The Armstrong And Miller Show (2007) s03e03 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 3
Put the knife down.
It's OK.
If you put it down, we can talk about anything.
Pleaseplease, just put the knife down.
Wewe can talk about all this.
Well, as I said, your CV is excellent, but we do have a few other people to see.
Thanks for the opportunity.
What do you think? HOARSELY: Yeah, I liked him.
It's like we're totally in sync with each other.
Sometimes he doesn't have to say anything.
I just know what he means with a look.
And we're constantly finishingeachother's sentences.
Sentences.
What d'you think? Yeah, looks good.
Can I help you? We're just looking, thank you.
We are going to be buying something.
We're celebrating.
We just got engaged.
Oh, most people get a ring.
He's got me one of those.
And now you thought you'd bring her in here.
We thought we'd be a little bit adventurous.
Yvonne's husband thought that once, didn't he? Oh, he did, yes.
Very adventurous.
It was like the bloody Kon-Tiki expedition.
Come on, then.
Sorry, where are we going? For an adventure.
Ta-ta, Kansas.
Oh, I wasn't really looking for myself.
If she's trussed up like a Christmas turkey, least you can do is put on a party hat.
Personally, I don't like the sight of men in their underpants.
It's the bulge.
For some reason, it puts me in mind of a pigeon.
Especially if their pants have gone grey.
Are you decent? You could do a lot worse than this.
Whoa! I'm not sure.
No, no, women love a man who can make them laugh.
Just think of Charlie Chaplin, a whole string of beautiful wives.
Or Jim Davidson.
So exciting when you're starting out, in't it, Yvonne? All them hopes and dreams.
Hmm.
It'll sag a bit after a few washes but, um it'll be at the back of the drawer by then.
Try the Forever Mine outfit in there.
Here, give this a whirl.
I'm not really sure about this.
Oh, nonsense! After a while, you'll find the little pleasures keep your marriage going.
You know, I used to like it when my husband dressed up as a traffic warden 'cause it meant he was leaving for work.
Come on, then, let's be having you.
Ooh! Well, I can see you two together for an eternity.
More of a wren than a pigeon.
That's it! Yes, get behind him, Phelps! Watch their man on the wing! You have a very promising young fly-half there, Bill.
I was wondering whose Jag that was in the car park.
MI6 still buying British, I see.
If it is still British, Bill.
Hard to tell who's behind what these days.
Is it the Germans, the Malaysians, the Russians? What do you want, Danbury? I've got a job for you, Bill.
I already have a job.
I'm not for hire.
SHOUTS: Don't just stand there, Jarvis! Mark him.
Everything else in the world might have changed, but not you, Bill.
Not you.
I know you, Bill.
You'll have every resource, the best people, your pick.
I'll see to that.
If I do it, then they're coming with me.
Who? The team.
They've got to be in it too.
They're a prep school under-12s rugby team, Bill.
This isn't for negotiation.
I made a commitment to these boys, Danbury, and this might seem odd to you, but I'm going to honour that commitment.
This isn't a box of firecrackers, Sergei.
It's weapons grade plutonium.
Now, how much? Check it, Phelps.
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Well, I'd better be off.
Oh, are you leaving? I haven't even shown you the buddleia yet.
Sorry, Dad, I'd better go.
Thanks, Mum.
Lovely to see you.
Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome, son.
It was a lovely lunch.
Well, the parsnips, anyway.
You can't even eat chicken? Well, in vegetarianism, the chicken is sort of considered to be an animal, what with it, um Well, it's an animal, isn't it? Look, I'm going to head to the station, so Jeff Oh, yes.
Chris Your mother and I have talked, and we'd like you to have this to get your car fixed.
Oh, God, Dad, I can't take that.
It's too much.
Oh, don't be silly.
Just take it.
Mum's operation! You need this more than I need my car.
Oh, no! It's fine, Chris, really.
Your mum says she likes the cataracts.
She says it gives everything a lovely milky quality.
It's like living inside a dream or a memory, isn't it? Absolutely! And the rubbish they have on TV these days, it's like having my own mini-filters inside my eyes.
I can hardly make out Trevor Eve's face any more.
So you see, you'd be helping us out by taking the money off our hands.
Just pop it in your pocket.
You're being ridiculous.
Look, I'm not taking it.
Oh, please, Chris.
No, Barbara, Chris has made up his mind.
He's a man after all, not a boy.
Thanks, Dad.
You remember that summer we played for Otley St Mary? I was at number six, you were at number eight.
