ride through the forest, when I got mauled by a bear.
Oh, they're so cute together, aren't they? I would chose death over listening to this.
You dragged me to the finish line, and I woke up just in time for Halloween.
Oh, we did have some good times together, didn't we? [chuckles.]
We sure did, sugar biscuit.
Please let there be an end to this! Look, a dark, terrifying castle.
Yes! [thunder rumbling.]
I don't like the looks of that castle.
Really? No offense, but it seems like your kind of place.
I have a bad feeling about it.
It hurts my head.
It seems familiar somehow.
Let us go inside.
No! I'll just wait here.
Keep a lookout.
Duchess, if we do not get that gem, we will never defeat the Bloodwolf.
Facing a witch, we may need your knowledge of magic.
I think we should stick together.
It's okay, honey lumps.
I won't let the big, bad castle get you.
Now, come, let us enter this foreboding castle and face whatever unspeakable evil lies within, together.
[door unlatches.]
[door creaking open.]
[door shuts.]
[helmet creaks.]
[helmet creaks.]
[door creaking.]
It is empty.
Where did she go? Someone must live here.
[mutters indistinctly.]
It feels Hmm.
[witch cackling.]
[clearing throat.]
I am Malviola.
I am a witch.
Could you tell? Tell what? That I'm a witch.
I mean, was it immediately obvious? I have a pointy hat.
I have a broom.
And a wand.
Yes, it was quite apparent.
I am so a witch, it isn't even funny.
Yes, we get that.
Listen to me cackle.
And my skin is green.
Umm, I'm pretty sure that's makeup.
My skin is green.
It isn't pink.
I hate pink.
Also, I hate puppies and butterflies and frilly dresses.
Because I'm a witch, and witches don't like that stuff.
Yes, yes, you are very much a witch.
I am.
Just like the witches in this book that shows you how to be a witch.
I think that it is very clear to all of us that you are a witch.
Right, everyone? - [Artephius.]
Clear as day.
- [Dulcinea.]
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Umm, we are looking for the Gem of the Crown of Souls.
- Do you - Sure, I have part of it.
But my sisters have the other pieces, and you won't have any luck with them.
They are the worst! They'll make fun of you and never let you change the channel on the crystal ball and steal your boyfriend.
What? Let's go, Arty.
I can't spend another minute in this place.
I'd go anywhere with you, bubblecakes.
[Dulcinea clears throat.]
So, Malviola, is it? I'm Dulcinea, and this is Puss in Boots.
And umm, we're wondering if Wait a second.
You're cats! I need a cat.
See? I have everything a witch has, because I am a witch.
Everything but a cat.
A witch is supposed to have a cat for a familiar.
It's a witch thing.
If one of you agrees to be my familiar, I will let you have my piece of the gem.
And what exactly does being your familiar entail? Oh, the usual stuff.
I would see through your eyes, control your mind, make you my servant for all eternity.
We'd be best friends forever.
[Puss chuckles nervously.]
Yes, well, that is very nice of you, but we do not want to do that because you are really, very really creepy.
And what makes you think you have any choice? [laughing manically.]
Why must everything be difficult? [Dulcinea screams.]
[screaming, grunting.]
[loud crashing.]
It sounds like it's going well in there.
Yes, let's just, uh, step outside while they sort things out.
[laughing maniacally.]
[Ducinea yelps.]
[Puss grunting.]
[Puss screams, grunts.]
Stop! I'll be your familiar.
Dulcinea, no! I cannot allow you to make that sacrifice.
I will be your familiar.
Puss, I said I would protect you, and I meant it.
Take me! No, me! Oh, I see you're fighting over the great honor, because I am a witch.
You must take me.
Dulcinea would be a terrible familiar.
She is too kind-hearted.
You don't want Puss.
He snores.
And he chews with his mouth open.
She sheds in hot weather.
- He picks his toes.
- She cannot swim.
He has fleas! [both gasp.]
Dulcinea! I know I crossed a line there.
I'm sorry.
Two cats fighting over me.
I am the witchiest witch ever.
[clears throat.]
Cats, I will give you one hour to prepare your arguments, and then I will return and render my decision.
