The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

Happy house-warming.
Oh, this is from Anders.
He asked your friend Dawn to buy it.
Dawn bought this.
Tacky piece of shit.
Married life has changed Ty.
I am your mother, Mikkel.
Why tell us now? Since I returned, I've built a financial empire that will let us live like gods until we're old and ready to shed these human skins.
If you need any help with the search, give me a call.
I'm not your enemy, Axl.
Come back here, you slippery little prick! Who the hell is Kvasir? Wisest of all the gods.
No way.
So, how do I find Frigg? To become a god, you must first become a man.
When a man is a man, the man will become a god, and then the goddess will reveal herself.
Oh, yeah, no, thanks.
I'm not on a date.
I'm waiting for a guy.
Not a 'guy' guy - my brother.
Sorry.
Shit.
Hello, Axl.
Oh, Ty not here yet? No.
I'm sure he'll be here soon.
Where are you going? Just out, OK? It's no big deal.
If you're not going to tell me, then, yeah, it is a big deal.
I'm having dinner with Agnetha, OK? Why are you having dinner with her? It's a family thing.
How is she a family thing? Because Agnetha is my mother.
No way.
Having that cow for a mother, that is so surreal.
So the woman who walked out on you, abandoned you when you were 14 has decided to walk back into your life? So it seems.
Why? Maybe she has her reasons.
Maybe she wants to explain them tonight.
Or maybe she wants to use you for her evil ends.
Total bitch.
Sorry, but telling it like it is.
OK, go to her, then.
Or you could stay here with me.
Oops.
I guess now you'll have to take me with you.
Or take me here.
I'm just gonna go.
What's wrong with me having dinner with my sons? Uh, you tried to have me killed, for starters, Mother.
Oh, forget about that.
It's all in the past, from a different world view.
It's easy for you to say.
This is precisely why I wanted to see you - to help re-evaluate our relationship and get to know my precious youngest boy.
It's me, Axl.
I assure you.
Same spirit, different set of bones, just trying to mend a few bridges.
Shall we order? I'm ravenous.
Drink.
Knight takes queen.
Drink.
Zeb, cheating's not gonna help.
Don't care.
Drink.
OK.
Checkmate.
Drink everything.
Man, how do you do that? What part of God of Games do you not get, Zeb? Hey.
How was your brotherly dinner? The one to which I was not invited.
Um OK, I guess.
I am so munted, I can't drink anything else.
I think I just experienced anal leakage.
So, Ty help you with your riddle? I guess Ty didn't want you to be there, because as it turned out, it was a dinner with our beloved mother.
I thought we agreed to forget about her.
We did.
Clearly, Ty didn't.
I didn't know she was gonna be there.
Ty and her, that figures.
Thing is he didn't actually show.
So why didn't you walk out? It was free food.
Then what did you two talk about? I asked Mike to put it to you and Ty, but obviously he chose not to.
Stop searching, live like gods on your money.
Exactly.
This search for Frigg, this one-in-a-billion exercise in futility.
You do remember the bit where if I don't succeed, you and lots of others die, right? We'll cross that bridge if we come to it.
I don't want you to waste whatever life you have, that's all.
What about the idea that she should really come to me? Hmm.
I can see that.
She should come unto Odin.
Very godly.
Hey, she seemed sincere.
Oh, I'm sure she did.
Well, maybe she wants to help, Mike.
Actually help, unlike some.
Ooh, let Odin preside.
If you can't be positive, you're not welcome at God Academy.
Did you go to God Academy, Grandpa? Can't say that I did, Mike.
I guess it came naturally to me.
Zeb is a joke.
Why are you even listening? Because he's trying, Mike, offering something.
And maybe Mum is too.
- So she says.
- So, what's wrong with that? Because often what people say and what they mean are sometimes no, wait inevitably completely different things.
Does that include you, Mike? You've been saying a lot and doing sweet FA.
I found Kvasir.
And then what? I got a stupid riddle about being Odin to become Odin, and it sounds simple, but, actually, I don't know what it means.
Well, riddles are Olaf's territory.
Then I'm screwed.
I'm looking for a sign, Mike, that someone knows what the hell is going on with my life.
Were you capable of understanding anything at your party? You know, sometimes it sucks having the God of Hunting for a brother.