Great days.
Agh! Quick, Barbara.
Put it in his pocket.
What d'you do that for? Quick, give it here.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Call it your Christmas cheque or Christmas and birthday cheque rolled in to one.
Had birthday.
Sat nav.
That was just something to open.
It wasn't your main present.
It's only 'cause we love you.
Call it a gift, not a loan.
Don't want loan! Yours anyway when we dead.
Agh! No! Barbara! Book! Not Wodehouse.
Wilbur Smith.
Hardback.
Too late, too late.
It's yours.
Cable-tie his legs together, Barbara.
I'm going to give him a lift home.
Excuse me.
Watch out! SCREECH OF BRAKES I just didn't see him.
He's unconscious.
We need an ambulance.
Yeah, ambulance.
We're in North Park.
Churchgate Street entrance.
Shit! He's unconscious.
Er, yep, yep.
OK, OK, right.
Is he coming round? Stay with us.
There's an ambulance on its way.
Is there? Is he trying to say something? What is it? Is there any chance of a threesome? Or an ambulance.
One's on its way? Good.
We'll wait for it.
We'll wait for it.
Come, Horschstadt.
Sleep not.
Do not surrender to the pain.
Oh, but Pharius, I grow weak.
I have been impaled.
The cold thrust of steel has pierced my skin.
No, your ordeal will soon be over and you will rise again.
The greatest of all seducers.
There you go, mate.
A glass of water.
Don't worry about it.
It happens a lot the first time.
For emptying the contents of my stomach on your Ottoman rug, sir, I offer my sincerest apologies.
Mm.
Can I crack on, or what? Oh, yes, yes, proceed with the design as discussed.
Right.
And you're absolutely sure you still want the name "Chanella" with bright flames burning in all directions? Ah, yes, of that I am quite, quite sure.
Right.
Fiancee, is she? Oh, no, but she is destined to be mine.
She is an "hair technician" at Toni and Guy.
So impressed was she with the elegance and noble curve of Horschstadt's aquiline brow that she did wantonly caress his skull and then made intimate enquiries as to his plans for this summer's vacance.
There can be no question.
She was bewitched.
Yeah, I maybe wouldn't get her name tattooed just yet.
Maybe in henna.
We've got a lot of other nice designs in this book, as it goes.
Ah, yes.
The swallow is quite becoming.
Agh! The Celtic runic design also somewhat fetching.
Agh! I'm not sure the snake is for me, but Agh! Take it away.
Here we go.
Oh, babe, look.
It's Last of the Summer Wine.
Yes, very good, thank you, yes.
Getting ink done, you two? I'm getting a cool tattoo.
"Chanella" with flames burning from it in all directions.
Hairdresser Chanella? Haven't you heard? Heard? She really was tasty.
In the name of Hartuus, could you not leave but one stone unturned for a brother of the sangre? Been a while, has it, mate? Right, that's it.
Oi-oi! You gettin' a taste for the fellas, eh, lads? Up yours.
Do you have any chewing gum, young apprentice? He's been at the scampi Nik Naks.
GEORDIE ACCENTS: We're after the Pindle Oak Mushroom, the holy grail of edible fungi.
It's got a colour like burnt ochre and a taste like filet mignon steak.
Oh, dude! Look, there it is.
Oh, isn't she a beaut? Imagine that dressed with a lug of olive oil and a dash of lemon juice.
Oh, just imagine it.
We've got the old camping stove here so we can cook it now.
Only trouble is, it's a bit too high.
Fall from there, you do yourself a serious injury.
We'd be crazy to risk it.
So we're gonna get us a "two for a tenner" meal deal.
Just stick it in the oven.
All the hard work's done.
They even throw in wine.
How do they make a profit? Not our problem.
Wa-hay! If we can have those back in three weeks' time.
Thank you very much.
Hello! Can I have Emma, please? Emma the book or Emma the DVD? Er, no.
Emma the prostitute.
Oh, yes, I forgot we do prostitutes now.
Yes, she should be in.
Ah! Yeah! There she is.
Thank you very much.
If we could have her back in three weeks, please.
Been a long time, Uri.
I said to come alone.
Don't worry about them.
They're with me.
It's just a school under-12 rugby team.
Have you got the export licences? Have you got the money? (What is it, boy?) (Well, go behind a tree or something.
) The money's in the case.
Nice doing business with you.
If you call betraying your country good business.
Come on.
Come on! Hurry up, Jarvis.
