The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s06e08 Episode Script

Not a Date

1 [CAT PURRS, MEOWS.]
[FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GIGGLES.]
- [PUSS YOWLING.]
- El Gato! [YOWLS.]
[SWORDS CLANGING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[DULCINEA GRUNTING.]
Capo Ferro! - [PUSS.]
Ha-ha! - [DULCINEA.]
Hiyah! Puss in Boots and Dulcinea expertly lay waste to incompetent thieves once more.
[GRUNTS.]
Just like we did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and twice the day before that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Indeed! [YAWNS.]
Just another day battling these lowlifes.
[GRUNTING.]
It is all battling, all the time.
It sometimes feels as though we are stuck in a rut.
A violent, totally exhilarating rut, but still a rut.
[THIEF.]
You need to spice things up a bit, huh? Do something different.
Argh! You know, perhaps these sorry excuses for villains are correct.
Oh, thank you.
Ugh! We need to do something other than fight thieves.
Hmm, we could take a cooking class.
[GRUNTS.]
Or go for a sunset desert hike.
Or go dancing! [THIEF.]
Or perhaps you two could take a lakeside retreat for some rest and relaxation! Ooh, Puss, a lakeside retreat! What a nifty idea! A nifty idea, indeed.
Thank you, irredeemable cretins! - [THIEF.]
You're welcome! - So it is settled.
We will have a hiatus in the form of a holiday by the lake.
One hundred percent free of thief-battling.
Deal.
[GIGGLES.]
You're going on a lakeside vacation with Dulcinea? Swoon! That's so romantic.
What nonsense.
How could anyone consider a trip to a very scenic, very private beach with no one around but a very beautiful cat lady whose company I very much enjoy to be romantic? [SCOFFS, SNORTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a date, Puss.
[STUTTERS.]
A date? A date? All I know is that a lakeside vacation is one of the most romantic things I can imagine.
And trust me, I've imagined plenty of 'em.
You have, have you? Sure! I imagine romantic situations all the time.
Sometimes I spend days on end without eating or bathing.
What? That's not ridiculously sad.
Is it? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, there, there.
It'll get better, Eames.
[CHUCKLES.]
It won't get better! Look, the point is, this is definitely not a date.
Ooh, that is definitely a date.
No, it isn't.
It's only a date if we say it's a date.
Ha! That is not how it works.
I can say that this is a date right now.
But have you bought me fried orejas yet? No.
So this is not a date.
A lakeside vacation is supremely romantic.
Why, I can remember one day that Artephius and I visited the lake.
We gazed up at the sky, and we watched as both of our giant flying lobsters took off into the air, leaving us behind.
Ooh, that's when we knew we'd be stranded on Jupiter for the rest of our lives! Oh! But that was hours ago.
Anyway, what was I talking about, again? You are all making a big deal out of nothing! Dulcinea and I are friends.
Best friends.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, laddie, you can kiss that friendship good-bye once you introduce romance into the picture.
Say good-bye to all your friends, in fact.
You two have the same friends, and when you break up, we'll each have to choose sides.
[GASPS.]
But I don't want any of you to have to choose between me and Puss.
If you don't want to ruin your relationship with Puss and subsequently lose all your friends, then you'd better make it very clear to him that his little plan is decidedly not a date.
Good morning, Dulcinea, m-my friend whose friendship I value.
Oh, hello, Puss, my good friend and absolutely nothing more.
I am so excited for our completely non-romantic vacation.
See? I even packed us a non-romantic picnic.
We've got sardines with onions, garlic with onions, sardines with garlic, a little garlic onion salad, and an onion.
Excellent! I am excited as well, in a purely platonic way.
I have brought us this unromantic blanket made of a most itchy fabric.
Very roomy, too.
Everyone gets plenty of personal space.
And I brought nothing but my winning smile.
[SNICKERS.]
Huh? Oh, um, Toby? Sorry, but did you think you were coming with us or Sure, why not? You both keep repeating very loudly that this is "a non-romantic trip where no romance will happen romantically.
" Well, this is definitely not a date.
So I guess there's no reason why you shouldn't come.
Unless I'm mistaken.
No, no.
[CHUCKLES.]