I thought we weren't communicating with the woman formerly known as our mother.
I didn't.
She called me.
I think agreeing to go to dinner counts as communication, Ty.
When I heard her speak, it's it's like it was the same as when I was a kid.
A completely different voice, but it sounds like Mum.
Even when she's speaking shit? She wanted to explain where she's at, so I thought why not? But you didn't show.
Long story.
So you left her alone with Axl.
How smart was that? I meant to go.
I couldn't get there.
Just get with the program, Ty.
We have got to have each other's backs.
We don't know what she wants, but I know it'll end in tears.
Anything that she says to you, you tell all of us.
Axl Johnson, you're alive.
Yeah.
I know, um, but I'm back and I'm keen.
'Legal issues and liabilities in the building trade.
' And so excited! Thanks, everyone.
To talk you through the material today is our guest insurance-law specialist, Mr Colin Gundersen.
So, this is what hope looks like? Aspiring young builders with an eye to the big prize.
Building monuments and making money.
- Cherish that dream.
- Breathe it in.
Stand up.
Stand up! Come on! Stand up and feel the breath of hopes and dreams.
Hold it.
Now breathe it out your arse.
That's right, folks.
Today we're about to discuss your inevitable fate as the future builders of NZ.
So buckle yourselves in.
Hello, Stacey.
You sent me to kill your own son.
That is beyond wrong.
As much as I'd love to shoot the breeze with a handmaiden, I'm actually here to see Ty.
Why? Is he next on your hit list? Stacey, you well know that phase is over.
He's not here.
He's working.
I see.
He agreed to meet me last night but didn't.
I thought maybe he'd come down with something.
Ty is fine.
And in a way he has.
He's incredibly happy, actually.
I don't think Ty does happy.
Oh, he does.
In fact, last night he was so happy he couldn't see the point in going out to listen to you pontificate about the meaning of family, not when he has his own one now.
Of course.
My, you've certainly spared no expense in making this a home fit for a God! Spoken like a true mother-in-law.
Disappointing, but not unexpected.
Ty likes it here.
I'm sure he's just being polite.
What would you know? He's my son.
And I'm his wife.
Ty deserves so much better.
You don't know shit.
I know Ty.
No, because you walked out on him.
And now you think you can walk back in? Bullshit.
Because what he gets from me is something you can never give.
Unconditional love to the end.
One would think with a handmaiden, the dishes would at least get done.
But then you never were one for the complicated jobs.
See? Total bitch.
Here you go.
Johnson Refrigeration Services.
You didn't show last night.
I was disappointed.
I got held up.
Shall we do lunch? Actually, I don't think it's such a good idea.
Why is that? It just isn't.
Oh, because you have a new family now? That has a lot to do with it.
Well, obviously, I need to respect that.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way I'm working with a friend of yours Dawn.
Why are you working with Dawn? I'm looking after Anders' affairs while he's away.
Oh, right.
She seems very fragile, like a china doll, only bigger-boned.
A little weepy over the silliest things.
I think it may have something to do with you.
She still cares about you, Ty, tremendously.
And I sense you still care about her.
I can't go back there.
Well, that's very sad for Dawn, isn't it? At this point, OSH will shut you down, but ACC will still expect their crippling premiums, the council will change the building codes to cover their arse, insurers will sue you in civil court, the banks will foreclose and evict you from your homes, over which you placed security to keep your firms afloat, meanwhile your children will end up in the care of CYFS.
Any questions? Good.
So to summarise, being a self-employed builder equates to nothing more than being a sphincter through which all the shit in the world will inevitably pass.
Meanwhile, all the goes to the Thank you, Colin for your interesting perspective.
You, sir, are most welcome.
Colin.
Wait up.
Axl Johnson, fancy seeing you here.
Yeah, right! I was in that class you just napalmed.
Right, so you were.
Did I seem rude? Just telling it like it is.
What's going on? It's the nature of the building trade.
Sorry.
No, you coming here today.
It was a sign, wasn't it? A sign? Why else would Colin Gundersen come here to my class? My firm handles all the insurance issues here.
Mainly sexual harassment and arson attacks.
So many unexplained fires.
It's good for business, so I like to give something back.
That is all.
You know what I mean.