ENGINE STARTS BUS BEEPS I think one of the reasons why we're such a great couple is we are like total opposites of each other, chalk and cheese.
I say tomayto, she says tomato, just on so many levels, and that makes our relationship just sparky and edgy and zingy, you know? I mean, we are literally the complete opposite of each other.
For example, I'm not a dick.
PHONE RINGS SHOUTS: Hello? No! You tell him if he hasn't got it sorted soon I'm going to come over there and wipe the bloody floor with him.
What's up, Ken? Geoff spilt something on the floor of the warehouse.
Going to help him mop it up.
How's the world of beds, Phil? Oh, it's over, Ken.
I quit.
I just ain't got it in me any more.
You don't need a prostate to run a bed shop.
Everything's gone up the jumper.
I accept defeat.
I'm hangin' up me valance.
You're having a Shami Chakrabarti! What, Phil Mason retire? I'm too long in the tooth for this weasel.
I'm at the end of me Mills McCartney.
I got a load of Sleepy Down microfibre memory mattresses sitting on a dockside in Unami and no way of getting them here.
So-o-othe me with some carpet talk, Ken.
I need to calm down.
The bloody Japanese! Yeah.
I'll never forgive 'em for what they did to my dad.
It was torture, Phil.
No other word.
That bloody futon.
Took years off his life.
Why did he have to buy it? They are space-saving, Phil.
You can't deny that.
So is a sofa bed! So is a sofa bed! They knew we had our own way of dealing with guests but they couldn't stop themselves.
You have to admit, and I know I'm treading on eggs, but as a nation, they do look well rested, the Japanese.
Granted.
But retire? People like us don't retire.
We keep on working every day God sends.
Till one day we're reaching up to get a box of new phones off of a high shelf, insisting that we don't need no help, when we suddenly keel over from a massive coronary.
PHONE RINGS Yep? No! Besides, what else will you do? Your life is beds.
Go travellin'.
Take Cheryl Three away.
You can't explore the world with an agoraphobic wife.
Where're you going to go? Couple of relaxing weeks in the kitchen? A two-centre holiday in the box room? Believe you me I-you-they-them, it ain't gonna work.
Then I'll stay at home.
Spend time with the what's-their-names, the Theer The kids.
Me kids! PHONE RINGS Hello? No! When I feel up against it at work there's something I turn to that always gives me great strength.
The good book.
Not this again.
Ah, "classic cobalt"! Many's the time that's helped me out when I've been down.
It is pretty, Ken.
I'll give you that.
Well, maybe you'd find some solace in "executive pars ley".
No! No, no, no.
My problems aren't to be solved in those pages.
I'm going to get on the blower to Japan and come down like a clown of bricks.
That's the fillet.
That's the man I know and love.
I'm going to need a new box of phones off of the high shelf.
You want a hand with that? No, no, no.
I'll be fine.
All right, then.
See ya! Ooh! Jesus H from Steps.
Hello.
I'd like to return Emma, please.
I'm a couple of days late.
Two days late.
Er Then youyou would have to go and speak toto Yerko.
You have 65 pence fine.
Thanks very much.
FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC English? Yes.
Roast beef? Manchester United? The Beatles? David Beckham? Cauliflower cheese, Habitat, Fiona Bruce.
Anything over 240 by 165 by 5 millimetres counts as a large letter.
Yes.
Such memories! Forgive me.
Though I am of Reading and I am living here in the France since the six months, I cannot forget her.
Right, well, I'd better be on my way.
No, but please, I have envy to practise my English tongue.
What is this thing that it is that is this thing that you are looking for? Well, I was going to check out the cathedral.
You know Sacre Coeur? Sorry? Sacre Coeur.
Please? Sacre Coeur.
Say it again? Sacre Coeur.
It's here.
Ah! Sacre Coeur, yeah.
Er How to say in English? Er Turn right, straight right, right again, straight right, straight right, right again, straight right, then just look for the massive cathedral.
Thanks.
Can you lend me 20 euros? Today we stand united, under the call of God.
ALL SHOU Today we fight a thousand men, perhaps more.
Today, our divine Father calls unto us to rise up against an unholy foe.
ALL SHOU Do you waver? ALL SHOUT: No! Do you pause? No! Never! Forget not the destruction of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre.
ALL SHOU Shame! Forget not the barbarism of their conquering of the holy city of Jerusalem.
Shame on their heads! Shame! We cannot withstand further abuses.