I'm a witch.
You have to let me do this, Puss.
No, I will not.
I cannot let you give up your life to this witch.
Puss, we all have sacrifices to make.
I'm a part of the team too.
Then I will make the sacrifice.
The orphans need you.
San Lorenzo needs you.
No! And that is final.
I will turn myself into the finest familiar a witch could want.
I go! If I'm gonna be a better familiar than Puss, I'm gonna need some help.
Of course I can help you, dear.
I know what witches like.
But are you sure you want to do this? I can't let Puss give up his life to Malviola.
Say, where's Artephius? I'm sure I don't know.
We aren't speaking.
What? But you were getting along so well.
What did you do? The brash fool declared that he could throw farther than I can.
I threw him.
Really far.
I am very good at throwing.
So, what can we do to make you a more desirable familiar? [gasps.]
You should be black.
Witches love black cats.
How are you gonna do that? Burn you black with fire! Uh-huh.
Let's, maybe, see if we can think of something else.
Think, Puss, think.
What can I do to get Malviola to pick me, to spare Dulcinea from that terrible fate? How can I make myself even more irresistible to a lady? Well, don't say you can throw farther than her, that's for sure.
Who did this to you? Let me know so that I may avenge you.
It was the Duchess.
Well, I am sure that she had her reasons.
Artephius, I need your help.
To become the ideal witch's familiar? Yes, how did you know? Wait, what, was that right? Oh.
I thought I was just saying one of my usual crazy things.
[both grunt.]
Hmm? Oh.
Umm I don't see how this makes me a better familiar.
[The Duchess.]
Well, I don't know.
It's just some spell I have.
Oh, how about a rattlesnake? [rattling.]
Umm, no snakes please.
[The Duchess.]
Hmm, what else? What else? Ooh! Sandbags! Uh.
Umm Oh, mood lighting.
Always works like a charm on dinner dates.
I'm sure Puss is doing better than this.
Uh Why am I upside down? Don't you know? There's nothing better than mimicking a bat's behavior to become a vampire.
Artephius! You're supposed to help me become a witch's familiar.
Oh! Why don't you practice some witchy cat poses, like in Malviola's book? Excellent.
Like this? Hmm.
Maybe more of a spooky face? Woo! Meh.
You can do better.
- Egh.
- Nope.
[alternating growls.]
Next! - Aggh! - Nope.
- Ughh! Eeh! Ooh! - No.
No! [growls.]
Wait, wait, wait.
Next! [groans.]
[The Duchess.]
No! No.
I said witchy cat.
Those aren't witchy.
Think witchy.
Now try again.
Mmm [dramatic growl.]
- Ugghh! - Nope! - Eggh! Aahh! - [The Duchess.]
No! [alternating growls.]
- Aaah! - [The Duchess.]
No! [Artephius.]
Never! [growling.]
- [The Duchess.]
- [Artephius.]
- [The Duchess.]
- [Artephius.]
- [The Duchess.]
- Stop! [grunting snarl.]
Wait, no, too much, too much.
Agh! Ah, there it is! Perfect! Oh, you'll win first prize in the pie-eating contest for sure.
What? [imitates growling.]
No, no, no.
Malviola is definitely going to choose Puss.
He's so theatrical.
And he's orange, which is practically red, like blood.
Plus he's got those black leather boots, and that adorable accent, and he's so handsome and charming.
[low chuckle.]
Eh, where were we? You were making me uncomfortable? Oh, yes.
No, there's just not much I can do, short of actually turning you into Puss.
That's it! You can make me look like Puss, and when she picks him, she'll be picking me! Do you have a spell that can do that? I have just the thing.
The soul of Klaus Von Braunschweig, master of the transformation spell.
Hello! Are we having eine party? Shut up! - Oh, good, you didn't explode.
- [Dulcinea.]
What? Whoo! [gasps.]
Oh, my gosh.
I'm Puss.
I'm Puss! Whee! Yes, exactly.
Except for your voice, mannerisms, posture, personality and walk! What's wrong with my walk? Uh, try more of a, you know, a man walk.