Loki.
Alright.
My Lord Odin, you got me.
I offered you my help and you scorned me, yet here I am helping you, so please note my sincerity.
It wasn't a sign.
It was a message, and I hope I was clear.
To not to be a builder? To stop pissing around with a measly trade in this mortal realm when you can be the best god you could be and help us ascend.
Right.
That's what you want, isn't it? To be the big kahuna of all the kahunas? - Well, it's easy to say.
- It's easy to do! How? Well, for starters, if you want to be that god, you could think about becoming a man.
That's what Kvasir said.
Kvasir? You met that disgusting old freak? He said the same thing.
To be a god, I must first become a man.
Well, there you are.
Perhaps we are on to something.
Man up to god up.
Take that as a sign.
Hup! So, Loki knows Kvasir? That's right.
And if Kvasir knows everything and Colin knows Kvasir, then Colin must know something.
But he's Loki, man.
I know, but ultimately I am Lord of the Aesir and I think Colin is coming round to accepting that.
He knows whose side he wants to be on when Odin stands tall.
Hup! Argh! Zeb! Sorry.
This isn't working.
But it is.
Last night when Mike was playing me at chess blindfolded, I realised exactly what it was he was doing.
Kicking your arse? Hup! By removing the ease of sight, he could focus on his inner power.
Hup! Focus, man.
Sure if I was God of Hitting Mandarins with a Sword, I would, but I'm not.
I feel like a dick.
Don't knock it, man.
It worked for Luke Skywalker.
Focus.
Tap into your inner god.
Stuff you.
Awesome! Odin has stirred! It was a fluke, Zeb.
A stupid fluke.
Hey, hey.
It's the God Academy.
Do you guys have any other swords? It'd be heaps better if we had more swords to practise with.
It's not a toy, Zeb.
I know.
It's a weapon.
But it's lame if an entire family of gods only have one sword between them.
It's a family sword.
Give it here.
No, it's my sword.
Give it here.
It's my sword.
You gave it to me.
Is this you becoming a man? You sound like a child.
Put it away before you hurt yourself.
Don't talk to me like that.
I'm attempting to find my destiny.
Unlike some.
Do you want me to lock you in the cupboard again? I told you we will work this out.
But until we know what Kvasir is about, there is no point in running around in circles.
So what are we doing instead? Olaf's working on it.
I'm still processing.
Yeah, I can see that.
This is thinking juice.
The riddle's short, but it has big implications.
You know what? Don't bother.
I can figure it out myself.
Colin, thanks for coming.
Interesting choice of bar.
It's where we found Kvasir.
Is that a fact? Can you believe the wisest man on the planet is also possibly the smelliest? That thing you said and Kvasir said about being Odin by becoming Odin well, he said it and then you said the exact same thing.
That can't be a coincidence.
You guys know something.
Are you asking for my help, Axl? I guess.
And of course I am always only too happy to help and serve the Lord of the Aesir in any way that I can.
Great.
But I can't tell you.
Right.
I can only show you.
OK.
But I will only show you everything I know if you promise to lighten up.
You take yourself so seriously.
You need to loosen up, my friend.
I can do that.
Good sir, your finest mead! Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Dawn.
I'm not late, am I? Not at all.
Dawn, come through, please? I was late, wasn't I? I'm sorry.
It's just Anders is never here this early.
Dawn, you were punctual, as I'm sure you are every day.
Now, JPR has been asked to pitch for this new boutique winery.
The demographic is female, 20 to 30, which is you.
I want you to take these home, take off your shoes, pour a glass of each and write down your visceral responses.
From there we'll come up with a slogan.
Uh, you want me to do this? Yes.
Is there a problem? It's just well, it's alcohol and involves women, so normally Anders would do it.
Go home, put your feet up, pour yourself a glass or two or three of each and let your creative responses flow.
But does it matter that it's 8.
30 in the morning? It's work.
Go.
OK.
Um, thank you.
This is really cool.
Hello.
Um did we? I have to go.
Well, Hello Dolly.
Cock.
Hello Dolly? It was my mum's favourite musical.
That doesn't make it right.
Dude, who was your friend? Um I'm not entirely sure.
Anonymous sex.
Awesome.
And she was seriously hot.