No! This ends today! ALL SHOU My lord, my lord, the enemy is using fires to disguise their numbers.
There's actually 3,000 men, not 1,000.
Oh.
OK, no.
All right, we're not doing it.
Yeah, we're not doing it.
It's off.
But the capture of Jerusalem! Yeah! The destruction of the holy church! MEN SHOU MEN SHOU Shh! They'll fucking hear you! Look, men.
Today, when I said this happens today, that was before I knew there was, like, loads and loads of them.
Yeah? So it doesn't end today.
It ends some other day.
When there aren't bloomin' millions of them, there's just a few of them.
OK? On that day, we shall fight! SILENCE On that day, will you be with me? ALL MURMUR Good! That's good enough for me.
Good.
Well done.
MOANING Oh! That just gets better and better.
Oh! Mmm! Hey, I'd better go.
Oh, no, don't.
Stay here.
Oh, OK! Darling, I've left my phone here.
OK, this is a difficult situation.
Take it easy, Dan.
Jo? I think we should just try and deal with this like adults.
What?! I think we should just take a moment Take a moment?! Yes.
Shut up! No more talking from you.
Jo! How could you do this? Dan, it'sit's Right, you get up.
No, Dan, no! Get up.
Just shut up! Dan! Ow! Ow! For God's sake.
Look, Dan What are you doing? Dan? I'm going to kill you.
.
.
Oh, shit! What is it? I forgot to take the bins out.
Oh, bollocks! You could be forgiven for thinking that after all the tributes, biographies, documentaries, even conspiracy theories about Diana, Princess of Wales, not another word could be written about her.
You'd be wrong, because our very own Royal Correspondent, Terry Devlin, has added his version of events to the canon.
You were very close to the princess, weren't you? NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, very, very, close indeed.
In fact, it would be fair to say that Diana then Princess of Wales, formerly Lady Diana Spencer, latterly Her Royal Highness the Queen of Hearts looked upon me with those bewitching eyes very much as her most trusted member of the fourth estate.
Sheep-like as she was herself, she recognised in me, I like to think, a kindred sheep, or at least very much in sheep's clothing amongst an otherwise wolf-laden press pack.
So you've written a book revealing intimate details about her private life? That I have, Jeremy.
That I have.
It's called The Crumbs from Under Thy Table, Princess of Wales.
I see.
I am flinging wide the gates, lifting the lid, as it were, shining a torch whence ne'er hath light been cast afore on the very private face of the then Royal Highness Princess of Wales.
And these revelations mainly centre around a collection of personal effects which came into your possession following an unforgettable day at Kensington Palace in 1988, correct? Uncannily so, Jeremy, yes.
What sort of things are we talking about? photos? Diaries? I feature, amongst many, many other things, a TV guide from September 18th 1988, in which the Princess, I believe, may be responsible for circling an episode of Howard's Way, one or two cotton buds from the staff toilet.
A toilet which could have been used by none other than the Princess of Wales herself.
And that's it, is it? Oh, no, no, no, far from it, no.
A sachet of Oil of Ulay, from before it was Olay.
I believe there's a private letter from St James's Palace which you are reported to have under lock and key at an "undisclosed" location.
Does the book give any clues as to that? Let us just say that it represented an opportunity for the Princess.
It was, Jeremy, an invitation for her to transfer the entirety of her balance to a rate of 13.
4%, which, it must be remembered, was a very, very competitive rate at that time.
Junk mail.
If you wish.
Everyone gets junk mail.
Well, this is a book very much for everyone.
She was, let us not forget, the People's Princess, the Princess of Wales.
Yup, umgreat.
Well, thank you, Terry.
Er In a moment we'll be meeting a man whose campaign to save a school for the blind very nearly landed him in prison.
RUGBY BOOT FOOTSTEPS Um Whatever he's seeing.
Ultimate Blood? Yes, can I have15 halves and one adult, please? It's an 18.
The clever bastard.
THEY GRUN MAMMOTH ROARS THUNDER HARP GLISSANDO RETCHING MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss MUSIC STOPS Da, da, da, uh-uh! Ahhh Agh! Help! Help! Help, please! Ungle Bundle!
It's OK.
If you put it down, we can talk about anything.
Pleaseplease, just put the knife down.
Wewe can talk about all this.
Well, as I said, your CV is excellent, but we do have a few other people to see.
Thanks for the opportunity.
What do you think? HOARSELY: Yeah, I liked him.
It's like we're totally in sync with each other.