A date.
Us.
Ha! Why, I almost threw up at the thought.
[RETCHING.]
Oh.
Right, yes, me too.
[RETCHING.]
[BOTH RETCHING.]
So, the more, the merrier? I guess? Yay! - [RUMBLING.]
- [TOWNSFOLK SCREAMING.]
Aah! [ARTEPHIUS YELPS.]
That is it! I cannot live like this any longer! These earthquakes are ruining everything! Boy, I'm confident I speak for just about everyone when I say that we'd all sure like a break from this earthquake-riddled town of ours.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I have an idea.
Why don't all of you Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[WHIMPERS.]
come along with me, Puss, and Dulcinea on their totally platonic, definitely not romantic lakeside vacation? The more, the merrier! - [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
- [MAN.]
That sounds like a good idea! Eh, sit! So it's settled.
We're all coming on your vacation with you! [TOWNSFOLK.]
Yay! [BOTH.]
Yay.
[TOBY GIGGLING.]
[CLEEVIL.]
Yay! - Ooh! - Oof! Wow.
Looks like the whole gang is here.
- [TOBY GIGGLING.]
- Yep.
How wonderful for us.
- Uh - We love our friends.
- Ooh! - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Hmm? Hmm? - Mm, mm? - [GASPS SOFTLY.]
Uh [CHUCKLES.]
- Onion? - Oh, yes, thank you.
[CHOMPING.]
I love how it makes one's breath so unappealing.
Mm-hmm! It's like the book says "If Cupid's arrow you wish to miss, chomp some onion, and you shall not kiss.
" Oh! Oh, no.
Not that I was hoping we'd kiss or anything.
No! No.
Not remotely.
Kiss you? What a ludicrous idea! Can you imagine? That is in no way something I am interested in.
That is, unless Unless? Unless Puss and Dulcinea, look at me right now! - We're looking, Toby! - Who said we are not looking? Watch me do a cannonball! [GRUNTS.]
Ugh! Eh? Eh? Um, maybe try it in the water next time? Okay! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[EAMES CHOMPING.]
Oh, whoops.
Was this yours? [SNIFFS.]
Mmm.
You know [GULPS.]
I am just a sucker for onions is the thing.
And onions with garlic? One ticket to Tastyville, please! Toot, toot! - Hi, Bootsy, Esmeralda! - [BOTH GASP.]
[GRUNTS.]
I saw this blanket, and I thought, "Now, there's a good spot for me to work on my tan.
" Puss in the Boots! I just took my first swimming lesson ever, and I am very bad at it, which I assume is somehow your fault.
- That is all.
- [WOMAN.]
Puss, Dulcinea.
There's nothing more romantic than chocolate-dipped strawberries - Ooh! - which is why I prepared some for my husband and me.
I'll just leave them here in your non-date area until a little later.
Clearly they'll be safe with you two platonic friends.
Just to clarify, don't eat them! My marriage hangs in the balance! [PUSS SIGHS.]
As delightful as it is to spend time with so many of our friends And your one best friend! [GRUNTS.]
this is perhaps not entirely what I had in mind.
Truthfully, me neither.
But still, we can find a way to enjoy ourselves, right? We're happy.
We're warm.
We're in the sun.
- [TOBY.]
Cannonball! - [BOTH GASP.]
[PUSS GROWLS.]
So go for a walk? Go for a walk.
[BIRD SCREECHES.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Whew! Finally! Some alone time.
Just a lovely stroll in the brutally hot desert.
[SIGHS.]
Absolutely.
Why, I do not recall having as good a time as this ever in my life.
[GRUNTS.]
Such a delightful heat.
It is really very, really stiflingly hot.
Dulcinea, I have a confession to make.
I never truly wished for this day to be a non-romantic vacation of the type that friends do.
You didn't? I did not.
I wished for it to be perhaps a romantic getaway between more than friends.
But well, why didn't you say anything? I was afraid to admit it.
I did not want to harm our friendship.
And now, because of my hesitation, our first date/not a date but possibly a date was a failure.
It wasn't a total failure.
I mean, we're out here.
Alone.
At last.
And for once, we're not fighting thieves! - [SWORDS UNSHEATHING.]