Stomp around and take up more space like you own everything.
Puff your chest out more.
Pick up your feet.
That's better.
Now, try the accent.
[clears throat, mimics Puss.]
I'm [yells.]
Puss never uses contractions! I am [clears throat.]
I am I am Puss in Boots! That's pretty good.
Say, crazy idea, are you busy for dinner? [Dulcinea imitating Puss.]
I, the great Puss in Boots, hereby demand to be your familiar! [chuckles excitedly.]
Look at how perfect I am.
Oh, yes! You're perfect! [door creaking.]
Imposter! [gasps.]
Umm I am not the imposter.
I am Puss in Boots.
You are the imposter.
Dulcinea? Is that you? No.
Get the gem from Malviola and go, you, who are not Puss in Boots, because I am Puss in Boots! No, no, no ,no.
You are not Puss in Boots.
I am Puss in Boots.
I am Puss in Boots.
I am a great adventurer.
I am a great adventurer.
I am the finest swordsman in the world.
I am the finest swordsman in the world.
I am a big, stupid baby.
You are a big, stupid baby.
- Knock it off! - Knock it off! [Puss.]
This is really very annoying.
- Which one is really Puss? - [Dulcinea.]
This is really very annoying.
I'm not sure but I think I'm having dinner with whoever loses.
[Dulcinea imitating Puss.]
I am the greatest hero ever in the history of everything, and also including the future! Why are you being so arrogant? I do not act like that.
Do I act like that? - That's you exactly.
- Yeah, you sure do.
You cannot be as good as a swordsman as I.
That is actually really good.
So, you want to dance with Puss in Boots? No one is better at being me than me.
Capo Ferro! Hey, I taught you that! [Puss and Dulcinea grunting.]
Stop it! What is going on here? Are you trying to trick me? [grumbling.]
I have had enough! I'm going to out-witch all the other witches and have two familiars! [thunderclap.]
No, four.
I'm taking you all! [yells.]
I am a witch! [Puss.]
Aah! [grunting.]
[Artephius grunts.]
Oh! Wintergreen! My favorite.
Oh, Arty, you remembered.
[both grunting.]
[both grunting.]
If we're gonna do this, we have to work together.
I can distract her.
Hey, witch.
Over here! We're going to need that transformation spell.
And get ready to throw.
What? [Puss gasps.]
Whoa! [grunting.]
Now! [grunts.]
A pretty pink butterfly.
Oh, where? Wait, that's not pink.
It is not a butterfly either.
[Puss grunting.]
[Malviola screams.]
[Dulcinea, Puss grunt.]
You beat me.
How could you beat me? I am [sobs.]
I am not a witch.
- It's okay, Malviola.
- [Malviola.]
No, it's not! Now you all know I like pink and butterflies.
Witches don't like that stuff.
Witches can like whatever they want.
Look at me.
I was disguised as Puss, but I was still me.
And you'll still be you no matter what things you like.
You'll still be a witch.
I will? You will.
So, I can like pink and butterflies and puppies and pretty, frilly dresses? Oh, yes.
Yes, you can.
[exclaims in delight.]
You've made me the happiest witch in the world.
Take my piece of the gem.
I can't wait to get this makeup off.
It's so sweaty.
Wait, when did Dulcinea get here? - She's been here all along.
- Duchy! When did you get here? Oh, Arty, never change.
Puss, I'm sorry if you were insulted when I was acting like you.
I was just trying to protect you.
I knew it! So I do not really act that way.
Arrogant and egotistical.
Oh, no, you totally do.
And I wouldn't have you any other way.
I'm pink! I'm pink, and I'm going to get a puppy for a familiar.
Yes, very good.
Now, I wonder if you could direct us to the next witch.
Oh, my sister Malaranea is right down the hall.
But you don't want to get near her.
She is the worst.
I mean, imagine the worst thing you can think of.
Being licked by a dog? She's worse than that.
Come, my friends.
We must go to this Malaranea, even if she spells our doom.
Goodbye! Goodbye! Thank you! I'm pink.
I'm pink, and I'm a witch.
[chuckles excitedly.]
I am a witch! [cackling.]