Sometimes he doesn't have to say anything.
I just know what he means with a look.
And we're constantly finishingeachother's sentences.
Sentences.
What d'you think? Yeah, looks good.
Can I help you? We're just looking, thank you.
We are going to be buying something.
We're celebrating.
We just got engaged.
Oh, most people get a ring.
He's got me one of those.
And now you thought you'd bring her in here.
We thought we'd be a little bit adventurous.
Yvonne's husband thought that once, didn't he? Oh, he did, yes.
Very adventurous.
It was like the bloody Kon-Tiki expedition.
Come on, then.
Sorry, where are we going? For an adventure.
Ta-ta, Kansas.
Oh, I wasn't really looking for myself.
If she's trussed up like a Christmas turkey, least you can do is put on a party hat.
Personally, I don't like the sight of men in their underpants.
It's the bulge.
For some reason, it puts me in mind of a pigeon.
Especially if their pants have gone grey.
Are you decent? You could do a lot worse than this.
Whoa! I'm not sure.
No, no, women love a man who can make them laugh.
Just think of Charlie Chaplin, a whole string of beautiful wives.
Or Jim Davidson.
So exciting when you're starting out, in't it, Yvonne? All them hopes and dreams.
Hmm.
It'll sag a bit after a few washes but, um it'll be at the back of the drawer by then.
Try the Forever Mine outfit in there.
Here, give this a whirl.
I'm not really sure about this.
Oh, nonsense! After a while, you'll find the little pleasures keep your marriage going.
You know, I used to like it when my husband dressed up as a traffic warden 'cause it meant he was leaving for work.
Come on, then, let's be having you.
Ooh! Well, I can see you two together for an eternity.
More of a wren than a pigeon.
That's it! Yes, get behind him, Phelps! Watch their man on the wing! You have a very promising young fly-half there, Bill.
I was wondering whose Jag that was in the car park.
MI6 still buying British, I see.
If it is still British, Bill.
Hard to tell who's behind what these days.
Is it the Germans, the Malaysians, the Russians? What do you want, Danbury? I've got a job for you, Bill.
I already have a job.
I'm not for hire.
SHOUTS: Don't just stand there, Jarvis! Mark him.
Everything else in the world might have changed, but not you, Bill.
Not you.
I know you, Bill.
You'll have every resource, the best people, your pick.
I'll see to that.
If I do it, then they're coming with me.
Who? The team.
They've got to be in it too.
They're a prep school under-12s rugby team, Bill.
This isn't for negotiation.
I made a commitment to these boys, Danbury, and this might seem odd to you, but I'm going to honour that commitment.
This isn't a box of firecrackers, Sergei.
It's weapons grade plutonium.
Now, how much? Check it, Phelps.
Thinking about going to church? Not sure if church is for you? Then text "Vicar" to 97148.
At Church Match Mobile there are thousands of clergy all over the UK looking for someone just like you.
Hi, I'm Lewis.
If you're looking for vicars who are really great fun, Church Match Mobile is a great place to click.
Send me a text to find out who's available now.
Text "Vicar" to 97148.
Thinking of converting to Catholicism? Text "Father" to 95653.
Get photos now.
Throughout the UK, pick up your mobile phone now.
Hook up, have fun and chat to priests under 30.
New priests every week.
For priests aged 30 to 45, text "Prime" to 95653.
Instant results.
Get to know priests aged 45 to 60.
Text "Silk" to 95653.
Make a connection now, wherever you live.
Well, I'd better be off.
Oh, are you leaving? I haven't even shown you the buddleia yet.
Sorry, Dad, I'd better go.
Thanks, Mum.
Lovely to see you.
Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome, son.
It was a lovely lunch.
Well, the parsnips, anyway.
You can't even eat chicken? Well, in vegetarianism, the chicken is sort of considered to be an animal, what with it, um Well, it's an animal, isn't it? Look, I'm going to head to the station, so Jeff Oh, yes.
Chris Your mother and I have talked, and we'd like you to have this to get your car fixed.
Oh, God, Dad, I can't take that.
It's too much.
Oh, don't be silly.
Just take it.
Mum's operation! You need this more than I need my car.
Oh, no! It's fine, Chris, really.
Your mum says she likes the cataracts.
She says it gives everything a lovely milky quality.
It's like living inside a dream or a memory, isn't it? Absolutely! And the rubbish they have on TV these days, it's like having my own mini-filters inside my eyes.
I can hardly make out Trevor Eve's face any more.