- [THIEF CACKLING.]
[CHOMPING.]
[GROWLS.]
Hey, Puss in the Boots.
I see you.
[LAUGHING.]
[HOOTING.]
[BLUBBERING.]
[SPITS.]
- [DULCINEA.]
Oof! - [PUSS GRUNTS.]
[LATCH CLICKS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, this is rich.
Puss in the Boots and the other cat who also wears boots, captured by me.
How fun is this? [THIEF.]
Eh, pretty fun? El Moco! Release us at once! We were having a really very, really lovely first date/not a date - but possibly a date! - Wait, for real? Wow.
Kind of thought it would never happen.
Nobody did.
Puss in the Boots, my greatest adversary ever.
He who locked me in a box.
[GRUNTS.]
He who drove me out of San Lorenzo.
He who stole all my fudge.
He ugh who locked me in a box a second time.
He who will pay with his blood! [LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
I am sorry.
Uh, did you say something about fudge? [GNAWING.]
Uh, I don't know.
Did I? Did I? Answer me, Puss in the Boots! You think you're so much smarter than me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I've got your number, pretty kitty.
Where is it? Where is it? Do you have it? Do you have it? [THIEF.]
Uh, have what, boss? The thing! [BLUBBERING.]
You know, the thing! [MUMBLING.]
The boss he isn't doing so well.
Yeah, he seems a little broken.
Well, a man can only suffer so many humiliations at the hands of a cat in shoes before he begins to lose it.
Puss, did you really lock him in a box twice? Isn't that just cruel? I had forgotten about the second time.
"Ah! Help me! I am locked in a box!" [CHUCKLES.]
Classic Puss.
Say, Puss in the Boots, old buddy, I was wondering, would you and your girlfriend rather die painfully or very painfully? - [GASPS.]
- I know, right? He called you my girlfriend! [EL MOCO GROWLS.]
Oh, yes.
The gasp was because he is going to kill us.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
[EAMES.]
A toast, everyone! To Puss and Dulcinea! The platonic, entirely unromantic cat friends who inspired this glorious vacation at the lake.
[ALL.]
To Puss and Dulcinea! Thieves! Right among us! Prepare to be handled roughly, scofflaws! No, no, no! We are here on urgent business! El Moco has kidnapped Puss and Dulcinea.
And to be honest, we are okay with that.
But he has really gone mad.
It is scary! Hasn't he always been kind of out there? He tried to blow up our town less than a month ago.
Yes, but not like this.
He's crossed a line, man.
That is why we are here betraying him.
He has become a monster! He eats sand and rocks.
He howls through the night like a caged beast.
He has stopped clipping his toenails.
Listen, unless you do something, Puss and his girlfriend are [CREAKS.]
- [ALL GASP.]
- I know, right? He called Dulcinea Puss' girlfriend! [THIEF.]
Anyway, we should go.
Thank you for the chocolate-dipped strawberries.
What are you waiting for? We've got to save Puss and Dulcinea! [TOWNSFOLK CHEERING.]
- Well, we had a good run.
- Can't win 'em all.
[DISH CLATTERS.]
- Oh, I can't live without you! - I can't quit you! [COINS CLINKING.]
- [GIGGLING.]
- Hey, come back here! [HUMMING.]
- [TOWNSFOLK CLAMORING.]
- Wait, what? [GROWLS.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Where are Puss in the Boots and Dulcinea? [LAUGHTER.]
[IMITATING EL MOCO.]
Puss in the Boots! I blame you for everything! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! [GASPING BREATH.]
Oh, I have not had this much fun ever.
I know.
Being locked in this cage has been the best thing that's ever happened to us.
No thieves to fight, no town to protect, and no [GASPS.]
Señora Zapata! Yes, she is the worst, is she not? [LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Ah, my beloved Señora Zapata! I hope you and our wonderful townsfolk are having as lovely a holiday outside this cage as Dulcinea and I are having in it.
You're enjoying it in there? We came because we heard you were locked up and about to die! Indeed we are.
And yet, a little involuntary confinement was just what we needed to turn our trip around.
We are having the time of our lives! Lives which are about to end! We have returned, and we have gathered enough desert eels to devour you alive in that very cage! Hey, those are just sticks.