But not the Frigg, then? I guess not.
Where did you meet this friend? I went out, obviously got seriously munted.
No big deal.
If you say so.
Whatever, man.
Lighten up.
Don't take everything so seriously.
Yeah, Axl was da man.
Sure.
Breakfast of the gods.
Pass.
Dude, you've gotta replenish the sperm count after all the mega-shagging you did with the nameless hot girl.
I don't even really remember it.
Relentless awesome sex that was so frequent, it's all blurred into one.
It's not that I don't want to remember it.
I really do.
Focus, man.
Use your Odin mind powers.
Cheers! Hi.
I'm Axl.
Brianna.
Brianna.
Her name was Brianna.
Brianna, a name that screams 'bone me'.
Maybe I was da man.
It was all the sword work you put in.
What did I tell you? You are on your way to becoming a Frigg magnet.
Why would I become a fridge magnet? Frigg magnet.
Oh, right.
Johnson Refrigeration Services.
I just ordered room service.
Anders? Trikkelfett.
It's a delicacy here in Oslo.
You know what it's made of? How should I know? Pig lard, goose fat and crispy duck skin wrapped in smear-ripened reindeer cheese, then stuffed up a chimney and smoked for seven Nordic winters.
I'm busy, Anders.
What's your point? My point? My point, brother Ty, is what the fuck have you done to Dawn? Dawn? Nothing.
Why? Are you sure you didn't go back, screw her, then screw her up again? No.
And I wouldn't do that, so fuck you.
Well, I can't get hold of her.
She's not at the office.
It seems she's locked herself in my apartment and is drinking like a teenage emo.
Are you sure about this? Apparently, my most valued worker is drunk, depressed and potentially suicidal.
I blame you.
Why? You make people depressed.
It's your gift.
Don't dump this shit on me.
I haven't seen her, not for ages.
Ty, I can't afford to lose Dawn to the angsty sufferings of a broken heart.
Well, what am I meant to do about it? And maybe if you paid her more professional courtesy and weren't playing Mr International Jetsetter and What are you doing over there, anyway? You mean apart from surviving in the coldest God-forsaken country on Earth while dining on pig lard? All in the fullness of time, Ty.
Please do something about Dawn before she tops herself.
Oh, this has got to be a wind-up.
Hello? Axl Johnson.
Colin Gundersen.
Oh, hey, Colin.
Feeling pretty good about yourself? A bit seedy, actually.
Feeling a bit Odinesque, are we? I guess.
Sure.
Why not? So, what exactly happened? You were there.
At the bar? Yes, I was.
You certainly tied a big one on.
You were in a generous mood Another round for friend and foe! Especially with that rather attractive girl, Brianna.
You two were getting on famously.
Whoa! Don't mind me.
Hmm, don't mind if I do.
I seriously don't remember any of that.
Not even the bill? What the fuck is the point in a credit card if it doesn't give you credit? Three grand!? You were off your chops.
Just like the old days, eh.
Loki and Odin out on the tiles.
I get it now - showing me.
She's really pretty, eh? Of course, that was all fun and games.
Good, clean, rock'n'roll youthful exuberance.
I honestly don't The real issue is what went on afterwards.
When? With you and Brianna.
At your house.
How do you mean? The slap and tickle.
The toad in the hole.
Mr Horn Dog meets Mrs Pussy.
The sex, mate.
There's talk of it not being entirely consensual.
- What? Dare I say it, the term rape has been mentioned.
- Rape?! I honestly don't remember that.
No way did I do that.
I can't even remember having sex.
I don't think amnesia's a valid defence against rape, old chap.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's right, Axl.
No means no.
But obviously in your case I do hope you've got a good lawyer.
Wait.
Colin, you're a lawyer.
And I would dearly love to help.
The awkward thing is, as you know, Brianna works in my office.
What? You do remember she works in my firm? I don't remember anything! You were there, Axl.
Doling out free drinks and waxing lyrical about the merits of pussy, so I called her at the office, told her and her colleagues to come, and they did.
Jesus.
The next thing I know, she's in tears in the office this morning.
So me helping you? Conflict of interest, I'm afraid.
Sorry, old boy.
Chin up and all that.
Axl, Axl, Axl.
What possessed you to go drinking with Colin? He said he'd show me how to be Odin.