So you see, you'd be helping us out by taking the money off our hands.
Just pop it in your pocket.
You're being ridiculous.
Look, I'm not taking it.
Oh, please, Chris.
No, Barbara, Chris has made up his mind.
He's a man after all, not a boy.
Thanks, Dad.
You remember that summer we played for Otley St Mary? I was at number six, you were at number eight.
Great days.
Agh! Quick, Barbara.
Put it in his pocket.
What d'you do that for? Quick, give it here.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Call it your Christmas cheque or Christmas and birthday cheque rolled in to one.
Had birthday.
Sat nav.
That was just something to open.
It wasn't your main present.
It's only 'cause we love you.
Call it a gift, not a loan.
Don't want loan! Yours anyway when we dead.
Agh! No! Barbara! Book! Not Wodehouse.
Wilbur Smith.
Hardback.
Too late, too late.
It's yours.
Cable-tie his legs together, Barbara.
I'm going to give him a lift home.
Excuse me.
Watch out! SCREECH OF BRAKES I just didn't see him.
He's unconscious.
We need an ambulance.
Yeah, ambulance.
We're in North Park.
Churchgate Street entrance.
Shit! He's unconscious.
Er, yep, yep.
OK, OK, right.
Is he coming round? Stay with us.
There's an ambulance on its way.
Is there? Is he trying to say something? What is it? Is there any chance of a threesome? Or an ambulance.
One's on its way? Good.
We'll wait for it.
We'll wait for it.
Come, Horschstadt.
Sleep not.
Do not surrender to the pain.
Oh, but Pharius, I grow weak.
I have been impaled.
The cold thrust of steel has pierced my skin.
No, your ordeal will soon be over and you will rise again.
The greatest of all seducers.
There you go, mate.
A glass of water.
Don't worry about it.
It happens a lot the first time.
For emptying the contents of my stomach on your Ottoman rug, sir, I offer my sincerest apologies.
Mm.
Can I crack on, or what? Oh, yes, yes, proceed with the design as discussed.
Right.
And you're absolutely sure you still want the name "Chanella" with bright flames burning in all directions? Ah, yes, of that I am quite, quite sure.
Right.
Fiancee, is she? Oh, no, but she is destined to be mine.
She is an "hair technician" at Toni and Guy.
So impressed was she with the elegance and noble curve of Horschstadt's aquiline brow that she did wantonly caress his skull and then made intimate enquiries as to his plans for this summer's vacance.
There can be no question.
She was bewitched.
Yeah, I maybe wouldn't get her name tattooed just yet.
Maybe in henna.
We've got a lot of other nice designs in this book, as it goes.
Ah, yes.
The swallow is quite becoming.
Agh! The Celtic runic design also somewhat fetching.
Agh! I'm not sure the snake is for me, but Agh! Take it away.
Here we go.
Oh, babe, look.
It's Last of the Summer Wine.
Yes, very good, thank you, yes.
Getting ink done, you two? I'm getting a cool tattoo.
"Chanella" with flames burning from it in all directions.
Hairdresser Chanella? Haven't you heard? Heard? She really was tasty.
In the name of Hartuus, could you not leave but one stone unturned for a brother of the sangre? Been a while, has it, mate? Right, that's it.
Oi-oi! You gettin' a taste for the fellas, eh, lads? Up yours.
Do you have any chewing gum, young apprentice? He's been at the scampi Nik Naks.
GEORDIE ACCENTS: We're after the Pindle Oak Mushroom, the holy grail of edible fungi.
It's got a colour like burnt ochre and a taste like filet mignon steak.
Oh, dude! Look, there it is.
Oh, isn't she a beaut? Imagine that dressed with a lug of olive oil and a dash of lemon juice.
Oh, just imagine it.
We've got the old camping stove here so we can cook it now.
Only trouble is, it's a bit too high.
Fall from there, you do yourself a serious injury.
We'd be crazy to risk it.
So we're gonna get us a "two for a tenner" meal deal.
Just stick it in the oven.
All the hard work's done.
They even throw in wine.
How do they make a profit? Not our problem.
Wa-hay! If we can have those back in three weeks' time.
Thank you very much.
Hello! Can I have Emma, please? Emma the book or Emma the DVD? Er, no.
Emma the prostitute.
Oh, yes, I forgot we do prostitutes now.
Yes, she should be in.
Ah! Yeah! There she is.
Thank you very much.
If we could have her back in three weeks, please.
Been a long time, Uri.