Oh, really? Could just sticks do this? [HISSES, GRUNTS.]
Aah! Eels! Run for your lives! Oh! They are attempting to escape! You knew they would.
You're the only one who gets it.
It is everyone else who is mad.
Yes, oh, yes.
Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep.
And now, attack! - [EAMES SHUDDERING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- Ow.
Ow! - Destroy him, my eel.
- Stop it! Ouch.
Ow.
- Destroy! What are you waiting for? We have them right where we want them! [EAMES.]
Ow.
Ow.
Ouch.
[THIEVES YELLING AND GRUNTING.]
So do we fight now or I guess.
[SHOUTS.]
[ALL SHOUTING AND GRUNTING.]
[HISSING.]
[BOTH GASP.]
[SEÑORA ZAPATA SCREAMING.]
[ARTEPHIUS YELLS.]
I can fly! Again! ¡Queso fuerte! Madness has given him the strength of 12 men! Puss, we have to help them.
The promise we made was very clear, Dulcinea.
No battling today.
I am sure our friends can handle this brute.
- [SCREAMING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
[SHOUTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[DULCINEA GASPS.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my.
Huh? - [SCREAMING, LAUGHING.]
- [TOBY SQUEALING.]
- [EAMES GROANING.]
- [THIEF.]
We have to pretend to fight.
But please defeat El Moco.
He frightens us.
Ow! I am stumbling towards the cage! [GASPS.]
What a klutz I am! I have accidentally unlocked the door, and now the two cats will surely escape! [WHISPERS.]
Please escape.
[GRUNTS.]
Leave us alone! We are enjoying our repose.
Puss, we have to stop this! But do you not remember what we kept repeating today? No fighting! We must get out of our rut! Forget the rut! We have to help our friends! [TOBY.]
No! [YELLS, GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
You are right.
Felina, I made a promise to fight no thieves today, but I fear I must break it.
Hmm.
Shall we? I thought you'd never ask.
El Gato.
[GASPS.]
[MAN GRUNTS.]
[PANTING.]
[GROWLING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[EL MOCO.]
Huh? Huh? - [CHUCKLING.]
- Huh? [YOWLS.]
Ugh! [GRUNTING.]
Ha-ha-ha-ha! [ALL GRUNTING.]
[BOTH WHIMPER.]
[GROANING.]
[GRUNTING.]
You have to admit, they make a cute couple.
[SLOW-MOTION GRUNTS.]
Ugh! I'd stay down if I were you, bub.
[CRYING.]
Oh, no! Defeated by cats, again! [CRIES.]
My mother was right.
I'm pathetic.
- [SOBBING.]
- I kind of feel sorry for him.
This is really, very hard to watch.
[SNIFFLES.]
I have seen the error of my ways, Puss in the Boots.
I have no choice but to abandon civilization, take a vow of silence, and live out the rest of my days as a wandering monkey.
Do you mean a wandering monk? I meant what I said! [HOOTING AND WHOOPING.]
[GIBBERING.]
Hey, that looks like fun! [HOOTING.]
Hey, there, little fella! Wh-What just happened? Dulcinea, Puss! Thank you! You saved us! Of course.
We love our friends.
Indeed.
And whether today was a date or an unromantic trip where no romance would happen romantically, the main thing is that our friends will always be more important to us than alone time.
Wow! Well, we were going to head back to San Lorenzo now, but if you guys want us to keep hanging out - Go now.
- Please leave.
[DULCINEA.]
I'd say this moment was worth waiting for.
Wouldn't you, Puss? [PUSS.]
Oh, without a doubt.
This moment could not be any more perfect.
[BOTH SIGH.]
- Onion? - Ah, no, thank you.
I would rather not have the stinky breath right now.
Oh, really? How come? Eh, no particular reason.
Just in general.
Why? What are you suggesting? Hygiene is so important to me, because - [RUMBLING.]
- [BOTH SCREAM.]
- Oof! - An earthquake? Here? So, these earthquakes are not just in San Lorenzo.
They are everywhere! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! This is way worse than we thought! We've got to warn the others.
[GROANS.]
Eh! I am calling it a date.
[FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING.]