And you believed him? Axl, Axl, Axl.
Would you stop saying that?! I'm saying that because otherwise I'd be speechless at your stupidity.
I prefer speechless.
You went drinking with Loki, Axl.
The god of tricky fuckers.
I know.
Axl, Axl, Axl.
You've made your point, OK? No one else was being helpful.
No one else was getting off their arses.
You don't know what it's like.
People tell you to be everything, but do nothing.
Or they do something, but nothing specific.
'You're Odin, Axl.
Oh, but don't die, Axl, or we'll all die too.
' I just want you to know it's quite shit being me sometimes.
Mike, please.
I've messed up.
I've so messed up.
You want to try and make sense of Kvasir? Then you stop acting like a teenager and man up.
Do not listen to people like Colin and our screwed-up mother or Zeb and his freaky shit or Anders and his power of being an arsehole.
And you know what? If it helps, don't even listen to me.
Just be yourself, Axl, or you are gonna get so chewed up in this big, bad world of gods and mortals.
But how does that help me become Odin? Because by just being yourself, Axl, if you're lucky, Odin will follow.
But what do I do about the you know? Nothing.
We'll sort that.
I swear I didn't do it, Mike.
I believe you.
Let's go.
OK, that was quite heavy, but also quite cool.
Being accused of rape is not cool, Zeb.
No, the thing about being Axl.
Being Axl doesn't feel very cool right now, I promise you.
But what if Mike is right? To become a man, you have to first become Axl, because Axl is a man.
And he is the man you are most likely to become, because you are him.
If I say yes, will that make you think I understand? You become Axl to become a man to become a man-god to become Odin, then the Frigg walks in the door.
So to be Axl, you have to be yourself.
To be yourself, what would you do right now? Get obliterated and make it all go away? Then that is what we must do.
Hello? Oh, shit! Dawn! Dawn! Ty? Dawn, you're OK? Yes, of course I'm OK.
Did you take any pills? No.
What are you doing here? Checking you're OK.
I'm fine.
I must have fallen asleep.
Really? Yes, really.
What is your problem? It's, well you've been drinking during the day.
Oh, so you see a glass of wine and go, 'Dawn's an alcoholic? It's three bottles, actually.
So? So, shouldn't you be at work? This is work.
Right.
What are you even doing here? I thought you might be a bit down, you know, mentally about how things worked out.
Right, so because of you, I've turned into this alcoholic? No.
I'm not depressed, Ty.
Although if I was, it would be kind of understandable, don't you think? One minute we're planning a tropical holiday and happy, happy sunsets, and the next you're marrying some woman you've only just met, so I can see how that might turn some people into alcoholics, but not me.
So, did you get my house-warming gift? The one ostensibly from Anders.
The hula doll.
Yes.
So you did get it? It was beautiful.
It really was.
Good.
Well, think of me when you gaze upon her from time to time, and let's just leave it at that, OK? So there's nothing I can do? No.
You're married now and have your life, and I have my life, which isn't all that bad, and I have to get on with it, and I will, and that is how things have worked out.
And you should go now.
Gentlemen.
Shall we take this to my office? - I thought you wanted to meet here.
- My office is here.
This is your bar? Did I not mention that? A loser client couldn't pay his bill, so I gave him a payment option.
And he gave you his bar? Come.
My brother went out drinking with you last night and woke up with a woman crying rape.
Brianna, please.
Let's not make her a faceless piece of meat, even if your brother did.
I don't care how drunk he was, that's not my brother.
Axl would never do that.
Brianna's affidavit says otherwise.
Brianna, who works for you and who has yet to go to the police.
Perhaps we should take it to the police.
Let justice prevail.
Well done, Mikkel.
The truth is Brianna's an ambitious office girl keen on helping out her beloved boss and potential future husband.
Ha! As if, eh? But why? Why go to all that trouble? You want to get Axl out of the picture? Christ, the goddesses tried to put him away with a far more creative and plausible plan.
If I wanted to put your brother away, I would have.
He laughed in my face.
In my face.
But I rose above that.
And then he came to me for help, which I gave to him in the form of a warning: stop dreaming, stop poncing about trying to be Odin.
He is Odin.
No, he's an amateur.