I said to come alone.
Don't worry about them.
They're with me.
It's just a school under-12 rugby team.
Have you got the export licences? Have you got the money? (What is it, boy?) (Well, go behind a tree or something.
) The money's in the case.
Nice doing business with you.
If you call betraying your country good business.
Come on.
Come on! Hurry up, Jarvis.
ENGINE STARTS BUS BEEPS I think one of the reasons why we're such a great couple is we are like total opposites of each other, chalk and cheese.
I say tomayto, she says tomato, just on so many levels, and that makes our relationship just sparky and edgy and zingy, you know? I mean, we are literally the complete opposite of each other.
For example, I'm not a dick.
PHONE RINGS SHOUTS: Hello? No! You tell him if he hasn't got it sorted soon I'm going to come over there and wipe the bloody floor with him.
What's up, Ken? Geoff spilt something on the floor of the warehouse.
Going to help him mop it up.
How's the world of beds, Phil? Oh, it's over, Ken.
I quit.
I just ain't got it in me any more.
You don't need a prostate to run a bed shop.
Everything's gone up the jumper.
I accept defeat.
I'm hangin' up me valance.
You're having a Shami Chakrabarti! What, Phil Mason retire? I'm too long in the tooth for this weasel.
I'm at the end of me Mills McCartney.
I got a load of Sleepy Down microfibre memory mattresses sitting on a dockside in Unami and no way of getting them here.
So-o-othe me with some carpet talk, Ken.
I need to calm down.
The bloody Japanese! Yeah.
I'll never forgive 'em for what they did to my dad.
It was torture, Phil.
No other word.
That bloody futon.
Took years off his life.
Why did he have to buy it? They are space-saving, Phil.
You can't deny that.
So is a sofa bed! So is a sofa bed! They knew we had our own way of dealing with guests but they couldn't stop themselves.
You have to admit, and I know I'm treading on eggs, but as a nation, they do look well rested, the Japanese.
Granted.
But retire? People like us don't retire.
We keep on working every day God sends.
Till one day we're reaching up to get a box of new phones off of a high shelf, insisting that we don't need no help, when we suddenly keel over from a massive coronary.
PHONE RINGS Yep? No! Besides, what else will you do? Your life is beds.
Go travellin'.
Take Cheryl Three away.
You can't explore the world with an agoraphobic wife.
Where're you going to go? Couple of relaxing weeks in the kitchen? A two-centre holiday in the box room? Believe you me I-you-they-them, it ain't gonna work.
Then I'll stay at home.
Spend time with the what's-their-names, the Theer The kids.
Me kids! PHONE RINGS Hello? No! When I feel up against it at work there's something I turn to that always gives me great strength.
The good book.
Not this again.
Ah, "classic cobalt"! Many's the time that's helped me out when I've been down.
It is pretty, Ken.
I'll give you that.
Well, maybe you'd find some solace in "executive pars ley".
No! No, no, no.
My problems aren't to be solved in those pages.
I'm going to get on the blower to Japan and come down like a clown of bricks.
That's the fillet.
That's the man I know and love.
I'm going to need a new box of phones off of the high shelf.
You want a hand with that? No, no, no.
I'll be fine.
All right, then.
See ya! Ooh! Jesus H from Steps.
Hello.
I'd like to return Emma, please.
I'm a couple of days late.
Two days late.
Er Then youyou would have to go and speak toto Yerko.
You have 65 pence fine.
Thanks very much.
FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC English? Yes.
Roast beef? Manchester United? The Beatles? David Beckham? Cauliflower cheese, Habitat, Fiona Bruce.
Anything over 240 by 165 by 5 millimetres counts as a large letter.
Yes.
Such memories! Forgive me.
Though I am of Reading and I am living here in the France since the six months, I cannot forget her.
Right, well, I'd better be on my way.
No, but please, I have envy to practise my English tongue.
What is this thing that it is that is this thing that you are looking for? Well, I was going to check out the cathedral.
You know Sacre Coeur? Sorry? Sacre Coeur.
Please? Sacre Coeur.
Say it again? Sacre Coeur.
It's here.
Ah! Sacre Coeur, yeah.
Er How to say in English? Er Turn right, straight right, right again, straight right, straight right, right again, straight right, then just look for the massive cathedral.
Thanks.
Can you lend me 20 euros? Today we stand united, under the call of God.
ALL SHOU Today we fight a thousand men, perhaps more.
Today, our divine Father calls unto us to rise up against an unholy foe.