You Johnsons, you're all amateurs.
Hicks from the sticks.
You should fuck off back there and leave the business of being gods to those who deserve to be gods! Do you want to smack me now, Mike? That how you sort things out in the provinces? No, he doesn't want to smack you.
I wouldn't mind, actually.
No, we're done here.
Actually, we're not.
The bar tab Axl racked up while trying to find his Odin within three grand.
Who's taking care of that? Why don't you use it to wipe your arse, Loki? I'll toss you for it.
Ooh, a game? There's a thought, but against a god who allegedly can't lose? Ah, but I'm a hick who's never gone up against a superior god.
Alright, but only if we make it more interesting.
How so? Axl's bar tab miraculously just blew out to 30 grand so I can buy Brianna something nice, ease her pain.
And if I win, I take this bar.
Yeah, I've always fancied having my own bar.
Now, this excites me.
I think I'm getting a semi-on.
Is that wrong? Alright, let's do it.
Let's.
No.
This has to involve something that we are both good at.
Oh.
Forget tossing coins.
That's for pussies.
Let's play a proper game, one more befitting of Ullr's powers.
Keys to the bar.
If you can pick them up, they're yours.
Sure.
Uh.
Now we're good to go.
Just walk away, Michael.
Yes, Mikkel, walk away.
Oh, leave your cheque for 30 grand on the bar on the way out.
Give us a leg up.
What? You boosted us over the wall into the garden bar in Norsewood.
You were 15.
So? You're not 15.
I haven't put on that much weight.
Come on.
One, two, three.
Well done.
Like one of those magpies you have down in Hawke's Bay, you swooped on those shiny things.
The bar's yours.
Pity you didn't think it all the way through.
Whoa, wait.
Technically, he's won the bet.
So? I do fire.
You want to put the fire out, find the God of Fire Trucks.
I just won a bar, hey.
Good, Mike, but you're on fire.
Hey? Shit! Oh, shit! Whoa! Congratulations, Mikkel.
The paperwork will be couriered over tomorrow.
Good luck, mate.
That was fun.
Thank you.
You think it's wise taking this off Loki? I'm prepared to help you work through it.
You're late.
Busy day.
Why is that here? My surprise for us.
I don't think I need any surprises.
- I promise you do.
- It's been a shit day.
That's because you weren't here with me.
You were out in the big bullshit world getting distracted with the bullshit of life, not here inside me, inside my soul.
I want you inside my skin, Ty.
I designed it myself.
It symbolises the unbreakable bond we have, the vow we took to be together until death parts us.
But you don't have to do this, Ty.
You can walk away if you want.
Do you want to walk away from me, Ty? Take off your shirt.
Now me.
Oh, yes! Yes.
Mike? You're a free man.
Tell me you're not kidding.
Have I ever struck you as the kidding-around type? No.
No, definitely no.
I love you, man.
I love you like a brother.
So you should.
You know how we discussed my shortage of personal space in which to crash? Yeah.
Yeah, talk to Axl.
There should be a room going there.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh man, I'm so unbelievably relieved! I guessed.
Here's to not going to jail, with all the paedophiles and big, hairy gang members who like a bit of rough, so I've heard.
Oh! Ssh.
What? Jacob.
Hello, Axl.
Good to see you.
Really? What do you want? Is, um, Gaia here? No.
Are you sure? Why would she be here? She moved out to Waiheke to live with you.
Yeah.
We lost an awesome flatmate 'cause of you.
I just thought maybe she was picking up the last of her things.
When people move out, they take their stuff.
It's called moving out.
None of her stuff's here.
I just need to check.
Whoa, jeweller boy.
Technically Hey! You can't just barge in here and push my flatmate over! Gaia! Gaia! Where is she?! Tell me! Let's get a couple of things really clear.
Gaia isn't here.
If she was, I would have seen her.
That's the first thing.
The second thing is you need to piss off to Waiheke and never come sneaking around here again.
Understood? Understood!? Understood! Now piss off.
OK, that was seriously impressive, my Lord.
I told you don't call me that.
You smited his arse, man.
Very Odin-like.
This 'being you' thing is working.
More shots? Hell, yeah.
Has he gone? Jacob? Yeah.
Yeah.
Any chance I can move back in?