ALL SHOU Do you waver? ALL SHOUT: No! Do you pause? No! Never! Forget not the destruction of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre.
ALL SHOU Shame! Forget not the barbarism of their conquering of the holy city of Jerusalem.
Shame on their heads! Shame! We cannot withstand further abuses.
No! This ends today! ALL SHOU My lord, my lord, the enemy is using fires to disguise their numbers.
There's actually 3,000 men, not 1,000.
Oh.
OK, no.
All right, we're not doing it.
Yeah, we're not doing it.
It's off.
But the capture of Jerusalem! Yeah! The destruction of the holy church! MEN SHOU MEN SHOU Shh! They'll fucking hear you! Look, men.
Today, when I said this happens today, that was before I knew there was, like, loads and loads of them.
Yeah? So it doesn't end today.
It ends some other day.
When there aren't bloomin' millions of them, there's just a few of them.
OK? On that day, we shall fight! SILENCE On that day, will you be with me? ALL MURMUR Good! That's good enough for me.
Good.
Well done.
MOANING Oh! That just gets better and better.
Oh! Mmm! Hey, I'd better go.
Oh, no, don't.
Stay here.
Oh, OK! Darling, I've left my phone here.
OK, this is a difficult situation.
Take it easy, Dan.
Jo? I think we should just try and deal with this like adults.
What?! I think we should just take a moment Take a moment?! Yes.
Shut up! No more talking from you.
Jo! How could you do this? Dan, it'sit's Right, you get up.
No, Dan, no! Get up.
Just shut up! Dan! Ow! Ow! For God's sake.
Look, Dan What are you doing? Dan? I'm going to kill you.
.
.
Oh, shit! What is it? I forgot to take the bins out.
Oh, bollocks! You could be forgiven for thinking that after all the tributes, biographies, documentaries, even conspiracy theories about Diana, Princess of Wales, not another word could be written about her.
You'd be wrong, because our very own Royal Correspondent, Terry Devlin, has added his version of events to the canon.
You were very close to the princess, weren't you? NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, very, very, close indeed.
In fact, it would be fair to say that Diana then Princess of Wales, formerly Lady Diana Spencer, latterly Her Royal Highness the Queen of Hearts looked upon me with those bewitching eyes very much as her most trusted member of the fourth estate.
Sheep-like as she was herself, she recognised in me, I like to think, a kindred sheep, or at least very much in sheep's clothing amongst an otherwise wolf-laden press pack.
So you've written a book revealing intimate details about her private life? That I have, Jeremy.
That I have.
It's called The Crumbs from Under Thy Table, Princess of Wales.
I see.
I am flinging wide the gates, lifting the lid, as it were, shining a torch whence ne'er hath light been cast afore on the very private face of the then Royal Highness Princess of Wales.
And these revelations mainly centre around a collection of personal effects which came into your possession following an unforgettable day at Kensington Palace in 1988, correct? Uncannily so, Jeremy, yes.
What sort of things are we talking about? photos? Diaries? I feature, amongst many, many other things, a TV guide from September 18th 1988, in which the Princess, I believe, may be responsible for circling an episode of Howard's Way, one or two cotton buds from the staff toilet.
A toilet which could have been used by none other than the Princess of Wales herself.
And that's it, is it? Oh, no, no, no, far from it, no.
A sachet of Oil of Ulay, from before it was Olay.
I believe there's a private letter from St James's Palace which you are reported to have under lock and key at an "undisclosed" location.
Does the book give any clues as to that? Let us just say that it represented an opportunity for the Princess.
It was, Jeremy, an invitation for her to transfer the entirety of her balance to a rate of 13.
4%, which, it must be remembered, was a very, very competitive rate at that time.
Junk mail.
If you wish.
Everyone gets junk mail.
Well, this is a book very much for everyone.
She was, let us not forget, the People's Princess, the Princess of Wales.
Yup, umgreat.
Well, thank you, Terry.
Er In a moment we'll be meeting a man whose campaign to save a school for the blind very nearly landed him in prison.
RUGBY BOOT FOOTSTEPS Um Whatever he's seeing.
Ultimate Blood? Yes, can I have15 halves and one adult, please? It's an 18.
The clever bastard.
THEY GRUN MAMMOTH ROARS THUNDER HARP GLISSANDO RETCHING MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss MUSIC STOPS Da, da, da, uh-uh! Ahhh Agh! Help! Help! Help, please! Ungle Bundle!